Chapter One: The Shire 101
Disclaimer: Same as always. Check the Prologue if you either don't remember, or you actually care that much.
Author's notes: Okay, for any of you who read this right when it was posted, there was a Mary-Sue in it named Ruby. I took her out. *blink* Just for the sake of keeping this as close to the movie/book as possible.. No more rambling.
"Hey, Frodo, think fast!" shouted Pippin as he chucked a rather large stone at the unsuspecting hobbit, beaning him in the forehead.
"OW! For the love of Bob!" cried Frodo as he stumbled backwards, flailing his arms, and then landing on his tush in a pile of autumn leaves.
"Mr. Frodo!" Samwise Gamgee shouted in distress.
"I'm all right, I'm all right," Frodo Baggins said as he stood, a red welt appearing on his forehead.
"That just goes to show how bad Frodo is at thinking," Pippin said with a grin as he folded his arms. He felt the blow of a pebble hit the back of his head. "Meriadoc Brandybuck. You will pay for that!" he yelled as Merry ran off to plan a new mode of attack. Sam just pointed and laughed.
It was late September, and the Ring had been with Frodo for only one week. He was down in the dumps because of Bilbo's departure the previous week, and he had been sulking all day. Little did he know, his semi-happy and untroubled life was about to change dramatically. Right about… now.
Ten minutes after Saruman cast his spell, it took affect on all of Middle-earth, save Mordor and any country under Sauron's growing power. Every living thing from Eagles to Wargs were turned into juveniles.
"I'm little!" Pippin said, bawling.
"Well, this is certainly curious," said Merry, folding one arm across his chest and resting his head in his hand, a thoughtful look crossing his face.
"I feel… short," Sam said, looking at his hands for some weird reason.
"I wish Gandalf were here," Frodo sniffled.
"HAHA!" Saruman cackled. "Look at them! They are even smaller than before!" He pointed and laughed at the images in the Palantìr. "It is almost too easy to simply snatch the Ring away from some creature so little!" His laughter suddenly stopped and he glared at the floor, contemplating silently. He recalled his boredom with everything, and came up with yet another "brilliant" idea. "Yes, it IS too easy. Perhaps if I shrink my Orc army, it will lengthen the time of war and give me something to do." And so he chanted his idiotic chant again, and his wish was granted. He then proceeded to throw another Tupperware party. To the guests' dismay, there was no stripper this time. Not enough time to schedule one, you know.
Things were not looking good for the hobbits back in the Shire. Slowly, their shrunken brains were converting to that of a five-year-old. That night, the hobbits met at Bag End to have a meeting. Or to play a sporting game of Chutes and Ladders--no, no. A meeting.
Frodo began. "We are gathered here today to"—
"Bake cookies!" cried the others.
"Yes! Wait, no! Talk about the odd happenings, and THEN bake cookies."
"Oh."
"So, anyway"—the front door opened. The candles and the fire suddenly went out.
Everyone screamed girlishly and clung to one another. A gray figure, far taller than all of them, stalked into the room.
"The Boogie Man!" the hobbits screamed in horror, diving under the table.
"Oh, shut up." The fireplace burst into flames, illuminating the stranger's face. It was Gandalf. "Damn special effects turned off all the lights." The wizard was now 15, tall, and very thin. His face was patched with acne, he wore bold-framed glasses that were bound together in the middle by string. A metal contraption was in his mouth, dotting his teeth with silver things unknown to any being of the Shire. "Now," his voice cracked, and he cleared his throat, "Frodo, do you still have the Ring?"
"Uhm.." Frodo smiled innocently. "Do you have a cookie?"
Gandalf's brow lowered in annoyance. "This is a serious matter, not to be taken lightly. Master Baggins, get me the Ring!"
Frodo pouted and went over to an old trunk in the corner. After digging for about a minute, he produced a small, white envelope. He gave it to Gandalf, who then tossed it into the fireplace.
"What'cha doin'?" asked Frodo, bewildered.
Gandalf was silent. He took the little clippy things, as Sam would call them, and extracted the Ring from the burning remains of its envelope. He dropped it into Frodo's hand, and he let out a small yelp, immediately dropping it.
"You idiot! It is quite cool!" Gandalf snapped.
"No it's noooot!" Frodo cried, waving his burnt hand.
So Gandalf picked it up again with the TONGS and looked at it. "Markings," he muttered, cursing.
"Ooo. What do they say?" asked the hobbits, except for Frodo who had managed to shove his hand into his mouth.
"The language is that of Mordor, which I will not utter here," with a sentence as boring as that, the hobbits, having attention spans of a flea, tuned out. Gandalf explained a ton of stuff. He was staring off into space as he explained, and didn't even notice that the hobbits had placed a "Kick me" sign on his back, and baked cookies. Anyway, we all know what he's talking about so there's no reason for me to type it out, although this paragraph would have probably been equivalent to the explanation, and if I don't stop rambling it will be longer.
Gandalf turned his attention back to the hobbits. "There is only one thing that can be done." By this time, the hobbits were able to sit down at the table again and pretend that they were listening. "You all must leave the Shire."
"Why not just Frodo? He's the one with the stupid Ring!" Pippin whined.
"You losers have nothing else to do with your meager lives. Therefore, I force you to go," said Gandalf. The four hobbits moaned.
They packed. Items ranged from pieces of two week old bread to rubber duckies. As for the rest of it, you can use your imaginations.
Early that next morning before the sun had even begun to rise, each hobbit felt the stroke of Gandalf's staff as a wake up call. Not very pleasant for them, having stayed up late and worrying about the long journey that lay before them. They got up and got dressed, and then followed Gandalf to the outskirts of Hobbiton to begin their travel.
"I'm hungry," Pippin moaned.
"Too bad," Sam said.
"Where are we going, again?" Frodo asked, his eye twitching for some odd reason.
"Bree, you idiot. To The Prancing Pony. It's due east from here."
"Then we have to travel through the Old Forest," Merry winced.
Gandalf thought for a moment. "Nah. Let us go by the movie plot."
"The.. movie… plot?" the hobbits asked.
"Oh. Uh, never mind that. Follow me."
And so, with Gandalf's magical knowledge of the future movie, they were able to find a shortcut to Bree and totally bypass the Old Forest.
"And now I must depart," Gandalf said, "There are urgent matters to the south. Remember, stay off the roads. Cut across country. And, Frodo, your name sucks flaming donkey balls and you need a new one."
"I know, I know! Frankenstein!"
"No. That is even stupider. It shall be Underhill because I say so and I am older and I know more than you."
So with those final words, that they most likely ignored, the hobbits bid the wizard a fond farewell. "I'm glad he's gone. He was a El Poo Butto," Pippin said as Gandalf rode away on his horse. And, yes, he did indeed have a horse. Did you not notice?
All except Frodo nodded in agreement. Frodo had his back turned to the others and was staring at something. His eyes narrowed slightly and he gripped his hands into fists.
"What crawled up his butt and died?" Merry muttered to Sam.
"Get off the road," Frodo said quietly.
Pippin had sat down beside the road and were stuffing their faces with mushrooms. "What? Why?"
"There's something down there." There was a loud screech and the thumping of horse hooves. The hobbits proceeded to run around in triangles, screaming. They were indeed in deep do-do.
Disclaimer: Same as always. Check the Prologue if you either don't remember, or you actually care that much.
Author's notes: Okay, for any of you who read this right when it was posted, there was a Mary-Sue in it named Ruby. I took her out. *blink* Just for the sake of keeping this as close to the movie/book as possible.. No more rambling.
"Hey, Frodo, think fast!" shouted Pippin as he chucked a rather large stone at the unsuspecting hobbit, beaning him in the forehead.
"OW! For the love of Bob!" cried Frodo as he stumbled backwards, flailing his arms, and then landing on his tush in a pile of autumn leaves.
"Mr. Frodo!" Samwise Gamgee shouted in distress.
"I'm all right, I'm all right," Frodo Baggins said as he stood, a red welt appearing on his forehead.
"That just goes to show how bad Frodo is at thinking," Pippin said with a grin as he folded his arms. He felt the blow of a pebble hit the back of his head. "Meriadoc Brandybuck. You will pay for that!" he yelled as Merry ran off to plan a new mode of attack. Sam just pointed and laughed.
It was late September, and the Ring had been with Frodo for only one week. He was down in the dumps because of Bilbo's departure the previous week, and he had been sulking all day. Little did he know, his semi-happy and untroubled life was about to change dramatically. Right about… now.
Ten minutes after Saruman cast his spell, it took affect on all of Middle-earth, save Mordor and any country under Sauron's growing power. Every living thing from Eagles to Wargs were turned into juveniles.
"I'm little!" Pippin said, bawling.
"Well, this is certainly curious," said Merry, folding one arm across his chest and resting his head in his hand, a thoughtful look crossing his face.
"I feel… short," Sam said, looking at his hands for some weird reason.
"I wish Gandalf were here," Frodo sniffled.
"HAHA!" Saruman cackled. "Look at them! They are even smaller than before!" He pointed and laughed at the images in the Palantìr. "It is almost too easy to simply snatch the Ring away from some creature so little!" His laughter suddenly stopped and he glared at the floor, contemplating silently. He recalled his boredom with everything, and came up with yet another "brilliant" idea. "Yes, it IS too easy. Perhaps if I shrink my Orc army, it will lengthen the time of war and give me something to do." And so he chanted his idiotic chant again, and his wish was granted. He then proceeded to throw another Tupperware party. To the guests' dismay, there was no stripper this time. Not enough time to schedule one, you know.
Things were not looking good for the hobbits back in the Shire. Slowly, their shrunken brains were converting to that of a five-year-old. That night, the hobbits met at Bag End to have a meeting. Or to play a sporting game of Chutes and Ladders--no, no. A meeting.
Frodo began. "We are gathered here today to"—
"Bake cookies!" cried the others.
"Yes! Wait, no! Talk about the odd happenings, and THEN bake cookies."
"Oh."
"So, anyway"—the front door opened. The candles and the fire suddenly went out.
Everyone screamed girlishly and clung to one another. A gray figure, far taller than all of them, stalked into the room.
"The Boogie Man!" the hobbits screamed in horror, diving under the table.
"Oh, shut up." The fireplace burst into flames, illuminating the stranger's face. It was Gandalf. "Damn special effects turned off all the lights." The wizard was now 15, tall, and very thin. His face was patched with acne, he wore bold-framed glasses that were bound together in the middle by string. A metal contraption was in his mouth, dotting his teeth with silver things unknown to any being of the Shire. "Now," his voice cracked, and he cleared his throat, "Frodo, do you still have the Ring?"
"Uhm.." Frodo smiled innocently. "Do you have a cookie?"
Gandalf's brow lowered in annoyance. "This is a serious matter, not to be taken lightly. Master Baggins, get me the Ring!"
Frodo pouted and went over to an old trunk in the corner. After digging for about a minute, he produced a small, white envelope. He gave it to Gandalf, who then tossed it into the fireplace.
"What'cha doin'?" asked Frodo, bewildered.
Gandalf was silent. He took the little clippy things, as Sam would call them, and extracted the Ring from the burning remains of its envelope. He dropped it into Frodo's hand, and he let out a small yelp, immediately dropping it.
"You idiot! It is quite cool!" Gandalf snapped.
"No it's noooot!" Frodo cried, waving his burnt hand.
So Gandalf picked it up again with the TONGS and looked at it. "Markings," he muttered, cursing.
"Ooo. What do they say?" asked the hobbits, except for Frodo who had managed to shove his hand into his mouth.
"The language is that of Mordor, which I will not utter here," with a sentence as boring as that, the hobbits, having attention spans of a flea, tuned out. Gandalf explained a ton of stuff. He was staring off into space as he explained, and didn't even notice that the hobbits had placed a "Kick me" sign on his back, and baked cookies. Anyway, we all know what he's talking about so there's no reason for me to type it out, although this paragraph would have probably been equivalent to the explanation, and if I don't stop rambling it will be longer.
Gandalf turned his attention back to the hobbits. "There is only one thing that can be done." By this time, the hobbits were able to sit down at the table again and pretend that they were listening. "You all must leave the Shire."
"Why not just Frodo? He's the one with the stupid Ring!" Pippin whined.
"You losers have nothing else to do with your meager lives. Therefore, I force you to go," said Gandalf. The four hobbits moaned.
They packed. Items ranged from pieces of two week old bread to rubber duckies. As for the rest of it, you can use your imaginations.
Early that next morning before the sun had even begun to rise, each hobbit felt the stroke of Gandalf's staff as a wake up call. Not very pleasant for them, having stayed up late and worrying about the long journey that lay before them. They got up and got dressed, and then followed Gandalf to the outskirts of Hobbiton to begin their travel.
"I'm hungry," Pippin moaned.
"Too bad," Sam said.
"Where are we going, again?" Frodo asked, his eye twitching for some odd reason.
"Bree, you idiot. To The Prancing Pony. It's due east from here."
"Then we have to travel through the Old Forest," Merry winced.
Gandalf thought for a moment. "Nah. Let us go by the movie plot."
"The.. movie… plot?" the hobbits asked.
"Oh. Uh, never mind that. Follow me."
And so, with Gandalf's magical knowledge of the future movie, they were able to find a shortcut to Bree and totally bypass the Old Forest.
"And now I must depart," Gandalf said, "There are urgent matters to the south. Remember, stay off the roads. Cut across country. And, Frodo, your name sucks flaming donkey balls and you need a new one."
"I know, I know! Frankenstein!"
"No. That is even stupider. It shall be Underhill because I say so and I am older and I know more than you."
So with those final words, that they most likely ignored, the hobbits bid the wizard a fond farewell. "I'm glad he's gone. He was a El Poo Butto," Pippin said as Gandalf rode away on his horse. And, yes, he did indeed have a horse. Did you not notice?
All except Frodo nodded in agreement. Frodo had his back turned to the others and was staring at something. His eyes narrowed slightly and he gripped his hands into fists.
"What crawled up his butt and died?" Merry muttered to Sam.
"Get off the road," Frodo said quietly.
Pippin had sat down beside the road and were stuffing their faces with mushrooms. "What? Why?"
"There's something down there." There was a loud screech and the thumping of horse hooves. The hobbits proceeded to run around in triangles, screaming. They were indeed in deep do-do.