~Blood Rose~
Remember that I love you,
as your lifeless body I hold.
Remember that I love you,
as you walk down streets of gold.
(From Kinsey, Rachel: Remember that I Love You)
Chapter 20:
Antoinette had stayed at the destination of her walk later than usual, needing to be there a little longer after being in town with Jax, seeing their child kicking and moving. The sun had disappeared over the horizon and she half expected to come across Jax on her way back, worried at her lateness. She wasn't sure what to feel when she didn't see him, she hadn't wanted him here with her, she didn't want to cause him that pain. She hadn't wanted to cause him any pain though she knew she would when she left, but she had thought it would be better, that in the long run she would be saving him some pain not watching her die and possibly their child.
She climbed the wooden steps up to the beach house. She had once said that she didn't have a home, that she never really had had one, she had lied. This place was once her home in every way, she had been so happy here, a happiness she had never expected to receive, a happiness she never expected to have again. As she approached the back door, she couldn't help but notice some of the foreboding she had felt before was gone, and had been gone for quite some time, ever since he had come.
She was grateful for him being here, for his unspoken support and care. It made her feel safe having him there, a comfort that no matter what happened he would make sure their child would live and be happy, though she would not be there to see it. Such thoughts only made her feel worse, that she got so much from his presence and all he received was pain. True she was also in pain, pains she had always carried buried with in her depths brought out in her circumstance.
Upon walking into the house, quickly passing the threshold, she was surprised to find that Jax wasn't there and briefly wondered if he had left her, not that she deserved him to stay or that for one moment truly believed he really would leave, she knew better. She called out to him, walking into the living room, then stopped short.
He was asleep on the couch, sprawled out with one of her child development books beside him. She smiled looking at him, feeling guilty that he had not gotten the sleep he needed last night. Crossing the distance between them she gently lifted the book out of his sleeping grasp and set it on the ground, kneeling beside him.
"I do love you, you know," she whispered to his sleeping body, reaching up a gentle hand to trace the outline of his face, careful not to wake him. Laying her head beside his, she watched him sleep from the gentle rise and fall of his chest to his occasional head movement.
She knew that keeping him closed off was hurting him, knew that he deserved more.
Long ago she had closed the door to her soul, not just from those around her but in a way to herself. Now in her current circumstance the only half healed wounds and her greatest pains that had never truly been far were seeping out from the boundaries she had set, making her relive so many emotions she had tried to forget. She wanted to be able to explain to him that nothing was about him, wanted to get him to understand to leave it be, though she knew he wouldn't.
Only a few hours before she had been thinking that she owed him at least some explanation, something to ease the pain she was causing him. But how could she let him in to things she herself refused to relive? She was torn within herself, wanting to protect herself as well as him, protect him from knowing everything about her, and undoing some of the pain she'd caused even at the price of her own. The situation was so complicated, with so many unknowns.
Somehow she had to attempt to meet him halfway, she couldn't bear the pain she was causing him and perhaps letting him in with what she could handle would help her too. Jax had proven to her that he was capable of more understanding then she had ever received before, maybe if she let him in a little he could get a broad enough grasp that she needed to be cold in some ways, that she was handling so much more than he thought, and with him understanding that she wouldn't feel the guilt that had been plaguing her with every glance at him.
Her thoughts were confusing, filled with so much she couldn't deal with and so much she herself didn't really understand. Watching him sleeping there, so close before her, she steeled herself to take a leap of faith.
"Jax?" She stood up, leaning over him, gently shaking him, too afraid to not take action while she felt she had the strength, the ability to do what she was about to do.
Jax opened his eyes groggily, looking up to find Skye looking down at him, an uneasy look in her eyes. He got up quickly, standing beside her a thousand thoughts of worry crossing his mind.
"Skye, is everything alright? Are you ok?" He looked deep into her eyes, searching for answers to his questions, slightly relaxing when she gave him a negative response
She took his hands in hers and began walking backwards, pulling him along.
"Come with me, please?"
There was almost a sense of desperation in her eyes, a begging quality that scared him.
"Of course, where are we going?"
"Just follow."
She released his hands, turning her back to him and heading out of the house, and down towards the beach.
Jax wasn't sure where she was taking him, he guessed to where ever she went on her long walks. She was barefoot, walking with in the wake of the gentle waves several feet ahead of him, not bothering to look back to make sure he was still there, trusting he wouldn't leave. He was surprised when she wordlessly turned from the beach, heading for a grassy embankment. There was a sandy trail slanting up it, which led Skye, and himself, to the top.
She waited for him there as he caught up with her, then headed off again, her eyes on the worn path before her. He took a moment to follow her, his gaze had gone away from her, following the half hidden trail to it's destination. A graveyard.
He quickly caught up with her, trudging through the grasses in order to be at her side. He didn't dare say anything, it was obvious to him that whatever she had set her mind to was taking a lot out of her, subject to change if her resolve fell.
Upon reaching the fence surrounding the graveyard Jax felt an involuntary chill go down his spine. The sun had already disappeared below the horizon when they'd began their journey and it was getting increasingly dark. He was glad that it was on uncommonly clear night allowing the shining stars and bright half moon light the landscape around them. He stepped a little closer to Skye has she reached out to push open the gate before her, and stayed close to her as they walked pass numerous graves, unable to keep from remembering his nightmare from months ago.
Antoinette was aware of Jax beside her, walking with her stride for stride. She knew where she was going, a blindfold would not have slowed her pace, she knew every step by heart. She quickly passed by a number of graves, only one held meaning to her, one small grave set under a tree in the corner marking a piece of her heart.
She slowed as she approached, stopping Jax with a glance, communicating with her eyes for him to wait. She approached the gleaming granite, settling to her knees before it. She reached out and traced the familiar words engraved upon it.
Roslyn Anglique
Patterson
'In Heaven with Wings'
Turning away from the grave she found Jax standing patently a few feet away. She held out a hand to him and he moved forward to grasp it, settling down beside her, looking at her with a mixture of confusion and worry.
"Jax, meet my daughter."
Remember that I love you,
as your lifeless body I hold.
Remember that I love you,
as you walk down streets of gold.
(From Kinsey, Rachel: Remember that I Love You)
Chapter 20:
Antoinette had stayed at the destination of her walk later than usual, needing to be there a little longer after being in town with Jax, seeing their child kicking and moving. The sun had disappeared over the horizon and she half expected to come across Jax on her way back, worried at her lateness. She wasn't sure what to feel when she didn't see him, she hadn't wanted him here with her, she didn't want to cause him that pain. She hadn't wanted to cause him any pain though she knew she would when she left, but she had thought it would be better, that in the long run she would be saving him some pain not watching her die and possibly their child.
She climbed the wooden steps up to the beach house. She had once said that she didn't have a home, that she never really had had one, she had lied. This place was once her home in every way, she had been so happy here, a happiness she had never expected to receive, a happiness she never expected to have again. As she approached the back door, she couldn't help but notice some of the foreboding she had felt before was gone, and had been gone for quite some time, ever since he had come.
She was grateful for him being here, for his unspoken support and care. It made her feel safe having him there, a comfort that no matter what happened he would make sure their child would live and be happy, though she would not be there to see it. Such thoughts only made her feel worse, that she got so much from his presence and all he received was pain. True she was also in pain, pains she had always carried buried with in her depths brought out in her circumstance.
Upon walking into the house, quickly passing the threshold, she was surprised to find that Jax wasn't there and briefly wondered if he had left her, not that she deserved him to stay or that for one moment truly believed he really would leave, she knew better. She called out to him, walking into the living room, then stopped short.
He was asleep on the couch, sprawled out with one of her child development books beside him. She smiled looking at him, feeling guilty that he had not gotten the sleep he needed last night. Crossing the distance between them she gently lifted the book out of his sleeping grasp and set it on the ground, kneeling beside him.
"I do love you, you know," she whispered to his sleeping body, reaching up a gentle hand to trace the outline of his face, careful not to wake him. Laying her head beside his, she watched him sleep from the gentle rise and fall of his chest to his occasional head movement.
She knew that keeping him closed off was hurting him, knew that he deserved more.
Long ago she had closed the door to her soul, not just from those around her but in a way to herself. Now in her current circumstance the only half healed wounds and her greatest pains that had never truly been far were seeping out from the boundaries she had set, making her relive so many emotions she had tried to forget. She wanted to be able to explain to him that nothing was about him, wanted to get him to understand to leave it be, though she knew he wouldn't.
Only a few hours before she had been thinking that she owed him at least some explanation, something to ease the pain she was causing him. But how could she let him in to things she herself refused to relive? She was torn within herself, wanting to protect herself as well as him, protect him from knowing everything about her, and undoing some of the pain she'd caused even at the price of her own. The situation was so complicated, with so many unknowns.
Somehow she had to attempt to meet him halfway, she couldn't bear the pain she was causing him and perhaps letting him in with what she could handle would help her too. Jax had proven to her that he was capable of more understanding then she had ever received before, maybe if she let him in a little he could get a broad enough grasp that she needed to be cold in some ways, that she was handling so much more than he thought, and with him understanding that she wouldn't feel the guilt that had been plaguing her with every glance at him.
Her thoughts were confusing, filled with so much she couldn't deal with and so much she herself didn't really understand. Watching him sleeping there, so close before her, she steeled herself to take a leap of faith.
"Jax?" She stood up, leaning over him, gently shaking him, too afraid to not take action while she felt she had the strength, the ability to do what she was about to do.
Jax opened his eyes groggily, looking up to find Skye looking down at him, an uneasy look in her eyes. He got up quickly, standing beside her a thousand thoughts of worry crossing his mind.
"Skye, is everything alright? Are you ok?" He looked deep into her eyes, searching for answers to his questions, slightly relaxing when she gave him a negative response
She took his hands in hers and began walking backwards, pulling him along.
"Come with me, please?"
There was almost a sense of desperation in her eyes, a begging quality that scared him.
"Of course, where are we going?"
"Just follow."
She released his hands, turning her back to him and heading out of the house, and down towards the beach.
Jax wasn't sure where she was taking him, he guessed to where ever she went on her long walks. She was barefoot, walking with in the wake of the gentle waves several feet ahead of him, not bothering to look back to make sure he was still there, trusting he wouldn't leave. He was surprised when she wordlessly turned from the beach, heading for a grassy embankment. There was a sandy trail slanting up it, which led Skye, and himself, to the top.
She waited for him there as he caught up with her, then headed off again, her eyes on the worn path before her. He took a moment to follow her, his gaze had gone away from her, following the half hidden trail to it's destination. A graveyard.
He quickly caught up with her, trudging through the grasses in order to be at her side. He didn't dare say anything, it was obvious to him that whatever she had set her mind to was taking a lot out of her, subject to change if her resolve fell.
Upon reaching the fence surrounding the graveyard Jax felt an involuntary chill go down his spine. The sun had already disappeared below the horizon when they'd began their journey and it was getting increasingly dark. He was glad that it was on uncommonly clear night allowing the shining stars and bright half moon light the landscape around them. He stepped a little closer to Skye has she reached out to push open the gate before her, and stayed close to her as they walked pass numerous graves, unable to keep from remembering his nightmare from months ago.
Antoinette was aware of Jax beside her, walking with her stride for stride. She knew where she was going, a blindfold would not have slowed her pace, she knew every step by heart. She quickly passed by a number of graves, only one held meaning to her, one small grave set under a tree in the corner marking a piece of her heart.
She slowed as she approached, stopping Jax with a glance, communicating with her eyes for him to wait. She approached the gleaming granite, settling to her knees before it. She reached out and traced the familiar words engraved upon it.
Roslyn Anglique
Patterson
'In Heaven with Wings'
Turning away from the grave she found Jax standing patently a few feet away. She held out a hand to him and he moved forward to grasp it, settling down beside her, looking at her with a mixture of confusion and worry.
"Jax, meet my daughter."