I slept well last night.
It wasn't like I wasn't going to. I mean, even though she was still out when I finally dozed off. I didn't have any trouble sleeping.
So why am I lying here wondering if she's in her room this morning?
I need a good, stiff drink. But I can't have anything because of all the medication I'm on. I'm not even supposed to be smoking but that's just too much. I keep expecting smoke to seep through the gauze that's still tightly wrapped around me. Like between the stitches or something.
I wonder if she crept in after I fell asleep and she's in her room right now. Like, he made some crummy pass at her and she wasn't having it and decked him. That would be like Faye. Or would it be more like Faye to sleep with the guy cause he's got enough money to take care of that nasty little debt of hers? I don't know.
Let's think about something else, shall we?
She's probably sleeping with a smile on her face in that bed of hers dreaming about how jealous I was yesterday. And to be quite honest, I'd have done the same thing. I don't know what was wrong with me yesterday. I wasn't thinking.
Okay, this whole admission of her attraction to me is disturbing. Like, I think about it a lot. I wouldn't have had the balls to admit something like that to someone like me. That would be just asking for it. I sort of admire her for that. But at the same time I'm astonished at her stupidity.
She's cute. She's smart when she wants to be. But she's just too goddamned sentimental. She's probably just never had a proper relationship with a man before. And I happened to be there. She could have fallen for anyone if they had been in my place. I'm sure of it.
She's cute.
You know what really ticked me off most about yesterday? I mean besides the unfounded jealousy? All I kept thinking last night after she had left for her date with Mr. Calhoun was that she didn't belong with him. She didn't belong to him.
She belongs to us.
She belongs to me.
And I wasn't sure where the hell that had come from either. But I had this gnawing feeling in my stomach that if she was attracted to me she couldn't be attracted to anyone else. Crazy, huh? Like, what is my problem?
God's punishing me again. I'm starting to believe in him. Too much crazy crap has happened to me over the past few years. God and his wicked sense of humour are fucking with me. Like, really. Vicious, Julia. The dog, the kid. Shit.
God's probably a crazy broad in suspenders and hot pants.