1 Chapter Four – Things Fall Apart
"Mikagami Tokiya."
Her eyes snapped wide open, violet blur terror in the orange light. "No."
He stared at her for the longest moment. She was too confused to think coherently. "But what – why – how – why? You killed him?"
"I killed him."
"What the – !" She spat out an expletive. "How could you? He was our friend! What were you thinking? Are you mad?"
"Kurei told me to," he said simply.
"Kurei told you to! I suppose that makes it okay! You monster! You just killed my closest friend!"
He grabbed her shoulders. "Do you think I wanted to, Fuuko! Do you think I am so cold-blooded as all that? But I am Uruha. I do what Kurei tells me to. I don't have a choice."
He saw that she was weeping.
"I cried for him too, Fuuko," he said softly. "I almost wanted to let him win, to let him kill me, but I wanted to be back home for you. So that you would not need to worry. So that you would not need to suffer Kurei's retribution. So that you could have a normal life."
"Is this a normal life," she sobbed, "when my husband kills my best friend? Are you going to kill me next?"
He shut his eyes painfully. "I love you, Fuuko. But if Kurei wants me to," he said slowly, "I do not have a choice."
"You do not love me – you lie! You are a monster!" Fuuko screamed, insane. "You are no human!"
"Will you just shut up, woman, and listen to me for once!" he yelled back, hoarse. "Do you think I want to live this way? Do you think I do not question myself too? Do you think I enjoy all this killing, all this cruelty?
"There is nothing more I want than to have a simple life, with a beautiful wife by my side. But I can't. Because I am Uruha. I've tried to protect you, Fuuko, but there is only so much I can do. You know that Mikagami was going after Meguri. He would have died anyway. All I did was to make it faster. And less painful."
"You killed him," she insisted coldly. "You are a murderer. You, my husband."
He closed his eyes. "Yes. I, a murderer. I too have called myself these names. My guilt is more than you could ever imagine. When I married you, I was hoping for a life in which I would not have to face this terrible burden.
"But you know what, Fuuko? I don't think you care about me, not one bit. You wanted a puppy, not a husband. You're only interested in what I can give you – warmth, comfort, stuff like that. And for a while I was happy, playing along. But not right now. Right now I'm cold, tired, and dirty. I need a bath and I need rest and I need love. Instead, what do I get? I get a screaming, accusative woman coming at me right from the moment I step in the door.
"What does she want? She wants more time. She wants to know why I did my job the way I was supposed to. She wants to know why I don't think about her, although I do. What she doesn't want is to know what I think. Does she care? No."
Raiha stared at her. "You don't care, not really. You don't. You never ask me what I did in the day. You never ask if I am feeling alright. You never ask if I've had it tough. You never ask if I'm sad or if I'm upset or if I want to talk. You never ask these things. It's like you're not a part of my life."
She looked shocked. "But you were the one who wanted to separate your home and work lives. You said so yourself. You wanted to never discuss your day at home. So I agreed, and now you're accusing me of not caring? Excuse me, that seems a bit too much to me."
"Don't you get it? I wanted our home to be safe, to be ours. Yes, I don't want to discuss my day at home. But when I'm tired and depressed, I want to be comforted. Not – not asked about some stupid first-year birthday present!"
He heaved heavy breaths of anger, then turned on his heel and marched out of the apartment, slamming the door. "I'm spending the night at Kurei's," he told her. "And maybe tomorrow night too. And maybe the next."
He was gone.
Fuuko sank onto the cold floor, holding her head in her hands. In one instant she had lost the two men in her life who mattered to each other.
"What is this grief?" she whispered to herself. "I can't take it. Mikagami – Mikagami – you're dead? And Raiha is gone." She didn't know what to think, what to feel.
["It's like you're not a part of my life."]
But she loved him. With all her heart. She loved him more than life itself.
She sat straight upright. She loved him more than life itself.
"Mikagami Tokiya."
Her eyes snapped wide open, violet blur terror in the orange light. "No."
He stared at her for the longest moment. She was too confused to think coherently. "But what – why – how – why? You killed him?"
"I killed him."
"What the – !" She spat out an expletive. "How could you? He was our friend! What were you thinking? Are you mad?"
"Kurei told me to," he said simply.
"Kurei told you to! I suppose that makes it okay! You monster! You just killed my closest friend!"
He grabbed her shoulders. "Do you think I wanted to, Fuuko! Do you think I am so cold-blooded as all that? But I am Uruha. I do what Kurei tells me to. I don't have a choice."
He saw that she was weeping.
"I cried for him too, Fuuko," he said softly. "I almost wanted to let him win, to let him kill me, but I wanted to be back home for you. So that you would not need to worry. So that you would not need to suffer Kurei's retribution. So that you could have a normal life."
"Is this a normal life," she sobbed, "when my husband kills my best friend? Are you going to kill me next?"
He shut his eyes painfully. "I love you, Fuuko. But if Kurei wants me to," he said slowly, "I do not have a choice."
"You do not love me – you lie! You are a monster!" Fuuko screamed, insane. "You are no human!"
"Will you just shut up, woman, and listen to me for once!" he yelled back, hoarse. "Do you think I want to live this way? Do you think I do not question myself too? Do you think I enjoy all this killing, all this cruelty?
"There is nothing more I want than to have a simple life, with a beautiful wife by my side. But I can't. Because I am Uruha. I've tried to protect you, Fuuko, but there is only so much I can do. You know that Mikagami was going after Meguri. He would have died anyway. All I did was to make it faster. And less painful."
"You killed him," she insisted coldly. "You are a murderer. You, my husband."
He closed his eyes. "Yes. I, a murderer. I too have called myself these names. My guilt is more than you could ever imagine. When I married you, I was hoping for a life in which I would not have to face this terrible burden.
"But you know what, Fuuko? I don't think you care about me, not one bit. You wanted a puppy, not a husband. You're only interested in what I can give you – warmth, comfort, stuff like that. And for a while I was happy, playing along. But not right now. Right now I'm cold, tired, and dirty. I need a bath and I need rest and I need love. Instead, what do I get? I get a screaming, accusative woman coming at me right from the moment I step in the door.
"What does she want? She wants more time. She wants to know why I did my job the way I was supposed to. She wants to know why I don't think about her, although I do. What she doesn't want is to know what I think. Does she care? No."
Raiha stared at her. "You don't care, not really. You don't. You never ask me what I did in the day. You never ask if I am feeling alright. You never ask if I've had it tough. You never ask if I'm sad or if I'm upset or if I want to talk. You never ask these things. It's like you're not a part of my life."
She looked shocked. "But you were the one who wanted to separate your home and work lives. You said so yourself. You wanted to never discuss your day at home. So I agreed, and now you're accusing me of not caring? Excuse me, that seems a bit too much to me."
"Don't you get it? I wanted our home to be safe, to be ours. Yes, I don't want to discuss my day at home. But when I'm tired and depressed, I want to be comforted. Not – not asked about some stupid first-year birthday present!"
He heaved heavy breaths of anger, then turned on his heel and marched out of the apartment, slamming the door. "I'm spending the night at Kurei's," he told her. "And maybe tomorrow night too. And maybe the next."
He was gone.
Fuuko sank onto the cold floor, holding her head in her hands. In one instant she had lost the two men in her life who mattered to each other.
"What is this grief?" she whispered to herself. "I can't take it. Mikagami – Mikagami – you're dead? And Raiha is gone." She didn't know what to think, what to feel.
["It's like you're not a part of my life."]
But she loved him. With all her heart. She loved him more than life itself.
She sat straight upright. She loved him more than life itself.