Thanks again to everyone who reviewed. Here's the third part, in which I start to put The Two Towers into diary form. It is, naturally, spoilerful for those who haven't read the book, so don't read if you don't want the plot of Two Towers revealed (and there are some MAJOR twists and important plot bunnies in this book).

Disclaimer: I don't own LOTR in any way, shape or form. Nor do I own Bridget Jones.

February 27th (dawn) - Emyn Muil

Cannot believe I forgot to do this yesterday, but what with everything that happened can probably be excused, but No. of Orcs killed (yesterday): 57, all time record!; No. of Orcs we're chasing (today): er, let me get back to you on that one, there's a lot; No. of times I didn't say 'I told you so' to Aragorn: 49, he should be thankful; No. of times Gimli said something stupid: 1, when he thought Sauron would use ELVISH runes. Please, so obviously Saruman's doing I'm surprised he didn't get it.

The Motley Crew, the Terrific/Terrible/Terrifying Trio, the Three Kindreds, the Three Hunters - in other, simpler, words, me, Aragorn and Gimli - have set out. It's something of an ego trip: who can run fastest/for longest? Who can see further? Who can put their ear to the ground and hear a leaf fall ten miles away? Big tough guy stuff.

Am not taking part, as am Elf and naturally better than everyone else.

Must rid self of narcissistic tendencies.

Tracking the Orcs easy at first, as they're not the subtlest of creatures. Big ole trail left in forest and over hills, though vanished in one valley. Decided to go north. Correction, Aragorn decided to go north, with Gimli and me in tow.

February 27th (evening) - Plains

No. of Orcs killed: 0; No. of dead Orcs found: 5; No. of times Aragorn sang about Gondor: 1, not particularly interesting; No. of positive finds: 1, or possibly 2.

Things are looking up, slightly. At least we found Pippin's footprints and - drum roll, please - his brooch pin. The hobbit has more sense than I gave him credit for, sorry Pippin.

Other news - plains are boring.

February 28th - Plains, still

No. of Orcs killed: 0; No. of eagles seen: 1, hmm, was it the same one as I saw before?; No. of leagues travelled over plains: 24; No. of things Aragorn distrusts: from the sound of things, everything. Our leader is paranoid, helpful.

We ran, then we walked, then we ran again. We went a long way but we still haven't caught the Orcs up. Damn.

February 29th - can you guess? Yes, the Plains, 'nuff said

No. of interesting things that happened today: um...er...nope, can't think of anything.

February 30th - the PLAINS!!!!! If find hobbits alive, will kill them myself for making us take this boring journey

No. of Orcs killed: 0, someone else got there first, am not happy; No. of Riders of Rohan seen: 105; No. of Riders I threatened: 1, he looked pretty damn scared an' all!; No. of leagues we travelled in four days: 45, go us!

Something actually happened today - we met the Riders of Rohan. There was an interesting exchange of views: Éomer slagged off Galadriel, which pissed off Gimli, who threatened Éomer, who threatened Gimli, so I threatened Éomer and things would have turned pretty nasty had Aragorn not calmed everyone down.

It turns out that those Riders beat us to the Orcs, slaughtered the lot of them and then burned the bodies - so tacky! Best to just leave them to rot. Anyway, the Riders checked all the bodies - would say this was sick, but stole a lot of Orc arrows to replenish own supply - and couldn't find the hobbits. This means that the hobbits have, with any luck, escaped.

Riders are actually all right, even if they did give new name to Aragorn and not me. Honestly, how many names does he have? Aragorn, Strider, Elessar, Isildur's heir and now Wingfoot. Feel strangely left out with only two names.

Riders gave us nice news: situation seems hopeless, Orcs everywhere.

Éomer leant us horses, other Riders seemed to think he was off his head when he offered, and gave me weird looks when I insisted on riding bare back. Gave me even weirder looks when I said Gimli could ride behind me. Am starting to rethink offer, as he's clinging on for dear life and this makes breathing an issue for me.

March 1st - Fangorn, treestreestrees treestreestrees

No. of resurrected Fellowship members: 1, bizarre; No. of Orcs killed: 0; No. of weird old men seen: 2; No. of horses lost: 2, Éomer's gonna kill us.

The past twenty-four hours have been weird in the extreme. Fangorn is a nice place, actually, there are a few evil trees in it but they're nowhere near us.

Last night we were visited by Saruman and our horses ran off, so we're in trouble all round: Éomer will slaughter us for losing the horses and Saruman will slaughter us...because he's Saruman.

Then this morning we thought we'd seen Saruman again. There was this weird old man just walking through the forest and Gimli was all "shoot him, Legolas, shoot HIM!", as we thought it was Saruman and shooting him would, admittedly, solve a lot of problems. But I didn't want to shoot him and Aragorn didn't want me to either; he made a point when he said that we can't go round shooting random old men just because they MIGHT be Saruman.

Anyway, weird old man turned out to be Mithrandir! You know, Gandalf! He had a big fight with the Balrog, killed it, died himself and then came back. Am still in shock, thought he was gone forever but is nice to see him alive and looking so well.

He'd been to Lothlorien and had a message for me from Galadriel:

"Legolas Greenleaf long under tree
In joy thou hast lived. Beware of the Sea!
If thou hearest the cry of the gull on the shore
Thy heart shall then rest in the forest no more."

No idea what it means, but it's something to puzzle over.

Gandalf also brought the following news: Merry and Pippin are fine and with Fangorn, though he called it Treebeard and meant the Ent, not the forest. I'd like to meet an Ent, would make me feel 200 again.

Annnnnd, our horses are back. Sigh of relief, was worried about what Éomer would have to say to us, or, rather, Aragorn. They - the horses - met up with Shadowfax, the horse Gandalf 'borrowed' from King Théoden of the Mark, whose something of a king among horses (Shadowfax, not Théoden, this is a v. confusing entry today). Our horses knew he was there and went tearing off to meet him, leaving us in the lurch. However, they're back now, which is good as we have to make haste to get to Edoras, where King Théoden lives, because Saruman is sending an army to crush the Riders.

One last bit of news: No. of weird black flying things I killed on Feb 24th: 0, actually, I got the horse but didn't get it. It=Nazgûl, they're back, if they were ever gone.

March 2nd - Edoras

No. of Orcs killed: 0, but off to a battle so will be killing lots soon; No. of traitors spotted and dealt with: 1, v. good for Gandalf

Got off to shaky start at Edoras as Théoden still annoyed at Gandalf for 'borrowing' horse. Didn't help that his advisor was filling his head with lies and slander, because was actually working for Saruman. However, Gandalf won the little war of words, though he did use lightning as a bit of extra added weight to his argument.

Have set out with Riders to Helm's Deep, where hopefully will get to kill lots of Orcs. Have been given mail to wear, look nice, look really nice. Ach! Quell narcissism, Legolas, quell narcissism.

Éowyn, Eomer's sister (I think, weird ways of describing relations to the King here) has been left in charge of Edoras. She'll do a good job, even though it was a bit odd for her to stay standing so still for so long. Thought only Elves could do that.

Off to Helm's Deep - and a battle. Funfunfun funfunfun.

This chapter's quite short, I know, but I REALLY need to reread the beginning of Two Towers and, besides, Helm's Deep onwards is my favourite bit and I want to write as much about it as possible. Reviews for this chapter welcome and gratefully received .