PART THIRTEEN: AAAADRIIIAAAAAAAAANE!!!!!!!!!!
Adventures in Philadelphia, contention Uno: Ring My Bell
Zappa walked into Independence Hall, the museum where the Liberty Bell was placed.
"Ach," he spat, "this bell's seen better days. Looks like ah kin fix it if ah had some time ta m'self." And without further delay, Zappa stole the Liberty Bell and carried it off to a secret workshop, where he had Maas, Meese, Mose, Moose, and Mace from Suikoden and Watts from the Gaia games help him.
"A fine collection of tools you have here!" exclaimed Maas.
"Way too cramped to work in here," grumbled Meese.
"This army gets bigger every day, so I'm always busy," noted Mose.
"I've got to keep this in top shape!" said Moose.
"In order to fix this bell, the weak spots must be hammered out," said Mace.
"One million strikes!" yelled Watts.
"Ach!" spat Zappa. "It's done!" After the seven of them finished the bell, they carefully carried it back to Independence Hall and placed it in its original position. A tourist walked by the bell and screamed.
"Vandalism!"
Adventures in Philadelphia, contention Deux: Fast Food Follies
Riddel, Steena, Pip, and Glenn walked into a fast food place. They were all very hungry and had not eaten in a long time. Some of the women in the room swooned when they saw Glenn and gushed when they saw Pip, and some of the men in the room had hearts floating around their heads when they caught sight of Steena and Riddel.
"I shall have a grilled chicken sandwich," said Riddel. The cashier drooled.
"Uhhh... y-yes, ma'am..." He punched in her order.
"And I shall have the roast beef," said Steena. The cashier rubbed his eyes.
"Uhhh... y-yes, ma'am... (Man oh man, I'm the luckiest guy in the world!)"
"I will just take a hamburger," said Glenn. The other cashier gushed.
"Sure thing, hon," she said dreamily. She was too smitten to punch in the right order.
"I'll have a miwkshake!" squeaked Pip.
"Awwwww, he's so cute!" squealed the cashier. She completely forgot about Pip's order.
The gang sat down at a booth and ate their lunches quietly. After they filled their bellies, the went back to the cashier to pay for their meal.
"Nine eighty-three," mumbled the male cashier, his eyes fixed on the ladies.
"Five forty-six," gushed the female cashier, staring at Glenn. He reached into his wallet, but when he opened it up, a butterfly escaped.
"Free!" it squealed. "I'm free!" Glenn scratched his head and shrugged.
"I guess I'm penniless," he said. The female was too smitten to hear him.
"As are we," sighed Riddel sadly. The man only smiled dreamily. Suddenly, the manager entered the room. He was not affected by the girls or Pip.
"No money?" he growled. He slapped the foursome with a uniform. "Then you'll have to work it off!!"
Bum bum bummm!!
Two hours later...
"Hello, welcome to Square Meals," mumbled Glenn, clenching his teeth with embarrassment. Riddel had said that he looked fine in his new uniform, but he could tell that she was trying to hold back a laugh. As always, Pip looked adorable with his little uniform and miniature chef's hat. "May I take your odor?"
"Yes, I'll have--excuse me?"
"Oops!" gasped Glenn. The manager growled.
"GLE-EEENN!!!!!"
"Hello, welcome to Square Meals," smiled Riddel cheerfully. She looked absolutely ridiculous in her uniform, but she was still unquestionably beautiful. "May I take your order?"
"Yes, I'll have the baked potato."
"Would you like fries with that?" smiled Riddel. The customer looked at her strangely.
"Why would I want fries with my potato?" he asked. Riddel shrugged.
"I just thought you might."
"But if I wanted fries, then I would have told you."
"Oh. So do you want fries?" asked Riddel.
"No!" shouted the customer. "I'm leaving!" And with that, he stormed off.
"RIDD-DEEELLL!!!!" roared the manager. She sighed.
"Welcome to Square Meals," said Steena, trying her best to smile. She was still stunning, but she looked like she had just crawled out of a Goodwill dumpster. "May I take your order?"
"Yes, I'll have a cheeseburger," replied the customer.
"That is one dollar, fifty cents. Would you care to add fries to that for only fifty cents?"
"Why, sure!" smiled the customer.
"You can add a drink to that for only forty cents more."
"Sure," said the customer blankly.
"Would you care to super-size your fries for only thirty cents more?"
"I guess," shrugged the customer.
"How about super-sizing your drink for twenty-five cents?"
"Well, okay..." mumbled the customer.
"You can also add an icy dessert for a dollar."
"Go ahead," grumbled the customer.
"Or you can just have the cheeseburger and save $2.45."
"AAAAHHHH!!!!!" screamed the customer, storming out of the building. Steena sighed.
"STEE-NAAAAA!!!!" roared the manager.
"Wewcome to Sqwahe Meaws," squeaked Pip. "May I take youh owdeh?"
"Awwww, he's so cute!!" gushed the customer's child. Pip smiled.
"Thanks! But may I take youh owder?"
"I wanna take him home, daddy!" squealed the child. The older man frowned.
"We can't take him home, Stacy. He works here."
"But daddy--"
"Come on, honey," said the man in a tired voice. "Tell the nice... thing what you want."
"I wanna take him home!" screamed the girl. The man looked around him nervously.
"Ssh!" he hissed, but the girl only screamed more.
"Do you want fwies with dat?" asked Pip. The man sighed and picked his daughter up off the floor. They both left the building, leaving Pip sitting on the counter.
"PII-IIIIIP!!!" roared the manager.
"Welcome to Square Meals!" smiled Riddel. "May I take your--DARIO!!!"
"Lady Riddel!" Riddel hopped over the counter, flung her arms around her love, and gave him the most loving kiss she could think of. All the customers in the restaurant clapped as the two lovers were reunited.
"Sir Dario!" exclaimed Steena. She grinned as the two broke their kiss.
"Hello, Steena," grinned Dario. "What are you two doing here?" Riddel looked away in embarrassment.
"Well, we couldn't pay our debts, and so..."
"Brother!" Glenn appeared behind the counter, clasping his brother's hand.
"Why if it isn't Glenn!" smiled Dario. "Are you in debt as well?"
"Yes, I am," replied the knight sadly.
"How much?" Glenn whispered the amount in his brother's ear. "WHAT!! That's not fair! I shall have to help you!"
"HEY, you slackers!" roared the manager suddenly. He stomped in the room and caught sight of Riddel clinging onto Dario. "RIDD-DEL!!! Keep your hands off the customer! Steena, you've got a mess to clean up around the fries! Glenn, there are customers waiting! And Pip! I thought I told you to make me some more salads! HOP TO IT, YOU MAGGOTS!"
"Umm, excuse me, sir," said Dario softly, "but these people are my friends. If it would be at all possible for me to help pay off their debt..."
"Well..." grumbled the manager thoughtfully.
Two hours later...
"Welcome to Square Meals," grumbled Dario. "May I take your order?"
"Fish sandwich," replied the customer.
"Two sixty-seven," grumbled the knight. Riddel giggled and poked his side.
"Dario, you're so sweet!" He looked at her impatiently.
"This isn't what I had in mind."
Adventures in Philadelphia, contention Trio: Eating Thunder and Crapping Lightning
Greco was watching television on the bus while everyone was wandering around the city. He had soon grown bored of the sights and sounds, and wished to leave as soon as possible. Suddenly, an announcement came on the television.
"Do you have boxing, wrestling, or martial arts experience?" asked the announcer. "Well if you do, then come on down to the Great Philadelphia Boxing Ring! Test your skills against the best boxers in the world! Our featured fighters are every single opponent from every single Rocky movie ever made! Come on down and show us your stuff!" The program flashed all the legal rules by, and gave the address before switching to another commercial. Greco shrugged to himself.
"Why not?" he asked himself, and got out of the bus.
As Greco entered the Great Philadelphia Boxing Ring, he was drowned in a clutter of hopeful contenders. The opponents fro the Rocky films were carefully watching the boxers fight, and knew that none of them stood a chance. Greco would have to plow his way through this intense competition if he hoped to have a shot at the title.
The first boxing opponent that Greco had to beat was a partridge with Paul McCartney.
The second boxing opponent that Greco had to beat was Duo Tuttledove and a partridge with Paul McCartney.
The third boxing opponent that Greco had to beat was Alfred French Ben, Duo Tuttledove, and a partridge with Paul McCartney.
The fourth boxing opponent that Greco had to beat was Fyor Mauling Perd, Alfred French Ben, Duo Tuttledove, and a partridge with Paul McCartney.
The fifth boxing opponent that Greco had to beat was FIVE LOUSY BUMS! Fyor Mauling Perd, Alfred French Ben, Duo Tuttledove, and a partridge with Paul McCartney!
(Later...)
The twelfth boxing opponent that Greco had to beat was Elf Trummer Trumming, Evelyn Piper Kaiping, Ben Hordas Heeping, Hyne Madys Gancing, Grate Paysley Pilking, Sven Svanson Sviming, Seth Jeesaw Laving, FIVE LOUSY BUMS! Fyor Mauling Perd, Alfred French Ben, Duo Tuttledove, and a partridge with Paul McCartney!
Greco rested in his locker room. He had beaten a total of twelve opponents, and would have the "distinct honor" of fighting against every Rocky opponent ever. But after fighting against twelve fighters, even the retired wrestler had to take a breather. Greco was 33 and certainly couldn't hope to get younger. His opponents were strong, fast, furious, and merciless, and it would take everything he had to beat them.
Finally, the big night came: Greco vs. Apollo Creed. As Greco was summoned into the ring, he could hear his friends cheering for him. Even Riddel, Glenn, Steena, Pip, and Dario had managed to show up. But when Apollo Creed came in, his patriotic "George Washington/Uncle Sam clothes" on, the crowd went nuts.
"I want you!" pointed Creed, waving an American flag at Greco and the audience. "I want you! I want you!"
"Is he talking to me?" asked Greco. Burgess Meredith shrugged, and the bell sounded.
DING!
Greco lightly bounced in the ring, his Luchador outfit still on. Creed only had his star-spangled boxers on, and boxing gloves. Creed and Greco each started the match with a few jabs, but suddenly, Greco knocked Creed a hard one, flooring him momentarily.
"Apollo Creed is down!" exclaimed the announcers. "Apollo Creed is down!" Creed shook himself and got back up, launching his own offense at the masked one. After a vicious beating, Greco went down and stayed for four counts before recovering. Another shot by Greco, two more by Creed, three from Greco, end of Round one. With chants of "Creed, Creed, Creed!" dying down and cheers of "Greco, Greco, Greco!" rising, the masked man knew that he was going the distance.
Round 2... Round 6... Round 11... Round 14...
It was the final round. Both Greco and Apollo looked like tenderized meat. Both were too exhausted to even see straight, let alone fight well. Both were nearly spent. Both stood to fight at the sound of the bell.
Creed blazed forward like a hurricane, launching hit after hit on Greco's beaten frame. He continued fighting, hardly receiving any sort of retribution. But at the last second, Greco recovered and pummeled Creed with everything he had, nearly knocking him down to the floor. The bell suddenly sounded, press and spectators filling the arena with shouting. Greco could barely hold himself together as the media swarmed around him. As the referee declared Creed to be the winner, he shouted out only one thing.
"ADRIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANE!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Talia Shire suddenly squeezed past the crowds, shouting at Greco.
"Yes?" she said.
"I want a rematch," replied Greco.
"You got it!" roared Creed.
Two days later...
Greco punched Apollo a lot and won the rematch. The he had to face Mr. T in the ring and lost, but came back to win the rematch. Greco nearly suffered a DTKO at the hands of Russian Ivan Drago, but came back to knock the Communist's socks off. Finally, the hot-headed young upstart Tommy "Machine" Gunn fell down on the mat after only two minutes, leaving Greco the boxing champion of the entire Rocky universe. Unfortunately, he was soundly beaten by Sylvester Stallone, who even though he was facing a younger and stronger opponent, reached down deep inside his heart, managed to find the courage to call himself a true champion, and miraculously won the fight in an exciting finale. As always.
And that was the end of the gang's trip to Philadelphia. Riddel reunited with Dario, and everyone who was employed at Square Meals managed to pay off their debts. However, Steena was still without a boyfriend, and Leena, Kid, and Harle were having relational problems of their own...