PART TWELVE: AC D.C.
Two days passed.
Adventures in Washington, D.C., Chapter One: The Best of Crimes
(soap opera music cues up. Serge and C-3PO are together in a room)
C-3PO: Master Serge, it has come to my attention that I am pregnant. (an awkward pause thickens as Serge gazes back at C-3PO in astonishment and confusion)
Meanwhile...
"Well, we're in the capitol," said Nikki. "Now what?" He glanced around the bus, searching for his father. "Hey, anybody seen my father?"
"Nope," said Kid.
"No," said Lynx.
"No," said Norris.
"No," said Steena.
"No," said Riddel.
"Noo," said Starky.
"Nope," said Doc.
"No," said Pip.
"NoCHA," said Orcha.
"No," said Greco.
"NoCHA," said Macha.
"No," said Draggy.
"Naw," said Janice.
"Nope," said Miki.
"No," said Guile.
"No," said Viper.
"No," said Karsh.
"NO," said Zoah.
"Like, no way!" said Marcy.
"NoCHA," said Korcha.
"No," said Luccia.
"No," said Lucca.
"No," said Poshul.
"No," said Razzly.
"Nae," said Zappa.
"Isn't that a lovely tree?" said Radius.
"No," said Glenn.
"No," said Leena.
"...," said Serge.
"Non," said Harle.
"Nah," said Sprigg.
"No-om," said Mojo.
"Nay," said Turnip.
"No," said NeoFio.
"Nope," said Skelly.
"No," said Funguy.
"No," said Irenes.
"NoCHA," said Mel.
"No," said Leah.
"No," said Van.
"No," said Sneff.
"No," said Grobyc.
"Non," said Pierre.
"No," said Orlha.
"Well, shoot!" exclaimed Nikki. "I guess we'd better go looking for him!"
Fargo had secretly escaped the group earlier that day. He was making his way through the capitol and was headed towards the White House. Fargo, why are you going towards the White House?
"Arr! Cuz' I'm gonna take over this country!" But why do you want to take over this country? "Arr! Umm, I don't know!" Well, that makes sense. Good luck, sea-dog!
Finally, Fargo was at the gates of the White House. Although he had been stopped by many guards, none of them scared the pirate, as he pushed and shoved his way into the historic building and into the Oval Office.
"Arr!" he roared, pointing his cutlass. "I'm takin' over this place!" President Bush looked up from his papers.
"Oh, hey Fargo," he said, waving nonchalantly. "I can't play with you now. I've got other priorities to do--looking out for America being one of them."
"Arr!" roared Fargo. "I didn't ask ye! Now hand over the key to the country!" President Bush sighed again and concentrated on his papers.
"All right, Fargo. But really, I have these SUV laws to pick out and so many other things. Right? But if you really want to take over the country, then the key's up there." Fargo growled and reached for the key to the country.
"Arr! This country is mine! MINE, I say!!!"
"Yes, whatever you say, Fargo," mumbled Bush nonchalantly. "Now let me get back to my work, and I promise I'll spend some time with you, or whatever." Fargo ran out of the White House, flashing the key to the country at everyone he saw.
"Arr! I have the key to this country!" Nobody stopped him once they saw him flashing the key to the country. They just let him pass. After he ran off, the guards swarmed into the oval office, demanding to know why the President gave Fargo the key.
"Mr. President, why did you give Fargo the key?"
"I'm just letting the baby have his bottle," replied Bush. "I'll face Fargo on his own terms. Let him run around for awhile, then challenge him to Celebrity Deathmatch."
"Celebrity Deathmatch?" gasped the guards. "But... won't that be dangerous?"
"No, don't worry about me."
"All right," sighed his guards. "Anybody else you want to invite, sir?"
"Yes, actually," replied Bush thoughtfully.
Adventures in Washington, D. C., Chapter Two: The Worst of Crimes
With the key to the country in hand, Fargo decided to have a day of it. He stepped out in the middle of the road and almost got ran over.
"Arr! Watch where yer goin'!" The driver answered with some expletives. "Same ta you, matey!" Fargo waved at the driver with the key to the country. "Arr! What could a lad do with this here key?"
"Go back to Jersey, you moron!"
"I ain't from Jersey!" Fargo jaywalked.
"Don't jaywalk," a police officer warned. Fargo walked over to him, unsheathing his sword. He waved the key to the country in the cop's face.
"I've got the key to the country! Arr har har!" The cop gave him a weird look. Fargo ran away, laughing maniacally. Cloud shrugged his shoulders.
"Stop shrugging, Cloud!" Barrett ordered.
"Leave me alone!" Cloud shouted. Now that he had the key to the country, Fargo's first destination was the Hard Rock Cafe. Fargo stole a taxicab and drove himself, using directions found on the back of a cereal box (the original driver couldn't understand his English and kept on saying 'Is that your final answer, sir?'). The workers at the Hard Rock Cafe were only slightly surprised to see a crazy pirate.
"I want a table, lads! Now!" Fargo showed them the key to the country.
"Man, it's another one of those wackos," groaned the worker.
"Arr?"
"Yeah, we've got, like, twenty of them already," another worker nodded. For some "strange reason", he sounded suspiciously like a Marcy follower.
"Arr?"
"Stop saying that!" shouted a random person. Fargo was curious about the wackos, so he used the key to the country to get a free pass. Marcy, Mel, Leah, Korcha, and Janice were eating at a table. Fargo ignored them and tried to pry a table from the floor. The manager of Hard Rock came over to see what he was doing.
"What are you doing?"
"I'm stealin' this table!"
"Why?"
"Because I've got the key to the country!" He fiercely wielded the key to the country. Everyone in the cafe stopped what they were doing, in awe of the pirate and his key. The manager cowered.
"Like, what is he doing?" said Marcy snobbishly, clicking her tongue.
"There he goes again," sighed Mel, "taking the key to the country and pushing everyone around. I wanted the key to the country."
"Shut up Mel," ordered Korcha. "Nobody cares about you."
"OH NO! KORCHA'S HAIR IS ON FIRE!!!!" Janice screamed.
"AAAHH!!! Put it out, put it out!" shrieked Korcha maniacally. He fell on the floor and started rolling around.
"You shouldn't roll on the floor, Korcha. You don't know where it's been," Mel told him.
"Shut up, Mel!!" screamed Korcha. Marcy ran to get a bucket of water and came back. She hurled the contents at him, but instead of being doused by water, Korcha was bombarded by cubes of ice. Korcha stared at Marcy coldly (no pun intended) as the ice fell to the floor.
"Oh, that was smart."
"Um... you're still on fire," pointed Marcy. Korcha looked up and suddenly realized he was still on fire.
"AAAHH!!! Put it out, put it out!" shrieked Korcha maniacally. Marcy ran to get a bucket of water.
"Here we go-um again!" said Leah. Fargo was eating happily at his table when a group of singing waiters came by.
"AAHH!! Singing waiters! Get me outta here!" He bolted out of the door, screaming maniacally.
Adventures in Washington, D. C. Chapter Three: Mr. Van Goes to Washington
Van was alone on the bus. He got off, wondering why everyone left him. It dawned on him that he was useless. He had no major role in the road trip. Nobody loved poor Van!
"Nobody loves me!" he cried. "I think I shall go berserk." He ran around for a while, screaming maniacally and shouting nonsensical phrases. After a few minutes of that, he came to a lake. He thought it'd be a good idea to go for a swim, so he jumped in. A duck stole his hat.
"Come back here!" he sang, a demented look on his face. He grabbed the duck fiercely, staring into it with wild eyes. In a fit of demented insanity, he smooched the fowl creature on its head. Laughing uncontrollably, he pulled out a roll of duct tape from his pouch and slowly wrapped the tape around the duck, attaching the poor creature to his head.
"Now you're going to be my new hat!" he said, foaming at the mouth. He was quite mad. With the duck secure on his noggin, Van went skipping along to the Washington Monument. He tilted his head upward, staring at the enormous marble spire.
"Ooh! Me want to climb!" With the deliberation of a madman, Van slowly crept toward the tower, firmly gripping the walls as he began to climb. For some mysterious reason, Van was able to scale the mighty tower. Finally, after an hour of strenuous scaling, he made it to the top.
"I'm the King of Funky Town!" he roared, addressing the land before him. "Bow down and worship me!"
"Quack," said the duck. Van suddenly started twirling around like a top gone insane, singing "I'm a Little Teapot" over and over again.
Adventures in Washington, D. C., Chapter Four: Where Should Fargo go Next?
Where should he go next?
"Arr! I'll tell you! I'm goin' ta Disneyworld!" You've already been there. "Oh. Then I'm goin' ta Congress!" Fargo thought a while. "Where is Congress?" I don't know. Fargo shrugged and walked up to Capital Hill where he met a bill. "Who're you?"
"I'm just a bill, sitting here on Capital Hill," sighed the bill sadly. Fargo whipped out his trusty flamethrower and blasted the poor bill.
"Now yer fryin' here on Capital Hill!" He laughed heartily as he stormed into the Congress building. "Arr! I've got the key to country and I'm takin' over this sorry joint!"
"Wait a minute," said a Congressman. "Can't we take a vote first?"
"But I've got the key!" whined Fargo.
"It'll just take a second," assured the Congressman. They began talking amongst themselves. Fargo waited for about five minutes, then got impatient and started killing people.
"Hey!" whined a Congressman. "Stop killing people!" Fargo punched him in the nose. Suddenly, one of the President's aides gave him a letter.
"What's this? An invitation to Celebrity Deathmatch? Arr! I'm already there!"
Adventures in Washington, D. C. Chapter Five: A Visit to St. Lincoln?
After his escapades at the Washington Monument, Van decided to visit the Lincoln Memorial. He skipped up to Lincoln's statue and climbed up on the statue's lap.
"Hello, Mr. Lincoln," he cooed. "I want a pony for Christmas! And a piggybank, and a paintbrush, and a new duck..."
"Quack," said the duck. Van suddenly grew concerned as a thought entered his head.
"Why won't you give a house to my daddy, Mr. Lincoln?" He rolled his eyes crazily. "What do you want for Christmas, Mr. Quackers?"
"Quack," said the duck.
I want some duct tape for Mr. Quackers, and Mr. Quackers wants Quack. What's Quack, Mr. Quackers?"
Quack," said Mr. Quackers. Suddenly, one of the President's aides gave Van a letter.
What's this?" sang Van. "Ooh! Celebrity Deathmatch!" He then proceeded to eat the letter. "That was delicious, Mr. Quackers!" He turned around and waved crazily at the statue of Lincoln. "Merry Christmas, Mr. Lincoln!"
Adventures in Washington, D. C. Chapter Six: Celebrity Deathmatch!
Finally, the big day had arrived.
"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! WELCOME TO CELEBRITY DEATHMATCH!!! TODAY, SEE PRESIDENT BUSH GO ONE-ON-ONE AGAINST OSAMA BIN-LADEN!! SEE HARRY POTTER DUEL IT OUT TO THE DEATH WITH FARGO!! WINNER TAKES ALL! OH YEAH!!"
"Ah hate that announcer," grumbled Zappa.
"I know," said Riddel, "but let's cheer for Fargo nonetheless." She clapped her hands as the referee came out onto the ring with Fargo and Harry Potter.
"All right," began the ref, "you boys know the rules. If you kill someone, they lose. Well, now that I've covered all the rules, what say we get down to business and show these people a good fight!?" The audience cheered, and the bell sounded for the first match to commence.
Harry Potter growled viciously as he stormed towards the pirate, his mouth already conjuring up his most devastating spell. Suddenly, he slipped on a bar of soap and fell on the mat, breaking his neck. The fall killed him instantly.
"Huh?" said Fargo, a puzzled look on his face. He gazed at the dead wizard, unsure as to what had just happened. "Is it over?" he asked. "Arr, blow me down! Th' fight's over before it began!" Fargo cheered as the referee held his arm up.
"The winner: Fargo!!" The audience cheered wildly, and the band began playing "Stars and Stripes Forever" in honor of Fargo's victory.
"Um, guys!" said Miki. "What just happened?" Riddel shrugged and produced an unusually large rocket launcher, aimed it at the fallen magician, and blew up half the ring with the shot.
"Cool!!!" squeaked Mel.
"Hey, looks like Bush and Osama are entering the ring," pointed NeoFio. Sure enough, President Bush and Osama Ben-Laden had stepped into the ring. The audience booed and cheered as the referee went over the rule. After the bell sounded, Osama began speaking gibberish that nobody could understand.
"All right, Osama," said Bush calmly, "you're going down!" With that challenge out, Bush stepped forward and began punching Osama in the face. With every blow, the terrorist grunted out painfully as he staggered backwards. "Don't mess with Texas!" cried Bush, pummeling the Afghan mercilessly. He began spinning his fists around faster and faster, beating Osama's brains out like a small punching bag. Finally, Bush went "Oh, a wise guy, eh?" and poked him in the eyes.
"Ah! My eyes!" screamed Osama. "Allah help me!" The crowd roared as Bush calmly produced a cigar from his pocket.
"Here," he said, lighting the tip. "Just to show you that America isn't so bad." Bush stuck the cigar in Osama's mouth, and backed away as it blew up. The crowd cheered as Osama sat there dizzily. As the terrorist looked up, his eyes bugged out as he saw a piano crashing down towards him.
BANG!!!
"I won!" shouted Bush, jumping up and down. "Don't mess with America!"
"USA! USA! USA! USA!" chanted the crowds. Osama poked his head out from the wreckage, several piano keys hanging out from his mouth. They played "Yankee Doodle Dandy" as he collapsed on the floor. Slowly, Pip made his way onto the scene and decapitated him with his tail.
"I got him!" he squeaked. "I got him!!"
"AND NOW, THE FINAL MATCH IN THE GREATEST EPISODE OF CELEBRITY DEATHMATCH EVER!! IN THIS CORNER, PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH!! AND IN THE OTHER CORNER, THE CURRENT HOLDER OF THE KEY TO THE COUNTRY, FARGO!!" The audience went berserk as the two "warriors" entered the ring. Fargo gloated proudly as he dangled the key to the country.
"Arr! You want this back? Come and get it, then!"
"Oh, I will," replied Bush simply. The bell started, and Fargo immediately rushed out, preparing his unstoppable Invincible tech skill. But before he could execute it, Bush leaped out of the way, drawing his own sword.
"Arr! I see that yer sword is as big as mine!" laughed Fargo. The two fighters glanced briefly at their weapons to make sure it was true. "Now we'll see how well you... handle it!" With that, Fargo and Bush lunged at each other, swinging their blades dramatically. They dueled for several minutes, neither one receiving any kind of advantage. Suddenly, Fargo sliced at Bush but missed, and hit Ted instead. He died instantly.
"Uhhh... He did it!" pointed Fargo.
"What?!" screamed Bush, continuing the fight. The duel raged on, but suddenly, the blades were cut in half due to the intensity of the battle. Fargo and Bush stared at their weapons briefly, shrugged, and continued dueling with half a sword. But soon the halves broke in half, leaving only one-fourth of a sword. They shrugged again and continued fighting.
The fourths soon broke into eighths, and although their swords were no longer than sewing needles, neither Fargo nor Bush wanted to quit. Finally, the swords broke into one-sixteenths their original size, leaving them too short to duel with.
"Arr," grumbled Fargo, "we're not gettin' anywhere!" Bush nodded.
"Right. How about thumb-wrestling match?" Fargo agreed, and the two clasped hands in a vicious lock. The audience cheered as Fargo and Bush eyed each other's thumbs. Suddenly, Bush swerved his digit around and pinned Fargo's thumb down, winning the match and the game.
"Shiver me timbers!" roared Fargo. "I... I lost!"
"That's right," replied Bush simply. "Now hand over the key to the country." Fargo grunted and threw the key at the President. Suddenly, the president's bodyguards came and arrested Fargo for taking over the country.
Well, you can guess what happens here. The cops land everyone in jail, again. And Starky's the one they blamed, again. And then somebody broke them out, again. And then they make a dramatic getaway and continue their road trip, again.
"Now if we could actually go somewhere without landing in prison!!" spat Korcha, glaring at Starky, "then maybe we'll have a good time."
"Starky soorry," said Starky. "Iit not Starky's fauult that Starky an aliien."
"Well, that aside, where do you suggest we go now?" asked Steena.
"I wanna go home!" whined Mel.
"How about Philadelphia?" asked Greco. Glenn shrugged.
"Why not?" he said, steering the bus towards Philadelphia.
"Because world hunger affects us all," said Orlha. Everyone paused and stared at her.
"Would you two stop that!" yelled Leena suddenly. Serge and Janice had just been expressing their true feelings towards each other, if you know what I mean. Janice grinned.
"Sorry, Leena. But your ex is a great kisser!" She winked as Serge pulled her back, and Leena grunted.
"Would you two stop that!" she yelled again. Lucca and Lynx had been snuggling. "That's just plain wrong!"
"But we're madly in love!" stated Lynx. Lucca purred.
"H'm, yeah, get over it, Leena!" Leena pouted. All across the bus, people were being lovey-dovey with each other, and that made her mad. Serge was with Janice, Orlha was with Norris, Lynx was with Lucca, Nikki was with Miki, Riddel was with Dario (who was strangely AWOL), Korcha was with Kid, Zappa was with Zippa (who was also strangely AWOL), Fargo was with Irenes and Marcy, Turnip was with NeoFio, Van was with Mr. Quackers, Luccia was with Grobyc (he had blown a fuse from all the love), Mojo, Skelly, and Sprigg were engaged in a bawdy drinking song, Pierre was trying to be with Harle, and Pip was basically with everyone.
"It's not fair!" she cried. "I'm young! I'm pretty! I'm polite! I'm single! What gives?"
"I know what you mean," said Steena empathetically. "I too know the effects of being single. But let us try and make the most of it." She smiled and patted Leena's arm.
"Hey," said Doc, interrupting the two, "do you still have that tattoo, Steena?" She turned red and closed her eyes.
"I'd rather not say," she replied roughly, and Doc backed away. Suddenly, the bus blew up.
"This looks awphully phamiliar," said NeoFio, staring at the burning wreckage.
"Hey, wasn't Aeris in there?" asked Sneff.
"Who cares?" stated Karsh. "We're in ?$%&?#%! Philadelphia anyway, so let's go!"