Title: Shades of Gray
Author: Carrie (CaReYbEaRy@aol.com)
Disclaimer: I don't own Alias or any of the characters.
Spoilers: Season Finale
Rating: PG, but it will probably change throughout the series
Category: Angst, Romance, little action, little everything
Distribution: Anywhere. Just let me know.
Author's Note: okay, again, not much to say. I'm trying to make the stories have more substance. I know where I'm trying to take the story (for now, at least), and I hope you guys stick with it! Thanks for all your support!
CHAPTER 9
Vaughn sat in his apartment, sipping a beer, wanting to get drunk, but not having the energy. His meeting with Sydney today had felt like a punch in the stomach. He couldn't believe that she would consider, for even a moment, that he could be anything less than a loyal servant to his country. He knew that, as her handler, he shouldn't take it personally, but he felt like he was so much more than her handler. He liked to believe that, against all odds, they had become friends. Friends with potential to be a lot more. This incident felt like a giant step back.
He shifted his position and winced. His arm still hurt from the shot. Thankfully, he had been at work for such a short time, that no one had had a chance to say anything. Tomorrow would be another story. He jumped right back into his previous train of thought.
He knew he should be relieved. Especially because of recent events, he should be happy that they've taken a step back. They were getting way too close. But his heart was breaking, wondering what he had done to make her think that he could betray her, or his country. He pondered these thoughts for quite some time, slowly sipping his beer. He knew what he had to do, but he just didn't know if he could go through with it.
Sydney sat at home, alone, trying with her entire being to think of something to say to Vaughn that would make this situation better. She had nothing. She could deny it all she wanted, even reason it out that she didn't really mean not to tell him. Nothing made sense in her head; her thoughts were spinning around and bumping into each other.
The sad thing was that the one person who she really wanted to talk to this about was Vaughn. And he was the problem.
It had been strange watching him walk out yesterday. She wasn't used to seeing his back. She was always the one who left first. She tried in vain to think of someway to get out of this situation, and eventually she began turning on herself. Why didn't I tell him? She wondered. I didn't think he was the mole; I just blindly listened to my father. She thought. She had to make this better, she couldn't lose his trust. He was the only one that she could talk about everything with.
Sydney was suddenly jerked out of her thoughts, when Will plopped down next to her on the sofa.
"You okay?" he asked.
"Yeah, why?" she asked back.
"I don't know," he said, taking a bite out of the banana he was holding, chewing it and swallowing, "you just seem kind of sad, or tense, or anxious. I don't know." Will said, not having the words to describe her mood.
"I'm okay, just tired. I didn't sleep very well last night." She responded vaguely.
"Okay." He said. He got up and walked towards the kitchen. He grabbed a bottle of water out of the refrigerator and walked into the guest room, where he was staying.
Vaughn would have known that something was actually bugging me. Sydney thought bitterly, and then chastised herself for being so hard on Will. She found herself comparing him to Vaughn more and more. She knew it wasn't fair, but she couldn't help it.
The shrill ring of the phone startled Sydney enough to shake her out of her thoughts. She quickly answered it.
"Hello?"
"Joey's Pizza?" The voice said. Sydney's heart raced.
"Wrong number." Sydney practically shouted into the phone before hastily replacing it in its cradle. She was so relieved that he called her. She didn't think that he would. At least not so soon.
Sydney grabbed her keys and her coat and yelled to Will that she was going jogging. She ran out the door and hopped into her car, heading for the warehouse.
Vaughn stood in the warehouse, pacing slightly, trying to prepare himself for what he was about to do. He listened closely for any sign of Sydney. He didn't want her to surprise him. He wanted to be ready.
He heard her car door close, and straightened his tie, trying to look as professional as he could. He heard the door open, and then saw her appear before him, walking into the cage.
Her eyes were red, but not puffy. She looked like she was more tired than upset. She probably hadn't slept; neither had he. This thought boosted his spirits a little, knowing that she was troubled enough by this to lose sleep. He quickly banished these thoughts from his mind. He couldn't be thinking things like that right now.
Sydney approached him, launching right into a tangent. "Vaughn, I'm so sorry. You have to know that I didn't really think that. I—"
Vaughn put up his hand to silence her. "It's okay." He said, not looking at her.
"What?" Sydney asked, confused.
"It's okay. I overreacted. I shouldn't have taken it so personally." Vaughn said to her, taking a step back, trying to distance himself as much as he could from her, still not looking her in the eyes.
Sydney stepped with him, looking straight at him, even if he wouldn't look at her. "What do you mean?" she asked, not understanding.
"I shouldn't have been so upset. You had every reason to suspect me as the mole. Everyone was a suspect. I should have been more concerned with the fact that you with held something from me, your handler, than the reasons why you did so." Vaughn said, clarifying that this opinion came from Vaughn, the handler, not Vaughn, the friend.
"But there wasn't a reason why I didn't tell you my plans. I was just overwhelmed. You have to believe that I didn't really think you could ever be a mole!" Sydney pleaded.
"No, I don't have to." Vaughn said, not believing that he was being so harsh. "But it doesn't matter. I'm going to ask to be removed as your handler." Vaughn said, now unable to even look in her direction.
"What? You can't!" Sydney burst out. When Vaughn didn't respond, she went on, but in a soft voice. "Why are you doing this?" she asked, her voice small, not really believing that this was happening.
Vaughn's heart was breaking. This was his reason. "I've been getting too close to you, and I've let it interfere with my professional opinion." Vaughn said, trying to give away as little as possible.
"Vaughn, I can't lose you. You're the only one I can talk to, you're my friend." Sydney explained, tears brimming her eyes.
"I shouldn't be your friend." Vaughn replied. "I'm your handler. I should give you your counter missions, and leave. I shouldn't go with you on non- sanctioned missions. I shouldn't be upset by something that you were ordered to do. You shouldn't feel like your losing me. You should just accept that you'll be getting a new handler." Vaughn said softly, wishing that she would accept it.
"I won't survive without you. I won't have any one I can talk to." Sydney said softly, hoping that she could guilt him into staying. Her tears were threatening to overflow, and she willed them to stay in her eyes.
"You can talk to Will now. And you can still talk to your dad. The CIA doesn't want me as your handler anyway, it'll be good for both of us." Vaughn replied, trying to make it sound like he had other reasons for leaving.
Sydney nodded, knowing that she couldn't hold him back if there was something else he wanted to do. Tears began to roll down her cheeks. She bent her head down and wiped them away from her face. She looked up and blinked several times, trying to put up a brave face.
Vaughn exhaled when he realized that Sydney was going to accept it.
"Good luck." She said simply, extending her hand.
Vaughn was finally able to look her in the eyes, knowing that he didn't have to risk backing down now. "Thank you." He replied, taking her hand.
She quickly released his hand and turned around, not really believing that she might never see him again. She walked out of the warehouse, not knowing if she'd ever be able to go there again, without him waiting for her.
I hate to leave you guys in suspense, but don't worry, I won't have them apart for too long. This is, after all, a S/V fic. Please stick with me here, and thanks again for all your reviews!
Author: Carrie (CaReYbEaRy@aol.com)
Disclaimer: I don't own Alias or any of the characters.
Spoilers: Season Finale
Rating: PG, but it will probably change throughout the series
Category: Angst, Romance, little action, little everything
Distribution: Anywhere. Just let me know.
Author's Note: okay, again, not much to say. I'm trying to make the stories have more substance. I know where I'm trying to take the story (for now, at least), and I hope you guys stick with it! Thanks for all your support!
CHAPTER 9
Vaughn sat in his apartment, sipping a beer, wanting to get drunk, but not having the energy. His meeting with Sydney today had felt like a punch in the stomach. He couldn't believe that she would consider, for even a moment, that he could be anything less than a loyal servant to his country. He knew that, as her handler, he shouldn't take it personally, but he felt like he was so much more than her handler. He liked to believe that, against all odds, they had become friends. Friends with potential to be a lot more. This incident felt like a giant step back.
He shifted his position and winced. His arm still hurt from the shot. Thankfully, he had been at work for such a short time, that no one had had a chance to say anything. Tomorrow would be another story. He jumped right back into his previous train of thought.
He knew he should be relieved. Especially because of recent events, he should be happy that they've taken a step back. They were getting way too close. But his heart was breaking, wondering what he had done to make her think that he could betray her, or his country. He pondered these thoughts for quite some time, slowly sipping his beer. He knew what he had to do, but he just didn't know if he could go through with it.
Sydney sat at home, alone, trying with her entire being to think of something to say to Vaughn that would make this situation better. She had nothing. She could deny it all she wanted, even reason it out that she didn't really mean not to tell him. Nothing made sense in her head; her thoughts were spinning around and bumping into each other.
The sad thing was that the one person who she really wanted to talk to this about was Vaughn. And he was the problem.
It had been strange watching him walk out yesterday. She wasn't used to seeing his back. She was always the one who left first. She tried in vain to think of someway to get out of this situation, and eventually she began turning on herself. Why didn't I tell him? She wondered. I didn't think he was the mole; I just blindly listened to my father. She thought. She had to make this better, she couldn't lose his trust. He was the only one that she could talk about everything with.
Sydney was suddenly jerked out of her thoughts, when Will plopped down next to her on the sofa.
"You okay?" he asked.
"Yeah, why?" she asked back.
"I don't know," he said, taking a bite out of the banana he was holding, chewing it and swallowing, "you just seem kind of sad, or tense, or anxious. I don't know." Will said, not having the words to describe her mood.
"I'm okay, just tired. I didn't sleep very well last night." She responded vaguely.
"Okay." He said. He got up and walked towards the kitchen. He grabbed a bottle of water out of the refrigerator and walked into the guest room, where he was staying.
Vaughn would have known that something was actually bugging me. Sydney thought bitterly, and then chastised herself for being so hard on Will. She found herself comparing him to Vaughn more and more. She knew it wasn't fair, but she couldn't help it.
The shrill ring of the phone startled Sydney enough to shake her out of her thoughts. She quickly answered it.
"Hello?"
"Joey's Pizza?" The voice said. Sydney's heart raced.
"Wrong number." Sydney practically shouted into the phone before hastily replacing it in its cradle. She was so relieved that he called her. She didn't think that he would. At least not so soon.
Sydney grabbed her keys and her coat and yelled to Will that she was going jogging. She ran out the door and hopped into her car, heading for the warehouse.
Vaughn stood in the warehouse, pacing slightly, trying to prepare himself for what he was about to do. He listened closely for any sign of Sydney. He didn't want her to surprise him. He wanted to be ready.
He heard her car door close, and straightened his tie, trying to look as professional as he could. He heard the door open, and then saw her appear before him, walking into the cage.
Her eyes were red, but not puffy. She looked like she was more tired than upset. She probably hadn't slept; neither had he. This thought boosted his spirits a little, knowing that she was troubled enough by this to lose sleep. He quickly banished these thoughts from his mind. He couldn't be thinking things like that right now.
Sydney approached him, launching right into a tangent. "Vaughn, I'm so sorry. You have to know that I didn't really think that. I—"
Vaughn put up his hand to silence her. "It's okay." He said, not looking at her.
"What?" Sydney asked, confused.
"It's okay. I overreacted. I shouldn't have taken it so personally." Vaughn said to her, taking a step back, trying to distance himself as much as he could from her, still not looking her in the eyes.
Sydney stepped with him, looking straight at him, even if he wouldn't look at her. "What do you mean?" she asked, not understanding.
"I shouldn't have been so upset. You had every reason to suspect me as the mole. Everyone was a suspect. I should have been more concerned with the fact that you with held something from me, your handler, than the reasons why you did so." Vaughn said, clarifying that this opinion came from Vaughn, the handler, not Vaughn, the friend.
"But there wasn't a reason why I didn't tell you my plans. I was just overwhelmed. You have to believe that I didn't really think you could ever be a mole!" Sydney pleaded.
"No, I don't have to." Vaughn said, not believing that he was being so harsh. "But it doesn't matter. I'm going to ask to be removed as your handler." Vaughn said, now unable to even look in her direction.
"What? You can't!" Sydney burst out. When Vaughn didn't respond, she went on, but in a soft voice. "Why are you doing this?" she asked, her voice small, not really believing that this was happening.
Vaughn's heart was breaking. This was his reason. "I've been getting too close to you, and I've let it interfere with my professional opinion." Vaughn said, trying to give away as little as possible.
"Vaughn, I can't lose you. You're the only one I can talk to, you're my friend." Sydney explained, tears brimming her eyes.
"I shouldn't be your friend." Vaughn replied. "I'm your handler. I should give you your counter missions, and leave. I shouldn't go with you on non- sanctioned missions. I shouldn't be upset by something that you were ordered to do. You shouldn't feel like your losing me. You should just accept that you'll be getting a new handler." Vaughn said softly, wishing that she would accept it.
"I won't survive without you. I won't have any one I can talk to." Sydney said softly, hoping that she could guilt him into staying. Her tears were threatening to overflow, and she willed them to stay in her eyes.
"You can talk to Will now. And you can still talk to your dad. The CIA doesn't want me as your handler anyway, it'll be good for both of us." Vaughn replied, trying to make it sound like he had other reasons for leaving.
Sydney nodded, knowing that she couldn't hold him back if there was something else he wanted to do. Tears began to roll down her cheeks. She bent her head down and wiped them away from her face. She looked up and blinked several times, trying to put up a brave face.
Vaughn exhaled when he realized that Sydney was going to accept it.
"Good luck." She said simply, extending her hand.
Vaughn was finally able to look her in the eyes, knowing that he didn't have to risk backing down now. "Thank you." He replied, taking her hand.
She quickly released his hand and turned around, not really believing that she might never see him again. She walked out of the warehouse, not knowing if she'd ever be able to go there again, without him waiting for her.
I hate to leave you guys in suspense, but don't worry, I won't have them apart for too long. This is, after all, a S/V fic. Please stick with me here, and thanks again for all your reviews!