***
"Simon, you made it. What took you so long? I was expecting you about an hour and a half ago."
"Dude, you don't even want to know. It's a long story."
Morris was impressed. On the phone Simon had sounded absolutely drunk, but now he looked completely sober. Maybe he wouldn't have to shuttle the kid directly upstairs after all. In fact, why not introduce him to Mom and Dad?
"Simon, these are my parents. Mom, Dad, this is Simon."
The parents had been sitting in the living room to the left of the front door, and they stood up to greet Simon amiably in the hallway. "Nice to meet you, Simon. Morris has told us about you," Morris's mother said.
"He has?" Simon said, surprised and a bit worried. "What has he told you?"
"Oh, he says you're a reverend's son, and you have six brothers and sisters, and you're a good friend of his."
"I'm a good friend? He said that?" Simon beamed from ear to ear.
Embarrassed, Morris decided that maybe this had been a dumb idea. "OK, nice talking to you, Mom," he said, hoping to cease the conversation as rapidly as possible. He put a hand on Simon's shoulder to direct him toward the stairs.
"Nice meeting you, Simon," Morris's father called cheerfully after them as they climbed the stairs. Simon waved in a friendly manner to Morris's parents as they disappeared from his view.
When they reached his bedroom, Simon noticed that Morris's hand was still on his shoulder. All signs had been good so far. Simon just had a feeling that tonight was the night.
They entered the room and Morris closed the door. They sat down facing each other on his bed, Morris at the head and Simon at the foot.
"So, Simon, what were you so desperate to talk to me about?"
Simon recalled all the things that had gone through his head on the bus. He had so many things he wanted to say to Morris, but where should he begin?
"First of all, I want you to know that I know that no amount of apologizing can make up for the awful things I said Friday night, and for the way I treated you. I don't know what came over me, but I don't ever want to get that out-of-control again."
Morris nodded and said, "Look, Simon, I just want you to know that if you were drinking to impress me or something like that, it didn't work. And you don't need to do it anyway. I like you the way you are; you don't have to drink and try to be someone else."
Simon grinned, blushed, and averted his eyes at the compliment.
God, he's so cute when he smiles that little gap-toothed smile, thought Morris. I even like those goofy double-earrings he wears. What is it about Simon?
"So anyway, what happened to you at the bar after I left? Because even though I was really mad at you, I was also worried sick that something bad was going to happen to you. In fact, I almost called your parents again but I remembered how much trouble you got in last time."
The parents. Simon's expression darkened a bit. "Everything worked out OK. The bartender actually took care of me and gave me a ride home. The only thing is, my sisters, Ruthie and Lucy, found out what I did. I don't know if they've told my parents or not, but I'm afraid to go home and find out."
"Yikes," said Morris.
Simon thought cautiously about whether he wanted to continue, whether or not he wanted to tell Morris about the darkness and the numbness and everything else.
-What are you waiting for? Tonight is the night. Look how receptive he is right now. Look how friendly he's being.
But what if you tell him what's inside you and it all goes away? What if he thinks you're a freak? What if you scare him away?
You have to take that chance. Look at him. He's waiting for you to tell him. It's written on his face. He's expecting more. He's open.-
"Morris, there's some other stuff I wanted to talk about and, it's okay if you don't want to talk about it, you know, because it's kind of personal stuff and maybe you don't want to hear it, but, like, I just really don't know who else I could talk to about it…"
"Simon, what is it?" said Morris, with a look of friendly concern on his face.
Simon looked directly into his eyes and painfully admitted, "I don't know, it's just…everything is wrong. My whole life, everything...". Unexpectedly, Simon heard his voice choke. He felt his previously barren eyes fill, and his vision of Morris became blurred with tears. Suddenly he felt Morris's hand on his shoulder again, comforting him.
"What's wrong, man?"
Simon did the best he could to speak through his sorrow. "Everything, Morris…I hate my life, I hate waking up every morning…I hate it all."
Simon felt Morris's arms wrap around him and embrace him. He buried his face into Morris's left shoulder and let himself cry for the first time in years.
"It's OK, Simon," Morris said gently after a moment. "I feel that way sometimes too."
Simon pulled away in surprise and looked at Morris through his tears. "You do?"
"Well, lately, kind of, yeah. I feel that way sometimes."
"But you're, like, a star athlete and everybody likes you."
"I thought everybody liked me, until I started hanging out with you and found out it was all a bunch of superficial bullshit. And that kind of made me upset and depressed. But really, I feel a lot better now, talking to you, because you're so much better than them, Simon Camden. You're the real deal."
-The real deal? Me?-
Simon wiped away his tears and looked intensely into Morris's eyes. Morris returned his gaze.
-Deep breath. Say it. Say it!-
"Morris, I want you to know that…" Simon gulped and tried again. "I want you to know that…I'm extremely attracted to you."
Silence. Stunned silence. Simon closed his eyes.
-Please say something, Morris. Please say anything…-
But before Simon could finish his thought he felt Morris's soft lips pressed against his own.
***
Lips touching, tongues touching. His arms around me. His fingers through my hair, mine through his. His breath on my ear, my neck. His hands, moving down my back, lifting and removing my shirt. My hands removing his. No words. No talk. No clothes. Our bodies, falling into the bed in a naked tangle.
***
Simon lay next to Morris, sweaty, out of breath, and exhausted from their passionate lovemaking session. Lovemaking, not sex. That's what it had truly been. Simon silently thanked God; he had just been so blessed that his first sexual experience was with someone he loved. He knew not everyone was so lucky.
He turned to face Morris and admitted, "That was my first time."
Morris faced Simon with a playful smirk and said, "That was my first time with a guy."
Simon smiled and sheepishly asked, "So, how did it compare?"
Morris laid back and sighed, "No comparison. You blew the others away."
Relaxed by the answer, Simon laid back too and contemplated. His first time had been nothing like he had expected. From the moment he had first awakened to his orientation and realized it wasn't going to change, he had never imagined coming out while still living at home. He had just figured his first time would happen away at college with some boy who would laugh at him because he was still an in-the-closet virgin. This had exceeded his expectations so beautifully.
Simon laid his head down on Morris's smooth, muscular chest and commented off-handedly, "I'm so glad I skipped my homework and came over here tonight."
Morris lovingly stroked Simon's hair and said, "Wait a minute, Simon, you still haven't done your homework? I hate to sound like your mother, but you probably ought to go home now and get it done. It's getting pretty late."
Simon chuckled at Morris's concern and quipped, "Whatever you say, stud; you're the boss."
Morris smiled and gave Simon a quick kiss before getting up and saying, "Come on, get dressed. I'll give you a ride home."
***
Morris pulled his jeep into the Camdens' driveway and searched for the right words to say. 'Good night, Simon,' just didn't seem to be enough right now. Yet a goodnight kiss would be too much, considering that any combination of eight different people could be looking out the windows, spying on them.
Simon, however, did Morris's thinking for him. He planted a big, passionate goodnight kiss right on Morris's lips, hopped out of the jeep and said, "I'll see you tomorrow."
With a warm smile, Morris replied, "I can't wait." He put the jeep in reverse and backed out of the Camdens' driveway.
- I don't even care if they saw me kiss him. This is amazing. I can't believe it; he feels the same way about me as I feel about him. I'm the luckiest guy in the world!-
Half-walking, half-dancing, Simon climbed the front steps and entered his house. Almost immediately, his father stormed into the entranceway from the living room.
"Simon, just where in the hell have you been all day?"
Undaunted, Simon didn't even have to think before he spoke. "Dad, listen. I know everyone was probably concerned about me, and I know it was wrong for me to leave without telling anyone where I was. I'm ready for whatever punishment you want to give me because I deserve it."
Reverend Camden shook his head back and forth. He squinted at Simon and said, "You think you can just walk in here after being missing all day and just say, 'OK, I was wrong, go ahead and punish me'? Am I supposed to be impressed by that? Is that your idea of taking responsibility for your actions? Simon, all year we have been having this same discussion over and over again. If you want me to treat you like a man, then you're supposed to start acting like one. And let me tell you, it hasn't happened yet. Not even close. I'm very disappointed in you right now but, I hate to say it, I'm not surprised."
This slam against his character, which normally would have sent Simon spiraling downward, did not even faze him. "Dad, I know. Everything you just said is true; I realize that. But there are some things I need to tell you right now that are more important than any of that."
Simon fished briefly for the right words. "I need to tell you first that I love you and everyone else in this family very much. And because I trust that you love all of us and want what's best for us, I understand why you made the rules about letting you and Mom know what we're doing while we're out of the house. I understand why, but I need you to understand that today was an extraordinary day for me. And due to circumstances that I didn't really have control over, I accidentally broke those rules. But even though I broke them, I didn't do it on purpose with the intention of hurting you or anyone else.
"And I need you to know that even though I broke those rules today, I'm much better off right now for having done it. I know that might be hard for you to understand right now, and I can't fully explain it, but I promise you it's absolutely true." Simon looked at his father with a look that earnestly implored him to hear what he was saying and to take it to heart.
Then he continued, "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go finish my homework before I go to bed."
Reverend Camden stood silently, as if absorbing and digesting all that Simon had just blabbered. While he stood there processing, Simon walked over to him and gave him a big hug just to put a little icing on the cake. Then he turned and ran upstairs before his father could snap out of his stupor.
***
After Simon had finished his homework he lay in bed thinking about the crazy irony of the whole day he had just been through. It had been simultaneously the worst and the best day of his life. He had spent the last of his money and walked through the most poverty-stricken areas of town, yet he had ended up feeling as though he was the richest resident in the entire city of Glenoak. He had walked through the darkest shadows of the town, and of his own mind, heart, and soul, and yet he had emerged filled with new light.
Simon got a chill as he realized he almost hadn't lived to see it all. He had been closer than imaginable to taking out that pocketknife and ending his own life. What a mistake that would have been.
For the third time that evening, Simon thanked God for blessing him.