Thank you very much! I had a feeling that it was Buffett who wrote it, but I wasn't positive. I like that song, oh well, so I'm guessing that this isn't just a bunch of crap and that it is indeed to some extend funny and that I should continue? Once again, I'll stop wasting your time. Hope you enjoy, I've tried to make this chapter a bit different and I'll try to get back to my original style but still R & R please!
"Oh my word," said Ariel upon looking at Frodo after the birds had passed. Everyone else had the same reaction parallel to Ariel's. They looked in awe at the object that had come down upon them, well, it was more of the person who had fallen from no where.
"Who is she," said the fellowship in unison. Trisana and Ariel had not the slightest idea either.
"What difference does it make," piped Legolas from outside the little gathering around person, women to be precise, "she is here and she is among us." Ariel noticed something when he looked upon this mysterious human, admiration for her fine features perhaps. Yes, certainly, the girl was beautiful. She was slim and fit in her looks with big puffy lips and hair of gold. Ariel was envious towards the girl from then on, hostile in her manner and ways. It was only very mean and cruel and/or cruel and mean (which ever way you wish to look at the issue) that this GIRL was suddenly thrown into the mix of things all for ones enjoyment. Not to say in the least about part concerning competition for Legolas. Ariel was also confused at why she came in the first place for this was to be about her, meaning Ariel. This brings us to the conclusion that this was more the foundation that this contradicted the whole premise of the story. In other words, to put it in simple terms, why on earth would a parody against Mary-sues put in an actual Mary-sue? Well, to be frank, blunt, and rather hasty, I just felt like it.
"Where on earth am I," said the girl when she had awakened. She sat up and looked around. Her eyes were blue, deep, singing and shining pools into which one could be lost forever or feel lost under her penetrating gaze; typical, all too typical and expected. Planned.
"My lady," said Aragorn as he bowed low to the ground, "I am Aragorn, heir to the throne of Gondor. This is Gimli, son and Gloin, and here is Boromir of Minas Tirith. This would be Legolas Greenleaf of Mirkwood Forest," Legolas bowed low to the ground when introduced. Ariel was annoyed by this gesture and tried to picture what he would look like if he tripped over his lovely blond hair in the process, thus resulting in decapitation of his little slender neck… Ariel drifted into her own little thought for the third time in nearly fifty seconds. When the introductions were done, or so thought, the girl stared at the men for another few, what seemed like eternity, mostly stopping to admire Legolas' nicely chiseled face.
Trisana gave a polite cough for they had not been recognized by the company. This did not work for the eight men were drawn to this girl in a sickening and repulsive way, staring at questionably but still in the end, excepting her. Sam was busy picking his nose, no, not really but Ariel would have felt better if he was instead of staring opened mouthed and starry eyed.
When the cough did not work, Trisana coughed again. This failed as well. So, Trisana put in her best effort. She began to hack. Soon, or later I should say, Ariel caught on and began to hack as well. After about five minutes of their hacking which sounded…well we can leave that part out, they still did not get recognition for even existing. This was rather odd because, you would think if someone was hacking like a dyeing giant squid if squid made sounds when they croaked, that someone would be bound to notice. Both girls walked away dejectedly.
They both sat on the same log that they had been sitting on earlier and listened into the predictable conversation between the fellowship of the nine men who couldn't calm their hormones down and the girl who was as usual, pitifully vulnerable and horrendously unknowledgeable (much like Ariel and Trisana were but refused to admit).
"Dude, you dudes have funny names," said Trisana under her breath trying to arguer the future of the conversation.
"Whoa, you guys have strange names," said the girl aloud.
"Where in Kansas am I," murmured Trisana unto Ariel.
"Where in hel*s name am I?" she asked and the fellowship much to obliged to tell her answered her question five minutes later for they had all interrupted each other constantly in the process.
"Wholly guacomoly, wait a tick," exclaimed Ariel in a low voice.
"Wholly sh*t(ac-e-mushrooms), wait one gosh darn second," she began.
"Hobbits, leprechauns, and weird ugly fat men!" Ariel said.
"Hobbits, elves, and wizards!"
All three girls fainted at the same exact moment. The company stared speechlessly for a few seconds before contemplating exactly what had happened. Then things began to move once more. Ariel and Trisana got up and said something to the effect of the conversation not being as foretelling as they imagined.
They took some lembras out of their pack and munched it like popcorn while they watched Boromir and Legolas argue about who was to carry the women. A fistfight was already on the way and the rash words were just starting to amuse the two friends. Although, telling someone they are making an ass of themselves was the most that they spoke and this led to disappointment of the two girls. But the fistfight was more than expected, and more enjoyable than the movie.
Boromir took a swing at Legolas who ducked and rammed his head again Boromir's chest, knocking the wind out of him and catching him off his guard. Boromir recovered just in time before Legolas took a swing at him. He ducked and Legolas hit the firm rock behind his head. There was no give to the rock thus resulting in only in a large amount of pain for the elf. Boromir struck the elf hard on the back sending the elf to his knees.
Before another hard pelt could come aiming directly for the head, Legolas was on his feet once more. He was faster than Boromir by far but never the less; Boromir still had his skill and presence of mind. Legolas lifted his foot and kicked his competitor between the legs, which was far more painful than hitting a rock full force with ones knuckles. Boromir retaliated. Legolas came up to finish him off (whimpers heard in back round) when Boromir sprang up and unsheathed his sword.
Legolas did the same and know they were in a duel. Boromir was the first to lunge in Legolas' direction and Legolas moved swiftly and took this chance to strike. Boromir was upon his back in a matter of seconds but the battle was still not won. He ducked out of the way of the sword aimed for his chest and rolled onto his stomach enabling him to get once more to his ready. They prepared themselves before diving in once more to the combat. Legolas struck a blow that slashed Boromir's arm, and the open wound spurted his blood upon his tunic. Boromir returned the favor catching Legolas' on his cheek and left a small gash. Before more damage could be done, the two were abruptly cut off when Aragorn intervened.
"Stop this nonsense at once!" he cried shrilly. They stopped immediately; Boromir was latched onto Legolas' throat while Legolas had his dagger in his left hand raised and poised in a decent on to Boromir's open skin.
"Come now!" he said, his tone calming a little, "we will decide this matter in due course as sensible men."
They agreed and lowered their weapons, too ashamed to look at each other. Cheering was heard in the background once more. Ariel and Trisana had been placing bets with Gimli when the fighting had begun and now he was paying up.
******************
"Ariel," cried Trisana while they were preparing to go. Bill was packed and ready at the time with the girl that had fallen from nowhere on his back along with some of their equipment.
"Yes?" Ariel walked over to where Trisana was standing and gazed in her direction, through the pricks and brambles. Half camouflaged in such undergrowth, lay non-other than 'the clarinet'. Well technically it was only the clarinet case but in which was supposedly the actually clarinet. However, it could have just as easily passed as an overly large flute case or a very small trumpet case that Ariel was seriously hoping but since she was devoid of such possessions, the chances were slim. That did not stop her from imagining it to be an oboe or something of that sort. After awhile of thinking about this, she decided to give up hope. No, it was not low self-esteem that she gave in, it was the fact that all evidence proved it to be the clarinet (this might I add is a self-improvement of common sense).
"Oh my! It is haunting me! The cursed thing is hunting me! It tried to kill me!" she wailed and began to hallucinate, "I swear if I play one more piece by Gustav Holst or Dana Wilson I will die and go to they ninth level of Inferno!"
"There are only seven levels," Trisana corrected her in a scholarly manner, "you see, everyone knows that hell is conical shaped. Now, Cassious, Brutus, and Judas occupy the lowest level because the worst sin you can ever do is betrayal of your fellow man."
"Oh really, how interesting," said Ariel, forgetting the fact that she was suppose to be in her own little world hallucinating and wailing at the top of her lungs. "But Dante, the author of The Divine Comedy said that there were nine levels because the poet Vergil was his tour guide and he…" she suddenly came back to the trauma of what was happening. "Hey, I'm not asking for a lesson in Theology! I said my clarinet case is trying to…"
"Put you out of your misery," said Gimli, coming up from behind them. Such a statement could only be ignored for there was no reply or comeback that Ariel's slow mind could think of.
"We are leaving now, so on with you, hurry now," he said gruffly and stocked off to join the rest.
Ariel suddenly began to laugh. To tell you the truth, it was more of a cackle. And yes, I am sure you were thinking exactly what I was thinking; she did indeed sounded like a cackling drunken sailor if sailors do cackle when they are drunk. She was laughing for about five minute and was starting to change to a royal shade of aquamarine. The fellowship were slightly amused at first but concerned and well, more frightened than anything. Ok, so they were not concerned the least unless you count for their own safety.
When she didn't stop and the laughter became and more piercing they started to get very afraid.
'She is mad,' they thought. Each one of them began to plan and make a list of fifty ways to make her silent. This mainly ended, all ended to be frank, in either falling on pointy objects from a lofty height or simply by the usual suffocation, drowning, or the off-with-her-head trick, all seemed to do the job well. If worse came to worst, they would just make her smell Gimli's armpit or something horrendous like that. What a catastrophe it would be! (How very exciting!)
Trisana, however, was thinking that the pipe-weed was a bit stronger than she or Ariel realized.
"Oh, oh!" She choked out between her unfit state of hyperactive nausea, "oh, ya' misses! Ya' missed me! Ha! You think it's that easy? I'm unstoppable, indestructible, who taught you to throw? Or to aim in that case? You throw like a cross-dressing rhinoceros with a horn stuck too far up its rear!" She gloated and then gasped and then gloated again (but the number one rule is never to gloat. Again I give you dire warning to never gloat unless you are out of the wraith.) For, Ariel had spoken too soon, far too soon.
Trisana's cymbals came down on her head, clattering and clanging as they hit the hard skull. All was silent until the ringing of the last cymbal ceased.
"Oye," said Trisana as the looked up, "that must have hurt." They all agreed and went on with their business.
When they had finished their business they started to head out when came a cry from Trisana;
"You have forgotten Ariel!"
"No we have not my Lady," said Gandalf.
"Why is she lying here then?
'This mission could not go on with these women,' thought Gandalf. And this was desided in secret among the men and dwarf and elf that the mission could not continue with such impudent, tantalizing, and disturbing girls. It was then that he decided upon telling Trisana this news. The fellowship was in jeopardy but to rely on these young women to help the mission was absurd, impossible. Briefly, Gandalf attempted to remember why Elrond had let them join coming only to the conclusion that he must have had other obligations to fill and was too busy at that moment to deal with the fate of the world. He would not lead them into graver danger, with the threat that their whole mission could easily become more threatening. The real danger linked to these girls, they would be vulnerable with such targets. A woman could not endure half of what a man could and this concept had proved true from the beginning. He would have to relate such conclusion to Trisana who would take it less harshly than Ariel, who had proved utterly insane. Ere the day he walked, then and there would he have never guessed what Trisana's little unheard voice had replied. Of then afterwards, he would no longer contradict what issues lay in their little numbskulls.
"Trisana," he replied hesitantly, "I would think it wise indeed if you and your friend returned to Rivendell."
"What?" said Trisana not comprehending him, "I do not fully understand."
"You are not fit for this mission and neither is your friend Ariel, my advice is to turn back now."
"Where are you coming from?" questioned Trisana.
"Trisana, my lady, do not make me repeat myself for you understand you are only a disturbance to our mission, you aid us not."
"Dude, your just going to leave me here to rot? Gosh Gandalf, your no better than that cross-dressing rhinoceros!"
"I have warned you against such rash words my lady," replied Gandalf angered and with that he grew in size, daunting and intimidating. At first even Trisana was intimidated and but she quickly regained what whit she had and roared and bellowed in her squeaky, youthful voice;
"Your demeanor is not as horrendous as it may appear. 'Objects in mirrors are larger than they appear'. I am most certainly looking at the mirror image of an incompetent fool!" Gandalf was flamed by such a remark.
"I repeat once again to not underestimate my power, do heed a wizards wrath for it is much less daunting than your timely maneuvers."
"You Gandalf," she replied in a fearsome tone, "will be warned never to interfere with a women with PMS."
Gandalf was confused by this statement and made no reply. He shrank to his original size once more.
"Why do you say such things, thus you may likely know such consequence?"
"Because," she replied not looking directly at him, "I am your mother's wife's sister-in-law's cousin thrice removed best friend's old nemesis."
"My mother did not have a wife," he replied.
"They divorced before you were born," said Trisana sadly with concern overcoming her flushed face, "I am sorry that you had to hear that from me."
From then on the two became friends. The bond between them was stronger then ever imagined, since after all, they were family. The company enjoyed the reunion of the two lost relatives until they realized that Ariel would still be joining them. Of course this only dismayed Gimli for he was the unfortunate soul who would have to lug her sorry bottom up Carahas. Bill had not been able to carry both girls and the equipment, seeing as no one wanted to carry more than their fair share.
*******************
It was when they had camped that the girl had awoken from her beauty sleep to find herself in the arms of Boromir or Legolas. She didn't really know but the point still remained that she was in someone's arms. Of course, she most likely would have liked to be in Legolas' arms but that is not the point.
She gave a shriek that could have easily woken the dead, most likely betraying their vulnerable position. It was then that Legolas spoke;
"Here, here my Lady, no need to be afraid," he said soothingly, "you are safe with us for the most part."
"Where am I," she demanded.
"We are traveling to the mountain Carahas," said Boromir before Legolas could answer.
"May we ask your name," spoke Sam before more attention could be drawn to the man or dwarf.
"My name," she said distantly, "my name is Amery Dias."
(note, I did have the erge to name her Supefly or Nathaniel, just thought you may like to know that)
The company all shook their heads and remarked that they indeed, liked her name. They would all remember it, which Trisana found rather annoying since they continually call Ariel 'Ersela'. Of course, had the girl's name been 'up yours' they still would have liked it and treated her as goddess of Uranus or something along that line (pardon the pun).
"We will let you travel with us, lady Amery," Gandalf said.
"Of course, if you don't, you may as well figure fifty exotic ways to hang yourself heroically since you'd probably die anyway if you didn't follow," Trisana piped in stating only the obvious. The men did not like this statement of course because their hormones were overtaking their brains.
"I will travel with you," she said at length, "but I want you to be warned elf, not to mess with me, ok? Do we have an understanding?"
"Dude," Trisana thought when she would ponder over this later, "Mary-sues join the mission a little faster than expected, maybe this is just typical of Mary-sue writers."
*********************
Well, we all no what happens at Carahas so we need not linger on it, since I do not feel in the mood to write about it, we will how have a brief overview of it before we skip right to Moria since Moria will be much better than Carahas.
Ariel did not wake up till later, and found herself being carried by none other than Gimli. She screamed and rolled down half of Carahas before she was able to grab a hold of Legolas, which did not turn out too bad, except for that fact that he was carrying Amery because Amery was too weak to walk as she told everyone. Later on Trisana had made Amery walk while Legolas went to 'find the sun' (she found this line very corny) at which point Amery got bored and took out her Discman and began to sing (on key) to some pop song that Trisana absolutely despised. Therefor, she took out her cymbals and began to beat them together until Amery stopped. This wouldn't have been so bad had Ariel not been singing 'when you wish upon a star' at the top of her lungs. Also, Trisana's cymbals were also permanently dented because of the fall onto Ariel's thick head.
Later on, after Trisana had been walking with Legolas on the snow, this had angered Areil so then she dragged both of them down and made them walk like normal people. Well, that sums up Carahas at a glance. Nothing much else happened except when the snow fell upon them, Ariel began running around like a maniac because Gimli had tried to get her out of the way and grabbed her arm in doing so. She was now even more scarred for life then before.
Now, when running around in doing so, she began to sing another one of her many poems that she liked to call 'the road from the somewhat unintelligent to the complete unintelligent'. Emily Dickinson had written it but she purposely changed the words around to fit her needs.
'The brain is smaller than a snail,
For hold them gray to gray,
The one the other will include,
As sponges buckets do.'
Ok, well I hope that isn't that bad. Let me know what you think, sorry it took so long to write and I wish I could blame it on writers' block but no, I can't put on that pretence no matter how I try. Is it ok or should I stop before I get too big for my britches? Awe well, it was fun to write but took me an awful long time to do in the process. Thinking is always a bad idea for me if it is a comedy (or writing in general).