Hi!  I'm really glad that you like the story so far and thanks sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much for reading!!!  I'm sorry that I didn't post yesterday but I've had a lot of homework this weekend.  Anyway, I'm soooo happy 'cause I was invited on this trip to Rome and when I asked my mom she didn't say no!  She didn't say yes, but she didn't say no either, so this is a good first step! I hope I can go, it sounds soooooooooooooooooooooo cool!! =D =D

I hope you enjoy!!!! =D =D

~ Part Five: Shame ~

Obi-Wan:

          I came to when I felt a cold splash of water against my face.  I instinctively opened my mouth and lapped some of the liquid onto my parched tongue.  The water was so soothing in contrast to the suffocating dry air I had choked on.  A gentle hand touched my forehead and ran down the side of my face but it lacked the soothing touch of my Master.  Qui-Gon!  My mind suddenly came completely awake and my eyes snapped open.

          Doctor Ayla was sitting on the side of my bed with a concerned look in her eyes and a smile tracing her lips.  "Doctor…" I rasped, "Where's Qui-Gon?  Is he…?" the word caught in my throat before I could utter it.  I almost didn't want to know.  I didn't want to carry the blame for something like that.

          Her smiled broadened, "He's fine, Obi-Wan.  A team of doctors went looking for you and your Master when we realized that you both had disappeared and they found you just as you were losing consciousness.  We pulled you out before the fire reached you but Qui-Gon suffered some pretty serious burns.  Fortunately he is doing well and will make a full recovery."

          My soul soared but the pain in my chest didn't case.  The news should have eased my heaviness of heart but it didn't.  Of course I was relieved and joyful that he was alive but I was devastated and incredibly disappointed with myself that I had failed – that I hadn't been able to save him.  If it hadn't been for the doctors, he would be dead right now. 

          How could I have been so afraid?  If I had only run down the hallway and dragged him out we both would have escaped without burns.  I had rescued people from fires before and I had never been so afraid, so terrified.  The flames had never given me cause to tremble or panic.  I had never collapsed to the floor before – completely horrified and unable to move.  Of course, that had been before one had nearly robbed me of my life but still, I should have been stronger.  For my Master I should have overcome my fear.  Qui-Gon's life had been in my hands and I had failed him.

          I couldn't remember a single time when I felt more guilty or unworthy as I did now.  It was like a growing expanse of clutching failure, filling my heart with empty worthlessness.  He had almost died because of my fear.  He deserved a Padawan who would be at his side no matter what – not a coward who couldn't stand the sight of fire.  Force, would I be this terrified of it for the rest of my life? 

          "Can I see him?" I asked softly, almost pleadingly.

          Doctor Ayla hesitated but upon seeing the spark of determination in my eyes she relented, "Very well.  Just don't overdue it, you're still weak."

~~~~~~~~~~

          I stood in the doorway to Qui-Gon's room, almost afraid to enter.  Did he know of my failure?  Did he know what a coward I was?  What would he say to me if he did?  Would he tell me how disappointed he was in me or would he be gentle and understanding?  Would he tell me that we would work through my fear or would he be angry?   What if he didn't know?  Would I have the courage to tell him what had happened?

          "Obi-Wan," his gentle voice breached my thoughts, "why are you just standing there?" he asked softly, "come here."

          I slowly walked forward until I was standing next to my Master's bed.  Most of his body was covered by a thick blanket but his bandaged arms were resting on top of it.  The burns had most likely been treated with bacta and were now healing underneath the gentle cloth that surrounded him.  Ayla had told me that his limbs had suffered minor burns but that it had been his chest and stomach that the fire had directly burned.  He was lucky to be alive.  With the proper treatment and plenty of rest he would make it, with no thanks to me.

          "How do you feel, Master?" I squeaked, resting my hand on his rising and falling chest.

          He smiled gently in reassurance, "Fortunately I am in very little pain.  I am a little tired, that's all," he touched our bond gently, "how about you?"

          Force, how could he ask how *I* was after I had left him to die?  I had let him down, nothing else mattered.  I half-shrugged, "I'm okay."  If 'okay' was being overcome by a wretched, consuming guilt, then I was fine.

          Qui-Gon's smile faded and was replaced by a look of worried remorse.  "I'm sorry Obi-Wan," he said softly.  "I thought that I could get to the last set of patients but the fire spread faster than I thought and by the time I turned around to come back to you the smoke was too thick and I lost consciousness."

          I nodded but didn't speak.  Qui-Gon had lost consciousness in a noble effort to save lives but I, coward that I was, had blacked out because I had been too afraid to move.  My Master was always so brave; he never let anything stand in his way.  He needed someone who wasn't going to break down at the first bump on the road.  The guilt I felt was so great that a simple apology didn't seem like enough.  My Master had almost *died* because I had been too afraid to pull him out of the fire.  What sort of friend was I? 

          Qui-Gon was half covered in burns because of me.  Instead of helping with the wounded patients he was laying here in bed, recovering from wounds he never should have sustained.  It was a good thing that I couldn't see the injuries, that they had already been bandaged, because I doubted that I could have handled that.

          "I never should have brought you here," my Master interrupted my thoughts again, "I should have just taken you back to the Temple.  This is no place for someone recovering from such a trauma as the one you have experienced.  I'm sorry, my Padawan," he apologized again, "we will leave as soon as I am well enough.  You need to heal and you can't do it here."

          Was Qui-Gon *apologizing* to me?  Force, why in the universe was he saying he was sorry?  He hadn't done anything!  All he had wanted was to help people in need, that was all.  He hadn't nearly been responsible for my death and he hadn't left me in a fire to burn.  He had done everything in his power to comfort me since arriving on this forsaken planet and he was saying he was *sorry*?

          *I* was the one who needed to apologize!  Not him.  He had almost died because of my fear and I was the one that had to beg for his forgiveness.  He had nothing to apologize for.  He hadn't been the coward.  He had been the one willing to burn to death to save a few more patients from the same fate.  *I* had been the one paralyzed by the fear!  I had been the one to watch the fire creep over his body while I being unable to move, unable to help him.

          I kept my head bowed and my gaze low.  I couldn't bear to look him in the eyes.  I didn't think I'd ever be able to do it again.  Never again would I be able to meet his gaze without feeling the guilt and swimming in the shame.  Not after what had happened, not after I had almost let him die.  "Don't apologize, Master," I said softly, "you've done nothing wrong."

          Qui-Gon must have picked up something different in my voice for he frowned and sent a curious probe into our bond.  "What's wrong, Obi-Wan?" he asked softly.

          Oh Force, he truly didn't know.  The doctors hadn't told him, had they?  Did he even know that anything had happened to me?  He probably thought that I had spent the time I had been unconscious helping to heal the wounded, as I had at the other compound.  How could I tell him what I had done?  How could I tell him that I had been willing to watch him die?

          "Obi-Wan?" he questioned again, "what is it, Padawan?"

          I shook my head and quickly backed away from his bed.  I couldn't do this.  I couldn't listen to the gentleness of his voice.  I couldn't bear to hear the concern and see the worry on his face.  I didn't deserve it.  I didn't deserve any of it.  I didn't deserve for him to apologize to me.  I didn't deserve for him to be so caring towards me.

          It was childish and immature but without answering his question I turned and fled from the room.  I simply couldn't stand to be with the person who was apologizing to me when I had left him to burn to death.  He was the one I cared for the most in the entire universe and even for him I had been unable to conquer my fear.  He was saying he was sorry to a coward when he deserved a profuse apology from me that would never be enough for the deed I had committed.

          Obi-Wan! Qui-Gon exclaimed silently inside my head, using a tone of voice that almost stopped me dead in my tracks.  Almost.  Even a direct order wouldn't have made me turn around and return to his side.  I couldn't face him now.  I had to think.  I had to meditate and clear my emotions enough so that I could tell him of my failing.  I needed to be alone now – not in the company of the person who I had let down.

          I'm sorry, Master, I sent him a bundle of emotions ranging anywhere from guilt to remorse before erecting shields around my mind that would block out any of his attempts to speak with me.  Normally such an attempt to block him would have been futile but after being wounded I knew that Qui-Gon would be weaker than usual and that would allow me to essentially cut myself off from him, at least until he regained his strength.

          I rushed down the long hallway – heedless of the rooms that lined it, heedless of the wounded patients that filled those rooms – with no real destination in mind.  I had to get as far away as possible.  I had to escape from the memories, from the guilt.  I had to get away from the warm gentleness that my Master mistakenly offered me.  I just had to get away.

          By the time I regained enough control over my raging emotions to slow my steps and come to a stop I realized that I had absolutely no idea where I was.  This medical compound was unfamiliar to me and the hallway I was standing in was empty and devoid of life.  In fact, everything was cast in a consuming darkness that ate even the humming sound of the power generator.

          I was alone.

          Satisfied that no one would find me here I slumped to the ground.  Leaning back against the wall I tucked my knees up under my chin and let my eyes drift shut.  It was quiet here, so quite.  A perfect place for me to consider what I had done and how I would ever work up the courage to tell my Master of it.

          I had to think of some way to make up for my cowardice.  When I informed my Master of my unforgivable actions I had to be able to offer something that would… Something that would *what*?  There was no excuse for my behavior.  None at all.  All that was left for me was to work up the courage to look Qui-Gon in the eyes and tell him that because I had been unable to save him, he had almost died. 

          Qui-Gon was such a kind and caring Master though.  Even if he was terribly disappointed in me he would never abandon me.  He would sit down with me and try to help me overcome my fear.  If I woke up from nightmares every night for the rest of my life he would always be there to help calm my mind and ease me back to sleep. 

          Some would consider that a blessing but it was his very tenderness that would punish me the most.  How could I let a man that had almost lost his life because of me help and comfort me?  Every time I felt his gentle hand on my shoulder or was inundated with his support through our bond I would remember how I had failed him and how I didn't deserve everything he was giving me.  How would I be able to stand his caring when I had let him down so deeply?  How would I be able to ever look him in the eye again?

          It was my own shame and guilt that would never let me accept that kind of comfort from him because deep down inside, no matter what he told me, I would always know that I had failed him, and myself.

~~~~~~~~~~

          Colors swirled and mixed around me as I felt myself being pulled from one dream into another.  It took me a few moments to feel the gentle but firm tug across my bond with Qui-Gon.  He was drawing me into this dream.  I had often heard that Masters and Padawans with a strong bond could communicate with each other through dreams but Qui-Gon and I had never tried it and so the sensation was strange.  At first I wondered how he had broken through my shielding to do this but then remembered that in sleep my mental barriers automatically weakened.

          The mass of colors suddenly came into focus and solidified.  I found myself standing in the middle of my room back at the Temple.  I looked around carefully.  Everything was exactly as I had left it.  My covers were thrown into a bundle at the foot of my bed and a pile of clothes lay across the pillow.  I marveled at my Master's skill that he could create such a realistic recreation of our quarters.

          I heard a soft knock on my door.  I knew it was my Master.  Apparently I would not be able to avoid speaking with him.  "Come in," I called out.

          The door promptly slid open to reveal my Master's form.  He looked just as he had before being injured.  His arms were not bandaged and he seemed as strong and graceful as always.  "Obi-Wan," he greeted me, gesturing for me to sit down.

          I automatically took a seat on the side of my bed and moments later Qui-Gon had taken his place at my side.  "This is the first time you've ever shielded me from your mind," he said softly.  It wasn't a question or an accusation.  In his tone was nothing more than understanding.

          I did not look up.  "Yes, it is" I would never lie to Qui-Gon.

          He draped a gentle arm across my shoulders and I couldn't help but flinch at the touch.  Not because it wasn't welcome or comforting but because it only served to remind me of how close I had come to losing him because of my own weakness.  "For almost two months I have let you be, hoping that you would come to me.  After you ran off like that I realized that the time had come to speak.  I am sorry to bring you here in such a manner but I couldn't very well go after you."  He paused, "You know that you can always talk with me about your troubles."

          I took a deep breath and let it out slowly.  "I know.  I trust you with all my heart," I assured him, "but…I just didn't know what to say to you.  I still don't."

          He drew me against him gently until I was resting my head against his shoulder.  "Why don't you just tell me what happened," he suggested gently, "and then we can go from there."

          I took a deep breath, drawing on every shred of courage that remained within me, and turned to face Qui-Gon.  For the first time I met his eyes and stared deeply into them.  In those blue depths I found exactly what I had expected to find: concern and caring. 

          "When the first compound was set on fire," I began slowly but as soon as I had uttered the first few words the rest followed in tumbling torrent that was as much a relief to me as anything could have been, "and you never came back from trying to rescue those patients, I went after you.  I found you at the end of a hallway that had almost been consumed by the fire.  I wanted to save you but I was too scared.  I collapsed and lost consciousness.  If it hadn't been for the team of doctors that arrived, you would have been killed."

          The relief I felt in the telling of my secret did nothing to remove the weight from my shoulders.  I still felt as guilty as I had before.  Sitting with him like this, feeling his worry so clearly, made me feel worse.  I loved him so much and yet I hadn't been able to save him.

          "And you feel guilty?" he questioned.  He didn't sound surprised or reproachful at all.

          I nodded, "Of course I do."

          "Why do you feel guilty?"

          I shook my head, understanding the question but not why he was asking me it.  Surely he already knew that.  "Because I almost let you die," the words were choked and barely above a whisper but I knew he had heard them.

          "No," Qui-Gon touched my chin, as if to prevent me from looking away, "think carefully Obi-Wan.  Are you feeling guilty because you almost let me die and you think that you've let me down in some way, or are you feeling guilty because you were unable to overcome your fear and save me?"

          I shot him a confused look.

          "There is a difference," he assured me, "please think carefully before you answer."

          My Master was asking me to search within myself for the answer.  I closed my eyes.  The obvious reason, the reason that came most readily to my mind, was that I felt guilty because I had let Qui-Gon down in not being strong enough to save him.  However, I knew that that wasn't completely true.  I also felt that I had let myself down. 

          I touched Qui-Gon's hand, which was still resting gently holding my chin.  He wasn't disappointed in me.  I could feel that and yet it didn't alleviate my guilt.  My guilt, I realized, had nothing to do with my Master's reaction to this.  It was me.  It was the fact that I loved him so much but hadn't been able to save him.  It was the fact that *I* had left Qui-Gon there and let *myself* down, not that I had let *him* down. 

          I opened my eyes.  "I feel guilty because I almost *let* you die," I corrected, knowing it was the truth.  "I…I care for you so much and yet even to save your life I wasn't able to rise above my fear," I hesitated momentarily before taking a deep breath and adding, "I am ashamed that fire terrifies me."

          With his other hand my Master touched my shoulder and I had to stop myself from shying away from his touch.  I didn't deserve comfort from him.  I had been pitifully weak and I didn't deserve for him to still be so kind and caring towards me.  "Obi-Wan," his voice was so gentle and yet as always it held that teaching quality I had come to expect, "I could sit here and tell you that your fear of fire is completely understandable and that it doesn't make you a weaker person, but I know that it won't ease your guilt."

          He smiled and took my hand from where it rested on his so that he could hold it tightly in his own.  "You will overcome your fear, Obi-Wan," he assured me as if there wasn't a doubt in his mind, "because you're strong.  I believe in you," he squeezed my hand, "Failure is not being unsuccessful or being weak, it is a natural step in the learning process.  When you conquer your fear you will realize that it took every 'failure' you experienced to be able to be able to overcome it.  Remember this: if you never experienced failure, how would you know what success is?  If you never experienced fear how would you be able to triumph over it?  It takes courage to stand up to what scares you.  It takes no courage to do anything if you're not afraid."

          I stared at Qui-Gon, not fully comprehending what he was trying to tell me.  I had let my fear overcome me.  I had been unable to realize that fire was no more dangerous than it had been before it nearly killed me and my Master had almost died because of it.  I wasn't courageous.  I was a coward.  Qui-Gon's gentle touch only made my failure seem worse.  Here was the person who always stood by me no matter what happened and I had failed to save him.

          "It is our failures that make us stronger Obi-Wan, for they give us the motivation to rise above them and try again.  You will never fail if every time you fall, you rise up again."

          With those words the dream my Master had crafted vanished from before my eyes and left me alone to consider his lessons and remember my failures.

TBC…