A/N: Ok this may be the freakiest thing I've ever written. Or not. I dunno. It's borderline serious but the whole thing has a ridiculously humorous edge to it that I think you'll enjoy.
Ok, aren't you tired of all these stupid clichéd situations and characterizations that tend to happen in the HP universe? It can get very tiresome trying to find good original fics. So I've taken all these stupid clichés and put them into a story. Well, not all of them. But I've added a twist that changes all of that: Mrs. Norris (not me, the cat.) and Gilderoy Lockhart fall in love. What bamboozlement does this set off? We shall see. We shall see
Oh yes, also beware that this is a little more.raunchy than my other fics. Not that it's really horrible or anything. It just gets a bit dirtier. Note the PG-13 rating. Also, if you're gay, please don't mind any of the comments about homosexuality in this piece. They're not to be taken seriously. Happy reading!
Love Knows No Species and Clichés Never Know when They're not Wanted
Mrs. Norris trotted idly through the halls of Hogwarts, making her rounds. Things had changed around here, and she didn't like the changes. She was reminded of this as she walked by a familiar trio: The famous boy with dark messy hair and glassesthe girl who had once been hideous but was now an incredible beauty, with straight glossy hair and voluminous curvesthe ridiculously handsome blond boy who always had something witty to say
Hadn't there been a redhead in that group? But now the redhead stood alone in dark corners, plotting evil revenge on his former friends. She passed him next, and distinctly heard him mutter, "run his heart through a cheese grater"
Mrs. Norris scowled. She had once relished seeing the kids unhappy. But these were as close to real children she would ever have, as she had realized. There was, unfortunately, no Mr. Norris. O, how she longed for a Mr. Norris.
Another part of all these changes was love. The students were all falling in love. Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy had been a sickening couple for over a yearHermione Granger had the attention of every boy in school. Neville, who was so ridiculously homosexual that if he and a woman were the last people on Earth he'd choose NOT to repopulate, still glanced at Hermione when he went by. Even Hagrid and Madame Maxime had produced their own little Giantlets: Baquet, DeSaindoux, and Rubeus Jr.
For the first time in her life, Mrs. Norris was feeling jealous. She wanted the love of another, be it a cat or a human being. Filch had left her; he and Snape had been having 'quiet time' every Monday afternoon in the Quidditch Locker Rooms ever since Snape had caught Filch having a shower there. "Why is everyone in this bloody school a homosexual?!" she wanted to cry out.
Suddenly, not looking where she was going, Mrs. Norris bumped into someone's leg. She scowled up at them, then suddenly melted.
Gazing down at her was a lovely familiar facesmooth creamy skin, sparkling blue eyes, and the trace of a bright white smileit was Gilderoy Lockhart.
"Kitty," he said softly in his deep, beautiful voice as he knelt down to stroke Mrs. Norris. "Kitty, Kitty, Kitty."
A large, firm hand patted her head, and to her own surprise she found herself purring. Stop it! she thought to herself. This is disgusting! No one's made you purr for yearsand it shouldn't be this hideous, mentally retarded wash-up of a professor! Yet she was still undeniably and uncontrollably purring. She even stopped to rub the corner of her mouth against his hand, marking him with her scent. He's mine. I finally have someone who's mine.
The whole time, Gilderoy was muttering, "Kitty, Kitty, Kitty, I love to pet the Kitty. Kitty, Kitty, Kitty, I want to love my Kitty. I love my Kit, I love my Kat, I love my Kitty. I want to love it. I love to pet it."
This took Mrs. Norris over the edge. She was in love. And she wanted to voice her love. For the first time since February 30, 1973, Mrs. Norris spoke.
"I love you Gilderoy. I know this seems sudden, but I love you." Her huge yellow eyes beamed out of her skull like headlights, and he looked right back into them.
"I am a starfish," he said solemnly.
Mrs. Norris was confused. "What? I - I don't understand"
"I lobe my Kitten," said Gilderoy, and his face broke out into a huge smile.
At that very moment, Mrs. Norris really did feel like a Kittena young, beautiful Kitten in love.
It turned out Gilderoy had just been aimlessly wandering one day when he had found himself at Hogwarts. It seemed that fate had brought him here to find his lover, Mrs. Norris. Now it seemed as if they were attached at the hip. While a cat and a human could technically not get married, it was as if they already were. They had even made everlasting vows of faithfulness to each other. Well Lockhart's had just consisted of, "Kitten, Kitten, love to my Kitten," but Mrs. Norris appreciated it anyway.
The unlikely love of Gilderoy and Mrs. Norris was causing some changes at Hogwarts, however. Changes that had been needed for a long time
"Harry, this just isn't working out. I've realized a boy as attractive and utterly perfect as I am should not be gay, nor should be strictly attached to one person. Therefore I have decided to become the male slut of the school. I have missed the taste of feminine saliva."
"That's utterly disturbing, Draco."
"Disturbing it may be, my dear, but this is where it ends for you and me. I'm off to find my new female counterpart!"
Draco put his hand on the door handle to leave Harry in the dark, abandoned classroom, but Harry reached out. "Draco! Wait!"
Draco spun back around. "What Harry? What is it? Are you secretly in love with Hermione? Have your parents come back to life? Can you do wandless magic? Are you the heir of Gryffindor?!"
Harry just sort of sat there for a minute, staring blankly at Draco. "Wellum, no. Actually I wanted to tell you Professor McGonagall ran a personal ad in the Daily Prophet the other dayshe's apparently interested in hot, young blondes."
Draco's face lit up. "I've always fancied the older ones" And he turned again to leave.
"See you around, Malfoy, you great conceited prat."
"Get a life, Potter, you window-licker."
Draco smiled and crept out of the room.
Harry turned into a Galapagos tortoise.
Teeth were chattering throughout the Potions dungeon. It was particularly freezing today, and Snape was being particularly malicious. Neither Malfoy nor Potter had showed up for class, and this made him angry, but frankly, he hoped they wouldn't show up. Those two were sickeningly in love with each other, and he couldn't stand to see gay people in love. True, Snape spent at least an hour a week madly snogging Filch. And he had wanted into Remus Lupin's pants for as long as he could remember. But over the past week or so, Snape had realized he had suddenly become ridiculously homophobic. He could barely stand to even touch another man, let alone watch another couple go ga-ga over each other. Noit was Madame Maxime he was after. In fact, Snape had already drawn out plans for elaborate potions that could kill Hagrid in a minute without any evidence being left behind. O, how Snape wanted Olympe Maxime
Hermione wondered where Harry was for a moment, then shrugged it off. She didn't really care, she had Seamus and Dean to flirt with all class. She had found a way to unbutton her shirt under her uniform vest using magic and wanted to try it out.
She quickly fixed her Potion, then decided to casually undo her tie and lean over so Seamus and Dean could see straight down her blouse. But she suddenly found herself leaning over her cauldron, and when she looked down, her reflection was mirrored on the surface. She saw not the way she looked now, but the way she had looked several years ago in third or fourth year. She hardly recognized herselfheaps of chestnut waves surrounded a smooth almost angelic face with deep cinnamon eyes. There wasn't anything particularly special about the image, and Hermione found it creepy looking at her old selfit was like seeing a past life. She blinked and the reflection was her own again. But she was now gaping at it. Her face was coated in makeup and looked like that of a 25-year-old-model. Her hair was slicked down with gel, mousse, and several spells. Hermione suddenly began to cry. She didn't like the material girl she had come to be. She wanted the old, studious, shy, conservative Hermione back. Suddenly, she dunked her head into the Potion.
"NO YOU STUPID GIRL!!!!!" screamed Snape. The entire class turned to look at Hermione. She lifted her head out of the cauldron, her thick hair sopping wet. A quick drying spell performed by Parvati did the trick, but everyone had to stare when they saw Hermione.
The Potion had been a resuming Potion, which is used to fix botched spells and charms. Hermione's hair was once again bushy, her face without makeup, and she was quite red at the moment, embarrassed of her predicament.
Ron, who sat in the back corner of the room every day, looked up. He nearly laughed out loud at the wonderful sight he was seeing. He smiled broadly, and when he caught Hermione's eye, she smiled too. He felt the urge to run to her, so he did. She took him in her arms gladly.
"Welcome back, Ron," she said.
"Welcome back, Hermione."
Suddenly, Malfoy burst into the room. "I feel like killing a Gryffindor. How about you, you filthy Mudblood?" He glared at Hermione.
"Oh Draco!" Hermione said, her eyes filling with happy tears.
Snape was just about to dismiss the entire bizarre class so he could go poison Hagrid. But Harry finally entered the room. Hermione and Ron ran to him excitedly to see what he had to say.
"Hey you two," he said. "You all right, Ron? Haven't talked to you in a bit."
"I'm all right, you?" said Ron.
"Just fine," said Harry. "Hey, Hermione!"
"Hello!" said Hermione. "Did you realize you're a tortoise?"
Mrs. Norris and Gilderoy sat cuddling in Filch's office a week later, happy for the wonderfully strange things happening all over the school. Filch was over in the corner, hanging by his rusty manacles and being tickled by Fawkes the phoenix. Snape hadn't succeeded in poisoning Hagridthough he was able to turn him a lovely shade of orange.
Draco was off collecting girls somewhere. Sirius Black had showed up yesterday. He had apparently gotten a bad case of poison ivy and when he turned into a dog, he couldn't turn back again. He had delivered the news to Harry that his father had been a fat bloated Hufflepuff kid who wasn't really any good at Quidditch.they had just said all that good stuff to make Harry feel better.
Was it the result of Gilderoy and Mrs. Norris' strange affection that had caused the wonderful abnormalities at the school? Or was it just a coincidence? No one would ever be able to tell
"I love you my sweet chicken pea," said Mrs. Norris.
Gilderoy kissed her on the nose and replied, "I am a starfish.
end
Good Lord that was odd. A prize goes to anyone who can translate the French names of Hagrid's kids. Please review, everyone. I'd rather have criticism than nothing at allthough I'd prefer positive reviews. No flames though. They make me sad. In fact, they make me very sad. And if you leave anonymous flames I will track you down and beat you. I have ways
Anyway, if you're confused about the whole Lockhart/starfish fetish, read my other fics. You'll be even more confused. Oh well. As my dear Filchy would say, nighty-night