Chapter 6 - Separation

Over the next few weeks, the gang gradually started to accept Buffy's presence. It was still obvious to Spike that they considered him to be an outsider. It saddened him because he believed that without their support, Buffy could never admit to loving him. And yet when he explored her consciousness, he got part ideas and thoughts that suggested that she did care about him. He was sure she was shielding that part of her though - maybe just so as not to hurt him further while she was in residence. Buffy, however, was only too aware of how Spike felt. He had been open about his feelings for so long, he couldn't hide them now. It made Buffy feel warm and safe and loved. And she knew she wouldn't feel that way when she reverted to her own body. Then she'd have to decide how much she cared for Spike and whether the opinion of her friends was as important as it had been before.

Patrolling was interesting. She had Spike's physical strength, but she also had her attitude and her style of doing things. The first time Spike changed and let his demon loose, Buffy felt completely overwhelmed. They were attacked by three vampires at once, and although the fight started with human Spike in control, he quickly realised he had to give rein to the demon. She felt it come to the fore, experienced the enhanced senses which came along with the change and revelled in the total absence of conscience. The next few minutes passed in a complete blur. Afterwards she could remember no details, but the exhilaration of fighting with the demon in control remained. She was stunned. When he reverted, Spike gently sought out Buffy's presence; half-afraid she would be revolted by what she had seen. "Is it always like that?" she asked him.

"More or less," he replied.

"How do you get back in control?"

"S'not easy, love. I've had a bit of practice. And I'm really not fond of having my head feel like someone used an axe on it. That's a bit of an incentive."

"Some vampires always seem to be in game face. Is that because they can't control it?" Buffy questioned. "Especially the newly risen ones. I've never seen one of those not in game face. Of course, a Slayer in the locality might account for that."

"Yeah," Spike thought back. "Some vampires never control the demon. Some never try. I found early on, it's a better unlife if you have both. As a demon, it's all about feeding, hurting and killing. When the demon's subdued you can enjoy other things."

The next time Spike reverted to demon face while they were fighting, Buffy knew what to expect. This time, she tried to control the bloodlust, but Spike gently pushed her mentally. "Don't, Buffy," he warned her. "You're just throwing me off balance. I can control it when I need to."

A few minutes later he proved that, when, after staking the last vampire in the group, a man suddenly appeared from behind a headstone and ran. Buffy felt the demon respond to the 'food' signals Spikes senses were receiving. She felt the effort of will he had to use to return to human face and remain where he was, instead of giving chase.

When the patrol was finished, Spike suggested a trip out. "Dawn's with the wiccas," he reasoned. "And there's something I'd really like to do tonight."

Buffy agreed, intrigued. Spike was shielding what he intended, and she didn't try to get beyond the barrier he had erected. Spike retrieved his car and headed out of Sunnydale. After an hour, he pulled off the main road and headed up into the hills. The road was narrow and obviously not well used. Twenty minutes later they came to the top of a hill. Spike parked the car and got out, walking into the darkness. Ahead was a view of the ocean. It was beautiful. Buffy felt Spike's body relax to the sound of waves hitting the rocks below. He found a grassy patch and lay down with his hands under his head, looking at the stars. "Like it?" he asked her.

Buffy was delighted. "Never knew this was here," she answered.

"Well, s'not well known. I come here sometimes when I want a bit of peace."

He lay there for some time, listening and stargazing. After a while they heard another car.

The second car pulled up, but no one got out. They both realised together that it probably contained a couple looking for some time alone. As he lay looking at the stars, Buffy asked Spike if he could change to demon face. "I've only felt it while we're fighting. I'd like to look at the stars through his eyes. I'd like to ... understand how it feels."

Spike mentally agreed and his face changed. He concentrated on not thinking about the 'food' in the second car, and suddenly became aware that Buffy was embarrassed. Listening carefully, he was now only too aware of what the couple in the car were up to, and he quickly returned to human visage to save Buffy's face. Buffy noticed that Spike had noticed what was going on by another means. Spike tried to subdue the arousal he felt, but Buffy intervened.

"No, Spike, please," she asked, "I'd like to know how it feels – as a man." The thought of her wanting to be a part of it heightened his need and he walked uncomfortably back to the car. A little later, Buffy felt his pleasure.

Over the weeks, Buffy learned to come to terms with the demon side of Spike. She admired the way he could control it. She doubted she would have been able to. She was intrigued by one thing – which she asked Spike about on the way back from patrol one night. "Why do I get a picture of a very irritated looking Slayer when you try to subdue the demon?"

Buffy felt Spike's lips curl into a smile as he thought back at her, "It's just as effective as the chip and a lot less painful. I just imagine how you'd look at me if I went back to killing. I've seen that look of disgust on your face – I just don't want it directed at me again."

The rest of the journey home involved a great deal of banter about whether she could ever make the face Spike had created in his mind.

Buffy knew she had to move on with her life soon. She had been with Spike for four weeks. She tried to sort out her feelings for him, but found she was very confused. She thought about her past. She thought about Angel and how she'd loved him. It had hurt her so much when he left even though she now knew he had made the right decision. Then there was Riley. She had cared a great deal about him. She had tried so hard to love him – she'd even convinced herself for a while – but she hadn't convinced him and so he had left her too. He was her one chance at a 'normal' life and she had failed. That didn't really help with how she felt about Spike. She knew she cared very much about him. She knew that life with him would never be normal. She didn't really believe he'd stay. No one else had. Spike was aware of all this and revelled in the knowledge of how much she cared for him while still being saddened that he knew he could never supply some vestige of normality.

Spike shared his feelings with Buffy too. She already knew he loved her. The depth of that love was so obvious she could have no doubt. Buffy could feel the obsessiveness Spike had had about Slayers. That was how it had started with her. He had come to Sunnydale simply to make her his third slayer victim. That changed slightly when he first saw her. He still wanted to kill her, but from that time he had wanted her too. Then he had been chipped. For a while he had needed the Scoobies. They had chained him up until he convinced them he was safe. From then he spent a lot of time with the gang. And that was the beginning of the love he felt now. It had built over a long time. It was no longer just a physical attraction – he just loved everything about her. He didn't even realise what was happening until he was in so far he could do nothing to save himself.

The decision to resurrect Buffy's body was made in the end by Dawn. They were sitting, one Sunday afternoon, Dawn listening to some music. Spike was reading. Dawn was obviously restless and said "Hey, Buffy, I wish we could go to the park, walk along the beach, whatever. It's such a lovely day." That caused Spike a spasm of guilt, because he was the reason they couldn't go. The other voice chipped in, "Let's get the gang together, 'cos I think it's time this Slayer could go out in the daytime." As she said it, she added a comforting thought to Spike. "Sorry, it's not your fault. I'm gonna miss this closeness."

"Yeah, me too," he replied sadly.

It was midnight at the cemetery. They had dug up Buffy's coffin. It lay unfastened, but none of them wanted to look inside. "Let's do this," Spike's other voice demanded. She started to chant, and the others eerily picked up the chant and continued. Spike felt her being dragged away from him and he fell to his knees. Even though this was the whole point of what he had gone through, he really didn't want her to go. The lid of the coffin moved. Giles stepped forward and helped Buffy out. "Boy, this seems strange. Look, I'm a woman again!" she quipped. Dawn looked at the scene. She was surprised how much it looked like the scene when Buffy died. Anya and Xander, Willow and Tara, Giles in tears – and Spike looking completely broken and alone. Well, she wouldn't ignore him this time. She started to walk towards him, but someone else got there first. It was Buffy. She had ignored the gang as they tried to hug her. She walked straight to Spike and pulled him back to his feet. There were tears in his eyes. Then she realised her eyes had gone misty too. She looked into his eyes and he seemed to understand that though they no longer shared one body, there was still a bond between them.