Dearest readers, this story is a little strange starting from no exact
point in the future. It starts out, well as you shall see and as I said,
strangely. There is a reason for what I call her, and what she calls
herself as you will understand later. There is also a reason for the way I
wrote her nightmare, there is no real need for you to think upon that, only
it's content as it will be important in the future. Now I must ask that
you bare with me, if I post anything I write, which is rare, it has been a
one time thing so starting a series is, and actually posting the first part
obligating me to continue, is an even rarer thing but as I implied,
patience will be needed as I tend to over work my work and with everything
else I'm doing in my life the chapters will not be quick. This week is my
Spring Break so I hope to get all my thoughts out in rough draft from
therefore speeding up the finishing of chapters. Anyhow, I hope you enjoy
my fic though I will warn you, how dark it will become or how light I don't
know, but I tend to write more towards the dark.
~theDragonStar~
PS: I will occasionally put some lines from a poem or song at the end, and other times the beginning. They sometimes will have a meaning which you'll see related to the fic, but more likely simply no meaning at all, just me sharing something that caught my eye, or ear as the case may be.
PPS: See Ani, I do know how to share!
~Blood Rose~
Her lips were red, her looks were free,
Her locks were yellow as gold:
Her skin was as white as leprosy,
The Nightmare Life-in-Death was she,
Who thicks man's blood with cold.
(from:Coleridge, Samuel Taylor: The Rime of the Ancient Mariner)
Prologue:
A gentle breeze crept through an open window
Soft white draperies rippled upon the air
A crystal chime's music played in silence
Smell of open sea had long ago seeped in
Bed dressed in white stood strong by a wall
Posts like twisted spears at each corner
Yards of lace fell down between
All was white with delicate care
And all was red with deep blood
It dripped down the walls
Soaked deep into the bed
1 Trickled in streams on hard-wood floors
Settled in pool around a lonely figure
Child pale as pearls, hair of flaming color
Alone she stood still clad in cloud's silver
Not once her lips moved nor eyes fluttered
White rose held out dipped in red
The lost echo of a cry penetrated from her slim body
It was the mournful call of a ghost
A ghost far from being dead
Antoinette sat up in her bed reaching out for air. Her chest heaved in effort, she could fell her heart pounding, and upon her checks there was a multitude of tears.
In her minds eye she could still see the blood which seemed to come forth out of the very walls, she could feel a chill wind upon her, smell the salt air mixed with the smell of death. She knew that scene far to well, she knew how it began and how it ended. She knew it far to well for it to be a simple nightmare.
"Skye, honey what's wrong?" Her partner asked beside her. She closed her eyes as if to blot him out. "Skye, talk to me, what is it?" "Nothing Jax, just a nightmare, go back to sleep."
Unfortunately, he would not just let the matter be.
"Skye, come on, I know it's more than a simply nightmare. You haven't been sleeping right for weeks."
That was true enough, sleep had not been with in her grasp for the past few weeks but that was not unusual, at least for her.
"It's just stress, happens all the time when I'm trying to do too much at once, I'll be fine, go to sleep."
He knew she was telling a lie, that in all reality she'd been having a less stressful time of late, or should have been if not for her sleepless nights, but something in her tone when she spoke the last few words bore a warning not to push and a plead to let it be. So he did.
And regretted it later.
Dearest readers, again this is short, but most likely they we all be more short then comparatively long, but at least you're getting something so don't complain G.
~theDragonStar~
~Blood Rose~
I left those shadows right there right then,
And I turned around to start again,
Yet every time I visit this place
The reflections are there, not to be replaced
(From Saffer, Daniel R.: Reflections)
Chapter 1:
Dressed in an airy white skirt with a red rose print and a matching red tank top Antoinette stared at her reflection in the full-length mirror. She touched one of the roses on her skirt and closed her eyes. She could see a black vase in her mind, full of red roses, almost. One rose was different, different only in color, for it was white. As she imagined the arrangement to every detail it changed; the water was no longer clear but became red. The roses absorbed the colored liquid, which rose up the long steams and impossibly poured fourth from the petals. The one white rose quickly became no longer white, but red.
Red with blood.
"Skye? You ready?"
Antoinette jumped at the sound hastily shaking the image from her mind. "I'll be right down!"
With a final look at her haunted reflection, Antoinette headed down the stairs of the townhouse she shared with Jax.
Jax looked up hearing her on the stairs and smiled as she appeared. His smile faltered slightly. She's so pale, Jax thought to himself as he watched Skye near the bottom step. Suddenly Skye gave a slight cry grabbing the banister with one hand as if to prevent a fall.
Jax leaped to her side lifting her up in his arms before she could protest.
"Put me down," she requested softly as she headed towards the couch. Jax looked down at her, her eyes begged him to follow her request but he didn't. Instead he continued to the couch laying her down on its cushions.
She immediately moved to stand up but he pulled her back down.
"Jax what are we doing, we have to go."
"You almost collapsed and you want to just go like nothing happened?"
"Nothing did happen, so a slightly painful cramp took me by surprise, I think I'll survive," she did her best to sound sarcastic.
Jax looked down at Skye knowing that she wouldn't admit to it being anything but nothing and that she would continue to the 4th of July picnic with or with out him. She'd been increasingly stubborn as of late as well as closed off. He could either walk into a fight with her only to find him bared by more walls in the end or let it go and have the chance to remain close to her. After what had just happened no matter how minor a happening it was claimed to be, he was not about to leave her side. Things often were not as they seemed with Skye. It was good that he had learned this about her.
Very good, so it proved.
~Blood Rose~
Two years gone, except for moments
in the rain. Moments of days or
weekends or even weeks, but still
only moments. Always ending.
Always holding their breath,
waiting for the certain end.
Now you are here.
(From Mohanray, M.A.: With Ocean Waiting Below)
Chapter 2:
Antoinette stood at the bow of the small speedboat as it rushed towards Spoon Island. Today was meant to be full of socializing, eating, and at night fireworks were to be set off from a launch in the water. She hoped to make it through the day, she felt she could collapse at any passing moment if her will didn't hold out.
Selfish.
That would be the word her mother would have called her for hiding away the pain but she didn't see how that could be called selfish. She hide what she hide because she didn't want to cause anyone worry, to burden them with her problems.
A slight pain spread from her lower abdomen and she leaned over slightly, bracing herself with a hand on the railing. Today was not starting out a good day.
She felt a presence behind her so she straightened, willing the pain to leave her.
"You alright?" Jax whispered in her ear.
"Mmhm," she sighed leaning into him.
She had once told him she felt safe with him and she did. No matter what was going on Antoinette knew she could always count on his calming force. She was thankful for that but at the same time guilt plagued her for it, she knew that she was hurting him, he knew she wasn't being honest with him lately. She wished she could tell him it was for his own protection, not letting him in, but that was like asking for a disaster.
Closing her eyes Antoinette breathed in deep, taking in the smell of the salty air. She had a great love for the sea, or rather used to. Now the sea air always bore something more, a presence of hatred, and fear.
A shiver spread from the back of her neck spreading down her spine. "Not today, please not today," she whispered to herself, too softly for her partner to hear.
Antoinette did not want to think of the past but at the same time recognized she wasn't allowing herself to forget wearing what she wore, being where she was.
As Spoon Island loomed closer, Antoinette took a deep breath placing a smile on her pale face, becoming the image of happiness, hoping her recent haunts weren't revealed in her appearance.
But hoping doesn't make things so.
~Blood Rose~
Let us, the Children of the Night,
Put off the cloak that hides the scar!
Let us be Children of the Light,
And tell the ages what we are!
(From Robinson, Edwin Arlington: The Children Of The Night)
Chapter 3:
Antoinette was aware of her partner's steady arm about her. Part of her was annoyed that he was obviously concerned about her falling after the almost fall at the Townhouse, she felt like pulling away to prove a point. However, another part of her was grateful, and she didn't want to push him away, she liked having him close. Besides, it wasn't like he was being obvious, pestering her with constant questions of her well-being, he knew better. To any others his arm about her was nothing more than simple affection, it had become to be expected of the two to share a closeness. They were not obscene in displays but shared a comfort with being in each other's spheres that there was never a question of their intimacy. Those that had fought against their becoming a couple had come to respect their relationship even if they didn't like it, and all those that mattered were happy for the respective half.
As they rounded Windemere, they happened upon the gathering. It was a private affair but with a large guest list filled with Cassadines, Spencers, all Gia's associates and their families from Deception, important employees and their families from General Hospital, which included the Quartermaine's obviously, as well as many others with connections of some sort or simply invited because of their prestige in the community.
"Aunt Skye!" a happy voice cried out and Antoinette turned to see a very happy red head running towards her. Through some miracle AJ had gained part-custody of Michael allowing him to see his son regularly. Michael had been shy at first, as well as confused to suddenly having a whole new set of family members but had warmed up to them. He had bonded quickly with his father and new stepmother, Aunt Courtney, as well as his Aunt Skye. She had wondered if he had unconsciously picked up his father's preference for being around his redheaded sister unlike with the rest of the Quartermaines and had even mentioned it to AJ, but he voiced the belief his son was just smart and knew the best people to get close to.
Michael grabbed his Aunt's hand and dragged her along talking a mile a minute, "Come on Aunt Skye, everyone is waiting for you and Uncle Jax!" Antoinette smiled to herself as Michael tried to drag her along. Michael had decided to call Jax 'uncle' all on his own some time ago, or so she thought. Unbeknownst to her, Ned had surprisingly remarked in Michael's hearing that he might as well call Jax 'uncle' because he most likely would have to someday, not that he necessarily liked the thought nor would voice it in her or Jax's hearing in case he gave the two ideas. After hearing this, Michael had been doing exactly that, which to everyone else's amusement immensely annoyed Sonny.
As Michael pulled his aunt along chattering nonstop, he was hailed by another child. "Hey Michael come on! My mom's got sparklers!"
Michael looked after the waving child then back at his Aunt, he look absolutely innocently torn at what to do. He could either abandon his Aunt and play with sparklers, or continue to drag her along to where everyone else was.
"I think we can find our way, you go ahead and play," Antoinette smiled at him, shaking her head in amusement as he hugged her in relief and ran off to play.
"He's so full of life isn't he? He's been through more than he knows at such a young age but at least he's happy, and alive."
Jax looked at Skye as she watched a group of children run about with sparklers, not caring they were meant for when it was darker. There had been something in her voice when she'd commented he was alive, something he couldn't put his finger on. She seemed to carry a sadness as she watched the children play.
He wondered if it had anything to do with what she was hiding, and filed it away for later thought.
Many of you readers think that you have what Skye is hiding pegged, and I would hope so as I want you to have figured it out, or to at least think you have. There is much more going on than one simple thing. There will be many revelations, some foreseen, others a surprise, and perhaps those you may second-guess before it's over. I have so many thoughts going through my head for this fic I have a feeling even I will be surprised to how it all comes out.
~Blood Rose~
If I can ease one life the aching,
Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting robin
Unto his nest again,
I shall not live in vain.
(From Dickinson, Emily: If I can stop one heart from breaking,)
Chapter 4:
Antoinette found herself actually enjoying the gathering. She was sitting on a blanket leaning back against her partner's chest, head resting against the crook of his neck. Her eyes were kept closed as she took in the atmosphere about her.
To her left she could hear Kristina and Courtney talking happily with the occasional cynical comment from AJ followed by a grunt that she imagined was the result of Courtney elbowing him. To her right Alan and Monica were discussing something of little importance with Bobbie and another voice she believed to belong to Scott Baldwin, she didn't care to check. In front of her she knew Ned and Alexis were sitting from the fact that they were talking with Jax. She had been taking apart of the discussions about her earlier but now she choose to rest and listen to the voices with out really hearing at all.
"Aunt Skye? Are you sleeping?" a small voice whispered in her ear.
"Mm?" was all the response she seemed to be able to manage.
"Will you set off fireworks with me and Daddy when you wake up?"
"Mmhm," she nodded her head as she turned slightly to snuggle into her partner's broad chest that she noted worked remarkably well as a pillow.
"Alright, sleep tight Aunt Skye."
Drifting away into darkness Antoinette felt a soft kiss on her temple as she became no more aware of anything.
Michael stepped back from his sleeping Aunt, studying her with his innocent gaze. "Why isn't she any better?" he asked aloud, turning to look at his father.
An uncomfortable quiet settled upon all those around as they turned to look at Michael, then Skye. AJ studied his son, not for nothing Skye had accredited him with being an observant child. "What do you mean Michael? Skye's just fine," AJ told his son with a smile, but Michael shook his head in defiance. "Then why is she so tired? You said it yourself to Aunt Courtney when we were at the zoo and Aunt Skye had to sit down while we went into the reptile house. You said she looked like death warmed over."
AJ shifted uncomfortably. An observant child, observant and apparently blessed with a remarkable set of ears.
Seeing her husband's struggle for a response, Courtney put on a bright smile for the child's sake and spoke. "Your Dad was just being his usual pessimistic self. You know your Aunt Skye works hard running a company and sometimes she gets tired, that's all. Now why don't you go play, it'll be a while before its time for fireworks."
Michael nodded and turned to find some play but paused for a final question, "Aunt Courtney, what does pesiemisic mean?"
The tense silence that had appeared dissipated with some laughter and smiles.
"I'll explain it latter, now go play." The boy left and with no hesitation, the tense silence returned.
Jax watched Michael leave, running off happily, then looked down at Skye. So pale, so week and quite, it was almost like looking down upon a sleeping stranger.
Stealthily he moved wrapping an arm tight around her then kissed the top of her head. With out looking up at those around him he asked, "You've noticed." Though in all reality it really wasn't a question at all. He knew they had noticed a change in her wither they cared for Skye or not. Her recent paleness, quite manner, and never ceasing lack of energy was impossible not to notice. There was only one question to be answered. One.
They had all noticed but none knew how to answer the one question. Skye was no ordinary person; there were walls and complications in everything about her as well in the one question, especially in it.
What was there to be done about it?
~Blood Rose~
Down to the deepest depths I peered
Until I spied the Runes
With a roaring cry I seized them up
Then dizzy and fainting, I fell.
(From the The Poetic Edda: The Speech of the High One)
Chapter 5:
From afar anyone watching the group would think they were having a fine time engrossed in conversation, up a little closer you might have been obliged to notice from their faces it was possible a serious discussion, but if you were apart of the group you knew most defiantly the topic was serious as well as uncomfortable.
Using her cool rational logic Alexis thought it best to speak first after Jax's statement of noticing Skye's recent behavior and appearance. "Well, of course we've noticed. Anyone who knows Skye's normal self or even heard of her would note a recent change. I know that I felt, and I'm sure that the same could be said for those here except for perhaps Alan and AJ, it was not my place to say anything. Skye and I have become capable of an understanding and friendly conversation but I seriously doubt she'd appreciate me commenting on her of late."
"Alexis, get to the point. No. Allow me. You are all afraid she'll bite your head off, even though she'd probably be too tired to do so, if you say anything."
"That's not true. I'm not afraid of Skye, I just figured, well that if anyone should say anything it ought to be you and if you weren't maybe you knew something the rest of us didn't." AJ claimed indignantly.
"Oh that is such a load AJ. You might as well not lie, you're afraid of bringing Skye's wrath upon you just like everyone else." AJ glared over at his wife who glared back.
"Well AJ does have a point. Skye is closer to Jax than any of us," Alan said unsuccessfully hiding a hint to his tone of a wish to be closer with his daughter.
Jax laughed lightly, but with no amusement in it.
"You might as well admit none of you wanted to say anything because you know full well what her reaction would be. For those of you not close to her, you'd good a good earful and more distance would be put between a thought to friendship, and you certainly don't want Skye as you enemy. As for the others of us," Jax let out a defeated sigh, "we know she'd push away and add more walls. I've tried to approach the subject but she doesn't want me to. She's put up all these walls I'd thought were long gone between us."
"So knock them back down, you got to her once."
"You know it's not that simple AJ. Lately I've started wondering if there are more walls know then there ever was. I try to push a little and she pulls farther away. I'm afraid. Afraid for her if I don't push but afraid that if I do she'll pull so far back while pushing me away that I wont be there when she needs me. She almost fell today, on the stairs."
"And you didn't take her to the hospital?" Alan asked angrily.
"So you'd rather I do what? Drag her their by force and when we get there she claims to something than is no big deal and refuses to unnecessary tests. The only thing I would have succeeded in doing was making her furious. Is that what you want?"
"It's better than just doing nothing! Now don't get me wrong Skye is not my favorite person though I've actually begun to see her a little differently since she's been with you but this is ridiculous. You can't seriously just stand there and watch her go through whatever this is."
"You know Kristina for one supposedly so insightful into everyone I don't think you've yet to figure Skye out. Were you not listening to what I said? I am doing something! I'm restraining myself so I can be there; she knows I'm here if she'd just open up. The thing that confuses me the most she's knows what's wrong. If she was coming down with some sickness she didn't know about she might not like hospitals but she'd let me take her there. She knows though, she knows what's wrong and despite the physical symptoms I don't think it has anything to do with an illness and I don't think any of you do either. Something is bothering her that's causing stress, something that's making her wake up every night from nightmares or sometimes never even being able to fall asleep. There's something going on that's making her put up her walls and wont let me in or anyone else. Sometimes I just want to reach out and shake her, scream at her to tell me but that's most defiantly one of the worst ways to try and get through to her if she's trying to keep you out. Even if she let something slip in lashing out anger it would be only harder to get anything more out of her."
Jax had forgotten that the subject of his outbreak was sleeping against his chest as he'd let his voice rise. It was frustrating not knowing how to get through to the one you love, to watch them go through something you didn't understand and that had had it's own toll on Jax. Only when he felt a slight jerk against him did he once again realize where Skye was in relation to himself. Her entire body had gone tense; her mouth moved uttering a whisper he couldn't understand but knew was a cry against something.
"Skye? Skye honey wake up, come back to me," Jax moved her so was lying down him next to her. Those around exchanged worried glances while AJ hurried to Skye's other side.
"Skye wake up, come on its AJ."
But she didn't wake up and Jax knew she wouldn't. For some reason unknown to him it was impossible to wake Skye up from her nightmares. It was almost like she herself locked the door trapping her inside till the unseen door could no longer restrain her. He'd been beside her awake enough times to know that when Skye dreamed, her body becoming tense and the occasionally short movement was only the beginning.
Antoinette stood at the oceans shore, the water lapping over her feet. She was both apart of herself and at the same moment separate, seeing her own image standing barefoot upon the sand as one would see another. She was different some recess of her mind told her. Her hair was long, much longer than it should be, as well as curly instead of straight. Her face was younger, less worried and haunted.
She closed her eyes, smiling to herself. She loved the ocean, the smell of the salt air, the sounds of the waves breaking on the sand, the cries of the gulls flying overhead, the laughter. Laughter?
Antoinette opened her eyes and looked about her, in the distance she though she could see a figure dancing, calling to her, laughing. Gathering up her flowing white skirt she ran across the beach, ran towards the elusive figure.
'Don't go, please stay,' her mind called out, but it was no use.
Above her she was aware of the harmless gray hues of the sky deepening, becoming a dangerous black. She was aware of the wind picking up, racing about her in great gusts and wails. She was aware of the rain as it poured down upon, striking her skin, soaking her to the bone.
The rain was not all that fell.
Petals from red rose poured from the sky with the rain, blanketing the sand and sea alike. She was running on a carpet of rose petals, her breathing ragged, uneven, she kept running, running, running.
A bold cliff came up in front of her barring her way. She looked up it's rough face to the top where laughter was brought down by the wind. Not stopping to think she attacked the cliff face, climbing up it with bare hands and feet. Sharp rocks with jagged edges torn into her skin. Her own life-giving blood made the rock face slippery making progress harder but she kept going; she refused to stop.
When at last she pulled herself onto the top she found herself on a long flat covered with wild grasses. As she hurried through the tall grass she was aware of the blades slicing into her like blades. It did not occur to her that petals from above and blades of grass like knives could not exist, that nothing in which she was could exist, to her it was real.
Ever elusive, calling to her and full with laughter the figure ran, ran faster than she could ever hope to match.
She fell.
Not into the blades of grass did she fall but upon sand once again. Her chest heaving and heart racing Antoinette struggled to get up but she was sinking, sinking into the sand.
"What do you want from me?" she screamed out across the land and the laughter changed. No longer sweet and innocent the sound of a man's laughter, deep and unmerciful reached her ears. She knew that laugh.
Antoinette watched herself struggle out of the sand unto a bed of petals, she watched herself weeping pounded by drops of rain. But it was no longer rain, for rain was not red.
Lifting up her hands to her eyes she could see the blood she tried to wipe it off, to rid herself of it but the task seemed unbearable impossible.
In front of her a shadow loomed but she would not look up at it. She knew the face it bore, the horror of the glassy eyes. She willed herself to wake up, to be dragged far from this place, she pleaded to be gone, to suffer no more if just for now. She awoke.
Jax watched Skye twist and turn, there were tears on her cheeks. "Come on Skye, wake up!" he growled at her, willing her to come back to him. All around him no one knew what to say or do. They were in shock watching them twist in turn while nothing could break her from her horror.
They all jumped as they heard her scream, scream in a terror that shattered their hearts for her; it did not matter if they liked her, knew anything about her, or even possibly relate they knew that scream was a sound none should ever make awake or in dream.
She awoke.
Jumping back from her partner and brother, Antoinette pulled herself up, backing away from the circle of concern.
Someone was saying something to her, trying to sooth her but she couldn't piece it together, her mind was a mass of confusion, nothing made sense.
Slowly things became clearer, the figures in front of her focused, became recognizable. For a moment everything fell into place in her mind, full comprehension of everything that had just happened was with in her grasp, but only for a moment.
Antoinette swayed a little as a giant wave of dizziness came upon her, everything spun, everything went black.
~Blood Rose~
So if you keep a hiding place,
It's probably in your heart.
You will keep inside forever this space,
Of the darkness of wishing to start.
(From Hiding Places: Saffer, Daniel R)
Chapter 6:
When Jax had watched in seemingly slow motion Skye sway and collapse he'd been the first at her side, catching her before her head touched the ground. He'd lifted her up and gotten her to a speedboat joined by Alan and AJ while the others took to other boats so as not to crowd the space. AJ had taken the wheel while Alan called to make arrangements for an ambulance to meet them at the docks.
Not married to Skye, Jax was not allowed to come in the ambulance so he'd been forced to let go of her. Besides, Alan could do better for her in the ambulance, what could he do? He hated feeling helpless.
Now Jax paced back and forth in the waiting room. He vaguely acknowledged the fact that Alexis was speaking to him but what her words were he did not know. It wasn't until Alan walked up did he stop to concentrate on anything but his worry.
"How is she?" Jax asked at the same moment AJ inquired, "What's wrong?"
"She'll be fine, after a few blood transfusions, she's severely anemic but fine. Doctor Jenison's taken over, she thought it would be best since I'm close to Skye to let her take care of everything. But she's fine, a few days in the hospital, she'll be fine." He seemed unaware that he was being repetitive but regardless the information brought ease to all those presence. She was fine, just fine. At least that they knew.
Antoinette opened her heavy eyes to look about her. With a quick glance around it was not hard to deduce she was in a hospital. She hated hospitals; she'd found herself in them far too often. There was a distinct smell to hospitals, a mixture of medicines, ammonia, life, and to the familiar, death.
Antoinette did not need to wonder how she'd gotten there or what had happened; in fact she cared little about such questions. She only had one question, a question whose answer could have dramatic affects on what her next move in this life of hers would be.
"Ms. Chandler-Quartermaine?"
A tall brunette stepped in, a woman, a doctor, and a familiar face.
"Do they-" Antoinette began to ask with out formalities or care for anything else but an answer to her dire question. Did they know?
"No." The doctor was not happy to answer the unfinished question in a negative. She did not agree with her patient's wishes, but she was obliged to follow them.
Antoinette closed her eyes, relaxing in relief, listening to what else the other woman had to say.
"They would know if I had not been here knowing your wishes. It would be best if you told them now yourself." There was a wistful tone to her voice, if with little hope, she had come to know her patient well enough to know what the reply would be.
"They will not be told."
With a very heavy sigh the doctor sank into a chair along side the bed. "They need to know, it's only a matter of time. What do you plan on doing, disappearing so they never know?" The moment the words escaped her lips she knew that was the wrong question to ask this particular patient. "You're not are you?" she asked tentatively.
"That is none of your concern Doctor Jenison. You are a doctor and I your patient, so long as I am capable of making my own decisions you are bond by to what I decide. Now what did you tell them?"
"That you're anemic, which is true. We've already administered two units of blood and you will need more. Normally I'd have you stay about three days but with your additional condition-"
"No. I will stay the night to give you time to administer how many more units I require. I will not stay with the chance my father or someone else I know will pick up my chart and discover anything else."
"That wont happen, you had a CBC test revealing your anemia, it only shows your blood count. At least stay the three days, your father knows the policies and would more likely to suspect something if you signed yourself out against my orders."
"Three days then, no more," Antoinette agreed, now was not the time to evoke any unnecessary concern; she already had damage control to do after that dream.
With a sigh Doctor Jenison decided not to push, since meeting Ms. Chandler- Quartermaine she'd become well aware it was near impossible to bully her into anything. If she had her way this particular patient would be on extremely strict schedule containing lots of rest but she did not have that power as the patient knew far too well.
"Shall I let them know you're awake?"
Taking the cue from a nod, the doctor headed out stopping at her name.
"Sheryl? Thank you."
"Sure Skye, as much I as think you should tell them, sure."
Antoinette heard the other woman leave; she had not opened her eyes once during the conversation. She was afraid she would have begun to cry, she'd already become emotional once during a conversation with Doctor Jenison and while that had the good affect of making the doctor feel kindly toward her, and take the extra step to fulfill her wishes even though she disagreed, she was not about to do it again.
Feeling the beginning of a rather large headache, Antoinette sifted through thoughts of how to handle her visitors. They knew not the whole truth which made things easier, but she knew that after witnessing her behavior before collapsing, she could not keep the questions at bay for long. She had already been pushing it with Jax, keeping him too scared to say anything but she doubted that would work much longer. No, Antoinette had her work cut out for her in keeping her secrets, secrets were very hard work.
Alright, here you guys go, so stop complaining! G Now I'm sure when you all read the name Opacus you'll wonder what on earth I'm thinking but it's Latin for an English word that carries some personal meaning for me and Russian Blues (which is a type of feline that is noted for it's long legs, and short coat of a gray-blue that's absolutely beautiful in the sunlight). Also if there are more typos then usual give me a break, it's past midnight over here!!!
~Blood Rose~
It's all a bad dream,
Spinning in your lonely head
Welcome to my world she said,
Separated world, she stayed separated
(From 3 Doors Down: Down Poison)
Chapter 7:
Antoinette some how managed to survive the three days in the hospital. She had suffered endlessly at the hands of constant care and concern, no one seemed capable of understanding she wanted to be left in peace. Fortunately she was tired enough to sleep through most of her misery of being stuck in the extremely boring hospital bed. She knew she'd be on the receiving end of Jax's over attention and many visitors, she had no disillusions on that fact, but at least she would be home.
As to her damage control, she marveled at her capabilities to handle what she had thought to be an enormous headache. With a simple, innocent question and few well chosen words she had made it immediately clear that her last memory was of falling asleep against him. No one could question her about her nightmare if they didn't think she remembered it. Of course Jax knew she'd been having other nightmares but he didn't want to do anything that might upset her, she knew how to master that fear to it's fullest.
Antoinette hated using him that way, hated using his care for her but she refused to cause him the pain of the truth. It was her burden to carry.
When they reached the townhouse, against her protests, Jax carried her inside the house and laid her on the couch. Antoinette was immediately joined by a slender feline. A Russian Blue, the young male held a regal air with his long legs and silky coat. "Hey Opacus," Antoinette hailed the feline from his perch on the back of the couch. Opacus squeezed his eyes in response then descended gracefully to curl upon her middle. Antoinette smiled to herself as he purred, he'd decided she was his favorite bed a few weeks before, not that she minded.
Looking away from her small companion, Antoinette found Jax perched at the edge of the coffee table watching her for any sign that she needed to be whisked away back to the dreaded hospital bed.
Antoinette was about to make a comment that he looked like a bird of prey studying its next victim when the doorbell rang. Jax went to answer it while Antoinette sighed, no doubt her first visitor. Who the visitor was, however, was completely unexpected.
"Rae?" Antoinette went to get up only to have Rae hurriedly prevent it.
"What are you doing here?"
"To see you, what else?" Rae smiled down at her daughter, expertly hiding any worry or concern but being the image of encouragement. Antoinette groaned inwardly, she had not counted on having to deal with a bright and cheery Rae on top of everything else.
"There really was no need," Antoinette outwardly smiled sweetly.
"Of course there was, besides I missed you." Before it could be prevented Rae wrapped her arms about her daughter. When she pulled away there were a few tears in her eyes.
"Why don't I go make you some tea," Rae obviously wanted to get away and regain her resolve. Trust Rae to be highly emotional while at the same wanting the be a rock of comfort.
Antoinette watched Rae head down in search of the kitchen then turned to her watcher.
"Jax, why don't you go help her."
"You going to be ok?"
"Yes! Now go."
Flashing a smile and sincere annoyance Antoinette follow Jax with her eyes as he kissed her on the forehead and went to help Rae. The moment he was out of sight she got off the coach, displacing an unhappy Opacus, and slipped down the hall.
In the kitchen Rae unsuccessfully searched for a kettle and some tea. Jax quickly went to the correct cabinet and pulled out the necessary items.
"Thank you." Rae smiled at the man before her, it was easy to see he cared for her daughter, and that something was defiantly worried about her. "I'm Rae Cummings, obviously, I'm sorry for just breezing in with out introducing myself. You must be Jax."
Jax nodded and smiled lightly at her. "That's alright, it's nice to meet you. I assume Alan called you?"
Rae's smile faltered as she indicated yes with her head. "I would have been here sooner but some things can't be helped. How is she? I mean really, not the face of strength she shows."
Rae watched Jax turn away and fill the kettle with water. "She's an expert at wearing masks isn't she?" With a sigh he looked up at nothing. "Honestly, I'm not sure how she is. Physically her doctor says that she'll be fine, a little rest perhaps, she'll need to watch her diet and keep up with the vitamins she was prescribed but-"
"Your worried about her, reaction before fainting."
"Alan told you," Jax looking at her.
"He did. He also mentioned you didn't seem all that surprised. It wasn't the first time she dreamed like that was it?"
Rae took note as Jax smiled ruefully to himself, looking away sadly then back at her. "No, while I would love to blame her tiredness all on her anemia-" Jax shook his head realizing how he worded that; he would love to blame her anemia. "I'm afraid she's been having bad dreams for quite awhile now. I just- I wish I could do something, I feel so helpless. I'm afraid to say something about her but if I don't- it just gets worse. I'm lost, she wont let me in, I just-" Rae was about to lay a hand on his arm to calm his out burst when he began pacing up and down. "I wish I knew what to do, the right words to say."
"It'll be ok, I'll talk with her. She may not like it but I'm not going anywhere, maybe between the two of us we can get her to open up, to talk about whatever's eating her up inside."
"Do you honestly think we can get through to her?"
Rae smiled as he stopped to look at her, "I honestly think that it can only help."
Antoinette pulled away from the doorway. "You're wrong mother, it can only hurt," she whispered to herself. Antoinette turned and silently made her way back to the couch. She had not counted on Rae's appearance; she knew Rae was not the type to just let things go, that she would push for the chance of getting through. Antoinette also knew herself, she knew that if she got angry enough she could very well let something slip, and a slip, no matter how small could be disastrous.
As much as she hated to think it, as much as she never wanted to leave what happiness she had found, time did not wait for anyone and the time for her to go was drawing near. Indeed it might very well be upon her.
Big Huge special thanks to my unofficial BETA, Renee (you know Renee I ought to just make it official, I'm already keeping you up all hours of the night G). I found out that some people had trouble finding the back chapters (be sure you read the prologue, it's very important for later!!) so I archived this at fanfiction.net as well. Oh, now some of you are probably wondering what happened to Rae and mother-daughter talks, well have faith in me, I now what I'm doing, sorta G.
~Blood Rose~
I'm sitting here now as I write this, on the edge of our bed watching you sleep. You've got a smile on your lips and your arms out stretched to where I should lay, but I'm not. I'm sorry.
Do you remember our first kiss? I do. In the midst of all our games, the lies and deception for one glorious moment nothing mattered, all was left behind, and it terrified me. Do you remember our first night together? I do. After everything that had happened, out fights and anger for one wonderful night nothing mattered, all was left behind, and it terrified me. Am I being repetitive? I'm sorry.
I'm smiling now, your talking in your sleep, you're so peaceful when you sleep, so unlike myself. We have a pattern you and I, a pattern that has often left my terrified, terrified as I am now. For the first time in my life someone wants to know me, wants to know every hurt, every scar, and every secret I possess. But I'm afraid I can't do that. No. I can, but I wont. I could tell you of every moment of my being and I have no doubt you would be absolutely wonderful. I could open myself to you, leave myself bare before you, I trust you that much, but as I said, I wont. I'm sorry.
Why you may wonder. Simply this, I refuse. I refuse to put upon you my burdens, to give you to carry what is mine alone to carry and I refuse to relive my life for any reason. Is that selfish? I'm sorry.
The sun is rising now; the light is streaming through our window and onto our bed, now yours alone. I'm telling myself I'll leave this letter for you to find and with a final kiss be gone. I know it probably doesn't matter to you but I'm crying and I'm sorry, so sorry. Sorry I ever dragged you into my existence, sorry to cause you one single tear of pain. Sorry.
There is a robin outside now announcing the day with his beautiful song and telling me it's time to go now, time to disappear. I was once told that you have but one life to do with as you wish. Wouldn't it be nice if life were so simple, so wonderfully fair? But life is neither simple nor fair, we have but one life, one life to do with as you must and that I must do this, I'm sorry.
(From: Chandler-Quartermaine, Antoinette: the letter)
Chapter 8:
Antoinette didn't know how much time passed as she wrote her letter; it had been dark when she began and now it was light. Folding the letter she placed it on her pillow where Jax would be sure to find it.
Jax.
Antoinette looked at her partner, her partner in the best chapter of her life. She reached out a hand and gently traced the curve of his face then down along his jawbone. She smiled, the smile of a thousand woes. Bending down she gave him one final kiss.
"I love you," she whispered.
Strange that the words came so easily, that they fit so perfectly. She had never spoken those words to him before and he never to her. Their feelings had gone unspoken, it had never seemed necessary to do so, to put into words what they felt. Perhaps it was for the best that they had never exchanged the words, now that she was leaving.
Backing away slowly, careful not to make another noise, Antoinette left the room, their bedroom, and crept down the stairs. Through the door she went, closing it lightly, and out to her car. With a final glance at the second- story window, Antoinette got in and drove away, too afraid to look back.
When Jax awoke later that morning he immediately knew something was wrong. Where Skye should have been there was only a bare, cold place, void of her figure. He sat up quickly and upon seeing the letter felt dread settling in. He tried to rationalize that everything was ok, that it was probably nothing, but he knew it was not so.
He had to read the letter several times before comprehension truly began to take place. Jax swept through the entire house in a panic, finding that most of Skye's clothing and personal items were gone as well as her car. He sank into the couch, their couch, in a state beyond words. He still couldn't believe she was gone.
Opacus jumped lightly onto his lap emitting a soft, pitiful mew. Jax ignored him, staring blankly at the opposite wall, for how long he did not know. What he did know was that sometime later an awful thought entered his mind.
He never even said he loved her.
Over the next few chapters I will include what is going on with our girl revealing some of the 'mysteries' as well as cover what everyone in Port Charles is doing in reaction to her departure. Time will pass at various intervals; sometimes the chapter will be brief, such as this one, to set you up for the next, while other times the chapters will be long covering very little actual time at all. I will veer off the normal point of views to bring in others, present flashbacks and do things perhaps unexpected or seemingly pointless. I ask you to have faith I do have a plan (some where in the confines of my mind G), and bear with me as with spring break over and many end of the year projects to do the chapters wont be out as quickly as you'd like.
~Blood Rose~
It was so hard to let it show,
so hard to let you go
Pay close attention to the scars
Not to the lonely man caged in bars
Turn away 'cause the feeling has died
But before then, it was inside that I cried
(From Inside that I cried, writer unknown)
Chapter 9:
A small beach house stood solemnly against a gray sky. Beyond it the Pacific's slow, rolling movement could be seen matched by all the proper sounds and smells. Dark and lonely the house had sat uninhabited for over a decade but that was about to change.
Antoinette drove up a sandy road towards the house, stopping in front of it. Leaning back in her seat she sighed. It had been a long day of traveling and covering her tracks; she'd sold her car to a small dealership outside Port Charles, hoped long flights from Port Charles to Seattle under a name none would look for, then bought a new car to bring her here, to this secluded place, a place she never thought she'd return to.
She had to force herself to get out of the car and ascend the old wooden steps to the front door. Bending down she loosened a familiar board so she could retrieve an old key suspended from a hiding hook. Antoinette inserted the key, turned, and paused. She had never thought she'd come back here, to this house filled with so many memories, memories she would rather forget.
Pulling herself together she pushed forcing the stubborn door open and walked in to a room void of life.
She made her rounds about the house quickly, opening windows to get rid of the stale air, checking to make sure the electricity, phone, and water had been turned on, as they should have been. The place was clean, she'd picked a good maid, and obviously taken care of. Any damage that would have occurred through storms or simple age had been attended to as needed; she'd seen to it that it been cared for through all the years that had passed. Silly that she'd held onto the place, that she paid for it to be kept up. A symbol perhaps that she never really had let go, that there were things here she didn't want to let go of, parts of herself and her past.
Taking several trips from the car and back, bringing in her clothes, some food she'd picked up as well as other things she suspected she'd need. Well into the night she went about the house, putting things away. Though tired she dared not rest, it would be better if she pushed herself to a point where anything beyond the deepest sleep would be impossible. Strange she chose here to come to rest and hide when here lay the very cause of why she couldn't rest and what she had of long hid from.
There was one room, however, she did not touch, one room she did not enter. When she passed its closed entrance she skirted it as if out of habit. Though it was apart of the house she treated it as separate, something not there, something to be ignored. It was in that room that she most feared, dreaded, and wished to forget.
Meanwhile….
It hadn't taken long for Skye's departure to be spread to all those that mattered. After Jax, Rae had been to first to find out. When she'd gone to the townhouse she'd expected to find Jax hovering about Skye, waiting on her hand and foot, not staring blankly at a wall. He hadn't even gotten up to answer the door leaving her to come in on her on.
Upon seeing the lost look about him she'd immediately become worried, she'd frantically asked him what was wrong and in response he'd simple handed her the letter.
It didn't escape Rae's notice that the letter was neither addressed nor signed but she saw no significance in it reasoning that Skye had probably felt no need to, she didn't see that there might be a reason beyond the obvious.
Rae had quickly called Alan, who'd informed the rest of the Quartermaines who in turn informed others. Before noon had come and gone a gathering had descended upon the Quartermaine mansion to decide how to track Skye down, a task that would prove to be very difficult and perhaps outside of their reach.
So you want to know what aside from herself and her doctor no one else knows eh? Well I could have left it unsaid for a few more chapters but I figured I wouldn't be that mean, besides I've got plenty of other secrets I have no intention of letting you in on any time soon G.
~Blood Rose~
Be up, my soul! nor be afraid
Of what some unborn year may show;
But mind your human debts are paid,
As one by one the phantoms go.
(From Robinson, Edwin Arlington: Ballade by the Fire)
Chapter 10:
Dr. Jenison paced the length of her office, replaying her last conversation with Skye.
"They will not be told."
"They need to know, it's only a matter of time. What do you plan on doing, disappearing so they never know?"
"That is none of your concern Dr. Jenison…"
Although she knew it wasn't her fault, she very much doubted she'd planted the idea in her patient's head to disappear, she still felt responsible. She'd gone to great lengths to hid her patient's secret, fulfilling her wishes, but she'd always assumed it would be found out eventually and before it had become a crisis matter.
Now, however, she'd learned through hospital chatter that the chief of staff's daughter was gone, and had been gone for almost a week. She knew that they'd found her car in a used car lot and she'd been seen at the airport, but from there no one knew what had happened to her despite the various privately funded investigations going on. Her patient, now former patient, was gone and could very well die in a few months, and her family had no idea.
"Dammit Sheryl, they have to be notified, it might aid in finding her. Besides, Dr. Quartermaine is your superior and has access to all the medical files, so what I give him a push in the right direction, giving him the medical file wont be a preach of any protocol, so I know she doesn't want him to know, he could have easily found out if he bothered to look for the files, granted he doesn't know they exist…Shut up Sheryl! You are going to do this!"
Determined and set, Dr. Jenison set out to do something that would make her former patient hate her, most likely get yelled at by others for not doing it sooner, but all in all the thing that had to be done, at least that's what she kept telling herself.
Dr. Alan Quartermaine hadn't been of much use lately. He hadn't known what to expect after learning Skye was gone, that she hadn't trusted to come to him or anyone else with whatever it was that made her run away. He kept telling himself that all the various people he and Jax were paying to locate Skye would have some major break-through, that any moment the phone would ring telling him where his daughter was, that he could have her home by dinner time.
He didn't notice when someone knocked on his door, didn't notice when the opened it, it wasn't until he heard his name that he looked up.
"Dr. Quartermaine?"
In front of him stood his fellow worker, Dr. Jenison, whom appeared to be uncharacteristically nervous.
"Dr. Jenison, I'm sorry were we scheduled for a meeting, I-"
"No, I mean we weren't scheduled to meet for anything, I just-. Has there been any word on your daughter?"
Alan was taken slightly aback, he was aware that the news had circulated about the hospital but no one had actually come forward to say something outright.
"I know it's probably none of my business, she was my patient, I just wondered."
"Oh. Right. No, there hasn't been any word, outside of what I'm sure you've already heard through Amy." Alan attempted a smile and Dr. Jenison attempted to smile back, but the smiles weren't real, it showed.
"Is that all?"
"Oh, no, actually, I just-" Dr Jenison wasn't exactly sure what to say, how to put into words what needed to be said. She faltered as her boss looked at her with an odd expression of confusion and curiosity on his face.
"Here." She immediately chastised herself, 'here' like she couldn't say anything better as she held out a vanilla file.
"It wasn't the first time I saw your daughter, I mean when she was brought in, she'd come in before about something, I thought you should know." She tried to back up for her blunder as she watched her superior take the file. She opened her mouth to speak then shut it opting instead to simply excuse herself, leaving unnoticed while Dr. Alan Quartermaine read through his daughter's file and was shocked.
Across the country…
Antoinette stared at her own reflection while it stared back. Outside the sun was just beginning to rise, illuminating the bleak gray sky. She'd slept remarkably well considering where she was and everything that had been going through her mind of late, which wasn't really saying much. She had taken to wearing a royal blue dress shirt, Jax's shirt, which she'd brought with her. She found it comforting, his unique smell of soap and spices still lingered there, and if she tried hard enough she could almost imagine he was there with her, though in the long run it only made her hurt all the more.
Her reflection showed that she'd lost some of the healthy color the blood transfusions had brought to her checks though on a good note she was no where near the paleness that she'd had before collapsing. Her hair fell loosely about her head, her natural curls taking over, she'd decided it was a waste of time and energy to straighten it, especially as with the almost constant rain and moisture in that air it never stayed straight. She was thin, she found it remarkable that she'd lost weight while at the same time grown in her middle.
Laying a hand to her abdomen she smiled softly feeling the movement inside. It had to be the single most indescribably remarkable sensation, to feel a life growing inside oneself. She was about five months along now, it didn't surprise her that she showed very little, indeed if you did not know she was pregnant you probably wouldn't take any note of it. While some woman showed a great deal when they were with child, others very little and as she had expected to be of the latter.
Looking outside her window she noted it looked like rain, not that it ever didn't look like rain. She hoped it had come and gone before evening, she'd fallen into a pattern which included a slow walk north along the shore timed so she made her way back right as the sun was setting.
Her mind wandered back to Jax, clueless that he fathered an unborn child. She hated herself for not telling him, but the chances for survival were slim, she did not want to put him through the pain of loosing a child if she didn't have to, or of loosing her to death. No, it was better he did not know, that he knew only that she was gone from his life by her own choice. She could live with him hating her, never being able to forgive her for leaving. She had needed to leave anyways, there was much she needed to sort out for herself, things she couldn't discuss with him, things he couldn't understand, at least not while she couldn't understood it herself or come to terms with it, not that she ever really expected that she would.
A small shiver went down her spine, rubbing her arms with her hands, she crawled back into bed, it wasn't like she really needed to be up, she wasn't hungry yet or had anywhere to be. Again she wished it was Jax rubbing her arms, holding her close but she had made her choice and no matter how painful, she was determined to live with it, at least for while she really did still live.
~Blood Rose~
Chapter 11:
Rae raised a hesitant hand to knock on the door to the townhouse. Alan had immediately left the hospital and come to her hotel room to tell her of Skye's pregnancy and what it could do to her. Minutes had ticked by as she stared at him, unable to piece together in form of a sentence, or comprehensible thought. When at last the shock had worn off and then she'd been able to pull herself together after a release of emotions, she'd realized that Jax had to be told.
Alan had voiced that it would be best for her to tell him while he notified the Quartermaines, but she new he just didn't want to. She didn't really mind, having to be the one to tell Jax the news, it was only a matter of her being able to control herself. She'd always been good at keeping in touch with her emotions but at the moment that didn't seem like such a good thing.
~theDragonStar~
PS: I will occasionally put some lines from a poem or song at the end, and other times the beginning. They sometimes will have a meaning which you'll see related to the fic, but more likely simply no meaning at all, just me sharing something that caught my eye, or ear as the case may be.
PPS: See Ani, I do know how to share!
~Blood Rose~
Her lips were red, her looks were free,
Her locks were yellow as gold:
Her skin was as white as leprosy,
The Nightmare Life-in-Death was she,
Who thicks man's blood with cold.
(from:Coleridge, Samuel Taylor: The Rime of the Ancient Mariner)
Prologue:
A gentle breeze crept through an open window
Soft white draperies rippled upon the air
A crystal chime's music played in silence
Smell of open sea had long ago seeped in
Bed dressed in white stood strong by a wall
Posts like twisted spears at each corner
Yards of lace fell down between
All was white with delicate care
And all was red with deep blood
It dripped down the walls
Soaked deep into the bed
1 Trickled in streams on hard-wood floors
Settled in pool around a lonely figure
Child pale as pearls, hair of flaming color
Alone she stood still clad in cloud's silver
Not once her lips moved nor eyes fluttered
White rose held out dipped in red
The lost echo of a cry penetrated from her slim body
It was the mournful call of a ghost
A ghost far from being dead
Antoinette sat up in her bed reaching out for air. Her chest heaved in effort, she could fell her heart pounding, and upon her checks there was a multitude of tears.
In her minds eye she could still see the blood which seemed to come forth out of the very walls, she could feel a chill wind upon her, smell the salt air mixed with the smell of death. She knew that scene far to well, she knew how it began and how it ended. She knew it far to well for it to be a simple nightmare.
"Skye, honey what's wrong?" Her partner asked beside her. She closed her eyes as if to blot him out. "Skye, talk to me, what is it?" "Nothing Jax, just a nightmare, go back to sleep."
Unfortunately, he would not just let the matter be.
"Skye, come on, I know it's more than a simply nightmare. You haven't been sleeping right for weeks."
That was true enough, sleep had not been with in her grasp for the past few weeks but that was not unusual, at least for her.
"It's just stress, happens all the time when I'm trying to do too much at once, I'll be fine, go to sleep."
He knew she was telling a lie, that in all reality she'd been having a less stressful time of late, or should have been if not for her sleepless nights, but something in her tone when she spoke the last few words bore a warning not to push and a plead to let it be. So he did.
And regretted it later.
Dearest readers, again this is short, but most likely they we all be more short then comparatively long, but at least you're getting something so don't complain G.
~theDragonStar~
~Blood Rose~
I left those shadows right there right then,
And I turned around to start again,
Yet every time I visit this place
The reflections are there, not to be replaced
(From Saffer, Daniel R.: Reflections)
Chapter 1:
Dressed in an airy white skirt with a red rose print and a matching red tank top Antoinette stared at her reflection in the full-length mirror. She touched one of the roses on her skirt and closed her eyes. She could see a black vase in her mind, full of red roses, almost. One rose was different, different only in color, for it was white. As she imagined the arrangement to every detail it changed; the water was no longer clear but became red. The roses absorbed the colored liquid, which rose up the long steams and impossibly poured fourth from the petals. The one white rose quickly became no longer white, but red.
Red with blood.
"Skye? You ready?"
Antoinette jumped at the sound hastily shaking the image from her mind. "I'll be right down!"
With a final look at her haunted reflection, Antoinette headed down the stairs of the townhouse she shared with Jax.
Jax looked up hearing her on the stairs and smiled as she appeared. His smile faltered slightly. She's so pale, Jax thought to himself as he watched Skye near the bottom step. Suddenly Skye gave a slight cry grabbing the banister with one hand as if to prevent a fall.
Jax leaped to her side lifting her up in his arms before she could protest.
"Put me down," she requested softly as she headed towards the couch. Jax looked down at her, her eyes begged him to follow her request but he didn't. Instead he continued to the couch laying her down on its cushions.
She immediately moved to stand up but he pulled her back down.
"Jax what are we doing, we have to go."
"You almost collapsed and you want to just go like nothing happened?"
"Nothing did happen, so a slightly painful cramp took me by surprise, I think I'll survive," she did her best to sound sarcastic.
Jax looked down at Skye knowing that she wouldn't admit to it being anything but nothing and that she would continue to the 4th of July picnic with or with out him. She'd been increasingly stubborn as of late as well as closed off. He could either walk into a fight with her only to find him bared by more walls in the end or let it go and have the chance to remain close to her. After what had just happened no matter how minor a happening it was claimed to be, he was not about to leave her side. Things often were not as they seemed with Skye. It was good that he had learned this about her.
Very good, so it proved.
~Blood Rose~
Two years gone, except for moments
in the rain. Moments of days or
weekends or even weeks, but still
only moments. Always ending.
Always holding their breath,
waiting for the certain end.
Now you are here.
(From Mohanray, M.A.: With Ocean Waiting Below)
Chapter 2:
Antoinette stood at the bow of the small speedboat as it rushed towards Spoon Island. Today was meant to be full of socializing, eating, and at night fireworks were to be set off from a launch in the water. She hoped to make it through the day, she felt she could collapse at any passing moment if her will didn't hold out.
Selfish.
That would be the word her mother would have called her for hiding away the pain but she didn't see how that could be called selfish. She hide what she hide because she didn't want to cause anyone worry, to burden them with her problems.
A slight pain spread from her lower abdomen and she leaned over slightly, bracing herself with a hand on the railing. Today was not starting out a good day.
She felt a presence behind her so she straightened, willing the pain to leave her.
"You alright?" Jax whispered in her ear.
"Mmhm," she sighed leaning into him.
She had once told him she felt safe with him and she did. No matter what was going on Antoinette knew she could always count on his calming force. She was thankful for that but at the same time guilt plagued her for it, she knew that she was hurting him, he knew she wasn't being honest with him lately. She wished she could tell him it was for his own protection, not letting him in, but that was like asking for a disaster.
Closing her eyes Antoinette breathed in deep, taking in the smell of the salty air. She had a great love for the sea, or rather used to. Now the sea air always bore something more, a presence of hatred, and fear.
A shiver spread from the back of her neck spreading down her spine. "Not today, please not today," she whispered to herself, too softly for her partner to hear.
Antoinette did not want to think of the past but at the same time recognized she wasn't allowing herself to forget wearing what she wore, being where she was.
As Spoon Island loomed closer, Antoinette took a deep breath placing a smile on her pale face, becoming the image of happiness, hoping her recent haunts weren't revealed in her appearance.
But hoping doesn't make things so.
~Blood Rose~
Let us, the Children of the Night,
Put off the cloak that hides the scar!
Let us be Children of the Light,
And tell the ages what we are!
(From Robinson, Edwin Arlington: The Children Of The Night)
Chapter 3:
Antoinette was aware of her partner's steady arm about her. Part of her was annoyed that he was obviously concerned about her falling after the almost fall at the Townhouse, she felt like pulling away to prove a point. However, another part of her was grateful, and she didn't want to push him away, she liked having him close. Besides, it wasn't like he was being obvious, pestering her with constant questions of her well-being, he knew better. To any others his arm about her was nothing more than simple affection, it had become to be expected of the two to share a closeness. They were not obscene in displays but shared a comfort with being in each other's spheres that there was never a question of their intimacy. Those that had fought against their becoming a couple had come to respect their relationship even if they didn't like it, and all those that mattered were happy for the respective half.
As they rounded Windemere, they happened upon the gathering. It was a private affair but with a large guest list filled with Cassadines, Spencers, all Gia's associates and their families from Deception, important employees and their families from General Hospital, which included the Quartermaine's obviously, as well as many others with connections of some sort or simply invited because of their prestige in the community.
"Aunt Skye!" a happy voice cried out and Antoinette turned to see a very happy red head running towards her. Through some miracle AJ had gained part-custody of Michael allowing him to see his son regularly. Michael had been shy at first, as well as confused to suddenly having a whole new set of family members but had warmed up to them. He had bonded quickly with his father and new stepmother, Aunt Courtney, as well as his Aunt Skye. She had wondered if he had unconsciously picked up his father's preference for being around his redheaded sister unlike with the rest of the Quartermaines and had even mentioned it to AJ, but he voiced the belief his son was just smart and knew the best people to get close to.
Michael grabbed his Aunt's hand and dragged her along talking a mile a minute, "Come on Aunt Skye, everyone is waiting for you and Uncle Jax!" Antoinette smiled to herself as Michael tried to drag her along. Michael had decided to call Jax 'uncle' all on his own some time ago, or so she thought. Unbeknownst to her, Ned had surprisingly remarked in Michael's hearing that he might as well call Jax 'uncle' because he most likely would have to someday, not that he necessarily liked the thought nor would voice it in her or Jax's hearing in case he gave the two ideas. After hearing this, Michael had been doing exactly that, which to everyone else's amusement immensely annoyed Sonny.
As Michael pulled his aunt along chattering nonstop, he was hailed by another child. "Hey Michael come on! My mom's got sparklers!"
Michael looked after the waving child then back at his Aunt, he look absolutely innocently torn at what to do. He could either abandon his Aunt and play with sparklers, or continue to drag her along to where everyone else was.
"I think we can find our way, you go ahead and play," Antoinette smiled at him, shaking her head in amusement as he hugged her in relief and ran off to play.
"He's so full of life isn't he? He's been through more than he knows at such a young age but at least he's happy, and alive."
Jax looked at Skye as she watched a group of children run about with sparklers, not caring they were meant for when it was darker. There had been something in her voice when she'd commented he was alive, something he couldn't put his finger on. She seemed to carry a sadness as she watched the children play.
He wondered if it had anything to do with what she was hiding, and filed it away for later thought.
Many of you readers think that you have what Skye is hiding pegged, and I would hope so as I want you to have figured it out, or to at least think you have. There is much more going on than one simple thing. There will be many revelations, some foreseen, others a surprise, and perhaps those you may second-guess before it's over. I have so many thoughts going through my head for this fic I have a feeling even I will be surprised to how it all comes out.
~Blood Rose~
If I can ease one life the aching,
Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting robin
Unto his nest again,
I shall not live in vain.
(From Dickinson, Emily: If I can stop one heart from breaking,)
Chapter 4:
Antoinette found herself actually enjoying the gathering. She was sitting on a blanket leaning back against her partner's chest, head resting against the crook of his neck. Her eyes were kept closed as she took in the atmosphere about her.
To her left she could hear Kristina and Courtney talking happily with the occasional cynical comment from AJ followed by a grunt that she imagined was the result of Courtney elbowing him. To her right Alan and Monica were discussing something of little importance with Bobbie and another voice she believed to belong to Scott Baldwin, she didn't care to check. In front of her she knew Ned and Alexis were sitting from the fact that they were talking with Jax. She had been taking apart of the discussions about her earlier but now she choose to rest and listen to the voices with out really hearing at all.
"Aunt Skye? Are you sleeping?" a small voice whispered in her ear.
"Mm?" was all the response she seemed to be able to manage.
"Will you set off fireworks with me and Daddy when you wake up?"
"Mmhm," she nodded her head as she turned slightly to snuggle into her partner's broad chest that she noted worked remarkably well as a pillow.
"Alright, sleep tight Aunt Skye."
Drifting away into darkness Antoinette felt a soft kiss on her temple as she became no more aware of anything.
Michael stepped back from his sleeping Aunt, studying her with his innocent gaze. "Why isn't she any better?" he asked aloud, turning to look at his father.
An uncomfortable quiet settled upon all those around as they turned to look at Michael, then Skye. AJ studied his son, not for nothing Skye had accredited him with being an observant child. "What do you mean Michael? Skye's just fine," AJ told his son with a smile, but Michael shook his head in defiance. "Then why is she so tired? You said it yourself to Aunt Courtney when we were at the zoo and Aunt Skye had to sit down while we went into the reptile house. You said she looked like death warmed over."
AJ shifted uncomfortably. An observant child, observant and apparently blessed with a remarkable set of ears.
Seeing her husband's struggle for a response, Courtney put on a bright smile for the child's sake and spoke. "Your Dad was just being his usual pessimistic self. You know your Aunt Skye works hard running a company and sometimes she gets tired, that's all. Now why don't you go play, it'll be a while before its time for fireworks."
Michael nodded and turned to find some play but paused for a final question, "Aunt Courtney, what does pesiemisic mean?"
The tense silence that had appeared dissipated with some laughter and smiles.
"I'll explain it latter, now go play." The boy left and with no hesitation, the tense silence returned.
Jax watched Michael leave, running off happily, then looked down at Skye. So pale, so week and quite, it was almost like looking down upon a sleeping stranger.
Stealthily he moved wrapping an arm tight around her then kissed the top of her head. With out looking up at those around him he asked, "You've noticed." Though in all reality it really wasn't a question at all. He knew they had noticed a change in her wither they cared for Skye or not. Her recent paleness, quite manner, and never ceasing lack of energy was impossible not to notice. There was only one question to be answered. One.
They had all noticed but none knew how to answer the one question. Skye was no ordinary person; there were walls and complications in everything about her as well in the one question, especially in it.
What was there to be done about it?
~Blood Rose~
Down to the deepest depths I peered
Until I spied the Runes
With a roaring cry I seized them up
Then dizzy and fainting, I fell.
(From the The Poetic Edda: The Speech of the High One)
Chapter 5:
From afar anyone watching the group would think they were having a fine time engrossed in conversation, up a little closer you might have been obliged to notice from their faces it was possible a serious discussion, but if you were apart of the group you knew most defiantly the topic was serious as well as uncomfortable.
Using her cool rational logic Alexis thought it best to speak first after Jax's statement of noticing Skye's recent behavior and appearance. "Well, of course we've noticed. Anyone who knows Skye's normal self or even heard of her would note a recent change. I know that I felt, and I'm sure that the same could be said for those here except for perhaps Alan and AJ, it was not my place to say anything. Skye and I have become capable of an understanding and friendly conversation but I seriously doubt she'd appreciate me commenting on her of late."
"Alexis, get to the point. No. Allow me. You are all afraid she'll bite your head off, even though she'd probably be too tired to do so, if you say anything."
"That's not true. I'm not afraid of Skye, I just figured, well that if anyone should say anything it ought to be you and if you weren't maybe you knew something the rest of us didn't." AJ claimed indignantly.
"Oh that is such a load AJ. You might as well not lie, you're afraid of bringing Skye's wrath upon you just like everyone else." AJ glared over at his wife who glared back.
"Well AJ does have a point. Skye is closer to Jax than any of us," Alan said unsuccessfully hiding a hint to his tone of a wish to be closer with his daughter.
Jax laughed lightly, but with no amusement in it.
"You might as well admit none of you wanted to say anything because you know full well what her reaction would be. For those of you not close to her, you'd good a good earful and more distance would be put between a thought to friendship, and you certainly don't want Skye as you enemy. As for the others of us," Jax let out a defeated sigh, "we know she'd push away and add more walls. I've tried to approach the subject but she doesn't want me to. She's put up all these walls I'd thought were long gone between us."
"So knock them back down, you got to her once."
"You know it's not that simple AJ. Lately I've started wondering if there are more walls know then there ever was. I try to push a little and she pulls farther away. I'm afraid. Afraid for her if I don't push but afraid that if I do she'll pull so far back while pushing me away that I wont be there when she needs me. She almost fell today, on the stairs."
"And you didn't take her to the hospital?" Alan asked angrily.
"So you'd rather I do what? Drag her their by force and when we get there she claims to something than is no big deal and refuses to unnecessary tests. The only thing I would have succeeded in doing was making her furious. Is that what you want?"
"It's better than just doing nothing! Now don't get me wrong Skye is not my favorite person though I've actually begun to see her a little differently since she's been with you but this is ridiculous. You can't seriously just stand there and watch her go through whatever this is."
"You know Kristina for one supposedly so insightful into everyone I don't think you've yet to figure Skye out. Were you not listening to what I said? I am doing something! I'm restraining myself so I can be there; she knows I'm here if she'd just open up. The thing that confuses me the most she's knows what's wrong. If she was coming down with some sickness she didn't know about she might not like hospitals but she'd let me take her there. She knows though, she knows what's wrong and despite the physical symptoms I don't think it has anything to do with an illness and I don't think any of you do either. Something is bothering her that's causing stress, something that's making her wake up every night from nightmares or sometimes never even being able to fall asleep. There's something going on that's making her put up her walls and wont let me in or anyone else. Sometimes I just want to reach out and shake her, scream at her to tell me but that's most defiantly one of the worst ways to try and get through to her if she's trying to keep you out. Even if she let something slip in lashing out anger it would be only harder to get anything more out of her."
Jax had forgotten that the subject of his outbreak was sleeping against his chest as he'd let his voice rise. It was frustrating not knowing how to get through to the one you love, to watch them go through something you didn't understand and that had had it's own toll on Jax. Only when he felt a slight jerk against him did he once again realize where Skye was in relation to himself. Her entire body had gone tense; her mouth moved uttering a whisper he couldn't understand but knew was a cry against something.
"Skye? Skye honey wake up, come back to me," Jax moved her so was lying down him next to her. Those around exchanged worried glances while AJ hurried to Skye's other side.
"Skye wake up, come on its AJ."
But she didn't wake up and Jax knew she wouldn't. For some reason unknown to him it was impossible to wake Skye up from her nightmares. It was almost like she herself locked the door trapping her inside till the unseen door could no longer restrain her. He'd been beside her awake enough times to know that when Skye dreamed, her body becoming tense and the occasionally short movement was only the beginning.
Antoinette stood at the oceans shore, the water lapping over her feet. She was both apart of herself and at the same moment separate, seeing her own image standing barefoot upon the sand as one would see another. She was different some recess of her mind told her. Her hair was long, much longer than it should be, as well as curly instead of straight. Her face was younger, less worried and haunted.
She closed her eyes, smiling to herself. She loved the ocean, the smell of the salt air, the sounds of the waves breaking on the sand, the cries of the gulls flying overhead, the laughter. Laughter?
Antoinette opened her eyes and looked about her, in the distance she though she could see a figure dancing, calling to her, laughing. Gathering up her flowing white skirt she ran across the beach, ran towards the elusive figure.
'Don't go, please stay,' her mind called out, but it was no use.
Above her she was aware of the harmless gray hues of the sky deepening, becoming a dangerous black. She was aware of the wind picking up, racing about her in great gusts and wails. She was aware of the rain as it poured down upon, striking her skin, soaking her to the bone.
The rain was not all that fell.
Petals from red rose poured from the sky with the rain, blanketing the sand and sea alike. She was running on a carpet of rose petals, her breathing ragged, uneven, she kept running, running, running.
A bold cliff came up in front of her barring her way. She looked up it's rough face to the top where laughter was brought down by the wind. Not stopping to think she attacked the cliff face, climbing up it with bare hands and feet. Sharp rocks with jagged edges torn into her skin. Her own life-giving blood made the rock face slippery making progress harder but she kept going; she refused to stop.
When at last she pulled herself onto the top she found herself on a long flat covered with wild grasses. As she hurried through the tall grass she was aware of the blades slicing into her like blades. It did not occur to her that petals from above and blades of grass like knives could not exist, that nothing in which she was could exist, to her it was real.
Ever elusive, calling to her and full with laughter the figure ran, ran faster than she could ever hope to match.
She fell.
Not into the blades of grass did she fall but upon sand once again. Her chest heaving and heart racing Antoinette struggled to get up but she was sinking, sinking into the sand.
"What do you want from me?" she screamed out across the land and the laughter changed. No longer sweet and innocent the sound of a man's laughter, deep and unmerciful reached her ears. She knew that laugh.
Antoinette watched herself struggle out of the sand unto a bed of petals, she watched herself weeping pounded by drops of rain. But it was no longer rain, for rain was not red.
Lifting up her hands to her eyes she could see the blood she tried to wipe it off, to rid herself of it but the task seemed unbearable impossible.
In front of her a shadow loomed but she would not look up at it. She knew the face it bore, the horror of the glassy eyes. She willed herself to wake up, to be dragged far from this place, she pleaded to be gone, to suffer no more if just for now. She awoke.
Jax watched Skye twist and turn, there were tears on her cheeks. "Come on Skye, wake up!" he growled at her, willing her to come back to him. All around him no one knew what to say or do. They were in shock watching them twist in turn while nothing could break her from her horror.
They all jumped as they heard her scream, scream in a terror that shattered their hearts for her; it did not matter if they liked her, knew anything about her, or even possibly relate they knew that scream was a sound none should ever make awake or in dream.
She awoke.
Jumping back from her partner and brother, Antoinette pulled herself up, backing away from the circle of concern.
Someone was saying something to her, trying to sooth her but she couldn't piece it together, her mind was a mass of confusion, nothing made sense.
Slowly things became clearer, the figures in front of her focused, became recognizable. For a moment everything fell into place in her mind, full comprehension of everything that had just happened was with in her grasp, but only for a moment.
Antoinette swayed a little as a giant wave of dizziness came upon her, everything spun, everything went black.
~Blood Rose~
So if you keep a hiding place,
It's probably in your heart.
You will keep inside forever this space,
Of the darkness of wishing to start.
(From Hiding Places: Saffer, Daniel R)
Chapter 6:
When Jax had watched in seemingly slow motion Skye sway and collapse he'd been the first at her side, catching her before her head touched the ground. He'd lifted her up and gotten her to a speedboat joined by Alan and AJ while the others took to other boats so as not to crowd the space. AJ had taken the wheel while Alan called to make arrangements for an ambulance to meet them at the docks.
Not married to Skye, Jax was not allowed to come in the ambulance so he'd been forced to let go of her. Besides, Alan could do better for her in the ambulance, what could he do? He hated feeling helpless.
Now Jax paced back and forth in the waiting room. He vaguely acknowledged the fact that Alexis was speaking to him but what her words were he did not know. It wasn't until Alan walked up did he stop to concentrate on anything but his worry.
"How is she?" Jax asked at the same moment AJ inquired, "What's wrong?"
"She'll be fine, after a few blood transfusions, she's severely anemic but fine. Doctor Jenison's taken over, she thought it would be best since I'm close to Skye to let her take care of everything. But she's fine, a few days in the hospital, she'll be fine." He seemed unaware that he was being repetitive but regardless the information brought ease to all those presence. She was fine, just fine. At least that they knew.
Antoinette opened her heavy eyes to look about her. With a quick glance around it was not hard to deduce she was in a hospital. She hated hospitals; she'd found herself in them far too often. There was a distinct smell to hospitals, a mixture of medicines, ammonia, life, and to the familiar, death.
Antoinette did not need to wonder how she'd gotten there or what had happened; in fact she cared little about such questions. She only had one question, a question whose answer could have dramatic affects on what her next move in this life of hers would be.
"Ms. Chandler-Quartermaine?"
A tall brunette stepped in, a woman, a doctor, and a familiar face.
"Do they-" Antoinette began to ask with out formalities or care for anything else but an answer to her dire question. Did they know?
"No." The doctor was not happy to answer the unfinished question in a negative. She did not agree with her patient's wishes, but she was obliged to follow them.
Antoinette closed her eyes, relaxing in relief, listening to what else the other woman had to say.
"They would know if I had not been here knowing your wishes. It would be best if you told them now yourself." There was a wistful tone to her voice, if with little hope, she had come to know her patient well enough to know what the reply would be.
"They will not be told."
With a very heavy sigh the doctor sank into a chair along side the bed. "They need to know, it's only a matter of time. What do you plan on doing, disappearing so they never know?" The moment the words escaped her lips she knew that was the wrong question to ask this particular patient. "You're not are you?" she asked tentatively.
"That is none of your concern Doctor Jenison. You are a doctor and I your patient, so long as I am capable of making my own decisions you are bond by to what I decide. Now what did you tell them?"
"That you're anemic, which is true. We've already administered two units of blood and you will need more. Normally I'd have you stay about three days but with your additional condition-"
"No. I will stay the night to give you time to administer how many more units I require. I will not stay with the chance my father or someone else I know will pick up my chart and discover anything else."
"That wont happen, you had a CBC test revealing your anemia, it only shows your blood count. At least stay the three days, your father knows the policies and would more likely to suspect something if you signed yourself out against my orders."
"Three days then, no more," Antoinette agreed, now was not the time to evoke any unnecessary concern; she already had damage control to do after that dream.
With a sigh Doctor Jenison decided not to push, since meeting Ms. Chandler- Quartermaine she'd become well aware it was near impossible to bully her into anything. If she had her way this particular patient would be on extremely strict schedule containing lots of rest but she did not have that power as the patient knew far too well.
"Shall I let them know you're awake?"
Taking the cue from a nod, the doctor headed out stopping at her name.
"Sheryl? Thank you."
"Sure Skye, as much I as think you should tell them, sure."
Antoinette heard the other woman leave; she had not opened her eyes once during the conversation. She was afraid she would have begun to cry, she'd already become emotional once during a conversation with Doctor Jenison and while that had the good affect of making the doctor feel kindly toward her, and take the extra step to fulfill her wishes even though she disagreed, she was not about to do it again.
Feeling the beginning of a rather large headache, Antoinette sifted through thoughts of how to handle her visitors. They knew not the whole truth which made things easier, but she knew that after witnessing her behavior before collapsing, she could not keep the questions at bay for long. She had already been pushing it with Jax, keeping him too scared to say anything but she doubted that would work much longer. No, Antoinette had her work cut out for her in keeping her secrets, secrets were very hard work.
Alright, here you guys go, so stop complaining! G Now I'm sure when you all read the name Opacus you'll wonder what on earth I'm thinking but it's Latin for an English word that carries some personal meaning for me and Russian Blues (which is a type of feline that is noted for it's long legs, and short coat of a gray-blue that's absolutely beautiful in the sunlight). Also if there are more typos then usual give me a break, it's past midnight over here!!!
~Blood Rose~
It's all a bad dream,
Spinning in your lonely head
Welcome to my world she said,
Separated world, she stayed separated
(From 3 Doors Down: Down Poison)
Chapter 7:
Antoinette some how managed to survive the three days in the hospital. She had suffered endlessly at the hands of constant care and concern, no one seemed capable of understanding she wanted to be left in peace. Fortunately she was tired enough to sleep through most of her misery of being stuck in the extremely boring hospital bed. She knew she'd be on the receiving end of Jax's over attention and many visitors, she had no disillusions on that fact, but at least she would be home.
As to her damage control, she marveled at her capabilities to handle what she had thought to be an enormous headache. With a simple, innocent question and few well chosen words she had made it immediately clear that her last memory was of falling asleep against him. No one could question her about her nightmare if they didn't think she remembered it. Of course Jax knew she'd been having other nightmares but he didn't want to do anything that might upset her, she knew how to master that fear to it's fullest.
Antoinette hated using him that way, hated using his care for her but she refused to cause him the pain of the truth. It was her burden to carry.
When they reached the townhouse, against her protests, Jax carried her inside the house and laid her on the couch. Antoinette was immediately joined by a slender feline. A Russian Blue, the young male held a regal air with his long legs and silky coat. "Hey Opacus," Antoinette hailed the feline from his perch on the back of the couch. Opacus squeezed his eyes in response then descended gracefully to curl upon her middle. Antoinette smiled to herself as he purred, he'd decided she was his favorite bed a few weeks before, not that she minded.
Looking away from her small companion, Antoinette found Jax perched at the edge of the coffee table watching her for any sign that she needed to be whisked away back to the dreaded hospital bed.
Antoinette was about to make a comment that he looked like a bird of prey studying its next victim when the doorbell rang. Jax went to answer it while Antoinette sighed, no doubt her first visitor. Who the visitor was, however, was completely unexpected.
"Rae?" Antoinette went to get up only to have Rae hurriedly prevent it.
"What are you doing here?"
"To see you, what else?" Rae smiled down at her daughter, expertly hiding any worry or concern but being the image of encouragement. Antoinette groaned inwardly, she had not counted on having to deal with a bright and cheery Rae on top of everything else.
"There really was no need," Antoinette outwardly smiled sweetly.
"Of course there was, besides I missed you." Before it could be prevented Rae wrapped her arms about her daughter. When she pulled away there were a few tears in her eyes.
"Why don't I go make you some tea," Rae obviously wanted to get away and regain her resolve. Trust Rae to be highly emotional while at the same wanting the be a rock of comfort.
Antoinette watched Rae head down in search of the kitchen then turned to her watcher.
"Jax, why don't you go help her."
"You going to be ok?"
"Yes! Now go."
Flashing a smile and sincere annoyance Antoinette follow Jax with her eyes as he kissed her on the forehead and went to help Rae. The moment he was out of sight she got off the coach, displacing an unhappy Opacus, and slipped down the hall.
In the kitchen Rae unsuccessfully searched for a kettle and some tea. Jax quickly went to the correct cabinet and pulled out the necessary items.
"Thank you." Rae smiled at the man before her, it was easy to see he cared for her daughter, and that something was defiantly worried about her. "I'm Rae Cummings, obviously, I'm sorry for just breezing in with out introducing myself. You must be Jax."
Jax nodded and smiled lightly at her. "That's alright, it's nice to meet you. I assume Alan called you?"
Rae's smile faltered as she indicated yes with her head. "I would have been here sooner but some things can't be helped. How is she? I mean really, not the face of strength she shows."
Rae watched Jax turn away and fill the kettle with water. "She's an expert at wearing masks isn't she?" With a sigh he looked up at nothing. "Honestly, I'm not sure how she is. Physically her doctor says that she'll be fine, a little rest perhaps, she'll need to watch her diet and keep up with the vitamins she was prescribed but-"
"Your worried about her, reaction before fainting."
"Alan told you," Jax looking at her.
"He did. He also mentioned you didn't seem all that surprised. It wasn't the first time she dreamed like that was it?"
Rae took note as Jax smiled ruefully to himself, looking away sadly then back at her. "No, while I would love to blame her tiredness all on her anemia-" Jax shook his head realizing how he worded that; he would love to blame her anemia. "I'm afraid she's been having bad dreams for quite awhile now. I just- I wish I could do something, I feel so helpless. I'm afraid to say something about her but if I don't- it just gets worse. I'm lost, she wont let me in, I just-" Rae was about to lay a hand on his arm to calm his out burst when he began pacing up and down. "I wish I knew what to do, the right words to say."
"It'll be ok, I'll talk with her. She may not like it but I'm not going anywhere, maybe between the two of us we can get her to open up, to talk about whatever's eating her up inside."
"Do you honestly think we can get through to her?"
Rae smiled as he stopped to look at her, "I honestly think that it can only help."
Antoinette pulled away from the doorway. "You're wrong mother, it can only hurt," she whispered to herself. Antoinette turned and silently made her way back to the couch. She had not counted on Rae's appearance; she knew Rae was not the type to just let things go, that she would push for the chance of getting through. Antoinette also knew herself, she knew that if she got angry enough she could very well let something slip, and a slip, no matter how small could be disastrous.
As much as she hated to think it, as much as she never wanted to leave what happiness she had found, time did not wait for anyone and the time for her to go was drawing near. Indeed it might very well be upon her.
Big Huge special thanks to my unofficial BETA, Renee (you know Renee I ought to just make it official, I'm already keeping you up all hours of the night G). I found out that some people had trouble finding the back chapters (be sure you read the prologue, it's very important for later!!) so I archived this at fanfiction.net as well. Oh, now some of you are probably wondering what happened to Rae and mother-daughter talks, well have faith in me, I now what I'm doing, sorta G.
~Blood Rose~
I'm sitting here now as I write this, on the edge of our bed watching you sleep. You've got a smile on your lips and your arms out stretched to where I should lay, but I'm not. I'm sorry.
Do you remember our first kiss? I do. In the midst of all our games, the lies and deception for one glorious moment nothing mattered, all was left behind, and it terrified me. Do you remember our first night together? I do. After everything that had happened, out fights and anger for one wonderful night nothing mattered, all was left behind, and it terrified me. Am I being repetitive? I'm sorry.
I'm smiling now, your talking in your sleep, you're so peaceful when you sleep, so unlike myself. We have a pattern you and I, a pattern that has often left my terrified, terrified as I am now. For the first time in my life someone wants to know me, wants to know every hurt, every scar, and every secret I possess. But I'm afraid I can't do that. No. I can, but I wont. I could tell you of every moment of my being and I have no doubt you would be absolutely wonderful. I could open myself to you, leave myself bare before you, I trust you that much, but as I said, I wont. I'm sorry.
Why you may wonder. Simply this, I refuse. I refuse to put upon you my burdens, to give you to carry what is mine alone to carry and I refuse to relive my life for any reason. Is that selfish? I'm sorry.
The sun is rising now; the light is streaming through our window and onto our bed, now yours alone. I'm telling myself I'll leave this letter for you to find and with a final kiss be gone. I know it probably doesn't matter to you but I'm crying and I'm sorry, so sorry. Sorry I ever dragged you into my existence, sorry to cause you one single tear of pain. Sorry.
There is a robin outside now announcing the day with his beautiful song and telling me it's time to go now, time to disappear. I was once told that you have but one life to do with as you wish. Wouldn't it be nice if life were so simple, so wonderfully fair? But life is neither simple nor fair, we have but one life, one life to do with as you must and that I must do this, I'm sorry.
(From: Chandler-Quartermaine, Antoinette: the letter)
Chapter 8:
Antoinette didn't know how much time passed as she wrote her letter; it had been dark when she began and now it was light. Folding the letter she placed it on her pillow where Jax would be sure to find it.
Jax.
Antoinette looked at her partner, her partner in the best chapter of her life. She reached out a hand and gently traced the curve of his face then down along his jawbone. She smiled, the smile of a thousand woes. Bending down she gave him one final kiss.
"I love you," she whispered.
Strange that the words came so easily, that they fit so perfectly. She had never spoken those words to him before and he never to her. Their feelings had gone unspoken, it had never seemed necessary to do so, to put into words what they felt. Perhaps it was for the best that they had never exchanged the words, now that she was leaving.
Backing away slowly, careful not to make another noise, Antoinette left the room, their bedroom, and crept down the stairs. Through the door she went, closing it lightly, and out to her car. With a final glance at the second- story window, Antoinette got in and drove away, too afraid to look back.
When Jax awoke later that morning he immediately knew something was wrong. Where Skye should have been there was only a bare, cold place, void of her figure. He sat up quickly and upon seeing the letter felt dread settling in. He tried to rationalize that everything was ok, that it was probably nothing, but he knew it was not so.
He had to read the letter several times before comprehension truly began to take place. Jax swept through the entire house in a panic, finding that most of Skye's clothing and personal items were gone as well as her car. He sank into the couch, their couch, in a state beyond words. He still couldn't believe she was gone.
Opacus jumped lightly onto his lap emitting a soft, pitiful mew. Jax ignored him, staring blankly at the opposite wall, for how long he did not know. What he did know was that sometime later an awful thought entered his mind.
He never even said he loved her.
Over the next few chapters I will include what is going on with our girl revealing some of the 'mysteries' as well as cover what everyone in Port Charles is doing in reaction to her departure. Time will pass at various intervals; sometimes the chapter will be brief, such as this one, to set you up for the next, while other times the chapters will be long covering very little actual time at all. I will veer off the normal point of views to bring in others, present flashbacks and do things perhaps unexpected or seemingly pointless. I ask you to have faith I do have a plan (some where in the confines of my mind G), and bear with me as with spring break over and many end of the year projects to do the chapters wont be out as quickly as you'd like.
~Blood Rose~
It was so hard to let it show,
so hard to let you go
Pay close attention to the scars
Not to the lonely man caged in bars
Turn away 'cause the feeling has died
But before then, it was inside that I cried
(From Inside that I cried, writer unknown)
Chapter 9:
A small beach house stood solemnly against a gray sky. Beyond it the Pacific's slow, rolling movement could be seen matched by all the proper sounds and smells. Dark and lonely the house had sat uninhabited for over a decade but that was about to change.
Antoinette drove up a sandy road towards the house, stopping in front of it. Leaning back in her seat she sighed. It had been a long day of traveling and covering her tracks; she'd sold her car to a small dealership outside Port Charles, hoped long flights from Port Charles to Seattle under a name none would look for, then bought a new car to bring her here, to this secluded place, a place she never thought she'd return to.
She had to force herself to get out of the car and ascend the old wooden steps to the front door. Bending down she loosened a familiar board so she could retrieve an old key suspended from a hiding hook. Antoinette inserted the key, turned, and paused. She had never thought she'd come back here, to this house filled with so many memories, memories she would rather forget.
Pulling herself together she pushed forcing the stubborn door open and walked in to a room void of life.
She made her rounds about the house quickly, opening windows to get rid of the stale air, checking to make sure the electricity, phone, and water had been turned on, as they should have been. The place was clean, she'd picked a good maid, and obviously taken care of. Any damage that would have occurred through storms or simple age had been attended to as needed; she'd seen to it that it been cared for through all the years that had passed. Silly that she'd held onto the place, that she paid for it to be kept up. A symbol perhaps that she never really had let go, that there were things here she didn't want to let go of, parts of herself and her past.
Taking several trips from the car and back, bringing in her clothes, some food she'd picked up as well as other things she suspected she'd need. Well into the night she went about the house, putting things away. Though tired she dared not rest, it would be better if she pushed herself to a point where anything beyond the deepest sleep would be impossible. Strange she chose here to come to rest and hide when here lay the very cause of why she couldn't rest and what she had of long hid from.
There was one room, however, she did not touch, one room she did not enter. When she passed its closed entrance she skirted it as if out of habit. Though it was apart of the house she treated it as separate, something not there, something to be ignored. It was in that room that she most feared, dreaded, and wished to forget.
Meanwhile….
It hadn't taken long for Skye's departure to be spread to all those that mattered. After Jax, Rae had been to first to find out. When she'd gone to the townhouse she'd expected to find Jax hovering about Skye, waiting on her hand and foot, not staring blankly at a wall. He hadn't even gotten up to answer the door leaving her to come in on her on.
Upon seeing the lost look about him she'd immediately become worried, she'd frantically asked him what was wrong and in response he'd simple handed her the letter.
It didn't escape Rae's notice that the letter was neither addressed nor signed but she saw no significance in it reasoning that Skye had probably felt no need to, she didn't see that there might be a reason beyond the obvious.
Rae had quickly called Alan, who'd informed the rest of the Quartermaines who in turn informed others. Before noon had come and gone a gathering had descended upon the Quartermaine mansion to decide how to track Skye down, a task that would prove to be very difficult and perhaps outside of their reach.
So you want to know what aside from herself and her doctor no one else knows eh? Well I could have left it unsaid for a few more chapters but I figured I wouldn't be that mean, besides I've got plenty of other secrets I have no intention of letting you in on any time soon G.
~Blood Rose~
Be up, my soul! nor be afraid
Of what some unborn year may show;
But mind your human debts are paid,
As one by one the phantoms go.
(From Robinson, Edwin Arlington: Ballade by the Fire)
Chapter 10:
Dr. Jenison paced the length of her office, replaying her last conversation with Skye.
"They will not be told."
"They need to know, it's only a matter of time. What do you plan on doing, disappearing so they never know?"
"That is none of your concern Dr. Jenison…"
Although she knew it wasn't her fault, she very much doubted she'd planted the idea in her patient's head to disappear, she still felt responsible. She'd gone to great lengths to hid her patient's secret, fulfilling her wishes, but she'd always assumed it would be found out eventually and before it had become a crisis matter.
Now, however, she'd learned through hospital chatter that the chief of staff's daughter was gone, and had been gone for almost a week. She knew that they'd found her car in a used car lot and she'd been seen at the airport, but from there no one knew what had happened to her despite the various privately funded investigations going on. Her patient, now former patient, was gone and could very well die in a few months, and her family had no idea.
"Dammit Sheryl, they have to be notified, it might aid in finding her. Besides, Dr. Quartermaine is your superior and has access to all the medical files, so what I give him a push in the right direction, giving him the medical file wont be a preach of any protocol, so I know she doesn't want him to know, he could have easily found out if he bothered to look for the files, granted he doesn't know they exist…Shut up Sheryl! You are going to do this!"
Determined and set, Dr. Jenison set out to do something that would make her former patient hate her, most likely get yelled at by others for not doing it sooner, but all in all the thing that had to be done, at least that's what she kept telling herself.
Dr. Alan Quartermaine hadn't been of much use lately. He hadn't known what to expect after learning Skye was gone, that she hadn't trusted to come to him or anyone else with whatever it was that made her run away. He kept telling himself that all the various people he and Jax were paying to locate Skye would have some major break-through, that any moment the phone would ring telling him where his daughter was, that he could have her home by dinner time.
He didn't notice when someone knocked on his door, didn't notice when the opened it, it wasn't until he heard his name that he looked up.
"Dr. Quartermaine?"
In front of him stood his fellow worker, Dr. Jenison, whom appeared to be uncharacteristically nervous.
"Dr. Jenison, I'm sorry were we scheduled for a meeting, I-"
"No, I mean we weren't scheduled to meet for anything, I just-. Has there been any word on your daughter?"
Alan was taken slightly aback, he was aware that the news had circulated about the hospital but no one had actually come forward to say something outright.
"I know it's probably none of my business, she was my patient, I just wondered."
"Oh. Right. No, there hasn't been any word, outside of what I'm sure you've already heard through Amy." Alan attempted a smile and Dr. Jenison attempted to smile back, but the smiles weren't real, it showed.
"Is that all?"
"Oh, no, actually, I just-" Dr Jenison wasn't exactly sure what to say, how to put into words what needed to be said. She faltered as her boss looked at her with an odd expression of confusion and curiosity on his face.
"Here." She immediately chastised herself, 'here' like she couldn't say anything better as she held out a vanilla file.
"It wasn't the first time I saw your daughter, I mean when she was brought in, she'd come in before about something, I thought you should know." She tried to back up for her blunder as she watched her superior take the file. She opened her mouth to speak then shut it opting instead to simply excuse herself, leaving unnoticed while Dr. Alan Quartermaine read through his daughter's file and was shocked.
Across the country…
Antoinette stared at her own reflection while it stared back. Outside the sun was just beginning to rise, illuminating the bleak gray sky. She'd slept remarkably well considering where she was and everything that had been going through her mind of late, which wasn't really saying much. She had taken to wearing a royal blue dress shirt, Jax's shirt, which she'd brought with her. She found it comforting, his unique smell of soap and spices still lingered there, and if she tried hard enough she could almost imagine he was there with her, though in the long run it only made her hurt all the more.
Her reflection showed that she'd lost some of the healthy color the blood transfusions had brought to her checks though on a good note she was no where near the paleness that she'd had before collapsing. Her hair fell loosely about her head, her natural curls taking over, she'd decided it was a waste of time and energy to straighten it, especially as with the almost constant rain and moisture in that air it never stayed straight. She was thin, she found it remarkable that she'd lost weight while at the same time grown in her middle.
Laying a hand to her abdomen she smiled softly feeling the movement inside. It had to be the single most indescribably remarkable sensation, to feel a life growing inside oneself. She was about five months along now, it didn't surprise her that she showed very little, indeed if you did not know she was pregnant you probably wouldn't take any note of it. While some woman showed a great deal when they were with child, others very little and as she had expected to be of the latter.
Looking outside her window she noted it looked like rain, not that it ever didn't look like rain. She hoped it had come and gone before evening, she'd fallen into a pattern which included a slow walk north along the shore timed so she made her way back right as the sun was setting.
Her mind wandered back to Jax, clueless that he fathered an unborn child. She hated herself for not telling him, but the chances for survival were slim, she did not want to put him through the pain of loosing a child if she didn't have to, or of loosing her to death. No, it was better he did not know, that he knew only that she was gone from his life by her own choice. She could live with him hating her, never being able to forgive her for leaving. She had needed to leave anyways, there was much she needed to sort out for herself, things she couldn't discuss with him, things he couldn't understand, at least not while she couldn't understood it herself or come to terms with it, not that she ever really expected that she would.
A small shiver went down her spine, rubbing her arms with her hands, she crawled back into bed, it wasn't like she really needed to be up, she wasn't hungry yet or had anywhere to be. Again she wished it was Jax rubbing her arms, holding her close but she had made her choice and no matter how painful, she was determined to live with it, at least for while she really did still live.
~Blood Rose~
Chapter 11:
Rae raised a hesitant hand to knock on the door to the townhouse. Alan had immediately left the hospital and come to her hotel room to tell her of Skye's pregnancy and what it could do to her. Minutes had ticked by as she stared at him, unable to piece together in form of a sentence, or comprehensible thought. When at last the shock had worn off and then she'd been able to pull herself together after a release of emotions, she'd realized that Jax had to be told.
Alan had voiced that it would be best for her to tell him while he notified the Quartermaines, but she new he just didn't want to. She didn't really mind, having to be the one to tell Jax the news, it was only a matter of her being able to control herself. She'd always been good at keeping in touch with her emotions but at the moment that didn't seem like such a good thing.