Thank you again to all who reviewed, I'm just sorry this took so long to write. Also, I know that other authors add notes to their reviewers, so I'm going to do that now:
To all and sundry - I've had requests for this to be posted on other sites, and I say, "yes, go right ahead as long as I'm properly credited and could I please have the URL for your site so I at least know where my fic is?"
Jess - I've read Cassie Claire's LOTR diaries, after Jeig gave me the link in a review here (ff.net). I didn't base this fic off of them, I just felt like ripping off Bridget Jones and chose LOTR because it's so popular at the moment. Why I chose Legolas is a mystery, I really can't think what it is about elf-boy that holds such appeal *muses on it for a bit*. Anyway, I advise anyone who likes this fic to read Cassandra Claire's 'Secret Diaries' as they're incredibly funny (funnier than this, IMHO). I also advise you to NOT eat or drink whilst reading them, as you're likely to either choke or spray your computer with food/drink and this isn't good.
Dru - you unleashed an Evil Plot Bunny (tm) on me. Now I've got ideas for a modern version of this fic bouncing around in my head, including Arwen and Aragorn as the Smug Married couple. What do you think people, when this is done should I go on to transport the Fellowship to the year 2002 and write Legolas' diary (I faithfully swear it will NOT be a Mary-Sue)?
Bimp Lizkit - yeah, the friendship between Legolas and Gimli bugs me too, but I'm sticking to Tolkien's works so the friendship has to be in there.
Narcissa - I would love for Legolas to kick Gimli (see above comment) but I just can't work out when to put it in. Possibly in Return of the King somewhere, not really sure - and it IS a bit non-Tolkien.
Enough of my self-indulgence, on with the fic...
Wait, hang on, the disclaimers and warnings:
Don't own Lord of the Rings or Bridget Jones or Legolas (though he IS on my LOTR poster *grins*). This part is spoilersome for The Two Towers, so don't read if you don't want that book's plot revealed.
March 2nd (later than last entry, natch) - on the way to Helm's Deep
No. of Orcs killed: 0; No. of weird things seen in the distance: well, I couldn't really count them, but there were a lot, hope they're on our side.
Giyah, I can't see properly! Well, I can, but someone's put a spell on the land to make everything seem misty, so seeing things in the distance is difficult. Suddenly feeling a strange compassion for non-Elves and their pathetic eyesight.
Am nearly at Helm's Deep, talk of a big battle ahead. As said before: funfunfun.
March 3rd - Helm's Deep, after the battle, too busy killing Orcs to keep accurate, live record, though did manage to regularly update Orc Deathometer
No. of Orcs killed: 20 24 39 42; No. of Orcs Gimli killed: a pathetic 2 21 43 dammit!
The battle of Helm's Deep has been fought and we kicked arse.
On the way to the fortress we discovered that there was a great host behind us, made up of Orcs who were burning and destroying everything behind them. Honestly, Orcs have no sense of subtlety or class.
Anyway, we reached Helm's Deep and then had to wait for the Orcs to get there. You'd think they'd know that I haven't killed anything since Emyn Muil - which was eight days ago [1] - and would make an effort to get here so I can take out my homicidal feelings on them, but nooo, they decided to take their time about it. Stupid Orcs, leaving me with nothing to do but sit on a wall and listen to Gimli going on about how good the rocks are here. Thought of giving him a pebble to play with, but didn't want him going on about how wonderful the pebbles here are as well.
When the Orcs finally got here - they were a lot quicker in Moria! - it was gone midnight and there was a storm on the way. It announced itself with a flash of lightning which showed us just how many Orcs we were facing in a wonderfully dramatic way. It started to chuck it down, and the Orcs were firing arrows but we, crafty and wily old foxes that we are, lulled them into a false sense of security by not doing anything. Sure, a few Riders got shot, but we had to trick the enemy so it was worth it (or so they say...)
The Orcs were fooled and made a big ruckus as they charged forwards, to be met with arrows and stones. This dampened their spirits just a little, but didn't stop them attacking again. Attack...retreat...attack...retreat...made me feel sick just watching them. Then they got battering rams and thereby showed more intelligence than I thought they possessed as a race, let alone a small group of individuals.
Éomer and Aragorn then confirmed that Men, though valiant, have a tendency to be hot-headed and do stupid, non-Elfist things like, for example, leading a small group of swordsmen against the entire Orc host. Sure, they drove them back momentarily, but if Gimli hadn't turned up, Éomer would have been killed (Gimli saved his life and decapitated two Orcs, all at once, pretty good). I killed 20 Orcs in that first attack, though I ran out of arrows and getting some more from the Riders involved a great deal of arguing and, I'm almost ashamed to admit, threatening on my part. It wasn't that bad, I just pointed out that I carried two very sharp Elvish knives and if they didn't want said knives meeting their stomachs, they should give me some arrows. Don't know why people are so Elfist!
The Orcs then showed that they do indeed possess intelligence after they created a Diversion, in the form of a load of Orcs trying to scale the walls. Lots of them were shot, and there was a big ole pile forming at the foot of the walls, but they kept coming. The reason for this was revealed when we realised a load of Orcs had slipped in UNDER THE BACK WALL!! I thought this place was a well defended fortress, not somewhere where the enemy had been given a back door key for emergencies! Ch, stupid Men.
Orc Deathometer at this point: me 24, Gimli 21.
Aragorn comes under the heading of 'stupid Man' for some of his actions. Oh yes, they're definitely brave, but foolhardy doesn't begin to describe them. All this staying behind to fight and ensuring that everyone else gets through is insane, in my opinion. Look at what happened in Moria, he and Frodo almost fell into shadow when those stairs started to collapse. Though, admittedly, that episode highlighted the stupidity/insanity of the entire group, as we chose not to send Frodo over first. Why is it that we always seemed to leave Frodo behind, just so he could then get impaled? I think we're all stupid.
But Aragorn's the most stupid...
Not really, 'tis a brave man who holds off the enemy, almost single handed. After everyone else had retreated into the hold, he remained behind, and I stayed with him to make sure the idiot wasn't completely outnumbered. Of course, what use I was with only one arrow is a bit of a mystery, even to me, and if the Riders hadn't thrown a boulder down and squished a load of Orcs we - or, rather, Aragorn - would be in a lot of trouble.
Inside the hold, the Hornburg, we found out that Gimli was still outside. He'd most likely made it to the caves (bet he was happy there, crazy Dwarf) which was a shame as I wanted to know how many Orcs he'd killed: I doubt he'd matched my 39. But, underneath the annoyance at not being able to brag, there was a bit of anxiety as to whether he was alive or not. Great, am friends with a Dwarf.
It then transpired (ooh, good word that) that the Orcs had some sort of blasting fire and had used it to gain the wall. We still managed to go for a little wall top tour, which ended in Aragorn and the Orcs having a slanging match over the gates. He was getting all "I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn, you'd better bow down to me or I'll have your heads" on them - not that they paid much attention to him, being disrespectful Orcs - when he turned on his heel and ran back to the Hornburg. They, of course, took this is a sign of weakness, being idiots, and broken down the doors. They were about to come charging in when there was this rumbling noise which was most definitely NOT thunder. Because, after all, thunder doesn't sound like a lot of voices yelling in an unknown language. Follow this up with the horn of Helm and the Orcs were getting a little afraid.
Then Aragorn and Théoden and Éomer and all the lords of the House of Eorl the Young and me went on this wickedy[2] charge through the gates and up to the Dike, where we found a really weird site awaited us: trees. Lots of trees where once there had been plains. Huh.
It was Gandalf (who else) who had done all of this, and he got a nice dramatic entrance - again - appearing on the ridge opposite bathed in sunlight. Needless to say, we all cheered and the Orcs all panicked, especially when the horn of Helm was blown again. In their hysteria they dropped their weapons and ran into the trees, which was probably a mistake.
Met up with Gimli, who'd killed 43 Orcs. I'd killed 42, am v. annoyed with self.
March 4th - on the way to Isengard
No. of Orcs killed: 0, they're in that weird forest; No. of hours Gimli went on about the caves: 4, if that doesn't send an Elf off to 'sleep' I don't know what will.
That forest is the weirdest thing I've ever seen in my life! And its like the trees are all incredibly stroppy about something and fully intend for you to KNOW that they're stropped. It wasn't nice riding through there, especially with Gimli sitting behind me, on the verge of hysterics. He panicked like nobody's business when tried to ride back into the trees. Gandalf told me not to, so I stopped, being a well behaved Elf.
Things are getting weirder and weirder: first those trees were alive, as in actually living beings that can move and stuff, now the river's making noises when it was previously silent (am currently in camp, listening to Gimli snore and Aragorn mutter things along the lines of "I'm Isildur's heir, I am"). Have funny feeling that this whole quest is likely to end with me being declared officially insane thanks to my experiences so far.
March 5th - Isengard
No. of Orcs killed: 0; No. of hobbits found: 2, I'm going to KILL the little gits!
We finally reached Isengard at around noon, to find that not only was it in need of some serious repair work but that Ents had decided to turn it into their very own holiday home. But that wasn't what was truly shocking...
Merry and Pippin were just sitting there, calm as you please, one asleep and the other smoking. To think, I travel I don't know how many leagues, fight a huge battle, put up with Elfist comments and cope with Gimli's "caves are great" lecture, all in the space of nine days, searching for the little blighters, and I find them relaxing on a pile of rocks as if nothing's happened! Were I a less controlled Elf I'd've jumped off my horse and banged their heads together.
(Partially) forgave them when they gave me alcohol.
Am turning into my father.
Anyway, Merry and Pippin told us everything that had happened to them: they'd escaped from Orcs, met up with Ents, Ents had got 'hasty' (?????) and gone to battle, taking the hobbits with them. Hobbits had then had the treat of seeing the Ents destroy Isengard. Gandalf turned up on the night of the battle and took some Huorns with him - they're the things that formed the forest. Pippin was upset that Gandalf had yelled at him, though hid it beneath sarcastic comments.
After lunch we went and had a nice little chat with Saruman for our after meal entertainment. It was certainly entertaining, with him using his voice to trick stupid Men into believing stupid things. As am Elf, am above such silly mind tricks, but Men are weak and highly susceptible. However, they snapped out of it when Gandalf proved that he is now The Most Powerful Wizard On Middle Earth So There by not only ordering Saruman the Formerly Most owerful Wizard Latterly Twisted Evil One about, but also breaking his staff without even touching it. This annoyed that rat Wormtongue - who, Merry and Pippin told us, had gone to Isengard and been sent over to the tower by Treebeard - who threw a stone down at Gandalf. Aim was awful, so missed and fell in puddle instead. Pippin picked up stone, because is stupid hobbit who doesn't know Palantir when he sees one. Nothing good can come of this...
Night time, same day
Was right, nothing good came of Pippin picking up that stone. He stole it from Gandalf - a move of great craftiness and bravery - and looked in it, getting to have a nice little chat with Sauron for his troubles. Now Gandalf has taken Pippin and is riding off somewhere, in great speed because one of those flying Nazgul things flew overhead. War is on the way. War = more battles = more stuff for me to kill.
[1] For those of you who aren't familiar with the Middle Earth calendars, each month only has thirty days, so from 26th Feb - 3rd March is eight days inclusive, not me being hopeless at counting days.
[2] Yes, I did add a 'y' to 'wickedy'. It's one of the many words I use which seem nonsensical but are actually pretty fun to say. And if Rozz reads this, the 'crafty and wily old foxes' is a reference to our one and only classics teacher ("I'd like to talk to Homer over a pint of beer, he seems like a beer person to me! The wily old fox that he was").
There, the end of another chapter and the first part of Two Towers. This was a bit more detailed than the first chapters because SO much happens in this bit of the book. Hopefully I managed to be funny as well as accurate; I'd like to know, so review please.