Long Time Lonely
By Jillian Storm
(Disclaimer: Alas and did my story long end. To quote Tolstoy, 'All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way . . . there was no answer, except the general answer life gives to all the most complex and insoluble questions. That answer is: one must live for the needs of the day, in other words, become oblivious." Thank you to everyone who's read this in it's entirety. Special thanks to Alithea and Rissah for the support. Now, to someday be as insightful and verbose as Tolstoy. Or Catatonia. Cheers.)
Prologue
The show was over. The audience had warmly embraced the final performance and slipped back into the real world. Back to their own homes and patterned sheets. To wake in the morning. Slip on suits and dress shoes. Finding deeply hidden in the responsibility-levity, loosed by the lingering art in their spirits.
The cast had remained longer. Restoring order, reassembling the props and other technicalities. Broad grins and back slapping. Only a few specters haunted the halls as the lights left deep shadows when the revelers dismissed to rest. Rest before the next day's festivities.
She watched him glide across the stage having come out to finish his duties after the others had left. At ease and quiet with content. Crossing her arms, Juri walked closer to see more clearly the way he collected his equipment. One piece at a time, cradling the pile of odds and ends in the crook of his opposite arm.
She stood at the edge so that she could rest against the stage, leaning over slightly. Smiled, "Why are you still here?"
"This is where I belong." Mikage glanced over, hesitating a moment to see her. Although he recognized her voice.
"You say that so easily," Juri laughed mirthlessly, but not unkind. "How can you say you belong here and know that you do not better belong somewhere else?"
The matter-of-fact answer. "Because here is where I am."
"Are you coming tomorrow?"
Mikage unbent his form, and studied her from behind his glasses. The folds of his collar, his vest, elongating his fair features. Enhancing his ghostly appearance in the dim lights. "Are you?" He said simply, watching.
"Of course," Juri's response was quick, then she waited. Spoke again, "They are perfect for each other. And they've been together long. So long, that it seems like a distant dream when I was with him. Did that happen?" She shook her head with a crooked grin appearing just then. "Will this moment seem that distant in the future?"
"Moments make us who we are."
***
Amongst the cheers echoing to the ceiling of the Road Rage, Sanosuke Sagara's comment carried above the others, "Alright, you've smothered the bride enough, Spike-o! Come up for air."
Visible to everyone, Spike's cheeks lifted into a smile, even as he kissed his wife and partner. Pulling back only so slightly, he again voiced his feelings, "I love you, Julia."
"I told you it was a good idea to reiterate our vows here, in this place." She said softly, but no one would have heard for the commotion. Not even Ruka who, nearest to them and just on the side of the stage, had returned to replay his role as best man. As Spike's brow pulled together, she added quickly, "Not that the traditional service last weekend wasn't a good idea for the relatives, but this is our family too." Spike still frowned until understanding made her laugh gaily, "Don't worry, I love you too." Then whispered playfully, "I thought telling you that last week settled it."
"You were the one that insisted on doing this again in costume." Spike shrugged with mock innocence. A somewhat awkward shrug that made the metal plating of his stage armor shift. "And I'm taking this off as soon as possible."
"Couldn't you just leave on the chain mail, Arthur?" She coyly picked up his stage name. "It makes you look so . . ."
"You're fortunate that I meant what I said earlier," Spike said, holding out his hand onto which Julia rested her own, a flowing sleeve all that was between them as he escorted her past their smiling co-actors and into the Road Rage foyer.
Ruka followed a few steps behind where everyone was spilling into the center aisle. Faye ahead of the others. Still apparently feeling some of her recent stage manager duties as she hurried to pick up the additional train on Julia's dress. Shin watching with an amused expression even as Faye stumbled before righting herself. One of the few guests at this gathering that wasn't contracted or officially committed to the Road Rage. The other outside dates included Trowa Barton's sister and boyfriend, young Misao and one of Julia's friends.
"Seems like he's recovered from the bachelor party well enough," Kenshin said near the front of the mingling mass of people even as Ruka tried to gain everyone's attention. As the best man, he had been given the duty to provide guidance and instructions.
Ruka laughed, "It's Sano's carpet that has definitely seen better days."
"Aren't we all glad the rooster head hosted that," Sano added sarcastically, hearing the conversation.
"I seem to believe that all the fun was the rooster head's idea in the first place," Ruka said hurriedly, then did manage to gain everyone's attention. Speaking louder, "I don't think Julia could keep Spike in that costume much longer. Therefore, we're all to go to the Velvet ahead of them. Tonight the establishment is ours."
"They're never going to show up if that's the case." Saitou's sly and unexpected comment earned him a few dazed looks.
"Ignoring that," Ruka continued with a smile, "I've heard that the first round is on our favorite director. And we've got an open mike if any of you care to sing ever again after this last show."
"No one sings 'Memory'." Saitou added piercing them all with a glare.
Ruka chuckled, almost allowing himself to feel like part of the company. Almost feeling as if he'd never left, everything at the Road Rage came so naturally to him. Upon speaking with them, Spike and Julia had understood, offering to adjust their plans even as he feebly protested. Here he was accepted. Here he could set aside anything that disillusioned him forgetting that briefly with the sparkles of the stage and the spirits of the cast. Restoring much needed hope.
As the company thinned, moving on to their favorite International Velvet, he felt unusually comforted as each of them passed. Even the newcomers and Dorothy's smile refreshed him.
Only one expression remained cryptic. "You belong here."
"I'm sorry?" Ruka's grin relaxed slightly, confused.
"Just . . . I-," Juri kept some distance, "I suppose now isn't the time." She spoke quickly, "Shall we go?"
If you swing to and fro let your inhibitions go
They're crippling and useless
"How are you and Julia friends?" Cathy chuckled, leaning across the table, "I mean, I haven't seen anyone wear as much leather and large jewelry- besides Heero of course."
Heero glanced up as he heard his name and watched the addressed woman change from an high eyebrow listening expression to a dangerous, all encompassing smile.
"I was a ruffian no-good student, and actually what it was-I used to torment poor patient Shin to death, we were the same age you see. Julia was a good deal older than us, but fond of the guy, he was her neighbor, so she-well, she planted my best shiner." The girl ran her fingers over the closely cut dark hair, "With that one well placed punch, she became my hero."
"Julia hit you?" Cathy laughed, her mouth in an open smile.
"Yup. One, two, pow."
"So you idealized Julia." Trowa glanced over to the few couples who had started dancing to the music of a local band that was the newlyweds' favorite. "But what happened with Shin then, Hilde?"
"Oh, nothin' much," Hilde laughed, clicking her teeth against the metal in her tongue. "I had this little crush on him, it's his eyes you see. But the only way I knew to show it back then was to push him away. Seems that he found someone better at reeling him in." She waved to where the reporter they were discussing held Faye close.
Cathy chuckled some more, finished her glass, and slugging her brother on the shoulder announced, "I think this is our song bro, let's stretch these limbs. Whatcha say?"
"Well, I wanted to finish this and . . ."
"Wrong answer." Cathy shook her head, "This has three beat measures. You used to be good at waltzing!" Without hearing another protest, she dragged the auburn haired man from his place while chatting cheerfully with herself, "Should be at least some waltzing at a reception. And I want . . ."
"This isn't really a reception, Cath . . ."
"Sort of a fast three step pulse for a waltz, wouldn't you say?" Hilde never seemed to stop enjoying herself, amusement in each tone as Catherine pulled her sibling into the tangle of dancers.
"Hn." Heero nodded, realizing that the table was suddenly empty besides them and that he might actually be pulled into a conversation. Hilde had attached herself to Catherine while waiting for her childhood chum and her new husband, finding with Catherine a mutual interest in motorcycles. In that time, the most he'd found in common with Hilde was the tendency to wear black.
"We're not just going to sit here, are we?" Hilde's face expressive with disapproval. "Ask me to dance."
Perplexed, Heero looked around, "I don- . . ."
"Okay!" Hilde sprang from her seat, "I'd love to." After she grasped his hand from the table, Heero felt obligated to give the girl her dance. She was essentially an outsider as well. And he might as well enjoy himself.
I'll be your enemy if that's what you want me to be
Yeah that'll do nicely
"Wasn't that Barton's boy groping with a girl?"
Dorothy glanced over from where she and Nichol had become comfortable at the bar. She was leaning backwards from the stool, letting her shoulders balance against the counter's top. Nichol balanced likewise just to her left. "I don't think I'd technically call that groping . . ."
"Sure, that's interpretive dance." Nichol snorted into his beer. "How the hell did we get invited to this?"
"Why did you come?"
"It's free. Why did you come?"
Dorothy smiled, putting on a demure appearance, "For the romance." When Nichol tried not to choke, she added lightly, "To watch, of course."
"Biding our time before participating. Yeah, so what's there left to do with this crowd?" Nichol scoffed, his attention pulled passed the movement. Somehow finding her. Sensing the glow of the vivacious child having come into her own.
"Patience, Nichol," Dorothy leaned her head back so that the ends of her pale gold hair brushed against her bared shoulder blades, "I don't suppose you have any of that."
I know this world's got the measure of me
And I know that I'm not quite as sure as I should be
"Watch out or we're going to run into . . ." Catherine squealed, not feeling quite reassured as her brother wrapped his arm more securely around her waist as they playfully waltzed between the others and he easily lifted her around the next dancer, a tall shadow. Just as swiftly twirling her to the opposite side of the floor. Catherine barely had time to realize what he had done.
"Ah, well it looks like Sano's dancing now." Trowa pulled Cathy around, blocking her from other's view. "Did you want to stop or . . ."
Catherine sighed heavily, looking down, "I knew I couldn't avoid him here."
"That doesn't mean that you have to . . ." Trowa's eyes softened sympathetically.
"I don't know, I-" Catherine found her inner strength, "I'll be fine, Trowa. Thanks for amusing me, go find Heero and I'll track down Juri and get properly drunk or something."
"Sure?"
"Yeah."
And I know that I'm not quite as sure as I should be
Something about the way her bracelets spun around her slender wrists made him grin.
"Wow, there's a killer smile." Hilde flashed one of her own, "I don't come to the city often enough to satisfy Jules, but now that I know dark, handsome and Asian lives here, I might make exceptions."
"Well . . ." Heero turned to face her again, "Actually . . ." She was laughing at him.
"Are you normally the silent type?" The girl raised one decorated eyebrow, settling her arms on his shoulders. "That's cute. I talk too much anyway. So what do you do at the Road Rage, Heero-kun?"
Caught off guard by the way she addressed him, Heero found his tongue loosed, "I own the Glass House actually."
"The Glass House?" She tilted her head to one side, using the momentum to spin them around playfully.
"It's another theater," Heero rasped through a quiet laugh. "What do you do?"
"I'm a telemarketer."
Heero started, "A tele-I'd never . . . looking like . . ."
"You never know who's on the other end of the phone." Hilde snickered, "It's part time while I go to school I'm good at it to, I'll have you know." Then her eyes sparkled, "So how did you get invited here?"
"I'm here with someone actually. I'm seeing Trowa . . ."
"No," Hilde pulled back and Heero took his hands off her hips immediately. Then she laughed loudly again, "Damn. That's too bad really. I think that it could have been magic between us." She winked, before looping her arms around his neck again. He smiled, finding her enthusiasm contagious.
Life's such an irritant for a picture of innocence like me
Now what do you take me for?
"Where is Juri?" Catherine peered through the few people at tables. Saitou and Kenshin apparently engaged in some sort of contest at the air hockey table someone had brought along for the evening. For that matter, she hadn't seen Ruka lately either. He was supposed to set up the karaoke machine, and Trowa had become distracted taking the task upon himself with the help of the local band members.
"Who are you looking for?"
Swallowing didn't seem to do enough to clear her throat. Turning, Catherine tried to smile succeeding in getting her cheek to twitch once. "Juri. Have you seen her?"
"Maybe she's with Ruka." Sano said, putting his hands in his pockets and seeming uncertain as if he had done the right thing by addressing her. "Bringing in the happy couple."
The last words hovered unfortunately before Catherine could add, "You look well."
He shook his head, almost sheepishly, "I'm alright as long as I don't drink too much. I'm thinking about going to grad school."
"Oh." Catherine remembered what had been so intoxicating about his boyish charm as Sano fought his bashfulness and his blunt truthfulness.
"You look well." He tried again. His face turned away, but stealing glances awkwardly.
"I think . . . I think, we're both going to make it." Catherine tried to offer. Nodding, swaying a bit.
"Yeah." His smile came a little easier, if wistful. They both stood a taller as they heard an exuberant call across the establishment:
"SANOSUKE! Get back over here, you loser. You owe me for that last bet in our drinking game."
"Misao." Sano said, pointing behind him with a thumb. "I wonder if she'll forgive me?" He shook his head walking away.
Barely hearing his last comment, Catherine felt the lingering affection again, "She should."
And so much is waiting, oh waiting for me
My guaranteed cemetery
Ruka and Juri had made it as far as the foyer in silence when they both hesitated.
"Maybe we should wait for them?" Ruka said.
"Shouldn't take them too long." Juri felt the same distance between them. The distance that had been a long time forming, and she fought against it. Fought against her resentment and tried to find some thread of understanding. The lights buzzed to fill the first silence.
He was facing away from her, his clothes eerily pale in the neon glow of the front room. Nearer the desk he let his hand rest near the box of toothpicks. After the frustrating day at the hospital, Ruka had disappeared for weeks. Leaving her to wonder what had made him leave again. Not that she hadn't told him to leave in so many ways. Now that he had returned once more . . . she had promised herself to ask the questions.
"I've been thinking."
"Oh." Ruka's voice carried a gently sarcastic lilt. An amiable teasing.
"Yes." Juri continued. "I've been remembering how I felt when Spike tried to come back into my life. He didn't want to be with me. He needed . . . we needed to be free of each other. Freed to remember those years we had had together differently."
She watched him. Realizing that his blank back was not going to respond yet.
"Differently, because he loves Julia." She took a deep breath. "Are you back . . . do you . . . ?"
"It's not like that." Ruka half turned, pulling his chin over his near shoulder to smile at her sadly. "I haven't really loved anyone except you. It's not that . . ."
"I didn't think it was the same," Juri snapped in reply, "Not exactly, I . . ."
"Don't . . . you're so uncomfortable when I say that." He breathed a laugh. "Don't worry."
"Don't worry?" She found her words leveled with tempered bitterness, "You disappeared? You disappear without a word. Only to come back again and again. We've been friends too long for me not to deserve an explanation."
"Friends?" Ruka repeated, then changed the subject, "Maybe we shouldn't wait? They're taking longer than I thought." His voice strangely light compared to his somber face.
"If you came back to make sure that I'm not with Shiori, you're too late." Juri tried again. "I've already managed to shred apart any romantic relationship I might have had with her. She's beyond me now. Safely beyond me."
He watched her carefully. So carefully that she could not discern his reaction. "She not the same girl. You're right. Don't worry. She'll be fine."
"Then what is it?" Juri frowned.
Looking away, Ruka admitted, "I'm watching for you. You only. But I can't . . ."
Juri was distracted as Spike and Julia appeared in the near hallway, calling out. She couldn't remember how to balance her fear and her joy as both came colliding together. "Ruka!" She started as she turned back to see him quickly leaving the theater. "Damn." As she stepped forward, she felt pulled back to see Julia holding her shoulder.
Spike looked after Ruka and groaned. "He chickened out yet again, didn't he?"
"Of what?" Juri looked at him quickly.
The other two shared a look when Julia took the initiative, "Juri, if he hasn't told you-Ruka hasn't been visiting other theaters. He's been . . . ill. And has had a team of physicians researching his condition and providing rather experimental treatment at this point. Even as recently as these past few weeks."
"He what?" Juri asked incredulously ignoring the knot in her gut.
"He doesn't want you to worry." Spike admitted, sadly. "He's taken my advice too well."
"And what was that?"
"To do anything he could to keep you happy." Replied Spike, "And it seems that he can't quite figure out how to do that."
I know this world's got the measure of me
And I know that I'm not quite as sure as I should be
Sure as I should be, sure as I should be . . .
Catherine was surprised again when Heero laughed openly. He'd been quite more comfortable as the evening went on, taking less cues from Trowa and letting Hilde pull him over to the air hockey table for a second time when Trowa had to re-connect the karaoke machine after it was misadjusted by an over enthusiastic Faye Valentine.
She could also see the gradual progression of Trowa's lips to pull downward as Heero seemed more and more focused on the new girl. Perhaps it'd be healthy for her brother and Heero, since it seemed harmless. Still whenever Julia showed up Hilde might leave their company.
With that thought, she did see Spike and Julia slip in the front doors. She wasn't alone as everyone else in the Velvet seemed to turn toward the couple just as they walked in. All stopped whatever they were doing and caused enough of a ruckus that even Faye paused from attempting a Tori Amos song.
"Hey, Heero," Hilde sat down for a moment longer and leaned over to speak with her new friend as if in confidence although everyone could hear her distinct voice, "Who's the solemn looking woman behind them? I meant to ask earlier, she's gorgeous."
"Juri." Heero replied, smiling white against his shadowed skin. His reflexive response to anything Hilde said, even though he still seemed surprised that she'd address the question to him.
"You're right, she does look . . . I'm going to go check on her." Catherine dismissed herself, pushing through those guests intent on congratulating Spike and Julia in order to see the actor standing behind them still. "You've been a long time gone." She greeted Juri. "Want a drink?"
Juri, distracted, shook her head.
"Want to get lost?" Catherine suggested playfully gentle. "We could take a ride around the block on my bike or something. It's brisk out and then you don't . . ."
"Okay."
Glancing back at the others, Catherine smiled, "They'll never miss us."
I know this world's got the measure of me
And I know that I'm not quite as sure as I should be
Sure as I should be, sure as I should be . . .
"I talked to Sano." Catherine said. They'd stopped on the edge of a road that passed the lake. The moon was full overhead causing the surface of the water to sparkle welcomingly.
"Really?"
"It was terribly awkward." Catherine covered her mouth, "I'm so embarrassed. And ashamed. I almost wish I had never gotten into a situation where I would have to feel this way with him."
"Almost wish you had never met him."
Catherine shook her head, "No. Not that. I think if I were honest, that Sano reminded me that I might be able to love someone again. He reminded me what innocent love could be-or look like." She sighed, "Even if I spoiled everything for him."
"He'll survive." Juri said quietly.
"He will. I know he'll live." Catherine started the bike again, speaking a bit more loudly to compensate for the sound of the motor. "Once he's put me in his past, he'll make a fine life for himself with someone else. That's what reassures me the most. I haven't completely ruined his life."
"Once he's free . . ." Juri considered thoughtfully as they continued to drive along the coast line.
And I know that I'm not ever quite as sure as I should be
He pulled back his fingers from the well worn lines to read them again. Read the sentences that might as well have been poetry given her style of putting thoughts on paper. Distracted, incomplete. Full of reasons and almost without reason. She was as unable to be forward at times-as he often was himself. Hiding emotion behind clever words. Depending on the other's understanding.
Ruka
I've been a long time lonely, since you've been gone-
I've thought of you often. And what a mess I've gotten myself into at times.
But don't be afraid of yourself.
Read tea leaves, horoscopes . . . but don't rely on others to determine your future.
Don't be so hard on yourself. Don't be so easy on others.
(And if you die because you're thinking of me only . . .)
Remember how the high school theater smelled when we were children?
I'm not worried. You will do what is best.
If you choose not to be so hard on yourself . . . no.
Juri
"More Christmas cards and another letter," The friendly nurse peaked into his room, "How many letters does that make now? One a week?"
He took the mail with the hand that was not connected to the IV. Fingers that were much stronger than they had been weeks before. "One a week." He said, pleased that his voice no longer sounded as hoarse.
"She must be pretty special."
"Not as special as you, Kiki." His words made her blush prettily. She'd taken care of him diligently for several months and had come to like the young man. "Truthfully, she's a dear friend."
"Well, I'm glad she's watching out for you, sir." The nurse busied herself with the routine checks to which they both belonged. "Now that you've finally committed to treatment-and what a relief that has been for all of us here, sir, let me reassure you!-now that you're here for the long term treatment, it's good to have those letter from old friends."
He smiled as he read through the return addresses of his Road Rage family. Each of them sending support as they were informed. Then tore open the side of the envelope. After the initial letter, her subsequent letters had been brief. Each saying the same thing, which warmed him with the reassurance that she had come to understand him somehow. Enabling her to speak in words that he likewise understood.
Somehow without him ruining her life. Without him having to form the ideas into words. Not knowing how to do that anyway.
"Ruka- Don't worry."
By Jillian Storm
(Disclaimer: Alas and did my story long end. To quote Tolstoy, 'All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way . . . there was no answer, except the general answer life gives to all the most complex and insoluble questions. That answer is: one must live for the needs of the day, in other words, become oblivious." Thank you to everyone who's read this in it's entirety. Special thanks to Alithea and Rissah for the support. Now, to someday be as insightful and verbose as Tolstoy. Or Catatonia. Cheers.)
Prologue
The show was over. The audience had warmly embraced the final performance and slipped back into the real world. Back to their own homes and patterned sheets. To wake in the morning. Slip on suits and dress shoes. Finding deeply hidden in the responsibility-levity, loosed by the lingering art in their spirits.
The cast had remained longer. Restoring order, reassembling the props and other technicalities. Broad grins and back slapping. Only a few specters haunted the halls as the lights left deep shadows when the revelers dismissed to rest. Rest before the next day's festivities.
She watched him glide across the stage having come out to finish his duties after the others had left. At ease and quiet with content. Crossing her arms, Juri walked closer to see more clearly the way he collected his equipment. One piece at a time, cradling the pile of odds and ends in the crook of his opposite arm.
She stood at the edge so that she could rest against the stage, leaning over slightly. Smiled, "Why are you still here?"
"This is where I belong." Mikage glanced over, hesitating a moment to see her. Although he recognized her voice.
"You say that so easily," Juri laughed mirthlessly, but not unkind. "How can you say you belong here and know that you do not better belong somewhere else?"
The matter-of-fact answer. "Because here is where I am."
"Are you coming tomorrow?"
Mikage unbent his form, and studied her from behind his glasses. The folds of his collar, his vest, elongating his fair features. Enhancing his ghostly appearance in the dim lights. "Are you?" He said simply, watching.
"Of course," Juri's response was quick, then she waited. Spoke again, "They are perfect for each other. And they've been together long. So long, that it seems like a distant dream when I was with him. Did that happen?" She shook her head with a crooked grin appearing just then. "Will this moment seem that distant in the future?"
"Moments make us who we are."
***
Amongst the cheers echoing to the ceiling of the Road Rage, Sanosuke Sagara's comment carried above the others, "Alright, you've smothered the bride enough, Spike-o! Come up for air."
Visible to everyone, Spike's cheeks lifted into a smile, even as he kissed his wife and partner. Pulling back only so slightly, he again voiced his feelings, "I love you, Julia."
"I told you it was a good idea to reiterate our vows here, in this place." She said softly, but no one would have heard for the commotion. Not even Ruka who, nearest to them and just on the side of the stage, had returned to replay his role as best man. As Spike's brow pulled together, she added quickly, "Not that the traditional service last weekend wasn't a good idea for the relatives, but this is our family too." Spike still frowned until understanding made her laugh gaily, "Don't worry, I love you too." Then whispered playfully, "I thought telling you that last week settled it."
"You were the one that insisted on doing this again in costume." Spike shrugged with mock innocence. A somewhat awkward shrug that made the metal plating of his stage armor shift. "And I'm taking this off as soon as possible."
"Couldn't you just leave on the chain mail, Arthur?" She coyly picked up his stage name. "It makes you look so . . ."
"You're fortunate that I meant what I said earlier," Spike said, holding out his hand onto which Julia rested her own, a flowing sleeve all that was between them as he escorted her past their smiling co-actors and into the Road Rage foyer.
Ruka followed a few steps behind where everyone was spilling into the center aisle. Faye ahead of the others. Still apparently feeling some of her recent stage manager duties as she hurried to pick up the additional train on Julia's dress. Shin watching with an amused expression even as Faye stumbled before righting herself. One of the few guests at this gathering that wasn't contracted or officially committed to the Road Rage. The other outside dates included Trowa Barton's sister and boyfriend, young Misao and one of Julia's friends.
"Seems like he's recovered from the bachelor party well enough," Kenshin said near the front of the mingling mass of people even as Ruka tried to gain everyone's attention. As the best man, he had been given the duty to provide guidance and instructions.
Ruka laughed, "It's Sano's carpet that has definitely seen better days."
"Aren't we all glad the rooster head hosted that," Sano added sarcastically, hearing the conversation.
"I seem to believe that all the fun was the rooster head's idea in the first place," Ruka said hurriedly, then did manage to gain everyone's attention. Speaking louder, "I don't think Julia could keep Spike in that costume much longer. Therefore, we're all to go to the Velvet ahead of them. Tonight the establishment is ours."
"They're never going to show up if that's the case." Saitou's sly and unexpected comment earned him a few dazed looks.
"Ignoring that," Ruka continued with a smile, "I've heard that the first round is on our favorite director. And we've got an open mike if any of you care to sing ever again after this last show."
"No one sings 'Memory'." Saitou added piercing them all with a glare.
Ruka chuckled, almost allowing himself to feel like part of the company. Almost feeling as if he'd never left, everything at the Road Rage came so naturally to him. Upon speaking with them, Spike and Julia had understood, offering to adjust their plans even as he feebly protested. Here he was accepted. Here he could set aside anything that disillusioned him forgetting that briefly with the sparkles of the stage and the spirits of the cast. Restoring much needed hope.
As the company thinned, moving on to their favorite International Velvet, he felt unusually comforted as each of them passed. Even the newcomers and Dorothy's smile refreshed him.
Only one expression remained cryptic. "You belong here."
"I'm sorry?" Ruka's grin relaxed slightly, confused.
"Just . . . I-," Juri kept some distance, "I suppose now isn't the time." She spoke quickly, "Shall we go?"
If you swing to and fro let your inhibitions go
They're crippling and useless
"How are you and Julia friends?" Cathy chuckled, leaning across the table, "I mean, I haven't seen anyone wear as much leather and large jewelry- besides Heero of course."
Heero glanced up as he heard his name and watched the addressed woman change from an high eyebrow listening expression to a dangerous, all encompassing smile.
"I was a ruffian no-good student, and actually what it was-I used to torment poor patient Shin to death, we were the same age you see. Julia was a good deal older than us, but fond of the guy, he was her neighbor, so she-well, she planted my best shiner." The girl ran her fingers over the closely cut dark hair, "With that one well placed punch, she became my hero."
"Julia hit you?" Cathy laughed, her mouth in an open smile.
"Yup. One, two, pow."
"So you idealized Julia." Trowa glanced over to the few couples who had started dancing to the music of a local band that was the newlyweds' favorite. "But what happened with Shin then, Hilde?"
"Oh, nothin' much," Hilde laughed, clicking her teeth against the metal in her tongue. "I had this little crush on him, it's his eyes you see. But the only way I knew to show it back then was to push him away. Seems that he found someone better at reeling him in." She waved to where the reporter they were discussing held Faye close.
Cathy chuckled some more, finished her glass, and slugging her brother on the shoulder announced, "I think this is our song bro, let's stretch these limbs. Whatcha say?"
"Well, I wanted to finish this and . . ."
"Wrong answer." Cathy shook her head, "This has three beat measures. You used to be good at waltzing!" Without hearing another protest, she dragged the auburn haired man from his place while chatting cheerfully with herself, "Should be at least some waltzing at a reception. And I want . . ."
"This isn't really a reception, Cath . . ."
"Sort of a fast three step pulse for a waltz, wouldn't you say?" Hilde never seemed to stop enjoying herself, amusement in each tone as Catherine pulled her sibling into the tangle of dancers.
"Hn." Heero nodded, realizing that the table was suddenly empty besides them and that he might actually be pulled into a conversation. Hilde had attached herself to Catherine while waiting for her childhood chum and her new husband, finding with Catherine a mutual interest in motorcycles. In that time, the most he'd found in common with Hilde was the tendency to wear black.
"We're not just going to sit here, are we?" Hilde's face expressive with disapproval. "Ask me to dance."
Perplexed, Heero looked around, "I don- . . ."
"Okay!" Hilde sprang from her seat, "I'd love to." After she grasped his hand from the table, Heero felt obligated to give the girl her dance. She was essentially an outsider as well. And he might as well enjoy himself.
I'll be your enemy if that's what you want me to be
Yeah that'll do nicely
"Wasn't that Barton's boy groping with a girl?"
Dorothy glanced over from where she and Nichol had become comfortable at the bar. She was leaning backwards from the stool, letting her shoulders balance against the counter's top. Nichol balanced likewise just to her left. "I don't think I'd technically call that groping . . ."
"Sure, that's interpretive dance." Nichol snorted into his beer. "How the hell did we get invited to this?"
"Why did you come?"
"It's free. Why did you come?"
Dorothy smiled, putting on a demure appearance, "For the romance." When Nichol tried not to choke, she added lightly, "To watch, of course."
"Biding our time before participating. Yeah, so what's there left to do with this crowd?" Nichol scoffed, his attention pulled passed the movement. Somehow finding her. Sensing the glow of the vivacious child having come into her own.
"Patience, Nichol," Dorothy leaned her head back so that the ends of her pale gold hair brushed against her bared shoulder blades, "I don't suppose you have any of that."
I know this world's got the measure of me
And I know that I'm not quite as sure as I should be
"Watch out or we're going to run into . . ." Catherine squealed, not feeling quite reassured as her brother wrapped his arm more securely around her waist as they playfully waltzed between the others and he easily lifted her around the next dancer, a tall shadow. Just as swiftly twirling her to the opposite side of the floor. Catherine barely had time to realize what he had done.
"Ah, well it looks like Sano's dancing now." Trowa pulled Cathy around, blocking her from other's view. "Did you want to stop or . . ."
Catherine sighed heavily, looking down, "I knew I couldn't avoid him here."
"That doesn't mean that you have to . . ." Trowa's eyes softened sympathetically.
"I don't know, I-" Catherine found her inner strength, "I'll be fine, Trowa. Thanks for amusing me, go find Heero and I'll track down Juri and get properly drunk or something."
"Sure?"
"Yeah."
And I know that I'm not quite as sure as I should be
Something about the way her bracelets spun around her slender wrists made him grin.
"Wow, there's a killer smile." Hilde flashed one of her own, "I don't come to the city often enough to satisfy Jules, but now that I know dark, handsome and Asian lives here, I might make exceptions."
"Well . . ." Heero turned to face her again, "Actually . . ." She was laughing at him.
"Are you normally the silent type?" The girl raised one decorated eyebrow, settling her arms on his shoulders. "That's cute. I talk too much anyway. So what do you do at the Road Rage, Heero-kun?"
Caught off guard by the way she addressed him, Heero found his tongue loosed, "I own the Glass House actually."
"The Glass House?" She tilted her head to one side, using the momentum to spin them around playfully.
"It's another theater," Heero rasped through a quiet laugh. "What do you do?"
"I'm a telemarketer."
Heero started, "A tele-I'd never . . . looking like . . ."
"You never know who's on the other end of the phone." Hilde snickered, "It's part time while I go to school I'm good at it to, I'll have you know." Then her eyes sparkled, "So how did you get invited here?"
"I'm here with someone actually. I'm seeing Trowa . . ."
"No," Hilde pulled back and Heero took his hands off her hips immediately. Then she laughed loudly again, "Damn. That's too bad really. I think that it could have been magic between us." She winked, before looping her arms around his neck again. He smiled, finding her enthusiasm contagious.
Life's such an irritant for a picture of innocence like me
Now what do you take me for?
"Where is Juri?" Catherine peered through the few people at tables. Saitou and Kenshin apparently engaged in some sort of contest at the air hockey table someone had brought along for the evening. For that matter, she hadn't seen Ruka lately either. He was supposed to set up the karaoke machine, and Trowa had become distracted taking the task upon himself with the help of the local band members.
"Who are you looking for?"
Swallowing didn't seem to do enough to clear her throat. Turning, Catherine tried to smile succeeding in getting her cheek to twitch once. "Juri. Have you seen her?"
"Maybe she's with Ruka." Sano said, putting his hands in his pockets and seeming uncertain as if he had done the right thing by addressing her. "Bringing in the happy couple."
The last words hovered unfortunately before Catherine could add, "You look well."
He shook his head, almost sheepishly, "I'm alright as long as I don't drink too much. I'm thinking about going to grad school."
"Oh." Catherine remembered what had been so intoxicating about his boyish charm as Sano fought his bashfulness and his blunt truthfulness.
"You look well." He tried again. His face turned away, but stealing glances awkwardly.
"I think . . . I think, we're both going to make it." Catherine tried to offer. Nodding, swaying a bit.
"Yeah." His smile came a little easier, if wistful. They both stood a taller as they heard an exuberant call across the establishment:
"SANOSUKE! Get back over here, you loser. You owe me for that last bet in our drinking game."
"Misao." Sano said, pointing behind him with a thumb. "I wonder if she'll forgive me?" He shook his head walking away.
Barely hearing his last comment, Catherine felt the lingering affection again, "She should."
And so much is waiting, oh waiting for me
My guaranteed cemetery
Ruka and Juri had made it as far as the foyer in silence when they both hesitated.
"Maybe we should wait for them?" Ruka said.
"Shouldn't take them too long." Juri felt the same distance between them. The distance that had been a long time forming, and she fought against it. Fought against her resentment and tried to find some thread of understanding. The lights buzzed to fill the first silence.
He was facing away from her, his clothes eerily pale in the neon glow of the front room. Nearer the desk he let his hand rest near the box of toothpicks. After the frustrating day at the hospital, Ruka had disappeared for weeks. Leaving her to wonder what had made him leave again. Not that she hadn't told him to leave in so many ways. Now that he had returned once more . . . she had promised herself to ask the questions.
"I've been thinking."
"Oh." Ruka's voice carried a gently sarcastic lilt. An amiable teasing.
"Yes." Juri continued. "I've been remembering how I felt when Spike tried to come back into my life. He didn't want to be with me. He needed . . . we needed to be free of each other. Freed to remember those years we had had together differently."
She watched him. Realizing that his blank back was not going to respond yet.
"Differently, because he loves Julia." She took a deep breath. "Are you back . . . do you . . . ?"
"It's not like that." Ruka half turned, pulling his chin over his near shoulder to smile at her sadly. "I haven't really loved anyone except you. It's not that . . ."
"I didn't think it was the same," Juri snapped in reply, "Not exactly, I . . ."
"Don't . . . you're so uncomfortable when I say that." He breathed a laugh. "Don't worry."
"Don't worry?" She found her words leveled with tempered bitterness, "You disappeared? You disappear without a word. Only to come back again and again. We've been friends too long for me not to deserve an explanation."
"Friends?" Ruka repeated, then changed the subject, "Maybe we shouldn't wait? They're taking longer than I thought." His voice strangely light compared to his somber face.
"If you came back to make sure that I'm not with Shiori, you're too late." Juri tried again. "I've already managed to shred apart any romantic relationship I might have had with her. She's beyond me now. Safely beyond me."
He watched her carefully. So carefully that she could not discern his reaction. "She not the same girl. You're right. Don't worry. She'll be fine."
"Then what is it?" Juri frowned.
Looking away, Ruka admitted, "I'm watching for you. You only. But I can't . . ."
Juri was distracted as Spike and Julia appeared in the near hallway, calling out. She couldn't remember how to balance her fear and her joy as both came colliding together. "Ruka!" She started as she turned back to see him quickly leaving the theater. "Damn." As she stepped forward, she felt pulled back to see Julia holding her shoulder.
Spike looked after Ruka and groaned. "He chickened out yet again, didn't he?"
"Of what?" Juri looked at him quickly.
The other two shared a look when Julia took the initiative, "Juri, if he hasn't told you-Ruka hasn't been visiting other theaters. He's been . . . ill. And has had a team of physicians researching his condition and providing rather experimental treatment at this point. Even as recently as these past few weeks."
"He what?" Juri asked incredulously ignoring the knot in her gut.
"He doesn't want you to worry." Spike admitted, sadly. "He's taken my advice too well."
"And what was that?"
"To do anything he could to keep you happy." Replied Spike, "And it seems that he can't quite figure out how to do that."
I know this world's got the measure of me
And I know that I'm not quite as sure as I should be
Sure as I should be, sure as I should be . . .
Catherine was surprised again when Heero laughed openly. He'd been quite more comfortable as the evening went on, taking less cues from Trowa and letting Hilde pull him over to the air hockey table for a second time when Trowa had to re-connect the karaoke machine after it was misadjusted by an over enthusiastic Faye Valentine.
She could also see the gradual progression of Trowa's lips to pull downward as Heero seemed more and more focused on the new girl. Perhaps it'd be healthy for her brother and Heero, since it seemed harmless. Still whenever Julia showed up Hilde might leave their company.
With that thought, she did see Spike and Julia slip in the front doors. She wasn't alone as everyone else in the Velvet seemed to turn toward the couple just as they walked in. All stopped whatever they were doing and caused enough of a ruckus that even Faye paused from attempting a Tori Amos song.
"Hey, Heero," Hilde sat down for a moment longer and leaned over to speak with her new friend as if in confidence although everyone could hear her distinct voice, "Who's the solemn looking woman behind them? I meant to ask earlier, she's gorgeous."
"Juri." Heero replied, smiling white against his shadowed skin. His reflexive response to anything Hilde said, even though he still seemed surprised that she'd address the question to him.
"You're right, she does look . . . I'm going to go check on her." Catherine dismissed herself, pushing through those guests intent on congratulating Spike and Julia in order to see the actor standing behind them still. "You've been a long time gone." She greeted Juri. "Want a drink?"
Juri, distracted, shook her head.
"Want to get lost?" Catherine suggested playfully gentle. "We could take a ride around the block on my bike or something. It's brisk out and then you don't . . ."
"Okay."
Glancing back at the others, Catherine smiled, "They'll never miss us."
I know this world's got the measure of me
And I know that I'm not quite as sure as I should be
Sure as I should be, sure as I should be . . .
"I talked to Sano." Catherine said. They'd stopped on the edge of a road that passed the lake. The moon was full overhead causing the surface of the water to sparkle welcomingly.
"Really?"
"It was terribly awkward." Catherine covered her mouth, "I'm so embarrassed. And ashamed. I almost wish I had never gotten into a situation where I would have to feel this way with him."
"Almost wish you had never met him."
Catherine shook her head, "No. Not that. I think if I were honest, that Sano reminded me that I might be able to love someone again. He reminded me what innocent love could be-or look like." She sighed, "Even if I spoiled everything for him."
"He'll survive." Juri said quietly.
"He will. I know he'll live." Catherine started the bike again, speaking a bit more loudly to compensate for the sound of the motor. "Once he's put me in his past, he'll make a fine life for himself with someone else. That's what reassures me the most. I haven't completely ruined his life."
"Once he's free . . ." Juri considered thoughtfully as they continued to drive along the coast line.
And I know that I'm not ever quite as sure as I should be
He pulled back his fingers from the well worn lines to read them again. Read the sentences that might as well have been poetry given her style of putting thoughts on paper. Distracted, incomplete. Full of reasons and almost without reason. She was as unable to be forward at times-as he often was himself. Hiding emotion behind clever words. Depending on the other's understanding.
Ruka
I've been a long time lonely, since you've been gone-
I've thought of you often. And what a mess I've gotten myself into at times.
But don't be afraid of yourself.
Read tea leaves, horoscopes . . . but don't rely on others to determine your future.
Don't be so hard on yourself. Don't be so easy on others.
(And if you die because you're thinking of me only . . .)
Remember how the high school theater smelled when we were children?
I'm not worried. You will do what is best.
If you choose not to be so hard on yourself . . . no.
Juri
"More Christmas cards and another letter," The friendly nurse peaked into his room, "How many letters does that make now? One a week?"
He took the mail with the hand that was not connected to the IV. Fingers that were much stronger than they had been weeks before. "One a week." He said, pleased that his voice no longer sounded as hoarse.
"She must be pretty special."
"Not as special as you, Kiki." His words made her blush prettily. She'd taken care of him diligently for several months and had come to like the young man. "Truthfully, she's a dear friend."
"Well, I'm glad she's watching out for you, sir." The nurse busied herself with the routine checks to which they both belonged. "Now that you've finally committed to treatment-and what a relief that has been for all of us here, sir, let me reassure you!-now that you're here for the long term treatment, it's good to have those letter from old friends."
He smiled as he read through the return addresses of his Road Rage family. Each of them sending support as they were informed. Then tore open the side of the envelope. After the initial letter, her subsequent letters had been brief. Each saying the same thing, which warmed him with the reassurance that she had come to understand him somehow. Enabling her to speak in words that he likewise understood.
Somehow without him ruining her life. Without him having to form the ideas into words. Not knowing how to do that anyway.
"Ruka- Don't worry."