If You Give a Seishi a Condom

Chapter 2: Forget the Counterattack, Run For Your Own life!

By Kaen

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Yay! The next chapter is up! I think this one may be even worse than the first chapter, so brace yourself. I'm so awful, though… Instead of writing the next chapter of Nijuusei like I should, I'm going around and writing the next chapters of old stories and then new stories all together. I guess it's just that I'm really bummed out that I only got four reviews for the chapter that I worked really hard to get out… I think I sacrificed my English final for the sake of that chapter, too… T_T Enough complaining from me, though! Read on and please enjoy!

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"This is the "weapon" you were talking about?" inquired Nakago, staring in disbelief at the round, tan object held uncertainly in the palm of his hand.

"Y-yes, Sir. I know it doesn't make much sense, but that thing has incredible power. I recommend that you exercise extreme caution while it's in your possession," requested one of the two black-cloaked spies. They had been inching away from Nakago ever since they had handed the object to him, for they had seen its destructive capabilities. That thing was dangerous and bloodthirsty, and quite frankly, they had no desire to be its next victim.

"I… see… You may go," informed Nakago as he turned the object over and over in his hands. The two spies let out a relieved sigh and quickly disappeared, taking refuge as far away as possible. Nakago continued to fidget with the "weapon" for a while after the departed, it being quite illogical to him that something so small and seemingly harmless had taken out all the Suzaku Seishi. Something doesn't make sense here, he contemplated, There has to be someway to test its power… He turned quickly in order to exit the room, but since it was so excruciatingly dark*, Nakago unfortunately took a long, purposeful stride… right into a chair. Even more unfortunately, he succeeded in placing a bit too much pressure on an area that had been covered by his bulky armor, but was by no means well-protected. Freezing to the spot, he balanced precariously with one leg fully extended as he miraculously balanced his weight on the tiptoes of another. Sure enough, this position couldn't be held for long and Nakago twitched in alarm as the floor creaked and he began teeter. "Shit," he squeaked out in his newly soprano-ranged voice before falling on the floor with a sickening thud. He held the same pose he had when he'd been standing upright, which looked even more strange now.

It was just a few seconds later that Ashitare bounded into the room on his hands and feet, chasing after a particularly stubborn miller moth. He took no notice of Nakago as he watched the moth land on the back of a chair, just a few feet away. It was mocking him… Glaring murderously at the offender, Ashitare let out an ear-splitting battle cry before launching himself towards the chair. However, the moth appeared to be smarter than him and easily dodged the assault, which left Ashitare to only plummet back to the ground after an airborne collision with the chair. But it was most unexpected when the "ground" "oof"ed beneath him and Ashitare looked down confusedly. Blonde hair, funny armor, purple cape, strange smell… Did someone buy a new throw rug? He crawled slowly off the bumpy rug to get a better perspective. And could soon feel his stomach drop. What he had assumed to be a terrible new carpet was indeed the Shogun of Kutou, the Seiryuu Shichiseisei, and his abusive Master… Ashitare moaned just imagining the unbearable pain he was going to experience in mere second. He squeezed his eyes shut and waited for a blow that never came.

Creaking open a hideous eye, Ashitare observed (yes, observed!) that Nakago appeared to be too preoccupied with his own situation to even notice that he had just been used as a wolf-man's landing pad. Dismissing his master's strange pose as nothing abnormal, Ashitare decided that he should run away while he still could, and fast. The moth was long forgotten as he turned on his paw and scampered towards the door, only to be caught up by another odd obstacle. The things strange resistance to the smooth floor had caught him off guard and had sent him skidding a good seven feet before he could stop himself. Turning in confusion, Ashitare at first could not detect the enemy. He looked to the right, the left, up, and then finally… down, where he spotted a small, circular thing. He guardedly inched closed to the object. Sidestepping Nakago's sprawled body, he gently picked up the thing in his claws. Was this what had hurt his master? Nakago then let out another soprano-ranged moan, which was more alarming to Ashitare than anything else in this world or the next could have ever been. Well, maybe the dub was worse, but the moan was pretty damn freaky! His pupils dilated in fear, Ashitare clutched the object in his paw as he took off at a dead run out the door and never looked back.

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"Hey, Aniki?"

"What is it?" responded Amiboshi, lowering the flute from his lips.

"Don't you think it's too quiet? I mean, we haven't gotten in trouble at all tonight!" exclaimed Suboshi, his eyes widened in the obvious shock of his own discovery.

"…"

Amiboshi had to admit that it actually was pretty strange that they hadn't gotten yelled yet. Nakago usually found them within five minutes of them leaving their bedchambers in the palace, but tonight was different. He had assumed that Nakago never tired of their game of "hide-and-go-seek," but he hadn't found them yet, nor had even gone looking.

"Maybe we should make our campfire bigger? Or why don't we just set something on fire all together? That ought to get Nakago out here pretty fast…" pondered Suboshi aloud, forgetting to conceal his slightly more sadistic side. Whack!

 "Ow! What was that for, Aniki?!" demanded Suboshi, rubbing the back of his head where his brother had smacked him with the flute.

"You should know better," stated Amiboshi flatly before raising the flute to his lips to play again. The melody echoed serenely through the palace's lush courtyard as Amiboshi continued playing from his and his brother's perch in the branches of a tall tree. Suboshi glared at his twin brother for a little while, trying his best to stay mad at him. Failing miserably, the younger twin looked away and gazed at the night sky. The stars were so bright and Suboshi smiled contently as he leaned against his brother affectionately. But since never could ever stay perfect in Kutou for very long, the peacefulness of the moment was soon shattered as Suboshi noticed a horribly disfigured thing race blindly into the courtyard and run around in circles until it tired itself out and collapsed onto its side.

"Hey, Aniki…" Suboshi nudged Amiboshi to get his brother attention. Amiboshi opened his eyes and was met with the strange sight of a thing lying on its side, panting heavily for air. Furrowing his brow, he protectively placed an arm in front of his younger brother before he confirmed with himself that the scene was safe. Realization finally dawned on him.

"It's just Ashitare! If you, my dear little brother, don't torment him with those flying balls of yours**, I think we'll be fine… but, what's he have with him?" Amiboshi faltered over his words. He squinted, trying to better see the object that Ashitare was toying with, but figured that there was no point given that Suboshi had already scaled down the tree and was jogging to the spot where Ashitare lay.

"Baka Otouto…" Amiboshi sighed as he shook his head. He then proceeded to follow his twin's trail down the tree.

"Ashitare!" Suboshi greeted him. Although he himself wasn't particularly fond of the wolf-man, his brother had told him that it was better to be on good terms with him. Ashitare ears perked up as he looked curiously at the boy before him. Suboshi? Or… Amiboshi? Or Suboshi? Or Amiboshi?*** He shook off an oncoming headache. How could anyone keep them straight, anyhow? He laid his head down to ground level and went back to pawing his strange treasure.

"What is it?" asked Amiboshi as he approached the two.

"It's a… thing," explained Suboshi confidently, trying his hardest to sound like he had some idea of what he was talking about. He nodded proudly.

Amiboshi groaned. "Yes, my dear little brother. It is a thing, but what is the thing?"

Ashitare then decided to share his discovery with the two boys. They'd never done anything to hurt him, so he had no reason not to trust them yet. He held out a steady claw to Amiboshi, the object tucked loosely within his grasp.

"Er… Thanks," Amiboshi said as he accepted the object.

"What is it, Aniki?" asked Suboshi impatiently, practically hopping up and down with anxiety.

"I thought you said that you already knew what it was," reminded the elder twin, a teasing tone resting in his voice. He smirked in satisfaction as he brother groaned. Taking pity on the less intelligent members of the small group, Amiboshi began to cite what he observed about the thing, "Well, it appears to be stretchy, small, tan-colored, rolled, and… made of some substance I'm not familiar with. Where did you get this, Ashitare?"

"Mrph-mrph."

"I think he said: 'Nakago's Room,'" translated Suboshi helpfully. Amiboshi nodded in comprehension.

"And can he tell us where it originally came from?"

"Mrph-mrph… Mmph," Ashitare explained roughly, shrugging his broad shoulders. Amiboshi turned to his brother, who was scratching his head.

"I'm pretty sure he's saying that he doesn't know and just found it," Suboshi shrugged as well before an idea imbedded itself in his mind. "Aniki! Why don't we ask our miko what it is? It might have come from her world!" exclaimed Suboshi with a sudden burst of energy. Amiboshi stared blankly at the object in his hand, then looked to Ashitare's puzzled face, and then his younger brother enthusiastic antics. He nodded in the general gist of agreeing.

"All right!" exclaimed Suboshi, who was very proud of himself for coming up with a good idea. He latched on his brother's arm as Amiboshi sighed. That was the sign that there was no escape now. He looked at the ground sullenly as he twin chattered happily, dragging him to the Mistress Yui. Mistress Yui… Wait a second!

"Suboshi!" Amiboshi jumped back, pointing an accusing finger at his brother.

"Y-yes, Aniki?" Suboshi stuttered, taken aback by his twin's sudden change in attitude.

"Just how do you know where to find Yui this late at night? She'd have surely gone to bed by now and I find it rather interesting that you would know just where her bedchamber is…" Amiboshi trailed off, still glaring suspiciously. Suboshi fell over. Picking himself hurriedly off the ground a second later, Suboshi commenced to waving his arms in front of himself defensively. He muttered as many excuses as he could muster, sounding for all the world like those annoying cell phone radio commercials that list every bad thing about the product and service in the last two seconds of the ad. Amiboshi sweatdropped, turned, and continued walking.

"Oi, Aniki! Wait up!" Suboshi called as he realized that his twin was leaving him to talk to himself. Amiboshi heaved another sigh as they departed from the courtyard, leaving behind a perplexed Ashitare.

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"Hey, Soi… Want to see my seishi symbol?****" asked Tomo slyly as he slid closer to her. She let out an almost growl-like noise as she reluctantly put down the map that held the course she had been routing for Kutou's troops.

"Tomo, we've been through this. No, I don't want to see your seishi symbol, and even if I did, you're gay. Now, please let me work in peace. Nakago should be down here soon to help out and you certainly were not invited to this tactics meeting," Soi replied, looking back down at the maps,

"Nakago…" Tomo shudders, "Oooooh! Say it Again! Say it again!"*****

Soi massaged her throbbing temples, cringing as something just outside of the door crashed into an object that was probably expensive. She took note of the inordinate amount of swear words that followed, and then the name "Miboshi." Her attention was snagged and she felt herself being drawn to the door, much like a moth is drawn to the fluorescent lights in the band room. Tomo watched avidly as Soi explored what he was afraid to investigate. After all, it could smear his make-up.

"What is going on out here?" demanded Soi as the opened the door, taking in the heap of people on the floor. It appeared to be Suboshi, Amiboshi, Miboshi, and then some random guard who had the misfortune of being caught up in the mess.

"It was all Miboshi's fault!" whined Suboshi.

"It was not!" Miboshi whined back, acting a little less mature than he should have for his three hundred years and counting. ******

"How was it not your fault when you float in the middle of a dark hall without any thought that someone might need to pass through?!" growled Amiboshi uncharacteristically as he attempted to detangle himself from the pile. 

"Tomo passed through this hall just fine! He didn't have any problem avoiding me!" Miboshi argued.

"Not everyone is accustomed to stalking Nakago in the dead of night!" Amiboshi and Suboshi yelled in unison. Soi blinked.

"All right! That's quite enough," she announced, starting with Amiboshi as she pulled him from the unwillingly made dog pile. "Miboshi, try not to float in the middle of dark halls, and Suboshi and Amiboshi?"

"Yeah?"

"Why were you two in such a hurry?" she asked curiously, ignoring the random guard's nosebleed as she salvaged him from the pile.

"We found a weird thing-" started Suboshi, only to be cut off by his brother.

"Ashitare brought us a strange object, assumed to be from Lord Nakago's chambers," explained Amiboshi calmly as he held out the object in his palm for observation. Soi's brow creased, focusing on the round object, as she held up Miboshi. She dusted him off apologetically and left him to float in peace. After an extended period of observation, Soi still couldn't decipher what the thing was and decided to risk Tomo's presence for an explanation.

"Tomo! Get out here!"

He peeked out from behind the open door. "W-what is it, Soi?"

"I need your help with something for once. Come here," she ordered, making a point to show that refusal was not an option to him.

"Why should I?" Tomo mocked her, once again over-stepping his boundaries.

She held out her hand as electricity crackled over it. "Haku… Jin…Rai…"

"All right! All right! I'll do it already! Just don't use that damn spell!"

With this, Tomo slowly approached the waiting group. Finally given the opportunity to put his perverseness to good use, he gawked at the object in Amiboshi's hand. He cackled as the rest of the group watched him dispassionately. Stopping suddenly, Tomo seized Soi's arm, yanked her back inside the room, and slammed the door shut in one swift movement. He pinned her back to the door as she arched an eyebrow.

"So, Tomo, what is it?" she asked him, not the least bit phased. He grinned wickedly. It was a smile only perverted enough to be found on Tomo's face (or possibly Tasuki's, but this is the Seiryuu chapter, so…).

"Do you really want to know?" She nodded as she leaned closer. "It's…" he leaned in close to her ear as he whispered what the thing was and its intended purpose was. Her eyes widened in shock, but a nearly equally twisted grin formed on her face after the concept had registered in her mind. And to think that she had been worried about getting pregnant…

"What's going on in there?" yelled Suboshi as he pounded the door with his fist. Tomo offered Soi one last evil look before he released her and strode casually to the other side of the room.

"Nothing," she lied as she opened the door.

"I think you're lying," Suboshi stated the obvious.

"I think you're right," Soi winked.

"I wanna see it!" cried Miboshi as he hovered over to Amiboshi.

"You can't now. I don't even have it anymore," Amiboshi informed Miboshi as Amiboshi gestured to his overly amused brother, who was stretching the object happily between his thumbs and forefingers. Miboshi's face showed his determination as he approached the oblivious Suboshi. Amiboshi could tell that this was a bad idea and had decided to distance himself by playing a tune on his flute. But what happened next led to the downfall of the Seiryuu Team.

"Gimme that!" Miboshi screeched as he lounged at Suboshi. Suboshi yelped as he lost his grip on the object, ducking just in time to allow Miboshi to tackle a wall instead of him. Miboshi muttered a few drugged-sounding threats before he slid down the wall. Suboshi wiped the imaginary sweat from his forehead.

"That was close, wasn't it, Aniki? Aniki?" Suboshi looked up and was frozen in terror. The object had caught right on the end of Amiboshi's flute and as his brother continued to play, the object swelled. "Aniki!" Suboshi screamed, but it was too late. The thing flew off, sailing at and incredible speed as it completed an amazing 90° turn. Right into the room Tomo was in. Suboshi squeezed his eyes shut as he braced for impact.

5… 4… 3… 2…1-

"AAAIIIEEEEEEEEEEE!!!" came the horrified scream that rattled the rafters. Amiboshi finally stopped playing as he looked at his brother for an explanation. Suboshi shook his head solemnly before he turned to rush into the room. He was met with a quite unusual sight, to say the least. Tomo was hopping up and down, while fanning his head with one hand. The other hand pulled at the object, which had lodged itself in his long ponytail. He was shrieking and cursing, and in Suboshi's opinion, presenting his most entertaining performance yet. Suboshi starting cracking up and eventually tumbled to the floor as his body was wracked by uncontrollable laughter. This actually did catch Tomo's attention as he turned to glare daggers at the offensive youth.

"You…. You did this, didn't you?" Tomo's eyes began to glow an eerie red color, which sobered Suboshi instantaneously.

"No, To-" Suboshi tried to clarify, but was cut off as Tomo pounced on him and pinned to the cold, stone floor. Suboshi was already trembling in fear, but what Tomo did next completely sent him over the edge. Tomo Smiled evilly, before he closed his eyes and lowered his face to Suboshi's. Suboshi felt the air leave him as Tomo's lips were pressed against his own and after a few mere seconds, he had passed out cold. Tomo grinned in satisfaction as he took note of the chibi-Yui's circling around Suboshi's head. Standing up, he cackled what was meant to be a bout of maniacal victory laugher. Soi cringed from where she had taken refuge. Somehow, that cackle was even more terrifying than any maniacal laugh could ever be. Finally refraining from his cackle, Tomo turned to Soi.

"Another job well-done," he announced proudly. Soi cupped a hand over her mouth as she stared a Tomo's face. He finally took notice of her shocked expression and rudely demanded, "What is it, wench?"

"Tomo… Your make-up is…" She didn't even have to finish her sentence. Tomo ran a suddenly shaking hand over his face. His lower lip began to tremble, and he then let out another blood-curdling scream that shook the rafters. Presumably exhausted from his trauma, Tomo passed out cold on the stone floor. Soi tsk-ed, watching Tomo fall on the floor next to his recent victim. Shaking her head, she began to rummage around for a blank parchment or scroll. Upon finding one, she sat back down at the table and began to write.

It was just about then that Amiboshi dared to peek into the room. His brother and Tomo seemed to be unconscious, and Soi appeared to have gone back to work, now without any distractions. Stepping inside, Amiboshi politely inquired about what had happened.

"Tomo got that... thing… stuck in his hair and took it out on Suboshi. They're both fine, but the mental trauma might be pretty severe for both of them," Soi replied without looking up as she continued to scribble down something on the scroll.

"What happened to them?" asked Amiboshi.

"Tomo kissed Suboshi, and then Tomo found out that his make-up smeared. Personally, I think your brother has it worse,"

Amiboshi nodded in agreement. Poor Otouto! Thanking Soi, he kneeled down next to Tomo and proceeded to untangle the still unidentified thing from his fellow seishi's hair. After freeing the captive object, Amiboshi bid Soi farewell and proceeded to make his way to Lady Yui's chambers alone. After all, he still wanted to know what the thing was and it just seemed rude to bother Soi with it some more.

"Lady Yui?" Amiboshi called softly as he tapped lightly on her bedroom door. He heard some stirring within the room and then a light could be seen from underneath the door.

"Who's there?" she called back from inside.

"It's Amiboshi. I've just come to see if you could identify something,"

"Come in," she granted him permission to enter. He grasped the handle to the huge door and slowly pushed it open. Offering Yui a warm smile of greeting, he stepped into the room and closed the door behind him. Yui had sat up in her bed as she watched Amiboshi enter her bedchamber and close the distance between the door and her bed. He bowed.

"I'm sorry to disturb you, Lady Yui, but we have discovered an unidentifiable object. Perhaps you could enlighten us?"

Yui nodded as Amiboshi reached into his pocket and pulled out a small, round thing. She stood from her bed as she took the mystery-object from Amiboshi, furrowing her brow in thought. And then realization dawned on her

"Suboshi, you little pervert! How dare you come into my room in the dead of night with this! You ought to be ashamed of yourself!" Yui's onslaught commenced, "You know full-well what this is, don't you?! I should have never even permitted you entrance into my bedchamber!" She then slapped him across the face. Hard. Amiboshi was too confused to ever expect a physical assault, and the shock of the slap sent him crashing onto her bed. She glared at him indignantly before she turned and stomped out of the room.

"But I don't know…" whimpered Amiboshi as he watched her exit from his crooked viewpoint. "And I'm not even Suboshi…" With this, he began to bawl. He finally cried himself to sleep and was left there alone for the entire night.

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"How disgusting! How incredibly disgusting!" vented Yui as she paced beck and fourth on a balcony just down the hall from her bedchamber. "The nerve of that guy! Grr!" She chucked the offensive object off the balcony as she continued to fume and pace, without ever knowing that the object had been returned to the person who might have practically started it all.

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Ashitare yelped and jumped away as something fell on his back and rebounded off. Repeating the process of looking right, left, up, and finally down, Ashitare found the object that had previously been his treasure. But wait… Master Nakago might want the thing back… Ashitare determined that it would be best to return the treasure to Master Nakago and he bounded out of the courtyard with the thing trapped in the palm of his claw.

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"Mrph-mrph," announced Ashitare as he entered Nakago's chamber. He had finally managed to get up and into the chair and looked at Ashitare impassively as the wolf-man serenaded him with gibberish. Nakago stared and patiently waited for him to finish, at which point Ashitare held out his clawed hand to Nakago. Nakago accepted the object from Ashitare, but immediately wished he hadn't. Leaping up from his chair, Nakago threw the object as far away from himself as possible and emerged from his chambers at a surprisingly quick awkward canter. At his heels was the full-wolf form of Ashitare, the mystery-object held firmly in his teeth as he chased after Nakago. To Ashitare, this was one big game of tag; to Nakago, it was a desperate struggle for survival.

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"Soi! Help me!" a sickeningly high voice squeaked.

"In a sec," Soi replied, still not looking up from her writing.

"But Soi! Please! Ahhh!!"

"Just a sec… All right! I'm all done!" she proclaimed as she rolled up the scroll and glanced outside of the door, where Nakago ran frantically from one side of the hall to the other with Ashitare hot on his heels. Raising an eyebrow, Soi walked over to the doorway and snatched the panicking general out of harm's way as he passed by again. Slamming the door shut behind him, she turned and grinned in satisfaction as a blue portal open up behind her. Shoving the scroll inside, she retracted her hand and brushed the imaginary dust off them.

"What was that, Soi?" asked Nakago, panting, in his terrible, high, nasally voice.

"I was… placing an order," she said, purposely trying to avoid the topic.

"Order to where?"

"Our miko's world… They have something there that I could use," she explained, distractedly. Why hadn't the portal completely shut yet? It was FOEC ******* enough that it chose to appear when it did, but to stay open that long…? Soi felt a sudden gust of wind and she squeezed her eyes shut until it passed. She opened them to the sight of Nakago perching oddly on the blue rim of the portal, preparing to jump all the way through.

"Wait!" she cried, gesturing to the many maps that lay askew on the floor and table, "What about our counterattack against Konan?"

Nakago blinked, and then shrugged. For one brief second, his voice returned to normal as he stated before completely entering the gateway, "Forget the counterattack, run for your own life!"

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* Nakago's Dark Throne Room- Am I the only one who thinks that Nakago's room is impossibly dark? Whether it's daytime or nighttime, you can never see what's going on in there! For all we know, it could be a giant birdcage filled with replacement canaries! … I don't even know where that came from…

**Suboshi's "Flying Balls"- I'm naturally referring to the ryuuseisui. Overused, yes, but still a classic. ^^&

***Suboshi…? or Amiboshi? - I dare you to tell me that you've never gotten those two mixed up. Although I've gotten better, I'm still trying to figure out how "Futatsu no Kodou" can be a duet. They're voiced by the same person! {head spins}

**** Tomo's Seishi Symbol- I think we all know where it is, but for those of us who don't… lower right pelvis. "Pelvis Boy! Pelvis Boy!" *ahem* Sorry…

***** "Nakago" shudders- Anyone her ever seen the "Lion King?" You know the three hyenas? I think that's all that needs to be said. (I don't own the Lion King! Disney does, not Kaen!)

****** Miboshi's age- Just how old is the guy, anyway? O.O I'm getting really sick of these asterisks…

******* FOEC- Factor Of Extreme Coincidence. The basic concept behind FOEC is that the stupider you are, the better it works for you. If you're smart like Soi and know about FOEC, you're doomed to die. This theory is yet to be proven false. Besides, it happens all the time in Sailor Moon.

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Wow… This was a long chapter! And look at all those footnotes! O.O Just a quick note before I forget: I noticed that many people didn't understand what the object was because they had neglected to read the title at the top of the story page. I'm afraid that this actually is my fault. I wasn't sure if I could include the word "condom" in the title of this story, so I tried to censor it some. I'm sorry! I now realize that it's okay to use a word like that, given some of the other words people get away with using. Anyway, I got my first bad/stupid review ever! Check it out if you are interested. All right! That should be all that you hear from me about this fic again, unless I get a request to do a Genbu, Byakko, and friends chapter. Thanks for reading and please review!

-Kaen ^^