Right, sorry to have spent so long over this, but I've only just finished reading LOTR for the first time (finished during break last Tuesday, actually). And then I had EVIL Chemistry and Nasty English work to do, so this has taken ages. However, I think it's going to take about one more part after this one to finish the books.

Thanks again to all who reviewed.

LOTR lover - nope, not nagging, though your review did make me force myself to really knuckle down and get this finished.

Midnightrogue - I laughed out loud at your review. Mum yelled at me. Am blaming you.

And for those of you who wanted Legolas to kick Gimli: he does.

Disclaimers: nope, still don't own LOTR (which won the Empire award for Best Film and five Baftas, yay!) or Bridget Jones or Legolas (Orlando Bloom got the award for Best Debut, double yay! Even if Billy Boyd did get stropped about Empire giving the award to "Mr Cheekbones").

March 6th - Hornburg

No. of Rangers who joined us: 31; No. of other Elves: 2, Elrond's sons, poor, poor brunettes.

Have retreated to the Hornburg on way to muster of Rohan. Have been joined by creepy Rangers. They really do creep me out, all tall and dark and brooding, like they think its attractive to seem evil and/or sulky when you're actually kind-hearted. What's even creepier is that they seemed to be able to read Aragorn's thoughts, because he wished for them to be here and hey, here they are. And Elrond's sons are here, no doubt to prove that they are just as good, if not better, as blond Mirkwood Elves. They've got a hope, we're the best.

Is that narcissism, pride, arrogance or a bit of all three?

Elrond evidently hopes to outdo even Galadriel in 'guiding' events, sending advice to Aragorn along the lines of 'remember the Paths of the Dead'. Yeah, 'cos that makes sense. Well, it seemed to make sense to Aragorn, as did the present of a standard from Galadriel (obviously not wanting to be outdone by Elrond, there's such rivalry between Elvish ringbearers it's bordering on pathetic).

Aragorn left an hour or so ago. Offered to go with him, as he looked depressed and the last thing we need is the King of Gondor chucking himself off the roof of the Hornburg because he can't take the stress any longer. He declined my offer but took Halbarad instead. Am losing friend to Ranger, who happens to be an old friend of his. Great, am not only Dwarfist narcissist but am selfish as well.

Hang on, have to wake Merry and Gimli up.

Three quarters of an hour later

Stupid fools wouldn't wake up. Granted they're probably feeling pretty tired after everything that's happened, but we all are so its not much of an excuse.

Was disturbed by the fact that Gimli sucks his thumb. Eventually got him up by kicking him a couple of dozen times and calling him a "stupid, lazy Dwarf". He woke up in a rage, swore at me in Dwarvish and threatened to cut my legs off at the knee. Must say that that was pretty scary, if only because Gimli's beard looked a mess.

Merry was easier to wake up, fortunately. Didn't really feel like kicking a Hobbit, seems a bit mean to me. Kicking Dwarves on the other hand is allowed as they're Dwarves. Anyway, Gimli started blathering on about those bloody caves again and began pestering me about visiting them. Managed to shut him up by promising to visit them after this is all over. Stupid thing to say but had to stop him before he delivered another four hour lecture, which would, most likely, send Merry back to sleep.

Unfortunately, I mentioned Galadriel's name in connection with Elrond's sons deciding to join us, and that set Gimli off. Must remember to write letter to Galadriel about encouraging Dwarves by being nice to them. Gimli then asked why we didn't wish for Dwarves and Elves to turn up, as Aragorn had wished for his friends. I pointed out that we could hardly do that, as they were needed in their own homes because war was happening everywhere. Mostly true, but I was also thinking that I couldn't take more Dwarves raving on about those caves.

Am now setting off with Aragorn to take the Paths of the Dead. This involves a trip under a mountain, which is just great as I do so love being underground, especially with Gimli who will no doubt bore me silly by going on about the rock formation or whatever it is Dwarves find so fascinating. Will get revenge by teaching him as many different names for as many different trees as I can think of, even if I have to make them up!

Aragorn has looked into the Palantir and revealed himself to Sauron, so now Sauron knows that Isildur's heir is alive and well and preparing to kick arse. Sauron was probably annoyed to see the Sword again, as Sword is the same one that made glove wearing a bit of a problem for him.

And now I'm off to the Paths of the Dead, but will stop off at Dunharrow on way. No doubt will see Éowyn flirting outrageously with Aragorn again. Must remember to write to Arwen and tell her.

March 7th - Dunharrow

No. of times Éowyn made eyes at Aragorn: lost count; No. of times she whined about not being able to go and fight: 6.

Bloody Éowyn. First, she gawps at Aragorn then she says she's never seen better-looking Elves than Elrond's sons and then she has the nerve to tell Aragorn he's being an idiot. Surely she understands that he is King and happens to have a good idea of what he's doing. Besides, he's nervous enough as it is, the last thing he needs is some infant (for she is an infant to me, just as Aragorn's a kid, ha, am so much older than everyone else) telling him what to do and generally lowering his morale.

Overheard whole thing, including Éowyn's insistence that she go and fight. Correction, her whining that she should go and fight. Even when Aragorn pointed out that she had a duty to perform by staying and looking after her people, she kept going on and on about how unfair her life was. She obviously hasn't heard about Arwen, who can kick serious arse when she wants to but does not whine when her father tells her that today she must stay home and not go gallivanting about the countryside dunking Ring Wraiths in rivers. Have no problem with women fighting, but do have problem with them whining, is not the right way to go about it. My opinion of Éowyn was not improved when she said that the only reason any of us were going with Aragorn was because we loved him. Yeah, he's a good friend, but there's also going to be a big battle and I need to kill stuff, so its a perfect excuse.

March 8th - Erech

I've been through the Paths of the Dead and Gimli was afraid.

I've been through the Paths of the Dead and Gimli was afraid.

Allow me a while to laugh at the whole situation. A Dwarf, afraid to be underground, and an Elf happy to be there?

The journey was creepy though, I'll admit that. It didn't help that Aragorn was annoyed with me and Gimli for eavesdropping on him last night, however innocent we may have looked and however much we may have protested that we hadn't been dropping no eave, as Sam would say.

As for the Paths of the Dead...

Creepy.

We set out before dawn, which meant the forest was dark and Gimli got freaked. We reached the Dark Door and all the Men looked scared. Don't know why, I wasn't afraid, but maybe that's because I'm immortal so death is something that happens to other peoples. Didn't help that Arod (my horsey!) refused to go in, so I had to sing him into it. Felt so self-conscious, singing in front of all those people, but if Aragorn can break into song at the slightest provocation, so can I.

I eventually got Arod inside, which left Gimli, who had a strop and came stamping inside because I had gone in and he hadn't and it was an affront to his Dwarvish pride.

We'd been walking for a while when I got the shock of my life: hands reaching out of the darkness and grabbing my waist. Blessed Elfin self-control stopped me screaming something along the lines of "aieeeee!" and I turned round, knife at the ready.

"Its me," Gimli muttered. "I'm scared Master Elf."

"Are you indeed?"

"Yes."

"Well, what d'you expect me to do, I'm not holding your hand!"

"Didn't ask it Master Elf! But, could you tell me of Lothlorien and the Lady?"

"Will it help?"

"Yes."

I rolled my eyes - which he, fortunately, couldn't see in the darkness - but did so anyway. I know way too many stories, and was happy to unload a few to Gimli. I did so as quietly as possible, because Aragorn had told us to be quiet, but Gimli and I were near the back and the other Rangers weren't going to dob us in. It was either me telling stories or Gimli having hysterics.

Then Aragorn spotted something up ahead and went to investigate, which made Gimli have a definite panic attack and grab my tunic, evidently intending to tear it he was tugging so hard. He chose to see why Aragorn had spotted and went to look, forgetting to let go of me, which meant I was being towed along by the Dwarf as I held onto Arod's reins.

I've said it before but I'll say it again: STUPID DWARF!

Aragorn then started yelling to the darkness. There was something there, I could feel it, but it was still a bit weird for him to apparently be hollering at nothing.

Only there was something, and it was pretty annoyed because it blew our torches out. V. childish, in my opinion. After that it was about an hour before we got out, and Gimli ended up crawling along, crashing into my legs and nearly sending me flying. Felt urge to kick him again, but it would be a bit mean.

We got outside two hours before sunset, but we were in a chasm and the stars were visible. Gimli was dangerously close to gibbering and I didn't think he'd want to ride, but he made no complaint as he was helped onto the horse, though he did resort to clinging onto me for dear life. As we set out I made the mistake of turning to look behind us, not a mistake for me but a mistake for Gimli. Why? The Dead were riding behind us, like shadows but of Men and horses in full battle regalia. I announced this to all and sundry, making Gimli whimper and bury his face in my back, and Elladan say that the Dead had been summoned.

Aragorn can summon the Dead. Cool.

We rode through the Valley and caused quite a stir. 'Quite a stir'? That's putting it mildly, we scared everyone, not just because of the Dead but because the Rangers aren't the friendliest looking people on Middle Earth and Gimli was swearing in Dwarvish for a good deal of the time, which is enough to scare anyone away.

We reached the Stone and Aragorn blew and echoes replied. Not echoes like echoes, echoes like...no, that's wrong. It was like the people replying were mere echoes, which meant their horns sounded like mere echoes. Everything about them is an echo of life (ooh, deep).

Aragorn told the Oathbreakers off for breaking their Oath and not fighting, but they agreed to keep their Oath this time. He got all archaic on them - only Elves may speak archaic, all Elrond's fault he got an Elfin education - and had another "I am Elessar" moment - more names! He has so many names - but the Dead didn't seem to mind. We set out, with them behind us, riding into the night.

March 10th - riding

No. of times the sun rose: 0

You take things for granted, you know. Like, air and water and grass and sunlight. There's no sunlight, the sun has not risen, there was no dawn, this is the Dawnless Day.

Is v. bad day.

March 13th - Pelargir

No. of gulls heard on shore: 1, oops

Haven't written in a while, sorry 'bout that, but you haven't missed much, just riding and riding and Gimli complaining and riding.

The Darkness of Mordor seems to be recharging the Dead, they're looking more solid, less grey. Well, they still are grey, being dead, but they look like they've got some substance in them. They got a bit big for their boots and tried to overtake us, but Aragorn called them back. Wow, he can control even the Dead. Can Sauron do that? I think not (I hope not anyway).

When we reached the ford, there was a battle going on, Umbar and Harad v. Lamedon. Everyone but the Lord of Lamedon did a runner when they saw the dead. LoL agreed to follow us and we set out over the green fields. Well, they were MEANT to be green, but they were grey. Either there's evil afoot or those folk songs are liars.

Then got too near the sea. Heard sea birds. Damn.

There were fifty black ships - why black? What is it with Dark Lords, or would-be-Dark-Lords, and black? - at Pelargir and we kind of, um, borrowed them. We had to fight for them, because their owners weren't willing to share, even though we promised to have them back in good condition as soon as we could. Although owners were nasty Haradrim, so what else should we have expected? We had the Dead with us though, and they did most of the fighting, then left.

So now we're sailing to Gondor. At least, I'm sailing, Gimli's too busy being sick over the railings.

March 15th - Gondor

No. of Orcs killed - lost count after the first couple of hundred

Got to Pelennor Field just in time. Arrived on ships, jumped off ships and scared several Orcs. Then killed several hundred Orcs. Overall, a satisfying day.

Later, when battle lust had worn off

Was not satisfying day. I mean, we won, yatter yatter yatter, but we also lost several important people, ranging from:

King Théoden - who was struck down in a charge. Shame, nice man.

Denethor - Boromir's father, who went a little bit mad with depression and tried to burn himself and his remaining son alive. Gandalf saved Faramir but not Denethor.

Merry and Éowyn - weren't killed but did try to take on the Witch King on their own. OK, so, they won, but they also got pretty hurt in the process. Am sorry for everything I said about Éowyn, she's still cold, in my opinion, but she's tough.

So, Éowyn is tough, a Witch King killer and beautiful. Arwen is tough, a Nazgul dunker and beautiful. Éowyn is human, Arwen's an Elf. Aragorn respects Éowyn but loves Arwen. Well, Arwen wins, marginally.

March 16th - Houses of Healing

No. of Hobbits seen: 2.

Went to the Houses of Healing and had a good time reciting anecdotes with Merry and Pippin. Gimli actually admitted to being afraid of the caves, is a smart little Dwarf after all. Will pay him back by going to see those glittering caves at the Hornburg.

It isn't over yet, though. Soon we ride to Mordor. Soon we go to fight Sauron himself. Oh, Elendil, why oh why oh why did I agree to this one? I haven't questioned my sanity for a while, but now I really feel it's necessary. What am I doing? I've definitely gone mad this time.

March 18th - setting out from Minas Tirith

Am definitely insane. Have definitely spent too long in Dwarf caves, is seriously affecting my judgement.

March 19th - Morgul-Vale

No. of towers burnt: 1. Am narcissistic Dwarfist with pyromania.

Today we reached Morgul-Vale. Nasty, horrid, filthy, Nazgul infested place. We burnt it. It was fun.

March 20th - on the road to Mordor

No. of times ambushed: 1; no. of ambushes put down: 1, they'll not be trying that one again.

Getting closer to Mordor, getting closer to Mordor, getting closer to Mordor. What d'you mean scared? I ain't scared, just a little nervous.

Yeah, keep telling yourself that Legolas.

March 23rd

The faint hearted - if its fair to call them that - have been dismissed to Cair Andros, leaving us with 6000 to march on Mordor. Hmm, 6000 against I don't know how many Orcs, those are odds I like.

Seriously, though, it suddenly dawned on me that fewer of us and more of them means we have to kill more of them, which means I get to kill more of them. Am not scared anymore, am in sort of homicidal happy.

Am scaring Gimli.

March 24th - Desolation of the Morannon

Am in too much of homicidal, won't-it-be-fun-to-kill-some-Orc mood to write clearly, but will just say that when they call this place 'desolate' they mean it.

March 25th - Black Gate

Messenger of Mordor produced Frodo's belongings. Messenger said that we could have Frodo back in exchange for us walking away with our tails between our legs and letting him be our tyrant. Yeah, right, can really see that one happening. Gandalf disagreed as well, so the Messenger sprang his trap: hundreds of thousands of Orcs and other evil beings surrounded us, as the Nazgul flew overhead. We're surrounded, completely, and, oh look, cave trolls to make everything better.

I believe I speak for all of us when I say: oh, bugger.

And that's where I'll leave it, as that's what Tolkien does in the book. Please review, not best pleased with this chapter.