Chapter Four – Sharing
It was a long time before Spike was conscious of anything. The first thing he knew, was the pain returning. At first it seemed distant. Then he felt something else. He wasn't alone here. There was another presence in him. He remembered. "Buffy, is that you?" he asked.
"Yeah, I'm here. You hurt," came the soft reply.
With a major effort, Spike took the pain and shut it off in a corner of his mind. "No point in sharing that," he thought.
After a while, Spike reckoned he had enough control to try opening his eyes. Very slowly, things came into focus. The first thing he saw was Dawn, curled up on a chair close to his bed. She was asleep. He was sure he hadn't moved, hadn't made a sound, but she suddenly snapped awake. "Spike, Spike, are you ok? I've been so scared I'd lost you too. It doesn't matter if you can't bring Buffy back. I just need..." It all became too much. She started to sob.
Spike wanted so much to put his arm around her; to quiet her tears, but moving was simply not an option. Then, the strangest thing happened. His lips moved, and he heard his voice. But it wasn't like the way he remembered his voice. It had an American accent. "Hey, Dawn," it said.
"What, who did that?" he said. Now that sounded like his voice.
But Dawn had stopped crying. She was looking at him incredulously. "B..B..Buffy," she stammered. "Was that you?"
"Yeah, Little Bit, she's here. I can feel her. Didn't know she could talk like that, though." Spike's voice was quiet, almost reverent.
Dawn fell on Spike, trying to hug him, but he cried out in pain, temporarily changing to his demon face as he tried to protect himself from the pain her touch caused him. She drew back, "Sorry, sorry Spike, I'm just so happy."
That voice, the one that was Spike, and yet wasn't him, answered. "I'm here, Dawn. But Spike's in a lot of pain. Even with his healing powers, it'll take a while. He's doing his best to make sure I don't feel it though. But sometimes, he loses control, like just now, and I know just how it feels. Let us rest a while."
Dawn got up, found another bedroom and fell down on the bed to cry herself to sleep. Except they were happy tears now.
Buffy was exploring. Spike was so wrapped up in the pain and not letting it out, that she was able to have a good "look round" without him getting in the way. She started by looking at his recent memories. She found what had happened to enable him to have his soul back. She didn't dwell on that. She didn't know what to think about it. He had suffered so much. He had suffered for her and for Dawn.
She relived his memories of the night she died. She remembered him telling her that he loved her, but she had never believed it. Not really believed it. I mean, she had reasoned, without a soul, what he calls love, can't be real. But now she knew she had been wrong. She recognised his feelings for her as being as real and true as anyone could want. And she was ashamed of all the times she had thrown his feelings back at him. Used him when it was convenient – when some extra muscle was needed, or when she needed someone to look after her family.
But to her amazement, she also knew that he understood the way he'd been treated. Despite his apparent arrogance and self-importance, he really felt that it was all worthwhile if he got to spend some time with her. The arrogant, self-confident attitude she remembered didn't mesh with these thoughts. Buffy began to realise just what a complicated person Spike was.
Now she was up to date, she started to explore the extent of his injuries. There was hardly a bone left unbroken, he had lost a lot of blood, and his healing power seemed to be held back, somehow. She would have to think about that. In the meantime, she opened his eyes and spoke to Dawn. "Dawn, he needs some blood, can you get him some? You'll have to try to get him to drink it somehow. He's buried off in a corner of his mind, and he's not thinking very straight."
Dawn jumped up to get the blood. It came from the fridge, but by the time she brought it back, it was already blood heat.
Buffy took control of Spike's body as Dawn helped him up a bit. He drank the blood and slumped back down. "Eeuugh, that has got to be the grossest experience of my life," moaned the voice that wasn't Spike. And despite everything, Dawn laughed.
Buffy continued to explore. She concentrated on a single broken bone. To her surprise, she felt some energy leave her essence and the bone began to heal. She moved to another injury, and another. He wasn't healing instantaneously, but the effect was quite noticeable. She tried something different. She concentrated on his body as a whole and felt the healing energy radiate from her to every part of him. She felt a general relaxation in his body as the pain lessened.
Dawn found the next couple of days a trial. She was so happy and she wanted to talk, but Spike needed sleep. He needed time to heal. She spent some more time communicating with Tara, and that helped a little. Three days after the end of the ordeal, Spike woke up and managed to pull himself up to sitting. He looked so tired, so pale, but the injuries were obviously healing. He smiled at her. "How about some blood, pet?" he asked. "Don't worry if it's cold, I just need to eat now."
She jumped up, happy to have something to do. "Don't worry, it's cold when it comes from the fridge, but by the time I get back, it's quite warm."
"How do you know that?" he asked, puzzled.
"Buffy and I've been feeding you regularly. She said you were too far out of it to notice."
"Did she now?" he smiled. It was nice to think the sisters had been looking after him.
"Yeah," said Spike's other voice. "And you've got to believe I didn't enjoy it one bit. I mean, drinking blood.... Eeuugh! So, if you don't mind, I'm going to hide for a bit while you drink that. Then, if you're up to it, we should have a chat."
While Spike ate, Buffy did some thinking. It was the strangest thing she'd ever experienced. She was inhabiting a body that wasn't hers. It was so different. Aside from the fact that it was a dead body, it was a man's body. Now that was interesting. In common with most people, she'd often wondered what it felt like to be the opposite sex, but now she had a good idea. She resisted the idea of experimenting a bit – at least until his body had healed. She felt Spike's energy levels increase and realised he had finished his meal.
"Miss me?" she asked.
"More than you know," came the internal reply.
Dawn shouted, "Of course I missed you, Buffy. It's been so hard without you. If it hadn't been for Spike, I don't know how I'd have coped. Y'know, he checked I got to school every day, and made sure I got home afterwards. And he let me talk about you, even though it upset him. I was so scared when I knew he might die trying to bring you back. I don't know what I'd have done if I'd lost him too!"
Spike looked embarrassed. His other voice answered, "One advantage of being in here with him is that I can share his memories. I know how much he's done, and I really am grateful."
There was a strange quality to the voice. Almost as if Buffy was amazed by what she had discovered.
"Ok, you two. You Summers women always talk too much. It's bad enough normally, but one of you even has control of my voice now, so I can hardly get a word in edgeways! Listen, don't get the idea I've gone soft, cos I haven't. Anything I did was for purely selfish reasons." Spike growled with something like his old, cocky attitude.
"Yeah," smiled Dawn, "You're the most selfish person I've ever met." She leaned forward and gave him a huge hug, which Spike returned, although, he wasn't sure which occupant of the body was responsible for that!
Buffy felt Spike's response to the hug. While she moved his arms to hug her sister, she sensed him holding back, not wanting to get too close. Then she noticed the familiar scent. "She smells like I used to," she thought to Spike.
"I know," Spike thought back and tried to close the connection between them. "You really did love me, didn't you Spike?"
"Told you often enough," he managed to make the thought seem menacing.
"I know," Buffy thought back, sadly, "I guess I just didn't want to believe. It was easier to think it wasn't real. I'm sorry, Spike, I really am. I didn't treat you very well."
"Listen, Slayer, you treated me better than I deserved. But, look, we'll get you back home, back into your body, then, if you like, I'll leave town. Don't want you worrying about my feelings any more," Spike sounded like he was making a speech he'd planned.
"Let's just take things one at a time," Buffy thought back. Despite his attempts to hide the fact, it was painfully obvious to Buffy that he loved her more that ever. And she could no longer deny that she cared for him. And she was pretty sure the soul didn't make a lot of difference.