~Blood Rose~
Yet, love and hate me too,
So, these extremes shall neither office do;
Love me, that I may die the gentler way;
Hate me, because thy love is too great for me.
(Quote from John Donne)
Chapter 16:
He started at her, wanting to reach out to her but something held him back. He wasn't sure what he'd been expecting when he found her, happiness? Tears? Anger? He did know it wasn't this. This being the expanding silence, the cloudy unreadable look in her eyes, the lack of some tangible reaction. He took a moment to look at her, all of her. Her hair was loose in curling locks dancing in the wind. She looked fairly healthy, slightly pale but not anywhere near the color of death that she had been at Spoon Island. She wore a flowing spring dress that did nothing to hide her enlarged middle. His throat contracted, going impossibly drier, as he looked at the evidence of the child with in her.
He had been told she was pregnant, accepted it as fact but it had never been real to him, that she was carrying a child, his child. He realized for the first time not what that meant for her exclusively with her medical complications, but that she must have discovered morning sickness, mood swings, and all the other such experiences that came with being pregnant. How he wished he could have been there for him, but then again, he knew that she apparently hadn't wanted him there, that she had left by her choice. That knowledge had been the hardest to accept, and indeed, even now he didn't accept it, not really.
Antoinette stared back at him as he had started at him. She watched him as he surveyed her, took note as he looked at her enlarged middle with little actual surprise in his eyes. For some reason his lack of surprise really didn't surprise her, nor really did his presence. It was almost like she'd expected him to find out she was with child, his child, and to come looking for her and succeed, and perhaps in the forbidden parts of her mind she had. In the time since she'd left him she'd thought of him often, but never allowed her to think of him finding out, finding her, she hadn't wanted to deal with that possibility. However, he was here now and she had to accept it and deal with it, she would not run away again, it was too late for that.
Turning her head away from him, she spoke to him calmly in a voice betraying no clear emotion.
"You found me."
A simple statement, no hint of a question in her tone and requiring no response. He didn't.
"You know everything. I assume from Dr. Jenison."
Again a statement, she didn't feel there was a need to put it into a question. This time, however, he nodded.
"Why?"
She turned back to him uttering this word, this single, solitary word. Now he responded with words.
"You know why."
She smiled softly at him, a sadness held in the smile.
"Do I? Perhaps I do. But then that doesn't mean I couldn't hope you'd leave it alone. I wanted to be alone, I'd think that I made that clear."
"I have the right to be here."
She tilted her head to one side, looking at him, wondering why he was keeping himself in check, holding in all the sweet words she was sure he had planned on telling her. But then, she was sure he knew enough to know that right now that wouldn't work. There was much he didn't understand, he was aware of that, as was she, but she also knew he wanted to understand. The question became one of wither or not she would ever give him the chance to understand and at the moment, even she couldn't honestly say.
Sighing, she walked around him, heading up the wooden steps.
"There is a spare room, second door on the right down the hall. Your welcome to stay as long as you need to. Understand, my choices are my own."
She turned to him upon her last statement, looking at him a few steps bellow, waiting for a response. There had been a warning in her tone, and he was aware that right now it would be no use to argue with her and that to do so would only hurt.
"I understand."
Nodding, she turned back around and head up towards the house aware of him following behind.
She hadn't wanted to expect him, but here he was. He had wanted to expect a different reunion, but there wasn't one. All her efforts had been in disappearing and letting it be. All his efforts had been in finding her, and not letting it be. They were stuck together in a difference, like two sides of the same coin, bound in one yet different. There had been no real thoughts of what the actual reality would be if they met again, there was no knowledge to what their own moves would be let alone the moves to expect from the other. They were caught in a paradigm of uncertainty where only one thing was sure, that the next few weeks were to be the strangest, most emotional, and revealing weeks in either of their lives.
Yet, love and hate me too,
So, these extremes shall neither office do;
Love me, that I may die the gentler way;
Hate me, because thy love is too great for me.
(Quote from John Donne)
Chapter 16:
He started at her, wanting to reach out to her but something held him back. He wasn't sure what he'd been expecting when he found her, happiness? Tears? Anger? He did know it wasn't this. This being the expanding silence, the cloudy unreadable look in her eyes, the lack of some tangible reaction. He took a moment to look at her, all of her. Her hair was loose in curling locks dancing in the wind. She looked fairly healthy, slightly pale but not anywhere near the color of death that she had been at Spoon Island. She wore a flowing spring dress that did nothing to hide her enlarged middle. His throat contracted, going impossibly drier, as he looked at the evidence of the child with in her.
He had been told she was pregnant, accepted it as fact but it had never been real to him, that she was carrying a child, his child. He realized for the first time not what that meant for her exclusively with her medical complications, but that she must have discovered morning sickness, mood swings, and all the other such experiences that came with being pregnant. How he wished he could have been there for him, but then again, he knew that she apparently hadn't wanted him there, that she had left by her choice. That knowledge had been the hardest to accept, and indeed, even now he didn't accept it, not really.
Antoinette stared back at him as he had started at him. She watched him as he surveyed her, took note as he looked at her enlarged middle with little actual surprise in his eyes. For some reason his lack of surprise really didn't surprise her, nor really did his presence. It was almost like she'd expected him to find out she was with child, his child, and to come looking for her and succeed, and perhaps in the forbidden parts of her mind she had. In the time since she'd left him she'd thought of him often, but never allowed her to think of him finding out, finding her, she hadn't wanted to deal with that possibility. However, he was here now and she had to accept it and deal with it, she would not run away again, it was too late for that.
Turning her head away from him, she spoke to him calmly in a voice betraying no clear emotion.
"You found me."
A simple statement, no hint of a question in her tone and requiring no response. He didn't.
"You know everything. I assume from Dr. Jenison."
Again a statement, she didn't feel there was a need to put it into a question. This time, however, he nodded.
"Why?"
She turned back to him uttering this word, this single, solitary word. Now he responded with words.
"You know why."
She smiled softly at him, a sadness held in the smile.
"Do I? Perhaps I do. But then that doesn't mean I couldn't hope you'd leave it alone. I wanted to be alone, I'd think that I made that clear."
"I have the right to be here."
She tilted her head to one side, looking at him, wondering why he was keeping himself in check, holding in all the sweet words she was sure he had planned on telling her. But then, she was sure he knew enough to know that right now that wouldn't work. There was much he didn't understand, he was aware of that, as was she, but she also knew he wanted to understand. The question became one of wither or not she would ever give him the chance to understand and at the moment, even she couldn't honestly say.
Sighing, she walked around him, heading up the wooden steps.
"There is a spare room, second door on the right down the hall. Your welcome to stay as long as you need to. Understand, my choices are my own."
She turned to him upon her last statement, looking at him a few steps bellow, waiting for a response. There had been a warning in her tone, and he was aware that right now it would be no use to argue with her and that to do so would only hurt.
"I understand."
Nodding, she turned back around and head up towards the house aware of him following behind.
She hadn't wanted to expect him, but here he was. He had wanted to expect a different reunion, but there wasn't one. All her efforts had been in disappearing and letting it be. All his efforts had been in finding her, and not letting it be. They were stuck together in a difference, like two sides of the same coin, bound in one yet different. There had been no real thoughts of what the actual reality would be if they met again, there was no knowledge to what their own moves would be let alone the moves to expect from the other. They were caught in a paradigm of uncertainty where only one thing was sure, that the next few weeks were to be the strangest, most emotional, and revealing weeks in either of their lives.