There was a time I had your life in my hands
And you had life left in your eyes
There was a time I caught your hiding inside
From something shining through the blinds
It´s not the shadow by the red lights
That makes my skin crawl late at night
Fragment from Kent's "Quiet Heart"
Part 6
Severus had no idea where he'd found the energy to get out of bed. Last night's ordeal with Harry had ended with a long and endless night, filled with both old and new nightmares. And the last class he had today was with Gryffindors and Slytherins. He dressed and went for breakfast, appearance cold and snide as ever, but with a bleeding heart hidden deep within him.
When Harry didn't show up for breakfast, Severus wasn't really surprised.
Neither did Ron and Hermione. Not breathtaking news that either. So now three people most likely knew his secret. How many more by the end of the day? Just three more months and he could leave Hogwarts in shame. Severus almost looked forward to it. He'd been broken down so many times over the past years by his old master Voldemort that he was used to the idea of never reaching happiness in his life. He had only contempt for his role as the one who was always doing the dirty work and never gets any credit for it. In the war he had acted as a true hero, but he was doomed to invisibility. No one seemed to notice the good living inside him, and in consequence, Severus showed himself less and less. He didn't eat much. Minerva noticed this of course and asked him teasingly if he was starting a diet. Severus growled back at her and left the table with swift steps.
*-*
Harry awoke with Ron and Hermione by the side of his four poster's bed.
"Oh, you poor thing!" Hermione sniffled as he slowly sat up. So it hadn't been a dream then.
"Thank's for keeping it secret Ron!" he said as he found his glasses on his nightstand.
"But I had to tell Mione! She can help us!" Ron argued feverishly: "And you know she won't tell a living soul. It's just the three of us who knows this, and of course the monster bat himself!" he added. Harry just wanted to drift back to sleep. At least his night had been free of dreams of any kind. But the memory from the image in the mirror came back to hunt him now, in broad daylight. Him, holding Snape in his arms, looking so happy. The mirror had to be broken. It now instead showed the reflections of your worst nightmares.
By breakfast time Harry started to tell his friends about all that had happened last night in the dungeons. By the time of first class he was finished with his story, but he left out the part about the mirror. Both Ron and Hermione looked pale and uneasy.
"I'll never claim you have it easy ever again," a grave Ron mumbled. Hermione was crying her eyes out at Ron's right. She was looking so distraught Ron had to comfort her.
"That is the saddest love-story I've ever heard!" she bawled and dried her eyes. Ron looked like someone had just called his red hair pink with yellow spots.
"Love-story?!" he yelled in an outraged voice: "How the hell can you call
THAT a LOVE story??!" Hermione gave him a look revealing one of the many facts of life: men simply don't get it.
"Hello!" she said: "Do you even know what soul mates are? There are just one in a million of us who's so lucky to be destined with the perfect partner. A person that fulfils you in every possible way, you two make a perfect union a never-ending circle. Soul mates are destined to be together and nothing can change that. And what is so dreadfully sad is that there was an error somewhere in the system, Harry met Snape some years too early, maybe Snape was born some years too soon. Don't you see? Severus had to let the love of his life go! He didn't have the heart to do what destiny claimed for him. All this years he's been doing the worst thing he'd ever have to do, Harry- hide his love to you!" Harry just looked at her, face blank. So Ron did the talking for him.
"Hello yourself!" he raged: "Didn't you hear him? He doesn't have any feelings what so ever for that creep!"
"That's just because he's never seen the true Severus Snape," Hermione pleaded with sorrow in her eyes: "He's been hiding behind a mask ever since Harry arrived, he's fought his feelings every single day for six long years. And if that wasn't enough he had to pretend to be on Voldemort's side. And Voldemort hated every single fibre of Harry. Severus protected Harry from knowing the fate that was hunting him down to soon and from the killing breath of Voldemort. Don't you see, Harry? If you just got to know him better."
"No thanks." Harry shook his head.
"That's right Harry!" Ron cheered: "That soul mate stuff is some big girl-invented crap! There is no way anything decent and breathing would ever fall in love with Professor Snape! I for one would rather gnaw my own leg off than be caught harvesting one sympathetic thought for that miserable excuse of a human being!"
"Ron.." Hermione silently begged him to keep quiet now. Ron noticed Harry's face and understood. He looked twenty years older and in his mind he had to be far far away.
He was back in the room with the broken mirror. The scene flashed before his eyes again and again. He didn't get it, how could this be his greatest wish? Could this be what would have been if Harry had met Snape under the right circumstances? If Snape had let him see the man inside? Was this what could become of them if Harry managed to see beneath the deceptions and lies? Could he ever feel something for this man if he tried? And the child, their child. A bond as unbreakable as the bond of their souls. If he allowed it to be so? Could he win his own destiny?
*-*
By the time Harry returned from his mind trip Ron and Hermione had gone to classes. They probably thought he needed some time by himself, and they had been right. He felt confused and small, wishing there were a way to reverse the stars and the course they had set out for him. Could it really be that Snape LOVED him? He had great difficulty with imagining Snape falling in love with anyone. He couldn't feel the same resentment for the man though. Some of the things Herminoe had said had made some sense. Could Harry really blame him for this? No, he guessed not. Snape was the victim of a curse. Harry sighed as he took one of the hardest decisions in his life. He would talk to Snape after lessons..
*-*
Harry wasn't at any of the classes that day. He needed to prepare for a second meeting with Snape. He wouldn't let his feelings and anger get the best of him this time.
He was so nervous and giddy as he walked down the halls towards the dungeons he reckoned everybody had to read his dreadful secret. The secret. He was part of it now.. In a few months time he would be the father of a child with who's conceiving he had not been involved. He almost chuckled as it dawned to him he was to be a virgin father.
He didn't bother with knocking on Snape's door this time. Why should he consider his feelings? He sure as hell hadn't minded about Harry's! The door wasn't locked. He marched right in and froze three steps inside the room. Snape was just entering his office from the door of his private quarters. His shoulder long, black hair was all wet, curling a little from the mist in it. His cloak and overcoat was missing, he was only wearing pants and a currently unbuttoned white shirt. Apparently he'd just taken a bath.
"Potter!" Snape looked both startled and scared. He started buttoning his shirt in a menacing pace. Harry stood like a zombie watching the bare skin of Snape's white stomach, tracing the curve that revealed the slowly growing secret inside his soul mate's belly.
"Have you ever heard of knocking?" Snape said as he snapped the black jacket hanging on the back of his office chair.
"Yeah, well.. I didn't bother, precisely as you didn't bother telling me certain things," Harry growled. That one seemed to sting, although Snape tried his best to hide it.
"I did what I thought was in your best interest, Potter." Harry realised how worn the older man looked.
"How long.. until you're due?" Harry asked in a milder tone as he was looking around Snape's office. The man still had his foul sense of decoration intact.. Snape sighed and looked down for a second as he buttoned the last buttons of his jacket:
"Three months give or take a few days." He grabbed his cloak from the desk and swung it over his shoulders with a grave face.
"You don't need to worry, Potter. I'm not going to claim anything from you.
You're free to do as you choose. I know you don't want this, the lord knows
I don't!" While he said this he brushed his hands over the smooth fabric of his cloak. Harry wasn't all that convinced Snape hated the idea nearly as much as he claimed.
"Listen," Harry said, blocking the image from the mirror out of his mind: "I'm not coping too well with all this at the moment. The very idea of you and me.. well.. I need time to come to grips with that. But. I will help you the following three months. I'll help you keep it secret, I'll claim fathership when that day arrives, as long as you clearly state this is the handiwork of Voldemort. I can't promise more, though, not now. I don't know if I'll ever trust you and when it comes to feeling anything... a miracle must happen. I just don't see you that way. Is this satisfying for you?" Harry felt as if he was trying to land a business deal. There was sadness in Snape's face, but he hid it well.
"Thank you," he said. Then he turned his back to Harry and left the office.
Harry sighed as he left too, wondering what he'd done wrong in his life to end up in this mess.
*-*
The following days were tough on the both of them. Severus was eating to have a reason for gaining weight and tried to be as cold and heartless as before. Harry on the other hand was trying very hard to cope with the disturbing news. He had decided to protect Snape's secret and he trusted Ron and Hermione to keep their mouths shut. Hermione by the way had developed a weird fascination for Snape and his condition. She was always fussing about how pale and lonely he looked, she seemed to like the man more and more after hearing the story of his tragic love-life. What she seemed to forget was that Harry was a part of it, and that he wasn't at all interested in her stories of the poor Professor Snape.
The tension when the two of them met accidentally or at classes was nearly unbearable. But Snape seemed to be milder when Harry was around. Neville hadn't been nagged on for a whole week and was so terrified by this he was even more afraid to go to Snape's classes. Hermione sat with a constant smile on her face, apparently trying to cheer the professor up, while Ron wore a chronic sneer on his face as he still resented what Snape had done to Harry. And Harry... well, he tried to pretend Snape wasn't even in the room but he was not doing very well. The man seemed to work like a gigantic magnet on Harry's eyes. He tried to look beyond the man he thought he knew, and to get a glimpse of the man that was supposed to be his soul mate.
By night Harry spent most of his time together with Ron and Hermione in the library trying to find out more about soul mates and the Legravata Simouron- Curse. Harry was silently hoping for a way to change the course of the future, while Hermione seemed to be more interested in love-potions. She reckoned Harry just needed a nudge, then he would see all in a new light and he and Snape would live happily ever after. Harry wasn't too fond of the idea though.
And you had life left in your eyes
There was a time I caught your hiding inside
From something shining through the blinds
It´s not the shadow by the red lights
That makes my skin crawl late at night
Fragment from Kent's "Quiet Heart"
Part 6
Severus had no idea where he'd found the energy to get out of bed. Last night's ordeal with Harry had ended with a long and endless night, filled with both old and new nightmares. And the last class he had today was with Gryffindors and Slytherins. He dressed and went for breakfast, appearance cold and snide as ever, but with a bleeding heart hidden deep within him.
When Harry didn't show up for breakfast, Severus wasn't really surprised.
Neither did Ron and Hermione. Not breathtaking news that either. So now three people most likely knew his secret. How many more by the end of the day? Just three more months and he could leave Hogwarts in shame. Severus almost looked forward to it. He'd been broken down so many times over the past years by his old master Voldemort that he was used to the idea of never reaching happiness in his life. He had only contempt for his role as the one who was always doing the dirty work and never gets any credit for it. In the war he had acted as a true hero, but he was doomed to invisibility. No one seemed to notice the good living inside him, and in consequence, Severus showed himself less and less. He didn't eat much. Minerva noticed this of course and asked him teasingly if he was starting a diet. Severus growled back at her and left the table with swift steps.
*-*
Harry awoke with Ron and Hermione by the side of his four poster's bed.
"Oh, you poor thing!" Hermione sniffled as he slowly sat up. So it hadn't been a dream then.
"Thank's for keeping it secret Ron!" he said as he found his glasses on his nightstand.
"But I had to tell Mione! She can help us!" Ron argued feverishly: "And you know she won't tell a living soul. It's just the three of us who knows this, and of course the monster bat himself!" he added. Harry just wanted to drift back to sleep. At least his night had been free of dreams of any kind. But the memory from the image in the mirror came back to hunt him now, in broad daylight. Him, holding Snape in his arms, looking so happy. The mirror had to be broken. It now instead showed the reflections of your worst nightmares.
By breakfast time Harry started to tell his friends about all that had happened last night in the dungeons. By the time of first class he was finished with his story, but he left out the part about the mirror. Both Ron and Hermione looked pale and uneasy.
"I'll never claim you have it easy ever again," a grave Ron mumbled. Hermione was crying her eyes out at Ron's right. She was looking so distraught Ron had to comfort her.
"That is the saddest love-story I've ever heard!" she bawled and dried her eyes. Ron looked like someone had just called his red hair pink with yellow spots.
"Love-story?!" he yelled in an outraged voice: "How the hell can you call
THAT a LOVE story??!" Hermione gave him a look revealing one of the many facts of life: men simply don't get it.
"Hello!" she said: "Do you even know what soul mates are? There are just one in a million of us who's so lucky to be destined with the perfect partner. A person that fulfils you in every possible way, you two make a perfect union a never-ending circle. Soul mates are destined to be together and nothing can change that. And what is so dreadfully sad is that there was an error somewhere in the system, Harry met Snape some years too early, maybe Snape was born some years too soon. Don't you see? Severus had to let the love of his life go! He didn't have the heart to do what destiny claimed for him. All this years he's been doing the worst thing he'd ever have to do, Harry- hide his love to you!" Harry just looked at her, face blank. So Ron did the talking for him.
"Hello yourself!" he raged: "Didn't you hear him? He doesn't have any feelings what so ever for that creep!"
"That's just because he's never seen the true Severus Snape," Hermione pleaded with sorrow in her eyes: "He's been hiding behind a mask ever since Harry arrived, he's fought his feelings every single day for six long years. And if that wasn't enough he had to pretend to be on Voldemort's side. And Voldemort hated every single fibre of Harry. Severus protected Harry from knowing the fate that was hunting him down to soon and from the killing breath of Voldemort. Don't you see, Harry? If you just got to know him better."
"No thanks." Harry shook his head.
"That's right Harry!" Ron cheered: "That soul mate stuff is some big girl-invented crap! There is no way anything decent and breathing would ever fall in love with Professor Snape! I for one would rather gnaw my own leg off than be caught harvesting one sympathetic thought for that miserable excuse of a human being!"
"Ron.." Hermione silently begged him to keep quiet now. Ron noticed Harry's face and understood. He looked twenty years older and in his mind he had to be far far away.
He was back in the room with the broken mirror. The scene flashed before his eyes again and again. He didn't get it, how could this be his greatest wish? Could this be what would have been if Harry had met Snape under the right circumstances? If Snape had let him see the man inside? Was this what could become of them if Harry managed to see beneath the deceptions and lies? Could he ever feel something for this man if he tried? And the child, their child. A bond as unbreakable as the bond of their souls. If he allowed it to be so? Could he win his own destiny?
*-*
By the time Harry returned from his mind trip Ron and Hermione had gone to classes. They probably thought he needed some time by himself, and they had been right. He felt confused and small, wishing there were a way to reverse the stars and the course they had set out for him. Could it really be that Snape LOVED him? He had great difficulty with imagining Snape falling in love with anyone. He couldn't feel the same resentment for the man though. Some of the things Herminoe had said had made some sense. Could Harry really blame him for this? No, he guessed not. Snape was the victim of a curse. Harry sighed as he took one of the hardest decisions in his life. He would talk to Snape after lessons..
*-*
Harry wasn't at any of the classes that day. He needed to prepare for a second meeting with Snape. He wouldn't let his feelings and anger get the best of him this time.
He was so nervous and giddy as he walked down the halls towards the dungeons he reckoned everybody had to read his dreadful secret. The secret. He was part of it now.. In a few months time he would be the father of a child with who's conceiving he had not been involved. He almost chuckled as it dawned to him he was to be a virgin father.
He didn't bother with knocking on Snape's door this time. Why should he consider his feelings? He sure as hell hadn't minded about Harry's! The door wasn't locked. He marched right in and froze three steps inside the room. Snape was just entering his office from the door of his private quarters. His shoulder long, black hair was all wet, curling a little from the mist in it. His cloak and overcoat was missing, he was only wearing pants and a currently unbuttoned white shirt. Apparently he'd just taken a bath.
"Potter!" Snape looked both startled and scared. He started buttoning his shirt in a menacing pace. Harry stood like a zombie watching the bare skin of Snape's white stomach, tracing the curve that revealed the slowly growing secret inside his soul mate's belly.
"Have you ever heard of knocking?" Snape said as he snapped the black jacket hanging on the back of his office chair.
"Yeah, well.. I didn't bother, precisely as you didn't bother telling me certain things," Harry growled. That one seemed to sting, although Snape tried his best to hide it.
"I did what I thought was in your best interest, Potter." Harry realised how worn the older man looked.
"How long.. until you're due?" Harry asked in a milder tone as he was looking around Snape's office. The man still had his foul sense of decoration intact.. Snape sighed and looked down for a second as he buttoned the last buttons of his jacket:
"Three months give or take a few days." He grabbed his cloak from the desk and swung it over his shoulders with a grave face.
"You don't need to worry, Potter. I'm not going to claim anything from you.
You're free to do as you choose. I know you don't want this, the lord knows
I don't!" While he said this he brushed his hands over the smooth fabric of his cloak. Harry wasn't all that convinced Snape hated the idea nearly as much as he claimed.
"Listen," Harry said, blocking the image from the mirror out of his mind: "I'm not coping too well with all this at the moment. The very idea of you and me.. well.. I need time to come to grips with that. But. I will help you the following three months. I'll help you keep it secret, I'll claim fathership when that day arrives, as long as you clearly state this is the handiwork of Voldemort. I can't promise more, though, not now. I don't know if I'll ever trust you and when it comes to feeling anything... a miracle must happen. I just don't see you that way. Is this satisfying for you?" Harry felt as if he was trying to land a business deal. There was sadness in Snape's face, but he hid it well.
"Thank you," he said. Then he turned his back to Harry and left the office.
Harry sighed as he left too, wondering what he'd done wrong in his life to end up in this mess.
*-*
The following days were tough on the both of them. Severus was eating to have a reason for gaining weight and tried to be as cold and heartless as before. Harry on the other hand was trying very hard to cope with the disturbing news. He had decided to protect Snape's secret and he trusted Ron and Hermione to keep their mouths shut. Hermione by the way had developed a weird fascination for Snape and his condition. She was always fussing about how pale and lonely he looked, she seemed to like the man more and more after hearing the story of his tragic love-life. What she seemed to forget was that Harry was a part of it, and that he wasn't at all interested in her stories of the poor Professor Snape.
The tension when the two of them met accidentally or at classes was nearly unbearable. But Snape seemed to be milder when Harry was around. Neville hadn't been nagged on for a whole week and was so terrified by this he was even more afraid to go to Snape's classes. Hermione sat with a constant smile on her face, apparently trying to cheer the professor up, while Ron wore a chronic sneer on his face as he still resented what Snape had done to Harry. And Harry... well, he tried to pretend Snape wasn't even in the room but he was not doing very well. The man seemed to work like a gigantic magnet on Harry's eyes. He tried to look beyond the man he thought he knew, and to get a glimpse of the man that was supposed to be his soul mate.
By night Harry spent most of his time together with Ron and Hermione in the library trying to find out more about soul mates and the Legravata Simouron- Curse. Harry was silently hoping for a way to change the course of the future, while Hermione seemed to be more interested in love-potions. She reckoned Harry just needed a nudge, then he would see all in a new light and he and Snape would live happily ever after. Harry wasn't too fond of the idea though.