One I know that you'll understand
You set the world in motion
by reaching out for each other's hands
Maybe we'll discover what we should've known all along
One way or another, together's where we both belong
If we listen to each other's hearts
We'll find we're never too far apart
And maybe love is the reason why
For the first time ever, we're seeing it eye to eye (1)
"Nuh-uh, Sou-chan, you're too clumsy to wash dishes," Misao was saying.
"As opposed to you breaking three of them at Kaoru-san's?"
Misao gave him a wicked fisheye.
"I see your point," Soujirou said quickly.
"But I suppose we can run you through a screen test..."
"Misao-chan! Misao-chan!"
"Is that...?"
They turned their heads to the source of the ecstatic voices. "Okon! Omasu!" Misao said with a twinge of sentimentality.
"Misao-chan! Misao-chan, you're back!" Okon said.
"Oh rapture! Our ever-revered okashira has returned!" Omasu gleefully said, although Misao noticed a lack of actual respect.
Nonetheless, Misao was glad to be with her Oniwabanshuu. She ran up to both of them and attempted to squeeze their lives out of them in one suffocating hug. Unsuccessful but content, she stopped to ask, "Where's Aoshi-sama?!"
"Hm. You didn't change at all," Okon said disapprovingly. "You didn't even introduce your friend."
"Oh. Sou-chan?" Misao grinned. "That's Seta Soujirou. Sou-chan, this is Okon and Omasu."
"Konnichiwa, Okon-san, Omasu-san," Soujirou said with a full-on kawaii smile.
"He's very polite. Konnichiwa, Soujirou-san!" Okon said. "Well, Misao-chan, just like you, Aoshi hasn't changed very much. He's still in his non-stop meditation phase."
"Hai. I'm kinda worried about him," Omasu added.
"Oh. Well you didn't expect him to just change his mind, did ya? Especially at my absence!" Misao said, chin held high. She glanced at the darkening atmosphere. "It seems like he'll be done for the day. Well? Let's go home!"
Led by the vivacious, bouncy okashira of the Oniwabanshuu, the troop made their way to the Aoiya.
"Misao-chan," Omasu said, coming into step next to Misao. "Not that I doubt you or anything, but did you get the money for the repair?"
"Of course!" Misao replied confidently. She turned to the man she gave the money to. "Jiya, did I get the money?"
"Yes, yes, Misao comes home with more than enough," Okina verified.
"Way to go, Misao-chan!" Omasu cheered.
"Ah well," Misao said breezily, (pretending to be) humble, "I couldn't have done it without Sou-chan here."
Soujirou modestly laughed. "Actually, she could have, only she'd have gotten it through different means…"
Misao made a face. "Stealing only crossed my mind once or twice," she informed them.
"Yep. Sure," muttered Okon behind a smile.
"Hey, stop picking on me, didn't-"
But Misao found out she couldn't speak anymore.
Everything around her seemed to freeze. Okon, Omasu, Okina, Soujirou were all suddenly without motion.
Time stood still for her, it seemed. Only the wind decided to tease her, blowing mockingly at her face. Laughing, all because he was standing there…
"Aoshi-sama…"
The one word she spoke most often tumbled awkwardly from her mouth.
Aoshi was staring.
Right through her.
"Soujirou," he said coolly, yet still displaying his disgust for the name. "Tenken no Soujirou."
"Shinomori Aoshi." Soujirou bowed calmly.
"Feh. What are you doing here?"
"Aoshi," Okina said, almost warningly.
"I - Misao-chan had offered this place as a temporary home for me," he answered as politely as his vague emotions allowed him. "I have no home. But I will not stay for a long time, I will be wandering again after a while."
Aoshi's attention turned to Misao. "Do you know who he is?" His usually cold, placid indigo eyes blazed as he spoke, piercing right through her heart.
"I know who he is. I know who he used to be," Misao said in an almost pleading tone. "But all you know is who he was."
"Is there anyone else to know?" Aoshi asked, back now turned.
"Yes, Aoshi-sama! He's different now! He's-"
"What he is now doesn't give retribution to what he was!" Aoshi said firmly. "How can you honestly live with yourself, Tenken? How blinded are you to believe that you can make up for your past crimes?" Stillness held them all as Aoshi walked away.
Everyone was silenced.
"So that's how Aoshi thinks, is it?…" Okon mumbled quietly.
Omasu shook her head. "Personally, I don't care all too much. Can you imagine him, not even welcoming Misao-chan back."
"Well, we can't blame him. I mean, all of a sudden, we bring home a ghost from the past he's desperately regretting," Misao said, instinctively defending Aoshi. "That's his life - meditating over what he did, and Sou-chan is a painfully obvious symbolism and reminder."
"It's amazing how intelligent you can get when it comes to that man," Okina commented wryly.
"What's that supposed to mean?!"
"Isn't he ever going to forgive himself?" sighed Okon.
Misao sighed as well. She turned to Soujirou, whose uncharacteristic excessive silence had began to bother her. "Hey, Sou-chan. That was just what Aoshi-sama believed, okay?"
All she got was a plain old smile and a quiet, "Hai."
At that time, Misao was overwhelmed with thoughts and decided it wasn't the best time to confront his extremely passive answer.
However, the heaviness in her heart was uplifted by the familiarity that met her eyes. She smiled uncontrollably as her eyes quivered.
It looked the same as always.
She hugged Okina. "We're home!"
The sudden voices captured a young man's attention. "Oi! Okina-sama! Misao-chan! Okon-chan! Omasu-koi!"
"Shiro! What's up, how-" Misao's eyes grew approximately thrice its original size as her jaw dropped to the floor. "Omasu…koi!?"
She watched dumbfounded as Omasu and Shiro hugged.
"What the hell is going on here?!"
Okon laughed. "Our poor clueless Misao… You see, while you were gone, Shiro and Omasu got together."
"No kidding. Hence the lovey-dovey reunion," Misao said, still slightly stunned. "Oboy. What next… Did you and Seijuro Hiko get married?"
"Actually…" Okon began coyly.
"You wish!" Omasu said.
"Hi there," Shiro said to the quiet boy at Misao's side.
"Oh! Ano… I'm Soujirou," Soujirou said, obviously distracted. He smiled at them, as usual. "I'll just be gone for a few minutes. I'll be back soon."
"Be careful, Soujirou, it's getting pretty dark," Okina said to the retreating boy.
"And don't you be trying to escape from me!" Misao called.
Soujirou laughed. "Perish the thought, Misao-chan."
When the young swordsman was out of earshot, Okina worriedly said, "Where can he be off to? He'll surely get lost in the darkness."
"Uh-uh… He'll know his way back. He always does," Misao assured them.
"But where's he going? He's never been here at all," Shiro wondered.
Misao shrugged, although wishing she had an answer. "Sou-chan's got a whole lot on his mind."
When Soujirou arrived at his destination, he kept a safe distance from the man whose back was turned from him. He patiently and quietly stared.
"What are you scheming, Tenken no Soujirou?" suddenly spoke the motionless figure.
"Nothing, Shinomori-san," Soujirou replied. "I actually wished to talk to you."
Aoshi got up smoothly, with his usual air of calmness. He walked towards the exit past Soujirou. "You wanted to speak with me?"
Soujirou easily caught up to him. "Hai."
"About what?" Now, Aoshi actually stopped walking, his deeply emotionless eyes glared at Soujirou, all attention towards the boy known to some as the Tenken.
"About what you said…" His smile was still ominously present, but his hesitation was written all over his face. "That you couldn't make up for what you did in the past."
"Hmph. I thought so." Aoshi glanced briefly at the sky. "You're young and foolish. How old are you, Tenken?"
"My name is Soujirou, Shinomori-san. I am 19."
"Sou ka. As I said, Soujirou," Aoshi continued, coldly playing with the last word, "you are young and naïve. You think that just because you've had a change of heart, you're free of the guilt your past sins caused you."
"I never thought of myself as free of guilt-"
"Then how do you explain that huge smile on your face?" Aoshi said, his nonchalant voice showing hints of disgust. "You obviously think that you can just put your past behind you, but you cannot."
Soujirou felt himself weaken. "I have not put my past behind me yet, demo, I want to make up for it."
"Make up for it?" Aoshi repeated, his air doing the mocking. "Do you think 'protecting the weak' now can justify the weak you've callously murdered before?"
"…I don't know… Shikashi, I'm doing the best I can for now. By living my life protecting people, my life could still serve some purpose."
Aoshi turned to him, now his glare was blatantly fierce. His scowl displayed the anger he had. For… for what? For Soujirou? For what Soujirou said?
...For himself?
"Fool! There IS no answer for us! For what we have done! Beshimi, Hyokotto, Shikijou, Hannya!!" Aoshi's fists were clenched tightly. "Everything I-cannot change and redo… How am I supposed to give retribution, what am I supposed to do?!"
Hesitantly, Soujirou gently spoke, "That is why I am wandering…"
"Your journey is worthless," Aoshi spat out. "You and Battousai… How can your wandering make your wrongs right?"
"It doesn't make anything right, nothing can make what I did right," Soujirou said, struggling to keep his smile. "But that doesn't mean I can't try to get my life straight. I was given something that could help people, and that's what I should do with it."
Looking more unaffected and more indifferent, Aoshi turned away. "It's meaningless. That can't bring back the lives of the people you killed."
"Well, neither would your meditating or hurting Misao-chan!" Soujirou managed to shock both Aoshi and himself.
In fact, at that, Aoshi turned sharply to gave him a thoroughly intense glare. "Meditation is important to me. It is only then I can find small salvations of peace, a way in which I can make peace with myself."
Soujirou neutrally said, "I respect that, but you still don't need to be so cold to Misao-chan."
"Cold? How am I cold to her?"
"Are you kidding me?!" He couldn't stop that one, but he caught himself. "Um. I mean... I don't mean to be rude but… well, you are her complete opposite. And she is a very warm and caring person."
"Do you honestly think I do not care for Misao?" Aoshi muttered to him. "And was this also part of your plan, Seta Soujirou, to lecture me on how to treat people?"
"No… but how you treat my friend is… unjustifiable."
Aoshi sneered and began to walk away. "Unjustifiable? Do you even know how I feel for her? She's like my little sister. Whose heart I cannot break."
"I'm sorry to be the one to tell you," Soujirou said, walking after Aoshi, "but you already have. It seems to me, on a daily or even hourly basis."
"I already told her that I wouldn't be able to feel for her in any other way, should I expect you telling me to have romantic interest for her?"
Soujirou was quiet. Speechless because of Aoshi's brutal honesty.
"I don't wish to hurt her, I honestly don't," Aoshi said. And either Soujirou was hallucinating, or losing his mind again, but it seemed as if Aoshi's voice had softened a bit. "But I don't deserve her."
Aoshi heard Soujirou's inadvertent gasp. "Wh-What do you mean?"
"Misao shouldn't be in love with a man who killed for no purpose, and did not feel a shred of emotion for who he killed or how many he killed," Aoshi said. "The man… without a soul."
"That's not true," Soujirou said softly. He glanced up at Aoshi's firm, expressionless face. "I know you. I know a lot about you. Traveling with Misao-chan, that's inevitable. I know how you became the okashira at the age of 15. That was pretty young, I was 15 just four years ago. And I bet, to be the okashira, you had to hide your emotions, didn't you?"
"Emotions. They're weaknesses-"
"You have emotions too, but like me, you keep them hidden under the façade you've grown to wear," Soujirou said, confident now. His smile dissolved into a thoughtful face, neutral and exhibiting older features.
Aoshi's jaw was set firm as he proceeded to stare down Soujirou. "You have no idea who I am."
"No, I guess not, Shinomori-san… But do you?"
Aoshi turned once again, the air tossing his hair as he walked away from Soujirou. "All I can say is that like you, I've done things that are totally unforgivable."
Soujirou didn't bother walking after Aoshi. His compulsory smile was currently absent from his face and was replaced by blatant twists of sadness and heaviness.
"Like you, I've done things that are totally unforgivable."
"You obviously think that you can put your past behind you, but you cannot."
Soujirou's heart grew weary as Aoshi's words hypnotically repeated themselves in his head.
"How can you honestly live with yourself? How blinded are you to believe that you can make up for your past crimes?"
'What's this?' he thought to himself. 'My eyes and throat hurt simultaneously. And my breathing … it's getting ragged. My head is getting entirely warm…'
Suddenly, he felt a light drop on his hair. He glanced up to the sky, which was darkly glancing back. The heavy clouds let it drizzle on Soujirou.
Soujirou walked back to the Aoiya, slowly. When he arrived, a storm had broken out, as well as inexplicable and uncontrollable tears.
"The… pain…" he choked out, as he clutched onto his gi and his chest. He could feel his heart racing and his temples throbbing. He couldn't feel any trace of strength or will to go inside the Aoiya.
"Pain…"
"Sou-chan? Is that you?"
Misao smiled at him, despite the look of concern that subconsciously crawled all over her face. "Where've you been?! Come in, you're wet!"
"Misao…" he said, voice cracking.
Now her concern was shown in a full-out expression etched on her face. "Sou-chan? Hey- Have you been crying?!"
"Get inside, you're gonna get wet," he said, smiling weakly. "I'll be right there."
"Are you insane?!" Misao replied. She ran to him and attempted to drag him by the collar. "Get inside or you'll get sick!"
"Go ahead. Please. I… I can't!"
"Daijoubu desu? Tell me what's wrong! Come on!"
Misao put her hands on Soujirou's chest and felt his heart beat increasing every minute.
"I- I-" he stammered.
"Sou-chan, what's wrong?" she asked again, in a tone so soft it almost didn't belong to her. She glanced up at him. He was surprised to see her usually-lively eyes now somber and tranquil.
"Ano… ano…" Tears found themselves escaping Soujirou's eyes again, too much to blend with the rain.
"Just tell me already!" She was about to beat the information out of him.
But the look on Soujirou's face... It led to a moment of supreme sacrifice. "I mean... Well, you don't have to tell me. But... you'll have to learn to stop hiding your emotions from people, because... because not everyone's going to hurt you." There's a brief pause, like she doesn't want to blurt out the wrong words. "I won't hurt you."
"...I know. I know that." Soujirou looked up. "I need to tell you something."
Misao nearly went weak with relief. She had said the right thing. "What's wrong? Was it Aoshi-sama?"
Images floated in his head, unforgiving, over and over.
... Iie! Iie!
... You little bastard, what-?!
... Dame, dame, dame!!!
His smile was shoved aside by a wincing, twisting look of pain that pulled at Misao's heart every time it grew.
"You… you're so innocent and kind," Soujirou said through gasps. Misao looked in confusion at his sweet, boyish face. "Compared to me."
"…Sou-chan…" Misao stroked his wet hair, her eyes asking him to continue.
"You don't know… what I've … done …" Soujirou whispered. "You don't … know what I did when I was a child. I was a … I was abused when I was a child …"
Misao's hand slid to his shoulder, as she listened intently, trying to decipher his words amongst whimpers.
"I … would cry every night. Then, my… my 'father'. He would see me… pathetic. Bawling, and saying that I'd tell someone about … what he was doing to me. Then he'd beat me up again. He… nobody… would care how much I suffered and cried.
"One day, I got so tired and weary of crying. So, I just stopped. I smiled. That man would give me this really strange look, and scold me, but then, he would stop hurting me. And even if he didn't hurt me, the smile I had would ease the pain a little." Soujirou's face made it appear as if he was reliving his father's blows and hits.
"What kind of father would do that?!" Misao said, seething.
"He only did it to me… I was the illegitimate, bastard son…"
Misao was quiet, not sure how to react to his revelations.
Soujirou sighed. "Shishio-san came to my life after some time. I stole bandages from my house to survive him. When he asked about my bruises out of concern, I told him about how I was always beaten up. That's when he taught me that the strong survive, and that the weak die.
"After that, my father found out that I was hiding a killer in our house. Shishio-san. And then, I killed my family."
Misao gasped, withdrawing her hands and taking a step back from Soujirou. "Gomen, Sou-chan. It's just that… I didn't know. I was surprised." She went closer to him once again then took his hand.
"It's okay. Wakarimashita. But that isn't even where it ended. Shishio-san trained me after that, and… and… and I became a murderer… And I didn't even feel anything!!!"
"It wasn't your fault!" Misao told him firmly. "Shishio was the one with the whacked-out ideas, and he raised you without letting you experience any emotions!"
With a hurt look, he replied, "Shishio-san did not have whacked-out ideas." He looked decided about his sentiments.
Misao bit her lip. "Well… it still wasn't your fault…" she said softly, hoping to retract the mistakes she made.
"Aoshi-san was right!" Soujirou said, almost screaming now. "I have no excuses for what I did! None! None."
Surprised at Soujirou's display of pain, Misao shut her eyes. She then threw her arms around him, in an almost protective embrace. Soujirou's damp eyes widened at the sudden feel of her arms around his body. "Maybe you do, maybe you don't! But I know for a fact that you've changed. And if you didn't, I don't think I'd ever have been as happy as I've been these past few months… You've changed, Sou-chan, I know it!!"
Trapped in shock, Soujirou was frozen. He was confused at the salvation he found in knowing that he had made Misao happy.
The rain kept blending in with his tears. But this time, he would not hide it. The tears were for his family, for the Juppon Gatana, for everyone he killed. The tears that were a sign of the strong emotion he felt.
Spend all your time waiting for that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There's always one reason to feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction, oh, beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight
In the arms of an angel, fly away from here…
From the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of an angel
May you find some comfort here (2)
author ramblings; I'm sorry if I made Aoshi-sama a semi-dick (imagine that). I [heart] Aoshi-sama (hence the suffix) but this is a Sou-chan fic…
notes;
(1) "Eye To Eye"; Goofy Movie
(2) "Angel", Sarah McLachlan; City of Angels