Harry Potter, the weakest link.
Contestants:
Harry Potter
Ron Weasley
Hermione Granger
Albus Dumbledore
Severus Snape
Fred (or is it George?) Weasley
Draco Malfoy
Sirius Black
Remus Lupin
And our host: Voldemort!
Round 1:
Voldemort: Hello. I am your host, for this episode of 'The weakest wizard'
Let's talk to a few of our contestants, shall we?
Harry: I'm Harry Potter. I have defeated you-know-who on no-less than 4 occasions, well, that's until the 5th book comes out. I enjoy playing Quidditch.
Ron: I'm Ron, Harry's sidekick. I like playing wizard chess.
Hermione: *I'm* Hermione Granger. And *you're* Voldemort, I read about you. I read a lot of things. Most things, actually…
Dumbledore: I'm Albus, would you like a sherbert lemon?
Snape: I'm Severus Snape, the potions master at Hogwart's school of witchcraft and wizardry. I enjoy terrorising innocent 1st year Gryffindors, and I despise Harry Potter.
Harry: That feeling's bloody mutual, I can assure you!
Fred: I'm Fred. Or George. I can't remember which.
Draco Malfoy: The name's Malfoy, Draco Malfoy. I am a pureblood wizard. I enjoy practising the dark arts.
Sirius: Sirius Black, I'm on the run from the dementors, and when they find me they will suck out my soul.
Remus Lupin: I'm a werewolf. I enjoy romantic dinners, going to the theatre and strolls along the beach…
Voldemort: Okay, now on with the questions!
Voldemort: Harry.
Harry: BANK!
Voldemort: YOU CAN'T BANK YET!!! What is the name of the famous wizard who at the age of 1 defeated me?
Harry: Um…can I ask the audience?
Voldemort: No – and I doubt they'd know either. RON! What is the surname of the member of the four founders called Godric?
Ron: Gryffindor.
Voldemort: Correct. Hermione, what is my middle name?
Hermione: Marvalo?
Voldemort: Yes. Albus! Who helped to defeat Grindlewald?
Dumbledore: Oh, I believe that was…me.
Voldemort: Yes. Severus, where are red-caps most commonly found?
Snape: Mongolia.
Voldemort: NO! Japan, right – Fred! What does 'O.W.L' stand for?
Fred: I'm not Fred, I'm George!
Voldemort: WRONG! The answer was 'ordinary wizarding levels' Draco, why do you hate Potter?
Draco: Because I'm a jealous knob.
Voldemort: CORRECT!! Lupin, what is the name of the Bulgarian team's seeker?
Lupin: Viktor Krum.
Voldemort: Yes, now – on with the voting.
Voice over (Hagrid) – Statistically, right, um…no-one's really the strongest or weakest link 'cos we only had time for one question each.
Voldemort: NOW! Tell us who you are all voting for.
Harry: Snape
Ron: Snape
Hermione: Snape
Dumbledore: Snape
Fred: Snape
Draco: Snape
Lupin: Snape
Snape: Potter.
Voldemort: Right…why Snape everyone?
Harry: He's a git.
Ron: He's a git.
Hermione: Mongolia? COME ON!!
Dumbledore: I thought we had to write down the people we fancy…
Fred: He's a git.
Draco: Sorry Professor, but you gave me a shit mark the other day in potions.
Lupin: He's a git, who doesn't know a thing about DADA!!
Snape: ~eyes narrow~
Voldemort: Well. I don't want to vote off my Sevvie-poo, because he's my loyal death-eater, aren't you?
Dumbledore: Sevvie-poo!
Voldemort: Dumbledore can go! Go on, bye! Piss off you old bastard, go on, clear off!
Dumbledore leaves.
_*_Highlights from the second round_*_
Voldemort: What does the polyjuice potion do?
Ron: Um…wait, don't tell me – I know this one!
Voldemort: No you don't.
Hermione: RON!! You should know that one, we made it in book 2, remember? We broke into Snape's private stores and…oops.
Snape: 1million points from Gryffindor!!!
Ron: DAMN!!
3rd round – Hagrid (voice over)
Well – everyone's completely useless, apart from Hermione, she's doing okay. Um…Lupin turned into a werewolf during the last round, and ate Ron, but that was okay.
______________________________________________________________
Voldemort: Right, another round!
All: ~Groan…~
Voldemort: CRUCIO!!
Everyone apart from Snape and Harry writhe around in pain, then die.
Harry: ~shakes~
Voldemort: Right, Harry! What are the 3 main ingredients in a swelling potion?
Harry: Um…
Snape: Go on Potter! Worm your way out of this one!
Harry: Um…my parents died when I was only 1. ~sniff~
Audience: Aaaaah!
Voldemort: Okay, Severus can have this question.
Snape: WHAT?!! How come Potter gets away with it?
Voldemort: WRONG! Even though you _are_ a potions master! Harry, you are the winner!!
Snape: WHAT??!!! ~swears and shouts and begins to foam at the mouth.~
Harry: YAY!!
Backstage:
Harry: I knew I'd win, I mean come on, I'm the main character in the books, aren't I? I feel so glad about beating Snape, but I might have to hire a bodyguard…
Snape: DAMN THAT POTTER!!! I will have my revenge, I will get him if It's the last thing I do!
Voldemort: Sevvie-poo! I have the car waiting.
Snape: Coming…~mouth twitches~
Contestants:
Harry Potter
Ron Weasley
Hermione Granger
Albus Dumbledore
Severus Snape
Fred (or is it George?) Weasley
Draco Malfoy
Sirius Black
Remus Lupin
And our host: Voldemort!
Round 1:
Voldemort: Hello. I am your host, for this episode of 'The weakest wizard'
Let's talk to a few of our contestants, shall we?
Harry: I'm Harry Potter. I have defeated you-know-who on no-less than 4 occasions, well, that's until the 5th book comes out. I enjoy playing Quidditch.
Ron: I'm Ron, Harry's sidekick. I like playing wizard chess.
Hermione: *I'm* Hermione Granger. And *you're* Voldemort, I read about you. I read a lot of things. Most things, actually…
Dumbledore: I'm Albus, would you like a sherbert lemon?
Snape: I'm Severus Snape, the potions master at Hogwart's school of witchcraft and wizardry. I enjoy terrorising innocent 1st year Gryffindors, and I despise Harry Potter.
Harry: That feeling's bloody mutual, I can assure you!
Fred: I'm Fred. Or George. I can't remember which.
Draco Malfoy: The name's Malfoy, Draco Malfoy. I am a pureblood wizard. I enjoy practising the dark arts.
Sirius: Sirius Black, I'm on the run from the dementors, and when they find me they will suck out my soul.
Remus Lupin: I'm a werewolf. I enjoy romantic dinners, going to the theatre and strolls along the beach…
Voldemort: Okay, now on with the questions!
Voldemort: Harry.
Harry: BANK!
Voldemort: YOU CAN'T BANK YET!!! What is the name of the famous wizard who at the age of 1 defeated me?
Harry: Um…can I ask the audience?
Voldemort: No – and I doubt they'd know either. RON! What is the surname of the member of the four founders called Godric?
Ron: Gryffindor.
Voldemort: Correct. Hermione, what is my middle name?
Hermione: Marvalo?
Voldemort: Yes. Albus! Who helped to defeat Grindlewald?
Dumbledore: Oh, I believe that was…me.
Voldemort: Yes. Severus, where are red-caps most commonly found?
Snape: Mongolia.
Voldemort: NO! Japan, right – Fred! What does 'O.W.L' stand for?
Fred: I'm not Fred, I'm George!
Voldemort: WRONG! The answer was 'ordinary wizarding levels' Draco, why do you hate Potter?
Draco: Because I'm a jealous knob.
Voldemort: CORRECT!! Lupin, what is the name of the Bulgarian team's seeker?
Lupin: Viktor Krum.
Voldemort: Yes, now – on with the voting.
Voice over (Hagrid) – Statistically, right, um…no-one's really the strongest or weakest link 'cos we only had time for one question each.
Voldemort: NOW! Tell us who you are all voting for.
Harry: Snape
Ron: Snape
Hermione: Snape
Dumbledore: Snape
Fred: Snape
Draco: Snape
Lupin: Snape
Snape: Potter.
Voldemort: Right…why Snape everyone?
Harry: He's a git.
Ron: He's a git.
Hermione: Mongolia? COME ON!!
Dumbledore: I thought we had to write down the people we fancy…
Fred: He's a git.
Draco: Sorry Professor, but you gave me a shit mark the other day in potions.
Lupin: He's a git, who doesn't know a thing about DADA!!
Snape: ~eyes narrow~
Voldemort: Well. I don't want to vote off my Sevvie-poo, because he's my loyal death-eater, aren't you?
Dumbledore: Sevvie-poo!
Voldemort: Dumbledore can go! Go on, bye! Piss off you old bastard, go on, clear off!
Dumbledore leaves.
_*_Highlights from the second round_*_
Voldemort: What does the polyjuice potion do?
Ron: Um…wait, don't tell me – I know this one!
Voldemort: No you don't.
Hermione: RON!! You should know that one, we made it in book 2, remember? We broke into Snape's private stores and…oops.
Snape: 1million points from Gryffindor!!!
Ron: DAMN!!
3rd round – Hagrid (voice over)
Well – everyone's completely useless, apart from Hermione, she's doing okay. Um…Lupin turned into a werewolf during the last round, and ate Ron, but that was okay.
______________________________________________________________
Voldemort: Right, another round!
All: ~Groan…~
Voldemort: CRUCIO!!
Everyone apart from Snape and Harry writhe around in pain, then die.
Harry: ~shakes~
Voldemort: Right, Harry! What are the 3 main ingredients in a swelling potion?
Harry: Um…
Snape: Go on Potter! Worm your way out of this one!
Harry: Um…my parents died when I was only 1. ~sniff~
Audience: Aaaaah!
Voldemort: Okay, Severus can have this question.
Snape: WHAT?!! How come Potter gets away with it?
Voldemort: WRONG! Even though you _are_ a potions master! Harry, you are the winner!!
Snape: WHAT??!!! ~swears and shouts and begins to foam at the mouth.~
Harry: YAY!!
Backstage:
Harry: I knew I'd win, I mean come on, I'm the main character in the books, aren't I? I feel so glad about beating Snape, but I might have to hire a bodyguard…
Snape: DAMN THAT POTTER!!! I will have my revenge, I will get him if It's the last thing I do!
Voldemort: Sevvie-poo! I have the car waiting.
Snape: Coming…~mouth twitches~