Title: Make Me Feel Alive Part 1b: The End
Author: CAB
Fandom: Askewniverse
Pairing: None
Rating: PG for cursing and stuff
Category: Angst, Romance
Email: colinishere@aol.com
Series/Sequel: The beginning of a series
Disclaimer: Kevin Smith owns them and makes all the money off them.
Spoilers: Chasing Amy
Notes: See Chapters 1-2
Chapter 3: Damage Control
Banky looked at his stack of comics as he carefully packed them in a file box. It hadn't really been his intention to sever all ties with Holden, but the more he thought about it, the more he realized he wasn't just spouting bullshit...it really was best to get away for a while.
As he went to the stereo to put on some music for a pick-me-up, the phone rang. Startled out of his daze, he stared blankly at the ringing handset. On the third ring he got the idea and picked up, "Bank-Holdup, Banky speaking."
"Hey." Hooper's voice sounded just as cold as when he'd stormed out of the diner.
"What the fuck do you want?" Banky sat down on his bed and began to go through his paperwork.
"I want to apologize for getting pissy with you yesterday."
"No apology necessary, you're probably just on your period or something."
Hooper grumbled and went silent for a moment, as if collecting himself again. "I swear I don't know why I'm doing this, but I thought you might want to try again."
"Try what?"
"Talking this over with an impartial third party. I want to help you through this."
"Fuck." Banky sighed. "You just don't know when to quit, do you?"
"Come on Banky."
"I'm moving out." He put a stack of papers in a file folder and added it to the box of comics.
"You're what? Banky, aren't you moving just a little fast?"
"I can't stay here anymore."
"Why not?"
"It's too weird."
"So you're admitting something's wrong..." Hooper's voice held a tone that echoed a thousand 'I told you so' moments.
"I didn't say that. Holden's just being an asshole."
"Fine. You need a hand with anything?"
"What, like my boner...I'll take care of it myself, thanks."
"I'm not hitting on you, bitch!"
Banky laughed to himself, glad to be in control of the conversation. "Yeah, well, it'll be the first time."
"Fuck you; just forget I even asked."
"Where do you want to go?"
"I don't know, I didn't think that far."
"You really want to talk about...stuff?"
"I want to help you."
"You make it sound like I'm an emotional wreck." Banky stretched out on his back and closed his eyes against the light as he pulled the cord to raise the blinds.
"I bet you're holed up in the dark right now, mourning the death of the 'Little Relationship that Could'."
"I opened the blinds."
"Oh, I guess that's a step."
"Okay, I'll talk to you. But only because everybody else would call me a faggot. When you say it, it's just stupid."
"Why don't you come over, I've got beer..."
"No funny stuff?"
"Honey, if I wanted to fuck you, I would have done it on one of the many occasions you've ended up passed out on my couch."
Banky smiled, rather amused by the comment that should have offended him. "Okay, I'll be by in a few."
"I'll be here." Hooper paused, "Oh, and Banky?"
"Yeah?"
"It's going to be okay."
Banky stared at the now revealed ceiling as Hooper hung up. For the first time in six months, he actually felt like things would be all right.
After hanging up the phone, he changed out of his sweats and hoped Holden was gone for the day, unfortunately he wasn't.
"Morning." Holden finished pouring his coffee and smiled warmly at Banky. "Feeling better?"
"No." Banky shook his head and pulled on his jacket. "I should be done packing by tomorrow."
"Banky, you don't have to do this."
"I can't go through this again, Holden, I'm leaving."
"Where are you going to go?" Holden scoffed, "I'm all you've got..."
"And what does that say about the fucked up nature of our friendship?" Banky shook his head. "No, fuck it. I don't want to talk about this with you."
"What are you looking for?" Holden watched Banky rifle through the sea of papers and other miscellaneous shit on the counter.
"My keys."
"You left them on the coffee table."
"Thanks." Banky replied coldly.
"Where are you going?"
"None of your fucking business."
"No, I guess it isn't." Holden shrugged, "Just curious."
"If you simply must know, I've got a date."
"Who's the lucky guy?" Holden dug the knife a little deeper.
"Fuck you, man."
"You wish."
"I'm seeing a chick. She's fucking stacked, too. *And* I bet she's straight unlike the women you end up with."
"So, I guess you'll be home alone tonight, then?"
"Assuming I come back."
"You'll be back." Holden shook his head and poured a bowl of cereal. "This is just some stupid little thing you have to get out of your system. You wouldn't know what to do with yourself after the first week."
"I'm out of here." Banky opened the front door, then turned to say goodbye.
"You fucking can't live without me, Banky."
Banky didn't know how to reply, instead, he slammed the door and didn't turn back.
* * * * *
Chapter 4: Friends?
"Well look at you." Hooper smiled as he opened the door to see Banky standing silently on his welcome mat. "I never thought I'd see the day Banky Edwards stood alone on my doorstep."
"I shouldn't be here..." Banky turned away.
"Get your ass in here." Hooper grabbed the other man by his jacket and pulled him into the apartment, locking the door behind them. "Want something to drink?"
"I just drove from New Jersey."
"Oh, what was I thinking?" Hooper deadpanned and went to the kitchen for some beer.
Banky looked around the room, not really recognizing any of it. "Did you redecorate?"
"For your information, not all faggots are Martha Stewart."
"I didn't mean that, I just don't recognize any of this stuff."
"That's just because you've never seen this place when you weren't drunk or hung over."
"Ah." Banky accepted a long neck and sat on the comfortable couch. "Well, that won't last long."
"Hey." Hooper pointed a finger; "I will not have you get all sloppy drunk on me."
"Yeah, well, I thought the current state of things kind of warranted a beer or twelve."
Hooper nodded and sat at the opposite end of the couch. "How you holding up."
Banky shrugged. "Doesn't matter, what's done is done."
"You're really moving out then, huh?"
"I don't really have a choice. I...uh...I walked."
"You what?"
"I fucking walked right out."
"Oh my god..."
"He actually had the balls..." Banky took a slug off the beer and shook his head with a sigh. "He told me that I can't live without him."
"Shit." Hooper shook his hand, covering his eyes.
"He was actually more worried about what we're going to do with the book, than if I was okay." Banky laughed caustically and finished his beer in a long drink.
"He's such and asshole."
A silence came between them, then Hooper went to fetch another beer for Banky.
Banky kicked off his shoes and pulled a foot up underneath him and faced the kitchen. "I never noticed it before, you know? Then I started thinking about it last night...and I kinda realized just how much control he's had over my life the last ten years. He's controlled almost everything I've done since high school...I mean, like from inside my head. He told me what I wanted to do, and I believed him."
"I never would have guessed..."
"It's not like that bad or anything. But in a way I never got to make a decision for myself."
"You were always thinking as a pair, not as individuals." Hooper returned with a six pack in a bucket of ice and a bag of chips.
"I guess."
Hooper felt the tension shift and changed the subject a little. "So, are you going to be staying with someone until you get a place?"
Banky shrugged. "I don't know. I've never really thought about living on my own. I'll probably end up staying in a motel or something for a few weeks."
"Oh, hon. it'll take at least a month to get a decent place."
"I'm going to have to get a job too, I guess."
"Aren't you guys making some bucks off the book still?"
"It's over."
Hooper swallowed, finally realizing that when Banky said it was over, he meant everything between he and Holden.
"Oh man..."
"It's still weird, you know? Like I keep thinking I'm going to wake up and it'll all be just a nightmare."
"I hate to burst your bubble, Banky...but it's real."
Banky pulled his other foot up onto the couch and rested his head on his hands, trying not to cry when the sudden influx of emotion rocked his body.
Hooper put his hand on Banky's knee and squeezed. "But it's going to be all right."
"You keep saying everything will be okay, but you have no idea how to help me."
"Banky. Just...stop letting it get to you."
"Stop? Stop. Like it's so fucking easy to get over losing the only person I've ever loved."
"There will be others." Hooper went into a spiel he'd done a hundred times before. "There will be other boys, other girls...what ever you want, Banky." He watched as Banky's teary eyes looked up at him. "Give it time."
"They won't be him."
"No, they won't." Hooper sighed and moved his hands to Banky's shoulders. "That's the best part. You'll get to discover a whole new world with people that aren't Holden. There is a life after him, Banky."
"People are transitory, Hooper! You know that. I need a constant. He was my rock."
"Drift, then. Be free. He wasn't a rock; he was dead weight...you were drowning with him."
"But..."
"You don't need him." Hooper backed off a little and went back to his end of the couch. "All you need in life is yourself. If you think otherwise, you're doing just what he wants you to do."
"What?"
"You say he thinks you can't live without him...if you fall apart the moment he's out of your life, you're living up to his insulting standards. You're better than that."
"No." Banky shook his head. "I'm not."
"What do you want, Banky?"
"I want to be with Holden again." Banky closed his eyes, using his palms to press away small tears.
"Why?
"I don't know."
"Yes you do. Tell me why he means so much to you!"
"Because he loves me."
Hooper sighed. "Banky, you can't move on until you understand you can't be with him."
"I know...I understand, but...I'm alone without him."
"Alone? Are you serious?"
"Who else do I have? My family gave up on me when I decided I wanted to make a living in comics...and all my friends are his friends."
"You aren't alone, Banky."
"Oh yeah, I've got you...right." Banky spat.
"Yes, you do." Hooper yelled back. "And even though you don't appreciate the understanding I offer and the fact that I am beating myself silly over this shit...I'm here for you. Do you hear that, fucker? I'M HERE FOR YOU." He stood up and stormed off to the bathroom where he slammed the door behind him.
Banky grumbled to himself, then drank part of his beer while he tried to sort things out.
Eventually, he knocked on the bathroom door to see if Hooper was okay. "Are you coming out of there any time soon?"
"No."
"I gotta piss." Banky put his head on the door and sighed.
"There's a Burger King down the street."
"You know what, fuck you man, okay? I don't know what to tell you."
"It doesn't matter."
"What can I say to make you come out of there?"
"I don't want you to say what I want to hear! I just want you to GET IT." Hooper's voice echoed off the tile. "Just when I think you're about to understand, you go back into your little 'I need Holden in my life, but I'm not in love with him' shit."
"I...it's all complicated."
"Is it? I don't think it is. What do you really want, Banky? You say you want Holden, then why are you here bitching about it? You know very well all you have to do is go back and things will be just the way they were."
"Things can't be the way they were..."
"Yes they can, he wants to live in the delusion as much as you do."
"I..." Banky swallowed roughly, then followed the lump in his throat with some beer. "I guess I don't want to have things like they were."
"Good, that's a start. Now, what do you want?"
"I don't know what I want. Okay? For the first time in my life I don't know what to do next."
"Thank you." Hooper opened the door, shocked when Banky fell into him.
Banky used Hooper to push himself upright again. And shook his head. "I'm fucking lost."
"Don't you get it?" Hooper took Banky by the shoulders. "That's okay. That's *NORMAL*. You're not supposed to have all the answers."
Banky sighed and laughed just so he wouldn't cry. "What do I do now?"
"I'll tell you what you do." Hooper led Banky out to the living room and let out a relived sigh. "You're going to sit here with me, drink a few beers, and then you're going to go sleep in my guest bedroom until morning. Then, once we've had some breakfast, we'll talk about what to do next."
Banky nodded, then let Hooper hug him. "Thank you."
Hooper shook his head. "It's nothing, hon."
"I mean it." Banky held the man tighter. "I don't know why you're doing all this for me, but right now you're the only person who even cares."
"No, I'm not." Hooper looked into Banky's eyes as they pulled away from each other. "There's a whole world you've never seen that cares just as much as I do."
* * * * *
Author: CAB
Fandom: Askewniverse
Pairing: None
Rating: PG for cursing and stuff
Category: Angst, Romance
Email: colinishere@aol.com
Series/Sequel: The beginning of a series
Disclaimer: Kevin Smith owns them and makes all the money off them.
Spoilers: Chasing Amy
Notes: See Chapters 1-2
Chapter 3: Damage Control
Banky looked at his stack of comics as he carefully packed them in a file box. It hadn't really been his intention to sever all ties with Holden, but the more he thought about it, the more he realized he wasn't just spouting bullshit...it really was best to get away for a while.
As he went to the stereo to put on some music for a pick-me-up, the phone rang. Startled out of his daze, he stared blankly at the ringing handset. On the third ring he got the idea and picked up, "Bank-Holdup, Banky speaking."
"Hey." Hooper's voice sounded just as cold as when he'd stormed out of the diner.
"What the fuck do you want?" Banky sat down on his bed and began to go through his paperwork.
"I want to apologize for getting pissy with you yesterday."
"No apology necessary, you're probably just on your period or something."
Hooper grumbled and went silent for a moment, as if collecting himself again. "I swear I don't know why I'm doing this, but I thought you might want to try again."
"Try what?"
"Talking this over with an impartial third party. I want to help you through this."
"Fuck." Banky sighed. "You just don't know when to quit, do you?"
"Come on Banky."
"I'm moving out." He put a stack of papers in a file folder and added it to the box of comics.
"You're what? Banky, aren't you moving just a little fast?"
"I can't stay here anymore."
"Why not?"
"It's too weird."
"So you're admitting something's wrong..." Hooper's voice held a tone that echoed a thousand 'I told you so' moments.
"I didn't say that. Holden's just being an asshole."
"Fine. You need a hand with anything?"
"What, like my boner...I'll take care of it myself, thanks."
"I'm not hitting on you, bitch!"
Banky laughed to himself, glad to be in control of the conversation. "Yeah, well, it'll be the first time."
"Fuck you; just forget I even asked."
"Where do you want to go?"
"I don't know, I didn't think that far."
"You really want to talk about...stuff?"
"I want to help you."
"You make it sound like I'm an emotional wreck." Banky stretched out on his back and closed his eyes against the light as he pulled the cord to raise the blinds.
"I bet you're holed up in the dark right now, mourning the death of the 'Little Relationship that Could'."
"I opened the blinds."
"Oh, I guess that's a step."
"Okay, I'll talk to you. But only because everybody else would call me a faggot. When you say it, it's just stupid."
"Why don't you come over, I've got beer..."
"No funny stuff?"
"Honey, if I wanted to fuck you, I would have done it on one of the many occasions you've ended up passed out on my couch."
Banky smiled, rather amused by the comment that should have offended him. "Okay, I'll be by in a few."
"I'll be here." Hooper paused, "Oh, and Banky?"
"Yeah?"
"It's going to be okay."
Banky stared at the now revealed ceiling as Hooper hung up. For the first time in six months, he actually felt like things would be all right.
After hanging up the phone, he changed out of his sweats and hoped Holden was gone for the day, unfortunately he wasn't.
"Morning." Holden finished pouring his coffee and smiled warmly at Banky. "Feeling better?"
"No." Banky shook his head and pulled on his jacket. "I should be done packing by tomorrow."
"Banky, you don't have to do this."
"I can't go through this again, Holden, I'm leaving."
"Where are you going to go?" Holden scoffed, "I'm all you've got..."
"And what does that say about the fucked up nature of our friendship?" Banky shook his head. "No, fuck it. I don't want to talk about this with you."
"What are you looking for?" Holden watched Banky rifle through the sea of papers and other miscellaneous shit on the counter.
"My keys."
"You left them on the coffee table."
"Thanks." Banky replied coldly.
"Where are you going?"
"None of your fucking business."
"No, I guess it isn't." Holden shrugged, "Just curious."
"If you simply must know, I've got a date."
"Who's the lucky guy?" Holden dug the knife a little deeper.
"Fuck you, man."
"You wish."
"I'm seeing a chick. She's fucking stacked, too. *And* I bet she's straight unlike the women you end up with."
"So, I guess you'll be home alone tonight, then?"
"Assuming I come back."
"You'll be back." Holden shook his head and poured a bowl of cereal. "This is just some stupid little thing you have to get out of your system. You wouldn't know what to do with yourself after the first week."
"I'm out of here." Banky opened the front door, then turned to say goodbye.
"You fucking can't live without me, Banky."
Banky didn't know how to reply, instead, he slammed the door and didn't turn back.
* * * * *
Chapter 4: Friends?
"Well look at you." Hooper smiled as he opened the door to see Banky standing silently on his welcome mat. "I never thought I'd see the day Banky Edwards stood alone on my doorstep."
"I shouldn't be here..." Banky turned away.
"Get your ass in here." Hooper grabbed the other man by his jacket and pulled him into the apartment, locking the door behind them. "Want something to drink?"
"I just drove from New Jersey."
"Oh, what was I thinking?" Hooper deadpanned and went to the kitchen for some beer.
Banky looked around the room, not really recognizing any of it. "Did you redecorate?"
"For your information, not all faggots are Martha Stewart."
"I didn't mean that, I just don't recognize any of this stuff."
"That's just because you've never seen this place when you weren't drunk or hung over."
"Ah." Banky accepted a long neck and sat on the comfortable couch. "Well, that won't last long."
"Hey." Hooper pointed a finger; "I will not have you get all sloppy drunk on me."
"Yeah, well, I thought the current state of things kind of warranted a beer or twelve."
Hooper nodded and sat at the opposite end of the couch. "How you holding up."
Banky shrugged. "Doesn't matter, what's done is done."
"You're really moving out then, huh?"
"I don't really have a choice. I...uh...I walked."
"You what?"
"I fucking walked right out."
"Oh my god..."
"He actually had the balls..." Banky took a slug off the beer and shook his head with a sigh. "He told me that I can't live without him."
"Shit." Hooper shook his hand, covering his eyes.
"He was actually more worried about what we're going to do with the book, than if I was okay." Banky laughed caustically and finished his beer in a long drink.
"He's such and asshole."
A silence came between them, then Hooper went to fetch another beer for Banky.
Banky kicked off his shoes and pulled a foot up underneath him and faced the kitchen. "I never noticed it before, you know? Then I started thinking about it last night...and I kinda realized just how much control he's had over my life the last ten years. He's controlled almost everything I've done since high school...I mean, like from inside my head. He told me what I wanted to do, and I believed him."
"I never would have guessed..."
"It's not like that bad or anything. But in a way I never got to make a decision for myself."
"You were always thinking as a pair, not as individuals." Hooper returned with a six pack in a bucket of ice and a bag of chips.
"I guess."
Hooper felt the tension shift and changed the subject a little. "So, are you going to be staying with someone until you get a place?"
Banky shrugged. "I don't know. I've never really thought about living on my own. I'll probably end up staying in a motel or something for a few weeks."
"Oh, hon. it'll take at least a month to get a decent place."
"I'm going to have to get a job too, I guess."
"Aren't you guys making some bucks off the book still?"
"It's over."
Hooper swallowed, finally realizing that when Banky said it was over, he meant everything between he and Holden.
"Oh man..."
"It's still weird, you know? Like I keep thinking I'm going to wake up and it'll all be just a nightmare."
"I hate to burst your bubble, Banky...but it's real."
Banky pulled his other foot up onto the couch and rested his head on his hands, trying not to cry when the sudden influx of emotion rocked his body.
Hooper put his hand on Banky's knee and squeezed. "But it's going to be all right."
"You keep saying everything will be okay, but you have no idea how to help me."
"Banky. Just...stop letting it get to you."
"Stop? Stop. Like it's so fucking easy to get over losing the only person I've ever loved."
"There will be others." Hooper went into a spiel he'd done a hundred times before. "There will be other boys, other girls...what ever you want, Banky." He watched as Banky's teary eyes looked up at him. "Give it time."
"They won't be him."
"No, they won't." Hooper sighed and moved his hands to Banky's shoulders. "That's the best part. You'll get to discover a whole new world with people that aren't Holden. There is a life after him, Banky."
"People are transitory, Hooper! You know that. I need a constant. He was my rock."
"Drift, then. Be free. He wasn't a rock; he was dead weight...you were drowning with him."
"But..."
"You don't need him." Hooper backed off a little and went back to his end of the couch. "All you need in life is yourself. If you think otherwise, you're doing just what he wants you to do."
"What?"
"You say he thinks you can't live without him...if you fall apart the moment he's out of your life, you're living up to his insulting standards. You're better than that."
"No." Banky shook his head. "I'm not."
"What do you want, Banky?"
"I want to be with Holden again." Banky closed his eyes, using his palms to press away small tears.
"Why?
"I don't know."
"Yes you do. Tell me why he means so much to you!"
"Because he loves me."
Hooper sighed. "Banky, you can't move on until you understand you can't be with him."
"I know...I understand, but...I'm alone without him."
"Alone? Are you serious?"
"Who else do I have? My family gave up on me when I decided I wanted to make a living in comics...and all my friends are his friends."
"You aren't alone, Banky."
"Oh yeah, I've got you...right." Banky spat.
"Yes, you do." Hooper yelled back. "And even though you don't appreciate the understanding I offer and the fact that I am beating myself silly over this shit...I'm here for you. Do you hear that, fucker? I'M HERE FOR YOU." He stood up and stormed off to the bathroom where he slammed the door behind him.
Banky grumbled to himself, then drank part of his beer while he tried to sort things out.
Eventually, he knocked on the bathroom door to see if Hooper was okay. "Are you coming out of there any time soon?"
"No."
"I gotta piss." Banky put his head on the door and sighed.
"There's a Burger King down the street."
"You know what, fuck you man, okay? I don't know what to tell you."
"It doesn't matter."
"What can I say to make you come out of there?"
"I don't want you to say what I want to hear! I just want you to GET IT." Hooper's voice echoed off the tile. "Just when I think you're about to understand, you go back into your little 'I need Holden in my life, but I'm not in love with him' shit."
"I...it's all complicated."
"Is it? I don't think it is. What do you really want, Banky? You say you want Holden, then why are you here bitching about it? You know very well all you have to do is go back and things will be just the way they were."
"Things can't be the way they were..."
"Yes they can, he wants to live in the delusion as much as you do."
"I..." Banky swallowed roughly, then followed the lump in his throat with some beer. "I guess I don't want to have things like they were."
"Good, that's a start. Now, what do you want?"
"I don't know what I want. Okay? For the first time in my life I don't know what to do next."
"Thank you." Hooper opened the door, shocked when Banky fell into him.
Banky used Hooper to push himself upright again. And shook his head. "I'm fucking lost."
"Don't you get it?" Hooper took Banky by the shoulders. "That's okay. That's *NORMAL*. You're not supposed to have all the answers."
Banky sighed and laughed just so he wouldn't cry. "What do I do now?"
"I'll tell you what you do." Hooper led Banky out to the living room and let out a relived sigh. "You're going to sit here with me, drink a few beers, and then you're going to go sleep in my guest bedroom until morning. Then, once we've had some breakfast, we'll talk about what to do next."
Banky nodded, then let Hooper hug him. "Thank you."
Hooper shook his head. "It's nothing, hon."
"I mean it." Banky held the man tighter. "I don't know why you're doing all this for me, but right now you're the only person who even cares."
"No, I'm not." Hooper looked into Banky's eyes as they pulled away from each other. "There's a whole world you've never seen that cares just as much as I do."
* * * * *