1.1.1 Chapter Five: Madness And Sweaty Palms
When Angel finally dragged himself down the basement stairs, he was met by the sight of Cordelia on a chair carefully closing the curtains of the high window along the back wall. He watched as she leant back and scanned her work, then went after a tiny chink, patting it closed. Though a smile did not touch his lips, he felt one inside. She was taking care of him again.
"Cordy?" he said out loud. "You guys beat us home?"
"Yeah, what'd you do? Take the Siberian route?"
Angel chose not to elaborate, instead asking, "What are you doing down here?"
"Oh," she said, indicating the open overnight bag on the sofa bed, "Dawn's room is a total wreck. And it has a funky kind of teenager-meets-incense smell."
Angel uncomfortably eyed the double sofa bed. The only bed in the room. "So you're, uh, going to stay here with me?"
"If you don't mind," she said, stepping off the chair. She grinned at him. "Well, obviously yes, whether you mind or not."
Angel indeed minded, but not for reasons he wanted to voice. The mere thought of her with him, so close … made something warm shoot up his spine. So instead he asked, "Is your shoulder okay?"
"Actually," she said, displaying it to him, "and weirdly, it's already starting to fade. Maybe I got me some demon healing mojo. Need me to take a look at your stomach?"
"What?" he asked dully, having forgotten the gashes completely. "Oh. Right. Um…" He pulled up his shirt and examined himself. "No, it should be okay. They're pretty much closing over."
"Well, you should drink something, okay? I went by Willy's, cause I noticed Buffy didn't have any supplies. You like lamb's blood, right? Oh, P.S: Xander? Acts like a baby man if you ask him to hold the stuff."
He didn't respond. She came over to him, noting his sagging shoulders.
"Okay, what's wrong?"
Angel merely stared gloomily at his feet.
Cordelia rolled her eyes knowingly. "I left you alone with Buffy. Surprise."
"We had a little … discussion," Angel muttered, finally looking up at her.
"About what?"
The vampire paused. "Uh … stuff. You know."
"Same old, same old," said Cordelia. "You know, for two extremely cool people, when you get together your shared IQ is like, twelve."
Angel dropped onto the sofa bed with a deep sigh. Cordelia sat down next to him and watched him silently. The utter dejection on his face made her hurt.
*Buffy*, she thought. *Always Buffy*. She didn't blame the girl one bit, because hello? - the vampire was a huge dork. Most likely he'd either said exactly the wrong thing or nothing at all when he should have said the right thing. But there was something else, something nagging at her. A funny tightening of her chest and a major case of the wiggins in her stomach. She took a moment to chase it down for identification. Once she had it cornered, she examined it carefully.
Oh. Okay.
Jealousy.
This was new.
One corner of her brain put a large stake through the wriggling feeling and the rest attempted to completely ignore it. It was quite simply explained away, she thought calmly. It was just because he never got like that over her. That's all.
This gave her sudden and sharp pause. What???
The words refused to go away, running about her head with scorched feet, taunting her.
He never gets like this over you.
So, why should I care?
You're jealous.
Am not.
Yep. Because you'll never be as important to him as Buffy is. You'll always come second.
Again, so?
Think about it, Cordy. Think really hard and you might come up with an answer.
Something slipped past the corner of her vision, like a shadow. Something warm, and terrifying.
Oh no, announced her subconscious abruptly. Nooo. Nope. No way. Goodbye to you, mister.
And Cordelia Chase promptly did what she did best, after talking: went into denial. It was a refined skill, honed over years of ignoring what she didn't want to deal with. So amazing were her powers that by the time she turned back to Angel, the stray thought was buried without even being acknowledged by her conscious mind.
"So you guys had a little nasty," she said brightly. "It'll pass."
Angel's head dipped a little lower.
"It doesn't have to be the end of everything, Mopemaster General," Cordelia added, irritated by his continuing silence. "All you have to do is go upstairs and talk it out with her. Start over."
Angel heard the words, but let them sink past him and drift away. *If you knew. It's not that easy this time.*
"It can be," Cordelia said quietly. The vampire's head snapped up in surprise, and she grinned at him. "I have magic powers, remember? Also, your self-recrimination? It has a repeating pattern. Next up is: 'Oh no, of course I can never make it right. I'd better go and sit in the dark for three weeks.' Course, I think Buffy'd kick you out after a few days."
Staring glumly at her, Angel didn't even bother to argue.
Cordelia let out an explosive, exasperated sound. "Ooo-kay, that's enough." She got to her feet. "Stand up, Angel."
"What?"
"I'm sick of these one-sided heart-to-hearts. Come on Gloom Boy, on your feet."
The vampire complied. Cordelia took both his hands in her own and turned him to face her. "Now. Repeat after me: I am a big loser."
Angel blanched. "Wait a minute…"
"*Angel*."
"Uh … I'm a big loser?"
Cordelia grinned wickedly. "Uh-huh. And I enjoy brooding."
Painfully, he said, "And I … enjoy brooding."
"I blame myself for everything."
"I blame myself for everything," Angel repeated, his voice a little stronger.
Cordelia leant in a fraction closer. "Even for things that aren't my fault."
"Even for things that aren't my fault."
The Seer's voice became gentler, her face serious. Her fingers tightened on his own. "From this moment on, I'll try to stop doing that."
"From…" Angel cleared his suddenly closed throat, and wondered why his eyelids felt suspiciously tingly. "From this moment on, I'll try to stop doing that."
Cordelia narrowed the gap between them a little further. "Because I'm sick of it."
Angel blinked. "You're sick of it?"
"No. Well, actually, yeah. But it's not about me."
"Because, uh, *I'm* sick of it?"
"Yeah. *You* have to be, Angel, or it's just a vicious circle that'll keep coming back to bite you in the ass all the time. I … don't want that for you."
Had Angel a beating heart, it would have quickened at that moment.
"Angel," she said softly, "I want you to be happy. As happy as you can be, anyway."
Angel was abruptly and intensely aware of her hands in his, of the warmth of her skin where it touched his own. It must have shown on his face, because Cordelia suddenly blinked and stepped back.
"Anyhoo," she said airily, running a hand through her hair, "that's enough with the wretched. I've done that much Counsellor Cordy tonight, I'm starting to annoy myself. Look at the time, it's nine-thirty. I gotta get fancy or we'll never get there." She tugged at her torn shirt with a sigh. "Figures that our friend Frank would know to go for the Calvin Klein."
"Well, wait," said Angel quickly. "Don't I get a turn?"
"To what? Tear my shirt off?" quipped Cordelia without thinking, before silently groaning at herself.
Angel froze for a second. "Uh … no," he said, his voice a little husky. "For the repeat after me thing."
"Got something you want to get off your chest?" asked Cordelia, curious.
"Well, it's only fair," said Angel, moving a little closer to her. "You got to lay it all out, why not me?"
"We have to be at the Bronze in half an hour, remember? You, unburdening? That could take two hundred years."
Despite himself, Angel grinned. "God, Cordy. You…"
She raised an eyebrow. "I what?"
"You … even when I feel like this, you always make me smile."
Cordelia paused, something nice sweeping through her. "Well," she said casually, "every good Seer can do it. Mandatory."
Angel's smile widened. "So, do I get a turn?"
She sighed dramatically and swept her arms wide. "If you strongly feel you must."
"Big musty feelings," confirmed Angel.
"Fire away."
Angel braced himself. "So. Repeat after me: "I'm stubborn."
Cordelia smiled proudly. "I *am* stubborn."
"I keep secrets."
The Seer paused, searching his face. "This is about the visions causing death thing, right? I heard what you said to me, y'know. I won't do it again. I promise."
Angel raised an eyebrow. "I keep secrets," he repeated patiently.
Cordelia sighed and relented. "I keep secrets."
"I don't always talk to Angel about the way I feel, even when I should."
"This from *you*?"
Angel frowned in mock-exasperation. "Cordy…"
"Okay, okay. I don't always talk to Angel about the way I feel, even when I should," she repeated dutifully.
He held out his hand for her to shake. "From now on, I'll come to him first when I have a problem." An offer.
Cordelia took his hand and gripped it firmly. "From now on, I'll come to him first when I have a problem." An acceptance.
"I'm gonna switch tenses now," Angel said, a hint of worry on his face. "Is that allowed?"
"Angel, sheesh! I don't think there are any rules."
"Okay, sorry," the flustered vampire apologised. *Here goes*. "You're the best friend that I've ever had."
A pleasant jolt in her stomach was not enough to temper Cordelia's scoffing face. She pointed to the ceiling. "Puh-lease, Angel. What about-"
The vampire stopped her with a raised hand. "Buffy and I weren't friends," he said simply.
Cordelia raised an eyebrow. "Do you often torture yourself Romeo-style for people who aren't your friends?"
"But that's the thing, Cordy. That's why it's all so weird, why tonight was so strange. We have trouble talking things out because we were never actual *friends*."
The puzzled look on his companion's face told him he would have to elaborate further. Taking a deep breath, he began.
"See, somebody pointed that out to me a long time ago. It took me a while, but I realised they were right. Our relationship was different, it was … layered in all these ways that were wrong for us. I did love her. I still do and always will, but not like it was before. I only want good things for her. If I could shoulder some of her burdens, help give her a normal life, I would. But she's not what I need for *me*, not any more."
Cordelia was startled into silence at the disclosure.
"Something as simple and … untroubled as friendship could never have come out of what we had," Angel continued, warming up now. "It was too hard. I ended up learning the value of a real friend from somebody else. You. For … for the first time in my life. And I know I should have said all this to you a long time ago, but ... thank you."
This was an extraordinarily long speech for the taciturn vampire to make, and its after-effects were different for both of them. Angel felt cleansed, unburdened, if only for a single moment. He had finally been able to articulate something he had felt for what seemed an age, but had been impossible to clearly define: Cordelia's role in his life. Not just the way her presence brightened him, lifted him, but the way she had also been his best friend and teacher without knowing it.
As for Cordelia, his words sent her somewhere into the outer stratosphere. *He really does need me.* She hadn't known it was possible to feel this light - to feel like weakness and uncertainty were rushing from her deepest places, released forever. *I'm important to him. I matter to him. He needs me.*
Angel inclined his head a fraction to catch her eyes. With an lightness he did not feel, he asked, "So … what happened to 'repeat after me'?"
Cordelia laughed, still buzzing inside. "The whole thing? Sorry, my inner demon apparently didn't come equipped with instant recall-o-speech."
"The highlights will do," countered Angel, smiling.
*It's true,* the Seer thought, a warming glow settling throughout her, starting in her chest. *Go figure. A lifetime of money and the right shoes, and my best friend is a 250 year old bloodsucker with a black ensemble fetish. And I do love him more than anybody I know. He's Angel. He's kinda everything I have right now. And he's … looking at me like I've gone mute. If he thinks I'm actually gonna tell him…*
The difference between thought and actual speech was timed at mach-4 and calculated to be too sentimental for even the new Cordelia to handle. Despite her good intentions, her cheeks still stained with a light bloom as she swatted his arm gently.
"You know you're the best friend I ever had, too." For good measure she added, "Dumbass."
The uncharacteristic shyness in her voice made Angel smile more.
"What?" she asked, recovering herself.
"Nothing," he said. "It's just … really? I'm your best friend?"
"Duh, Angel. See anybody vying for your slot? No."
"Wow. I don't think I've ever been anybody's best friend before."
The beaming smile on the vampire's face touched Cordelia far more than she was willing to let on. "If you don't quit the Little Miss Grade School act, you won't be mine, either. Can we get back to the compliments, please?"
"Sure." Angel moved a little closer to her. "Ah … okay. You surprise me every day."
"You surprise me every day," she echoed, smiling.
"I've never met a single soul like you before."
Cordelia bit her lip as her heart gave a quick, strange little beat. *Ah, hell. Not again. Where is this coming from? Go away. He's working some dark vampire mojo on me, or something. Bet he doesn't even realise the way he's looking at me.*
"Smooth, mister. But … I've never met anybody like you before, either. Well, obviously."
Angel closed the distance between them, never taking his eyes from her face. *Buffy's right. You're a coward. Do it. Tell her. Tell her now. Say it.*
He cleared his throat. "There's just one more thing."
"There's just one more th- waitasec. One? I don't rate more praise than that?"
"That wasn't part of the game," explained Angel quickly.
"There better be more!"
"A lot more, but only one's really important right now. You ready?"
She grinned at him. "Witness me *not* turning down free admiration."
Angel took a deep breath. *Powers, help me*. "I love you."
"I lo-" Cordelia began automatically. Then her breath caught in her throat. "Uh, what?"
The vampire swallowed. He attempted a smile that came out more of a frozen grimace. "Cordy, I know this is probably the wrong place and time to tell you, but … I'm in love with you."
Had she been able to see her own face at that moment, Cordelia would have been shocked at the expression on it. Her mouth dropped open. Her eyes widened. The colour drained from her cheeks, to be replaced by a furiously rising tide of crimson that claimed her like fire. His words reverberated right to her heels, and she wondered only that the floor wasn't giving way beneath her.
"Cordy?" Angel was in a fever of dread now, eyes bright and dead lungs sucking in air he didn't need. She was staring at him with what his frantic brain could only decipher as … fear? Disgust? Horror? *She hates me. Oh God, I shouldn't have done that … stupid, stupid…*
For her part, Cordelia was having trouble forming words. *Too much. Too quickly. Can't think.*
"I can't … I don't know … Angel, I -"
"Cordy." He took her hands in his and pressed them to his chest. "Do you feel this?"
Cordelia blinked. "No."
"But you would." He met her eyes. "If I had a beating heart … Cordy, it'd be breaking my ribs."
Cordelia stepped backward, shaking her head slightly. Her hands dropped from Angel's, and he noted with mild panic that her knuckles were white.
"I think," she said quickly, avoiding his eyes, "that I've got a lot of new information in a really short time."
"Cordy-"
"And who knew?" she continued desperately, cutting him off. She began backing for the steps. "I've got a lot to process all of a sudden, and I'm thinking I might need to go somewhere else to do it, y'know? A somewhere that isn't here, and maybe, maybe by myself, 'cause with the best friends thing, which is new, well, not new in the sense that I never thought about it before, 'cause obviously I did, I had, and it's good that we talked about it, but also with the I love you thing, which is *definitely* new and maybe, that's, it's, I mean, you're not usually the talker in this relationship … not that there's a relationship yet, not in the Biblical sense, but then even if there was we'd have to keep the Bible out of it wouldn't we, 'cause that'd probably set you on fire if I even opened it near you, right-"
"Yet?" interrupted Angel, his face ablaze with hope. *She said yet*.
"What?"
"You said 'yet'." *She said yet!*
"I did?"
"You said, 'not that's there a relationship *yet*.' I heard you."
Like a deer in the headlights, Cordelia gaped at him. "Dear God, Angel," she managed finally. "*That's* the word you fixate on?"
Angel fidgeted. "Well, it's a pretty big word, given the connotations."
"No, *connotations* is a big word!" said Cordelia wildly. "*Yet* is a small word, very small, titchy in fact, it doesn't have to mean anything and why am I even continuing this conversation when I have an elsewhere to be?"
"Cordy, stop. Please. Let me-"
Cordelia shook off his hand, desperately. "Angel, I can't *talk* about this right now!"
The vampire's chest was nearly caving in with anguish. *She does hate me. What have I done?* But he asked anyway, dreading her answer. "Why not?"
"Because it's not fair!" Her eyes flashed with anger, strain and a hint of terror. "It's not fair of you to lay that on me without any warning! You don't know anything about the way I feel! You've had all this time to think about it, and I…"
Angel reached for her again. "Cordy, I know there's a lot at stake-"
"Damn right!" she snapped. "Did you think about the repercussions, Angel? You know we're not allowed to be happy! There's always some cosmic force that screws things up for us. Like some little guy sitting in a dark room somewhere, writing our lives for us. 'Oh, they look too shiny this week, I'd better mess 'em up.'"
Angel blinked, confused. She had started to glow dully, a white aura creeping around the edges of her skin. "What-"
"Have you even thought about the curse?" she continued relentlessly. "Has it crossed your mind for a second?"
Angel's face darkened. "Of *course* I have," he growled softly. "How could I go a day, an *hour*, without thinking about it?"
"So what happened?" she asked, her face heating, the aura glowing brighter. "Did she turn you down? Did you just tell her the same thing and she blew you off? Is that why you're doing this?"
"NO!" Angel exploded, horrified. "No! God, is that what you think? Cordy, no! I just … realised that … there'll never be a good time. There never is, there's always something in the way, so you just have to take a chance. Cordy, I'm so in love with you that sometimes I can't even speak!" He broke off, scanning her face. "I had to tell you. Now. I *had* to."
Cordelia's chest constricted. The abject honesty on the vampire's face was battering down the last of her defences.
"We can't," she said flatly. "Okay? It just can't be as simple as you saying 'I love you' and hoping for the best. And here! Of all places and all times, it had to be *here*?"
"Why not?" roared Angel, suddenly desperate. "Dammit, Cordy, don't you think we deserve … god, I don't know, *something*?"
Cordelia shook her head angrily. "Well, your something and my something appear to be different somethings, okay?"
"What are you saying?"
The Seer paused, gazing at him. He looked so lost that it hurt her heart. "I'm … not saying I don't … feel something for you, Angel."
The vampire suddenly burned with hope. "You're not?"
She quietened for a second. "No. I'm not saying that. Because … I do. But I don't know what it is. And even if I did, there's too much about this that doesn't add up to sunshine and ice-cream, all right?"
"Cordy-"
"Stop."
"But, Cordy-"
"*Stop!*" she yelled furiously, and the glow around her flared brilliantly, then winked out. "Not here, Angel. Not now. Okay? I need time."
At that moment, Xander clattered down the basement steps. "Hey guys, Will called and said if you're all banged up you don't have to-" He broke off, took in both their faces – Angel's pale, Cordelia's fury - and the palpable tension in the room. "Oh. Sorry."
"It's okay, Xander," said Cordelia, never taking her eyes off Angel. "I was just leaving."
Angel took a broken step forward. "Cordy, wait. Please wait."
Cordelia gathered her bag from the bed and stalked toward the stairs. "I told you what I need," she said flatly. She pushed past the embarrassed Xander. And then she was gone.
Continued…
When Angel finally dragged himself down the basement stairs, he was met by the sight of Cordelia on a chair carefully closing the curtains of the high window along the back wall. He watched as she leant back and scanned her work, then went after a tiny chink, patting it closed. Though a smile did not touch his lips, he felt one inside. She was taking care of him again.
"Cordy?" he said out loud. "You guys beat us home?"
"Yeah, what'd you do? Take the Siberian route?"
Angel chose not to elaborate, instead asking, "What are you doing down here?"
"Oh," she said, indicating the open overnight bag on the sofa bed, "Dawn's room is a total wreck. And it has a funky kind of teenager-meets-incense smell."
Angel uncomfortably eyed the double sofa bed. The only bed in the room. "So you're, uh, going to stay here with me?"
"If you don't mind," she said, stepping off the chair. She grinned at him. "Well, obviously yes, whether you mind or not."
Angel indeed minded, but not for reasons he wanted to voice. The mere thought of her with him, so close … made something warm shoot up his spine. So instead he asked, "Is your shoulder okay?"
"Actually," she said, displaying it to him, "and weirdly, it's already starting to fade. Maybe I got me some demon healing mojo. Need me to take a look at your stomach?"
"What?" he asked dully, having forgotten the gashes completely. "Oh. Right. Um…" He pulled up his shirt and examined himself. "No, it should be okay. They're pretty much closing over."
"Well, you should drink something, okay? I went by Willy's, cause I noticed Buffy didn't have any supplies. You like lamb's blood, right? Oh, P.S: Xander? Acts like a baby man if you ask him to hold the stuff."
He didn't respond. She came over to him, noting his sagging shoulders.
"Okay, what's wrong?"
Angel merely stared gloomily at his feet.
Cordelia rolled her eyes knowingly. "I left you alone with Buffy. Surprise."
"We had a little … discussion," Angel muttered, finally looking up at her.
"About what?"
The vampire paused. "Uh … stuff. You know."
"Same old, same old," said Cordelia. "You know, for two extremely cool people, when you get together your shared IQ is like, twelve."
Angel dropped onto the sofa bed with a deep sigh. Cordelia sat down next to him and watched him silently. The utter dejection on his face made her hurt.
*Buffy*, she thought. *Always Buffy*. She didn't blame the girl one bit, because hello? - the vampire was a huge dork. Most likely he'd either said exactly the wrong thing or nothing at all when he should have said the right thing. But there was something else, something nagging at her. A funny tightening of her chest and a major case of the wiggins in her stomach. She took a moment to chase it down for identification. Once she had it cornered, she examined it carefully.
Oh. Okay.
Jealousy.
This was new.
One corner of her brain put a large stake through the wriggling feeling and the rest attempted to completely ignore it. It was quite simply explained away, she thought calmly. It was just because he never got like that over her. That's all.
This gave her sudden and sharp pause. What???
The words refused to go away, running about her head with scorched feet, taunting her.
He never gets like this over you.
So, why should I care?
You're jealous.
Am not.
Yep. Because you'll never be as important to him as Buffy is. You'll always come second.
Again, so?
Think about it, Cordy. Think really hard and you might come up with an answer.
Something slipped past the corner of her vision, like a shadow. Something warm, and terrifying.
Oh no, announced her subconscious abruptly. Nooo. Nope. No way. Goodbye to you, mister.
And Cordelia Chase promptly did what she did best, after talking: went into denial. It was a refined skill, honed over years of ignoring what she didn't want to deal with. So amazing were her powers that by the time she turned back to Angel, the stray thought was buried without even being acknowledged by her conscious mind.
"So you guys had a little nasty," she said brightly. "It'll pass."
Angel's head dipped a little lower.
"It doesn't have to be the end of everything, Mopemaster General," Cordelia added, irritated by his continuing silence. "All you have to do is go upstairs and talk it out with her. Start over."
Angel heard the words, but let them sink past him and drift away. *If you knew. It's not that easy this time.*
"It can be," Cordelia said quietly. The vampire's head snapped up in surprise, and she grinned at him. "I have magic powers, remember? Also, your self-recrimination? It has a repeating pattern. Next up is: 'Oh no, of course I can never make it right. I'd better go and sit in the dark for three weeks.' Course, I think Buffy'd kick you out after a few days."
Staring glumly at her, Angel didn't even bother to argue.
Cordelia let out an explosive, exasperated sound. "Ooo-kay, that's enough." She got to her feet. "Stand up, Angel."
"What?"
"I'm sick of these one-sided heart-to-hearts. Come on Gloom Boy, on your feet."
The vampire complied. Cordelia took both his hands in her own and turned him to face her. "Now. Repeat after me: I am a big loser."
Angel blanched. "Wait a minute…"
"*Angel*."
"Uh … I'm a big loser?"
Cordelia grinned wickedly. "Uh-huh. And I enjoy brooding."
Painfully, he said, "And I … enjoy brooding."
"I blame myself for everything."
"I blame myself for everything," Angel repeated, his voice a little stronger.
Cordelia leant in a fraction closer. "Even for things that aren't my fault."
"Even for things that aren't my fault."
The Seer's voice became gentler, her face serious. Her fingers tightened on his own. "From this moment on, I'll try to stop doing that."
"From…" Angel cleared his suddenly closed throat, and wondered why his eyelids felt suspiciously tingly. "From this moment on, I'll try to stop doing that."
Cordelia narrowed the gap between them a little further. "Because I'm sick of it."
Angel blinked. "You're sick of it?"
"No. Well, actually, yeah. But it's not about me."
"Because, uh, *I'm* sick of it?"
"Yeah. *You* have to be, Angel, or it's just a vicious circle that'll keep coming back to bite you in the ass all the time. I … don't want that for you."
Had Angel a beating heart, it would have quickened at that moment.
"Angel," she said softly, "I want you to be happy. As happy as you can be, anyway."
Angel was abruptly and intensely aware of her hands in his, of the warmth of her skin where it touched his own. It must have shown on his face, because Cordelia suddenly blinked and stepped back.
"Anyhoo," she said airily, running a hand through her hair, "that's enough with the wretched. I've done that much Counsellor Cordy tonight, I'm starting to annoy myself. Look at the time, it's nine-thirty. I gotta get fancy or we'll never get there." She tugged at her torn shirt with a sigh. "Figures that our friend Frank would know to go for the Calvin Klein."
"Well, wait," said Angel quickly. "Don't I get a turn?"
"To what? Tear my shirt off?" quipped Cordelia without thinking, before silently groaning at herself.
Angel froze for a second. "Uh … no," he said, his voice a little husky. "For the repeat after me thing."
"Got something you want to get off your chest?" asked Cordelia, curious.
"Well, it's only fair," said Angel, moving a little closer to her. "You got to lay it all out, why not me?"
"We have to be at the Bronze in half an hour, remember? You, unburdening? That could take two hundred years."
Despite himself, Angel grinned. "God, Cordy. You…"
She raised an eyebrow. "I what?"
"You … even when I feel like this, you always make me smile."
Cordelia paused, something nice sweeping through her. "Well," she said casually, "every good Seer can do it. Mandatory."
Angel's smile widened. "So, do I get a turn?"
She sighed dramatically and swept her arms wide. "If you strongly feel you must."
"Big musty feelings," confirmed Angel.
"Fire away."
Angel braced himself. "So. Repeat after me: "I'm stubborn."
Cordelia smiled proudly. "I *am* stubborn."
"I keep secrets."
The Seer paused, searching his face. "This is about the visions causing death thing, right? I heard what you said to me, y'know. I won't do it again. I promise."
Angel raised an eyebrow. "I keep secrets," he repeated patiently.
Cordelia sighed and relented. "I keep secrets."
"I don't always talk to Angel about the way I feel, even when I should."
"This from *you*?"
Angel frowned in mock-exasperation. "Cordy…"
"Okay, okay. I don't always talk to Angel about the way I feel, even when I should," she repeated dutifully.
He held out his hand for her to shake. "From now on, I'll come to him first when I have a problem." An offer.
Cordelia took his hand and gripped it firmly. "From now on, I'll come to him first when I have a problem." An acceptance.
"I'm gonna switch tenses now," Angel said, a hint of worry on his face. "Is that allowed?"
"Angel, sheesh! I don't think there are any rules."
"Okay, sorry," the flustered vampire apologised. *Here goes*. "You're the best friend that I've ever had."
A pleasant jolt in her stomach was not enough to temper Cordelia's scoffing face. She pointed to the ceiling. "Puh-lease, Angel. What about-"
The vampire stopped her with a raised hand. "Buffy and I weren't friends," he said simply.
Cordelia raised an eyebrow. "Do you often torture yourself Romeo-style for people who aren't your friends?"
"But that's the thing, Cordy. That's why it's all so weird, why tonight was so strange. We have trouble talking things out because we were never actual *friends*."
The puzzled look on his companion's face told him he would have to elaborate further. Taking a deep breath, he began.
"See, somebody pointed that out to me a long time ago. It took me a while, but I realised they were right. Our relationship was different, it was … layered in all these ways that were wrong for us. I did love her. I still do and always will, but not like it was before. I only want good things for her. If I could shoulder some of her burdens, help give her a normal life, I would. But she's not what I need for *me*, not any more."
Cordelia was startled into silence at the disclosure.
"Something as simple and … untroubled as friendship could never have come out of what we had," Angel continued, warming up now. "It was too hard. I ended up learning the value of a real friend from somebody else. You. For … for the first time in my life. And I know I should have said all this to you a long time ago, but ... thank you."
This was an extraordinarily long speech for the taciturn vampire to make, and its after-effects were different for both of them. Angel felt cleansed, unburdened, if only for a single moment. He had finally been able to articulate something he had felt for what seemed an age, but had been impossible to clearly define: Cordelia's role in his life. Not just the way her presence brightened him, lifted him, but the way she had also been his best friend and teacher without knowing it.
As for Cordelia, his words sent her somewhere into the outer stratosphere. *He really does need me.* She hadn't known it was possible to feel this light - to feel like weakness and uncertainty were rushing from her deepest places, released forever. *I'm important to him. I matter to him. He needs me.*
Angel inclined his head a fraction to catch her eyes. With an lightness he did not feel, he asked, "So … what happened to 'repeat after me'?"
Cordelia laughed, still buzzing inside. "The whole thing? Sorry, my inner demon apparently didn't come equipped with instant recall-o-speech."
"The highlights will do," countered Angel, smiling.
*It's true,* the Seer thought, a warming glow settling throughout her, starting in her chest. *Go figure. A lifetime of money and the right shoes, and my best friend is a 250 year old bloodsucker with a black ensemble fetish. And I do love him more than anybody I know. He's Angel. He's kinda everything I have right now. And he's … looking at me like I've gone mute. If he thinks I'm actually gonna tell him…*
The difference between thought and actual speech was timed at mach-4 and calculated to be too sentimental for even the new Cordelia to handle. Despite her good intentions, her cheeks still stained with a light bloom as she swatted his arm gently.
"You know you're the best friend I ever had, too." For good measure she added, "Dumbass."
The uncharacteristic shyness in her voice made Angel smile more.
"What?" she asked, recovering herself.
"Nothing," he said. "It's just … really? I'm your best friend?"
"Duh, Angel. See anybody vying for your slot? No."
"Wow. I don't think I've ever been anybody's best friend before."
The beaming smile on the vampire's face touched Cordelia far more than she was willing to let on. "If you don't quit the Little Miss Grade School act, you won't be mine, either. Can we get back to the compliments, please?"
"Sure." Angel moved a little closer to her. "Ah … okay. You surprise me every day."
"You surprise me every day," she echoed, smiling.
"I've never met a single soul like you before."
Cordelia bit her lip as her heart gave a quick, strange little beat. *Ah, hell. Not again. Where is this coming from? Go away. He's working some dark vampire mojo on me, or something. Bet he doesn't even realise the way he's looking at me.*
"Smooth, mister. But … I've never met anybody like you before, either. Well, obviously."
Angel closed the distance between them, never taking his eyes from her face. *Buffy's right. You're a coward. Do it. Tell her. Tell her now. Say it.*
He cleared his throat. "There's just one more thing."
"There's just one more th- waitasec. One? I don't rate more praise than that?"
"That wasn't part of the game," explained Angel quickly.
"There better be more!"
"A lot more, but only one's really important right now. You ready?"
She grinned at him. "Witness me *not* turning down free admiration."
Angel took a deep breath. *Powers, help me*. "I love you."
"I lo-" Cordelia began automatically. Then her breath caught in her throat. "Uh, what?"
The vampire swallowed. He attempted a smile that came out more of a frozen grimace. "Cordy, I know this is probably the wrong place and time to tell you, but … I'm in love with you."
Had she been able to see her own face at that moment, Cordelia would have been shocked at the expression on it. Her mouth dropped open. Her eyes widened. The colour drained from her cheeks, to be replaced by a furiously rising tide of crimson that claimed her like fire. His words reverberated right to her heels, and she wondered only that the floor wasn't giving way beneath her.
"Cordy?" Angel was in a fever of dread now, eyes bright and dead lungs sucking in air he didn't need. She was staring at him with what his frantic brain could only decipher as … fear? Disgust? Horror? *She hates me. Oh God, I shouldn't have done that … stupid, stupid…*
For her part, Cordelia was having trouble forming words. *Too much. Too quickly. Can't think.*
"I can't … I don't know … Angel, I -"
"Cordy." He took her hands in his and pressed them to his chest. "Do you feel this?"
Cordelia blinked. "No."
"But you would." He met her eyes. "If I had a beating heart … Cordy, it'd be breaking my ribs."
Cordelia stepped backward, shaking her head slightly. Her hands dropped from Angel's, and he noted with mild panic that her knuckles were white.
"I think," she said quickly, avoiding his eyes, "that I've got a lot of new information in a really short time."
"Cordy-"
"And who knew?" she continued desperately, cutting him off. She began backing for the steps. "I've got a lot to process all of a sudden, and I'm thinking I might need to go somewhere else to do it, y'know? A somewhere that isn't here, and maybe, maybe by myself, 'cause with the best friends thing, which is new, well, not new in the sense that I never thought about it before, 'cause obviously I did, I had, and it's good that we talked about it, but also with the I love you thing, which is *definitely* new and maybe, that's, it's, I mean, you're not usually the talker in this relationship … not that there's a relationship yet, not in the Biblical sense, but then even if there was we'd have to keep the Bible out of it wouldn't we, 'cause that'd probably set you on fire if I even opened it near you, right-"
"Yet?" interrupted Angel, his face ablaze with hope. *She said yet*.
"What?"
"You said 'yet'." *She said yet!*
"I did?"
"You said, 'not that's there a relationship *yet*.' I heard you."
Like a deer in the headlights, Cordelia gaped at him. "Dear God, Angel," she managed finally. "*That's* the word you fixate on?"
Angel fidgeted. "Well, it's a pretty big word, given the connotations."
"No, *connotations* is a big word!" said Cordelia wildly. "*Yet* is a small word, very small, titchy in fact, it doesn't have to mean anything and why am I even continuing this conversation when I have an elsewhere to be?"
"Cordy, stop. Please. Let me-"
Cordelia shook off his hand, desperately. "Angel, I can't *talk* about this right now!"
The vampire's chest was nearly caving in with anguish. *She does hate me. What have I done?* But he asked anyway, dreading her answer. "Why not?"
"Because it's not fair!" Her eyes flashed with anger, strain and a hint of terror. "It's not fair of you to lay that on me without any warning! You don't know anything about the way I feel! You've had all this time to think about it, and I…"
Angel reached for her again. "Cordy, I know there's a lot at stake-"
"Damn right!" she snapped. "Did you think about the repercussions, Angel? You know we're not allowed to be happy! There's always some cosmic force that screws things up for us. Like some little guy sitting in a dark room somewhere, writing our lives for us. 'Oh, they look too shiny this week, I'd better mess 'em up.'"
Angel blinked, confused. She had started to glow dully, a white aura creeping around the edges of her skin. "What-"
"Have you even thought about the curse?" she continued relentlessly. "Has it crossed your mind for a second?"
Angel's face darkened. "Of *course* I have," he growled softly. "How could I go a day, an *hour*, without thinking about it?"
"So what happened?" she asked, her face heating, the aura glowing brighter. "Did she turn you down? Did you just tell her the same thing and she blew you off? Is that why you're doing this?"
"NO!" Angel exploded, horrified. "No! God, is that what you think? Cordy, no! I just … realised that … there'll never be a good time. There never is, there's always something in the way, so you just have to take a chance. Cordy, I'm so in love with you that sometimes I can't even speak!" He broke off, scanning her face. "I had to tell you. Now. I *had* to."
Cordelia's chest constricted. The abject honesty on the vampire's face was battering down the last of her defences.
"We can't," she said flatly. "Okay? It just can't be as simple as you saying 'I love you' and hoping for the best. And here! Of all places and all times, it had to be *here*?"
"Why not?" roared Angel, suddenly desperate. "Dammit, Cordy, don't you think we deserve … god, I don't know, *something*?"
Cordelia shook her head angrily. "Well, your something and my something appear to be different somethings, okay?"
"What are you saying?"
The Seer paused, gazing at him. He looked so lost that it hurt her heart. "I'm … not saying I don't … feel something for you, Angel."
The vampire suddenly burned with hope. "You're not?"
She quietened for a second. "No. I'm not saying that. Because … I do. But I don't know what it is. And even if I did, there's too much about this that doesn't add up to sunshine and ice-cream, all right?"
"Cordy-"
"Stop."
"But, Cordy-"
"*Stop!*" she yelled furiously, and the glow around her flared brilliantly, then winked out. "Not here, Angel. Not now. Okay? I need time."
At that moment, Xander clattered down the basement steps. "Hey guys, Will called and said if you're all banged up you don't have to-" He broke off, took in both their faces – Angel's pale, Cordelia's fury - and the palpable tension in the room. "Oh. Sorry."
"It's okay, Xander," said Cordelia, never taking her eyes off Angel. "I was just leaving."
Angel took a broken step forward. "Cordy, wait. Please wait."
Cordelia gathered her bag from the bed and stalked toward the stairs. "I told you what I need," she said flatly. She pushed past the embarrassed Xander. And then she was gone.
Continued…