If You Give a Seishi a Condom…
Chapter One: The Suzaku Seishi's Discovery
By a hyperactive Kaen (with the assistance in planning of -Sama)
Mwahaha! I'm so hyper right now! Now, you get to suffer from my insomnia. Just so you know, this is really cracked up and I wouldn't recommend it for anyone under fifteen, so please don't flame me saying that it's inappropriate. This story idea was actually first charted nearly two months ago, but the idea just suddenly resurfaced and I thought it would be a fun humor fic to write. Keep in mind that this has no time setting in the series. *snickers* Enjoy!
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The Suzaku Seishi sat collectively around an elaborate table, located somewhere in the Hotohori's huge imperial palace. The team meeting was conspicuously absent of the priestess, whom had long since been dubbed too idiotic to participate in the tactics meeting. The seven seishi sat sternly, contemplating yet another problem with Kutou when suddenly a brilliant red light began to shine from the ceiling directly above the table. They gasped as some stood abruptly, causing their chairs to fall over while attempting to see what sacred relic Suzaku had provided them in their aid. But, it was most unexpected when a small, circular object popped unceremoniously from the red void and landed with a soft 'thwap' on the finely polished surface. The seishi all gasped again in surprise, leaning over the table to catch a better glimpse of the foreign object.
Finally, the silence was broken as Tasuki asked what was on everyone's mind: "So, what the hell is it?"
"It's a gift from Suzaku and it appears to be a round… thing," explained Chiriko to the best of his abilities. In all his thirteen years, he'd never seen anything like it.
Chichiri 'da'd' as he reached over for his staff and pulled it away from the wall that it had been resting against. He lifted it up and used the bottom of the staff to poke the object curiously. Astounded by the thing's resistance to movement along the surface of the table, Chichiri removed the staff and looked at the faces of his fellow seishi, who were staring intensely at him with questioning eyes. Giving a small nod with a solemn expression etched on his masked face, the silence that had previously enveloped the room shattered as all they all fought to get closed to the mysterious object. Pushing and shoving, Tamahome, Mitsukake, and Hotohori emerged in the first row next to Chichiri where they all just stopped and stared blankly.
"I've never seen anything like it!" exclaimed Mitsukake, in his usual dazed stupor, "What do you think Suzaku meant by giving us such a strange tool?"
"Maybe it's magical or something…?" inquired Tamahome, equally unsure.
"What is it, Tama-chan?" asked Nuriko, since he was shorter and had gotten forced behind his taller counterparts.
"We don't know, Nuriko," Hotohori stated, his eyes still fixated on the tan-colored object lying in the middle of the table, completely oblivious to Chiriko's hopping in attempt to elevate himself to a seeing-point above the tall other seishi.
"Outta the way! I wanna see this thing, whatever it is!" declared Tasuki as he whacked Tamahome over the head with the tessen in order to have him move out of his way. Taking what had been Tamahome's place at the table, he continued to do the exact same thing as the seishi before him, which was staring at the object blankly.
"T-Tasuki… Since you're already so close, why don't you pick it up?" suggested Hotohori, who was still oblivious to Chiriko's antics.
"No way in hell you're getting me to touch that! What if it's dangerous or something? It could be a weapon, you know!" blurted Tasuki, panic causing his amber eyes to widen. Chichiri furrowed his brow in thought, and then a very un-monk-like idea crossed his mind. Grinning slyly beneath his mask, he reached over and took hold of Tasuki's closest hand. Holding it in a 'more-than-friends' fashion, he looked directly into Tasuki's eyes and asked, "You know when you said you don't like women, right? So does that mean that you like men?"
Tasuki's eyes bugged to a previously recorded size as he let out a terrified scream, snatched his hand away from Chichiri's, and jumped back. Using this offset in Tasuki's balance to his advantage, Chichiri SD-ed and pounced on Tasuki's back, causing him to practically fall on the table, his hand landing directly on the foreign treasure. Perching his still SD form on Tasuki's back/shoulders, Chichiri looked cautiously over Tasuki's shoulder. Tasuki fumbled with the thing before rapidly straightening back up in shock, sending the SD Chichiri flying onto Nuriko's strong arms.
"It feels funny!" he announced to an attentive audience before reaching back over and picking up the small object for closer observation, forgetting his previous tantrum. Chichiri grinned a most un-Chichiri-like victory grin that was noticed by only Nuriko. Holding him up by the his bubble-wrap*, Nuriko whispered, "Remind me to never make you my enemy." Chichiri flashed the peace sign in acknowledgement before Nuriko dropped him on the floor where he returned to his normal size and took his place amongst congregation.
"And it's… stretchy." continued Tasuki as he stretched it between his two thumbs and forefingers. "And I don't know what it's made-"
Before Tasuki could complete his sentence, the thing flew off and hit him directly in the eye, at which he yelped and jumped. After howling in pain for several seconds, Tasuki screamed, "SEE?! I TOLD YOU THAT THING WAS A WEAPON! IT HU-URTS!"
Being too shocked by the objects sudden retaliation, the only person who actually saw where the object flew off to was Nuriko, whom taken refuge behind Mitsukake. As the others crowded around the injured Tasuki, Nuriko sighed and walked over to the other side of the room where he knelt down and picked the thing up, being especially careful to avoid stretching it at all. Studying it intently and turning it over in his small hands, realization suddenly and unexpectedly dawned on Nuriko. Crying out in disgust, he hurled the newly identified thing away from him. Unfortunately, Nuriko hadn't taken his own strength into consideration with the disposal of the item and it rebounded off the far wall where it flew directly at Hotohori's forehead. Hotohori could only watch in horror as the sailed at him with sickening speed and struck him square between the eyes with a defined "whap."
Blinking in confusion, he brought a hand up to assess his face where he detected the beginning of an oval-shaped welt. Gasping melodramatically, he cried out, "Our beautiful face has been marred; mangled beyond recognition!" Letting out an anguished moan, Hotohori put the back of his hand to his forehead and promptly passed out.
"Hotohori-sama!" Nuriko screamed as he ran over to cradle his fallen emperor, "I'm so sorry. Please forgive me…. My beautiful emperor, I'm so sorry…" With this, Nuriko began to weep while stroking Hotohori's long' silky hair, although probably more for his own emotional support than Hotohori's. Mitsukake, for lack of better things to do, began to weep with Nuriko for Hotohori's now imperfect face, once again completely forgetting the fact that he could easily heal the welt. Tamahome watched the scene in shock as he became infuriated with the item that was supposed to help them and he could feel his chi flaring up uncontrollably. Turning into the Psychotic Blue Super-Saiyan of Doom, he reached down and grasped the intrusive object, his movements stiff as a bored.
"You have hurt my friends. You will pay for that…" he growled menacingly, his eyes narrowed to tiny slits as pinched the offender tightly between his thumb and forefinger. Tossing it into the air with the intent of punching it on its way down, Tamahome swung and completely missed. Glancing around to make sure that no one saw his blunder, he picked up the object and tossed it again. And missed. And tossed, and missed again. After several tries, Tamahome just closed his pink eyes and began to blindly swing in the general direction of the object, unbeknownst to him that the thing was merely laying on the floor and that he was advancing closer and closer to Chichiri. Chichiri, who had been aiding Tasuki, looked up just in time to dodge one of Tamahome's flailing punches but could barely squeak out "Wait! Tama-" before a blow hit right in the chest and Chichiri when careening into the wall, leaving a "Chichiri Imprint," complete with poofy bangs. Tamahome had opened his eyes just in time to see Chichiri crash into the wall at which point he snapped out of his moment of Suzaku's "Blessing" and fell to his knees.
"Oh, Suzaku! What have I done? Chichiri, my brother, can you forgive me? Oh, please, Chichiri!" Tamahome wailed, tears swelling up in his eyes and making his over applied mascara run. **
"Daaaaaaa?"
With this, Chichiri finally-unstuck from the wall and fell flat on his face. Tamahome bounded over to scoop up his brother warrior, but unfortunately, the emotional scene was disrupted as the animators decide to make the it "dramatic" and had Tamahome in slow motion, screaming the classic: "NOOOOOOOOOOOO- {takes breath} -OOOOOOO!!!"
"Chichiri, I will never forget this day. I am so sorry, my brother. You were really like a brother to me… I will miss you…"
"Uh…. Tamahome? I'm not dead, no da…"
"Your memory will live on forever in our hearts and you will always be remembered as the Monk with Poofy Blue Bangs of Suzaku…"
"Tamahome, I'm not dead! And I don't like that title, no da…" croaked Chichiri, attempting to squirm out of Tamahome's tight embrace.
"I will never forget you!" With this, Tamahome tightened his arms around Chichiri and hugged him to his chest, Tamahome's tears running rampantly and staining Chichiri's tunic with the blackened droplets. Chichiri flailed wildly, as much as could for being caught in Tamahome's fierce hug, before coming to the traumatizing awareness that his face was forced into Tamahome's armpit. Gagging at the terrible smell and being unable to take in any clean air, Chichiri could feel himself fading fast. He was soon unconscious, which Tamahome took for dead, and he laid his "fallen" comrade down flat on the floor. Staring at him for one last longing moment, Tamahome passed out from his own exhaustion, both physical (blind punches in rapid succession) and mental (the emotional strain of "losing" a dear friend).
Meanwhile, hidden safely in the corner, an appalled yet fascinated Chiriko recorded the events on a scroll. Never had he seen something with such power; something that took out all of the semi-useful Suzaku Seishi in approximately five minutes. Shaking his head, Chiriko completed the event's recordings with a roughly drawn illustration of the dangerous object. Folding the scroll and putting away his quill, Chiriko stood up and sidestepped his companions as he made his way to the door. Regrettably, it was this exact moment that Tasuki decided to attempt movement and shifted his leg's position, tripping Chiriko. Falling on his knees and elbows, Chiriko gasped and stated, "It appears that I have a broken the skin on both my knees and elbows!" He than began to scream and cry, as most children do when they're hurt. Tasuki fainted from the shock of seeing Chiriko act his age, joining the "'Dead' Seishi Club, 4 served!"
No conscious person took notice of the door sliding open or the startled gasp that followed directly after. Clasping a hand over her moth, Houki quickly assessed the damage of some unknown force. She paused a moment stared at her husband, who was lying on the floor, much to her surprise. Arching an eyebrow in an "I-Don't-Want-to-Know" fashion, Houki's gaze fell on Hotohori's horrible shoes, which where turned up now in plain view. Scrunching up her nose in disgust, she diverted eyes and then she saw the object. Walking over to it curiously, she picked it up and, with the same frame of thinking of Nuriko, realized what it was. Switching from thoughts of her husband to the memory to the torturous birth of her son, Houki hesitated a whole second before tightening her hand around the object and placing it in a small pocket. As easily as she had entered the scene of the disaster, she turned and left it. No one even noticed…
~~~~~~~~Meanwhile, in Kutou~~~~~~~~
"General, we've discovered a new, very powerful weapon. It was temporarily disarmed the entire Suzaku team, minus the miko, who was nowhere to be found…" rasped one of the infamous Kutou spies. Nakago sat, impassive, on his throne and listened to his spies.
"What does it do?" skeptically questioned Nakago, his eyes falling on his empty birdcage.
The spies sweatdropped and responded, "We're not sure. It's a tiny weapon of mass destruction and it took out the Suzaku team in under five minutes."
Nakago arched an eyebrow. "Five minutes? That's impossible. They're much more stubborn than that…" In response to his statement, a spy reached into hammerspace and pulled out a scroll (the one that Chiriko had been writing on).
"The proof is right here, Sir. It was recorded by that child seishi, Chiriko," said a spy before tossing Nakago the scroll. He opened it and studied it carefully for several minutes and then inquired, "Where did you get this from?"
"We… took it from them…"
"Fools! Were you seen? They were too stupid to figure out that we were still spying on them, but you just announced our presence in Konan! Again!"
"No, General! We simply walked in and picked it up off the floor, where it had been unattended. No one even noticed us, Sir. It was as if they were under the spell of the weapon of chaos," hastily explained the other spy, sweatdropping like his accomplice.
"I see. Bring this… "weapon" to me. Go now," ordered Nakago as he resumed studying the scroll.
The spies nodded, pressed two fingers to their foreheads, and with the synchronized yell of "Instant Transmission!" had vanished. ***
"This new tool…" Nakago thought aloud, "could be useful."
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*Bubble Wrap- Like it or not, Chichiri does wear a bubble wrap. I couldn't think of the word for his cloak thing, so I improvised. It's blue, it's covered in bubbles, and it's a wrap, so there.
**Tamahome's Mascara- How else does he get those lashes so thick? Yay, Covergirl!®
***"Instant Transmission- Ever watched Dragonball Z? If you haven't, this little parody comes from a mostly useless move that instantly transports a person from point A to the desired point B. It's used by Goku, and only Goku, because in the three (or four) years that he was alive after learning it, he never decided to teach it to anyone. Logical? Nope, but then again, neither is the show.
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*cracks up* I'm so terrible! This falls under the category of yet another fic I can't believe I wrote! So, how was it? Other than disturbing, that is? So, in the next chapter: Seiryuu Seishi's Turn! Will they suffer the same fate as the Suzaku Seishi? Or will it be even worse? Will the awful truth of what this foreign object is (and its purpose) ever be revealed? Will Yui find the object? Will anyone die of suspense waiting for the next chapter? Okay, scratch that one… ^^& Anyways, I plan to have a Seiryuu chapter next (duh) and then a combined Byakko and Genbu and friends chapter. Run in fear! It's not done yet! *laughs manically* … Please review?
-Kaen ^^&