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CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO - FRUSTRATION
'Your words to me just a whisper … Your faces so unclear … I try to pay attention … Your words just disappear … 'Cause its always raining in my head … Forget all the thing's I should have said … So I speak to you in riddles because … My words get in my way … I smoke the whole thing to my head and feel it … wash away 'cause I don't take anymore … of this, I want to come apart … or dig myself a little hole … inside your precious heart … 'Cause its always raining in my head … Forget all the things I should have said … I am nothing more than a little boy inside … That cries out for attention … though I always try to hide … 'Cause I talk to you like children … Though I don't know how I feel … But I know I'll do the right thing … If the right thing is revealed … Cause its always raining in my head … Forget all the things I should have said … Never again, trusted in you … Fuck everything you think I should be … I stand, never again, never again … Can't Believe … (Staind: 'Epiphany')'
Church. Slums. Late Morning.
"You promised," He whispered into the empty church. "You promised to come back when it was all over. Where are you, Aeris?"
As usual there was no answer. The silence was deafening in his ears as he kneeled down to touch the flowers blooming in the flowerbed, Aeris' gift, her legacy, to the slums of Midgar. The petals caressed his hand in the same way her fingers had the night of their date at Gold Saucer, just a few days before her death at the sword of Sephiroth.
He sighed. Aeris was dead. Tifa was married. Married to that asshole Turk Reno no less. He could understand if it had been Reeve she'd chosen or Vincent or Barrett, but the Turk. He truly wondered if she'd lost her mind over the last year having been taken into the Midgar family, into the remnants of Shinra like she had. She claimed friendship with Elena, and wore the ring of Reno. Despite that Tifa looked happy, it still rankled that she'd chosen Reno over him. He was Cloud. Her childhood friend. The one she'd helped in the Lifestream. The one who'd left her standing on a field outside of Midgar a year ago.
'So maybe I wasn't the best to her.' But he'd had to know. He couldn't settle into a life with Tifa without making sure that Aeris hadn't returned to them. He couldn't walk away from that possibility; couldn't leave her stranded in the abandoned city if she had come back. But she hadn't. He'd been greeted with nothing but silence as he'd entered the hallowed streets of the Forgotten Capitol. The shell houses were all empty and her body still rested at the bottom of the lake.
He'd realized as he stood there, looking into the crystalline blue depths of the lake that he'd been chasing perfection, a dream he could never have. There had been no glorious resurrection of the flower girl, and there would be no "happily ever after" for him with her. What he had been searching for had always been right there with him, and he'd pushed it aside.
Cloud had stayed in the City of the Ancients for some time, constructing a small monument near the edge of the lake to his fallen friend. Afterwards, he had traveled, aimless for some time, finally arriving at the Gold Saucer. He'd wanted to return to Midgar and tell Tifa how he felt, but he hadn't been able to gather up the courage. When she'd come to him, the words poured out, but he'd been rejected in favor of that despicable Turk.
He'd helped keep a motley group of people together during the Meteor Crisis a year ago, but in the end he was the one left alone.
The doors of the church swung open, and he was only slightly aware of the sound as he tended to a small patch of flowers. The flowerbed was remarkably well tended for being in the abandoned church.
"They're all waiting for you." Jessie's soft voice spoke to him, interrupting him from his reverie over Aeris and Tifa. "Reeve doesn't want to start the ceremony without you."
"I wasn't planning on attending." He answered, not looking at her.
"Sector Seven is cleared." Jessie paused, unsure of what to say next. She'd been sent to retrieve Cloud from the church, having been selected because she was the only one that had any chance of getting through to him. He refused to speak to Tifa these days, he'd never been close to Reeve, and the others were Turks. "It's a historic event."
"Historic." He repeated, scowling. "The woman I fought with to save it is married to the man that destroyed it."
Jessie touched his hand that was so lovingly tending to Aeris' flowers. She'd never gotten to meet Aeris, but Tifa had told her about the Ancient during their trip to North Corel. She'd been told that this was considered 'Aeris' Church' and the flowerbed Cloud tended had been hers.
"He was only doing his job, Cloud." Jessie spoke softly, knowing she was treading on dangerous ground. Cloud had difficulty accepting her own relationship to Reno. "Do you think Nathan enjoys having the blood of so many on his hands?"
"Go ahead. Defend him." Cloud hacked at a weed that dared to grow amidst the beauty of Aeris' flowers.
"It's not a defense. It's the truth." Reno spoke from behind them and both Cloud and Jessie jumped at the sound of his voice. Neither had heard him enter. He liked it that way.
"Nathan!" Jessie was shocked to see her brother standing in the church. "What are you doing here?"
"You're taking too long." Reno shrugged. "I was sent to make sure all was well."
"I'm not going." Cloud repeated for Reno's benefit.
"Suit yourself." Reno responded, signaling to his sister to tell the others they'd be along shortly. Jessie nodded and departed the church.
Reno dropped to a seated position, bending one knee and leaving one leg sprawled out in front of him. He looked over at Cloud. "I'll just stay here with you and keep you company."
"Don't you have a ceremony to attend?" Cloud asked, trying to ignore his enemy.
"Don't you?" Reno retorted.
Cloud shrugged. "I only came back as a mercenary. My job is to kill the monsters in the Reactors. Nothing more."
"Fuck, Strife. Don't lie to me like that. You came back because of her."
"I came back for the gil. I would expect you to understand that, Reno." Cloud's tone was cold, trying to hide the emotion from both himself and from Reno.
"I do understand that, Strife. Very well." Reno paused, trying to figure out the best way to drive his point into that spiky head of Cloud's.
"Then why are we having this conversation?"
Reno was ready to pull his Electro-Mag rod and fry Cloud's ass into oblivion, but he'd promised his wife that he would try to be nice to her friends. "You know damned well why."
Cloud shrugged, tugging another weed out by its roots. Tugging it too hard, he accidentally pulled the roots of neighboring flowers up as well. He hastily replanted the disrupted flowers, gently packing the dirt around them to protect them.
"You left her in search of a corpse. What did you expect her to do? Wait for you to come to your senses? She's a beautiful woman, Strife. Far better than the likes of me deserves."
"I'll never accept you, Reno." Cloud told him, his words a grudging admission that Reno was right. He had left Tifa to go searching for the remnants of a brief past with Aeris, hoping to Holy that he would find the impossible- that Aeris had been resurrected- only to be disappointed when he'd finally decided to return to the one he had left heartbroken in his wake.
"I don't expect you to. But Tifa… she still considers you a friend. Don't make me hurt you, Strife."
"Is that a threat?" Cloud's Mako-enhanced blue eyes flashed in challenge.
"Only if you keep hurting her."
"I could mop the floor with you, Reno."
"Save it." He waved his hand dismissively, the ethereal light glinting off the band on his finger. "I've been listening to that for the last year. You saved the world, but I'm still a sneaky, underhanded Turk. Besides," Reno paused, putting on his trademark cocky grin. "Killing me still wouldn't get you the girl."
"I'd have the satisfaction of killing you."
Reno laughed, unable to resist the taunt that sprang to his lips. "Satisfaction doesn't wrap itself around you and keep you warm at night."
Cloud growled and shot Reno a threatening look as he got up and left the church. He'd rather go to the ceremony than listen to Reno rub in his relationship with Tifa any more. He was certain it couldn't be any worse than the current conversation. Besides, it was about time he got some recognition for saving the world. Maybe the ceremony was just the thing for him after all.