Chapter Nine - Letters
The next day, the Scoobies met to discuss what they had discovered. The news that Spike had a soul was greeted without much enthusiasm from Xander and irritation from Buffy. "I told you," she started to berate Giles, but he held up a hand.
"It never hurts to have corroboration, and I've made some progress on this place. There is a legend about a place, which doesn't exist in any dimension, but is a kind of hub, control room, if you like, for the whole universe. There are legends of it being possible to right wrongs there, but the legends also say that the risks are high. 'Any being without a pure heart and motives clear as air will not survive the request' is one literal translation of the original. I've asked the Watcher's Council and they've agreed to fax me over the original Greek, but it hasn't arrived. They did imply they have evidence for the existence of such a place.."
"Wow," Xander looked stunned. "Looks like maybe Spike was telling the truth, but we still need to make sure he doesn't use this to make trouble."
Buffy had had enough. She stood up and started towards the door. "Whatever you're planning – I'm not interested. I trust Spike. I didn't before and I was wrong. I know that now. You'll realise it eventually, just don't close your minds." She left, deciding to go to Spike's crypt. She hadn't seen him since the day before, and she just needed to see him. When she got there, it looked pretty much as she remembered it. No, wait, there were some things missing. His CD collection, some other bits and pieces. On top of the TV was a letter, addressed to her. She bit her lip and was surprised to notice that her hands were shaking a little as she opened the envelope.
Buffy,
I've realised that I need to get away. You know how I feel about you, so you know this isn't an easy decision. I know you care about me, but I also know you'll never love me. You deserve the chance of a normal life. I can't give you that and I can't take the chance that you'll make yourself believe you feel more for me than you do because of what happened. I don't want your gratitude and I sure as hell don't want your pity. I know I promised to look after Dawn, but maybe the best way for me to do that now is to let her sister have her life back. I've included an address – if you or Dawn ever need me, I can be reached by the firm of solicitors on the card.
I hope you have at least some happy memories of me.
I will always love you,
William Stevas (Spike)
Sometime during reading the letter, she had sat in Spike's chair, and now she realised she had tears running down her cheeks. She hugged the letter to her and started to sob.
Some time later, she fell asleep in his chair, still clutching the letter. She didn't notice someone coming up from the lower level of the crypt and gently putting a blanket around her before leaving again.
It was the hardest thing Spike had ever done. He saw how upset she was about the letter. It broke his heart to think he had caused it. Part of him wanted to waken her and tell her he'd changed his mind. But, if over a century of sharing your body with a demon teaches you something, it's how to control your actions.
When she didn't come home from patrol that night, the gang went off to search. Xander found her in Spike's chair, and gently carried her to his car.
Next morning, when he opened the shop, Giles saw that a note had been pushed under the door.
Giles,
I'm sure you've been verifying my story, so I assume you now believe I've got a soul and everything. I'm going home.... not that it seems like home now, but I need to get away. I've explained to Buffy. You might like to let the Watcher's Council know I'm going to be in their neck of the woods – you never know, I might even be of some use. I've enclosed a card – I can be reached by way of the firm of solicitors indicated. They know me by my original name, William Stevas. Take care of Buffy and Dawn for me, but don't let on where I've gone. Buffy'll be confused for a while if the state of my head's anything to go by, but she'll be ok in time.
Spike