Between the Cracks
By aznJEDI13
Notes: This is something I wrote a long time ago and now I'm just re-writing various parts. I wrote this to avenge all those Ami/Obi fics. I just have to say DIE!!!! I detest those fics terribly.
Disclaimer: George Lucas owns everything in this story, Anakin, Padme, Obi-wan and other characters, settings, places, and things. The only thing I own is the plot line.
Between the Cracks
'…I can't imagine the two of us apart…'
As I lie in Obi-wan's arms, I contemplate how I ever got here. Tis true, I had once been in a man's arms, but it had not been Obi-wan's arms.
It had been Anakin's.
Sweet, handsome Ani, lover of my soul and keeper of my heart, is dead. He has been dead. It tears me inside to know I am still alive -- living, breathing without him.
How I miss him so.
I miss his strong arms around me, wrapping and enveloping me in a warm comforting embrace. I miss the taste of his lips pressed against my own, the way they felt as they caressed my lips and the feelings that built inside every time our lips touched. I miss the feel of his lips running down my skin, causing goose bumps to rise, making me shiver inside and turn my cheeks to a rosy red. I miss hearing him whisper in my ear.
I love you, Padme…
I miss the way he said my name. I miss the way he looked in the morning, waking up to his cerulean blue eyes. I miss his fingers running down my arm, the feel of his weight against me. I missed the way he said I was beautiful.
Force, you're beautiful...
I miss it all.
I use to smile so much. Now I dare so.
Why smile when I have nothing to smile about? The love of my life is dead, deceased, passed on -- without me. And there is nothing I can do. Life seems not worth living without him.
I cannot remember clearly how I ended up here. How I fell for a demented charmer and was swept off before I woke. Life had been so surreal for a while, now it seems I'm alone in a desolated hell with a beauteous sleeping giant.
I've been a fool.
When Anakin died, I had died with him. I felt my soul go from my heart and disappear. I could not live another day -- I did not want to live another day. My life rose and fell on Anakin, he was my heart. Obi-wan had brought me the news of my heart's death and I screamed and cried for days. How could my heart still be beating if it's dead?
He could not be dead I always thought. I never felt him die. If the bond that was supposed to be there was there I should have felt him die. But I never felt such thing. If he was one with the force, a luminous being, he never came to visit me. I felt his presence in my mind once, but never again. And it was so faint, I decided not to tell Obi-wan. I heard him calling once in my dreams so I thought it was only part of the dream.
I let things continue, believing -- convincing myself that he was dead and a force blind person like myself could not experience those things with the force.
Obi-wan changed me in ways I never thought possibly. I was incredulous to believe that these changes were good and true. I have incoherent thoughts that are so distorted I still cannot clearly remember what had happened.
It seemed like my life was starting anew when he kissed me. I dove in for more. The stupidest thing I have ever done.
We were married not before long. He took me on the most majestic honeymoon, second to my first with my beloved. He swept me off my feet in a brother-sister kind of way. I have never felt love like this, but it was not romantic love -- it was love of a heart half gone. I scorn myself for falling each and every day as I live without Ani.
To think I lay in his Master's bed, thinking only of his baby blue eyes, of his blond hair, of his coarse hands, of his strong arms, of his crooked smirk -- of Ani.
I loved Ani before I knew love itself, before I thought such passion was possible. Is it possible that I sold my soul without a second thought? No, when I was on the breach of selling my soul, I saw it was the only true and perfect thing to do. Ani will always be the lover of my soul. Denying that love would be denying my true self.
I gave myself to him completely -- body, mind and soul. I cannot take it back -- there is no reason to take it back.
It was incredulous of me to believe I could do it again with Obi-wan. He was a friend to the deepest kind of me, but he will never be my lover. And yet I lay here in his arms. I've been a fool to believe I could be swept off my feet twice. How senseless had I been -- I love Ani, I will always love Ani.
He was a lover to the deepest kind of me.
I bury deeper in the sheets and close my eyes hoping for serene slumber. I feel the weight of my body being lifted, the picture of his cerulean blue eyes growing sharper. I am almost there. I jump slightly hearing the small creek of the door.
I see his shadow. I know I am dreaming.
I close my eyes to sink farther into the dream, but all I am overwhelmed with is darkness. I open my eyes suddenly and see his shadow. I can see the faint glow of his cerulean blue eyes and I gasp.
It is not a dream.
"Ani…" I feel a tear roll down my cheek, "Am I dreaming?" I ask.
He does not answer. I blink to be sure. When my eyes open again, he is still there.
I watch. Not sure what to do. He goes over to the dresser. I hear the small crack of the door and then a heavy slam.
I turn my head gently to see if Obi-wan has awakened. He hasn't. He's always been a heavy sleeper. Sometimes, if it's quiet enough you can hear the subtle snores, growing fainter through the wisp of his beard.
Ani turns to me and I become scared. I have never seen his eyes blaze the way they do right now. They are so cold, so filled with pain. I bite back a sob.
It's really him.
Part of me is happy, crying with joy. The other part of me is scared. Does he think I betrayed him? Does he think I love Obi-wan as I loved --love him? Another part of me wonders, hadn't Obi-wan given him up for dead? And part of me asks why had Anakin been hidden away? Why had Obi-wan relocated me as fast as he could? Inside my brain reasons and answer, logical and illogical swirl in my head.
My mind was full of why's, but for the first time, my heart was filled with love. I have found my home -- there in his heart.
The only problem was he had hidden the key from me.
His eyes scream for me. Those cerulean blue eyes, eyes I had longed to see now look at me with emotions so callous I shiver inside. I feel his emotions. He believes I have betrayed him. I want to scream but I've lost my voice. My breath is caught in my throat.
I search the depths of his eyes, sinking and falling farther in. Suddenly, he closes them and I am thrown from oblivion. I cannot see through them. I cannot see what he is feeling anymore. I cannot feel him.
He turns on his heel and walks, slowly at first before he picks up his pace and runs out of my room. I dash out of bed, after him. Screaming his name as I run while hot tears roll down my cheeks.
"Anakin! Anakin please!"
I run after him. My petite steps are no match for his long strides.
I scream once more. "Ani please! Please stop!"
Finally, I see his figure stops at the end of the corridor. I shudder. I reach him, placing my hand on his shoulder.
And I notice for the first time just how cold he really is.
I hear myself whisper. "My beautiful Ani."
To be continued…