Category: Resident Evil
Title: Used And Abused
Author: fan_fic_writer_uk
Email: fan_fic_writer_uk@yahoo.co.uk
Rating: PG-13
Language: English
Note- I do NOT own resident evil (like that wasn't obvious)
a/n Okay update time. Not really much to say at all at present. Obviously I changed the rating from its previous of NC-17 (for now at least). Other than that there's not anything else to say (I'll put other stuff at the end, if there is any)
So straight on with the fic-
Chapter Two: Insomnia, The Past- Wesker's P.O.W
***
...To write, I suppose it should be easy for me. I always have a lot to say for myself after all, it's an irony of a sort I guess and a very fitting one at that... how very, very apt. But it's only to be expected, it's not like I have much practice in doing this. Sure I've written reports and essays, thousands at least, but never have I written like this, so personally, so openly.. it's not like me (and that's putting it mildly). I don't know why I am bothering to either, it's not like anyone's ever going to read this, but do it I must. The only explanation can I offer is that I'm compelled to, forced to (how weak I am.. curse this inferior body and its even weaker mind). I'm lying in actual fact, I do know why I'm writing this, it's to cure the insomnia that's been plaguing these last few nights. See? I'm making excuses once again for myself, trying to hide behind false reasons and create another facade to protect myself. I can't do that, I mustn't, healing can't begin until you realise the problem and confront it head on, can it?. And I do need healing whether I care to admit that to myself or not. Healing for this battered, weary, tired mind and my conscience (that's if I've got one still or even if I had one at all). The real reason I'm writing this is because it reminds me of the past, whether that is in fact a good thing is something I'm still unsure about. But the past is worth so much more to me than I have credited it, it means so much... it reminds me of him. So much about him, that's probably why I'm writing this because of him. I can still remember how he always kept a diary and wrote in it dedicatedly everyday as well.. memories. I suppose it makes me feel closer to him to write like this... and that's going in completely the wrong direction that I want to, need to, have to go in.
I've just realised the little confession I've made to you. Surprised? I guess you are. The *grand* Captain Wesker is gay? Just shocking isn't it? And who on earth could he be talking about? Who could mean something to him? Who could mean anything to him? What happened in the past to him? And why is he talking about it now? So many questions, so few answers I've given myself. As I've said tonight's the night for the truth, confession time for me. And there's no point in putting up a pretence anyway, nobody's going to read this so I don't know why I have any qualms about writing the truth, writing what I feel. I guess I'm scared, scared what I might discover about myself. Yes I said scared, hardly fitting with my image is it? I shouldn't be allowed to have feelings or emotions, I don't deserve them, they're for people, real people. And I can hardly classify myself as human, can I? No I'm a Tyrant, efficient, cold and heartless.. at least that's what I'm supposed to be. After what I've done, the grief I've caused you'd think the last of my humanity would have been eaten away, like an apple to the core (if you can call what I had before all of this that, humanity). I've told myself that I'm reading into this too deeply but so far I haven't been reading into it enough. Too prepared to bury my emotions, lock them away hoping that they'd just go away if I turned a blind eye to them. They haven't, they've only intensified and slowly become harder and harder to ignore until I have had no choice but to confront them. And there's so much to look back upon, to reflect upon, analyse (sounds so clinical, so professional, doesn't it?). Many, many things to look upon; my sordid liaison with him, my relationship if you can call it that. My betrayal, not only to the S.T.A.R.S teams, to the their families, to RPD... but to him as well. My greed, my want, my evil desire and what I've done to achieve it. And of course what happened at the Spencer Mansion, what I did to him, what I did to myself.
I do wonder about our relationship, continually it seems as of late. What it was, where it was to, where it was heading. That's if, as I said, it was a relationship. It wasn't perfect by any means, there was a lot wrong with it in fact... despite that there was so much right. Why I am I saying this? It's too late now, its over. It doesn't exist, only in my mind. I fucked it up, I destroyed it, killed it, it was me, my fault. I should forget it, move on, but that's only because it's something I really don't want to face. I've never had a relationship before (hardly surprising), not properly, not like this one. Nothing so intense, so powerful, so.. loving. The times we spent together brought me things that I can't even begin to describe or understand, it just did. Nothing can compare to it, it was so passionate, so nurturing, so beautiful and on the other hand so wild and fun and carefree. I suppose I made a choice to turn my back on it, its my fault I guess. After all I made the choice to do what I did, but it wasn't completely like that. You see I never meant to become so involved in the first place. I never meant to become so personally attached to it, it wasn't supposed to mean anything. All I wanted it to be when it started out was to be a fling, just for sex and lust, nothing more. But I guess that was all my prior experience in that area of life, one night stands, etc. But something about the whole was so.. intoxicating, I was drawn to him like a moth to a flame. And it turned into something more than time beneath the sheets, something on a much deeper level. He opened up to me, revealed himself to me, laid himself bare. Showed me his vulnerability, his weakness, his innocence, his fears and his doubt... and I accepted it, all of it. I wanted to be able to protect him, shield him from reality, heal him and that was the downfall of it all. Before then I'd already sold myself to Umbrella, already sworn my allegiance to them, put their plan into motion. By then I'd already become the Albert Wesker everybody else knows and there was no going back. I was so consumed with my own desires and ambitions, it clouded my judgement. It allowed me to tell myself that he didn't care, I didn't care. That's why I betrayed him, for my own means. Selfish, just fucking selfish.. it's the worst decision I ever made. But in retrospect there was little else I could do, if I had disobeyed Umbrella they would have found out and got us back. They would have killed him for sure, although I doubt that was a factor I thought of at the time. That's not to say I didn't agonise over it all before, I thought bout it a lot before it all happened.. but to a far lesser degree than I should have. It did affect me despite what I told myself at the time, looking back I can see that. I was a heart breaking decision I had to make, it tore me up to do it. I should have been strong, remained uninvolved, distant.. but I didn't. He made it so that I had to choose between him and it all, FUCK HIM, FUCK HIM TO HELL. No I don't mean that, it's still my fault, but he made it so hard, so very hard. He'd gotten to me so much by then, I was consumed by him, totally and utterly. However I still made the wrong decision and for that I'll pay.
I'll never forget what happened at the Spencer Mansion, well how could I? I don't mean the death of my comrades, my team-mates, my feelings about them are in a whole different league than what I did to him. I'll never, never forget that look that he gave when he found out. Those piercing eyes, the hurt he so blatantly showed which he tried to cover up with anger. That look will haunt me to my grave, it said so many things. I can only imagine what he was going through when he realised, what he felt. And what did I do? I acted like I didn't care, well I had to. Couldn't let it get to me, affect me, stunt me.. and perhaps it was a better thing to do. Because of what I did he hates me I believe and if he hates me he can't love me and so he is spared from the heartache, the anger takes over instead. You can't love and hate someone can you? That sure sound hypocritical as if I'm honest I do. I hate him for what he did to me, making me choose, changing me, loving me but still I have feelings for him, how screwed up am I? Maybe I hate him because I love if so then there's a possibility that he feels the same.. shit. Because I wouldn't want him to go through what I have its a cross I couldn't let him bare. All I can hope for however is that he's forgotten about me.. if only I could do the same... oh Chris. Why'd you do this to me? Why? WHY?...why?
***
a/n I told you that chapter would be very emotional didn't I. Next chapter will be a flashback scene which will inject some happiness into this angsty fic, for a time at least. I'm not sure however whether to include sex as it doesn't necessarily matter if I do (drop me a review about it, hint, hint).
So until next update I guess
Title: Used And Abused
Author: fan_fic_writer_uk
Email: fan_fic_writer_uk@yahoo.co.uk
Rating: PG-13
Language: English
Note- I do NOT own resident evil (like that wasn't obvious)
a/n Okay update time. Not really much to say at all at present. Obviously I changed the rating from its previous of NC-17 (for now at least). Other than that there's not anything else to say (I'll put other stuff at the end, if there is any)
So straight on with the fic-
Chapter Two: Insomnia, The Past- Wesker's P.O.W
***
...To write, I suppose it should be easy for me. I always have a lot to say for myself after all, it's an irony of a sort I guess and a very fitting one at that... how very, very apt. But it's only to be expected, it's not like I have much practice in doing this. Sure I've written reports and essays, thousands at least, but never have I written like this, so personally, so openly.. it's not like me (and that's putting it mildly). I don't know why I am bothering to either, it's not like anyone's ever going to read this, but do it I must. The only explanation can I offer is that I'm compelled to, forced to (how weak I am.. curse this inferior body and its even weaker mind). I'm lying in actual fact, I do know why I'm writing this, it's to cure the insomnia that's been plaguing these last few nights. See? I'm making excuses once again for myself, trying to hide behind false reasons and create another facade to protect myself. I can't do that, I mustn't, healing can't begin until you realise the problem and confront it head on, can it?. And I do need healing whether I care to admit that to myself or not. Healing for this battered, weary, tired mind and my conscience (that's if I've got one still or even if I had one at all). The real reason I'm writing this is because it reminds me of the past, whether that is in fact a good thing is something I'm still unsure about. But the past is worth so much more to me than I have credited it, it means so much... it reminds me of him. So much about him, that's probably why I'm writing this because of him. I can still remember how he always kept a diary and wrote in it dedicatedly everyday as well.. memories. I suppose it makes me feel closer to him to write like this... and that's going in completely the wrong direction that I want to, need to, have to go in.
I've just realised the little confession I've made to you. Surprised? I guess you are. The *grand* Captain Wesker is gay? Just shocking isn't it? And who on earth could he be talking about? Who could mean something to him? Who could mean anything to him? What happened in the past to him? And why is he talking about it now? So many questions, so few answers I've given myself. As I've said tonight's the night for the truth, confession time for me. And there's no point in putting up a pretence anyway, nobody's going to read this so I don't know why I have any qualms about writing the truth, writing what I feel. I guess I'm scared, scared what I might discover about myself. Yes I said scared, hardly fitting with my image is it? I shouldn't be allowed to have feelings or emotions, I don't deserve them, they're for people, real people. And I can hardly classify myself as human, can I? No I'm a Tyrant, efficient, cold and heartless.. at least that's what I'm supposed to be. After what I've done, the grief I've caused you'd think the last of my humanity would have been eaten away, like an apple to the core (if you can call what I had before all of this that, humanity). I've told myself that I'm reading into this too deeply but so far I haven't been reading into it enough. Too prepared to bury my emotions, lock them away hoping that they'd just go away if I turned a blind eye to them. They haven't, they've only intensified and slowly become harder and harder to ignore until I have had no choice but to confront them. And there's so much to look back upon, to reflect upon, analyse (sounds so clinical, so professional, doesn't it?). Many, many things to look upon; my sordid liaison with him, my relationship if you can call it that. My betrayal, not only to the S.T.A.R.S teams, to the their families, to RPD... but to him as well. My greed, my want, my evil desire and what I've done to achieve it. And of course what happened at the Spencer Mansion, what I did to him, what I did to myself.
I do wonder about our relationship, continually it seems as of late. What it was, where it was to, where it was heading. That's if, as I said, it was a relationship. It wasn't perfect by any means, there was a lot wrong with it in fact... despite that there was so much right. Why I am I saying this? It's too late now, its over. It doesn't exist, only in my mind. I fucked it up, I destroyed it, killed it, it was me, my fault. I should forget it, move on, but that's only because it's something I really don't want to face. I've never had a relationship before (hardly surprising), not properly, not like this one. Nothing so intense, so powerful, so.. loving. The times we spent together brought me things that I can't even begin to describe or understand, it just did. Nothing can compare to it, it was so passionate, so nurturing, so beautiful and on the other hand so wild and fun and carefree. I suppose I made a choice to turn my back on it, its my fault I guess. After all I made the choice to do what I did, but it wasn't completely like that. You see I never meant to become so involved in the first place. I never meant to become so personally attached to it, it wasn't supposed to mean anything. All I wanted it to be when it started out was to be a fling, just for sex and lust, nothing more. But I guess that was all my prior experience in that area of life, one night stands, etc. But something about the whole was so.. intoxicating, I was drawn to him like a moth to a flame. And it turned into something more than time beneath the sheets, something on a much deeper level. He opened up to me, revealed himself to me, laid himself bare. Showed me his vulnerability, his weakness, his innocence, his fears and his doubt... and I accepted it, all of it. I wanted to be able to protect him, shield him from reality, heal him and that was the downfall of it all. Before then I'd already sold myself to Umbrella, already sworn my allegiance to them, put their plan into motion. By then I'd already become the Albert Wesker everybody else knows and there was no going back. I was so consumed with my own desires and ambitions, it clouded my judgement. It allowed me to tell myself that he didn't care, I didn't care. That's why I betrayed him, for my own means. Selfish, just fucking selfish.. it's the worst decision I ever made. But in retrospect there was little else I could do, if I had disobeyed Umbrella they would have found out and got us back. They would have killed him for sure, although I doubt that was a factor I thought of at the time. That's not to say I didn't agonise over it all before, I thought bout it a lot before it all happened.. but to a far lesser degree than I should have. It did affect me despite what I told myself at the time, looking back I can see that. I was a heart breaking decision I had to make, it tore me up to do it. I should have been strong, remained uninvolved, distant.. but I didn't. He made it so that I had to choose between him and it all, FUCK HIM, FUCK HIM TO HELL. No I don't mean that, it's still my fault, but he made it so hard, so very hard. He'd gotten to me so much by then, I was consumed by him, totally and utterly. However I still made the wrong decision and for that I'll pay.
I'll never forget what happened at the Spencer Mansion, well how could I? I don't mean the death of my comrades, my team-mates, my feelings about them are in a whole different league than what I did to him. I'll never, never forget that look that he gave when he found out. Those piercing eyes, the hurt he so blatantly showed which he tried to cover up with anger. That look will haunt me to my grave, it said so many things. I can only imagine what he was going through when he realised, what he felt. And what did I do? I acted like I didn't care, well I had to. Couldn't let it get to me, affect me, stunt me.. and perhaps it was a better thing to do. Because of what I did he hates me I believe and if he hates me he can't love me and so he is spared from the heartache, the anger takes over instead. You can't love and hate someone can you? That sure sound hypocritical as if I'm honest I do. I hate him for what he did to me, making me choose, changing me, loving me but still I have feelings for him, how screwed up am I? Maybe I hate him because I love if so then there's a possibility that he feels the same.. shit. Because I wouldn't want him to go through what I have its a cross I couldn't let him bare. All I can hope for however is that he's forgotten about me.. if only I could do the same... oh Chris. Why'd you do this to me? Why? WHY?...why?
***
a/n I told you that chapter would be very emotional didn't I. Next chapter will be a flashback scene which will inject some happiness into this angsty fic, for a time at least. I'm not sure however whether to include sex as it doesn't necessarily matter if I do (drop me a review about it, hint, hint).
So until next update I guess