Clerks: The Cartoon- An Explosive Episode
The following television show is entirely fictitious. Any similarity to the history of any person, living or dead, or to any actual events, is entirely coincidental and unintentional.
Except where specifically noted otherwise in the cast and crew credits, all celebrity voices are impersonated, and no celebrities have endorsed any aspect of this show.
SWM looking for SF. Has deep pleasant voice. Call 180098956. Ask for the basement.
[Cut to a shot of Dante's room. The phone is ringing. A hand reaches out from underneath the usual pile of clothes and answers. There's some talking through the phone. Then Randal rises out from underneath the pile, holding the phone.]
Randal: [Hanging up the phone] Go to work today and open the store this time? Pffh..[ He throws the phone out the window and goes back to sleep]
[Opening theme]
[Dante is sitting at the counter of the Quick Stop, doodling on a pad when a small child bearing a strong resemblance to Randal stumbles in, flipping through a XXX magazine]
Little Randal: Are you Dante?
Dante: [Looking down at Little Randal, nods.] Yeah..
Little Randal: Umm, he told me to ask you, "What are you doing here?"
Dante: Um, kid? Tell him to come here himself if he wants to talk to me.
Little Randal: He told me to tell you that when you say that to say, "If I come to you, I would be abandoning my post at RST, where all the customers are dying to rent quality films like Navy SEALS, and what not. You're always telling me to WORK at the store, so, thus, I am working, or maybe sleeping, but I'm still at the store."
[Dante gives that slightly shocked look, then thinks]
Dante: HEY, WAIT!! It's only 6:30! [Gesturing to his watch] RST doesn't open til 11 o'clock!
[Behind Dante, you can see Randal holding a radio and a piece of paper]
Randal: Randal 2, ABORT MISSION. Five bucks will be given to you at noon.
Little Randal: Well.I gotta go now..BYE! [Runs out of the store]
"About Four Hours Later.."
Randal: [walks into the store] Good morning..[he takes some beef jerky and starts eating] Give me 5 bucks.
Dante: [looks suspicious] What for?
Randal: Um, 'cause I want it? [Holds his hand out for a bill]
Dante: Randal, do you remember the LAST time you said, "because you want it"?
Randal: Oh yeah.
[The screen gets wavy as they have a flashback]
[Randal is dressed like a scientist, and he's brewing a chemical.]
Randal: Dante, I need 5 dollars to finish my groundbreaking experiment.
[Dante's messing with the chemicals, wearing a dunce cap, in a diaper]
Dante: I have 5 bucks, but I won't give it to you 'cause , I'm the biggest idiot ever! [hands Randal a bill and chemicals explode]
[Screen gets wavy again and we return to the Quick Stop]
Dante: Do you have some sort of thing with making me sound like that? That's not at all what happened- you failed chemistry!
Randal: I told you before you couldn't handle the heart-shattering truth.
Dante: Do you even remember what actually happened?
[Randal shakes his head and the screen gets wavy.]
[Dante's car is on fire, and Randal is frantically searching for an extinguisher.]
Randal: [Runs inside the store] Dante, give me five bucks.. QUICK! [Dante hands him the money and Randal runs to the back of the store]
[He looks at two cans: one marked "Extinguisher" and one marked "Gas-highly volatile". Randal grabs the gas can, throws the five on the counter, and runs to the burning car. An explosion is heard just when the screen gets wavy again.]
Randal: No wonder I failed chemistry. [opens a bottle of soda]
Dante: Not only did you destroy my car, you had me fake my death so I would get compensation for the car YOU destroyed!
[Cut to a shot of Randal throwing a dummy dressed like Dante off a cliff.]
Randal: Yeah, so?
[Dante groans and buries his head in the counter.]
Randal: Hmm. That makes me think of that kid in the helmet.[Laughs a little]
Dante: What does the kid in the helmet have anything to do with your chemistry?
Randal: He was in the explosion. That's why he wears a helmet now.
Dante: [He groans] Why don't you open the video store?
Randal: I would, but since you just refused me five bucks, and tried to make me open the store, I won't until both situations are rectified.
Dante: Speaking of opening the store, do you have any nephews, by any chance?
Randal: Yeah, a couple, why?
Dante: 'Cause some kid came in the store saying stuff that you would've said.
Randal: [feigns idiocy] I have no idea what that's about.
[Jay and Silent Bob enter the store here, Jay is carrying a helmet around, and Silent Bob is wearing a bigger coat than usual today]
Jay: Yo, Clerks, did you hear what happened?
Randal: [not paying attention] Go away, Burn Boy.
Dante: What happened?
Jay: Some big guy with a hat and a old guy are gonna try to buy this cheap joint.
Randal: Tell Oddjob and Lex Luthor to take their business elsewhere, and enter the porn industry, like everyone else..[flips through an Asian porn magazine]
Dante: Randal, he's talking about Leonardo Leonardo and that guy with him that you think is a robot..Plug, I think his name is.
Randal: He IS a robot, Dante! He IS!
Dante: Whatever.. [While they were talking, Silent Bob was shoving things inside his jacket and that helmet] Hey, wait a minute! [Jay and Bob smile innocently] Did you say he was gonna buy the Quick Stop?
Jay: Yeah, I think..[Looks at Silent Bob] Did I say that? [Silent Bob nods.]
[Jay and Silent Bob leave the store, Jay giving them the horns as they leave. Dante gives a stressed look and we fade to commerical.]
The following television show is entirely fictitious. Any similarity to the history of any person, living or dead, or to any actual events, is entirely coincidental and unintentional.
Except where specifically noted otherwise in the cast and crew credits, all celebrity voices are impersonated, and no celebrities have endorsed any aspect of this show.
SWM looking for SF. Has deep pleasant voice. Call 180098956. Ask for the basement.
[Cut to a shot of Dante's room. The phone is ringing. A hand reaches out from underneath the usual pile of clothes and answers. There's some talking through the phone. Then Randal rises out from underneath the pile, holding the phone.]
Randal: [Hanging up the phone] Go to work today and open the store this time? Pffh..[ He throws the phone out the window and goes back to sleep]
[Opening theme]
[Dante is sitting at the counter of the Quick Stop, doodling on a pad when a small child bearing a strong resemblance to Randal stumbles in, flipping through a XXX magazine]
Little Randal: Are you Dante?
Dante: [Looking down at Little Randal, nods.] Yeah..
Little Randal: Umm, he told me to ask you, "What are you doing here?"
Dante: Um, kid? Tell him to come here himself if he wants to talk to me.
Little Randal: He told me to tell you that when you say that to say, "If I come to you, I would be abandoning my post at RST, where all the customers are dying to rent quality films like Navy SEALS, and what not. You're always telling me to WORK at the store, so, thus, I am working, or maybe sleeping, but I'm still at the store."
[Dante gives that slightly shocked look, then thinks]
Dante: HEY, WAIT!! It's only 6:30! [Gesturing to his watch] RST doesn't open til 11 o'clock!
[Behind Dante, you can see Randal holding a radio and a piece of paper]
Randal: Randal 2, ABORT MISSION. Five bucks will be given to you at noon.
Little Randal: Well.I gotta go now..BYE! [Runs out of the store]
"About Four Hours Later.."
Randal: [walks into the store] Good morning..[he takes some beef jerky and starts eating] Give me 5 bucks.
Dante: [looks suspicious] What for?
Randal: Um, 'cause I want it? [Holds his hand out for a bill]
Dante: Randal, do you remember the LAST time you said, "because you want it"?
Randal: Oh yeah.
[The screen gets wavy as they have a flashback]
[Randal is dressed like a scientist, and he's brewing a chemical.]
Randal: Dante, I need 5 dollars to finish my groundbreaking experiment.
[Dante's messing with the chemicals, wearing a dunce cap, in a diaper]
Dante: I have 5 bucks, but I won't give it to you 'cause , I'm the biggest idiot ever! [hands Randal a bill and chemicals explode]
[Screen gets wavy again and we return to the Quick Stop]
Dante: Do you have some sort of thing with making me sound like that? That's not at all what happened- you failed chemistry!
Randal: I told you before you couldn't handle the heart-shattering truth.
Dante: Do you even remember what actually happened?
[Randal shakes his head and the screen gets wavy.]
[Dante's car is on fire, and Randal is frantically searching for an extinguisher.]
Randal: [Runs inside the store] Dante, give me five bucks.. QUICK! [Dante hands him the money and Randal runs to the back of the store]
[He looks at two cans: one marked "Extinguisher" and one marked "Gas-highly volatile". Randal grabs the gas can, throws the five on the counter, and runs to the burning car. An explosion is heard just when the screen gets wavy again.]
Randal: No wonder I failed chemistry. [opens a bottle of soda]
Dante: Not only did you destroy my car, you had me fake my death so I would get compensation for the car YOU destroyed!
[Cut to a shot of Randal throwing a dummy dressed like Dante off a cliff.]
Randal: Yeah, so?
[Dante groans and buries his head in the counter.]
Randal: Hmm. That makes me think of that kid in the helmet.[Laughs a little]
Dante: What does the kid in the helmet have anything to do with your chemistry?
Randal: He was in the explosion. That's why he wears a helmet now.
Dante: [He groans] Why don't you open the video store?
Randal: I would, but since you just refused me five bucks, and tried to make me open the store, I won't until both situations are rectified.
Dante: Speaking of opening the store, do you have any nephews, by any chance?
Randal: Yeah, a couple, why?
Dante: 'Cause some kid came in the store saying stuff that you would've said.
Randal: [feigns idiocy] I have no idea what that's about.
[Jay and Silent Bob enter the store here, Jay is carrying a helmet around, and Silent Bob is wearing a bigger coat than usual today]
Jay: Yo, Clerks, did you hear what happened?
Randal: [not paying attention] Go away, Burn Boy.
Dante: What happened?
Jay: Some big guy with a hat and a old guy are gonna try to buy this cheap joint.
Randal: Tell Oddjob and Lex Luthor to take their business elsewhere, and enter the porn industry, like everyone else..[flips through an Asian porn magazine]
Dante: Randal, he's talking about Leonardo Leonardo and that guy with him that you think is a robot..Plug, I think his name is.
Randal: He IS a robot, Dante! He IS!
Dante: Whatever.. [While they were talking, Silent Bob was shoving things inside his jacket and that helmet] Hey, wait a minute! [Jay and Bob smile innocently] Did you say he was gonna buy the Quick Stop?
Jay: Yeah, I think..[Looks at Silent Bob] Did I say that? [Silent Bob nods.]
[Jay and Silent Bob leave the store, Jay giving them the horns as they leave. Dante gives a stressed look and we fade to commerical.]