Z7.2 - As We Know It

by ZachsMind

Tying up all the loose ends left from the end of season six, this work is intended to pacify all diehard fans of Buffy while we wait for the real thing next fall. Enjoy!

As We Know It, a Buffy fanfic told in a Teaser & four acts.

By Zach Garland

[As of June 3rd, 2002 the fan fiction I've posted to fanfiction.net should be read in the following order:

"House of Mirrors" midseason six, somewhere between "Tabula Rasa" and "Hell's Bells."

"You Slay Me" faux season 7 episode 1 (relatively soon after real season 6 episode 22 "Grave")

"As You Know It" faux season 7 episode 2

"Unrest" faux season 7 episode 3 (with shades of sequel to real season 4 episode 22 "Restless")

There may be one more after "Unrest" but it is not yet written.

At the end of "You Slay Me" Buffy, Dawn & Giles were in England with Willow. I am operating under the assumption that Giles would insist on taking Willow with him briefly back to Devon, England. At the end of season six, Spike is still in Africa. Warren & Rack are allegedly dead. Andrew & Jonathan are allegedly in Mexico or still heading there. Xander & Anya were still in Sunnydale. Clem was missing, last seen with Dawn at Rack's place. Amy hadn't been seen in several episodes. This fanfic episode attempts to convey what occurs to our stalwart heroes in the days that occur after the season six finale.

When season seven begins, this work will of course become out of date, but the intent is to pacify fans like myself of Buffy the Vampire Slayer over the summer. After viewing the season finale, and examining the overall story arc of the show, I felt I had a good idea where the show could feasibly go. It will be interesting to go back and look at this in the fall to see if I happened to predict any of the ideas they use on the actual show. Any similarities of course will no doubt be coincidental.

I have rated this episode PG due to some mature themes, but truly I do not attempt anything in these works that they couldn't get away with on prime time television. This piece is notably very character driven. Not a lot of action, but enough. I probably spent too much time with a character that I invented myself, but I just started enjoying her 'voice' and couldn't help myself. =)

There's no real shipping going on, although occasionally there's some flirting. I try to be respectful and believable with the characters while still taking a few liberties and risks that I believe would improve the series if they explored them. This is a very rough draft. I would appreciate your thoughts. You can write to zachsmind@yahoo.com if you'd like. The basic gist of the plot for this piece is to tie up all the loose ends left in the finale of season six, and bring all the characters together so that "Unrest" makes a lot more sense. Strangely enough I wrote this one after "You Slay Me" and "Unrest" though I had a good idea even then how I was going to get from point A to point B. Surprised myself a bit here and there, but that's all part of the fun. I hope I pleasantly surprise you too. If you find any continuity errors or places where you think I've done something unrealistic with the characters please feel free to let me know.]



TEASER

SCENE: A bird's eyeshot of the room. It is a small barren bedroom in the coven. It's made of wood with white stucco panels and is clean but stripped of all but the barest essentials. Candles positioned around the walls light the room. There is a single size bed here, and an end table with a basin filled with water. Dawn is sitting in a small wooden chair. Willow is lying in a bed. Dawn puts a small white rag in the basin, then squeezes out excess water and gently puts it to Willow's forehead.

Camera cuts to show Dawn & Willow better framed. We see Willow's eyes flicker open. Dawn's face is streaked with dry tears.

WILLOW: (very drowsy and distant) Oh, hi Dawnie.

DAWN: Hey, Willow. Good to see you back with us among the living.

WILLOW: D-do you need help with your homework? I'm very good with homework.

DAWN: No, Will. Just rest okay?

WILLOW: This.. this isn't my room.

DAWN: We're in the coven. In Devon. Giles brought you here because you were sick.

WILLOW: Devon? Where's that?

DAWN: In England.

WILLOW: Well if I was sick, why didn't I just go to Sunnydale hospital?

DAWN: It wasn't that kind of sick, Willow. Just rest okay?

Willow's eyes close. Dawn fights back tears. She hears a noise outside and glances away from Willow towards the door.

Scene: Camera cuts to outside Willow's bedroom at the Devon Coven. Buffy is sitting on a plain brown wooden bench that is by the wall opposite the door. She looks sad and Giles is consoling her. Three robed women of the coven approach. Two of them are carrying supplies that at a glance appear to be for some kind of incantation. They continue past Giles & Buffy and enter Willow's room. The third one is also robed, but unlike the others she wears a silver tiara and is dressed in a way that notes a higher status among the Coven's inhabitants. She stands before Giles & the sitting Buffy.

The MAIDEN is a pious and compassionate looking soul. We can only see her face and hands; everything else is covered in the robe. She is a dark- skinned woman (possibly from the middle-east) with a thick English accent and a proud but humble bearing.

MAIDEN: We are preparing to begin the next rite. You have been holding vigil for some time. We thank you for your compassion and would not have reached Willow's soul without you, but now you need to rest. Let us do our calling.

GILES: (respectfully) We thank you for all that you have done.

MAIDEN: We live to serve.

BUFFY: Will she be okay?

MAIDEN: It is still too soon to tell. We wish not to lift your hopes. We are doing all we can. The dark magicks are gone from her now, and her soul has returned from unknown madness. We now are striving to help her face her guilt and grief in a slow manner, and if we are successful she will one day again be the Willow you know and love.

GILES: How will you do that?

MAIDEN: We have infused an enchantment into a charm necklace. When worn, it will help inhibit her guilt and grief by consistently distracting her mind to other things. If successful, and if the incantations take effect, she will be able to more slowly accept the errors of her ways. However, in the interim she will be disoriented, her thought processes will run very slowly, and once she leaves here should continue bed rest for several days.

GILES: I know not how I will ever be able to repay you.

MAIDEN: Dear sweet Rupert. You once served our Coven in a brief but noble capacity, and for that we are forever in your debt.

BUFFY: You did?

GILES: It was nothing, really.

MAIDEN: Nothing? You rescued eight of our sisters from certain peril.

BUFFY: Peril? What kind of peril?

GILES: Buffy, not now.

Dawn opens the door and leaves Willow's quarters. She joins the others and tries to follow the conversation but enters it late.

BUFFY: If you had only reached one we would have been pleased but you saved them all. Our archivist says you should have been granted status among our Knights of the Order of the Silver Moon, as is our ancient tradition.

GILES: That hasn't been called upon in ages. The High Priestesses offered but..

BUFFY: (smiling. Needing something to lift her spirits) Wow. Sir Giles.

DAWN: Sir Giles? Cool.

MAIDEN: It would still be our honor.

GILES: The honor would have been mine, but with this boundless act you have shown our friend, I consider any perceived debt repaid.

MAIDEN: (with an endearing smile) The Crone Mother may disagree with you.

GILES: (surprised) she's here?

MAIDEN: (nods) She wishes to speak with you. (turns her attention briefly to Dawn & Buffy) With all of you.

GILES: About Willow Rosenberg?

MAIDEN: Partly. She is aware of another powerful force in your hemisphere.

BUFFY: Well that figures.

GILES: Oh great. When it rains it pours.

MAIDEN: If you will follow me please?

GILES: Now? She wants to speak with us now?

Giles nervously checks his tie and hair, uncharacteristically self- conscious about his appearance, which Buffy notices with some amusement. She gives him a look, and he reacts uncomfortably. Buffy turns to Dawn as they walk towards and then off camera.

BUFFY: How is she?

DAWN: Disoriented like very! She offered to help me with my homework.

BUFFY: What homework?

DAWN: Exactly.

FAST BLACK. WOLF HOWL. OPEN CREDITS



ACT I

Scene: A decrepit Mexican prison in a dark and forlorn part of the country. Think Italian Western. There are overweight, drunken dark-skinned men dressed in camouflage around a table laughing uproariously playing cards. Apparently these are the "police" who have captured Jonathan and Andrew. The camera pans from left to right away from the riotous men to reveal thick iron bars & tan stone walls. The place looks like it could crumble at any time it is so old. As we still hear the riotous men in the background, the camera reveals Jonathan & Andrew in much worse shape than when we last saw them. Jonathan's got a shiner on one eye. Both of them are dirty and bloodied. Andrew looks like he could use medical attention. First aid could fix it, but without first aid he may be in trouble. Their black shirts have been dragged through the dirt and are ripped. Their black pants are stained and cut and worn at the knees and seams. Their shoes are missing, apparently stolen by their captors. Jonathan is looking around helplessly for some means of escape. Andrew's eyes are drooping. He doesn't look like he can hang on much longer.

JONATHAN: (forced whisper) You still with me Andrew?

ANDREW: (not whispering but in great pain) Yeah. I mean no. I mean I dunno anymore.

JONATHAN: (forced whisper) Look dude. I know you're mad at me. I'm mad at you. We both think it's the other person's fault that we hitchhike a thousand miles from Sunnydale only to wind up back behind bars.

ANDREW: It's your fault puss wipe.

JONATHAN: (not whispering) ankle biter.

ANDREW: circle jerk!

JONATHAN: jack off!

ANDREW: scum bucket!

JONATHAN: (forced whisper) Shut up!

ANDREW: Make me, you hairless Ewok!

A gunshot is heard along with more laughter. Andrew & Jonathan look over at their captors.

PRISON GUARD: Silencio the both of you! Or we won't wait till manana to hang you in the square!

More laughter. Andrew's noticeably in pain but foolishly brave nonetheless at this point. Jonathan's still got his wits about them. Jon looks at him hard to shut up and Andrew relents.

JONATHAN: (forced whisper) Can you even move?

ANDREW: (tries. Fails. Now whispering.) No. I can't feel one of my legs.

JONATHAN: (both are whispering now) Which one?

ANDREW: (fights back crying) ..I can't tell. I'm beginning to think dying at the hands of Darth Willow woulda been better than this!

JONATHAN: We're not gonna die!

ANDREW: That's easy for you to say.

JONATHAN: Maybe you can summon something. A demon maybe?

ANDREW: The only things I can think to summon would make things worse.

JONATHAN: Worse than this?

ANDREW: There's the Kulmari. They're ancient great warriors that died in disgrace. They can walk through walls and blow up walls, but they're really pissed off about something.

JONATHAN: Walk through walls?

ANDREW: (forgets to whisper) Yeah they're really cool but I can't control them.

JONATHAN: (still whispering) Keep your voice down!

ANDREW: (doesn't whisper) What about you?

JONATHAN: You were there when they searched us.

ANDREW: (shivers at the thought) Body cavity search.

JONATHAN: (grossed out) You enjoyed it.

ANDREW: Did not!

PRISON GUARD: Silencio! (gunshot. Laughter. Some rubble and dust falls around J & A as if that gunshot was pretty close. They're both quiet for a few seconds.)

JONATHAN: (beat) You make me sick.

ANDREW: (forced whisper) Like you should talk. What was that crap they took out of your underpants?

JONATHAN: Yak cheese. Don't ask.

ANDREW: Grosser than gross. Don't you have anything?

JONATHAN: I can't do any powerful spells. They took my whole stash of herbs and stuff.

ANDREW: And the yak cheese.

JONATHAN: Shut up! What magic I had left I used to keep you from dying. Remember?

ANDREW: A lot of good that's gonna do us.

There's activity outside their cage. The laughter closes in and we hear a key enter the lock. The door swings open.

PRISON GUARD: (I told you two to be quiet) Le dije a seguir siendo silencioso.

A large gloved hand reaches in and grabs Jonathan, dragging him away from Andrew and out of the cell. There's four or five prison guards who are laughing and meanly teasing Jonathan.

PRISON GUARD: (Seems it's time we had a hanging!) ¡Tiempo teníamos colgar!

JONATHAN: (struggling fruitlessly to break free) Andrew! Summon Kulmari!

ANDREW: (frightened) No. No!

JONATHAN: Dammit Andrew!

PRISON GUARD: Don't worry fair-haired one. You're next, or maybe we'll let El Diablo here have fun with you before you hang, eh?

More laughter. Camera cuts to "El Diablo" who is the grossest looking prison guard among the bunch of them, with a big toothless smile and dirty greasy skin and hair.

ANDREW: (looking even more frightened now) No! NO!

Andrew makes direct eye contact with El Diablo.

Andrew's eyes turn green for a second and then the camera cuts to Jonathan and the guards. Coming out of El Diablo, and behind the guards is a very large and dark humanoid in full body armor that's covered in grease and blood. Very imposing and deadly. It morphs out of El Diablo's body. It taps on the shoulder of one of the guards, who turns around to face him, and next thing we know one of the guards is flying down the hall and across the room, crashing then falling with a thud against a wall.

The "El Diablo" prison guard immediately begins fighting this dark knight of the Kulmari but his blows and strikes go through the humanoid without connecting, as if the Kulmari is a ghost. Then the Kulmari picks El Diablo up and throws him across the room to join his friends.

The other prison guards cower in fear. Kulmari turns to them and bends down melodramatically. Then it speaks as quietly as it can, but it's voice booms:

KULMARI: boo.

The other prison guards run frantically away as the Kulmari laughs maniacally. Brief cut to outside the small town prison which appears to be a stone and wood single story building. At least six or eight men in camouflage run out screaming like small children.

The Kulmari turns his attention to Jonathan and Andrew who are both on the floor. Jonathan is at the cage doorway and Andrew is inside the cage.

KULMARI: Which one of you summoned me!?

Andrew & Jonathan point at each other.

KULMARI: I will give you my power.

Jonathan continues pointing at Andrew but Andrew points at himself.

ANDREW: Oh yeah. I did it!

JONATHAN: You crazy, Andrew?

The Kulmari is too large to fit in the cage's doorway so he pushes the bars aside as if they were twigs to make his way in.

KULMARI: The vessel appears damaged, but nothing I cannot undo.

JONATHAN: Vessel?

ANDREW: Vessel? I'm no vessel!

KULMARI: I cannot retain this form for long. I must require a vessel, then I can bring my brothers into this world.

ANDREW: (points at Jonathan) No! Pick him!

JONATHAN: You suck!

KULMARI: You summoned me.

ANDREW: No! I lied!

KULMARI: I can smell it on you. You hold the power. You are the key to releasing my brothers!

Andrew screams as the Kulmari touches Andrew's fearful face with his hands, and the Kulmari fades out of existence and into the body of Andrew. Andrew's eyes glow green and he stands up as if a marionette on strings. His wounds disappear and he walks awkwardly out of the prison. Jonathan gets up and runs out of the small prison building. The now possessed Andrew responds by taking a flying leap, jumping at least twenty feet forward towards the back of a running Jonathan. He tackles Jonathan and they roll and tumble out of the front door of the building to a courtyard. The possessed Andrew pins Jonathan down

JONATHAN: (screams in pain) Lemme go! I just wanna go home! I just wanna go home!

ANDREW: (As Kulmari. Andrew's voice but with the booming echo of the Kulmari's voice) Home. I know this home. Sunnydale. This vessel too just wants to go home.

JONATHAN: (thinking fast) Look! You're a warrior right? We're not worthy. What you want are warrior bodies. Andrew and I, we're escaped felons, man! What you want are like wrestlers! I can show you wrestlers!

ANDREW: The vessels need not be worthy. We are disgraced warriors, my brothers, ripped of our rightful place in Valhalla due to the mistakes of our past. The vessels need only be able to breathe, bleed and breed with the locals, so that we may rape and pillage as we did long ago! So that the Kulmari may live again!

Andrew laughs maniacally. He picks up Jonathan with a strength that belies Andrew's frail form. Then he takes to the air and heads north, Jonathan screaming all the way.

END SCENE



SCENE: Rack's place. It is a dirty and desolate apartment consisting of two main rooms. In the anteroom there are some young people laying about. We hear someone crying quietly in dry heaves but never see who it is. These young people appear to be weak and going through some kind of withdrawal symptoms. One of them is meekly banging his head repeatedly against a wall and blood can be seen on the wall where the head meets. We see AMY enter the room through the wall. She looks frail and paranoid. Her eyes dart about curiously. She slowly makes her way into Rack's 'office' and the camera shows her dramatically as she goes.

She opens the door to reveal Rack floating upside down in the room. Also there is Clem, who appears to be trying to figure out how to get him down.

AMY: Get away from him!

Amy rushes towards Clem, who looks surprised and frightened. She's weak but catching him by surprise she manages to pull him away from Rack and up against a wall.

AMY: What did you do him!?

CLEM: Nothing! I'm trying to help him!

AMY: You're a demon! Why should I believe you?

CLEM: Oh that! Well, I'm not a bad demon—

AMY: All demons are bad!

CLEM: (insulted by that. He pushes her away) That's rather racist of you!

The weakened Amy, taken aback by Clem's light retaliation, trips and falls from him. Clem immediately follows her apologetically and helps her back to her feet.

CLEM: Oh! I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you!

AMY: Get away from me.

Despite her resistance, he manages to get her back to her feet. She looks at him defenselessly and confused.

CLEM: See? We're not all mean. That's just a stereotype. Say, you're cute. You wanna go out some time?

AMY: What did you do to Rack?

CLEM: I told you. It wasn't me. It was Willow.

AMY: Willow?

RACK: (very weak) willow..

The two of them turn and look at Rack, who's still motionless and hanging upside down.

CLEM: Wow. I thought he was dead.

AMY: (steps closer to Rack) Willow? What did she do?

CLEM: Oh man. Long story. (Amy gives him a dirty look) I'll give you the short version. Some guy named Warren shot Buffy and Willow's girlfriend Tara.

AMY: (returns her attention to Rack but offers distant concern) Are they okay?

CLEM: Well, Buffy's the Slayer so she probably just pulled the bullet out with her teeth. Tara on the other hand.

AMY: (turns back to Clem) Tara's gone?

RACK: (very weak) I smell death..

They both look back at Rack, and step towards him cautiously.

CLEM: She's very gone. Willow'd been on the wagon but seeing her girl down she uh, jumped back off. Went on a murdering rampage. I gathered she killed Warren, then she came here. And I came here with Buffy's sister Dawn but when Willow showed up I hid behind the couch.

AMY: That was very brave of you.

CLEM: Hey. I haven't lived this long by jumping into a big bad witch's sh- uh, stuff.

Amy & Clem are now within arm's reach of Rack. They look up and see that he's hanging in mid-air. There appears to be nothing restraining him.

AMY: How do we get him down?

Rack's eyes open and his hands immediately reach down into the chest cavities of Amy & Clem, who both jerk back as if they're being electrocuted. We see raw life energies draining from the two of them into Rack, who still remains floating in the air. Camera cuts to a close up of Rack's face upside down. He makes a sort of gag reflex face.

RACK: Ack! You two taste like crude oil and battery acid, but you'll do.

END SCENE.



Scene: What's left of the Magic Shop. It's in a shambles, much as the state it was in at the end of season six. There are holes in the walls, all the display cases are trashed. Rubble lays about on the floor. Etcetera. Anya is walking about trying to clean things up, but it's a lost cause. She walks across the space, trying to avoid tripping on the rubble. Then she stops in the middle of the room. She's responding to the awakening of Rack.

ANYA: oboy.

QUICK BLACK. COMMERCIAL BREAK.



ACT II

Scene: Still in the Magic Shop. Anya is frozen in place from trying to clean things up.

ANYA: oboy.

XANDER: (beat) Oboy what?

Camera cuts to show Xander climbing through what used to be the front door, and kneeling to avoid a crossbeam that has fallen. Anya turns around to face him.

ANYA: You? I can't deal with seeing you here now.

XANDER: I just wanted to make sure you were okay.

ANYA: Well here I am. All my mortal limbs are still connected and there's no red stuff spurting out of me so you can consider your conscience cleared.

XANDER: Hardly. (looks around) Damn she made a mess of this place, didn't she?

ANYA: Yes and as soon as she gets back on her feet I'm sending her the bill!

XANDER: Back on her feet? She still in England?

ANYA: (nods) Giles went with her, then summoned Buffy & Dawn a few days later. (turns away from him and is sort of talking out loud to herself) Willow was calling for Dawn. I said it wasn't that good of an idea but no one ever listens to me nowadays. (looks at Xander) You're still here? What do you want?

XANDER: (looks about the place, then back to her and shrugs) I just thought I could help.

ANYA: Help?

XANDER: I am a construction worker. I'm not superhuman but even though this place looks like it's ready for a wrecking ball I think it's salvageable. (nods to himself) Yeah it'll take some elbow grease but maybe me and some friends can help you put Humpty Dumpty back together again.

ANYA: Haven't you done enough?

XANDER: (making his way to her and all this pours out in one long breath) Look I'm sorry I don't know how many times I've said I'm sorry I shouldn't have walked out on you it was stupid but really honestly I'm just not ready to marry a vengeance demon I was just scared and I wish to God I hadn't but I did and I can't take that back and I wish you'd understand me I never meant to hurt you.

ANYA: I don't mean about that. (she tries to say this sarcastically but her pride in him is also revealed in her delivery, though against her wishes) Giles told me you saved the world.

XANDER: Huh? (Stops about eight to ten feet away from her. The camera makes it feel like they're so much farther away from one another) Well no I just talked Willow into not destroying the world. Not the same thing.

ANYA: Giles seems to think it is. (she takes a sobering, tentative step towards him) It was a very noble thing you did.

XANDER: Noble? You think?

ANYA: (shakes herself out of liking him) Oh don't get a big head.

XANDER: I'm not! I mean I wasn't! I mean… (getting a big head) You really think that was noble?

ANYA: (turns her back on him and tries to look busy) So how did you stop her? Offer to marry her? Give her my ring?

XANDER: No. I just told her how much I love her.

ANYA: (turns back around. Wounded) You do? Is that it?

XANDER: (realizing that was a bad choice of words) Well, not in that way.

ANYA: (turns back around and tries to look busy again) Not that I care. You can go marry Buffy now for all I care.

XANDER: I'm not marrying anybody.

ANYA: So. You love her then? Willow?

XANDER: Of course I do. I've known her since we were kids. She means the world to me. And I told her that if she was gonna destroy the world, she should start with me.

ANYA: And you knew she couldn't do that?

XANDER: No. No I didn't. Like you said before. She had gotten to the point where none of us mattered to her anymore. She was too far gone I thought. I figured she was really gonna kill me.

ANYA: (turns back around) Oh. Ooh. Uhm.. (letting her love for him flow back into her) Wow!

XANDER: Huh?

ANYA: That really was noble, Xander! That you.. That she.. Ugh! I hate the fact that I'm supposed to be mad at you because I could really go for an orgasm with you right now!

XANDER: (takes a step back) Woah, slow down.

ANYA: It's been so long and I'm going crazy! (dejected) You probably don't want me anymore anyway.

XANDER: (takes a step forward) Now I didn't say that!

ANYA: Oh you do!? Oh you would!? Because you saving the world just makes it that much harder for me to be mad at you. Could we just have an orgasm or two and then I can go back to hating you? No questions asked?

XANDER: I don't want you to ever hate me.

ANYA: (hating him again) Well it's a little too late for that.

XANDER: (looks dizzy like he just got off a roller coaster) Look I do love you I never stopped loving you.

ANYA: But you use that word so effortlessly! You love Willow you love Buffy you love me! You love.. Star Trek reruns and frosted corn flakes and Brittney Spears!

XANDER: Now wait I don't love Brittney Spears!

ANYA: You do too!

XANDER: Look I do I do love a lot of things but if you made me make a list you and Buffy and Willow are way above Brittney Spears!

ANYA: You can't make up your mind, Xander! Which one of us do you love?

XANDER: I love all three of you, just in different ways!

ANYA: (screams) Ugh! (jumps up and down) I hate being a human! It makes no sense!

XANDER: Anya!

ANYA: (pinches at her own skin) All these damn bones and this skin that freckles and peels away under the sun and having to buy dye crap whenever I wanna change my hair color and (rips at her clothes) these stupid things I'm never comfortable in stuff I pull off the rack why is that? (stops, remembering) Oh yeah. Rack..

XANDER: (trying to be intelligent. Puts his hands carefully on her shoulders) Look I heard somewhere once that up in Alaska the people who live there have like thirty-five different words for snow, because some snow's good for making igloos and some snow's good for melting into water and some snows soft but other snow's hard and they differentiate the different kinds of snow by making up different words for it. Down here we just call it snow.

Anya turns to face him. It looks like they're gonna have a special moment.

XANDER: Maybe we should have three hundred and fifty different words for love but we don't. We just have one word for it. I do love you, Anya.

Anya wants to kiss him. Xander wants to kiss her.

ANYA: (pulls away from him) I have to go. (then she just stands right there staring at him) Rack. I have to go.

XANDER: What did I say wrong?

ANYA: Nothing. Like always you're always saying the right thing and I fall into your arms and feel all melty and wonderful for awhile and then you just piss me off again. I have to go.

She just stands right there. Looking at him. He's looking back.

XANDER: Where?

ANYA: My job. I'm still a vengeance demon, Xander. And Rack wants vengeance on Willow. And I have to go.

XANDER: What? You're gonna help somebody kill Willow?

ANYA: I don't think he wants to kill her. And I want her alive so I can send her the bill. He just wants vengeance and I'm a vengeance demon so. It's my job. It's what I do.

XANDER: (stretches out his arms to her) This! Right here! This is why I'm scared, Anya. I do love you but I know you're a demon and I.. I…

They stare at each other.

ANYA: I have to go.

And she does. She teleports out of his sight. Xander just stands there. His arms outstretched. Tears in his eyes. Completely bewildered.

XANDER: And I'm gonna have to stop you.

Xander starts shaking. His eyes go wide. He looks around him.

XANDER: Wh-wh-what's h-h-happening t-to me!? (looks around him again) Help! HELP ME!

Xander fades out of existence, leaving the Magic Shop empty, save for the rubble. As if on cue, some piece of wall falls in the background falls and no one's around to hear the sound.

END SCENE



Scene: A closet in Rack's apartment. It's mostly dark, but there's a familiar someone in there. His eyes open. It's Warren.

The door opens. We see Rack opening the door. Warren squints from the brightness of the light. Behind Rack are Amy and Clem. They stand motionless like zombies. They appear very drained and weak. Clem looks even more like a raisin than he usually does. Amy looks like she's sleeping standing up and her eyes just happen to be open. Rack grabs Warren by the scruff of the neck and throws him out and to the ground.

Warren's in fear, still wearing the clothes he was wearing when we saw him last at Rack's place. He manages to get on his hands and knees. He looks up at Rack.

WARREN: (breathing raspily) Did it work?

RACK: Oh yeah, it worked. Between your robot clone and my duplicate golem of you, the witch was completely tricked. She even came here after she thought you were dead and STOLE MY POWER but she didn't think to look in my brain and find out what I knew. She was too busy, and by the time she got here she thought you were already dead.

WARREN: (slowly standing up) Excellent! Well that's great!

RACK: That's not great. She robbed from me. I can't blame her but I want vengeance for that.

WARREN: She's dead?

RACK: No. Thank Osiris. Had I known this was how the cards would fall, I woulda thrown your money back in your face and killed you where you stood. After she was through with you and me, she went off and tried to destroy Mother Earth. And it's your fault.

WARREN: But we're still here, right? She didn't destroy the world, right?

RACK: Right. We're still here.

WARREN: No harm no foul.

RACK: No thanks to you.

WARREN: Look you got your money.

RACK: Yeah I did. And I did as you asked. You're still alive.

WARREN: So. Who are your friends?

RACK: Good Samaritans. Two people who came along to help me. I had to rob them of what was robbed from me so that I don't die.

WARREN: That why they look like deadheads?

RACK: They're not dead. They now do my bidding.

With but a motion of his hands, Clem & Amy step in and grab Warren by the arms. He struggles but unsuccessfully.

WARREN: Hey! We had a deal!

RACK: Yeah. And I kept my end of the bargain. You said nothing about what I could do with you afterwards.

RACK puts a hand into Warren's chest. Warren's head rears back and his eyes start glowing. Energy starts draining out of Warren and into Rack.

RACK: Shoulda read the fine print, boy.

ANYA: (from the outer room, through the open doorway) You rang?

Rack pulls his hand out of Warren, whose head falls forward and he hangs there limp with Amy & Clem holding him up barely. Rack turns around to see Anya standing there all business like. Rack is standing in front of Warren, and through the doorway Anya can't see Warren yet but she sees part of Amy & Clem.

RACK: Huh? Who are you? (crosses towards her) No wait. Don't tell me. Another demon?

ANYA: (very uncomfortable as he approaches) Yes.

RACK: (crosses to her very slowly, entering the doorway. He smells her) Half demon and half human if my talents are coming back.

ANYA: Hey! I'm ALL demon and ALL woman, I'll have you know!

RACK: I hate demons.

ANYA: Nothing personal but many demons hate you too. I however have nothing personal against you— Clem? What are you doing here?

RACK: He came to help me.

ANYA: He looks like a raisin. What did you do to him? And she looks familiar too..

RACK: The witch siphoned off my magic energy and almost all of my life essense. I'm borrowing energy from these two until I can replenish my own supply.

ANYA: Ooh that's not good.

RACK: They'll be relatively back to normal eventually. In the mean time they work for me.

ANYA: Oh. Well they both happen to be friends of Buffy.

RACK: So?

ANYA: Not close friends, granted, but she'd be a little put off if you killed them or made them zombies or something.

RACK: As I said. Eventually I'll let them go. If I did right now I'd be dead. And that would be none too good either.

ANYA: Well that's a matter of opinion.. (she sees past Rack and recognizes Warren) Holy frijole! He's supposed to be dead!

RACK: Just supposed to be?

ANYA: I saw him die! We all did. Me and Buffy and Xander.

RACK: At the hands of the witch.

ANYA: Willow. Yes. Which is why I'm assuming you've called me.

RACK: I didn't call you.

ANYA: I felt a strong sense of vengeance coming from you. I could smell it from the other side of town.

RACK: Yeah. I admit I want vengeance. That must make you a vengeance demon?

ANYA: Anyanka at your service.

RACK: Well that's just perfect.

ANYA: Limited service. Willow's a friend and I won't kill her.

RACK: I don't want you to kill her.

ANYA: I gathered that but I am admittedly a bit confused. I can cause her eternal damnation after she's really dead, and I can make her life more difficult while she's here, but I'd really rather not do any of that. I thought maybe we could cut some kind of a deal?

RACK: I don't want you to hurt a hair on my Strawberry's head.

ANYA: Strawberry?

RACK: I don't want vengeance on the witch.

ANYA: Well then what..? (then it dawns on her.)

Camera zooms in to a close up of Warren's face as he weakly raises his eyes up to look at them.

Camera cuts to zoom in close to Anya's face as her confused look turns to one of bemusement.

RACK: I want you to take my vengeance out on HIM.

ANYA: (smiles tentatively) Oh. Well. That's different.

Camera's still on Anyanka, but we hear Warren scream a massive girly scream.

END SCENE.

Scene: Devon Coven. Special Crone Mother chambers. For a pagan coven filled with people who have chosen to live a sheltered life far away from all the luxuries of bland humanity, this room is large and quite ornate. It appears to be a cross between a medieval strategy room and a throne room. There is a sort of desk/altar at the far end opposite some double doors. There are also smaller doors that go off to the sides of the main room, which may lead to personal quarters. The middle of the room is a stone floor with white marble mixed in, and makes out the shape of a large pentagram on the floor. There are four small steps up to the raised platform on the far side of the room where the desk/altar thingy stands. Behind the desk/altar looking thing stands a woman who appears to be in her fifties but looks very good for her age. Good enough to where the casual male observer would refer to her as a babe. Think Tina Turner. This is the Crone Mother. She's dressed in an ornate gold costume and headdress. The kind reserved for sacred rituals and traditional ceremonies, or for welcoming special guests. This woman is hot, and magic seems to almost steam off of her. Were Xander here, his tongue would be wagging on the floor like a sick puppy.

However, he is not. Instead we see Giles, Buffy and Dawn escorted by two high level robed maidens. They enter the room quietly and are escorted to the center of the room. Once there, the maidens gesture for them to kneel, which Giles does immediately on both knees. Dawn does so hesitantly, and Buffy does not at all. Even after Giles & Dawn motion for her to join them. Buffy is in the middle, Giles is to her right, and Dawn is to her left.

The two escorting maidens bow deeply and quietly, then they back step towards the main doors several feet before turning around quietly and exiting without a word. Buffy just stands there looking at the back of this strange woman, being none too impressed. Giles looks like he's about to be embarrassed beyond imagining and is trying not to look at anything. Dawn is mildly mesmerized by the woman standing before them. The room is silent as a tomb.

The Crone Mother turns around and smiles warmly at Buffy. We get close-ups of both of them, and we can see by Buffy's reaction that the mere presence of the Crone Mother causes Buffy to silently back down and she chooses to go down on one knee out of respect. The Crone Mother exhales. We get a shot of her full body from a bit below the pelvis up. The desk/altar is hiding the rest. Her costume looks ancient and strangely discreetly elaborate. It is more than one might expect from what we've seen thus far, since all the followers of this coven dress in plain brown robes. The Crone Mother holds a large golden sword in her hands, which she is holding as if it were a decorative cane.

CRONE: Rupert Giles. Watcher of the Council. Practitioner of the Arts. Noble protector by choice of the Coven of Devon. Defender of all humanity against the darkest forces of evil.

GILES: (eyes to the ground. Embarrassed) Please Mother. Just call me Giles.

CRONE: We call you what we wish.. Ripper!

GILES: (his head rears up at her. Looks at her) Y-yes mum.

CRONE: We use that term as one of endearment but also respect. You have served us before and though you believe we do you a service by ridding the darkness from the one you know as Willow Rosenberg, we assure you that again it is you have served us.

GILES: (puts his head back down) I was just glad I could help.

Unlike Giles who is down on both knees and appears to be trying to hide, Buffy's still on one knee and standing up straight. Dawn is somewhere in between, on both knees but standing more or less straight up. Buffy looks over at Giles incredulously. She's never seen him show so much respect before. She's almost embarrassed by his behavior.

During the next line, the Crone crosses around the desk/altar thing slowly, until she is in front of it, and only the four steps of the raised platform stand between the Crone and the kneeling three.

CRONE: The word 'help' is a powerful one, more powerful than the words 'hope,' 'charity,' 'duty' and 'love.' To offer help is to do one's duty. To offer support is an act of charity that brings hope to so many. Love is the emotion. Help is the action of that love.

Crone stares lovingly but dismissively at Buffy, who remains kneeling respectfully but also stands her ground. The crone fingers her golden sword. Her gaze leaves Buffy and falls on Dawn, who follows Giles' lead and looks down at the floor.

CRONE: The Key. (Dawn looks back up) It is good to see you have fallen into good hands. I met you long ago but I doubt you remember. You looked so very different back then, but I still recognize you. My how you've grown. I can remember when you were just a little energy ball. I even held you in my hands once. Not quite like a snuggling babe, but forgive me if I feel an affinity for you not unlike that of a great aunt.

Dawn has difficulty not smiling at that. She kinda likes the idea, but is confused by it.

CRONE: There are great things in store for you Little One. I only pray to the gods that I am here to serve you when that time has come. But enough of that for now.

Crone looks back at Buffy.

CRONE: The silver Slayer. It is an honor to meet you, Brave One. A wise man once said there are those who are born great, those who achieve greatness and those who have greatness thrust upon them. You my dear have managed to achieve all three and despite the heavy heart you carry in your breast, you carry yourself with a pride and dignity that lights up this humble chamber. There will come a day when we fight side by side, and I for one am looking forward to it.

BUFFY: There will? Uh, I mean.. I'm looking forward to that day too.. mum –er, ma'am.

CRONE: Please. Call me Winnifred. Or Winny. (smiles)

GILES: (looks up at Buffy. Whispering.) She likes you. That's good.

Buffy gives Giles a childish squinched up nose, look.

CRONE: Ripper?

GILES: (looks up at her) Yes, mum.

CRONE: I ask you to observe and memorize the grace and reluctant respect with which Buffy maintains herself while she stands before me.

GILES: Yes mum?

CRONE: Now you do the same. And you Little One.

Buffy looks very pleased with herself as Dawn & Giles effort to mirror her one knee stance.

BUFFY: No reluctant respect meant, uh, Winnifred? It's just not often I feel a need to kneel before anyone.

CRONE: Which makes it doubly an honor for me that you have chosen to do so. For it is an act of trust and respect. In times of yore the bravest of knights would lower their helms to their arms and offer their necks to their chosen Lord, being equally willing to follow orders or have their heads chopped off with a blade not unlike this one. You do not offer your neck to me, nor I promise will that ever be required. In fact I should be the one kneeling before you. For I know if I ask of you a task that will save millions, you will do it without question, and I would do the same for you.

BUFFY: Wow. Uh I mean ..cool. Er, I mean

GILES: Sshh!

BUFFY: Oh. Sorry. (smiles)

CRONE: First things first. So that we can dismiss the formalities. Ripper? I am going to knight you.

He starts to object but with but a look she silences him.

CRONE: I am going to ask all three of you to be at this Coven's duty in an honorary standing. There will be no disgrace if you ever say no, but I am sure when the times come that we need it you will not. In return our humble services will continue to be at your disposal. Trust me, Ripper. When you compare this embarrassment to your frequent flyer mileage I'm sure one day you will thank me. I've spoken with the other High Priestesses and we will only continue to allow you our teleportation services if you acquiesce to this command.

GILES: Yes, mum.

CRONE: And you've been commuting between Devon and Sunnydale rather a lot. Haven't you?

GILES: Yes, mum. I must say it is not an embarrassment but an honor.

CRONE: Oh no you are embarrassed but never you mind. Hush.

She raises the sword and dutifully places the flat end upon his shoulders. First the right and then the left.

CRONE: The thought deep down of knowing that from this day forward you will be known in certain circles as Sir Rupert Giles of The Knights of the Order of the Silver Moon. What will they say at the cricket club?

She goes to Dawn. And does the same.

CRONE: And to you Dawn Summers. Daughter of Joyce whose spirit you keep alive in your heart. Vessel of The Key. I dub thee Lady Dawn of The Knights of the Order of the Silver Moon, and you shall retain honorary status with all the rights and privileges bestowed with that title.

DAWN: (quietly. In awe.) Thank you ma'am.. mum?

She goes to Buffy. And starts the same.

BUFFY: I hate to say no but…

CRONE: Really?

BUFFY: I'm already the Slayer. As you pointed out it's quite a weight. To be at this coven's beck and call too?

GILES: (bitterly) After all she's done for Willow?

BUFFY: And I thank you for that. I mean no disrespect.

CRONE: Dear, you were at this Coven's beck and call the moment you realized what you are. Your duty is to save the world, and this Coven is in that world. Twenty-four of the previous Slayers have also received this title. This makes you the Silver Slayer, and the answer to none too few prophecies.

Buffy looks at her thoughtfully. She then relents.

CRONE: Buffy. Daughter of Joyce whose spirit you keep alive in your heart. Protector of The Key. Silver Vampire Slayer. Reluctant but dutiful defender of The Light and The World. I dub thee Lady Buffy of the Knights of the Order of the Silver Moon. The twenty-fifth Slayer to bare the name.

Crone stands back as if to view her handiwork.

BUFFY: (all smiles) Thank you. Winny.

CRONE: (winks at her) Buffy. Now, rise up and make way as we complete these formalities and then I can explain to you why I have brought you here.

DAWN: Make way?

GILES: For whom?

As if on cue (and I love it when that happens on the show) two more robed maidens open the door and escort a confused and befuddled Xander into the room, they escort him to the center of the antechamber and then bow out with a hasty retreat. Dawn waves at Xander excitedly.

XANDER: What the hell is going on? I was in the Magic Box, what's left of it, and then all the sudden I was here. Where's here?

GILES: (rather beside himself. Trying not to laugh) You're in Devon, Xander.

XANDER: Devon? That's in England right?

BUFFY: Kneel Xander.

XANDER: Huh?

Buffy points over to the Crone Mother. Xander takes one look at her, and if this were a cartoon, his tongue would roll out, hit the ground and start wagging. She motions for him to kneel before her and he does as requested without a thought in his head. She goes through the motions of knighting him as she says this. His eyes are wide and his mouth is agape.

CRONE: Alexander LaVelle Harris. Son of.. well, we won't bring him into this. Loyal Devotee to the Silver Slayer. World Protector. Defender of The Key. Savior to Willow Rosenberg. Savior to Mother Earth. Honorable Hawk of the Night. I dub thee Sir Alexander of The Knights of the Order of the Silver Moon, and you shall retain honorary status with all the rights and privileges bestowed with that title.

XANDER: Shouldn't I have worn a tux for this? Or chain mail?

CRONE: (smiles at him) Rise, Sir Alexander.

XANDER: What just happened?

GILES: (shakes his hand) We're now paladins, Xander. (to the three of them) Could we keep this to ourselves when we get back?

DAWN: (excitedly) Does this mean I get my own sword?

GILES: Well you might be a knight but you're now Buffy's squire.

BUFFY: She is?

GILES: If she's a knight you'll need to teach her how to be one. (smiles) and I'll be happy to help where I can.

DAWN: This is so cool!

Overwhelmed with happiness, she gives Buffy a big hug. Then she hugs Xander. Then she hugs Giles. Then she hugs the Crone Mother, which mildly concerns Giles, but the Crone Mother embraces back lovingly so Giles calms down.

Then Winny hugs Buffy, who self-consciously hugs back. Winny pulls her back by the shoulders and drinks her in with her eyes, like a proud mother.

CRONE: The Watchers Council be damned. I'm glad to trust you with my life and the lives of those I serve.

BUFFY: Are we really gonna fight side by side some day?

CRONE: Someday soon I'm afraid, but not too soon.

BUFFY: I really am looking forward to that!

CRONE: Me too.

GILES: Watcher's Council? What about it?

CRONE: That's part of why we need to talk. First I'll want to strip off these annoying clothes.

XANDER: Really?

Everyone looks at him. Winny looks at him slightly differently, as if she could just eat him all up. She's mildly amused at his attraction for her. Xander looks at Giles and Buffy, who share disdain for him at the moment.

XANDER: What?

END SCENE. COMMERCIAL BREAK.



ACT III

Scene: Outside the police station of Sunnydale. The same station we saw in the episode "Two To Go" in season six. Renovations are being made on the second floor where Willow had ripped out a hole in order to attack Jonathan and Andrew, but it's not completed yet. Scaffolding can be seen. Perhaps one or two construction workers are working on it.

Andrew flies in, carrying Jonathan. Once there he lands on the parking spaces there and then turns Jonathan around.

JONATHAN: No, you don't understand! I wanted to return to this place not to beat up on anybody, but to turn myself in. I broke the law. I wanna do my time!

ANDREW: There is no time for that, but perhaps there will be other weak- minded people like you and your friend upon which my brethren and I can feed!

JONATHAN: No! You-you don't want to do this. Andrew! Fight him! Stop him!

ANDREW: (voice echoes) Andrew's not in any condition to stop my brethren or me. In a moment, neither will you.

Andrew's eyes turn green as he stares into Jonathan, who's eyes flicker green for a moment but nothing happens. Andrew huffs in response, then throws Jonathan to the ground.

ANDREW: Damn! I should have left you behind! You're too willful! Too wise to be of any use to me!

JONATHAN: (still on the ground, licking his wounds) Gee! Thanks!

Andrew turns his attention to a couple policemen who are approaching them now. Jonathan puts his hands up.

POLICE 1: Look Joe, it's that kid who broke out of here the other day.

POLICE 2: Let's get'm.

Andrew's eyes turn green. So do those of the policemen. We see dark clouds rise out of them and form into Kulmari. They disarm the policemen, spin them around, and look into their eyes.

The policemen are now possessed. Andrew leads the two policemen into the police station.

The camera cuts to Jonathan, who reacts with horror as we hear screams and gunshot and all manner of things coming from inside the police station.

JONATHAN: Kulmari. I think I can stop them. But I'll need help.

Jonathan gets up and runs away.

JONATHAN: And yak cheese!

END SCENE



Scene: A lovely tea room, somewhere in the coven of Devon. There are attendees in brown robes serving Giles, Xander, Buffy, Dawn and Winny the Crone Mother. Giles is quite at home here, as is the Crone. Buffy, Dawn & Xander are familiar with teatime by being with Giles but they still appear out of their element. Winny is wearing a conservative civilian outfit. It is bright red, but otherwise similar to that of a business executive. She sits closest to Giles. Very friendly, and unlike the more formal presence the two of them shared before.

DAWN: Ooh look! Little doilies.

XANDER: (sips from a cup) This tastes great! What is this stuff?

GILES: It's tea, Xander.

XANDER: Tea? This doesn't taste like tea. I mean, no offense Giles but your tea, and any tea I've ever had just tastes like dirty water. This stuff is great!

CRONE: (mildly flirtatious) I'm pleased that it pleases you, Sir Alexander.

XANDER: Man this Sir stuff it's gonna take some getting used to.

GILES: (attempting to ignore Xander. Speaking to the Crone.) You mentioned the Watcher's Council before?

CRONE: (to Giles) My contacts tell me that the Council's going to cancel their Slayer department and focus their efforts on other ways to rid the world of vampires.

BUFFY: Huh? But I thought that's all they were. They watched Slayers.

GILES: We're called Watchers Buffy not because we watch Slayers but because we watch the darker elements of the world and seek ways to stop it. Our discovery of the Slayer legend is but one of the areas under the Council's watchful eye. There are other elements at their disposal, including a few things that perpetually function in order to keep vampirism from completely consuming humanity.

DAWN: Like what?

GILES: Well there are some things they don't inform me. The Council functions on a need to know basis, but believe me when I say the Council has stopped the dam, but was unable to plug the leaks.

CRONE: (to Giles) I also must inform you dear Ripper, and it pains me to say this, but there are discussions of revoking your position as a Watcher on the Council. They also intend to formally claim that Buffy is no longer a Vampire Slayer, even though she still wields the powers of one.

GILES: (shocked) I've heard nothing of this.

CRONE: As is their plan. For you not to know. They tried and failed to release Buffy's successor Faith from prison, and as they have no faith in you or Buffy, they're redirecting their efforts.

GILES: This is Warrick's doing, isn't it?

BUFFY: Warrick?

GILES: Another Watcher. A sniveling worm of a man whose made his way up the ranks and hierarchy of power in the Council.

BUFFY: An old rival?

GILES: There's no loss of love between us.

CRONE: It's not just Warrick, but he is fueling the fires of dissention.

GILES: Goodness! I must return to the Council immediately. Try to undo the damage that he's done.

CRONE: There is no time. Tomorrow you'll need to return to Sunnydale. Your services will once again be required.

DAWN: How come?

CRONE: Someone has unleashed the Kulmari on this plane.

GILES: The Kulmari!

XANDER: Kulmari? Sounds like more baddies we get to beat on. Just gimme an axe and show me where to point it.

GILES: It's not going to be quite as easy as that, Xander.

CRONE: (to Xander) The Kulmari are powerful spirits of long dead warriors. They were disgraced when they lived, and were not given what they believe to be their rightful place in the afterlife side by side with other respected warriors. They've wallowed in hell-dimensions for millennia, and some foolish soul has unleashed them on this planet. They must be stopped before..

BUFFY: Before what?

CRONE: Well to put it in a way Xander might say, The Kulmari are.. rowdy. They know how to party?

XANDER: In other words they could crash a biker demon party and the biker demons would have to buy them drinks?

GILES: The biker demons would run for the hills.

BUFFY: Ick. Well the bigger they are the harder they fall.

CRONE: If you can hit them. Being powerful apparitions they're only able to remain solid for brief periods of time, when they attempt to affect people or property. Their natural status is one of visual appearance but tangible transparency.

BUFFY: So I can only hit them when they're hitting on me?

CRONE: Precisely.

GILES: In my studies I've read a bit about them. There is not much, but they have attempted to conquer our reality three times before.

BUFFY: What stopped them?

GILES: The originator of their summoning. Once that is destroyed, so are they.

CRONE: Also, to remain in this plane of existence they have to spend their time inside a host.

DAWN: A host?

CRONE: Yes, Lady Dawn. They possess the bodies of weak-minded people, and while in that person's body they siphon off the life essences of their victims so that they can remain tangible for brief periods of time without them.

BUFFY: They sound like newfangled vampires to me. (others look at her) I mean vampires drink the blood of their victims to keep strong, and these guys suck the life essence out of people.

XANDER: Just another day at the office for us, eh Lady Buffy?

BUFFY: (smiles) You got it Sir Xander. We beat or phase through the meanies, then we find the guy who started it all, and we kill him. Simple.

CRONE: That's what I love about you, Buffy.

BUFFY: What?

CRONE: I can't tell if it's bravery or ignorance but either way you save the world with everything you have.

BUFFY: I'll take that as a compliment?

CRONE: That's as it was intended.

GILES: (stands up) Well if that's everything. We must be off. I have a few books at home that may further enlighten us on the Kulmari. (Giles & Buffy stand and collect themselves) We'll head straight to the teleportation chamber.

CRONE: I'll alert the circle that you're coming.

DAWN: We have to leave now? I'm not done sipping.

CRONE: We'll make a thermos for you dear.

DAWN: Ooh goody. (she follows off after Buffy)

XANDER: Me too?

CRONE: Of course Sir Alexander.

XANDER: Sir Alexander. (smiles at her) Such a nice ring to it.

CRONE: (Helps him to his feet. Speaking playfully) And if things don't work out with that lady demon friend of yours, feel free to give me a call.

XANDER: (suddenly realizing she's flirting with him) Uhm.. O-okay.. Maybe a- a-a movie or somethin'.

CRONE: I wasn't thinking of a date. (she pulls him close and Xander gives a yelp, as if she just put one of her legs between his off camera) Rank has its privileges.

She kisses him fully on the mouth, which surprises the heck out of him. She pulls back and beeps him on the nose with a forefinger.

CRONE: But you really should have married her, you know.

Giles, Buffy & Dawn are framed in the doorway. Buffy & Dawn are in pure shock, but Giles is trying very hard not to laugh.

DAWN: Can you believe that?

GILES: She has a gift, to know precisely what someone most desperately needs.

DAWN: Blue balls? (giggles)

GILES: Confidence. The lad lacks confidence. She just infused enough confidence in him to ..he may take on the Kulmari single-handedly.

BUFFY: (Almost jealous. Calling) Come on Xander!

Camera cuts to show Xander & Winny still standing very close to one another. Xander's eyes are wide and he's licking his upper lip. She's lustfully looking at him, as if ready to devour him whole.

CRONE: Go join your friends.

XANDER: Yes ma'am.

Xander walks away and as he goes, she slaps him on the butt. As they leave she starts chuckling to herself, then lets out a delicious belly laugh.

END SCENE.



Scene: The streets of Sunnydale at night. Anya, and Clem are walking away from the worse streets of Sunnydale towards main street. She's helping Clem walk but it's a bit of an effort for her to do so. He's a big guy compared to her. Clem looks a little better than last we saw him but not by much.

ANYA: Oh fine. Xander's always around to help save the world, but when I need him? What's he do? He doesn't follow me. Granted I teleported away which makes it hard to follow me, but I told him I was going to Rack's. Granted he doesn't know where Rack's place is. But those should be little meaningless obstacles for a guy who saves the world all the time.

CLEM: Xander saved the world?

ANYA: Yeah Clem. Unfortunately. Why couldn't somebody else have saved the world so I could still be mad at him?

CLEM: (groggily) Huh. Xander saved the world. That's cool.

ANYA: Oh yeah. That's cool alright. And all I get to be is the ex-fiance of the guy who saved the world. I was better off just as a vengeance demon without a conscience. And without human reproductive organs. I so want to have his babies now. This sucks.

CLEM: (laboriously) What..

ANYA: What Clem? You say something? One foot after the other that's good.

CLEM: What.. Did you do.. To that guy?

ANYA: (innocently) What guy?

CLEM: The guy Will.. Was after?

ANYA: Oh don't worry about him.

CLEM: Is he.. dead?

ANYA: Nope. Worse. Trust me you don't wanna know. I just put him some bad place temporarily until I can think of a better bad place. I wanna think long and hard. Might even ask Willow to help me decide where he should go. That might be fun. Provided she ever comes back to us.

As they struggle along down the street, the camera reveals Spike sitting on his motorcycle smoking a cigarette. Anya & Clem pass by them, not seeing him there, as Clem's eyes keep rolling back in his head and Anya's busy struggling to keep him upright.

SPIKE: (his English accent is completely gone) Annie? That you? In this part of town?

Anya reacts to the voice by letting go of Clem, who falls to a heap on the street. She turns around.

ANYA: Spike! We thought you'd left!

Spike stands up from the motorcycle and flicks the cigarette away. We walks towards her, with a noticeably different manner about his bearing. He's smiling slightly, but he looks like he carries the weight of the world on his shoulders.

I feel it necessary to restate that there is no English accent in his voice. None. He speaks as if he were an American, even though originally he wasn't.

SPIKE: Spike did leave. I came back.

ANYA: You're different somehow.

SPIKE: (takes her hand and kisses it gentlemanly) And please. Call me William.

At the word William, Anya's hand recoils away. She takes a step back and then trips on the fallen Clem, who moans.

SPIKE: Yeah I kind of expect that reaction. It's okay. (looks down at Clem) Looks like you need some help.

Spike picks up Clem and lifts him over his shoulder effortlessly.

ANYA: You- you- youyouyou

SPIKE: Got my soul back.

Spike walks past her. She follows after him a step. Closeup of Anya's face.

ANYA: You-youyou got your soul back?

QUICK FADE. COMMERCIAL BREAK.



ACT IV

Scene: Residential district of Sunnydale. Anya is walking with Spike, who has Clem slung over his shoulder. They've apparently been walking for awhile. Anya's a bit tired but Spike's not even winded, though he's carrying Clem who might be at least twice his weight.

SPIKE: Anyway after I was done with that demon guy and he gave me back my soul, I came straightaway back here, but not for the reason you probably suspect.

ANYA: Africa. Wow. So y-you went all the way Africa? T-t-to get your soul?

SPIKE: Really Annie. You're starting to sound like stuttering Tara. Is she okay, by the way? I heard there was a gunfight at the 'O K Summers Corral.'

ANYA: She's uh.. she's dead.

SPIKE: (stops walking) Dead dead?

ANYA: Far as I know.

SPIKE: By a gun. Not magic. So Willow was powerless to undo it. That must've ticked her off.

ANYA: That's putting it mildly. She went on a murderous rampage.

SPIKE: Damn shame. (stops short) Huh. Not even a desire to say 'bloody shame' Damn shame. Feels better. Weird. Tara was a great gal. A little quiet. I'm gonna miss her. (starts walking again) Where were you taking Clem?

ANYA: Uh, I didn't know.

SPIKE: I figured we can go by Buffy's place and see if someone can care for him there.

BUFFY: She won't want to see you.

SPIKE: And I've no desire to see her, so that would work out nice. Problem is the Key.

ANYA: You mean Dawn?

SPIKE: Yep. It's the one promise Spike made which I feel compelled to uphold.

CLEM: (still hanging over Spike's shoulder) I-I think I can walk now.

SPIKE: (helps Clem off his shoulder) You sure? I don't mind, man.

CLEM: Yeah just if the two of you can hold me up a bit. Being over your shoulder man I was about to hurl.

SPIKE: (nods understandingly. Then to Anya) I promised Dawn I'd protect her.

The two of them continue helping Clem, who puts his arms over their shoulders and the three walk slowly down the street.

SPIKE: Not even Buffy can keep me from that. Dawn's a special little girl and there's still forces out there who'd mean to cause harm to her just so they could turn her into an energy ball.

ANYA: She's not really the Key anymore. She doesn't open anything anymore.

SPIKE: You sound sure of that. Well, I'm not.

ANYA: That's very noble of you.

SPIKE: (laughs) I've never been accused of being noble.

ANYA: Maybe you should wait a little longer before you insist on holding up that promise.

SPIKE: Don't worry. I'll just drop Clem off and be off myself. If no one is there, we can take him back to Spike's old pad. Spike gave Clem the place before he left. Clem's probably made it his home now. Corn chips and empty cereal bowls everywhere.

CLEM: Hey I'm right here!

SPIKE: Sorry buddy.

CLEM: Buddy?

ANYA: Spike's got his soul back.

SPIKE: (smiles at Clem which freaks Clem out) Call me William.

CLEM: Oh. Okay.

SPIKE: Thanks for watching my place.

CLEM: You want it back?

SPIKE: We can share it. Till I get a new place.

CLEM: Really?

SPIKE Yeah you'd make a great roomie. You do all the shopping from now on though.

CLEM: Sure!

SPIKE: What happened to you anyway? Too much beer again?

ANYA: We'll tell ya later.

CLEM: We just came back from Rack's place.

SPIKE: (to Anya) That's not a place for a beautiful girl like you to hang out.

ANYA: Don't start complimenting me. What happened between you and me was something—

SPIKE: Didn't happen between us. It happened between you and Spike. Spike's gone.

ANYA: Gone?

CLEM: Gone?

SPIKE: Yep. Just like when Angeles was gone once Angel got his soul back. I can no longer relate well to the man.. the thing I once was. Admittedly I can't pick up where I left off several hundred years ago. I can't be human. I'm still mildly allergic to the sun, and thanks to Spike's stupidity I have a chip in my head, but I'll make do. I always have.

ANYA: Gee you're taking this well.

SPIKE: Yeah, well. I'll pour my soul out on paper later. Get my misery out artistically. Poetry. It's how I used to handle things. Bad poetry maybe. Pretentious. No critic ever liked what I wrote. That's a much better way of reacting to reality than trying to rape someone you consider to be a friend.

ANYA: Well you didn't rape me I must admit I sorta went willingly.

SPIKE: I didn't mean us. (Noticeably disappointed in himself) I recall Spike trying to hurt Buffy before he left.

ANYA: You mean before you left?

SPIKE: I wouldn't have done that. In fact, come to think of it I have no idea what Spike sees in Buffy. Sure she's strong but she's not muscular. She's actually rather mousy. Not my type. I like… big boned women, y'know? No offense.

CLEM: (breaks away from them and puts his head into a nearby bush) I'm gonna hurl!

Clem hurls. Nasty puking sounds.

SPIKE: Lemme guess. (points a thumb at Clem's back) Rack?

Anya nods.

SPIKE: Spike warned Clem about Rack. Shoulda stayed away, pal.

ANYA: It wasn't his choice.

CLEM: (in between heaves) Dawn made me go.

ANYA: After Willow almost killed Rack, Clem tried to help him and Rack used Clem to get back what Willow had stolen from him.

SPIKE: Willow went up against Rack? Man, that is powerful.

ANYA: She got very powerful. She almost destroyed the world.

SPIKE: (laughs) I'm away for a few days and everything goes to hell.

They both look at Clem. Spike puts a consoling hand on Clem's back. Clem hurls again.

ANYA: So I guess this means you wouldn't be interested in sharing an orgasm or two? I've been stinging for one all day.

SPIKE: Nope. Sorry.

ANYA: Not even the slightest inkling? A temptation?

SPIKE: (looks right at her. Smirking. Mocks English accent) Get thee behind me foul temptress. (drops accent) No offense. I mean you are beautiful, but like I said, I, William, I like my ladies with some uh... meat?

ANYA: You like'm big-boned.

SPIKE: Yeah. You're too bony. Contrary to popular belief, centuries ago it was a very small percentage of women who fit comfortably in a corset. (shrugs) I like it when they're bursting out of 'em.

Clem appears to have recovered. They continue helping him walk.

SPIKE: Besides, you're still Xander's territory.

ANYA: Am not!

SPIKE: Are too and you know it. You're not his property, but you are his territory. You still want him he still wants you. You two just keep getting each other mad. (mock English accent) Ain't love grand? (he chuckles)

ANYA: Well. Wow. William. This is gonna take some getting used to.

SPIKE: The end of the world as you know it, eh? Well, (big fake smile) I feel fine.

Anya looks at him, knowing he doesn't. She shows empathy and concern. They continue off screen, presumably to Buffy's.

END SCENE



Scene: Devon England. Coven. It's a ritual room with a large pentagram in the center. There's a circle of robed maidens around the pentagram. They're preparing a chant that will allow Giles, Buffy, Xander and Dawn to be teleported back to Sunnydale. Dawn's holding a small silver sword, like a big dagger.

XANDER: So how's Willow? Any better?

GILES: They didn't want to get our hopes up.

BUFFY: They're doing everything they can, Xander.

DAWN: Buffy, can I be a high priestess when I grow up?

BUFFY: No.

DAWN: You're no fun. I don't know why I asked you anywayz.

XANDER: I wish I could see her before we go.

GILES: They were in the middle of an important incantation when we left her side. They may still be performing it.

DAWN: They said they got all the bad magic stuff out of her, and they asked us to come cuz our being here helped pull her out of bad madness stuff.

BUFFY: (trying to be reassuring) We have to accept that Willow may never be what we once was.

XANDER: Yeah. I get that. I just wish there was more I could do.

GILES: We all feel the same way Xander, but you were there when she needed you most. That will have to be enough.

DAWN: (waving her sword) Besides, we're all knights now!

Buffy takes a hand and carefully stops Dawn from waving the sword then has her point the thing down to the ground.

GILES: Again, can we keep that to ourselves once in Sunnydale?

The others shake their heads smiling. He takes off his glasses and pinches the bridge of his nose.

One of the maidens walks up to them, and puts her arms around Giles & Xander.

MAIDEN: We're almost ready to begin, but we'll only be able to transport one or two of you at a time.

She then steps away from them and towards the circle, as if expecting one of them to follow her.

GILES: Oh. Well, I volunteer to go first. For me this is old hat.

XANDER: Is there any.. risk to this?

BUFFY: Xander!

XANDER: I mean could I end up somewhere other than Sunnydale? Like out in the middle of the Pacific Ocean? Cuz see.. that would bite.

GILES: (puts a reassuring hand on Xander's shoulder) Just follow my lead, lady-killer.

Xander gives him a dirty look. Giles smiles. He steps away and towards the circle. He's escorted into the center. Xander, Buffy and Dawn watch from outside the circle as the robed maidens chant around Giles. He gives a confident wave, and with a special effects Christmas tree light show, he is gone. The chanting lowers into a murmur but continues.

Xander gulps loudly.

XANDER: (noticeably shaken) Okay. Your turn Buffy.

BUFFY: Xander you just saved the world and this scares you?

XANDER: I really wish people would quit reminding me I saved the world. It wasn't that big of a deal, really. I just stood there and told Willow the truth. I didn't. Get teleported fifty thousand miles over a continent and an ocean.

DAWN: You did this before didn't you?

XANDER: Yeah, but they somehow teleported me here without telling me. So I didn't know it was happening until well after it did happen. I didn't have time to freak out until after it was all over.

BUFFY: Dawn, you go ahead, I'll go with Xander.

Dawn looks at her sister.

DAWN: I know this is gonna sound kinda silly? But I wanted to do this with you. Holding your hand. Like when we came here.

BUFFY: Don't tell me you're scared too.

DAWN: No! I'm not scared. It was just neat to share it with you before. You said we were gonna share more stuff. Remember? When Willow almost destroyed the world? I'm gonna hold you to that.

BUFFY: But what about Xander?

XANDER: Oh, don't you worry about me. You two go on ahead.

BUFFY: You sure?

XANDER: Sure I'm sure.

BUFFY: (kidding him) You're not gonna go back and try to get Winny's phone number.

XANDER: What? Oh that kiss? I'm not stupid. She didn't mean that. She was just playing with my head. (laughs) I mean really. A high priestess and a guy like me? My idea of a fancy dinner is Denny's. Billy Joel's Uptown Girl? Living in a white bread world? She's way out of my league.

BUFFY: Okay. I want you right behind us.

DAWN: (already in the circle) Come on, Buffy!

Buffy takes a step away.

XANDER: I'll be right there.

Buffy comes back.

BUFFY: Oh, and thanks for saving the world. (Big sloppy wet kiss on Xander's mouth)

Buffy joins Dawn in the circle. Buffy & Dawn take one another by the hands, holding Dawn's little sword between them. With a flash of special effects, they are gone.

The circle of women turn their heads to look at Xander.

XANDER: (still recovering from that kiss. Wipes his mouth on a sleeve.) Women. Sheesh. (standing still) Okay. My turn. Here I go. I'm moving into the circle now. This is me. My legs are moving. I'm going. I'm going.

CRONE: Wait!

Camera cuts to show that the double doors have opened into the darkened candle-lit hall. The crone and a couple other figures are standing at the door but it's too bright to make out whom it is.

Cut back to Xander as he squints and covers his eyes a bit with his hand then tries to get a glimpse of what's coming.

CRONE: Sir Alexander! I'm so glad I caught you in time!

She rushes up to him with a piece of parchment in her hand and gives him a peck on the lips.

CRONE: Some other lipstick there and it's not my kind. Buffy?

XANDER: Can't put anything past you.

CRONE: Figured I'd make her jealous.

XANDER: Jealous?

CRONE: (smiles) Not too bright are you?

XANDER: We're just friends I swear! I mean I did but she never...

CRONE: You poor thing. You should stick with the demon anyway. Ironically she'll be better for you, but enough of that for now. My sisters say she's ready to travel--

XANDER: (interrupting) Who's ready to travel?

CRONE: --but you must be very careful with her, and follow these instructions. (gives him the parchment) And keep the charm around her neck.

XANDER: Huh? What? (looks past Winny)

Camera shows Winny & Xander pull away from each other to reveal the double doors that are still open and three silhouettes are just walking into the candlelight of the room. Willow is on her feet, dressed in a maiden's robe, with two maiden escorts standing beside her. She looks unemotional as she takes another step forward. There's a glowing charm necklace around her neck.

XANDER: Will!



New Scene: We shift across the hemisphere to Sunnydale. Buffy's living room to be precise. Buffy, Dawn and Giles are there. They're looking in the center of the room waiting for Xander.

DAWN: The chicken.

BUFFY: Great. He's not gonna do it.

GILES: Wait another minute. Maybe…

BUFFY: I knew I shoulda stayed behind. Dragged his sorry butt into the circle.

The doorbell rings. The three of them look at each other. Then they walk away from the living room into the foyer.

DAWN: What he ran all this way? Or took the bus?

GILES: Perhaps they accidently transported him to the front yard.

BUFFY: That could happen?

GILES: Well. No.

BUFFY: Giles, they couldn't have stuck us in a wall, could they?

GILES: No! Of course not the coven's been perfecting this ability for centuries. It's only been recently that they've been able to transport people with any success however.

BUFFY: What?

Dawn opens the door, to reveal Anya and Spike holding up Clem.

CLEM: (looks drunk) Hi guys! (he almost falls into the foyer)

Buffy and Dawn help Anya and Spike try to keep him upright.

ANYA: I've got some great news! But first we have to do something with Clem.

DAWN: I can take him upstairs.

CLEM: No really I'm fine. (he's not fine)

During the struggle at the door, Buffy & Spike make eye contact.

SPIKE: (despite himself he's obviously still smitten) Buffy.

BUFFY: (despite herself she's obviously still smitten) Spike.

SPIKE: Please call me William.

Buffy takes a step back, wide-eyed.

Dawn puts one of Clem's arms over her shoulder. Clem manages to use the railing to further help him get his legs up the stairs.

DAWN: He can crash on my bed. I'll be right back down.

Dawn & Clem make their way up the stairs and out of sight.

Buffy & Spike stare at each other. Giles and Anya stand there uncomfortably.

ANYA: Spike got his soul back.

BUFFY: …oh.

SPIKE: Look. I better go.

BUFFY: No. Stay.

SPIKE: No really. I-I..

GILES: Your accent's gone.

SPIKE: Noticed that, huh Giles? (turns to Giles) I really must apologize. To everyone. But I can't undo what Spike did. So. I really didn't mean all those things Spike said, Mister Giles. You remind me.. and Spike of my father. So. All those arguments you had with him. I'd really like to just go home, write a poem for each of you. I'm better with words on paper.

GILES: The lass said stay. You still got a chip in your head?

SPIKE: Yes.

GILES: So you can't suck on humans?

SPIKE: Don't want to anyway. Broke into a blood bank on my way here.

ANYA: We left money.

GILES: And you have your soul.

SPIKE: Yes. Though Spike's plans for getting his soul backfired. He thought it would make me what Buffy most wanted. However (he looks over at Buffy) Well I was going to say I didn't love you anymore. But now I don't know.

BUFFY: You don't know.

Spike shrugs. Confused.

BUFFY: Well. That's a start. You can stay. We'll talk. Later.

SPIKE: (stands there soberly. Thankful) I never say no to a lady.

ANYA: But you just did!

SPIKE: That would have been inappropriate Annie.

BUFFY: Annie?

ANYA: I offered to "shag" him again and he turned me down.

Buffy looks at Spike surprised.

BUFFY: Inappropriate?

Spike just shrugs. Giles stifles a laugh.

ANYA: (shrugs) Oh! My big news! Willow didn't kill anybody!

BUFFY: What? But we saw him. She skinned him alive.

ANYA: That wasn't him. That wasn't Warren. That was a high quality magically infused golem which Rack had devised to fool Willow into thinking she killed him so she wouldn't keep going after him.

BUFFY: Like the robot?

ANYA: He didn't mention a robot.

BUFFY: Warren made a robot, which Willow found on a bus. She killed that too.

ANYA: Well Rack's Golem was obviously more convincing. It even fooled me. I just saw Warren who was very alive and I saw Rack too and they're both alive and well. Rack wanted me to take vengeance on Warren for inadvertently siccing Willow on him. So I sent Warren to a very bad place but the point is he lives! Willow didn't kill Warren!

WILLOW: (off camera) I didn't kill anybody?

The blood in everyone's bones freezes, and almost in unison they turn towards the living room.

CUT to shot of Xander & Willow standing in the center of the room. Xander, who still has two different kinds of lipstick on his face, is standing just behind Willow and was trying to cover Willow's ears but to no avail. Willow is wearing the maiden's robes of the coven, and also has a fashionable but paganistic charm necklace around her neck that's glowing a little bit. Willow moves Xander's hands away from her head. Everyone just stares at the emotionless face of Willow as if waiting for the other shoe to drop.

XANDER: Uh, is this a good thing or a bad thing?

END SCENE. CLOSING CREDITS.