Thinking of You
By Talking Hawk
Author's Note: So this is the fate of a non-slash fanfiction writer… I'm stuck with only boy band CDs, and I had to find a song for this fanfic! (gurgles at the mouth in frustration) Don't get me wrong… I like N*SYNC and stuff, but…do you know how hard it is to find a not-really-slashy- sounding N*SYNC song?! o_O Sorry about that… Maybe if you don't write in your reviews, "That would've been really sweet if it was a slash," or, "My toosh, that's not a slash!" I won't chuck rocks at you…hehehe! =) J/k, except for the please-don't-copy-these-quotes-in-any-way-shape-or-form thing…
'You are a fool,' I think bitterly to myself. I wrinkle my nose, and angrily throw a twig into the pitiful fire I have set up at my "camp." It is now night; it has been hours since my voyage across the Great River, forever putting a barrier between my friends and I. Before now, I always thought that I was doing the best for all of them by leaving – the heroic Aragorn, the easily swayed Boromir, of whom I hold no hate for. It is not his fault. As the lady Galadriel had warned me, "The hearts of men are easily corrupted, and always have been." I am a fool.
'Oh,' I curse myself, 'what a fool thout are!' Back in the Mines of Moria, it should have been I that dear Gandalf should have shouted at in retribution, "You fool of a hobbit! Throw yourself in next time, and rid us of your stupidity!" Somehow, however, this hadn't turned out the way it should of. It felt like I still hadn't rid the others of my stupidity, or anything else of me, for that matter.
They were all probably grieving hopelessly right now, blaming themselves for my naïve foolishness. I had thought that by me leaving, I would be sparing them. Now I probably was the cause of tears in their mournful eyes – my beloved cousins Pippin and Merry, the elf Legolas, perhaps even the dwarf Gimli, whose father had traveled with Bilbo to the Lonely Mountain and recovered its lost treasure. I hastened in recalling the painful memory of all but one. The memory of Him would be too torturesome.
I couldn't. I shouldn't. But I did…
[Embraced in your arms
So close together
Didn't know what I had.]
I attempted to settle down into my bedroll, but not even the soft fabric was comforting. Never so much did I need that friend that for, too many years, did I take for granted, assuring myself that he would always be there. Never in my wildest dreams could he be swallowed by death or disease. He would always be there. But then I, being the confounded fool I am, disposed of him myself. I left him. I ran away, and didn't look back.
[Now I toss and turn
'Cause I'm without you
How I'm missing you so bad.]
How is it, I wonder, that one can love someone so much, but then do such a hateful thing as to leave them? Oh, I tried to convince myself that the act was done out of love, out of compassion. But then seeing how cold my heart was in leaving them, I could only imagine how this could be affecting Him. Oh, how could I have done this?
[Where was my head?
Where was my heart?
Now I cry alone in the dark.]
Tears of grief, and tears of regret begin taking their long trek down my cheeks. I do not, in any way, intervene in their flow. My hands were frozen with sadness. They could not wipe these tears away, for somehow, they were shedding their own.
[I lie awake, I drive myself crazy
Drive myself crazy, thinking of you
Made a mistake when I let you go
I drive myself crazy
Wanting you the way that I do.]
Sounds fill my ears. O, the cursed sounds!
They were of such harmless things, like the birds in the trees, and the squirrels scampering away with their acorns in content. When I was amongst the members of the Fellowship, I always felt safe. Even with Him, I knew that evil things could not befall me – and if they did, He would be there to pick me up again. But now, utterly alone, I had no one. I wasn't safe.
And even if I was, my heart never did ache so much as it did for my dear friend right now.
[I was such a fool. I couldn't see it - just how good you were to me.] Oh, deep within in my soul, I really did love Him. He was my brother, my confedante, my friend. However, I took the hobbit for granted, and nothing ever forced me to see how deeply and genuinely I loved my friend. Oh, why couldn't something have forced me to see this before now?
[You confessed your love
Undying devotion.]
More than once, He told me how he felt. He loved me just as much as I him. But, oh, how I always brushed away the words, taking it for the exclamation of a silly child. Never once did I take the words to heart. O, brother, why did I do this to you? Why did I do this to myself?
[I confessed my need to be free
And now I'm left
With all this pain
I've only got myself to blame.
[I lie awake, I drive myself crazy
Drive myself crazy thinking of you
Made a mistake when I let you go
I drive myself crazy
Wanting you the way that I do.]
[Why didn't I know it? How much I loved you, Sam. Why couldn't I show it?] I am a prideful fool. If I had but known! [If I had only told you when I had the chance…] Perhaps, then, I wouldn't be in such suffering now. Why didn't I take the chance, the opportunity? [Oh, I had the chance.]
A new sound filled my ears, other than the sound of my regretful tears. The sound of footsteps. I sat up, now filled more with fear than of sorrow. It was an orc, or a Ringwraith. I knew it! It was my end, and I never told him… Oh, curse be me, I didn't TELL him!…
A figure appeared, hidden in the shadows. It was very dark, but despite my terror, I narrowed my eyes, trying to see whatever it was more clearly. I was scared, but in my mind, if I was going to die, I might as well know who my killer will be…
It stepped forward. Astonished by this forewardness, I snap my eyes shut, fear overtaking me. I didn't want to know what it was anymore. I wanted to be safe. I wanted to be HOME again! Oh, merciful Gods, take me from this place now! I beg of thee…
Nothing comes. No sword, no killing blow. Absolutely, and utterly, nothing.
Ever so slowly, I open my cowering eyes. The first thing I see are two bare feet. Bare feet? Even with hair on them! I blink in confusion, and nothing registering, I lift my gaze. Pants that went up to the calves, a pale blue vest, a white shirt, and then a face…
"Mr. Frodo…?" he whispers, his eyes filled with worry. I gawk at this point, astonishment running its course through my body. I could not move. I could not speak. The realization came to me almost immediately – he had followed me…
Taking my disbelief for dismay, he rushed forward, falling to his knees, pleading, "Oh, forgive me, Mr. Frodo!" He seized my frozen hand, shaking his head, tears streaming down his face before I could react. "I know you wanted to go alone, but I didn't listen. Please, don't be upset with me!"
If it was possible, my jaw fell even more. I had been in such despair that it was an unthinkable idea that I wouldn't be filled with happiness at the sight of a familiar face. However, I suppose that I gawking at him wasn't helping in conveying this message…
Emotion taking over me, I threw my arms around his neck, pressing his face into my shoulder. "Don't cry, Sam. Don't cry…" I crooned as I once had when he was a wee hobbit boy, teary-eyed over a scraped knee. My embrace still had an endearing effect – in a matter of moments, his weeping ceased. His shoulders ceased shaking.
"'Don't you leave him, Samwise Gamgee,'" he quoted Gandalf feebly as I released him from my embrace. His eyes were lowered, and he whispered, "And I don't mean to, Mr. Frodo. I don't mean to…"
"I know," I said hoarsely, wiping away the tears that threatened to trickle – even flood – down my face once more. He looked up at me, a look of surprise in his eyes. I had never awknowledged his loyalty to me, in all the years I had known him. Never once did I tell him… Such wasted years.
I wiped a hand over his wet cheek, acting as I once did so long ago back in Hobbiton. I had never allowed him to cry for long, whether it be over a busted toe or hurt feelings caused by his brothers. Oh, I hated it so when he cried…
He was surprised by the gesture, but I merely smile, moving my hand to dry the other tear-streaked cheek. However, when he feels the touch of my fingertips, he quickly snatches my hand into his own. He stares down at it as he cups his other hand around mine. I blink at him.
He presses my hand to his chin thoughtfully and says, not meeting my eyes, "Do not bother, Mr. Frodo. I fear that I have many more tears to shed before this quest of ours is over…"
I chuckle softly, picking up a corner of my blanket with my free hand. Smiling, I wipe its edge over the glimmering side of his face. He looks up at me curiously, and I explain gently, "Perhaps, my dear friend… But I will always be there to dry them again, once more."
Finally, the tears were gone. However, Samwise was right – we still had many more yet to shed. But, that's why we had each other, and perhaps, the reason he followed me. …We needed our "human" handkerchiefs.
Author's Second Note: I forgot to mention that the song was N*SYNC's "Thinking of You (I Drive Myself Crazy)"… Oh, and I'm sorry if my first author's note made any slash-writers mad/upset…it was unintentional…
By Talking Hawk
Author's Note: So this is the fate of a non-slash fanfiction writer… I'm stuck with only boy band CDs, and I had to find a song for this fanfic! (gurgles at the mouth in frustration) Don't get me wrong… I like N*SYNC and stuff, but…do you know how hard it is to find a not-really-slashy- sounding N*SYNC song?! o_O Sorry about that… Maybe if you don't write in your reviews, "That would've been really sweet if it was a slash," or, "My toosh, that's not a slash!" I won't chuck rocks at you…hehehe! =) J/k, except for the please-don't-copy-these-quotes-in-any-way-shape-or-form thing…
'You are a fool,' I think bitterly to myself. I wrinkle my nose, and angrily throw a twig into the pitiful fire I have set up at my "camp." It is now night; it has been hours since my voyage across the Great River, forever putting a barrier between my friends and I. Before now, I always thought that I was doing the best for all of them by leaving – the heroic Aragorn, the easily swayed Boromir, of whom I hold no hate for. It is not his fault. As the lady Galadriel had warned me, "The hearts of men are easily corrupted, and always have been." I am a fool.
'Oh,' I curse myself, 'what a fool thout are!' Back in the Mines of Moria, it should have been I that dear Gandalf should have shouted at in retribution, "You fool of a hobbit! Throw yourself in next time, and rid us of your stupidity!" Somehow, however, this hadn't turned out the way it should of. It felt like I still hadn't rid the others of my stupidity, or anything else of me, for that matter.
They were all probably grieving hopelessly right now, blaming themselves for my naïve foolishness. I had thought that by me leaving, I would be sparing them. Now I probably was the cause of tears in their mournful eyes – my beloved cousins Pippin and Merry, the elf Legolas, perhaps even the dwarf Gimli, whose father had traveled with Bilbo to the Lonely Mountain and recovered its lost treasure. I hastened in recalling the painful memory of all but one. The memory of Him would be too torturesome.
I couldn't. I shouldn't. But I did…
[Embraced in your arms
So close together
Didn't know what I had.]
I attempted to settle down into my bedroll, but not even the soft fabric was comforting. Never so much did I need that friend that for, too many years, did I take for granted, assuring myself that he would always be there. Never in my wildest dreams could he be swallowed by death or disease. He would always be there. But then I, being the confounded fool I am, disposed of him myself. I left him. I ran away, and didn't look back.
[Now I toss and turn
'Cause I'm without you
How I'm missing you so bad.]
How is it, I wonder, that one can love someone so much, but then do such a hateful thing as to leave them? Oh, I tried to convince myself that the act was done out of love, out of compassion. But then seeing how cold my heart was in leaving them, I could only imagine how this could be affecting Him. Oh, how could I have done this?
[Where was my head?
Where was my heart?
Now I cry alone in the dark.]
Tears of grief, and tears of regret begin taking their long trek down my cheeks. I do not, in any way, intervene in their flow. My hands were frozen with sadness. They could not wipe these tears away, for somehow, they were shedding their own.
[I lie awake, I drive myself crazy
Drive myself crazy, thinking of you
Made a mistake when I let you go
I drive myself crazy
Wanting you the way that I do.]
Sounds fill my ears. O, the cursed sounds!
They were of such harmless things, like the birds in the trees, and the squirrels scampering away with their acorns in content. When I was amongst the members of the Fellowship, I always felt safe. Even with Him, I knew that evil things could not befall me – and if they did, He would be there to pick me up again. But now, utterly alone, I had no one. I wasn't safe.
And even if I was, my heart never did ache so much as it did for my dear friend right now.
[I was such a fool. I couldn't see it - just how good you were to me.] Oh, deep within in my soul, I really did love Him. He was my brother, my confedante, my friend. However, I took the hobbit for granted, and nothing ever forced me to see how deeply and genuinely I loved my friend. Oh, why couldn't something have forced me to see this before now?
[You confessed your love
Undying devotion.]
More than once, He told me how he felt. He loved me just as much as I him. But, oh, how I always brushed away the words, taking it for the exclamation of a silly child. Never once did I take the words to heart. O, brother, why did I do this to you? Why did I do this to myself?
[I confessed my need to be free
And now I'm left
With all this pain
I've only got myself to blame.
[I lie awake, I drive myself crazy
Drive myself crazy thinking of you
Made a mistake when I let you go
I drive myself crazy
Wanting you the way that I do.]
[Why didn't I know it? How much I loved you, Sam. Why couldn't I show it?] I am a prideful fool. If I had but known! [If I had only told you when I had the chance…] Perhaps, then, I wouldn't be in such suffering now. Why didn't I take the chance, the opportunity? [Oh, I had the chance.]
A new sound filled my ears, other than the sound of my regretful tears. The sound of footsteps. I sat up, now filled more with fear than of sorrow. It was an orc, or a Ringwraith. I knew it! It was my end, and I never told him… Oh, curse be me, I didn't TELL him!…
A figure appeared, hidden in the shadows. It was very dark, but despite my terror, I narrowed my eyes, trying to see whatever it was more clearly. I was scared, but in my mind, if I was going to die, I might as well know who my killer will be…
It stepped forward. Astonished by this forewardness, I snap my eyes shut, fear overtaking me. I didn't want to know what it was anymore. I wanted to be safe. I wanted to be HOME again! Oh, merciful Gods, take me from this place now! I beg of thee…
Nothing comes. No sword, no killing blow. Absolutely, and utterly, nothing.
Ever so slowly, I open my cowering eyes. The first thing I see are two bare feet. Bare feet? Even with hair on them! I blink in confusion, and nothing registering, I lift my gaze. Pants that went up to the calves, a pale blue vest, a white shirt, and then a face…
"Mr. Frodo…?" he whispers, his eyes filled with worry. I gawk at this point, astonishment running its course through my body. I could not move. I could not speak. The realization came to me almost immediately – he had followed me…
Taking my disbelief for dismay, he rushed forward, falling to his knees, pleading, "Oh, forgive me, Mr. Frodo!" He seized my frozen hand, shaking his head, tears streaming down his face before I could react. "I know you wanted to go alone, but I didn't listen. Please, don't be upset with me!"
If it was possible, my jaw fell even more. I had been in such despair that it was an unthinkable idea that I wouldn't be filled with happiness at the sight of a familiar face. However, I suppose that I gawking at him wasn't helping in conveying this message…
Emotion taking over me, I threw my arms around his neck, pressing his face into my shoulder. "Don't cry, Sam. Don't cry…" I crooned as I once had when he was a wee hobbit boy, teary-eyed over a scraped knee. My embrace still had an endearing effect – in a matter of moments, his weeping ceased. His shoulders ceased shaking.
"'Don't you leave him, Samwise Gamgee,'" he quoted Gandalf feebly as I released him from my embrace. His eyes were lowered, and he whispered, "And I don't mean to, Mr. Frodo. I don't mean to…"
"I know," I said hoarsely, wiping away the tears that threatened to trickle – even flood – down my face once more. He looked up at me, a look of surprise in his eyes. I had never awknowledged his loyalty to me, in all the years I had known him. Never once did I tell him… Such wasted years.
I wiped a hand over his wet cheek, acting as I once did so long ago back in Hobbiton. I had never allowed him to cry for long, whether it be over a busted toe or hurt feelings caused by his brothers. Oh, I hated it so when he cried…
He was surprised by the gesture, but I merely smile, moving my hand to dry the other tear-streaked cheek. However, when he feels the touch of my fingertips, he quickly snatches my hand into his own. He stares down at it as he cups his other hand around mine. I blink at him.
He presses my hand to his chin thoughtfully and says, not meeting my eyes, "Do not bother, Mr. Frodo. I fear that I have many more tears to shed before this quest of ours is over…"
I chuckle softly, picking up a corner of my blanket with my free hand. Smiling, I wipe its edge over the glimmering side of his face. He looks up at me curiously, and I explain gently, "Perhaps, my dear friend… But I will always be there to dry them again, once more."
Finally, the tears were gone. However, Samwise was right – we still had many more yet to shed. But, that's why we had each other, and perhaps, the reason he followed me. …We needed our "human" handkerchiefs.
Author's Second Note: I forgot to mention that the song was N*SYNC's "Thinking of You (I Drive Myself Crazy)"… Oh, and I'm sorry if my first author's note made any slash-writers mad/upset…it was unintentional…