PART TEN: THE CHICAGO SIX
Starky jumped in his seat.
"No jumping in the seat," said Viper. Viper walked into the kitchen.
"Stay out of the kitchen," said Orcha. Suddenly, the SUV blew up.
"Is everyone okay?" asked Norris.
"Yes," they said. "No," said Mr. Owl. Draggy spewed fire on his head and burned him.
"How many times can he die?" asked Radius. Fargo suddenly rammed his scimitar through Ted's innards.
"Oh my gosh, you killed Ted!" screamed Macha.
"How many times can he die?" asked Radius. Mojo stepped backwards and punctured his nail on something.
"You murdered a dwarf!" screamed Steena.
"How many times can he kill a dwarf?" asked Radius. Harle threw her pack of cards and sliced up Kenny.
"Oh my gosh, they killed Kenny!" screamed Stan.
"How many times can he die?" asked Radius. Sephiroth suddenly impaled Aeris.
"Oh no, they killed Aeris!" shouted Cloud.
"Not again," grumbled Barret.
"Where are we?" asked Norris.
"Look!" pointed Leah. "Many buildings! Many big buildings!"
"My friends," smiled Viper, "we're in Chicago."
Adventures in Chicago, Part One: The Chicago Six Comes to Order
"Okay everyone, let's stick together," said Norris, and before the words were out of his mouth, everyone had left him to explore Chicago on their own. Norris sighed and decided it would be best to find another mode of transportation.
(soap opera music cues up. Serge and Zoah are together in a room)
Zoah: SERGE... I-I THINK I AM PREGNANT. (an awkward pause thickens as Serge gazes back at Zoah in astonishment and confusion)
Meanwhile...
"Listen up!" shouted Sprigg. "We's tired a' always beein' seen az the mozt uzeless people round' these 'ere parts! We gotta do somethin' bout' it!"
"But what?" asked Poshul. "We're not thtrong or thkilled like everyone elthe!"
"I didn't ask you, Daffy Duck!" stated Sprigg.
"But what're we going to do, Sprigg?" asked NeoFio. Sprigg grinned evilly.
"We's gonna revolt, that's what we's gonna do! Oo's with me?" Razzly and Leah raised their hands, Poshul raised her paw, NeoFio raised her vine, and Draggy raised his claw.
"We are!" they chanted. Sprigg took a moment to count the raised hands/claws/paws/vines.
"Six'a us, countin' me," she mumbled. "All rightee, gang, let's go paint the town red! From this moment on, we're gonna be called 'The Chicago Seven'!"
"Six," said Razzly.
"Right-o, what'd I say? Six it is, then!" And that's how all this mayhem began.
Adventures in Chicago, Part Two: Magical Mystery Science Theater
Zoah, Doc, Miki, and Janice were happily skipping around the streets of Chicago, completely unaware of the evil that lurked in the shadows (creepy!). Actually, Zoah was trailing the others in hopes of not being recognized, and Doc had a look of irritation on his face as the two girls skipped. Well, even then, Miki looked tired and too embarrassed to skip, so only Janice was skipping across Chicago's streets.
"Stick'em up!" shouted a random burglar. Doc whacked him with his surfboard.
"Reach!" shouted another random burglar. Zoah barely tapped him on his head.
"Your money or your life!" shouted yet another random burglar. Miki kicked his gentles.
"Gin," said Herbert. Janice knocked him out with her carrot. Suddenly, the four characters were beamed up in a really fake-looking flying saucer, and were never seen again. For four hours.
"Aieee, where are we?" screamed Janice. A weird-looking alien scuttled over to them.
"Silence, Earthlings," s/he said. "I have kidnapped you all so that you may watch very bad movies and make fun of them!"
"LIKE MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER?" boomed Zoah.
"Ssh, do you want me to get sued?!" hissed the alien. Zoah shrugged. "Now sit!" Seeing that they had no choice (well, they did, but who in their right mind passes up a free movie?), the four "friends" made their way to the third row, ready to make fun of movies.
"This bites," groaned Doc.
"Ha-ha-ha, silence Earthling!" chortled the alien. "Now watch!" The theater grew dark and one of the millions of B-rated movies in the alien's "library" was flashed onto the screen.
"Hu-hu, they said 'flash'," chuckled Beavis.
"Fire, fire! Burn! Fire, fire!" cackled Butt-head. The movie was Clash of the Titans, quite possibly the greatest B-rated movie ever.
"Oh, that is so fake!" exclaimed Miki. Doc groaned.
"Those are the opening credits, babe," he said. Miki smiled sheepishly.
"OH, THAT IS SO FAKE!" exclaimed Zoah. Doc groaned.
"That's the musical score, dude," he said. Zoah grunted.
"Oh, that is so fake!" stated Janice. Doc groaned.
"That's just an actor in a really big Kraken suit that has an awful screeching sound to it that's supposed to sound like a roar and make us feel frightened of a great big piece of crap!" Everyone froze and stared at Doc in horror. He ducked into his chair, too embarrassed to make fun of the rest of the movie.
Adventures in Chicago, Part Three: The Chicago Six On the Town
After they disbanded from the rest of the group, the six mismatched and overlooked video game personas decided to have a night out on the town. They went everywhere in search of a good time:
In the Hard Rock cafe, Razzly and Draggy posed next to the Beatles, who were passing by Chicago on their Magical Mystery Tour.
At the Chicago Bulls game, NeoFio was called in to support an injured player and scored a basket before the game's end. The score was 120-2, in favor of the Suns.
At Planet Hollywood, Poshul blew the whole thing up.
At the Sears Tower, Leah rode Draggy around, giving many parents heart attacks and many more parents an excuse to drink more.
In Chinatown, King of Chinatown arrested the gang, but they broke out 3 seconds later.
At the White Sox game, Sprigg caught a home run and Draggy ate the ball.
At the museums, Leah freaked out at the prehistoric exhibit, NeoFio and Razzly freaked out at the nature exhibits, and Sprigg just plain freaked out.
At Medieval Times, Riddel was chosen to be the Queen of Beauty, even though she wasn't part of the gang. Glenn and Karsh went anal and beat up all the knights in the play, and got arrested. Again.
Speakeasies, bell-bottoms, jazz groups, and nightclubs filled the days of the Chicago Six, until a run-in with Al Capone forced them to take it easy and stop blowing stuff up.
Adventures in Chicago, Part Four: Just the Fax, Ma'am?
Mojo quietly walked into the police building, unsure as to why they wanted to speak with him. Carefully, he rode the elevator up to the top floor, and danced his way into THE office.
"Come in, Mojo," addressed a hard-nosed cop. Mojo came in but didn't sit down. "My name is Friday, Joe Friday, and this is my partner, who is Not Friday." Mojo shook their hands, even though he didn't have hands to shake, and bowed his head several times.
"What doo yoou want-om me to doo?" he asked. Friday looked at his partner.
"Have you ever heard of 'The Chicago Six' before, Mojo?" asked Friday.
"Yes-om," he replied, nodding his head. "I knoow-om them." Friday raised his eyebrow.
"Then this will be all the easier for you." Mojo tilted his head in confusion. Not Friday spoke.
"Mojo, we here at the Chicago Police Force have hired you to track down and capture The Chicago Six. We want them alive, and we want them within twenty- four hours. Do you understand?" Mojo nodded his head.
"Yes-om, I understand-om. I will get-om The Chicagoo Six-om foor yoou."
"Thank you, Mojo," said Not Friday. "We're expecting a report within three hours."
"Boogum!"
As Mojo skipped through the streets of Chicago, he suddenly ran into Sprigg getting wasted in a speakeasy. He sobered her up and arrested her. After that, he waded his way through the remains of Planet Hollywood and found Leah riding on the Jurassic Park dinosaur models. She too was arrested. Mojo found Razzly and NeoFio water-skiing on Lake Michigan with Irenes, and they too were arrested (you can imagine the trouble of finding handcuffs for them). Draggy was found working in a pizza parlor, where he was trying to pay off a mountain of debt. He was booked. Finally, Mojo found Poshul somewhere in the Sears Tower, and was cuffed up as well. The six of them were sent to prison, along with every other member of the Chrono Cross gang because they were harboring an illegal alien.
The story you have just heard is true. The names of people and places have been changed to protect the innocent.
(Theme from "Dragnet" cues up as Joe Friday narrates)
Sir Bucket Head finally pried the bucket off of his head and got his real name back. He's serving a two-year sentence for harboring an illegal alien and stowing away on Space Shuttle Surely.
Kid was arrested and tried for thievery, assault, disturbing the peace, resisting an officer, and other miscellaneous crimes. She is serving an eight-year prison term.
Irenes was placed in jail for assaulting King of Chinatown, but was later pardoned.
Riddel was found innocent in starting a brawl in Medieval Times.
Starky was given a life sentence for not having his visa present during the arrest.
Doc, Miki, and Zoah were nowhere to be found.
Greco, Karsh, Orlha, and Marcy were given five-year sentences for starting a large-scale fight in the middle of an arena.
Macha was fined 200 Gil for speeding.
Janice, although nowhere to be found, was given a ten-year term for consorting with a minor and assaulting Junior, and for her miscellaneous crimes in Minnesota. She was also fingered to have connections with the Mafia, and was given a second ten-year sentence.
Guile was charged with assaulting Siegfried and Roy in Vegas, and was sentenced to a year.
Norris was charged with murdering Mr. Owl multiple times, and was slapped around for a few minutes.
Korcha was given $1,000,000 for beating up Regis Philbin.
Luccia was charged with "experimenting" on people without their consent and was sentenced to four years.
Fargo was slapped with a life sentence for stowing away onboard Space Shuttle Surely, and for robbery, thievery, and other "pirate-like activities".
Leena was sentenced to life for killing Ted.
Harle was given eight years for fighting with David Copperfield and consorting with a minor.
Turnip was re-arrested for taking over Chinatown and was given two years.
Skelly was awarded the Nobel Prize for Everything when he killed Harry Potter.
Funguy was sent to the slammer for selling "shrooms" to minors, but was later found innocent because they were actual mushrooms, and the judge made funny sounds when he gave the order.
Sneff was placed in the pen for cheating at cards and other forms of gambling.
The members of The Chicago Six were each given a life sentence and community service.
Mojo was awarded with an Oscar but was thrown in the slammer for murdering a dwarf.
Grobyc was arrested for multiple accounts of murder, but broke everyone else out.
Adventures in Chicago, Part Five: "Mike Lazzo Meets our Heroes", or, "And to Think That I Saw it on Williams Street"
(Theme song to "Space Ghost Coast to Coast" cues up)
Space Ghost: (appearing out of nowhere) Greetings, foolish mortals, and welcome to the best talk show ever! Tonight's special guests are--
Moltar: Dead!! (an awkward pause)
SG: I... hope you're not joking, Moltar.
Moltar: Hehehehehe... wouldn't you like to know? (another pause)
SG: All rightee then! Please slap your palms together vigorously and make a cheering sound with your vocal chords, because we've got our first guest on! (he looks at Moltar) And she's not dead. (a pause. Moltar says nothing.) Please welcome that adorable little jester from the popular video game Chrono Cross, Harle! (fanfare plays as the monitor scrawls down and Harle is on the screen)
Harle: Bonjour, monsieur Space Ghost!
SG: Danke shein to you too! Please identify yourself to the universe.
Harle: Je'mappelle Harle. I just wanted to say zat--
SG: All rightee, enough of you! (he blasts Harle) Moltar, that guest was hot.
Moltar: (reading a book) Uh-huh.
SG: I'm completely serious. I had the hots for her.
Zorak: Then why did you blast her? (a very long pause)
SG: Uh, s-say, did I ever tell you two about the time I skipped jury duty?
Both: Only a million times.
SG: Well, you'll hear it again, and you'll like it! (he clears his throat) ...There I was, in my room. I got a letter from Uncle Sam, and--
Moltar: Uh, Space Ghost? (the monitor lowers with Pierre on the screen)
SG: Moltar?? (he looks at Moltar menacingly) What did I tell you about interrupting my anecdotes?
Moltar: But you didn't say anything--
SG: Ashush! Ssh! No! Don't say a word!
Pierre: Bonjour! Hallo? Monsieur Space Ghost? (he notices Pierre)
SG: (to himself) Oh great, another French person... (publicly) Uh, greetings, citizen! Please identify yourself to the universe!
Pierre: Ah, it would be a privilege, non? Moi is Pierre, ze knight errant! Moi is-- (Space Ghost suddenly blasts him. A pause. Zorak marks another tally onto his long list)
SG: This is so stupid! Moltar, is this Jerry Lewis day or something? (Moltar laughs menacingly)
Zorak: Hey, uh, I gotta go to the bathroom.
SG: Shut up and hold it in! (a pause) Please welcome my final guest, who is neither dead nor French, Zappa! (the monitor lowers down with Zappa on the screen) Greetings, Zappa!
Zappa: Space Ghost, how are y-- (SG blasts him. A pause)
Zorak: Y'know, Space Ghost, that's gettin' old.
SG: So? (he blasts Zorak) That never gets old, does it?
Smoking Zorak: (cough) Trust me, it does...
SG: Well, that's all the time we have for this episode. Tune in next week to... (Handle's "Messiah" is suddenly played. Space Ghost looks up in awe) Oh, real mature, Moltar!
Moltar: (laughs)
Episode 63: Jerry Lewis Day
"That was fun," said Sneff dryly. "Now where do we go?"
"Ehh, Fort Knox," said Kid mischievously. He gave her a look.
"Why Fort Knox?" he asked.
"Oh, no reason," smiled Kid wickedly. "No reason at all."
"We've gotta find a mode of transportation first," said Orcha.
"Let's steal that alien's spaceship!" suggested Miki. Even though they had no idea as to what she was talking about, the group liked this idea very much and went out to steal an alien spaceship.
"Hey! Give me my fake-looking spaceship!" screeched the alien that had kidnapped Zoah, Doc, Miki, and Janice. Miki blew him a kiss.
"Thanks, it's really nice!" Starky stuck his head out the window and waved.
"Nanoo-nanoo!!"
"No sticking your head out the window," said Viper. Starky stuck his head out the window. "I told you to stop doing that!"