Chapter Three: Place For My Head
I was asking them about Sanctuary, details I hadn't been able to get while outside of it, when Adam walked back in, followed by a younger blond woman, Shalimar. Well, Shalimar, except older and in more leather. He, on the other hand, looked like I remember him looking, not older, which was disconcerting.
"I know I shouldn't be in here, but I just wanted to check on-" He stopped a couple meters for me. "You're up."
I didn't say anything but stood as well.
"Are you feeling better?" He asked, moving slowly towards me.
"Well, no more pain from the injuries I got running from the GSA. If that's better." I replied evenly.
Adam nodded, half-acknowledging the dig, but pressing on anyway. He was only a couple feet away now. "What about your abilities?"
"Don't worry, I've gotten control, no objects will be flying at your head this time." Well, not accidentally at least.
He shook his head. "That's not what I meant. I mean, how are they, I know you've had problems with them, I was just worried…"
I smiled, humanly animalistic, sarcastic and angry. "Well, isn't that sweet, you're sooo worried." I laughed. "But I don't know, don't you think it's a little fucking late?"
Adam looked as if I had slapped him, I thought to myself. Out of the corner of my eye Emma just looked shocked. It was similar to how Jesse had reacted in the Double Helix.
"I've always been worried about you. Always. How you're doing. What's happening to you. I'm sorry, you can't know how sorry I am, I-"
"Actually I can, know that is, that's part of problem. The thing is, with the knowing, there's the not caring. I know exactly how sorry you are, and I. Just. Don't. Care."
I was going to cry, damn it. I was so going to cry. I didn't want to. I was either going to cry or going to scream and neither would make me feel better.
"Listen…Can we just, just not do, do this, whatever this is. " I was dangerously close to breaking down in tears and found myself backing away, trying to physically distance myself from the situation. I backed straight into Jesse's chest. His arms came up to encircle me immediately, but instead of feeling trapped I felt comforted. The last time anyone had held me like this, this comfort…it'd been so long. Felt like forever. I could feel the gentle hum of energy boiling just beneath his skin, skipping between our synapses, telling me he wasn't quite human. My brain filled in the details, whispering to me that that made him safe. Except, of course, he was Adam's, which just made him impossible.
Adam reached towards me, laying his hand on top of mine, and said, softly, "Sina."
I pulled my hand away, growling softly under my breath. "Don't touch." I press harder into Jesse, who's standing there still and unmovable. His hands are still on my upper arms but now they're tracing soft circular motions with fingertips. Comfort.
"We…" Adam tried to start again, but stopped softly.
I continued, angry and undeterred. "We? We what? We need to work this out? We need to be a family again? You showed an utter disregard for family in what you did to me. In what you did despite my mother." I paused, collecting my thoughts, and pulled away from Jesse. If I'm going to do this, really explain, then there can't be comfort. Especially not from something of his. I started again. "She hated me, you know. She hated me until the day she died. Hated what I was. Some days, I could hear her thoughts, some days she almost left, those were the good days for her. Mornings I'd wake up, I'd be surprised she hadn't killed me in my sleep. I spent years terrified of her. Terrified of myself. Where were you then? Away. So far away. Being a scientist. Playing god. Not that I believe in god anymore then I believe in you."
I started to turn, but Jesse was there, peering at me in concern. He was concerned. Well, isn't that cute. I turned back. "Really, what did you expect? That'd we'd be able to put the past behind us? That calling me Sina and patching me up would be a dent in…anything. That I could ever feel anything but hate, and rage, and disgust at you. One thing my mother taught me well, to hate the things you're suppose to love. Am I suppose to love you? Uncon-ditionally?" My voice broke then, tears spilling out of my eyes like tidal waves. "You don't want that. The last person I loved is in a coma because of me. He was human, like you, you're still human aren't you?, and his body, it just couldn't take the strain. They- they don't think he'll ever wake up, but still his parents, such better parents than you or Mom, they have hope. They think that this is a test of faith, that if they have faith he'll wake up and be their son again."
I took a deep breath, straining for oxygen as the tears overtook me. I continued, my voice forced and breathy. "I couldn't bring myself to tell them that he wouldn't, that the only god in this is named Adam Zero, my dear, dear Father who isn't in Heaven, and that Chase would never ever wake up!" I was gasping for breath then, behind my tears, my stomach in cramps and my chest so constricted I felt it could implode on itself. My legs went out from underneath but I didn't hit the ground. Someone, I couldn't tell by any of my six senses who, pulled me to their chest as I sobbed, cradling me like a baby, rocking back and forth. I'd been carrying Chase's near demise around me my head for nearly three months, unable to cry or scream or break down about it. I'd been running from the GSA once again for over a month, Chase's sudden condition getting their attention. Now that I had broken, I wasn't sure I'd be able to put myself back together again. All I knew is it hurt. The darkness hurt, but maybe I didn't want to find the light.
I was asking them about Sanctuary, details I hadn't been able to get while outside of it, when Adam walked back in, followed by a younger blond woman, Shalimar. Well, Shalimar, except older and in more leather. He, on the other hand, looked like I remember him looking, not older, which was disconcerting.
"I know I shouldn't be in here, but I just wanted to check on-" He stopped a couple meters for me. "You're up."
I didn't say anything but stood as well.
"Are you feeling better?" He asked, moving slowly towards me.
"Well, no more pain from the injuries I got running from the GSA. If that's better." I replied evenly.
Adam nodded, half-acknowledging the dig, but pressing on anyway. He was only a couple feet away now. "What about your abilities?"
"Don't worry, I've gotten control, no objects will be flying at your head this time." Well, not accidentally at least.
He shook his head. "That's not what I meant. I mean, how are they, I know you've had problems with them, I was just worried…"
I smiled, humanly animalistic, sarcastic and angry. "Well, isn't that sweet, you're sooo worried." I laughed. "But I don't know, don't you think it's a little fucking late?"
Adam looked as if I had slapped him, I thought to myself. Out of the corner of my eye Emma just looked shocked. It was similar to how Jesse had reacted in the Double Helix.
"I've always been worried about you. Always. How you're doing. What's happening to you. I'm sorry, you can't know how sorry I am, I-"
"Actually I can, know that is, that's part of problem. The thing is, with the knowing, there's the not caring. I know exactly how sorry you are, and I. Just. Don't. Care."
I was going to cry, damn it. I was so going to cry. I didn't want to. I was either going to cry or going to scream and neither would make me feel better.
"Listen…Can we just, just not do, do this, whatever this is. " I was dangerously close to breaking down in tears and found myself backing away, trying to physically distance myself from the situation. I backed straight into Jesse's chest. His arms came up to encircle me immediately, but instead of feeling trapped I felt comforted. The last time anyone had held me like this, this comfort…it'd been so long. Felt like forever. I could feel the gentle hum of energy boiling just beneath his skin, skipping between our synapses, telling me he wasn't quite human. My brain filled in the details, whispering to me that that made him safe. Except, of course, he was Adam's, which just made him impossible.
Adam reached towards me, laying his hand on top of mine, and said, softly, "Sina."
I pulled my hand away, growling softly under my breath. "Don't touch." I press harder into Jesse, who's standing there still and unmovable. His hands are still on my upper arms but now they're tracing soft circular motions with fingertips. Comfort.
"We…" Adam tried to start again, but stopped softly.
I continued, angry and undeterred. "We? We what? We need to work this out? We need to be a family again? You showed an utter disregard for family in what you did to me. In what you did despite my mother." I paused, collecting my thoughts, and pulled away from Jesse. If I'm going to do this, really explain, then there can't be comfort. Especially not from something of his. I started again. "She hated me, you know. She hated me until the day she died. Hated what I was. Some days, I could hear her thoughts, some days she almost left, those were the good days for her. Mornings I'd wake up, I'd be surprised she hadn't killed me in my sleep. I spent years terrified of her. Terrified of myself. Where were you then? Away. So far away. Being a scientist. Playing god. Not that I believe in god anymore then I believe in you."
I started to turn, but Jesse was there, peering at me in concern. He was concerned. Well, isn't that cute. I turned back. "Really, what did you expect? That'd we'd be able to put the past behind us? That calling me Sina and patching me up would be a dent in…anything. That I could ever feel anything but hate, and rage, and disgust at you. One thing my mother taught me well, to hate the things you're suppose to love. Am I suppose to love you? Uncon-ditionally?" My voice broke then, tears spilling out of my eyes like tidal waves. "You don't want that. The last person I loved is in a coma because of me. He was human, like you, you're still human aren't you?, and his body, it just couldn't take the strain. They- they don't think he'll ever wake up, but still his parents, such better parents than you or Mom, they have hope. They think that this is a test of faith, that if they have faith he'll wake up and be their son again."
I took a deep breath, straining for oxygen as the tears overtook me. I continued, my voice forced and breathy. "I couldn't bring myself to tell them that he wouldn't, that the only god in this is named Adam Zero, my dear, dear Father who isn't in Heaven, and that Chase would never ever wake up!" I was gasping for breath then, behind my tears, my stomach in cramps and my chest so constricted I felt it could implode on itself. My legs went out from underneath but I didn't hit the ground. Someone, I couldn't tell by any of my six senses who, pulled me to their chest as I sobbed, cradling me like a baby, rocking back and forth. I'd been carrying Chase's near demise around me my head for nearly three months, unable to cry or scream or break down about it. I'd been running from the GSA once again for over a month, Chase's sudden condition getting their attention. Now that I had broken, I wasn't sure I'd be able to put myself back together again. All I knew is it hurt. The darkness hurt, but maybe I didn't want to find the light.