Between the freezing needle, leafed trees,
Fate runs through deeply
Embracing wishes in vain as they burn in the storm's whirlpool…
The light is growing faint in the shout of my heartbeat…
I did not stop, I cannot escape it
Manipulated by illusion I keep on running
Only by probing for the way
Fearing that for me the future holds only mistakes
When will I be fully forgiven?
When will the end come?
So painfully I love you (1)
[Soujirou]
Soujirou folded the note as slowly as he possibly could. For as long as he was folding, he had a reason to stay within the Aoiya, without his conscience bugging him. But soon the note was so small that Soujirou had to hold it between the tips of his fingers.
'So, is it really time to leave?'
He stuck the note from inside the door. The door… he touched the wood, new and sturdy. It took all of his will power to step out of the room. He slid the door quietly. 'My smile is quivering,' he realized. He walks toward where his feet lead him, a rurouni-esque habit he picked up. His feet, probably encouraged by his heart, had led him to Misao's room. But his mind urged him to walk even further. Away, and away, until he couldn't see the Aoiya. Not once did Seta Soujirou look back.
The sun showed itself proudly, leaning on a perfect light blue, orange and purple sky. All the people moved through the soothing wind, letting its melody drown in with their cheerful chatter. The sakura tree blended in beautifully with the afternoon, hovering gracefully over the street market.
But Seta Soujirou was not satisfied.
Why wasn't he satisfied? Because there wasn't any lady who was screaming for his help. To catch this little thief who'd turn out to be female. Who'd turn out to…
"You are crazy," he told himself. "You'd even go through meeting Minako-san and Ishiida-san just to meet Misao all over again…"
It hadn't been the street market where he and Misao had met. In fact, the town he was at didn't even seem familiar to him. But every single thing kept reminding him of a certain person he left at the Aoiya.
He sighed. He knew he wasn't going to get anywhere if all he thought about was Misao. 'But then… I promised I wouldn't forget her.' He sighed again. 'And at the rate I'm going, it doesn't seem as if I have much of a choice.'
Though stricken with poverty once again, he entered a town restaurant and just sat there. He watched the people eat. He watched as some of them laughed, as some of them talked. As some of them were just spending time with each other. "Hey, boy, why so depressed?"
Soujirou glanced up at the unexpected voice. What he saw was a girl, perhaps a few years older than him, her brows furrowed in concern. "Etto…"
"Are you hungry?"
Soujirou glanced away and shook his head.
The girl tilted her head. "Aw, I bet you are. Come on, just tell me what you want. It's on the house."
After a moment, the girl patted his shoulder and smiled kindly at him. "Alright, hon… it'll be ready in a second."
"Huh?" sputtered Soujirou. But by then, the girl already left for his apparent order. "That's strange," he mumbled to himself. "I don't think I even ordered anything…"
The girl returned shortly, tray on her hand and a pitying smile on her face. "Here ya go, sweetie. Try to cheer up, okay?" She put down the tray in front of him then left.
Soujirou simply glanced at the bowl. Miso soup.
[Misao]
"Misao-chan? The food's ready!" Okon called from outside Misao's door.
No reply.
"She still might be asleep…" Omasu said helplessly.
"Or she might still be angry," Okon said, sighing.
"Damn it! It's been three days since Soujirou left! Isn't she over it yet?!" Shiro said through gritted teeth.
Kuro shook his head. "I've never seen her this mad before…"
"This isn't good!" Omasu exclaimed. "She's eaten three meals the past two days!" In despair, Omasu knocked firmly on Misao's door. "Misao-chan, come out right now! You can't bring Soujirou back that way!"
... "Please leave me alone." A lump was in Misao's throat. She tried to swallow it so she could talk, but she couldn't.
[Soujirou]
"It's been a week. A week..."
What had happened that week?
He had not eaten. He had not slept for very long.
He had not forgotten.
"This journey is useless! Meaningless!" Salty tears free flowed down his cheeks. "Just like… my life…" He fell on his weakened knees. "Shishio-san. Shishio-san, doko wa? Are you alright?" He clutched his head with his hands. "Shishio-san? Are you with Yumi-san? And Houji-san?
"How was your journey?" Soujirou laughed sardonically.
"Was it worth it, Shishio-san? Was everything worth it?" He saw a cliff. Soujirou laughed again, lost in a bout of insanity. "The cliff doesn't stop, does it? It meets right with the beautiful sky. So beautiful…
"To touch it would be paradise…"
Soujirou walked slowly towards the end of the cliff. He was surprised, for he had not been the only there. "Kami-sama."
"Soujirou… chan…" the surprised feminine voice continued. The voice that was altogether too familiar.
"Kamatari."
Kamatari looked at him. "It's here. It's my sign, isn't it?"
Soujirou was baffled. "Nani?"
Kamatari took a deep breath. "I'm gonna do it."
"Do what?"
Kamatari turned and gave Soujirou a once-over. "Soujirou? You look different."
"Honto ni?"
"Yeah. As if you've grown up."
"Well… we haven't seen each other for a very long time."
"Almost two years. Oh, no, that's not it. I know why you look different. You're not smiling."
And that was when he finally realized it. He wasn't smiling. Soujirou glanced away. "Where've you been?"
Kamatari shrugged, and smiled slightly. "Around."
"You're different as well. Your hair has grown longer, and you've grown much thinner," Soujirou noticed. "And your change is not physical alone. You're not as cheerful."
Kamatari snorted. "Well, I guess not. To tell you the truth, I've been thinking about really serious things," he confessed. "I've been looking for a sign."
"Yeah, the 'sign'… The sign for what?"
"If I should go and see Shishio-sama once again."
He closed his eyes suddenly, in recollection and in guilt. "But… Kamatari-san, gomen ne… Shishio-san is…"
"Shinta."
Soujirou's eyes snapped open. "You knew?"
Kamatari nodded.
"Chotto…" Soujirou said, through eyes visibly clouded by pain. "So when you said you were going to meet up with Shishio-san…"
Kamatari glanced up at the sky. "Shishio-sama said that he believed in hell." He laughed. "That's certainly where I'm headed."
"You can't be serious!"
"Eh? Why don't you think so?"
Soujirou shrugged weakly. "You have your life to live!"
"My life which is meaningless to myself if I weren't to be around him." Kamatari laughed. "Meaningful… Chou had come to me, telling me that I had a purpose in life… and it was to tell everyone about Shishio-sama. I told them. I told them. Nobody gave a rat's ass."
"But… you shouldn't give up, you know…"
"Sou. I shouldn't give up…" Kamatari looked at him seriously. "Do you know why I joined the Juppon Gatana, Soujirou? Did you know that I didn't give a rat's ass either, about the government?"
Soujirou shook his head quietly.
"I only cared about Shishio-sama. And though I still care about him, about what he wants… my life will never be meaningful to me, because I only know one purpose…"
"Kamatari-san, you never know! You might find someone else…"
Kamatari shook his head. "Some things you don't know, you feel."
"Kedo… there's so much more from life that you can get! So many things you'll miss! The sunsets, the-the trees, the other people-"
"But there is only one thing that I love," Kamatari said. "Try to understand, Soujirou. That is your life, this is mine. I have nothing left here in this world, nothing left to live for. All I needed was a sign to come along. And you did."
"I'm not a sign! Do I have big letters on my forehead telling yourself to commit suicide?!"
"Tell me Soujirou, why you came up to this cliff."
Soujirou hung his head in shame. "I… I was thinking of jumping off."
"Are you still going to?"
He wondered, how his plans had changed so quickly. "I guess not."
"Do you believe in fate?"
"Etto… I don't know…"
"Fate, it isn't the whole thing. It only takes you up to a certain point, and at that point, you will have to be the one to finish everything up. Destiny doesn't decide anything for you. It'll be your choices, your actions. We make our own fate, Soujirou."
Soujirou was, to say the least, surprised at the wisdom shining through Kamatari's eyes. He had nothing in response. "Kamatari-san."
"It was fate that brought you here. You, the boy who was always with Shishio-sama. And now, it's my turn to always be with Shishio-sama." Kamatari, with closed eyes, smiled, and caught the wind with his face.
With nothing left to convince Kamatari not to jump, he said in despair, "But what about Yumi-san? He loves Yumi-san."
"Kamawanai!" Kamatari yelled suddenly. "I love Shishio-sama! I want to be with him, even if he doesn't love me!"
"But why?! Wouldn't that just bring you more pain?"
Kamatari's head bowed down, eyes still shut. "This is my love for Shishio-sama. Even if he loves another, all I want to do is be there to love him."
Soujirou shook his head repeatedly. "But why?!"
"He has the biggest part of me."
Soujirou looked up at Kamatari, clueless and confused.
Kamatari turned away from Soujirou. "The biggest part of me..." he repeated, softly this time.
"Kamatari, dame."
"I've chosen my path. I've chosen my fate."
"Dame."
"I just need a favor from you."
"…Nani?"
Kamatari took a step closer to the edge of the cliff. "Don't follow me. Don't follow me. Choose your path well. Think of everything in that path you choose." He took another step.
"Dame."
"Remember always what I told you. To make the best of what fate has given you." Another step.
"Dame!"
"Do what will make you happy."
"Yamero!! You know I won't let you jump, Kamatari!"
Kamatari turned, now facing Soujirou. "Yeah. I know."
Soujirou breathed a sigh of relief. "Kamatari…"
"Sayonara, Soujirou." He smiled.
"Yamero!"
Kamatari let himself fall, as if he were plopping down to bed.
Soujirou heard his fading words, the words that drifted with him as he fell…
"Nanka… shiawase…" (2)
Soujirou ran to the edge of the cliff. "Kamatari!"
[Misao]
"She doesn't want to eat, Okina-sama," Okon said, almost apologetically.
"That girl…" Omasu sighed. "It's been so long."
"Well, we can't ask her to forget him overnight, y'know," Shiro said, although his weary voice wasn't very soothing.
"Overnight? It's been two weeks!" Okon replied.
Okina stood abruptly and left the room.
"Doushita?" Kuro called after him, but to no avail.
They pondered in silence, worried about their okashira, their Misao-chan.
Okina returned shortly, holding Misao - or a lump of flesh resembling Misao.
"Ohaiyo, Misao…" Shiro said softly.
The look on Misao's face screamed "proceed with caution".
"Daijoubu desu?" Omasu queried in concern.
"It's been two weeks…" Misao replied.
"And?"
"And I feel like shit."
Shiro placed a plate filled with rice cakes in front of her. "That's because you didn't eat lunch nor dinner yesterday."
"No, it's not, and you know it."
Exasperated, Okon glared fiercely at her. "Will you get over it?! He's coming back, okay?"
Not unexpectedly, that gave no comfort to Misao.
"Misao-chan!…"
Misao sighed, rubbing her sleep-deprived eyes. "Look, I'm sorry for worrying everyone. But I can't help it! Every time I try to sleep, I get insomnia. I get these images in my head… of … of that endearing smile on that angelic face…"
It was not quite what they imagined her to say.
"Misao…" Okina said, bold to speak the unthinkable. "You are developing feelings for Soujirou-kun, aren't you?"
Misao, realizing what she had said aloud, blushed slightly. "Sure, I care for him-"
"You know very well what I mean, Misao!" Okina interrupted her. His patience was running short. "Do you care for him… like you do for Aoshi?"
Misao gasped. "Of course not! What I feel for Aoshi-sama is different!"
"Maybe… But how different?"
[Soujirou]
Three weeks after Kamatari's death, Soujirou finally left the cliff. He had been staying there, thinking…
He was thinking about what Kamatari said.
"Why didn't I follow him? My life is useless. Yes, he told me not to follow him, but he also told me that the paths to take in my life are my own choices. I could've gone, and let go of my life as well.
"Do I value my life that much?"
"…Kamatari said that he had nothing left to live for in this world.
"Is that where we differ?
"Do I have something I cannot leave behind?
"…The strong shall live and the weak shall…
"…be protected. Oh yeah.
"The only thing that can atone for what I've done… is for me to live. To live my life for other people."
Soujirou had glanced up to the sky, his peripheral vision catching a bird in flight.
"Shishio-san. Himura-san told me that the weak don't have to die. They can just be protected.
"I thought nobody protected me.
"Kamatari-san, you told me that my fate requires my decisions.
"Shishio-san, I think I understand. You protected me. But I wasn't making my own decisions.
"What happened to me, what my family did to me… It wasn't fair. But the things I've done were just like that. I've done things I can't undo, or make up for. That is why, I will be strong. And I will protect, and not kill.
"Shishio-san…that is my decision."
With that, he had left the cliff and walked towards the town. His hunger was unfailingly there. But something more just welcomed itself to Soujirou.
…Soujirou was smiling again.
He passed by a restaurant and simply decided to go inside.
Suddenly, he heard cracking sounds from the top of the restaurant. He glanced up.
The sky was literally falling.
*KRrASsshhHKKKK!* Soujirou saw the roof fall, right before he felt a sudden weight on him. He saw a flash of blue, of slippers, of a long flowing braid…
Soujirou looked at the girl who landed on him.
"Sou-chan!"
Strange, how a single word made him spontaneously laugh and cry at the same time.
Misao hopped lithely off his arms and hugged him tightly.
Until someone tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, you, do you mind paying for the roof you just broke?!"
Misao waited outside after giving the man some money, and letting Soujirou, ever the smooth-talker, calm him down. As soon as Soujirou left the poor, destructed pile of rubble of a restaurant, he had to dodge five brand new kunai. He retrieved them all, in an attempt to return them to a pissed-looking Misao. "Well, I'm happy you're using my gifts." Misao glared him down. "Ano… well, if ever we need to earn money again, we can now certify that you're a professional roof-breaker."
Not even a smile.
"Just kidding."
She narrowed her eyes at him.
"Eh, Misao-chan, glaring nastily and doing the whole no expressions bit is Aoshi-san's job. You're more of a happy, or maybe even scream-at-me kind of person," Soujirou reminded her.
Finally, Misao approached him and grabbed his collar. "Did you know, you haven't even said SORRY to me?!"
"Ano… gomen ne."
Misao let go. "Did you know how worried we all were?!"
"Gomen…"
"Did you know how long it took me to find you?!"
"Gom-you were looking for me? But how did you find me?"
She hit his head, exasperated. "I'm Oniwabanshuu, baka, do the math!"
"Oh… Gomen."
"You've been gone for a month, Sou-chan. And you look pathetic."
Soujirou laughed, rubbing the back of his neck. Not knowing why he laughed.
"From now on, Sou-chan, I'm traveling with you, You're too poor to travel alone."
Suddenly he stopped laughing. "You can't…" he said meekly.
"Oh? I've been tracking you down to have you say you won't let me go with you?!" Misao looked at him dangerously.
Although feeling threatened under the heat of the new patented Misao Glare, he nodded. "I have to do this alone. I'm really, really sorry."
But she wasn't even listening. "Hey. You really do look pathetic, I wasn't kidding. Ano… I know the price of the kunai you bought me. And, well, it wasn't THAT much. So, how come you're completely broke?"
Soujirou blushed. "I, erm… bought something else. I gave it to Okina-san."
Misao eyed him suspiciously. "You said you didn't give anyone else anything."
"I didn't," replied Soujirou, as the grass suddenly appeared to be interesting. "It was for you, too."
"Really?! What what what?"
He stared at the ground, at his shoes, anywhere but her eyes. "I… can't tell you."
"Come on, onegai!"
After a wave of hesitation, he gave in. "I bought you a kimono."
A vein popped into Misao's head. "Would it be mine, or Jiya's interests at heart?"
"It was… it was for you. On your wedding, with Aoshi-san."
Misao's look softened. "Wedding?"
"I know he hasn't asked you yet, or hadn't-"
"Iie. Iie, he never asked…" she said softly.
Still stubbornly staring at the ground, he mumbled, "I just wanted you to remember me when, or, if ever that day would come, and I wasn't there."
"I searched for you all over Kyoto. Do you still think I'd have forgotten you?"
Reddening, he laughed. "I … guess not." He grinned. "I missed you so much." Realizing what he just said, he felt his cheeks heat up even more.
"So why won't you let me be with you on your journey?" she asked, her eyes almost pleading.
"I told you… I-"
"I'll give you space! I swear!" Misao stomped her feet on the ground stubbornly. "It doesn't matter if you leave me, anyway, I'll always catch up to you! I'm never giving up!"
Soujirou thought it would be easier to find an answer to his questions, compared to finding an answer to what Misao just told him.
Holding her shoulders, he said suddenly, "You'll only be more sad, Misao… Think about… Aoshi…"
"I have." Soujirou raised his eyebrows dubiously. "Sou-chan… thanks for the kimono and everything, but… But I don't think I'm marrying Aoshi-sama."
Soujirou felt a chill run up his spine. "Why? Why? What did he do?!"
"He didn't do anything," she said, surprised at his show of… protectiveness, if that's what you call it. She sighed. "He didn't do anything. It was me."
"It can't be you! You're too good-"
"I'm not sure if he even knows it," Misao continued. "I didn't know it, I just realized it…"
Soujirou looked at her, concern radiating from his eyes.
Misao blushed fiercely, with the same fierceness etched into her facial expression. "Don't you get it?! I'm willing to leave Aoshi-sama, to join you in your journey." It was Soujirou's turn to blush. "Wow, I can't believe I've found someone even more dense than-"
"I… I care for you… a lot… Misao-chan."
Misao looked up at him carefully. Waiting to hear more.
His eyes were shining, moist. Those eyes met hers. "I… I left Aoiya so quickly because… because you and Aoshi-san were happy, together. And I knew I would never be truly happy… because I… I… You don't need me. You have him, you love him…"
"No… That's not it at all…" Misao whispered. "Aoshi-sama… was my dream. My fairytale. And I got the happy ending I wished my whole life for," Misao murmured. "But… it wasn't so happy. I mean, I was thrilled. But when you left, it was like… none of it, none of it was worth anything. I didn't want to believe it at first, because that would mean that I wasted most of my life pining for a man I didn't love. But I finally understood. It was what I had to go through, to realize that the one that I, that I need…
"…is you…"
Soujirou felt tears on his neck as he held Misao.
He felt… he felt complete.
"Will you still… allow me to stay with you in Kyoto?" he whispered.
Misao looked up at him. "Stay? But, your journey…?"
Soujirou smiled. "Believe it or not, I've found some answers."
"So. You've finished wandering?"
"A girl told me once that journeys never end," Soujirou whispered. "After all, I still haven't found all answers. But I'm in no hurry. Because I know, they will come to me, some day."
Misao grinned at his optimistic sentiments. "Then, please. Stay with us in Kyoto."
"Misao-chan… I think… I think I've found a few pieces of myself. I found them when I was alone, and when I was with other people. But I think… you're the most important part of my life right now…" Soujirou struggled at first to find the words, but soon, they just flew out of his mouth. "The biggest part of me..." As soon as he said it, he knew why it sounded familiar. He paused for a comfortable fraction in time. "I know what I have to live for now."
Misao smiled through misty eyes. "...I think I do, too."
Soujirou reached for her hand. "Come on, let's go back to the Aoiya."
Misao squeezed his hand. "Let's go back home."
They headed to the Aoiya together. They held each others' hands tightly, not wanting to let go.
Wanting to make the journey beside one another.
Soujirou smiled, the happiest smile possible.
Soujirou's journey just got a new path.
One step at a time, one whole then another
Who knows where this road may go
Back to who I was, own to find my future
Still my heart needs to know
Yes let this be a sign, let this road be mine,
Let it lead me to my past
Coruage see me through, heart I'm trusting you
To bring me home
At last (3)
author ramblings; *confetti* *balloons* *fireworks* *streamers* *noise-makers* *chorus of angels* It's done! And, now, on with the regular programming… *trumpet* *floats*
Fate runs through deeply
Embracing wishes in vain as they burn in the storm's whirlpool…
The light is growing faint in the shout of my heartbeat…
I did not stop, I cannot escape it
Manipulated by illusion I keep on running
Only by probing for the way
Fearing that for me the future holds only mistakes
When will I be fully forgiven?
When will the end come?
So painfully I love you (1)
[Soujirou]
Soujirou folded the note as slowly as he possibly could. For as long as he was folding, he had a reason to stay within the Aoiya, without his conscience bugging him. But soon the note was so small that Soujirou had to hold it between the tips of his fingers.
'So, is it really time to leave?'
He stuck the note from inside the door. The door… he touched the wood, new and sturdy. It took all of his will power to step out of the room. He slid the door quietly. 'My smile is quivering,' he realized. He walks toward where his feet lead him, a rurouni-esque habit he picked up. His feet, probably encouraged by his heart, had led him to Misao's room. But his mind urged him to walk even further. Away, and away, until he couldn't see the Aoiya. Not once did Seta Soujirou look back.
The sun showed itself proudly, leaning on a perfect light blue, orange and purple sky. All the people moved through the soothing wind, letting its melody drown in with their cheerful chatter. The sakura tree blended in beautifully with the afternoon, hovering gracefully over the street market.
But Seta Soujirou was not satisfied.
Why wasn't he satisfied? Because there wasn't any lady who was screaming for his help. To catch this little thief who'd turn out to be female. Who'd turn out to…
"You are crazy," he told himself. "You'd even go through meeting Minako-san and Ishiida-san just to meet Misao all over again…"
It hadn't been the street market where he and Misao had met. In fact, the town he was at didn't even seem familiar to him. But every single thing kept reminding him of a certain person he left at the Aoiya.
He sighed. He knew he wasn't going to get anywhere if all he thought about was Misao. 'But then… I promised I wouldn't forget her.' He sighed again. 'And at the rate I'm going, it doesn't seem as if I have much of a choice.'
Though stricken with poverty once again, he entered a town restaurant and just sat there. He watched the people eat. He watched as some of them laughed, as some of them talked. As some of them were just spending time with each other. "Hey, boy, why so depressed?"
Soujirou glanced up at the unexpected voice. What he saw was a girl, perhaps a few years older than him, her brows furrowed in concern. "Etto…"
"Are you hungry?"
Soujirou glanced away and shook his head.
The girl tilted her head. "Aw, I bet you are. Come on, just tell me what you want. It's on the house."
After a moment, the girl patted his shoulder and smiled kindly at him. "Alright, hon… it'll be ready in a second."
"Huh?" sputtered Soujirou. But by then, the girl already left for his apparent order. "That's strange," he mumbled to himself. "I don't think I even ordered anything…"
The girl returned shortly, tray on her hand and a pitying smile on her face. "Here ya go, sweetie. Try to cheer up, okay?" She put down the tray in front of him then left.
Soujirou simply glanced at the bowl. Miso soup.
[Misao]
"Misao-chan? The food's ready!" Okon called from outside Misao's door.
No reply.
"She still might be asleep…" Omasu said helplessly.
"Or she might still be angry," Okon said, sighing.
"Damn it! It's been three days since Soujirou left! Isn't she over it yet?!" Shiro said through gritted teeth.
Kuro shook his head. "I've never seen her this mad before…"
"This isn't good!" Omasu exclaimed. "She's eaten three meals the past two days!" In despair, Omasu knocked firmly on Misao's door. "Misao-chan, come out right now! You can't bring Soujirou back that way!"
... "Please leave me alone." A lump was in Misao's throat. She tried to swallow it so she could talk, but she couldn't.
[Soujirou]
"It's been a week. A week..."
What had happened that week?
He had not eaten. He had not slept for very long.
He had not forgotten.
"This journey is useless! Meaningless!" Salty tears free flowed down his cheeks. "Just like… my life…" He fell on his weakened knees. "Shishio-san. Shishio-san, doko wa? Are you alright?" He clutched his head with his hands. "Shishio-san? Are you with Yumi-san? And Houji-san?
"How was your journey?" Soujirou laughed sardonically.
"Was it worth it, Shishio-san? Was everything worth it?" He saw a cliff. Soujirou laughed again, lost in a bout of insanity. "The cliff doesn't stop, does it? It meets right with the beautiful sky. So beautiful…
"To touch it would be paradise…"
Soujirou walked slowly towards the end of the cliff. He was surprised, for he had not been the only there. "Kami-sama."
"Soujirou… chan…" the surprised feminine voice continued. The voice that was altogether too familiar.
"Kamatari."
Kamatari looked at him. "It's here. It's my sign, isn't it?"
Soujirou was baffled. "Nani?"
Kamatari took a deep breath. "I'm gonna do it."
"Do what?"
Kamatari turned and gave Soujirou a once-over. "Soujirou? You look different."
"Honto ni?"
"Yeah. As if you've grown up."
"Well… we haven't seen each other for a very long time."
"Almost two years. Oh, no, that's not it. I know why you look different. You're not smiling."
And that was when he finally realized it. He wasn't smiling. Soujirou glanced away. "Where've you been?"
Kamatari shrugged, and smiled slightly. "Around."
"You're different as well. Your hair has grown longer, and you've grown much thinner," Soujirou noticed. "And your change is not physical alone. You're not as cheerful."
Kamatari snorted. "Well, I guess not. To tell you the truth, I've been thinking about really serious things," he confessed. "I've been looking for a sign."
"Yeah, the 'sign'… The sign for what?"
"If I should go and see Shishio-sama once again."
He closed his eyes suddenly, in recollection and in guilt. "But… Kamatari-san, gomen ne… Shishio-san is…"
"Shinta."
Soujirou's eyes snapped open. "You knew?"
Kamatari nodded.
"Chotto…" Soujirou said, through eyes visibly clouded by pain. "So when you said you were going to meet up with Shishio-san…"
Kamatari glanced up at the sky. "Shishio-sama said that he believed in hell." He laughed. "That's certainly where I'm headed."
"You can't be serious!"
"Eh? Why don't you think so?"
Soujirou shrugged weakly. "You have your life to live!"
"My life which is meaningless to myself if I weren't to be around him." Kamatari laughed. "Meaningful… Chou had come to me, telling me that I had a purpose in life… and it was to tell everyone about Shishio-sama. I told them. I told them. Nobody gave a rat's ass."
"But… you shouldn't give up, you know…"
"Sou. I shouldn't give up…" Kamatari looked at him seriously. "Do you know why I joined the Juppon Gatana, Soujirou? Did you know that I didn't give a rat's ass either, about the government?"
Soujirou shook his head quietly.
"I only cared about Shishio-sama. And though I still care about him, about what he wants… my life will never be meaningful to me, because I only know one purpose…"
"Kamatari-san, you never know! You might find someone else…"
Kamatari shook his head. "Some things you don't know, you feel."
"Kedo… there's so much more from life that you can get! So many things you'll miss! The sunsets, the-the trees, the other people-"
"But there is only one thing that I love," Kamatari said. "Try to understand, Soujirou. That is your life, this is mine. I have nothing left here in this world, nothing left to live for. All I needed was a sign to come along. And you did."
"I'm not a sign! Do I have big letters on my forehead telling yourself to commit suicide?!"
"Tell me Soujirou, why you came up to this cliff."
Soujirou hung his head in shame. "I… I was thinking of jumping off."
"Are you still going to?"
He wondered, how his plans had changed so quickly. "I guess not."
"Do you believe in fate?"
"Etto… I don't know…"
"Fate, it isn't the whole thing. It only takes you up to a certain point, and at that point, you will have to be the one to finish everything up. Destiny doesn't decide anything for you. It'll be your choices, your actions. We make our own fate, Soujirou."
Soujirou was, to say the least, surprised at the wisdom shining through Kamatari's eyes. He had nothing in response. "Kamatari-san."
"It was fate that brought you here. You, the boy who was always with Shishio-sama. And now, it's my turn to always be with Shishio-sama." Kamatari, with closed eyes, smiled, and caught the wind with his face.
With nothing left to convince Kamatari not to jump, he said in despair, "But what about Yumi-san? He loves Yumi-san."
"Kamawanai!" Kamatari yelled suddenly. "I love Shishio-sama! I want to be with him, even if he doesn't love me!"
"But why?! Wouldn't that just bring you more pain?"
Kamatari's head bowed down, eyes still shut. "This is my love for Shishio-sama. Even if he loves another, all I want to do is be there to love him."
Soujirou shook his head repeatedly. "But why?!"
"He has the biggest part of me."
Soujirou looked up at Kamatari, clueless and confused.
Kamatari turned away from Soujirou. "The biggest part of me..." he repeated, softly this time.
"Kamatari, dame."
"I've chosen my path. I've chosen my fate."
"Dame."
"I just need a favor from you."
"…Nani?"
Kamatari took a step closer to the edge of the cliff. "Don't follow me. Don't follow me. Choose your path well. Think of everything in that path you choose." He took another step.
"Dame."
"Remember always what I told you. To make the best of what fate has given you." Another step.
"Dame!"
"Do what will make you happy."
"Yamero!! You know I won't let you jump, Kamatari!"
Kamatari turned, now facing Soujirou. "Yeah. I know."
Soujirou breathed a sigh of relief. "Kamatari…"
"Sayonara, Soujirou." He smiled.
"Yamero!"
Kamatari let himself fall, as if he were plopping down to bed.
Soujirou heard his fading words, the words that drifted with him as he fell…
"Nanka… shiawase…" (2)
Soujirou ran to the edge of the cliff. "Kamatari!"
[Misao]
"She doesn't want to eat, Okina-sama," Okon said, almost apologetically.
"That girl…" Omasu sighed. "It's been so long."
"Well, we can't ask her to forget him overnight, y'know," Shiro said, although his weary voice wasn't very soothing.
"Overnight? It's been two weeks!" Okon replied.
Okina stood abruptly and left the room.
"Doushita?" Kuro called after him, but to no avail.
They pondered in silence, worried about their okashira, their Misao-chan.
Okina returned shortly, holding Misao - or a lump of flesh resembling Misao.
"Ohaiyo, Misao…" Shiro said softly.
The look on Misao's face screamed "proceed with caution".
"Daijoubu desu?" Omasu queried in concern.
"It's been two weeks…" Misao replied.
"And?"
"And I feel like shit."
Shiro placed a plate filled with rice cakes in front of her. "That's because you didn't eat lunch nor dinner yesterday."
"No, it's not, and you know it."
Exasperated, Okon glared fiercely at her. "Will you get over it?! He's coming back, okay?"
Not unexpectedly, that gave no comfort to Misao.
"Misao-chan!…"
Misao sighed, rubbing her sleep-deprived eyes. "Look, I'm sorry for worrying everyone. But I can't help it! Every time I try to sleep, I get insomnia. I get these images in my head… of … of that endearing smile on that angelic face…"
It was not quite what they imagined her to say.
"Misao…" Okina said, bold to speak the unthinkable. "You are developing feelings for Soujirou-kun, aren't you?"
Misao, realizing what she had said aloud, blushed slightly. "Sure, I care for him-"
"You know very well what I mean, Misao!" Okina interrupted her. His patience was running short. "Do you care for him… like you do for Aoshi?"
Misao gasped. "Of course not! What I feel for Aoshi-sama is different!"
"Maybe… But how different?"
[Soujirou]
Three weeks after Kamatari's death, Soujirou finally left the cliff. He had been staying there, thinking…
He was thinking about what Kamatari said.
"Why didn't I follow him? My life is useless. Yes, he told me not to follow him, but he also told me that the paths to take in my life are my own choices. I could've gone, and let go of my life as well.
"Do I value my life that much?"
"…Kamatari said that he had nothing left to live for in this world.
"Is that where we differ?
"Do I have something I cannot leave behind?
"…The strong shall live and the weak shall…
"…be protected. Oh yeah.
"The only thing that can atone for what I've done… is for me to live. To live my life for other people."
Soujirou had glanced up to the sky, his peripheral vision catching a bird in flight.
"Shishio-san. Himura-san told me that the weak don't have to die. They can just be protected.
"I thought nobody protected me.
"Kamatari-san, you told me that my fate requires my decisions.
"Shishio-san, I think I understand. You protected me. But I wasn't making my own decisions.
"What happened to me, what my family did to me… It wasn't fair. But the things I've done were just like that. I've done things I can't undo, or make up for. That is why, I will be strong. And I will protect, and not kill.
"Shishio-san…that is my decision."
With that, he had left the cliff and walked towards the town. His hunger was unfailingly there. But something more just welcomed itself to Soujirou.
…Soujirou was smiling again.
He passed by a restaurant and simply decided to go inside.
Suddenly, he heard cracking sounds from the top of the restaurant. He glanced up.
The sky was literally falling.
*KRrASsshhHKKKK!* Soujirou saw the roof fall, right before he felt a sudden weight on him. He saw a flash of blue, of slippers, of a long flowing braid…
Soujirou looked at the girl who landed on him.
"Sou-chan!"
Strange, how a single word made him spontaneously laugh and cry at the same time.
Misao hopped lithely off his arms and hugged him tightly.
Until someone tapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, you, do you mind paying for the roof you just broke?!"
Misao waited outside after giving the man some money, and letting Soujirou, ever the smooth-talker, calm him down. As soon as Soujirou left the poor, destructed pile of rubble of a restaurant, he had to dodge five brand new kunai. He retrieved them all, in an attempt to return them to a pissed-looking Misao. "Well, I'm happy you're using my gifts." Misao glared him down. "Ano… well, if ever we need to earn money again, we can now certify that you're a professional roof-breaker."
Not even a smile.
"Just kidding."
She narrowed her eyes at him.
"Eh, Misao-chan, glaring nastily and doing the whole no expressions bit is Aoshi-san's job. You're more of a happy, or maybe even scream-at-me kind of person," Soujirou reminded her.
Finally, Misao approached him and grabbed his collar. "Did you know, you haven't even said SORRY to me?!"
"Ano… gomen ne."
Misao let go. "Did you know how worried we all were?!"
"Gomen…"
"Did you know how long it took me to find you?!"
"Gom-you were looking for me? But how did you find me?"
She hit his head, exasperated. "I'm Oniwabanshuu, baka, do the math!"
"Oh… Gomen."
"You've been gone for a month, Sou-chan. And you look pathetic."
Soujirou laughed, rubbing the back of his neck. Not knowing why he laughed.
"From now on, Sou-chan, I'm traveling with you, You're too poor to travel alone."
Suddenly he stopped laughing. "You can't…" he said meekly.
"Oh? I've been tracking you down to have you say you won't let me go with you?!" Misao looked at him dangerously.
Although feeling threatened under the heat of the new patented Misao Glare, he nodded. "I have to do this alone. I'm really, really sorry."
But she wasn't even listening. "Hey. You really do look pathetic, I wasn't kidding. Ano… I know the price of the kunai you bought me. And, well, it wasn't THAT much. So, how come you're completely broke?"
Soujirou blushed. "I, erm… bought something else. I gave it to Okina-san."
Misao eyed him suspiciously. "You said you didn't give anyone else anything."
"I didn't," replied Soujirou, as the grass suddenly appeared to be interesting. "It was for you, too."
"Really?! What what what?"
He stared at the ground, at his shoes, anywhere but her eyes. "I… can't tell you."
"Come on, onegai!"
After a wave of hesitation, he gave in. "I bought you a kimono."
A vein popped into Misao's head. "Would it be mine, or Jiya's interests at heart?"
"It was… it was for you. On your wedding, with Aoshi-san."
Misao's look softened. "Wedding?"
"I know he hasn't asked you yet, or hadn't-"
"Iie. Iie, he never asked…" she said softly.
Still stubbornly staring at the ground, he mumbled, "I just wanted you to remember me when, or, if ever that day would come, and I wasn't there."
"I searched for you all over Kyoto. Do you still think I'd have forgotten you?"
Reddening, he laughed. "I … guess not." He grinned. "I missed you so much." Realizing what he just said, he felt his cheeks heat up even more.
"So why won't you let me be with you on your journey?" she asked, her eyes almost pleading.
"I told you… I-"
"I'll give you space! I swear!" Misao stomped her feet on the ground stubbornly. "It doesn't matter if you leave me, anyway, I'll always catch up to you! I'm never giving up!"
Soujirou thought it would be easier to find an answer to his questions, compared to finding an answer to what Misao just told him.
Holding her shoulders, he said suddenly, "You'll only be more sad, Misao… Think about… Aoshi…"
"I have." Soujirou raised his eyebrows dubiously. "Sou-chan… thanks for the kimono and everything, but… But I don't think I'm marrying Aoshi-sama."
Soujirou felt a chill run up his spine. "Why? Why? What did he do?!"
"He didn't do anything," she said, surprised at his show of… protectiveness, if that's what you call it. She sighed. "He didn't do anything. It was me."
"It can't be you! You're too good-"
"I'm not sure if he even knows it," Misao continued. "I didn't know it, I just realized it…"
Soujirou looked at her, concern radiating from his eyes.
Misao blushed fiercely, with the same fierceness etched into her facial expression. "Don't you get it?! I'm willing to leave Aoshi-sama, to join you in your journey." It was Soujirou's turn to blush. "Wow, I can't believe I've found someone even more dense than-"
"I… I care for you… a lot… Misao-chan."
Misao looked up at him carefully. Waiting to hear more.
His eyes were shining, moist. Those eyes met hers. "I… I left Aoiya so quickly because… because you and Aoshi-san were happy, together. And I knew I would never be truly happy… because I… I… You don't need me. You have him, you love him…"
"No… That's not it at all…" Misao whispered. "Aoshi-sama… was my dream. My fairytale. And I got the happy ending I wished my whole life for," Misao murmured. "But… it wasn't so happy. I mean, I was thrilled. But when you left, it was like… none of it, none of it was worth anything. I didn't want to believe it at first, because that would mean that I wasted most of my life pining for a man I didn't love. But I finally understood. It was what I had to go through, to realize that the one that I, that I need…
"…is you…"
Soujirou felt tears on his neck as he held Misao.
He felt… he felt complete.
"Will you still… allow me to stay with you in Kyoto?" he whispered.
Misao looked up at him. "Stay? But, your journey…?"
Soujirou smiled. "Believe it or not, I've found some answers."
"So. You've finished wandering?"
"A girl told me once that journeys never end," Soujirou whispered. "After all, I still haven't found all answers. But I'm in no hurry. Because I know, they will come to me, some day."
Misao grinned at his optimistic sentiments. "Then, please. Stay with us in Kyoto."
"Misao-chan… I think… I think I've found a few pieces of myself. I found them when I was alone, and when I was with other people. But I think… you're the most important part of my life right now…" Soujirou struggled at first to find the words, but soon, they just flew out of his mouth. "The biggest part of me..." As soon as he said it, he knew why it sounded familiar. He paused for a comfortable fraction in time. "I know what I have to live for now."
Misao smiled through misty eyes. "...I think I do, too."
Soujirou reached for her hand. "Come on, let's go back to the Aoiya."
Misao squeezed his hand. "Let's go back home."
They headed to the Aoiya together. They held each others' hands tightly, not wanting to let go.
Wanting to make the journey beside one another.
Soujirou smiled, the happiest smile possible.
Soujirou's journey just got a new path.
One step at a time, one whole then another
Who knows where this road may go
Back to who I was, own to find my future
Still my heart needs to know
Yes let this be a sign, let this road be mine,
Let it lead me to my past
Coruage see me through, heart I'm trusting you
To bring me home
At last (3)
author ramblings; *confetti* *balloons* *fireworks* *streamers* *noise-makers* *chorus of angels* It's done! And, now, on with the regular programming… *trumpet* *floats*
Many thanks to all who have reviewed the story and supported it, especially meling-sama, Chaos and Lily with their encouraging e-mails. You all have made this fun to write! ^_^ If I have enough time, I promise to follow this up with a sequel. ^_^
notes;
1 "Fate", L'Arc~en~Ciel
2 Yup, it's the title of the opening song of flame of recca/rekka no honoo.
3 Again, it's from "Journey to the Past"; Anastasia