"And why is everyone making out," you ask my dear dancingqueen and I simply reply to mind yourself. Do not underestimate my writing power for I am an all powerful all seeing writer and am not blinded to my own parody against mary-sue though I admit half heatedly to enjoy them. Well that certainly makes no sense so to put it plainly with a really long run on sentence, I am impatient and my characters can do whatever they want whenever they want since I am the almighty author of them; I hold their strings while the marionettes dance to my command. So, in being a non-waiting type of person for many people have to wait in their lives, everyone is waiting and that drives me mad, so this being a parody and not making logical sense, I have rendered to extreme conditions in my part of being hasty and nonobservant. Overdone perhaps but I am aware of my major impatience and that is for the reader to decide. (hint hint, meaning to read and review major!)
The gates of Moria were opening as slowly as possibly as though a wait was on the other side that bared them from entering. The make-out sessions and the new findings of love were abruptly ended. Everyone rushed from the forest to the gate, Ariel slipping on stones into the lake in doing so.
They stood for a time and stared into the great hole, each anticipating the first steps forward into the unlit cave. Well, Ariel was not thinking this and was as usual, contemplating if there was a dry-cleaners around anywhere. Trisana was contemplating well, we don't know for Trisana's mind is far more confusing than Ariel's so she could just as easily be wondering if Legolas wouldn't mind if she picked her nose since Amery didn't seem to mind Sam doing so. It was at this moment of pitiful contemplation that the large lake monster that bared a striking resemblance to Gandalf, came from the murky water below. However, instead of grabbing Frodo, the ghastly creature gripped its slimy tentacles over Amery.
"Hold on Lady Amery!" cried the fellowship at once in unison. The men set to work at hacking the limbs of the great beast. Legolas drew his arrow and shot it into the great mouth and the creatures groaned and slapped its slimy arms upon the water causing quite a splash.
"Oh Sam!" cried Amery as she plummeted into the water and was then dragged out.
"Sam!" she cried in between screams of help, "take my rug! The rug made from my dear puddle Tofu left to me by my Great Aunt Angelica! Take it to remember me by!"
"But you cannot leave me!" cried the hapless hobbit in tears who was cowering in the shadows. But this love was not to be.
The creature roared and shoved the half conscious girl into its monstrous mouth, swallowed and Amery Dias was seen no more.
Some say she still lives in the foul creature awaiting the day her true love would come a rescue her. She could never move on, nor could Sam for the next few years, or months to be exact. No, no! let us be perfectly truthful to a completely horrifying extent, he was only in such state for a few minutes till Frodo went and talked to him for a long, long, long time and we will leave it at that.
"Well," said Ariel when they had entered Moria, the walls crashing down on either side of them.
"Too bad."
They all stood and stared at their feet from what they had just witnessed.
"That was a dousey."
They shook their heads solemnly agreeing.
"So!" Trisana broke the silence, "who wants coffee and green eggs?"
*********
"So what shall we do now?" said Ariel as she skipped gaily from one foot to another and then stumbling then stumbling some more until at length she figured out it is not a good idea for one is not to skip in the dark.
"We are to go under the mountain to the other side of Moria," Gandalf replied to her.
"Oh, how terrifyingly interesting! Mr. Pockets will dearly love that!" she said only half consious of what was coming from her overly large and blunt mouth.
"Who is this Mr. Pockets that you speak of my lady?" said Boromir coming up from the end of the line for they had stopped to rest and have another bathroom break. Now it was Trisana's turn to ask the unsuspecting Sam if he had a tampon.
"Oh, just a friend my dear little man! Nothing more," she said seeing the look on Gimli's flushed face.
"Oh Trisana, do you not know of Mr. Pockets? He is a dear friend of mine?" Trisana shook her head no for she had not heard of Mr. Pockets until just now. Ariel automatically jumped into a poem;
"I wish to have you as a friend
To do what friends often do,
To site and talk,
To run and play,
To whisper secrets to."
But then she forgot the rest only because that was the only verse so she decided to jump into another poem;
"They told me you had been to her,
And seen me here before,
She gave me a good character,
But I said I could not swim,
They sent him word I had not gone
We know it to be true,
if she should push the matter on,
what would become of you?
She gave him one,
They gave him two,
He gave us three or more,
They all returned from him to you
Though they were mine before,
If I or she should chanced to be involved in this affair,
He trusts to you to set them free
Exactly as they were,
My notion was that you had been before she had this fit,
An obstacle that came between him, ourselves, and it.
Don't let him know she liked them best
For this must ever be,
A secret kept from all the rest between yourself and me."
But by then no one was listening to Ariel drown on about the pronoun poem that took her so very long to memorize for they were rummaging through Amery's belongings in attempts to find something useful. Of course, all they found was her Discman, the rug made from her little doggie Tofu passed on from her great Aunt Angelica who had forgotten to feed it for a whole two years, and the Nutcracker Sweet soundtrack along with Mozart and Dana Wilson and Gustav Holst's band music arrangement soundtrack which was thrown into the fire by a very the disgruntled Ariel and Trisana though both Sam and Boromir had pleaded them not to. They also found some clothing, which fit neither Ariel nor Trisana much to their disappointment for Ariel's nice somewhat smelly britches had been ruined. Please, don't ask why they were wearing britches for I do not comprehend their slow witted minds just as much as you don't or at least shouldn't. It is much better that they were wearing britches then knickers though but if you want to read about girls that wear knickers please read Madame Blueberry's piece entitled 'Alka Seltzer is Dangerous'. But that is far off the point of the pants issue.
Well the pants did fit Sam so Sam wore them for a time until he complained of rashes on his bottom end. It ended up being a bad case of hives and he was not able to wear his pants comfortably for a good two weeks or so. He wanted to go around without any pants at all but Aragorn, Gandalf and everyone else that did not include Frodo had an opposing view against this idea and forbid him to do so.
They also found a lighter, a few cigarettes, some chewing tobacco, a few bits of some powdery substances and that was it besides the mother-load off tampons and pads that they had been deprived of.
"How dare she!" cried Ariel in dismay as she looked upon the treasure.
"Come and make no denial we must have a trial, said the cunning old Furry and we must have a trial, I'll be judge and I'll be jury I'll trial the whole trial and condemn you to death," Trisana said under her breath barely audible. She was also a large fan of Alice and Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass and every once in a great while would break out into rhyme.
"Holy guacamole!" cried the others when they had reached into her bag and at last pulled out a crudely bound book with crudely bound pages and it's cover crudely torn and slashed in many places. It was entitled The Fellowship of the Rings.
"Dude, cool socks," said Ariel as she looked at the toe socks in Boromir's hands. He looked protectively at them as if to say that they were his. They were a stunning hue of pink and rainbows stripes with a cute little puppy on the front. She looked away and when she looked back, Boromir had placed them on his feet and was now looking remarkably like a cross between Brittany Spears and the dancing hippos in tutus on Fantasia.
"You look ridiculous," said Gimli flatly.
"That is only because you are not wearing them my good dwarf," Boromir replied not looking at him. Instead he was gazing at his feet in fascination for he had never worn socks like such, to think of it, he had never worn sock at all. Nor had Sam whose feet stunk far worse than Boromir's so it was quite a nice thought that he put the other pair of socks on. They were little froggies on the front with little crowns saying princess on it. They were also toe-socks and were vertically striped down the sides.
'Sam should also get some fungal cream for those feet,' noted Trisana to herself. So, to conclude the trio, Frodo put on the last pair of toe-socks with cows and moons and stars on it (that glowed in the dark, how cool!) and he looked remarkably like a cross-dressing hippo as well. Anyway, the three Fantasia fanatics were walking around for that leg of the journey in lovely flashy, gaudy, and florescent colored socks that went over their pants.
Well, for the next few hours, the rest of the sane fellowship was forced to listen to why people shouldn't smoke anything even if it is only pipe-weed and that the tar used in cigarettes is only two chemical compounds away from the tar used to pave the roads and how there are 3000 known chemicals in a cigarette and about 45 of them are known to cause cancer. Of course by then the fellowship was not listening and at length even Trisana got frustrated with Ariel fervent attempts to explain why smoking was bad.
"You know, Ariel, people don't really care about how bad smoking is at this point in time. In fact, dyeing of lung cancer right now is much better than falling into a big vat of boiling lava on Mount Doom."
"Well, I still say that name is corny, who names their child Sauron in the first place? And what an unbelievably unimaginative name is Mount Doom? Oh, Tolkien must have been smoking a bit too much of his own weed to have such horrid names!"
"Well, let us switch the subject then to something more suitable. Have you heard that they have made studies that say diet soda under the right temperatures can turn to formaldehyde?"
"No I have not, how very interesting. Do you know how to play chubby bunny?"
"Yes, I do!"
"Amery must have packed some marshmallows too, I do not no how old they are but they are much better than the lembras."
"Oh joy!" cried Trisana, "We shall have a jolly time playing it!"
**********
They had stopped to make a fire and Gandalf risked a little more light while they took a rest. But Trisana and Ariel would not have it so. They were up and about with the marshmallows, as were Legolas, Gimli, Merry, and Pippin. Frodo was busy talking to Gandalf about some unknown creature that he had seen.
"You see dear boy, one cannot deal out death. Those who deserve it may not get such treatment and those who do may not deserve such. Who are you to give out such punishment? Mercy, my boy…" but he was stopped by Ariel who was playing chubby bunny.
" Tufffy Funnhy! Tufffy Funnhy!" she cried as she had about fifteen marshmallows in her mouth at that time and was cramming about five more in.
"Tufffy Funnhy, Tufffy Funnhy," and she went on to push some more into her mouth which was getting crouded. Eventually she did choke but that is for the next chapter my dear readers for it is late and I am tired and I must post now before I am forced with a crowbar to get of the computer.
I do hope you enjoyed this chapter but I warn you, if no one reviews, another one will bite the dust, and so on and so forth to do my bidding and in a very short time there will be no story left to read besides that of J R R Tolkiens' masterpiece. So please review or Trisana, maybe even Gimli or Legolas will come to their fate far too soon. Do review, you would not wish to be responsible for their deaths would you?