1.1.1 Chapter Four: Dis-Belonging
Angel cast a swift, shadowed glance across at Buffy. The walk home was taking longer than he remembered, and the gashes in his stomach, though rapidly closing, were actually stinging more than he wanted to admit. He looked ruefully at his dark green shirt. He had liked that shirt. Cordelia liked it too; she had been the one to insist he wear it when they were packing in the first place.
For a moment he wished Cordelia were beside him, then mentally cursed himself for an idiot. He looked over at Buffy again. You spent years loving this girl, he told himself. Doesn't matter that things are different now - you can walk down a street alone with her.
Then why did it all feel unbalanced?
For Buffy's part, she had a million questions running around in her mind. None of them were questions she particularly wanted to hear the answers to, but she knew herself well enough to know she'd ask them anyway.
Partway home, Xander and Cordelia had taken off somewhere together, Cordelia mumbling something about supplies and Xander offering to come along.
"As what?" asked Cordelia. "Protection? Ha!"
"Nope," Xander had replied, hefting the sword and waving it. "As bait. For the big ghastlies. I wanna see that light bulb trick again."
"Just keep being yourself, Xander. That oughta do it."
They had disappeared in the direction of town, sniping at each other with an easiness and warmth that made both Buffy and Angel smile. Now, with just the two of them left walking the street, the silence seemed somehow oppressive. Loaded. Both aware there were things to say, but neither willing to start.
Buffy breathed deep and decided a lead-in was in order. "So, lots of the weirdness in La La Land, huh?"
Angel instantly thought of Connor and a guilty sliver forced its way into his heart. But now was *not* the time. "Yeah," he admitted slowly. "Things have been extra-strange recently."
Buffy nodded. "There is one thing I was … kind of, I don't know, wondering about," she said cautiously. "I mean, it's totally none of my business, but I couldn't help…"
She trailed off, and Angel glanced over at her. "Couldn't help what?"
"Noticing … it's … well, Cordelia."
Angel stiffened. "What about her?" he asked carefully.
Buffy took a deep breath. "I don't really know how to ask this, but-"
"Then don't," Angel interrupted. "Don't ask. Don't say anything."
Buffy stopped dead and stared at him. "It's true," she breathed. "God…"
"She doesn't know!" said Angel desperately. "She doesn't know, okay? I've never ... I haven't ... it's all nothing, there's, there's … nothing." The truth of that hit him hard, and he sucked in a painful, unneeded breath.
Buffy shook her head sharply. "What I noticed wasn't a nothing. It was a something. A big-ass something." She started walking again, much faster.
Angel quickened his pace to keep up with her. "Buffy, look..."
"No, no, no looking," she said quickly. "I looked enough tonight. Much looking, and from thence followed the seeing."
Angel stopped. "Buffy!"
She kept walking.
"Buffy, it's not fair of you to act this way! I don't owe you anything!" he called after her, before closing his eyes. Dumbass. Well done. Great.
Buffy stopped too, and turned around, her eyes filled with pain. Finally, she said, "I know you don't. And that's what hurts the most, I think."
They looked at each other silently for a while, then resumed walking.
Finally, Buffy cleared her throat. "You should tell her."
"Don't," said Angel quickly.
"Well, you should! It's cowardly of you not to. What, are you just being all shady stalker-guy and watching her without her knowing it? She deserves to know, Angel."
"Let's not talk about this, okay?"
"Why not?" demanded Buffy. "We're supposed to be friends now, right? Friends tell each other stuff. Friends give advice. Friends tell their friends to date other frie- GOD! I just can't believe this, Angel! I'm sorry, I can't!"
Angel nodded. "Kinda why I didn't bring it up."
Buffy waved her arms around. "There's just way too much late-breaking news hitting me this evening, you know? I don't even know why I asked in the first place."
"Why did you?" asked Angel softly.
She looked over at him, and her eyes nearly broke his heart. "Because I had to know. I thought I was imagining it. I kinda hoped I was. But I had to know."
They had reached the veranda of the Summers house, and both hovered, unwilling to take the discussion into the house.
"It's not like I blame you," she said suddenly. She gently poked his chest. "Really. We both know how big that heart is. And let's face it, she's a hottie. Plus, hey, points for the biggest attitude adjustment of the century." She paused. "The millennium, maybe."
Amazingly, they both smiled at that. Buffy looked at her feet, then back up.
"I want to hear you say it."
The vampire stared at her. "That's just … you don't need…"
"You don't know what I need now," she told him heatedly. "I want to hear you say it. It's not real until you do." She smiled ruefully. "If you don't say it, a girl's got nothing to repeat to herself incredulously in the middle of the night when she can't sleep." She sobered. "I need to hear it, Angel."
Angel squared his shoulders and met her eyes. "I'm in love with Cordelia," he said quietly.
Buffy drooped a little. There was a long silence.
"Okay," she said, and abruptly turned, opening the front door.
"Buffy, no." Angel went after her and caught her arm. "Buffy, stop! It's not okay. It's pretty obviously not okay. I want to know what I can do. Tell me! All right? I'll do anything."
"Let go of my arm, for starters."
He instantly complied. Buffy faced him.
"Look. I'm … grateful for your honesty. I'm grateful that you told me. I just … can't deal with what it all means."
"Buffy, it's been three years. Why not?"
The Slayer took a deep breath. "Because I was supposed to be your big forever love!" she choked out.
Angel's mouth opened with astonishment at the confession and Buffy rushed on recklessly.
"I know that sounds horrible, and amazingly selfish, and all those other things I told myself I wasn't. But … even though it's wrong, there's this part of me that *wants* you to love me forever. So I had that much to keep, at least. Everything else in my life is so … temporary. It all changes, things get taken away from you, things hurt you." A strange expression crossed her face. "Or you make bad choices and your life gets unbelievably weird." She reached out and gently tugged at the lapel of his jacket. "But in the back of my mind, I always had you, you know? The one change that would never happen."
Something inside Angel hurt him deeply. "Buffy-"
"You don't have to say anything," she interrupted. "What I just said was incredibly unfair. And teenagery. And nasty." She smiled at him sadly. "And true."
Angel simply gazed at her, knowing compassion on his face.
"I *can* get over you. I-I have. I can even be happy for you. And believe it or not, I am. I think, if you ever get enough backbone to tell her, Cordelia would be good for you." She swallowed. "But you just took away my last little-girl-on-a-rainy-day dream, so there's a tiny part of me that can't … doesn't want to quite forgive you for it. Not yet."
She turned and headed for the stairs. At the bottom, she paused and turned back to him. They looked at each other sadly a for while, before she gave him a half-smile.
"But I will, Angel. I promise. Just give me time."
And she disappeared up the stairs.
Angel watched her go. "I have all the time in the world," he told the empty lobby miserably. He went outside and sat down on the front steps, staring into the darkness.
*Chapter Five Coming Soon…*
Angel cast a swift, shadowed glance across at Buffy. The walk home was taking longer than he remembered, and the gashes in his stomach, though rapidly closing, were actually stinging more than he wanted to admit. He looked ruefully at his dark green shirt. He had liked that shirt. Cordelia liked it too; she had been the one to insist he wear it when they were packing in the first place.
For a moment he wished Cordelia were beside him, then mentally cursed himself for an idiot. He looked over at Buffy again. You spent years loving this girl, he told himself. Doesn't matter that things are different now - you can walk down a street alone with her.
Then why did it all feel unbalanced?
For Buffy's part, she had a million questions running around in her mind. None of them were questions she particularly wanted to hear the answers to, but she knew herself well enough to know she'd ask them anyway.
Partway home, Xander and Cordelia had taken off somewhere together, Cordelia mumbling something about supplies and Xander offering to come along.
"As what?" asked Cordelia. "Protection? Ha!"
"Nope," Xander had replied, hefting the sword and waving it. "As bait. For the big ghastlies. I wanna see that light bulb trick again."
"Just keep being yourself, Xander. That oughta do it."
They had disappeared in the direction of town, sniping at each other with an easiness and warmth that made both Buffy and Angel smile. Now, with just the two of them left walking the street, the silence seemed somehow oppressive. Loaded. Both aware there were things to say, but neither willing to start.
Buffy breathed deep and decided a lead-in was in order. "So, lots of the weirdness in La La Land, huh?"
Angel instantly thought of Connor and a guilty sliver forced its way into his heart. But now was *not* the time. "Yeah," he admitted slowly. "Things have been extra-strange recently."
Buffy nodded. "There is one thing I was … kind of, I don't know, wondering about," she said cautiously. "I mean, it's totally none of my business, but I couldn't help…"
She trailed off, and Angel glanced over at her. "Couldn't help what?"
"Noticing … it's … well, Cordelia."
Angel stiffened. "What about her?" he asked carefully.
Buffy took a deep breath. "I don't really know how to ask this, but-"
"Then don't," Angel interrupted. "Don't ask. Don't say anything."
Buffy stopped dead and stared at him. "It's true," she breathed. "God…"
"She doesn't know!" said Angel desperately. "She doesn't know, okay? I've never ... I haven't ... it's all nothing, there's, there's … nothing." The truth of that hit him hard, and he sucked in a painful, unneeded breath.
Buffy shook her head sharply. "What I noticed wasn't a nothing. It was a something. A big-ass something." She started walking again, much faster.
Angel quickened his pace to keep up with her. "Buffy, look..."
"No, no, no looking," she said quickly. "I looked enough tonight. Much looking, and from thence followed the seeing."
Angel stopped. "Buffy!"
She kept walking.
"Buffy, it's not fair of you to act this way! I don't owe you anything!" he called after her, before closing his eyes. Dumbass. Well done. Great.
Buffy stopped too, and turned around, her eyes filled with pain. Finally, she said, "I know you don't. And that's what hurts the most, I think."
They looked at each other silently for a while, then resumed walking.
Finally, Buffy cleared her throat. "You should tell her."
"Don't," said Angel quickly.
"Well, you should! It's cowardly of you not to. What, are you just being all shady stalker-guy and watching her without her knowing it? She deserves to know, Angel."
"Let's not talk about this, okay?"
"Why not?" demanded Buffy. "We're supposed to be friends now, right? Friends tell each other stuff. Friends give advice. Friends tell their friends to date other frie- GOD! I just can't believe this, Angel! I'm sorry, I can't!"
Angel nodded. "Kinda why I didn't bring it up."
Buffy waved her arms around. "There's just way too much late-breaking news hitting me this evening, you know? I don't even know why I asked in the first place."
"Why did you?" asked Angel softly.
She looked over at him, and her eyes nearly broke his heart. "Because I had to know. I thought I was imagining it. I kinda hoped I was. But I had to know."
They had reached the veranda of the Summers house, and both hovered, unwilling to take the discussion into the house.
"It's not like I blame you," she said suddenly. She gently poked his chest. "Really. We both know how big that heart is. And let's face it, she's a hottie. Plus, hey, points for the biggest attitude adjustment of the century." She paused. "The millennium, maybe."
Amazingly, they both smiled at that. Buffy looked at her feet, then back up.
"I want to hear you say it."
The vampire stared at her. "That's just … you don't need…"
"You don't know what I need now," she told him heatedly. "I want to hear you say it. It's not real until you do." She smiled ruefully. "If you don't say it, a girl's got nothing to repeat to herself incredulously in the middle of the night when she can't sleep." She sobered. "I need to hear it, Angel."
Angel squared his shoulders and met her eyes. "I'm in love with Cordelia," he said quietly.
Buffy drooped a little. There was a long silence.
"Okay," she said, and abruptly turned, opening the front door.
"Buffy, no." Angel went after her and caught her arm. "Buffy, stop! It's not okay. It's pretty obviously not okay. I want to know what I can do. Tell me! All right? I'll do anything."
"Let go of my arm, for starters."
He instantly complied. Buffy faced him.
"Look. I'm … grateful for your honesty. I'm grateful that you told me. I just … can't deal with what it all means."
"Buffy, it's been three years. Why not?"
The Slayer took a deep breath. "Because I was supposed to be your big forever love!" she choked out.
Angel's mouth opened with astonishment at the confession and Buffy rushed on recklessly.
"I know that sounds horrible, and amazingly selfish, and all those other things I told myself I wasn't. But … even though it's wrong, there's this part of me that *wants* you to love me forever. So I had that much to keep, at least. Everything else in my life is so … temporary. It all changes, things get taken away from you, things hurt you." A strange expression crossed her face. "Or you make bad choices and your life gets unbelievably weird." She reached out and gently tugged at the lapel of his jacket. "But in the back of my mind, I always had you, you know? The one change that would never happen."
Something inside Angel hurt him deeply. "Buffy-"
"You don't have to say anything," she interrupted. "What I just said was incredibly unfair. And teenagery. And nasty." She smiled at him sadly. "And true."
Angel simply gazed at her, knowing compassion on his face.
"I *can* get over you. I-I have. I can even be happy for you. And believe it or not, I am. I think, if you ever get enough backbone to tell her, Cordelia would be good for you." She swallowed. "But you just took away my last little-girl-on-a-rainy-day dream, so there's a tiny part of me that can't … doesn't want to quite forgive you for it. Not yet."
She turned and headed for the stairs. At the bottom, she paused and turned back to him. They looked at each other sadly a for while, before she gave him a half-smile.
"But I will, Angel. I promise. Just give me time."
And she disappeared up the stairs.
Angel watched her go. "I have all the time in the world," he told the empty lobby miserably. He went outside and sat down on the front steps, staring into the darkness.
*Chapter Five Coming Soon…*