It's Never Quite What It Seems
by: Karin-sama
shinigamis_wings@hotmail.com
Disclaimer: Any Gundam Wing characters, places, lines, situations do NOT belong to me. (though there were rumors. . .yeah right Karin-sama, just get on with the disclaimer, and be honest this time.) *ahem* as I was saying, they don't belong to me. The idea for this fic came from Jerr, who thought of the pairing and the circumstance, and I just kind of took it and used it for this fic. And the song is by Over the Rhine and I didn't write that either. (though the singer's name IS Karin. . .just like me!) Oh, my opinion that will show in the fic is only an opinion and nothing here is really canon in comparison to the real episode. . but Jerr thought it would be a good idea, and I agree with him. So just sit back and enjoy the fic!
"And your face"
The bang of a fist on alloy brought Wufei running from the cockpit of Peacemillion to the holding area. Duo had just returned, but had not joined the rest of the pilots. That meant something was wrong. He could be injured, or, judging from the pounding, trapped inside his cockpit. Either way, Wufei hurried to see what was going on.
When he got there, Duo was neither injured nor trapped but beating the locked door of the mysterious Taurus with heavy blows from both fists, shouting his frustration and effort with each one. The Taurus had some significance that Wufei was unaware of, but obviously it was important to Duo. Wufei stood shocked, watching as Duo ripped his pilot's gloves off and began tearing at the door with his fingers, breathing hysterically. He stood still, debating whether or not to say anything to him, or to help. What could possibly make Duo behave like this?
"Come on, come on!" Duo screamed, his fingers becoming slippery with blood as he cut himself on the partially open door. He collapsed against it, exhausted and almost crying. "Open, please open," he whimpered, his hands still pulling uselessly at the locked cockpit entrance. Just what was in there that he cared about so much? Who was the pilot that he felt the need to take the suit back with him? Wufei shook his head. He didn't know, but he couldn't let Duo carry on like this. It just wasn't natural.
"Duo!" He warned the boy of his presence before jumping in the low gravity area to join him by the door. Duo looked back quickly, a look of challenge crossing his features. When he saw who was there, his eyes softened. Wufei put his hand on Duo's shoulder, jerking his head toward the door. "Together." The braided boy wiped an arm across his eyes and nodded. Wufei found a strategic place along the seam of the door, a partially open spot due to Duo's kicking. "Ready? And pull!" The alloy shrieked in protest, but the hinge finally snapped. The entryway was clear, and it didn't take long for Duo to jump inside. Wufei remained where he was, looking down into the darkness, waiting for what would happen.
"Hilde? Easy, it's Duo. Hold still," came his voice from inside. Hilde? Wufei's eyes narrowed. Hilde. "That's it, don't move. Just let me. .Oh man, look at you. . . no, here, I've got you. . . .I'll take care of everything." Two heads emerged from the cockpit, and in Duo's arms, cradled gently, was Hilde. Her hair was cropped short, sticky with blood, and her eyes were closed, but Wufei would never forget her. Duo looked up from her to him questioningly and it was then that he realized he had gasped.
"I do know well."
"Wufei?" Duo's eyes searched him and he found himself pressed against the side of the Taurus, trying to remember how to breathe. It was her. There was no way he could be mistaken. "What's wrong?" Hilde tensed against the American, and his arms pulled her closer. "Don't move, Hilde. You'll be all right." His gaze went back to Wufei as he climbed clumsily out of the cockpit. "Wufei, what is it?"
"Let me take her," his voice sounded fuzzy in his ears so he licked his lips to calm himself. "Once you hit gravity, you might drop her." Duo licked his lips too, looking down at Hilde with a peculiar expression on his face. Wufei understood it, however. It was genuine affection, deep affection. Duo knew Hilde, and Duo loved Hilde. That was plain. He was very reluctant to give her up, his face telling that he wanted her near him, he wanted to take care of her. But so did Wufei. He breathed only because he was reminding himself that it was necessary, and his entire being was focused on the girl in Duo's arms. He wanted to take her, wanted her near him, wanted to look at her face and eyes and tell her what he hadn't told her the last time they'd been together.
"Please, Duo," he whispered, arms outstretched. "Let me take her." He gained a puzzled look for that statement, and no wonder. How would Duo know that Wufei's feelings toward the girl mirrored his own? Duo didn't know anything about that, but Wufei remembered. "You're more tired than you think," he finally muttered, hoping to make up for his strange outburst. Duo sighed, painfully, watching Hilde's still form with tender eyes.
"Whoever carries her, we'd better get her a doctor quick," he said softly, cradling her so carefully that Wufei's hand clenched. He knelt down, gently taking her from Duo's arms, not wanting her there any longer. He wanted her with him, where he could protect her and hold her. He sighed, shaking his head at the feeling. She was Duo's now, not his. He remembered every detail about her. Her deep, dark eyes, how light she felt when he lifted her. He remembered oh so clearly, but he doubted that she would.
"Come on, Duo," he swallowed once he heard the strain in his voice. "You both need some rest." Duo nodded worriedly, his eyes still locked on Hilde, and Wufei didn't blame him, but did despise him. There was something about Hilde that naturally drew attention, and once she had the attention there would be no forgetting her. That Wufei understood too well, and too late. It seemed that Duo had taken his place, if he ever had a place to begin with.
The gravity did indeed hit Duo with more force than even Wufei had predicted. In fact, he almost fell once they were out of the hanger, barely catching himself on the wall. He shook his head, violently, then scrubbed a hurried hand across his eyes. Wufei gave him sidelong looks, feeling guilty and selfish.
"Wufei! What happened?" Heero and Quatre were there now, running down the corridor to where Duo was still gaining his balance. Wufei shook his head.
"Just get a doctor," he said, nodding his head to the girl in his arms, who had her muscles clenched so tightly he knew she was in a lot of pain. "We'll discuss it later."
"Trowa's already on it," Quatre informed him, looking worriedly at both Hilde and Duo. "They should be here in a minute. Duo, you weren't hurt were you?" Duo was on his knees now, hand on the wall to steady himself, the blood from his damaged fingers leaving streaks.
"Just her," he panted, eyes barely open. "Just look after her." He really did care. He'd die for her, that was clear. Wufei bit his lip, but didn't have to say anything because the stretcher was here at last, Trowa leading the way.
"Duo," Hilde murmured feverishly as she was taken from Wufei's arms and laid carefully on the stretcher. The movement made her whimper in pain, struggling against the straps that secured her. "Duo!"
"It's all right, Hilde," Duo called from the floor, his eyes following her as they wheeled her down the hall. "Just hang on." He watched her anxiously until she was no longer in sight before turning to Heero. "She brought us this," he said coldly, holding out a computer disk. "She risked her life for this. I want you to take it and blow the Lybra to pieces." Heero gave him a curt nod, taking the disk and turning to leave. Quatre looked from Wufei to Duo, then pivoted to follow Heero and Trowa, leaving them alone in the hall. That was the last place that Wufei wanted to be. He wanted to be as far from Duo as possible. Duo, who had Hilde. Duo, who had what Wufei had always wanted.
But he couldn't just leave him there in the hall on his knees. He was tired, and hurting, and worried. There was more honor to Wufei than to abandon him now, so he took his arm and helped him up, leading him carefully down the hall to an empty room.
"Let me take care of your hands," he said as Duo sank into a chair. There was a medical kit in the room, of course, and Wufei took it down from the wall to see if it had everything he would need inside.
"Do you think she'll be all right?" Duo asked nervously, looking toward the door as if he were going to sprint out of it to see. Wufei buried his face in the medical kit, examining the peroxide and the wrapping tape.
"I really don't know, Duo." Nor did he want to think about it. He'd thought about it enough already. He'd thought about her all the time after she'd left. To have her suddenly there again was almost too much, and having her there only to lose her again would be completely unbearable.
"She's so stubborn," Duo sighed as Wufei sat down across from him, busying himself with cleaning Duo's hands so he wouldn't have to look into his face. That would make his thoughts too obvious. "I told her not to come." He paused to snicker softly. "But she always was a fighter." Wufei's stomach tightened. He knew that already. Duo winced as Wufei brushed a cut on his hand with more force than was really necessary.
"Sorry," he muttered. "You sure made a mess of yourself." He had hoped that would bring an end to Duo's chatter, but as the American had a natural tendency to talk, and to talk more when he was upset, it didn't bring an end to anything.
"She shouldn't have come, but I'm glad she did. Have you ever felt that way about someone, Wufei? You want to protect them from every horrible thing in the world, but you can't. Do you know what I mean?" Wufei bit his lip and tried not to choke on something hard that had tightened his throat.
"I think I might," he said softly, his voice so strained his could hardly hear it. Just hush, Duo, don't talk about it anymore. It's killing me to be in the same room with you. I don't want to have to bear you talking about her too. But Duo didn't know that, and Wufei was not about to tell him that before Hilde had loved him, Wufei had loved her.
"You just can't lock her in a room so she'll be safe," Duo continued as Wufei wrapped bandages around his fingers and hands. "But what am I talking about? It's not like she came for me, she came for the colonies." Wufei resisted the urge to knock Duo off his chair. Of course she had come for him! Hadn't he heard her whimper his name when they took her away? It had been him she was crying for, not the colonies, and certainly not for Wufei. "I wish I could tell her," he paused, looking at Wufei who was concentrating very hard on tying off a bandage. "Do you suppose she's awake? Do you think I could see her now? I never told her," again he paused, as if unable to say what he wanted to tell her.
"We. . .we could check," Wufei still found it impossible to look the other pilot in the face. It wasn't his fault. It wasn't anyone's fault. Just a nasty twist of events that did nothing but tease Wufei with images and memories, when he would be denied everything he had ever wanted of life. It just wasn't fair, and for that reason, he couldn't look in Duo's eyes.
"She's just so special, Wufei. You have no idea."
Really, Wufei thought. I have a better idea than you think.
"Every breath breathes farewell."
It took them a while, Duo moving more slowly than usual, but they eventually found the room where Hilde was being held. As soon as they entered Wufei felt a chill run through him, and heard Duo give a small cry.
She was so still, so completely still there was no way to tell that she wasn't dead. It was only the beeping of the heart monitor, slow and weak, that let them know she was still alive. Bandages covered her head and arms in resemblance to a burial shroud. Duo bit his bottom lip to keep it from trembling as he lowered himself gingerly into a chair, pulling it close to her bedside. She did not murmur his name this time, nor move at all when he took her hand. At spaced intervals there would come a whoosh of air from the respirator that forced her lungs to work. Seeing her like that, with Duo's bandaged fingers intwined with hers, so still and pale and small, made Wufei want to run. He wanted to run as far away from that room as possible, and forget that she was here at all, forget that he had ever seen her. But then he looked at Duo, and had to stand where he was. For Duo was in worse shape than he at the moment, and needed someone to help him.
"Look what they did to her," he breathed in a tear strained voice. His shoulders rose and fell rapidly to prevent him from breaking into sobs. "Is she going to make it, Wufei?" That was the one question he couldn't answer. He just couldn't. He didn't know, nor did he want to know. He found himself moving to the other side of the bed, and taking Hilde's other hand before he knew what he was doing. Her head turned slightly toward him, letting him know she had at least recognized the action. It made his heart twist, and a teardrop fell to Hilde's pale hand.
"Wufei?" Duo's voice came to him, but he couldn't look up now. Now that he had shown his weakness.
"Pray, Duo," he commanded, hoping his voice was more steady than his hands. "Just pray."
"It's so still"
Minutes ticked into hours, and neither Duo nor Wufei moved from Hilde's side. Wufei could feel Duo watching him, and could guess very well the expression on his face. He wanted to know why Wufei was still here with him. He wanted to know why Wufei was holding Hilde's hand. He wanted to know why Wufei was crying. He'd just have to keep wondering because there was no way Wufei could put into words what he was feeling right now. And even if he could, there would be no way he could tell Duo.
He looked up from Hilde's closed eyes once, only to see Duo staring at him exactly the way he had guessed he would. There was question there, and hurt too, and though Wufei wanted to look away he found that Duo had him trapped by that stare. Why are you still here, the eyes asked. What aren't you telling me?
"You should get some rest, Duo," he heard himself say just to banish the uncomfortable silence of their locked eyes. "You're going to need it." Duo raised an eyebrow, then broke his gaze to consider Hilde again.
"I don't want her to be alone," he murmured sleepily. "She shouldn't be alone."
"I'll stay with her." Duo's look was suspicious. Could he guess the reason that Wufei was volunteering for this? "Don't worry, I'll come get you if something happens." The other pilot's face softened into an exhausted expression. He stood slowly, using the chair for support.
"Thanks Wufei," he smiled. "You're a good friend." Wufei felt as if he'd been stabbed, but didn't respond as Duo made his way from the room. If he knew why Wufei had offered, he wouldn't think that.
Once he was gone, and Wufei could no longer hear his steps in the hallway, he leaned cautiously over Hilde to kiss her forehead as he'd been wanting to all evening. She winced at the touch, making a soft sound in her throat, but her eyes remained closed. He nodded to himself, then crossed the room to close the door, wishing there was a lock on it. Now he was alone with her. Now he could talk to her as he'd wanted to ever since he first met her. But he found he couldn't. He couldn't speak. He could only look at her, watch her, and think of how it would hurt Duo if he were to take her back to the way things had been.
"No soul could tell,"
He couldn't talk, but he could think, and he found himself remembering everything they had ever done together. Remembering how he'd met her, remembering how she had laughed. All the pilots had their respected secrets. . .pieces of past that they would never share with anyone as long as they lived. Heero's real name, the reason Duo kissed his cross before every battle, Trowa's silence, and Quatre's drive that kept him fighting. Well Wufei's secret was right here in front of him. Here was his driving force to continue the war. Odd that it would turn out to be the same as Duo's, someone he had never before had anything in common with. Ironic, and yet very sad.
He took Duo's chair, and took Hilde's hand, and just sat in quiet reverie. So this was why she had left the colony. She wanted to fight, and she knew he would never allow her to. He would have tried to do the same as Duo, tried to keep her locked away from the battle. He wished desperately that he had. Then she never would have ended up here. She never would have been injured, and she never would have met Duo.
Shaking his head slowly, he stroked a pattern on her hand with his thumb, the Chinese character for his name. He did it without thinking, as he'd done it before. Back when they spent their days racing each other through the lilac garden, and he'd traced their names in the sand every night before he raked it back into the original style. Once he realized what he was doing, he let his hand fall to his lap. This was dangerous for him, and he knew it. This could lead him to feel the way he had felt, and going through that again was not something he cared to experience. And yet. . . He stopped the thought as he saw Hilde's hand move slightly. Her pale finger stretched over the white sheet and traced his name out, slowly but unmistakably. She then went on to trace her own name directly below his, the way he had always done it in the sand. Did she remember? Was it a trick of her subconscious or did she truly remember him? She made a frustrated cooing sound in her throat, but murmuring was denied her due to the tube that forced her lungs to function. Yet he knew what she would have said. He knew she was trying to say his name. His name, not Duo's, his.
"That's right, Hilde," he bent low to whisper in her ear, smiling broadly. "I'm right here. You do remember me, don't you?" The slight pressure of her fingers on his hand told him that she did, indeed, remember. He breathed deeply, enjoying the feeling of being remembered. Though the memories weren't all good ones.
"But one day like this the angels fell,"
She had come with the survivors of the colony explosion. The very first one that had been destroyed by the Alliance as an example to the others. Wufei's colony was the closest to the one that had been destroyed, so the survivors were sent directly there. There were only nine, a family of five, a young couple and their infant son, and Hilde. He remembered them all, because they were all strange. It had been a German colony, and both families had been pale and blonde, with large, frightened blue eyes. Except for Hilde, the only dark haired one of the group, and her eyes were not frightened. Her eyes were full of rage, dark and hard. She carried her hands in fists, and from that moment caught Wufei's perfect attention.
That's why he had been the first to offer her any assistance she might need. She had glared at him at the beginning, not trusting him any more than she trusted the Alliance. She didn't speak to him, but every move she made demanded to know what he wanted with her. It took him a long time to even convince her to come with him to the shrine, that he wanted to help her. It was an odd persuasion as he found very early that she didn't speak Chinese, and he didn't speak German. They both, however, had been required to learn English, at least in part, because everyone on the earth spoke it.
"Need place to stay?" He had asked in his faltering, broken phrasing and terrible accent. He wished he'd paid more attention to his studies. It never seemed important before. He'd never be going to Earth anyway.
"Ja," her eyes narrowed and she hunched over as if she were going to fight him. He put his hands up and took a step back.
"Come." He gestured for her to follow, then proceeded slowly, stopping every few steps to make sure she was still there. She always was, but looking about herself suspiciously.
"They took my home," she said softly once they stood side by side before Wufei's small dwelling near the shrine where he served the priests. "How long before yours follows?" He had an impulse to hug her, but suppressed it. He didn't even know her after all, but he was impressed at her English skills.
"It safe here," he assured her, bringing her into his place. There was only one bedroom, and he had already decided that she would have it to herself. "You stay, and be safe." With more awkward sentences on his part he left her to herself as he went out to rake the sand into pattern as he did every evening. It was his duty, and she needed some time to herself, so he went even though he'd rather have stayed.
The garden was near, and he took his rake with familiarity to begin. As he worked he tried to review every English lesson he'd ever taken, wishing again and again that he'd memorized the grammar more completely. He finished the sand waves around the large rocks, then moved on to the harmony garden. Engrossed in making the characters for harmony, peace, and happiness, he did not even hear her come up to the side until she spoke.
"Very nice work," she said, startling him almost enough to drop his rake. "What does it mean?" She stood with her arms crossed, intently examining the marks in the sand.
"This mean peace," he pointed with the rake. "And this mean -"
"How can you tell?" She was almost smiling. "It is hard to see." That was all Wufei needed.
"Then come. I show you." He offered her his hand, and she timidly joined him, blushing about making footprints in his sand. He waved off her concern. "I just rake again," he soothed once she reached his side. "Now look." He traced the word again, pointing out to her all the things that made it particular. It made her laugh, a most wonderful sound.
"And your name?" He smiled, sketching his name into the sand.
"Wufei," he read. "And you?"
"Hilde." He nodded, raking hers under his, and reading it as he did so. Then he went on to make one extra character, smiling all the while.
"Now what's that?" Hilde pointed, squinting as if that would help her distinguish the meaning.
"Friend." They exchanged a smile, sweet and soft.
"Thank you, Wufei."
She spent that night, and many nights afterward, in his home. They learned much from each other during that time. He taught her how to read Chinese and she taught him how to speak English more clearly. He taught her everything about the garden, the lilac bushes and the rocks and the sand, and she taught him the most useful skill he'd ever used. She taught him how to fight.
"Just wait, Wufei," she would pant after a lesson. "There's going to be a war, and we have to be ready for it. Don't ever forget that. Now again!"
"You say that, but how do you know?" He'd ask as he dodged a kick. He'd rather study than this kind of nonsense, but if it was for her then he'd do anything. She glared, attacking more rapidly. "I mean," he half pretended to fight back. "There hasn't been any more attacks since. . ." a ferocious punch brought his statement short. They both knew the first and the last had been her own colony, and he should have known better than to bring it up in the first place.
"It will happen," she warned. "They took my home, but what they want is everything. We've got to be ready to fight so they won't take your home too. Your gardens won't mean anything then, will they? Or your books either."
So they trained together, hard, anticipating the day when war would come. They learned battle strategy in the morning, trained in the afternoon, and raked the sand in the evening. Everything together until Hilde's premonition came true.
Wufei was not at the shrine when the announcement finally came. He first heard it in the town square where he'd been running an errand. War, was the whisper on everyone's lips. War has broken out. The Alliance wants to take over the colonies! They have assassinated the president. It's going to get worse from here on out.
Although he hurried back to Hilde, she was not there when he arrived. He knew where she'd gone. She'd gone to fight. She'd gone for her vengeance. He could picture that rage in her dark eyes, like the day he'd first met her, and her hands clenched tightly in determination. He hadn't wanted her to go. He'd wanted to keep her with him, safe with him. But she'd left him. His angel had flown, but she did leave something behind. He found it that evening when he went out to rake the garden. She had already done it, but in the fashion of their first night.
Wufei . . .Hilde. . .friends, was the farewell message etched in the sand. Wufei clutched the rake tightly. She was gone, but he was going to follow her. War might bring darkness, but angels and stars always shine bright.
"And it's never quite what it seems."
"I'm so sorry, Hilde," Wufei whispered to her closed eyes. "I'm sorry I didn't believe you, and I'm sorry I lost you." Duo could never know about this, ever. What would it do to him to know? Duo had always been more emotional and verbal than Wufei. Could he handle it? Should Wufei even try to win her back? He just didn't know. On one hand he wanted to return to the past with her, but on the other, he didn't want to hurt Duo.
"Everything is confused now, eh, Hilde? I can't do anything right, either way, can I? But remember that I never wanted things to turn out this way for us. I only wanted you to be safe."
A tear slid past her closed eyelids, making him grip her hand slightly tighter. Hang on, Hilde, for Duo if for anyone. You don't have to like me anymore. You don't owe me anything, but you do owe something to Duo. So just hang on.
"It's all right, Hilde," he choked, using his thumb to banish the tear from her cheek. Her finger moved again to write his name on the sheet, over and over the same characters. He bit his lip, putting his other hand over hers to stop the convulsive movement. "Just hold still, Hilde. Don't worry about anything. Why, I won't even be here when you wake up. It will all be a bad dream." Another tear fell to the pillow, and then, quite unexpectedly, the soft beep of the heart monitor turned sharp and long. It had gone flat line, and it was then that Wufei realized that coming to her might have been the worst mistake of his life.
"And it bleeds,"
All at once, action was everywhere. A doctor flanked by nurses burst into the room before Wufei had really registered what was happening. A nurse tugged at his sleeve, pulling him away from Hilde and shoving him out the door to the hall.
"Hang on," he shouted, wanting to shove her right back in so he could see what was going on. "What's happening? What are they doing? Is she going to be all right?" The nurse shook her head, patting his shoulder in what she must have thought to be a comforting gesture.
"We'll see," she said in a soft voice. "We'll just have to be patient. She has lost quite a bit of blood, you realize. But we'll do all we can for her. You just find somewhere to wait, and do stay calm, won't you?" He wanted to scream at her for her matter of fact manner. Didn't she know what was going on? Didn't she realize what Hilde meant to him?
"Go on, now," she urged, giving him a slight push to get him started. "We'll let you know as soon as we know ourselves. Go, you'll just be in the way if you stay here." She made a shooing motion, then rushed back in the room, shutting the door firmly behind her. The last thing Wufei heard before it was fully closed was the dreadful wail of the heart monitor.
There was only one thing he could do, and that was the last thing he wanted to do. He had to go and tell Duo what had happened. He had to go and comfort Duo right now.
Duo stood the instant Wufei entered the room, his entire body visibly tensed to the point that he was shaking. His eyes were wide and frightened and tired. Wufei felt sick. Seeing him like this was going to make things a lot more difficult.
"Is she awake? Can I see her?" Hope was almost tangible in those words. Wufei looked down, wondering what to say. That's when he saw Duo's hands nervously fidgeting, rough enough to make blood visible in the bandages covering his fingers. That was what made Wufei move. He grabbed Duo's hands in his own, holding them still.
"Sit down," he commanded as he pulled Duo back onto his bed. Duo studied his face intently.
"What happened? Something happened." He looked wildly into Wufei's eyes, beginning to breathe rapidly. "Wufei?" He bit his lip and shook his head, not wanting to say anything and knowing he had to. Duo's eyes shone as he tried to pry the answer out of Wufei's face. Wufei opened his mouth to say something, but nothing would come. "Oh God! No!" Duo pulled his hands out of Wufei's and jumped off the bed. Before Wufei could grab him, he'd almost made it out the door.
"Calm down!" Wufei shouted over Duo's wild sobbing, tears streaming unchecked down his own face. Duo tugged at his arms, trying to get free.
"Let me see her! Wufei, please, let me go to her! Let me. . " his words cut off as he choked on them, and he eventually let his arms curl around himself and bowed his head against Wufei's chest. His shoulders convulsed in rapid, shuddering wails of torment. Wufei listened, trying to come up with something to say that would be comforting, but he found his throat too tight to make any sound. He felt his hold on the American loosen, and Duo sank to the floor, bowing his head all the way down.
"No," he whimpered. "It can't. . .she's not. . .no, God, please no." He pounded one fist on the tile, over and over, until small patches of blood streaked around the spot. Wufei backed into the closed door, sliding down it, eyes squeezed shut. He pulled his knees tightly to himself and then both boys sobbed for the life of the same girl.
"This setting sun,"
Wufei forced himself to gain control before Duo could move. He stood up, wiping tears from his face with his sleeve. Duo was still crying softly, his shoulderblades shuddering with less fierceness than before as his strength was failing him. His wails had also softened into mournful murmurs, completely unintelligible. He had stopped beating his fist against the floor, but his hand was a bloody, bruised mess laying in a claw over the blackened streaks.
It took several tries to get Duo to sit up at all. Fear and grief seemed to have robbed him of any physical strength he once possessed. He sagged against Wufei, breathing unevenly. It made Wufei want to shake him.
"Duo," he said instead. "Duo listen to me. She's alive." Duo's fingers tightened on his arms to the point of pain. He wondered if he were telling him the truth. But if she were dead, wouldn't someone have told them by now? "Did you hear me? We just have to wait."
"But what happened, Wufei?" His voice trembled slightly as he regained partial control of himself. "I thought she was going to be all right when I left her."
"It changed. She just left me."
"I don't understand how that could have happened. Did you say something to her? Did she move, was she in pain?" Wufei shook his head against the questions. Yes, Duo was right on the mark. It had been what Wufei had said that had done this to Hilde. But he couldn't say that to him. There was nothing for him to say that could help the situation.
"Try not to think about it too much, Duo," he soothed, helping his fellow pilot stand. "We can't do anything for her right now."
"I don't want to lose her, Wufei." Neither do I, Wufei thought as he looked at Duo's poor hand. Not again. He pulled Duo back over to the bed, looking at the clock as he did so. Eleven-thirty. It was turning out to be a long night.
"You should get some sleep, Duo."
"I don't think I can." Wufei could hear the worried tears starting in Duo's voice again. He squeezed his eyes shut, not allowing himself to join him in crying. He had to be the strong one, even though he wondered if he could feel any less so. He had to be strong, or risk losing his secret.
"She's so special, Wufei. Do you have any idea what I mean?" Wufei nodded in a vain attempt to get him to stop talking about it. Being trapped in a room with Duo was the last thing he wanted to be at the moment. "Her eyes, her laugh, her determination. You would have liked her Wufei. Why, the first time I met her she was reading a book in Chinese! She was using a sprig of lilac for the marker. She always has liked lilacs. In a lot of ways, you remind me of her. When you talk, sometimes, you sound exactly like her." Small wonder, Wufei thought as he bit his lip, she's the one that taught me to speak. "She never liked talking about what happened to her before she met me, but sometimes I knew she was thinking about it. Whatever it was, it must have been hard for her. She'd never cry in front of me, but once in a while, when she looked at that Chinese book of hers, I could tell --"
"Duo!" Wufei grabbed him in a hug so tight there was no way the American could talk anymore. "Don't talk about it. Don't think about it. It's not helping anything right now. Please, you really should try and sleep. Would you at least be still and try?" Duo struggled out of Wufei's arms so he could look him in the eye, trying to read what had brought on the outburst. Wufei was sure he had tears in his eyes, but let Duo read into them what he would. He no longer cared. He knew the book Duo was speaking of. He had given it to her. It was one of his favorites. He hadn't even known she had taken it with her when she went away. And the fact that she cried when she thought of him . . it was all too much.
"If I do," Duo was saying, not looking at him anymore but at the bedspread. "Will you stay awake in case something happens? I want to know what's going on, everything." Wufei nodded as he stood from the bed to allow Duo to stretch out.
"I promise. You know I'll tell you." Duo licked his lips, nodding convulsively and slowly, not knowing what he was doing because his thoughts were elsewhere. He turned on his side and obediently closed his eyes. Wufei turned to leave him alone so he could sleep.
"Wufei?" Came the frightened call the moment his hand turned the doorknob. He looked back over his shoulder to where Duo was already sitting up again, watching him with large child-like eyes. "Don't. . .don't leave me, ok? I really don't want to be alone."
"Duo . . ."
"Please?" Wufei looked once more at the freedom of the door, but was held back by the lonely fear in Duo's voice. He sighed, closing the door and trapping himself in once again. Duo did not lay down again until Wufei had positioned himself on the bed. Duo curled himself against Wufei's side as the Chinese pilot leaned back on the wall.
"I'm so afraid," he whispered, his eyes now squeezed shut. "I've never been so afraid." Wufei hesitantly put his arm around Duo, reminding himself that caring for others should always come before oneself.
"Go to sleep, Duo," he heard himself say in a voice much softer than he usually used. "I'm not going anywhere."
"And my arms ache from holding on."
Exhaustion superseded Duo's worry, and it wasn't long before his breathing became slow and rhythmic. Since he didn't want to wake him again, Wufei had no choice but to remain with his back against the wall and Duo curled against him on the bed. He listened to the soft murmurs Duo made in his sleep, and watched the slight spasm of the wounded hand that lay over the bedspread. He listened and watched and thought.
She had kept the book, taken it with her and kept it. He hadn't even noticed it gone until just now. It made him smile and ache. She had kept the marker too, that sprig of lilac he had tucked behind her ear that evening. It matched her eyes so well that he couldn't resist brushing her hair back and putting it there. And she had laughed, and left it where it was. Left it in the perfect position to give him a reason to pull her against him from behind and lean over her shoulder to smell it.
He stopped smiling as Duo whimpered in his sleep, clenching the hand tightly. Of all the people in space, why did she have to find him? Duo, with his charming smile and teasing manner. His love of chance and game, his passion, all made him so much different from Wufei. How could she have loved him so much only to leave him and fall in love with someone so completely opposite? And she had loved him, she had taken the book and the lilac. The memories of him were painful to her, as she was to him. Wasn't that love? To hurt when separated, to always want to be together to avoid that ache? Whatever it had been, there was no point in thinking of it now. Whatever it had been ended when she met Duo.
His throat burned unexpectedly, but he had had his fill of crying for the night. He was not going to do it again. His back hurt from leaning against the wall and supporting Duo against him, and somewhere along the time his arm had fallen asleep around Duo's shoulders. What was he doing here? He should be with Hilde, as he always should have been. He should have gone with her when she left his colony to fight. He should have paid more attention when she warned him that war was coming. What good will your books be then? That's what she had asked him. And she was right, of course. His books had been quite useless, except for one. The one that she had that kept his memory alive in her. He should have cared more, been more supportive, anything that would have kept them together. She didn't leave him, he had let her go when he shouldn't have. All of this was his fault. He should have stayed with her. . . .he should have. . . .
Stop it, Wufei, he thought fiercely. What good are any "should haves" now that everything is over and done? You've lost her forever. But what else could he think of while alone in the dark? Secrets burn when they have to be kept, and this was one secret that he did indeed have to keep. It might have killed Hilde to hear him again, and it would destroy any fond memories they might have had of each other if he were to enter into her life again. Come between her and Duo. No, he couldn't do that. He couldn't have her, but that didn't mean that he should deny Duo the honor. It wasn't his way. Better to let her go on loving someone else and keep her in his head, then to try and ruin things for all of them. Let them be happy at least.
"Let it go."
Under Wufei's hand, Duo's shoulders began to shake. His hand twitched in pain, and his breathing changed from sleepy to sobbing. Yet he didn't wake up. Wufei bit his lip, wondering why it was taking so long for them to be given any information. What had happened out there? Had they saved her? Certainly they must have, right? Duo moaned, beginning to shift uneasily against Wufei. He looked to the ceiling as if requesting assistance from some divine power stronger than himself.
"It's all right, Duo," he soothed softly, watching the door and willing someone with good news to come through it. He stilled Duo's writhing hand with one of his own, wishing Duo were awake enough for him to take care of it as it should be. "It's all a bad dream." He forced his numb arm to work, rubbing Duo's back comfortingly. "At least when you wake up, she'll still be yours. Don't you realize that? She's yours. She loves you now. She loves you." Duo curled tightly into himself, moving just enough for Wufei to get free of him without waking him up. Somehow saying the words out loud made his throat burn intensely. He found he couldn't say anything other than, "she loves you." Saying it out loud made it final. Saying it out loud made it true. Saying it out loud made it hurt.
In another moment Duo was quiet again, the episode passed. But Wufei was still fighting for control of himself. He watched Duo, then jumped from the bed. He couldn't stay in here anymore. He couldn't stay here with him and not know. It was time to end this night of waiting.
"This dying light"
Hilde's room was completely dark when he arrived, and it gripped his heart in panic to see it that way. Had they not been able to save her? Is that why she was alone? Was she even still in that room or had they taken her somewhere else? But if she had died wouldn't they have been told? Wouldn't someone have told them something? With shaking hands he turned the knob, took a deep breath, and entered to find the last person he thought would ever be in that room with her.
Trowa looked up from the bedside with solemn eyes. He nodded to Wufei without a word, indicating with his hand that Wufei should take the other chair on the opposite side. Why would Trowa be here with her? Why had no one come to tell them about her condition?
"She needs to be watched through the night," Trowa explained softly, his eyes returning to the girl on the bed. She looked better, slightly. She was still heavily bandaged, of course, but at least she was now breathing on her own. "If she makes it until tomorrow then she will be fine."
"Why was I not told of this? Why didn't they let Duo and I know?" Wufei felt cheated out of something. Here she was not dead, here they had saved her, and no one had deemed them worthy enough to even know what had happened though she was more important to them than to any other in the entire ship.
"Apparently what happened before was brought on by deep emotional stress that caused her to lose the will to live. We decided that she should be watched by a stranger and not one of you to ensure that it would not happen again."
"And they didn't tell us for fear of over reaction." Trowa nodded sagely.
"Precisely, but don't worry. I've been with her for quite some time and she seems to be recovering nicely." So it had been his fault after all. He had almost killed her, twice now. Once by letting her leave and now again by just being in the same room with her and making her remember the way things had been before the war. To be with her was death, but he couldn't help wanting to be with her just the same.
"Do you think," he ventured. "That it would be all right for me to stay here a while?"
"I'm not sure. We can try, but. . ."
"Yes, I understand that. Don't worry, I'll leave if I have to. Just let me stay with her a little while." Trowa didn't even appear puzzled to hear that from him. He only nodded and continued his search of Hilde's closed eyes.
Wufei watched her also, but kept his hands in his lap. He didn't want to risk another episode by touching her hand or face. It had been his fault, all his fault. Trowa knew it, they both knew it. The only person that didn't know it was Duo. Duo. Wufei sighed deeply causing Trowa to look up at him with a knowing stare. Oh yes, Trowa had noticed where Duo had not. Trowa knew the truth.
"Makes it hard to tell wrong from right,"
"Duo doesn't know," Trowa began in his soft and steady voice. "You haven't told him." Wufei started, but knew he shouldn't be surprised. He looked down at his hands, helpless in his lap.
"What can I tell him?" He asked sadly. "It won't do any good now. Everything is over. You heard her call his name. She's not mine anymore." Her eyelid twitched slightly, barely enough to gain either boy's attention. "I almost killed her."
"I don't know what happened between you, but I know what is between you now."
"So what am I supposed to do, Trowa? Explain to Duo that I loved her first and am going to take her back? What would that accomplish? I may still love her, but she doesn't feel the same way anymore. And what about him? If I were to take her back what would it do to him? You saw what he did to save her!" His outburst made Hilde moan softly. Trowa took her hand, making a comforting cooing noise.
"Calm down," he ordered. "I'm not saying you should take her back. You can't do anything about her feelings and she will love whom she loves. And I would give the same advice to Duo if he were here. It's her place to choose between you, but you aren't planning on giving her the chance of making the choice are you?"
"I wasn't planning on it, no. She made her choice when she left me, and I made mine when I just let her go. Besides, Duo needs her." Trowa's words were starting to make sense, and as much as Wufei wanted them to make sense he was still rebelling against them for some reason. He wanted her back, of course he wanted her back. So why wasn't he going to let her choose? He knew the answer before he had finished the question. He was going to stay out because of Duo. Everything would have been fine between them if he had never been there, and who was he to disrupt anything. It would be wrong for him to do that to them. And yet, as he watched her on the bed, he wondered about Trowa's advice. What if he did come back into her life? What if they did try again? He slowly reached out to put his hand over hers.
"Duo needs her," he repeated. "But I love her." Trowa remained wisely silent, watching the reaction. Wufei knew he was only trying to help, and yet he was only making Wufei more confused as to what he should do. Was Trowa right? Or was Wufei right before? He just didn't know.
"And it's never quite what it seems."
"I'm sorry, Wufei," Trowa murmured softly, watching Hilde with concern. Wufei looked up from her hand to her face, seeing that she had started crying again. He knew what that meant. He needed to leave, quickly. See, Wufei? He yelled at himself. Look what you do to her, just by being in the same room. How could you possibly even consider coming back into her life after what you've done to her?
"I don't know why she's doing this, Wufei, but it would be safer. . "
"I know," Wufei cut him off. "I understand. I'll just go tell Duo that she's almost out of danger." Trowa nodded, his eyes compassionate. He began comforting Hilde in soft tones, soothing her with the sound of his hypnotic voice. Wufei took one last look of her before hurrying out to the hall. She would be safer with Trowa than with him, and safer still with Duo. How could he possibly have thought any differently? The last thing he wanted was to cause her any pain, and that seemed to be the only thing he could do.
And yet, if she wanted nothing more to do with him why had she kept the book? Why did she keep it when it only made her cry to have it with her? Why would she do such a thing? Perhaps she cried when she heard his voice, even while unconscious, because she felt as guilty as he did. Maybe she thought she had abandoned him. Maybe he did have a chance! Maybe he should give her the choice over again, like Trowa had said. Perhaps he had been misreading her tears all the time. After all, hadn't she written out that they were friends on the coverlet? That had to be it! He decided that when she woke up he would be the first person she would see. He would smile and ask her how she was, and then ask to be forgiven. It would be so easy. He could have her back, the way they always should be. They could leave behind the war and go back to the lilac garden. His breathing came quick as he thought of it. How could he have been so stupid? Of course she still loved him! Why else would she have kept the lilac? Why else would she have traced his name and hers on the bed sheet? Why else would she have wanted to die rather than face him again if it hadn't been because she felt guilty? Wufei smiled. He'd had it all figured the wrong way after all. Trowa had been right. He stood still, repeating it over to himself. Reasoning the way he wanted everything to work out. And that is where Duo found him.
"All the shadows of our doubts,"
Any resolve Wufei might have had melted when he saw Duo leaning against the wall and making his way slowly to him. He held his hand close to his body, and his eyes were so tormented that Wufei immediately felt guilty for leaving him alone. He had left him when he needed him to be there. And he was going to take from him the most important thing in his life. He felt shame rise to his face.
"Any news?" Duo croaked. "You did find out something right?" There was no blame in his voice. No abandonment in his tone, even though Wufei had left him to himself. There was nothing except hope and fatigue.
"Trowa is with her," Wufei heard himself mutter. "He thinks she'll be fine if she makes it through the night." Duo winced at the last, but cheered up quickly.
"Can I see her? I just need to tell her something." He reached out for Wufei's aid, too tired and worried to move from the wall. Wufei's throat began to burn, but he came to Duo's side and helped him to the door of Hilde's room.
"Be quick," he told him. "I don't know what will happen if you go in there." That was true, he didn't know what Hilde's reaction to Duo would be. He only knew what happened when he was in the room. If he let Duo in to see her then he would have his answer. He would know if he should go ahead and come back to her, or if he should just leave everything alone and pretend that he had never seen her again.
Duo hesitated before entering, considering Hilde and Trowa, and then turning to look at Wufei. His eyes were questioning. "Go on," Wufei encouraged, nodding inside. "I'll wait for you out here." So Duo let him go and went inside. The door closed and Wufei was left alone in the shadows of the hallway.
"And the light that burns too bright soon burns out."
Wufei stood close to the door, listening carefully. He heard Trowa warn Duo that if Hilde worsened in his presence then he would have to leave. Duo agreed to this and the sound of a chair over tile let Wufei know that he had taken the other chair next to the bedside. He pictured the scene in his head. Trowa, sitting still and not looking anywhere except down. Duo, watching Hilde lovingly and sorrowfully.
"Oye, Hilde," Duo spoke to her, and Wufei knew he was holding her hand. "I never knew you were so strong. You sure are giving the Lybra a hard time." He paused for a half hearted laugh. "I know you never do anything I tell you to unless you want to, but could you do just one thing for me? Just one thing and I'll never mind that you don't pay attention ever again. But please, don't leave me alone. I need you to come back to me, Hilde. Without you, I have no one. Please, won't you open your eyes for me?"
Wufei choked, sliding down the wall and burying his face in his knees. He was the lowest form of humanity in space! How selfish he had been. How cruel. He had loved her too much and too hard. He should have known that nothing can ever be the same. Duo needed her. She knew that. That was why she had cried. She knew that she was needed elsewhere. There was nothing for him now. He couldn't take her away, not if it would leave Duo like that. He could have a past with her, but it would be Duo that would have her for the future. How could he not have realized this sooner? He might have saved himself this pain if he had known. He had loved her too much, and now he was losing her.
"And your face,"
"Hilde?" From inside came the sound of Duo laughing through tears. "Thank God! No, don't move just yet. Stay still. Oh, you have no idea how good it is to see your eyes again. Hey, baka, I said hold still now. Here if you need to sit up so badly, let me help you. What are you looking for?" Wufei couldn't hear her answer, it was too soft and muffled. So it had to be Duo to bring her back from where ever the injuries had sent her mind. She had come back to him, not Wufei. He wanted to run into the room, demand why from her innocent dark eyes, but he found he could not move from the floor. She had come back to Duo. She had opened her eyes for Duo. He could picture them together. Duo was sitting on the bed, holding her close to him, tears running into her hair. Her eyes were closed again, but in contentment this time. She was where she belonged. Wufei hugged himself so tightly that it hurt. She didn't belong to him. The sand garden was gone.
"You do know well that the race is lost."
He listened to Duo repeating "thank God" inside the room. He listened to him laugh and pictured them in his mind. He bit his lip to stop its trembling and squeezed shut his eyes to stop the tears. There was no sense in it. No sense in sorrow at all. Why, he should be happy that she had come back. He should be happy that she was all right. And he was, in a way. He was glad that she was all right. He was glad that she was out of danger. He was glad that she was happy, but it didn't prevent him from feeling sorry for himself. She hadn't come back for him. That hurt superseded any happiness he might have felt for them. She had come for Duo. The competition was over before it had even begun. Trowa had told him to give her a choice, but she had already made it. She had made it when she had left him. She had made it when his voice made her go flat line. She had made it when she had returned for Duo. He had lost her forever. The past was gone, and she was gone.
"Hilde, please, you've got to keep still. We almost lost you, you know. What are you trying to look at? What is it you want to find?" Wufei's ears pricked up. What was she looking for?
"I had thought. . " he heard her voice from far away. "I had thought there was someone else I knew here. I was sure of it." Wufei held his breath. Could she mean him?
"Hold still"
"Who, Hilde? It's just Trowa and I. Who else would you know?" Me, thought Wufei, smiling softly and sadly. She's talking about me. He heard Hilde hesitate in answering.
"I guess he wouldn't be here," she finally said. "I left him a long while ago. I have no idea where he is, but I thought he was here with me." I was, Wufei thought. I am, just call out and I'll be there in a moment!
"Don't think about it if it will make you cry, Hilde. Just rest and don't worry about it."
"But I have to worry about it. He seemed so sad to me." You have no idea, groaned Wufei in his head. "If he were here I'd want to tell him something." He paused. Should he go in to her or stay where he was? Should he let her think that he was only a part of unconscious thought? In the end, he didn't move. No need to start the pain over again, not with Duo there. No, Wufei, just hold still.
"'Cause the first shall be the last,"
"He loved me, he said as much." Duo had gone quiet now, allowing her to say what she would so long as she didn't move. "He was always there to help me. Every time I needed him, even now. If he were here I could tell him thank you for all that he's done. Tell him I'm sorry for leaving him, but I was needed elsewhere. I wanted for him to understand." I understand, thought Wufei. Duo needs you, and you need Duo. That's why you came back for him, because you needed each other. We both know that. "But he will always be my friend, no matter where he is." That's all I need to know, Wufei sighed. I loved you first, but he will love you last. We all have to take our places. He'd always love her, and she loved him too in her way, but the past was gone. They couldn't go back to it, but they could carry it with them in lilac sprigs and old books. He knew that she would be fine with Duo. She would be well and taken care of and loved. That was all he really needed. They were friends. They would always be friends. And in some ways, knowing that was better than knowing anything else. He smiled, wiping his face and standing. He could leave them alone now. Hilde would never need to know that he was indeed here. No need to start everything over again. It was better this way. They were better together. He was still smiling as he started down the hall to his own room, ready to get some sleep himself.
"Those that burn with thirst will lift their glass,"
"Wufei?" He turned around to find Duo closing Hilde's door. He bore him no jealousy anymore. He had what he needed. Everything was as it should be. "Thank you." Wufei nodded, finally at ease with the way things had turned out. She had come back for Duo, but she wanted to tell him that she was still his friend. He still had a friend, and that was important.
"Glad I could help," he said as he began his way down the hall again. He wanted to let them go back to how they were supposed to be. Duo should go back in to her now, help her get better. He would be fine on his own now that he knew the truth.
"Wufei?" He stopped again, looking over his shoulder to find Duo's eyes shining. Was he crying? He couldn't tell. "I don't know how, or when, but she wanted to tell you. ." Wufei's eyes went wide. Duo knew? Trowa! No, he would never have told. Duo had figured it out on his own. He walked over to the American, taking his shoulders, seeing the doubt in Duo's eyes.
"I already know, and she'll always have a friend, but that's all I'll ever be." Duo reached up to put his hands over Wufei's. Surely he would never have to fear of Hilde leaving him. Especially leaving him for Wufei.
"I didn't realize," he stuttered. "I never saw how much you loved her." Wufei shook his head, squeezing Duo's shoulder slightly.
"I may have loved her first, but you can love her better. Now go in to her and love her enough for both of us." Duo smiled gratefully and grabbed the doorknob. Wufei nodded once more and continued down the hall, feeling less lonely than he had in a very long time. It was better that they be together, and it was better that Duo knew the truth. They would all be stronger for this. And the words would forever be raked into the old sand garden. Hilde and Wufei. . . .friends.
"And it's never quite what it seems."
by: Karin-sama
shinigamis_wings@hotmail.com
Disclaimer: Any Gundam Wing characters, places, lines, situations do NOT belong to me. (though there were rumors. . .yeah right Karin-sama, just get on with the disclaimer, and be honest this time.) *ahem* as I was saying, they don't belong to me. The idea for this fic came from Jerr, who thought of the pairing and the circumstance, and I just kind of took it and used it for this fic. And the song is by Over the Rhine and I didn't write that either. (though the singer's name IS Karin. . .just like me!) Oh, my opinion that will show in the fic is only an opinion and nothing here is really canon in comparison to the real episode. . but Jerr thought it would be a good idea, and I agree with him. So just sit back and enjoy the fic!
"And your face"
The bang of a fist on alloy brought Wufei running from the cockpit of Peacemillion to the holding area. Duo had just returned, but had not joined the rest of the pilots. That meant something was wrong. He could be injured, or, judging from the pounding, trapped inside his cockpit. Either way, Wufei hurried to see what was going on.
When he got there, Duo was neither injured nor trapped but beating the locked door of the mysterious Taurus with heavy blows from both fists, shouting his frustration and effort with each one. The Taurus had some significance that Wufei was unaware of, but obviously it was important to Duo. Wufei stood shocked, watching as Duo ripped his pilot's gloves off and began tearing at the door with his fingers, breathing hysterically. He stood still, debating whether or not to say anything to him, or to help. What could possibly make Duo behave like this?
"Come on, come on!" Duo screamed, his fingers becoming slippery with blood as he cut himself on the partially open door. He collapsed against it, exhausted and almost crying. "Open, please open," he whimpered, his hands still pulling uselessly at the locked cockpit entrance. Just what was in there that he cared about so much? Who was the pilot that he felt the need to take the suit back with him? Wufei shook his head. He didn't know, but he couldn't let Duo carry on like this. It just wasn't natural.
"Duo!" He warned the boy of his presence before jumping in the low gravity area to join him by the door. Duo looked back quickly, a look of challenge crossing his features. When he saw who was there, his eyes softened. Wufei put his hand on Duo's shoulder, jerking his head toward the door. "Together." The braided boy wiped an arm across his eyes and nodded. Wufei found a strategic place along the seam of the door, a partially open spot due to Duo's kicking. "Ready? And pull!" The alloy shrieked in protest, but the hinge finally snapped. The entryway was clear, and it didn't take long for Duo to jump inside. Wufei remained where he was, looking down into the darkness, waiting for what would happen.
"Hilde? Easy, it's Duo. Hold still," came his voice from inside. Hilde? Wufei's eyes narrowed. Hilde. "That's it, don't move. Just let me. .Oh man, look at you. . . no, here, I've got you. . . .I'll take care of everything." Two heads emerged from the cockpit, and in Duo's arms, cradled gently, was Hilde. Her hair was cropped short, sticky with blood, and her eyes were closed, but Wufei would never forget her. Duo looked up from her to him questioningly and it was then that he realized he had gasped.
"I do know well."
"Wufei?" Duo's eyes searched him and he found himself pressed against the side of the Taurus, trying to remember how to breathe. It was her. There was no way he could be mistaken. "What's wrong?" Hilde tensed against the American, and his arms pulled her closer. "Don't move, Hilde. You'll be all right." His gaze went back to Wufei as he climbed clumsily out of the cockpit. "Wufei, what is it?"
"Let me take her," his voice sounded fuzzy in his ears so he licked his lips to calm himself. "Once you hit gravity, you might drop her." Duo licked his lips too, looking down at Hilde with a peculiar expression on his face. Wufei understood it, however. It was genuine affection, deep affection. Duo knew Hilde, and Duo loved Hilde. That was plain. He was very reluctant to give her up, his face telling that he wanted her near him, he wanted to take care of her. But so did Wufei. He breathed only because he was reminding himself that it was necessary, and his entire being was focused on the girl in Duo's arms. He wanted to take her, wanted her near him, wanted to look at her face and eyes and tell her what he hadn't told her the last time they'd been together.
"Please, Duo," he whispered, arms outstretched. "Let me take her." He gained a puzzled look for that statement, and no wonder. How would Duo know that Wufei's feelings toward the girl mirrored his own? Duo didn't know anything about that, but Wufei remembered. "You're more tired than you think," he finally muttered, hoping to make up for his strange outburst. Duo sighed, painfully, watching Hilde's still form with tender eyes.
"Whoever carries her, we'd better get her a doctor quick," he said softly, cradling her so carefully that Wufei's hand clenched. He knelt down, gently taking her from Duo's arms, not wanting her there any longer. He wanted her with him, where he could protect her and hold her. He sighed, shaking his head at the feeling. She was Duo's now, not his. He remembered every detail about her. Her deep, dark eyes, how light she felt when he lifted her. He remembered oh so clearly, but he doubted that she would.
"Come on, Duo," he swallowed once he heard the strain in his voice. "You both need some rest." Duo nodded worriedly, his eyes still locked on Hilde, and Wufei didn't blame him, but did despise him. There was something about Hilde that naturally drew attention, and once she had the attention there would be no forgetting her. That Wufei understood too well, and too late. It seemed that Duo had taken his place, if he ever had a place to begin with.
The gravity did indeed hit Duo with more force than even Wufei had predicted. In fact, he almost fell once they were out of the hanger, barely catching himself on the wall. He shook his head, violently, then scrubbed a hurried hand across his eyes. Wufei gave him sidelong looks, feeling guilty and selfish.
"Wufei! What happened?" Heero and Quatre were there now, running down the corridor to where Duo was still gaining his balance. Wufei shook his head.
"Just get a doctor," he said, nodding his head to the girl in his arms, who had her muscles clenched so tightly he knew she was in a lot of pain. "We'll discuss it later."
"Trowa's already on it," Quatre informed him, looking worriedly at both Hilde and Duo. "They should be here in a minute. Duo, you weren't hurt were you?" Duo was on his knees now, hand on the wall to steady himself, the blood from his damaged fingers leaving streaks.
"Just her," he panted, eyes barely open. "Just look after her." He really did care. He'd die for her, that was clear. Wufei bit his lip, but didn't have to say anything because the stretcher was here at last, Trowa leading the way.
"Duo," Hilde murmured feverishly as she was taken from Wufei's arms and laid carefully on the stretcher. The movement made her whimper in pain, struggling against the straps that secured her. "Duo!"
"It's all right, Hilde," Duo called from the floor, his eyes following her as they wheeled her down the hall. "Just hang on." He watched her anxiously until she was no longer in sight before turning to Heero. "She brought us this," he said coldly, holding out a computer disk. "She risked her life for this. I want you to take it and blow the Lybra to pieces." Heero gave him a curt nod, taking the disk and turning to leave. Quatre looked from Wufei to Duo, then pivoted to follow Heero and Trowa, leaving them alone in the hall. That was the last place that Wufei wanted to be. He wanted to be as far from Duo as possible. Duo, who had Hilde. Duo, who had what Wufei had always wanted.
But he couldn't just leave him there in the hall on his knees. He was tired, and hurting, and worried. There was more honor to Wufei than to abandon him now, so he took his arm and helped him up, leading him carefully down the hall to an empty room.
"Let me take care of your hands," he said as Duo sank into a chair. There was a medical kit in the room, of course, and Wufei took it down from the wall to see if it had everything he would need inside.
"Do you think she'll be all right?" Duo asked nervously, looking toward the door as if he were going to sprint out of it to see. Wufei buried his face in the medical kit, examining the peroxide and the wrapping tape.
"I really don't know, Duo." Nor did he want to think about it. He'd thought about it enough already. He'd thought about her all the time after she'd left. To have her suddenly there again was almost too much, and having her there only to lose her again would be completely unbearable.
"She's so stubborn," Duo sighed as Wufei sat down across from him, busying himself with cleaning Duo's hands so he wouldn't have to look into his face. That would make his thoughts too obvious. "I told her not to come." He paused to snicker softly. "But she always was a fighter." Wufei's stomach tightened. He knew that already. Duo winced as Wufei brushed a cut on his hand with more force than was really necessary.
"Sorry," he muttered. "You sure made a mess of yourself." He had hoped that would bring an end to Duo's chatter, but as the American had a natural tendency to talk, and to talk more when he was upset, it didn't bring an end to anything.
"She shouldn't have come, but I'm glad she did. Have you ever felt that way about someone, Wufei? You want to protect them from every horrible thing in the world, but you can't. Do you know what I mean?" Wufei bit his lip and tried not to choke on something hard that had tightened his throat.
"I think I might," he said softly, his voice so strained his could hardly hear it. Just hush, Duo, don't talk about it anymore. It's killing me to be in the same room with you. I don't want to have to bear you talking about her too. But Duo didn't know that, and Wufei was not about to tell him that before Hilde had loved him, Wufei had loved her.
"You just can't lock her in a room so she'll be safe," Duo continued as Wufei wrapped bandages around his fingers and hands. "But what am I talking about? It's not like she came for me, she came for the colonies." Wufei resisted the urge to knock Duo off his chair. Of course she had come for him! Hadn't he heard her whimper his name when they took her away? It had been him she was crying for, not the colonies, and certainly not for Wufei. "I wish I could tell her," he paused, looking at Wufei who was concentrating very hard on tying off a bandage. "Do you suppose she's awake? Do you think I could see her now? I never told her," again he paused, as if unable to say what he wanted to tell her.
"We. . .we could check," Wufei still found it impossible to look the other pilot in the face. It wasn't his fault. It wasn't anyone's fault. Just a nasty twist of events that did nothing but tease Wufei with images and memories, when he would be denied everything he had ever wanted of life. It just wasn't fair, and for that reason, he couldn't look in Duo's eyes.
"She's just so special, Wufei. You have no idea."
Really, Wufei thought. I have a better idea than you think.
"Every breath breathes farewell."
It took them a while, Duo moving more slowly than usual, but they eventually found the room where Hilde was being held. As soon as they entered Wufei felt a chill run through him, and heard Duo give a small cry.
She was so still, so completely still there was no way to tell that she wasn't dead. It was only the beeping of the heart monitor, slow and weak, that let them know she was still alive. Bandages covered her head and arms in resemblance to a burial shroud. Duo bit his bottom lip to keep it from trembling as he lowered himself gingerly into a chair, pulling it close to her bedside. She did not murmur his name this time, nor move at all when he took her hand. At spaced intervals there would come a whoosh of air from the respirator that forced her lungs to work. Seeing her like that, with Duo's bandaged fingers intwined with hers, so still and pale and small, made Wufei want to run. He wanted to run as far away from that room as possible, and forget that she was here at all, forget that he had ever seen her. But then he looked at Duo, and had to stand where he was. For Duo was in worse shape than he at the moment, and needed someone to help him.
"Look what they did to her," he breathed in a tear strained voice. His shoulders rose and fell rapidly to prevent him from breaking into sobs. "Is she going to make it, Wufei?" That was the one question he couldn't answer. He just couldn't. He didn't know, nor did he want to know. He found himself moving to the other side of the bed, and taking Hilde's other hand before he knew what he was doing. Her head turned slightly toward him, letting him know she had at least recognized the action. It made his heart twist, and a teardrop fell to Hilde's pale hand.
"Wufei?" Duo's voice came to him, but he couldn't look up now. Now that he had shown his weakness.
"Pray, Duo," he commanded, hoping his voice was more steady than his hands. "Just pray."
"It's so still"
Minutes ticked into hours, and neither Duo nor Wufei moved from Hilde's side. Wufei could feel Duo watching him, and could guess very well the expression on his face. He wanted to know why Wufei was still here with him. He wanted to know why Wufei was holding Hilde's hand. He wanted to know why Wufei was crying. He'd just have to keep wondering because there was no way Wufei could put into words what he was feeling right now. And even if he could, there would be no way he could tell Duo.
He looked up from Hilde's closed eyes once, only to see Duo staring at him exactly the way he had guessed he would. There was question there, and hurt too, and though Wufei wanted to look away he found that Duo had him trapped by that stare. Why are you still here, the eyes asked. What aren't you telling me?
"You should get some rest, Duo," he heard himself say just to banish the uncomfortable silence of their locked eyes. "You're going to need it." Duo raised an eyebrow, then broke his gaze to consider Hilde again.
"I don't want her to be alone," he murmured sleepily. "She shouldn't be alone."
"I'll stay with her." Duo's look was suspicious. Could he guess the reason that Wufei was volunteering for this? "Don't worry, I'll come get you if something happens." The other pilot's face softened into an exhausted expression. He stood slowly, using the chair for support.
"Thanks Wufei," he smiled. "You're a good friend." Wufei felt as if he'd been stabbed, but didn't respond as Duo made his way from the room. If he knew why Wufei had offered, he wouldn't think that.
Once he was gone, and Wufei could no longer hear his steps in the hallway, he leaned cautiously over Hilde to kiss her forehead as he'd been wanting to all evening. She winced at the touch, making a soft sound in her throat, but her eyes remained closed. He nodded to himself, then crossed the room to close the door, wishing there was a lock on it. Now he was alone with her. Now he could talk to her as he'd wanted to ever since he first met her. But he found he couldn't. He couldn't speak. He could only look at her, watch her, and think of how it would hurt Duo if he were to take her back to the way things had been.
"No soul could tell,"
He couldn't talk, but he could think, and he found himself remembering everything they had ever done together. Remembering how he'd met her, remembering how she had laughed. All the pilots had their respected secrets. . .pieces of past that they would never share with anyone as long as they lived. Heero's real name, the reason Duo kissed his cross before every battle, Trowa's silence, and Quatre's drive that kept him fighting. Well Wufei's secret was right here in front of him. Here was his driving force to continue the war. Odd that it would turn out to be the same as Duo's, someone he had never before had anything in common with. Ironic, and yet very sad.
He took Duo's chair, and took Hilde's hand, and just sat in quiet reverie. So this was why she had left the colony. She wanted to fight, and she knew he would never allow her to. He would have tried to do the same as Duo, tried to keep her locked away from the battle. He wished desperately that he had. Then she never would have ended up here. She never would have been injured, and she never would have met Duo.
Shaking his head slowly, he stroked a pattern on her hand with his thumb, the Chinese character for his name. He did it without thinking, as he'd done it before. Back when they spent their days racing each other through the lilac garden, and he'd traced their names in the sand every night before he raked it back into the original style. Once he realized what he was doing, he let his hand fall to his lap. This was dangerous for him, and he knew it. This could lead him to feel the way he had felt, and going through that again was not something he cared to experience. And yet. . . He stopped the thought as he saw Hilde's hand move slightly. Her pale finger stretched over the white sheet and traced his name out, slowly but unmistakably. She then went on to trace her own name directly below his, the way he had always done it in the sand. Did she remember? Was it a trick of her subconscious or did she truly remember him? She made a frustrated cooing sound in her throat, but murmuring was denied her due to the tube that forced her lungs to function. Yet he knew what she would have said. He knew she was trying to say his name. His name, not Duo's, his.
"That's right, Hilde," he bent low to whisper in her ear, smiling broadly. "I'm right here. You do remember me, don't you?" The slight pressure of her fingers on his hand told him that she did, indeed, remember. He breathed deeply, enjoying the feeling of being remembered. Though the memories weren't all good ones.
"But one day like this the angels fell,"
She had come with the survivors of the colony explosion. The very first one that had been destroyed by the Alliance as an example to the others. Wufei's colony was the closest to the one that had been destroyed, so the survivors were sent directly there. There were only nine, a family of five, a young couple and their infant son, and Hilde. He remembered them all, because they were all strange. It had been a German colony, and both families had been pale and blonde, with large, frightened blue eyes. Except for Hilde, the only dark haired one of the group, and her eyes were not frightened. Her eyes were full of rage, dark and hard. She carried her hands in fists, and from that moment caught Wufei's perfect attention.
That's why he had been the first to offer her any assistance she might need. She had glared at him at the beginning, not trusting him any more than she trusted the Alliance. She didn't speak to him, but every move she made demanded to know what he wanted with her. It took him a long time to even convince her to come with him to the shrine, that he wanted to help her. It was an odd persuasion as he found very early that she didn't speak Chinese, and he didn't speak German. They both, however, had been required to learn English, at least in part, because everyone on the earth spoke it.
"Need place to stay?" He had asked in his faltering, broken phrasing and terrible accent. He wished he'd paid more attention to his studies. It never seemed important before. He'd never be going to Earth anyway.
"Ja," her eyes narrowed and she hunched over as if she were going to fight him. He put his hands up and took a step back.
"Come." He gestured for her to follow, then proceeded slowly, stopping every few steps to make sure she was still there. She always was, but looking about herself suspiciously.
"They took my home," she said softly once they stood side by side before Wufei's small dwelling near the shrine where he served the priests. "How long before yours follows?" He had an impulse to hug her, but suppressed it. He didn't even know her after all, but he was impressed at her English skills.
"It safe here," he assured her, bringing her into his place. There was only one bedroom, and he had already decided that she would have it to herself. "You stay, and be safe." With more awkward sentences on his part he left her to herself as he went out to rake the sand into pattern as he did every evening. It was his duty, and she needed some time to herself, so he went even though he'd rather have stayed.
The garden was near, and he took his rake with familiarity to begin. As he worked he tried to review every English lesson he'd ever taken, wishing again and again that he'd memorized the grammar more completely. He finished the sand waves around the large rocks, then moved on to the harmony garden. Engrossed in making the characters for harmony, peace, and happiness, he did not even hear her come up to the side until she spoke.
"Very nice work," she said, startling him almost enough to drop his rake. "What does it mean?" She stood with her arms crossed, intently examining the marks in the sand.
"This mean peace," he pointed with the rake. "And this mean -"
"How can you tell?" She was almost smiling. "It is hard to see." That was all Wufei needed.
"Then come. I show you." He offered her his hand, and she timidly joined him, blushing about making footprints in his sand. He waved off her concern. "I just rake again," he soothed once she reached his side. "Now look." He traced the word again, pointing out to her all the things that made it particular. It made her laugh, a most wonderful sound.
"And your name?" He smiled, sketching his name into the sand.
"Wufei," he read. "And you?"
"Hilde." He nodded, raking hers under his, and reading it as he did so. Then he went on to make one extra character, smiling all the while.
"Now what's that?" Hilde pointed, squinting as if that would help her distinguish the meaning.
"Friend." They exchanged a smile, sweet and soft.
"Thank you, Wufei."
She spent that night, and many nights afterward, in his home. They learned much from each other during that time. He taught her how to read Chinese and she taught him how to speak English more clearly. He taught her everything about the garden, the lilac bushes and the rocks and the sand, and she taught him the most useful skill he'd ever used. She taught him how to fight.
"Just wait, Wufei," she would pant after a lesson. "There's going to be a war, and we have to be ready for it. Don't ever forget that. Now again!"
"You say that, but how do you know?" He'd ask as he dodged a kick. He'd rather study than this kind of nonsense, but if it was for her then he'd do anything. She glared, attacking more rapidly. "I mean," he half pretended to fight back. "There hasn't been any more attacks since. . ." a ferocious punch brought his statement short. They both knew the first and the last had been her own colony, and he should have known better than to bring it up in the first place.
"It will happen," she warned. "They took my home, but what they want is everything. We've got to be ready to fight so they won't take your home too. Your gardens won't mean anything then, will they? Or your books either."
So they trained together, hard, anticipating the day when war would come. They learned battle strategy in the morning, trained in the afternoon, and raked the sand in the evening. Everything together until Hilde's premonition came true.
Wufei was not at the shrine when the announcement finally came. He first heard it in the town square where he'd been running an errand. War, was the whisper on everyone's lips. War has broken out. The Alliance wants to take over the colonies! They have assassinated the president. It's going to get worse from here on out.
Although he hurried back to Hilde, she was not there when he arrived. He knew where she'd gone. She'd gone to fight. She'd gone for her vengeance. He could picture that rage in her dark eyes, like the day he'd first met her, and her hands clenched tightly in determination. He hadn't wanted her to go. He'd wanted to keep her with him, safe with him. But she'd left him. His angel had flown, but she did leave something behind. He found it that evening when he went out to rake the garden. She had already done it, but in the fashion of their first night.
Wufei . . .Hilde. . .friends, was the farewell message etched in the sand. Wufei clutched the rake tightly. She was gone, but he was going to follow her. War might bring darkness, but angels and stars always shine bright.
"And it's never quite what it seems."
"I'm so sorry, Hilde," Wufei whispered to her closed eyes. "I'm sorry I didn't believe you, and I'm sorry I lost you." Duo could never know about this, ever. What would it do to him to know? Duo had always been more emotional and verbal than Wufei. Could he handle it? Should Wufei even try to win her back? He just didn't know. On one hand he wanted to return to the past with her, but on the other, he didn't want to hurt Duo.
"Everything is confused now, eh, Hilde? I can't do anything right, either way, can I? But remember that I never wanted things to turn out this way for us. I only wanted you to be safe."
A tear slid past her closed eyelids, making him grip her hand slightly tighter. Hang on, Hilde, for Duo if for anyone. You don't have to like me anymore. You don't owe me anything, but you do owe something to Duo. So just hang on.
"It's all right, Hilde," he choked, using his thumb to banish the tear from her cheek. Her finger moved again to write his name on the sheet, over and over the same characters. He bit his lip, putting his other hand over hers to stop the convulsive movement. "Just hold still, Hilde. Don't worry about anything. Why, I won't even be here when you wake up. It will all be a bad dream." Another tear fell to the pillow, and then, quite unexpectedly, the soft beep of the heart monitor turned sharp and long. It had gone flat line, and it was then that Wufei realized that coming to her might have been the worst mistake of his life.
"And it bleeds,"
All at once, action was everywhere. A doctor flanked by nurses burst into the room before Wufei had really registered what was happening. A nurse tugged at his sleeve, pulling him away from Hilde and shoving him out the door to the hall.
"Hang on," he shouted, wanting to shove her right back in so he could see what was going on. "What's happening? What are they doing? Is she going to be all right?" The nurse shook her head, patting his shoulder in what she must have thought to be a comforting gesture.
"We'll see," she said in a soft voice. "We'll just have to be patient. She has lost quite a bit of blood, you realize. But we'll do all we can for her. You just find somewhere to wait, and do stay calm, won't you?" He wanted to scream at her for her matter of fact manner. Didn't she know what was going on? Didn't she realize what Hilde meant to him?
"Go on, now," she urged, giving him a slight push to get him started. "We'll let you know as soon as we know ourselves. Go, you'll just be in the way if you stay here." She made a shooing motion, then rushed back in the room, shutting the door firmly behind her. The last thing Wufei heard before it was fully closed was the dreadful wail of the heart monitor.
There was only one thing he could do, and that was the last thing he wanted to do. He had to go and tell Duo what had happened. He had to go and comfort Duo right now.
Duo stood the instant Wufei entered the room, his entire body visibly tensed to the point that he was shaking. His eyes were wide and frightened and tired. Wufei felt sick. Seeing him like this was going to make things a lot more difficult.
"Is she awake? Can I see her?" Hope was almost tangible in those words. Wufei looked down, wondering what to say. That's when he saw Duo's hands nervously fidgeting, rough enough to make blood visible in the bandages covering his fingers. That was what made Wufei move. He grabbed Duo's hands in his own, holding them still.
"Sit down," he commanded as he pulled Duo back onto his bed. Duo studied his face intently.
"What happened? Something happened." He looked wildly into Wufei's eyes, beginning to breathe rapidly. "Wufei?" He bit his lip and shook his head, not wanting to say anything and knowing he had to. Duo's eyes shone as he tried to pry the answer out of Wufei's face. Wufei opened his mouth to say something, but nothing would come. "Oh God! No!" Duo pulled his hands out of Wufei's and jumped off the bed. Before Wufei could grab him, he'd almost made it out the door.
"Calm down!" Wufei shouted over Duo's wild sobbing, tears streaming unchecked down his own face. Duo tugged at his arms, trying to get free.
"Let me see her! Wufei, please, let me go to her! Let me. . " his words cut off as he choked on them, and he eventually let his arms curl around himself and bowed his head against Wufei's chest. His shoulders convulsed in rapid, shuddering wails of torment. Wufei listened, trying to come up with something to say that would be comforting, but he found his throat too tight to make any sound. He felt his hold on the American loosen, and Duo sank to the floor, bowing his head all the way down.
"No," he whimpered. "It can't. . .she's not. . .no, God, please no." He pounded one fist on the tile, over and over, until small patches of blood streaked around the spot. Wufei backed into the closed door, sliding down it, eyes squeezed shut. He pulled his knees tightly to himself and then both boys sobbed for the life of the same girl.
"This setting sun,"
Wufei forced himself to gain control before Duo could move. He stood up, wiping tears from his face with his sleeve. Duo was still crying softly, his shoulderblades shuddering with less fierceness than before as his strength was failing him. His wails had also softened into mournful murmurs, completely unintelligible. He had stopped beating his fist against the floor, but his hand was a bloody, bruised mess laying in a claw over the blackened streaks.
It took several tries to get Duo to sit up at all. Fear and grief seemed to have robbed him of any physical strength he once possessed. He sagged against Wufei, breathing unevenly. It made Wufei want to shake him.
"Duo," he said instead. "Duo listen to me. She's alive." Duo's fingers tightened on his arms to the point of pain. He wondered if he were telling him the truth. But if she were dead, wouldn't someone have told them by now? "Did you hear me? We just have to wait."
"But what happened, Wufei?" His voice trembled slightly as he regained partial control of himself. "I thought she was going to be all right when I left her."
"It changed. She just left me."
"I don't understand how that could have happened. Did you say something to her? Did she move, was she in pain?" Wufei shook his head against the questions. Yes, Duo was right on the mark. It had been what Wufei had said that had done this to Hilde. But he couldn't say that to him. There was nothing for him to say that could help the situation.
"Try not to think about it too much, Duo," he soothed, helping his fellow pilot stand. "We can't do anything for her right now."
"I don't want to lose her, Wufei." Neither do I, Wufei thought as he looked at Duo's poor hand. Not again. He pulled Duo back over to the bed, looking at the clock as he did so. Eleven-thirty. It was turning out to be a long night.
"You should get some sleep, Duo."
"I don't think I can." Wufei could hear the worried tears starting in Duo's voice again. He squeezed his eyes shut, not allowing himself to join him in crying. He had to be the strong one, even though he wondered if he could feel any less so. He had to be strong, or risk losing his secret.
"She's so special, Wufei. Do you have any idea what I mean?" Wufei nodded in a vain attempt to get him to stop talking about it. Being trapped in a room with Duo was the last thing he wanted to be at the moment. "Her eyes, her laugh, her determination. You would have liked her Wufei. Why, the first time I met her she was reading a book in Chinese! She was using a sprig of lilac for the marker. She always has liked lilacs. In a lot of ways, you remind me of her. When you talk, sometimes, you sound exactly like her." Small wonder, Wufei thought as he bit his lip, she's the one that taught me to speak. "She never liked talking about what happened to her before she met me, but sometimes I knew she was thinking about it. Whatever it was, it must have been hard for her. She'd never cry in front of me, but once in a while, when she looked at that Chinese book of hers, I could tell --"
"Duo!" Wufei grabbed him in a hug so tight there was no way the American could talk anymore. "Don't talk about it. Don't think about it. It's not helping anything right now. Please, you really should try and sleep. Would you at least be still and try?" Duo struggled out of Wufei's arms so he could look him in the eye, trying to read what had brought on the outburst. Wufei was sure he had tears in his eyes, but let Duo read into them what he would. He no longer cared. He knew the book Duo was speaking of. He had given it to her. It was one of his favorites. He hadn't even known she had taken it with her when she went away. And the fact that she cried when she thought of him . . it was all too much.
"If I do," Duo was saying, not looking at him anymore but at the bedspread. "Will you stay awake in case something happens? I want to know what's going on, everything." Wufei nodded as he stood from the bed to allow Duo to stretch out.
"I promise. You know I'll tell you." Duo licked his lips, nodding convulsively and slowly, not knowing what he was doing because his thoughts were elsewhere. He turned on his side and obediently closed his eyes. Wufei turned to leave him alone so he could sleep.
"Wufei?" Came the frightened call the moment his hand turned the doorknob. He looked back over his shoulder to where Duo was already sitting up again, watching him with large child-like eyes. "Don't. . .don't leave me, ok? I really don't want to be alone."
"Duo . . ."
"Please?" Wufei looked once more at the freedom of the door, but was held back by the lonely fear in Duo's voice. He sighed, closing the door and trapping himself in once again. Duo did not lay down again until Wufei had positioned himself on the bed. Duo curled himself against Wufei's side as the Chinese pilot leaned back on the wall.
"I'm so afraid," he whispered, his eyes now squeezed shut. "I've never been so afraid." Wufei hesitantly put his arm around Duo, reminding himself that caring for others should always come before oneself.
"Go to sleep, Duo," he heard himself say in a voice much softer than he usually used. "I'm not going anywhere."
"And my arms ache from holding on."
Exhaustion superseded Duo's worry, and it wasn't long before his breathing became slow and rhythmic. Since he didn't want to wake him again, Wufei had no choice but to remain with his back against the wall and Duo curled against him on the bed. He listened to the soft murmurs Duo made in his sleep, and watched the slight spasm of the wounded hand that lay over the bedspread. He listened and watched and thought.
She had kept the book, taken it with her and kept it. He hadn't even noticed it gone until just now. It made him smile and ache. She had kept the marker too, that sprig of lilac he had tucked behind her ear that evening. It matched her eyes so well that he couldn't resist brushing her hair back and putting it there. And she had laughed, and left it where it was. Left it in the perfect position to give him a reason to pull her against him from behind and lean over her shoulder to smell it.
He stopped smiling as Duo whimpered in his sleep, clenching the hand tightly. Of all the people in space, why did she have to find him? Duo, with his charming smile and teasing manner. His love of chance and game, his passion, all made him so much different from Wufei. How could she have loved him so much only to leave him and fall in love with someone so completely opposite? And she had loved him, she had taken the book and the lilac. The memories of him were painful to her, as she was to him. Wasn't that love? To hurt when separated, to always want to be together to avoid that ache? Whatever it had been, there was no point in thinking of it now. Whatever it had been ended when she met Duo.
His throat burned unexpectedly, but he had had his fill of crying for the night. He was not going to do it again. His back hurt from leaning against the wall and supporting Duo against him, and somewhere along the time his arm had fallen asleep around Duo's shoulders. What was he doing here? He should be with Hilde, as he always should have been. He should have gone with her when she left his colony to fight. He should have paid more attention when she warned him that war was coming. What good will your books be then? That's what she had asked him. And she was right, of course. His books had been quite useless, except for one. The one that she had that kept his memory alive in her. He should have cared more, been more supportive, anything that would have kept them together. She didn't leave him, he had let her go when he shouldn't have. All of this was his fault. He should have stayed with her. . . .he should have. . . .
Stop it, Wufei, he thought fiercely. What good are any "should haves" now that everything is over and done? You've lost her forever. But what else could he think of while alone in the dark? Secrets burn when they have to be kept, and this was one secret that he did indeed have to keep. It might have killed Hilde to hear him again, and it would destroy any fond memories they might have had of each other if he were to enter into her life again. Come between her and Duo. No, he couldn't do that. He couldn't have her, but that didn't mean that he should deny Duo the honor. It wasn't his way. Better to let her go on loving someone else and keep her in his head, then to try and ruin things for all of them. Let them be happy at least.
"Let it go."
Under Wufei's hand, Duo's shoulders began to shake. His hand twitched in pain, and his breathing changed from sleepy to sobbing. Yet he didn't wake up. Wufei bit his lip, wondering why it was taking so long for them to be given any information. What had happened out there? Had they saved her? Certainly they must have, right? Duo moaned, beginning to shift uneasily against Wufei. He looked to the ceiling as if requesting assistance from some divine power stronger than himself.
"It's all right, Duo," he soothed softly, watching the door and willing someone with good news to come through it. He stilled Duo's writhing hand with one of his own, wishing Duo were awake enough for him to take care of it as it should be. "It's all a bad dream." He forced his numb arm to work, rubbing Duo's back comfortingly. "At least when you wake up, she'll still be yours. Don't you realize that? She's yours. She loves you now. She loves you." Duo curled tightly into himself, moving just enough for Wufei to get free of him without waking him up. Somehow saying the words out loud made his throat burn intensely. He found he couldn't say anything other than, "she loves you." Saying it out loud made it final. Saying it out loud made it true. Saying it out loud made it hurt.
In another moment Duo was quiet again, the episode passed. But Wufei was still fighting for control of himself. He watched Duo, then jumped from the bed. He couldn't stay in here anymore. He couldn't stay here with him and not know. It was time to end this night of waiting.
"This dying light"
Hilde's room was completely dark when he arrived, and it gripped his heart in panic to see it that way. Had they not been able to save her? Is that why she was alone? Was she even still in that room or had they taken her somewhere else? But if she had died wouldn't they have been told? Wouldn't someone have told them something? With shaking hands he turned the knob, took a deep breath, and entered to find the last person he thought would ever be in that room with her.
Trowa looked up from the bedside with solemn eyes. He nodded to Wufei without a word, indicating with his hand that Wufei should take the other chair on the opposite side. Why would Trowa be here with her? Why had no one come to tell them about her condition?
"She needs to be watched through the night," Trowa explained softly, his eyes returning to the girl on the bed. She looked better, slightly. She was still heavily bandaged, of course, but at least she was now breathing on her own. "If she makes it until tomorrow then she will be fine."
"Why was I not told of this? Why didn't they let Duo and I know?" Wufei felt cheated out of something. Here she was not dead, here they had saved her, and no one had deemed them worthy enough to even know what had happened though she was more important to them than to any other in the entire ship.
"Apparently what happened before was brought on by deep emotional stress that caused her to lose the will to live. We decided that she should be watched by a stranger and not one of you to ensure that it would not happen again."
"And they didn't tell us for fear of over reaction." Trowa nodded sagely.
"Precisely, but don't worry. I've been with her for quite some time and she seems to be recovering nicely." So it had been his fault after all. He had almost killed her, twice now. Once by letting her leave and now again by just being in the same room with her and making her remember the way things had been before the war. To be with her was death, but he couldn't help wanting to be with her just the same.
"Do you think," he ventured. "That it would be all right for me to stay here a while?"
"I'm not sure. We can try, but. . ."
"Yes, I understand that. Don't worry, I'll leave if I have to. Just let me stay with her a little while." Trowa didn't even appear puzzled to hear that from him. He only nodded and continued his search of Hilde's closed eyes.
Wufei watched her also, but kept his hands in his lap. He didn't want to risk another episode by touching her hand or face. It had been his fault, all his fault. Trowa knew it, they both knew it. The only person that didn't know it was Duo. Duo. Wufei sighed deeply causing Trowa to look up at him with a knowing stare. Oh yes, Trowa had noticed where Duo had not. Trowa knew the truth.
"Makes it hard to tell wrong from right,"
"Duo doesn't know," Trowa began in his soft and steady voice. "You haven't told him." Wufei started, but knew he shouldn't be surprised. He looked down at his hands, helpless in his lap.
"What can I tell him?" He asked sadly. "It won't do any good now. Everything is over. You heard her call his name. She's not mine anymore." Her eyelid twitched slightly, barely enough to gain either boy's attention. "I almost killed her."
"I don't know what happened between you, but I know what is between you now."
"So what am I supposed to do, Trowa? Explain to Duo that I loved her first and am going to take her back? What would that accomplish? I may still love her, but she doesn't feel the same way anymore. And what about him? If I were to take her back what would it do to him? You saw what he did to save her!" His outburst made Hilde moan softly. Trowa took her hand, making a comforting cooing noise.
"Calm down," he ordered. "I'm not saying you should take her back. You can't do anything about her feelings and she will love whom she loves. And I would give the same advice to Duo if he were here. It's her place to choose between you, but you aren't planning on giving her the chance of making the choice are you?"
"I wasn't planning on it, no. She made her choice when she left me, and I made mine when I just let her go. Besides, Duo needs her." Trowa's words were starting to make sense, and as much as Wufei wanted them to make sense he was still rebelling against them for some reason. He wanted her back, of course he wanted her back. So why wasn't he going to let her choose? He knew the answer before he had finished the question. He was going to stay out because of Duo. Everything would have been fine between them if he had never been there, and who was he to disrupt anything. It would be wrong for him to do that to them. And yet, as he watched her on the bed, he wondered about Trowa's advice. What if he did come back into her life? What if they did try again? He slowly reached out to put his hand over hers.
"Duo needs her," he repeated. "But I love her." Trowa remained wisely silent, watching the reaction. Wufei knew he was only trying to help, and yet he was only making Wufei more confused as to what he should do. Was Trowa right? Or was Wufei right before? He just didn't know.
"And it's never quite what it seems."
"I'm sorry, Wufei," Trowa murmured softly, watching Hilde with concern. Wufei looked up from her hand to her face, seeing that she had started crying again. He knew what that meant. He needed to leave, quickly. See, Wufei? He yelled at himself. Look what you do to her, just by being in the same room. How could you possibly even consider coming back into her life after what you've done to her?
"I don't know why she's doing this, Wufei, but it would be safer. . "
"I know," Wufei cut him off. "I understand. I'll just go tell Duo that she's almost out of danger." Trowa nodded, his eyes compassionate. He began comforting Hilde in soft tones, soothing her with the sound of his hypnotic voice. Wufei took one last look of her before hurrying out to the hall. She would be safer with Trowa than with him, and safer still with Duo. How could he possibly have thought any differently? The last thing he wanted was to cause her any pain, and that seemed to be the only thing he could do.
And yet, if she wanted nothing more to do with him why had she kept the book? Why did she keep it when it only made her cry to have it with her? Why would she do such a thing? Perhaps she cried when she heard his voice, even while unconscious, because she felt as guilty as he did. Maybe she thought she had abandoned him. Maybe he did have a chance! Maybe he should give her the choice over again, like Trowa had said. Perhaps he had been misreading her tears all the time. After all, hadn't she written out that they were friends on the coverlet? That had to be it! He decided that when she woke up he would be the first person she would see. He would smile and ask her how she was, and then ask to be forgiven. It would be so easy. He could have her back, the way they always should be. They could leave behind the war and go back to the lilac garden. His breathing came quick as he thought of it. How could he have been so stupid? Of course she still loved him! Why else would she have kept the lilac? Why else would she have traced his name and hers on the bed sheet? Why else would she have wanted to die rather than face him again if it hadn't been because she felt guilty? Wufei smiled. He'd had it all figured the wrong way after all. Trowa had been right. He stood still, repeating it over to himself. Reasoning the way he wanted everything to work out. And that is where Duo found him.
"All the shadows of our doubts,"
Any resolve Wufei might have had melted when he saw Duo leaning against the wall and making his way slowly to him. He held his hand close to his body, and his eyes were so tormented that Wufei immediately felt guilty for leaving him alone. He had left him when he needed him to be there. And he was going to take from him the most important thing in his life. He felt shame rise to his face.
"Any news?" Duo croaked. "You did find out something right?" There was no blame in his voice. No abandonment in his tone, even though Wufei had left him to himself. There was nothing except hope and fatigue.
"Trowa is with her," Wufei heard himself mutter. "He thinks she'll be fine if she makes it through the night." Duo winced at the last, but cheered up quickly.
"Can I see her? I just need to tell her something." He reached out for Wufei's aid, too tired and worried to move from the wall. Wufei's throat began to burn, but he came to Duo's side and helped him to the door of Hilde's room.
"Be quick," he told him. "I don't know what will happen if you go in there." That was true, he didn't know what Hilde's reaction to Duo would be. He only knew what happened when he was in the room. If he let Duo in to see her then he would have his answer. He would know if he should go ahead and come back to her, or if he should just leave everything alone and pretend that he had never seen her again.
Duo hesitated before entering, considering Hilde and Trowa, and then turning to look at Wufei. His eyes were questioning. "Go on," Wufei encouraged, nodding inside. "I'll wait for you out here." So Duo let him go and went inside. The door closed and Wufei was left alone in the shadows of the hallway.
"And the light that burns too bright soon burns out."
Wufei stood close to the door, listening carefully. He heard Trowa warn Duo that if Hilde worsened in his presence then he would have to leave. Duo agreed to this and the sound of a chair over tile let Wufei know that he had taken the other chair next to the bedside. He pictured the scene in his head. Trowa, sitting still and not looking anywhere except down. Duo, watching Hilde lovingly and sorrowfully.
"Oye, Hilde," Duo spoke to her, and Wufei knew he was holding her hand. "I never knew you were so strong. You sure are giving the Lybra a hard time." He paused for a half hearted laugh. "I know you never do anything I tell you to unless you want to, but could you do just one thing for me? Just one thing and I'll never mind that you don't pay attention ever again. But please, don't leave me alone. I need you to come back to me, Hilde. Without you, I have no one. Please, won't you open your eyes for me?"
Wufei choked, sliding down the wall and burying his face in his knees. He was the lowest form of humanity in space! How selfish he had been. How cruel. He had loved her too much and too hard. He should have known that nothing can ever be the same. Duo needed her. She knew that. That was why she had cried. She knew that she was needed elsewhere. There was nothing for him now. He couldn't take her away, not if it would leave Duo like that. He could have a past with her, but it would be Duo that would have her for the future. How could he not have realized this sooner? He might have saved himself this pain if he had known. He had loved her too much, and now he was losing her.
"And your face,"
"Hilde?" From inside came the sound of Duo laughing through tears. "Thank God! No, don't move just yet. Stay still. Oh, you have no idea how good it is to see your eyes again. Hey, baka, I said hold still now. Here if you need to sit up so badly, let me help you. What are you looking for?" Wufei couldn't hear her answer, it was too soft and muffled. So it had to be Duo to bring her back from where ever the injuries had sent her mind. She had come back to him, not Wufei. He wanted to run into the room, demand why from her innocent dark eyes, but he found he could not move from the floor. She had come back to Duo. She had opened her eyes for Duo. He could picture them together. Duo was sitting on the bed, holding her close to him, tears running into her hair. Her eyes were closed again, but in contentment this time. She was where she belonged. Wufei hugged himself so tightly that it hurt. She didn't belong to him. The sand garden was gone.
"You do know well that the race is lost."
He listened to Duo repeating "thank God" inside the room. He listened to him laugh and pictured them in his mind. He bit his lip to stop its trembling and squeezed shut his eyes to stop the tears. There was no sense in it. No sense in sorrow at all. Why, he should be happy that she had come back. He should be happy that she was all right. And he was, in a way. He was glad that she was all right. He was glad that she was out of danger. He was glad that she was happy, but it didn't prevent him from feeling sorry for himself. She hadn't come back for him. That hurt superseded any happiness he might have felt for them. She had come for Duo. The competition was over before it had even begun. Trowa had told him to give her a choice, but she had already made it. She had made it when she had left him. She had made it when his voice made her go flat line. She had made it when she had returned for Duo. He had lost her forever. The past was gone, and she was gone.
"Hilde, please, you've got to keep still. We almost lost you, you know. What are you trying to look at? What is it you want to find?" Wufei's ears pricked up. What was she looking for?
"I had thought. . " he heard her voice from far away. "I had thought there was someone else I knew here. I was sure of it." Wufei held his breath. Could she mean him?
"Hold still"
"Who, Hilde? It's just Trowa and I. Who else would you know?" Me, thought Wufei, smiling softly and sadly. She's talking about me. He heard Hilde hesitate in answering.
"I guess he wouldn't be here," she finally said. "I left him a long while ago. I have no idea where he is, but I thought he was here with me." I was, Wufei thought. I am, just call out and I'll be there in a moment!
"Don't think about it if it will make you cry, Hilde. Just rest and don't worry about it."
"But I have to worry about it. He seemed so sad to me." You have no idea, groaned Wufei in his head. "If he were here I'd want to tell him something." He paused. Should he go in to her or stay where he was? Should he let her think that he was only a part of unconscious thought? In the end, he didn't move. No need to start the pain over again, not with Duo there. No, Wufei, just hold still.
"'Cause the first shall be the last,"
"He loved me, he said as much." Duo had gone quiet now, allowing her to say what she would so long as she didn't move. "He was always there to help me. Every time I needed him, even now. If he were here I could tell him thank you for all that he's done. Tell him I'm sorry for leaving him, but I was needed elsewhere. I wanted for him to understand." I understand, thought Wufei. Duo needs you, and you need Duo. That's why you came back for him, because you needed each other. We both know that. "But he will always be my friend, no matter where he is." That's all I need to know, Wufei sighed. I loved you first, but he will love you last. We all have to take our places. He'd always love her, and she loved him too in her way, but the past was gone. They couldn't go back to it, but they could carry it with them in lilac sprigs and old books. He knew that she would be fine with Duo. She would be well and taken care of and loved. That was all he really needed. They were friends. They would always be friends. And in some ways, knowing that was better than knowing anything else. He smiled, wiping his face and standing. He could leave them alone now. Hilde would never need to know that he was indeed here. No need to start everything over again. It was better this way. They were better together. He was still smiling as he started down the hall to his own room, ready to get some sleep himself.
"Those that burn with thirst will lift their glass,"
"Wufei?" He turned around to find Duo closing Hilde's door. He bore him no jealousy anymore. He had what he needed. Everything was as it should be. "Thank you." Wufei nodded, finally at ease with the way things had turned out. She had come back for Duo, but she wanted to tell him that she was still his friend. He still had a friend, and that was important.
"Glad I could help," he said as he began his way down the hall again. He wanted to let them go back to how they were supposed to be. Duo should go back in to her now, help her get better. He would be fine on his own now that he knew the truth.
"Wufei?" He stopped again, looking over his shoulder to find Duo's eyes shining. Was he crying? He couldn't tell. "I don't know how, or when, but she wanted to tell you. ." Wufei's eyes went wide. Duo knew? Trowa! No, he would never have told. Duo had figured it out on his own. He walked over to the American, taking his shoulders, seeing the doubt in Duo's eyes.
"I already know, and she'll always have a friend, but that's all I'll ever be." Duo reached up to put his hands over Wufei's. Surely he would never have to fear of Hilde leaving him. Especially leaving him for Wufei.
"I didn't realize," he stuttered. "I never saw how much you loved her." Wufei shook his head, squeezing Duo's shoulder slightly.
"I may have loved her first, but you can love her better. Now go in to her and love her enough for both of us." Duo smiled gratefully and grabbed the doorknob. Wufei nodded once more and continued down the hall, feeling less lonely than he had in a very long time. It was better that they be together, and it was better that Duo knew the truth. They would all be stronger for this. And the words would forever be raked into the old sand garden. Hilde and Wufei. . . .friends.
"And it's never quite what it seems."