PART ELEVEN: KNOX-KNOX, WHO'S THERE?
On their way to Fort Knox, our heroes made fun of many B-rated movies, but the spaceship blew up before they could finish any, and so Janice had to hitchhike their way to Fort Knox. Finally, after hours of walking and several failed Broadway plays later, our group found themselves in the Bluegrass state, and Fort Knox was just a stone's throw away.
"Keep throwing rocks!" shouted Leena. NeoFio chucked another rock.
"Did it hit Fort Knox?" asked Luccia. Leena shook her head and Luccia cursed.
"This is getting us nowhere!" shouted Karsh. "We've been throwing stones all day and Fort Knox ain't any closer! Grahhh, we need to find a ride!" Suddenly, a magical bus dropped out of the sky and landed on Ted.
"Oh no, they killed Ted," sighed Macha. Ted's feet shriveled underneath the bus, and everyone climbed in and drove off towards Fort Knox.
"Wait!" said Glinda, trying to run after them. Her enormous pink gown wouldn't let her go any faster than a sloth. "You forgot the Ruby Slippers!" Suddenly, she noticed that the ruby slippers that Ted had "mysteriously" been wearing were gone. But who had them?
"Nice slippers," said Razzly. Leena grinned.
"Yeah, I found them on Ted's crushed body!"
Bum bum bummm!!
Adventures in Fort Knox, Chapter One: The Wizard of Zozo
(soap opera music cues up. Serge and Skelly are together in a room)
Skelly: Serge, I think I'm pregnant! (an awkward pause thickens as Serge gazes back at Skelly in astonishment and confusion)
Meanwhile...
"Hey, is it just me, or has the road become a little more--well, yellow?" Greco gulped.
"Si, senor Guile. It is a complete mystery..."
"That's the golden road of Fort Knox!" mumbled Nikki.
"And why are there small people scattering around?" Greco swallowed.
"They scare me!" he whined.
"Those are just kids visiting Fort Knox!" murmured Nikki.
"They're singing!" whimpered Guile.
"Save us!" whined Greco.
"They're just chanting along to the tunes in their car," muttered Nikki.
"Follow the golden brick, Toad! Follow the golden brick, Toad! Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow the golden brick, Toad!"
"Must... follow... the road..." said Funguy eerily. Everyone climbed out of the bus.
"Poshul, I don't think we're in Kentucky any more," shivered Leena. Everyone suddenly vanished, leaving her with Poshul and Funguy. For no apparent reason, she began following the golden brick road, followed by the two of them. The trio soon came across Mojo, who was hanging on a post by his nail.
"Boogum!" he hooted. "Get-om me off of here-om!" Leena and Funguy pried him off, and the voodoo doll thanked them heartily.
"What were you doing up there, Mojo?" asked Poshul. He shrugged.
"I doon't-om knoow. I haven't-om been able to think-om lately."
"You mean you don't have a brain?" asked Funguy. Mojo shook his head.
"Noo, I certainly doon't-om." Leena frowned sadly.
"Oh. Then I guess you should come along until we find somebody who can give you a proper brain!" Mojo leaped up in the air, shouting for joy as he joined the three of them. For awhile, the amazing quartet traveled across the golden road until they came to a strange forest. A rusted Grobyc was standing there in the woods, frozen solid for some strange reason. Funguy just happened to have an oil can with him, and after a few squirts, the cyborg was freed. But no sooner was he able to move did Grobyc stomp on a poor defenseless squirrel.
"Why did you kill that squirrel?" whined Leena.
"Grobyc-has-no-heart-remember?" Leena swallowed and remembered.
"Yes, I remember. The Porres didn't give you a heart. Well, you shall have to come along with us until we find someone who can give you one." Grobyc shot a cute little bunny with a rocket launcher.
"Grobyc-would-rather-not," replied the cyborg. "Grobyc-prefers-to-not-have- a-heart."
"Pleeeeeeeease???" The robot sighed in defeat.
"Very-well. Grobyc-will-come-with-you. But-do-not-expect-Grobyc-to-be- nice."
"We never do," grunted Funguy. "We never do."
The five of them continued traveling through the woods. Suddenly, Pierre leaped out and attacked them, but Grobyc stopped him short with a well- placed kick to the guts.
"Why did you just kick moi?" wheezed Pierre, bowling over.
"Grobyc-has-no-heart," replied the cyborg, looming over the would-be hero.
"But zat was no reason to attack moi!"
"You tharted it!" lisped Poshul. Pierre began crying like a big baby.
"Ohhh, then it is true, non? Moi has no courage! Moi cannot be a hero!" Leena groaned.
"Look, if you want courage so badly, then you'd better come along with us. We're looking for somebody who can give Mojo a brain, Grobyc a heart, and me a new pair of shoes."
"Then maybe..." sniffled Pierre. "Maybe moi could get some courage?"
"It'th pothible," said Poshul. "Thith trip hath already gone overboard." So Pierre joined Leena, Poshul, Funguy, Mojo, and Grobyc in search of his courage. Finally, they came to the end of the golden brick road, and found themselves in Fort Knox. Before they knew it, though, a mean old guard stopped them.
"Stop, you!" shouted the guard. "What business do you have here?"
"We are looking for ze wizard, non?" said Pierre. "Let us pass, oui?" The guard sighed.
"Oh, brother... Look, if you all are auditioning for The Wizard of Oz, the studio's a few miles back that way." Pierre groaned.
"It is useless, non?" Grobyc grunted and launched his boot at the poor guard, and the six of them continued on their epic journey. They entered the sacred hall of the resident wizard, but were met with none other than that blue floaty-faced old crony, Zordon.
"Who dares disturb the everlasting know-it-all?" boomed Zordon. Pierre almost fainted.
"Look," said Leena, "we were wondering if you had a spare brain and heart laying around. Oh, and can you do anything about my shoes?" Zordon glared down at her hard.
"Silence!" he boomed. "The wizard of Zozo knows why you are here! But you must execute a test first!"
"But Mojo didn't-om study!"
"Silence!" boomed Zordon. "It's not a written test! You must bring me the broom of the wicked witch!"
"You mean this?" asked Leena, producing her broom. Zordon flinched.
"Errm, yes, that broom. But that's just the first part of the test! I need you to, um... Scare away the tourists!"
"Already done," sighed Funguy. "They ran away in horror when they saw Skelly."
"Erm, I knew that!" winced Zordon. "B-but that's not all of the test! You need to, ah... Defeat the legendary Ooglies, creatures so ugly that they're oogly!"
"Moi has taken care of that!" sang Pierre. "They could not stand moi swordsmanship!"
"Ahuh..." swallowed Zordon. "Did you save the princess from the Kraken?"
"Yup," replied Mojo.
"Did you attain the Holy Grail?"
"Here-it-is," replied Grobyc.
"Steal the Golden Fleece?"
"I'm wearing it," replied Poshul.
"Retrieve the singing sword of Marsh?"
"I with we hadn't," lisped Poshul, showing Zordon a singing sword.
"Kill the dragons?"
"Done," sang Leena.
"Blew up the Death Star?"
"Did it," said Hayden Christensen.
"Killed Goliath?"
"Yup."
"Retrieved Cerberus?"
"Woof," said Cerberus.
"Killed the Nemean lion? Cleaned the Augean stables? Solved a Rubik's cube? Won the chariot race? Beat Tetris? Put an all-you-can-eat joint out of business?"
"Already done." Zordon fumed, finally blowing his lid.
"THEN GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!!!! You stupid fools!" Then he blew up.
"Cool!" squealed Leena. Suddenly, in a burst of light, Guile appeared!
"Guile? You're the wizard??"
"Who did you expect, Ray Bolger? Yeah, I'm the wizard, but I'm fresh out of brains, courage, and hearts. All I have are these unusually comfortable moccasins." Leena squealed and stole them from his hands, prying off her ruby slippers and placing the shoes over her feet.
"OH, they are so comfy! I could wear them forever! Thank you, wizard!" She hugged him, and he merely groaned.
"What-om aboout my brain?" whined Mojo.
"Shut-up," groaned Grobyc.
Adventures in Fort Knox, Part Two: Help, I Have Too Many Girlfriends!
(Theme song to "The Jerry Springer Show" cues up as the audience chants "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!")
Jerry: Welcome to another action-packed and dramatic episode of MY show. Today, in our special Kentucky studio, we take an examination of guys that claim they have too many girlfriends. Our special guests include a boy named Serge, Cloud Strife, Tenchi Masaki, and Prince Vegeta. (The four guests enter the room, and every single female in the studio swoons. Jerry smiled wearily) First of all, how are you all?
Serge: ... (he looks okay)
Cloud: I'm feeling all right, Jerry.
Tenchi: Yeah, I'm okay.
Vegeta: Humph!
Jerry: Let us introduce our first set of girlfriends. From the outer regions of space, we have all six of Mr. Masaki's girlfriends: Princess Ayeka, space pirate Ryoko, Officers Mihoshi and Kiyone, Princess Sasami, and Professor Washu. (the crowd cheers and whistles as the six girls enter the studio. Tenchi hangs his head, bracing himself for the inevitable squall. Suddenly, Ayeka stumbles and instantly blames it on Ryoko)
Ayeka: You clumsy oaf! You did that on purpose so that I would look like a fool on national television!
Ryoko: WHAT? I did no such thing! You're just picking on me again! (she hugs Tenchi tightly) Isn't that right, Tenchi dear? (the audience cheers. A large vein appears on Ayeka's forehead)
Ayeka: Grrr...! You let go of Lord Tenchi! (the audience oooooohs)
Ryoko: Face it, Ayeka! This man is mine! (the audience cheers and chants out "Fight! Fight!")
Tenchi: Aaah! Stop it!! (Ryoko and Ayeka suddenly go after each other's throats, but are stopped by the security guards)
Jerry: (calmly) I can tell there's some enmity going on here. Miss Washu, what do you think about Ayeka and Ryoko fighting over Tenchi?
Washu: Well, he's not exactly my boyfriend--I just use him as my guinea pig. (the audience cheers and whistles. Washu blushes and fluffs her hair) Hehehe...
Jerry: Right. Miss Kiyone, what do you think?
Kiyone: Well, Jerry, I just have a little crush on Tenchi, nothing more. He's a little young for me, so there's really nothing there. (the audience boos. She blushes) Okay, okay!! I admit it!! I'm madly in love with him!!! (the audience cheers and whistles. Both Ayeka and Ryoko grow red with anger)
Ayeka: Oh, Miss Kiyone! Not you too!
Kiyone: Yes! Yes! And it feels so great to admit it! (she suddenly smothers Tenchi with a kiss but is restrained by the guards. She blows him a kiss as they hold her back. Tenchi groans)
Tenchi: You see what I have to put up with, Jerry?
Jerry: (ignoring him) Right, right... And what do you think, Mihoshi?
Mihoshi: I'm tired of them fighting! And you know what else I'm tired of? People thinking that I'm some kind of freakish ditz! I'm normally a very graceful and refined lady! But being around Tenchi makes me clumsy... (she cries, and the audience sympathizes with her)
Kiyone: It's true. Mihoshi used to be the most elegant woman in the force before she met Tenchi.
Jerry: Ah, yes, we have a question from the audience. (he walks over to a nerdy fanfic writer)
Writer: Yeah, uh, is it true that you and Mihoshi used to be lovers?
Kiyone: (suddenly becoming enraged) I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU GOT THAT !#?&@$#!& IDEA IN YOUR ?^$#$&@!?^ SICK HEAD!!! (she lurches at him but the guards restrain her)
Mihoshi: But Kiyone, didn't we--
Kiyone: YOU be quiet, Mihoshi!! (the audience boos her as Mihoshi cries. Tenchi has long been out of the conversation)
Sasami: Well, here we go again.
Jerry: This has happened before, Sasami?
Sasami: Oh, yes. These mean old fanfiction authors have written such terrible stories about us! They stretch our escapades well beyond anything that's true. I mean, really! (Ayeka suddenly feels something poking her back. she glares accusingly at Ryoko)
Ayeka: Ow! You poked me!
Ryoko: I did not!
Ayeka: Did too! (she glares at her)
Ryoko: Did not! (she glares at her)
Writer: Is it true that you two are-- (both of them kill the fanfic writer instantly)
Jerry: Thank you. Well, I didn't want to do this... really... but we have with us the woman who Tenchi says is his true girlfriend! (the audience gasps) Yes, come on out, Sakuya! (the sweet Sakuya enters the studio, and a flood of wolf whistles drown out the fighting. She sits next to Tenchi and kisses his cheek)
Ryoko: NO ?!#$^?%*# WAY!!!
Ayeka: NOOOOO!!!!
Kiyone: Oh man! (the three girls tear after poor Sakuya, but are restrained by the guards)
Jerry: Tenchi, is Sakuya your true girlfriend?
Tenchi: Yes she is, Jerry.
Ayeka, Ryoko, and Kiyone: N-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jerry: And how do you feel about Tenchi, Sakuya?
Sakuya: I love him! (they smile at each other. the three girls struggle in vain against the grip of the security guards)
Jerry: (casually) Very good. We'll return with the second segment of our series after these messages.
(Five minutes pass.)
Jerry: Welcome back to MY show. Our topic today is "Help, I have too many girlfriends!". We have just spoken with Tenchi Masaki and his seven girlfriends; now we're going to pry into the private lives of these other three men. Cloud Strife, do you have too many girlfriends?
Cloud: (sighing) Yes, Jerry, I do.
Jerry: And who are they?
Cloud: Well, Tifa and I grew up together, and I was Aeris' bodyguard, and Yuffie just hangs around, and Jessie--
Jerry: How very interesting. Let's bring in Cloud's would-be girlfriends!
Cloud: No, don't! (Tifa, Aeris, Yuffie, and Jessie enter the room, the audience cheering and whistling. Tifa sits to the left of Cloud and Aeris sits to the right. They both take one of his hands and smile)
Jerry: Now, it looks like you've got it made, Cloud!
Cloud: Oh, if only you knew, Jerry... (he sighs. meanwhile, Ryoko and Ayeka are fighting, Sasami is trying to calm down Mihoshi, and Washu and Kiyone are shamelessly flirting with Tenchi. Sakuya looks irritated)
Jerry: What do you mean, Cloud?
Cloud: Well--
Jerry: How very interesting. Let's hear what Aeris has to say. Aeris?
Aeris: Oh, Jerry! I love Cloud! I love Cait Sith for saying that we're made for each other! I love the Turks for putting us together! I love Tifa for giving us a wedge to drive us apart, only to have us fall in love! I love Barrett for pushing Cloud into my loving arms! I love Sephiroth for making Cloud realize how good he has it with me! And I love Cloud for... Cloud! (she hugs him protectively and the audience awwwwwwws)
Tifa: Ummm, excuse me? (she pauses to let the audience go oooooooooooooh! Aeris glares back at her) Yeah, you heard me! Cloud and I grew up together! Who do you think you are, stealing him away like this? I thought you were dead! (Aeris sticks her tongue out)
Cloud: Here we go again.
Aeris: Ummm, excuse me, but Playboy auditions are closed. (audience: ooooooooooooh!!)
Tifa: (shocked) Well excuse me for having a body, miss perfect little church lady!
Aeris: Slut!
Tifa: Slum drunk!
Aeris: Whore!
Tifa: Ancient hag!
Aeris: Prostitute!
Tifa: ?!%&?$@&* tramp!
Aeris: ?%^#$@%?!@ shrew! (they suddenly go at each other's throats, the audience cheering and chanting out "Fight! Fight! Fight!" The security guards separate them and ask Jerry for a raise. Cloud sighs)
Cloud: This happens every day, Jerry. Every freaking day.
Jerry: Right, very nice. Umm, any comments, Miss Jessie?
Jessie: Well, even though I died, I'd just like to say that I'm hopelessly attracted to Cloud, and I hope that someday we'll be together and have many children. (audience: awwwwwwwwww!)
Tifa: Umm, excuse me, but did somebody tell you that you don't stand a ?%$^^%#@$# chance?
Jessie: Oh yeah?!?! Bring it on, Tifa!!! (they both stand up and start shouting in each other's faces)
Tifa: I will! I will! You want some!?! Come and get it!!! (they fight as the audience goes berserk. Jerry shakes his head wearily as he tries to separate them. Yuffie leaps up and sits on Cloud's lap, hugging his neck tightly.)
Jerry: (over the noise) What are your feelings, Yuffie?
Yuffie: (gushing) I love Cloud! (she blinks at him flirtatiously. He groans)
Jerry: Ah, yes. Well, we've got a question from an audience member... (he goes over to a nerdy-looking man, praying that the question was a clean one)
Nerd: Yes, um, I was wondering if the rumors about Tifa and Aeris' "special relationship" with each other were true. And what about Sephiroth!? Didn't he have a fling with Aeris or Cloud?
Jerry: (to himself) He's a dead man.
Tifa: WHAT!!! Say that again, you ?%^&$@?#! (she dashes off towards the nerd and breaks his neck. She then rushes back down and pulls Aeris in the fight with her, leaving Yuffie to swoon over Cloud)
Jerry: (calmly) And we'll be back with the second part of our series after these words.
(Five minutes pass.)
Jerry: Welcome to the second half of the program. We've already spoken with Mr. Strife and Mr. Masaki, so I guess we're ready to talk with Mr. Vegeta. (all of the girls are sitting by themselves, trying to remain quiet and civil) Mr. Vegeta, you're married, aren't you?
Vegeta: Yes, I am.
Jerry: And you still manage to attract a large following of so-called girlfriends?
Vegeta: (growling) I'll kill them all!!! (every girl in the audience swoons)
Jerry: Why do you think you have so many fans who are girls?
Vegeta: How the ?#$%^$@ should I know? I try my hardest to be a detestable evil warlord, but does it work? No! I kill the good guys, I betray my so- called friends, I'm even mean to Bulma!
Jerry: And you're still hounded by girls.
Vegeta: It's sickening!!! I'm tired of it! (he stares into the camera) If any fan-girls are out there, read my lips: I WILL PERSONALLY KILL YOU IF YOU DON'T STOP BOTHERING ME!!! Oh, and Bulma, I need an extra pair of socks.
Girls: Awww, that is so sweet!! (they swoon and Vegeta blasts at them. He knocks the guards out and starts blasting at every girl in the room, but they only increase in number)
Jerry: (casually, as if he sees this every day) We'll return for our fourth segment right after these messages.
(Five minutes pass.)
Jerry: We're back with our final segment of the series, "Help, I have too many girlfriends!". We have already spoken to Mr. Masaki, Mr. Strife, and Mr. Vegeta, and now we're ready to speak with Serge. Serge, tell us about your girlfriend problems.
Serge: ......
Jerry: I see. So you originally had Leena, but Kid pushed her way into your life and forced Leena out of the scene. But that wasn't enough, and soon Harle made her way into the picture. Is that correct?
Serge: (nodding his head)
Jerry: I see. Well, let's bring in your three so-called girlfriends in here, shall we? (the audience cheers and whistles as Harle, Leena, and Kid enter the room. Leena is the only one that looks like she has any civility left in her) Welcome to the show, ladies.
Leena: Thank you, Mr. Springer. It's an honor to be on your show.
Jerry: (amazed) ...wow, somebody who's actually polite! Unreal! Erm, yes. Tell me, Leena--were you Serge's original girlfriend?
Leena: Yes sir, I was, and I still consider myself Serge's girl. (she smiles at him warmly. the audience goes awwwwwwwww)
Jerry: Well, I have here two ladies that would argue otherwise. Kid, do you have--Kid? (Kid is out of her seat. She has her arms around Serge, giving him a great big kiss)
Leena: Hey! Kid! (audience is cheering and going ooooooooooooooh)
Kid: Ahahahahahaaa! Oi, yer a great kisser, mate! Heh, sorry Leena! (Leena shakes her head in irritation)
Leena: Serge, do you love Kid? (he nods his head) Are you in love with Kid? (he shakes his head) Good, that's what I wanted to hear.
Kid: WHAT!?! OI!
Harle: Aha! Monsieur Serge ees een love with moi! (she folds her arms around his neck)
Kid: OI! Get offa him, ya freak! (Harle sticks her tongue out)
Harle: Come and make moi, if vous dare! (they attack each other. Jerry sighs in defeat)
Leena: Serge, do you love Harle? (he nods his head) Are you in love with Harle? (he shakes his head) Good, that's what I wanted to hear. (the guards separate Kid and Harle, and threaten to leave if Jerry doesn't give them a raise)
Jerry: Well, Leena, you might be surprised that Serge actually has another girlfriend that nobody knows about! (the audience gasps) Bring out Serge's girlfriend! (Janice suddenly skips into the studio, waves at the cheering audience, and cuddles up next to Serge)
Leena: (shocked) Serge!! Why didn't you tell me?
Serge: (shrugs)
Leena: Well, you'd better treat him like royalty, Janice! (she turns her back to him fiercely, and the audience boos)
Jerry: Janice, when did you and Serge decide to hook up?
Janice: Oh, long before we went on this road trip, Jerry!
Kid, Leena, and Harle: SAY WHAT?!
Janice: (giggling) It's true! Oh, and Kid? I wouldn't count on you being with my Sergiepoo anytime soon.
Kid: Why's that?
Janice: Well...? Jerry?
Jerry: You got it, Janice! Bring out Lynx and Lucca! (suddenly, Lynx and Lucca Ashtear appear, shocking Kid beyond belief)
Kid: S-SIS!! Y-YER ALIVE!!!
Lucca: Well, of course I'm alive, Kid! (Kid hugs Lucca fiercely)
Kid: B-but... how? Why? And... why's Lynx here?
Lucca: It's a long story, Kid. (Kid lets go of Lucca and brings out her dagger. the audience screams for a fight, as if they hadn't seen enough)
Kid: Lynx! Yer gonna pay for burnin' our house down! Lucca may be alive, but that don't mean that I forgive ya! (she attacks Lynx and slices at his arm, but he knocks her away and points his deadly scythe at her throat)
Lynx: There is no escape! Don't make me destroy you, Kid! (Kid kicks at Lynx, but he lets his scythe down on her arm and nearly cuts it. Kid screams in shock as the guards try to stop them, but Lynx blows them away) Kid, you do not yet realize your importance. You have only begun to discover your power. Join me, and I will complete your training. With our combined strength, we can end this destructive conflict and bring order to the world!
Kid: You dirty ?!#$^?$%^!! I'll never join ya!
Lynx: (darkly) If you only knew the power of the dark side! You know, Kid, Lucca never told you what became of your parents.
Kid: She told me enough! She told me that you killed them! You killed my mother, and you killed my father!
Lynx: No, Kid! (pauses dramatically) I am your father! (a hollow pause as Kid stares back at Lynx in horror. the audience is dead silent)
Kid: No... that ain't true! That's impossible!!
Lynx: Search your feelings, you know it to be true!!
Kid: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Nooo... (Kid breathes heavily as Lynx released his scythe)
Lynx: Kid, you can destroy FATE. She has foreseen this. Join me, and together we can rule the--
Kid: Oi! If yer me father, then who's me mother? (Lynx swallows. Lucca steps up)
Lucca: I am your mother, Kid. (an awkward pause)
Kid: No... that ain't true! That's impossible!!
Lucca: (gently) Search your feelings, you know it to be true.
Kid: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Nooo... (Kid breathes heavily as Lucca gazes at her sadly) Y-ya mean... Lynx and...?
Lucca: (slowly) Yes.
Kid: (grimacing) ...Oh, that just ain't right. Oi, if Lynx is my father... and Lynx is Serge's father, then... that means...
Serge: (standing up) Yes, Kid. I am your brother.
Kid: No... that ain't true! That's impossible!!
Serge: Search your feelings, Kid. You know it to be true!
Kid: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Nooo...
Jerry: This is getting old.
Kid: Ya mean ta tell me that I've had a thing for me own brother?!?!?!
Serge: (nodding slowly)
Kid: Ugh, now that ain't right!!
Jerry: A confusing family debacle that has just revealed itself on national television. More when we come back, and any further resolutions.
(Five minutes pass)
Jerry: We're back, with "Help, I have too many girlfriends!". Today we've seen the devastation caused by having way too many girls around. We've peered into the secret lives of the men they love, and we've seen that the only thing they ask for is peace. But thankfully, over the commercial break, our girls have made peace with each other and have resolved all conflict. Princess Ayeka?
Ayeka: Yes, honorable Jerry. (she turns to Ryoko) I want to apologize, Miss Ryoko. I've been such a selfish woman recently. It has become fairly obvious that Lord Tenchi loves you more, and I want you to have him. But I would also like for us to be friends. (she hugs Ryoko)
Ryoko: No, I should be the one apologizing, princess. I've acted like nothing but a childish moron, and it's become plain to me that Tenchi loves you more. Please, as my dearest friend, I want you to have him.
Tenchi: Girls...
Ayeka: But I couldn't! He's been in love with you forever! You take him!
Ryoko: I can't! I wouldn't want you to be unhappy! You take him.
Ayeka: No, please Ryoko--you take him.
Tenchi: Girls...
Ryoko: (growing irritated) Ayeka! Sweetie! Tenchi is yours!
Ayeka: Ryoko dear, I insist!
Ryoko: No, I insist!
Tenchi: Girls!
Ayeka: (growling) You can have him!
Ryoko: (growling) No! You can have him! (they start fighting again, and Tenchi sighs in defeat)
Tenchi: I just can't win here, Jerry! (he shrugs and kisses Sakuya. Meanwhile, Kiyone and Mihoshi have made up, and have left the building long ago with Sasami and Washu)
Jerry: What about you, Cloud?
Aeris: I love you, so I want you to have him!
Tifa: You're my best friend, so you should have him!
Aeris: You grew up with him, so he's yours!!
Tifa: He's your bodyguard, so he's yours!! (they start fighting and Cloud sighs in defeat)
Cloud: Let's get outta here, Yuffie.
Yuffie: (gushing) Sure thing, Cloud... (they leave hand-in-hand. Jessie has left long ago)
Jerry: Vegeta? (he is making out with Bulma. Jerry completely ignores them and steps towards our heroes) Serge?
Janice: You talked! Sergey, you talked! (she hugs him tightly)
Serge: (smiling)
Jerry: And what about you, Harle? Kid? (Kid is playing catch with her parents. She tosses a ball at Lynx, and it bonks him on the head)
Lynx: Good throw, honey! Hey, go long, Kid! Go long!
Kid: (squealing) Woo-hoo! Oi, g'day Jerry! I've got some catchin' up ta do with my dad! (she runs and catches the ball that Lynx throws) Oi, yer a great dad!!
Harle: How amuzing, non? (Lucca and Harle share a smile and a laugh) Oh, Jerry, moi doez not mind zat Serge haz a secret love--really I don't. Az long az moi eez able to enjoy time weeth Mademoiselle Lucca and Monsieur Lynx, zen moi is 'appy.
Jerry: What a good ending to a good show. Tune in next time when we cover the difficult "I am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate". Good day, everyone.
Adventures in Fort Knox, finale: It all happened so fast!
Kid got arrested for robbing Fort Knox and was placed in prison with everyone else. As usual, Starky was the brunt of the blame, and as usual, somebody broke our heroes out of jail. But now both Lucca and Lynx were joining in the road trip. What kind of wacky adventures could our heroes possibly go through now? Stay tuned to find out!
"Where-th art we going now?" asked Turnip. Glenn shrugged.
"We've been pretty much everywhere this country has to offer."
"Not so, lad!" shouted Fargo. "We haven't explored her capitol just yet!!" Glenn paused as he considered it, and continued to drive the bus. Fargo had a point, besides the one on his sword.
"Where is the capitol?" asked the knight. As usual, everyone turned to Kid's atlas.
"We're in Kentucky now, so we should make it soon of we keep headin' east. I'll tellya when you should turn, Glenn." Glenn nodded his head. Leena sighed, the scars of the "Springer episode" still fresh on her young mind. To think that Serge had a secret girlfriend all this time! And it had been Janice all along! Even more bizarre was the fact that Kid had once been Serge's would-be girlfriend--only to turn out to be his younger sister! And Lynx and Lucca their real parents!! What was up with that??
"WhatCHA thinkin' about, Leena?" asked Orcha. She sighed.
"Serge and Kid. I never suspected that he had a girlfriend or a sister! And I thought that Marge and Wazuki were his real parents!"
"Well," said Lucca slowly, "that's not entirely false. I gave birth to them sure enough, but to protect them from the grasp of FATE, I let my old friend Marge adopt young Serge as her own son while I kept Kid in my orphanage. Serge looked so much like Wazuki that I thought it would be best to let him adopt."
"But I thought that Lynx was Wazuki," said Steena. Lucca frowned.
"Well, he is, and he isn't. It's too hard to explain. But Lynx is genuinely Serge and Kid's father, as I am genuinely their mother."
"An' what about that bus'ness with Kid bein' Schala's daughter-clone?" asked Zappa.
"That, I can answer," replied the scientist. "Schala's original daughter- clone died when my house burned to the ground, but I was able to save her pendent. Since Kid resembled the original bearer of the pendent, I just told her that she was the daughter-clone. Besides, which do you think Kid would believe more: Lynx and I were her parents, or she was the daughter- clone of Schala?" Zappa shrugged.
"Ye have a point there." Kid smiled and hugged her newfound sister-turned- mother.
"Well, I don't care who we are, long as we're together again!" Lucca smiled and stroked her daughter's blonde hair.
"I second dat notion," said Luccia, smiling warmly. "It hast been too long since I haff seen Lucca, and I haff even missed de old Lynx."
"Old Lynx?"
"Like my colleague said," replied Luccia dryly, "it ist too hard to explain. Ve should be concentrating on heading toward de capitol of dis country. Vat is de name of de capitol, herr Fargo?"
"Washington, D.C., lass!"
"Den to Vashington, D.C. ve shall go."