Author's Notes: The idea for a Zoids dating show came to me in a dream, or maybe I just couldn't sleep. But most likely I was drunk, stoned, or jacked up on some drug. Possibly all of the above. Who knows!
I know that Ravin is usually spelt with an -en, but I saw this way somewhere and thought it looked cool, so don't tell me I am spelling it wrong.
Disclaimer: I don't own Zoids…now.
A ZOIDS DATING SHOW
Deep Voice Over The Intercom- Hello everyone and welcome back to Zi's most popular dating show around. On today's show our special guest is no other than Zi's most beloved (and best looking) zoid pilot, "I gonna kill Van if it is the last thing I do" Ravin and his organoid, Shadow! They are a simple pair who are just looking for revenge on that idiot Van. Ravin is here today looking for some commitment and some one to help him take over the world!
Ravin says he is just misunderstood by all of Zi and that early, unfortunate events made him the man he is today. Well Ravin, today is your lucky day! You will get to choose between three gorgeous women!
*Camera swings to first contestant*
D.V.O.T.I.- Our first contestant is no other than 'Late Nite with Raven's Kala. She is one fine looking Ravin fan. She is currently enjoying a "comfy" job as co-host with Ravin on every ones' fav late night talk show. She enjoys many, many benefits more the job, such as a good dental plan!
She has brought with her today her favorite frying pan. Her motto is "there are more than one use for frying pans!" You had better watch out Ravin, she is a knockout, literally. Some of her favorite hobbies include Van bashing and "lemon"ades with Ravin. That is very … ON TO CONTESTANT NUMBER TWO.
*Camera swing to second contestant*
D.V.O.T.I- She is femininity to the core. She also enjoys beating up on Van and playing with her pet organoid, Specular. She pilots a blue Genosaurer, well at least till Hiltz up an end to that. Another Van basher for Ravin to pick from. She is from a doomed race and thinks she will be the downfall of Zi. She is everyone's favorite Van killing, zoid piloting gals, Reiss. She enjoys trying to put the moves on Ravin and other activities.
Her motto is "after I am done with Ravin, he'll need to go to hell just to cool down!" O.o'
That's not PG rated- oh well I will have to up the rating. Not to mention that is just plan CENSORED.
*Camera swing to third and final girl*
D.V.O.T.I- She's smart, witty, and sexy, she is saving Zi from doom and 'battling' with Ravin in Prophecy of the Zoids, which is a whole lot lighter &funnier after the first two chapters. She enjoys painting Shadow, spending Ravin's money, and Van bashing. She only wishes she was as good as Kala &Robyn at it. She's the red headed vixen Andrea.
Her hobby includes shopping with other people's money, staring blankly into the computer screen at Ravin's pictures, and swimming. Some say she is frigid, so she beats them up. She also enjoys being mean to friends, family, and people she doesn't like. She plans to take over the world and have women rule it! Because men are stupid! Watch out Ravin, don't get singed with this one, she's a spitfire.
*Camera swings on girl walking down from the audience*
D.V.O.T.I- Now here's our host, the sassy, the wonderful, the beautiful Factoid!
Audience screams wildly. Yeyeyeyeyey
Factoid- Thanks D.V.O.T.I. And we will have Ravin come on down and begin the show right after these short words from our sponsors.
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*Scene shows three girls fighting over Ravin*
Girls are you tired of fighting over the only good looking boy in the neighborhood? And being left the garbage Van? Well fear no more. This product is for you! The Ravin-Clone Kit.
Tired of boring chemistry and biology projects? Well then the Ravin- Clone Kit makes biology fun, I have never seen a frog look this good
*shows Ravin with a thumbs up sign.*
Try it, your teacher will give you an A, or if she doesn't you can have Ravin kill her. Every one wins.
*Shows girl walking out of class with a Ravin clone*
You can even genetically alter your clone so Ravin glows in the dark.
Ravin- That is kinda disturbing.
Voice- Yes, it is, but think of it this way. Now you will have even more chances to kill the moron Van!
Ravin *smiles and gives a thumb up sign*
Fast Voice- Actual product results may vary. Extract finger, eyes, toes, and etc. does not warrant money back. Remember personality can't be cloned, but we do promise excellent performance or your money back. Must feed the clone for best results. The government holds you personally responsible for clone activities. Ravin-Clone Kit is a registered trademark of Ravin\Andrea Biotechnology Center. Only five easy payments of $89.99.
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Are your clothes dirty and ugly? Are you dirty and ugly?
*Shows girls running away from Van*
Well use Ravin Detergent to get that ugly Van-ness out of your clothes. You can also use it as a bubble bath. After using this product the girls will flock to you like ants to a ice cream bar on a hot summer day.
*Shows a horde of girls running to Ravin*
It gives your clothes and you that clean Ravin-ney smell. All the people will love it. Buy it now at all major retailers.
Fast Voice- Actual results may very. Let it be known that we do not promises miracles even our fine product couldn't help Van. Ingestion of this product may cause vomiting or server damage to the kidney, liver, intestines, and stomach. Inhaling may cause neurological side effects. Ravin Detergent is copyrighted by Ravin\Andrea Household Items. This product is tested on Van and not on animals.
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Factoid- Back to the show. (Aside to some guy) What?! What do you mean Ravin refuses to be on MY show. Well go to plan B. Tell him if he doesn't show we will blow Shadow to smithereens.
(Out loud) It seems our guest will be here shortly.
*Ravin comes running in*
Ravin- SHADOW! Fine I will be on your stupid show.
Factoid- As I knew you would. The object is simple you ask the questions on the cards to one or all of the contestants behind this screen. After you asked all the questions, you will chose a contestant to go on a date. Do you understand.
Ravin- Yes. What the crap?! What stupid questions. I will not ask them. *Sees Factoid holding a gun to Shadow's head* Fine. This is for Bachelorette number One. If I could be Ne kind of dessert I would be eye candy(?!) because I am so good to look at, what would you be?
Bachelorette #One- I would be an American Pie *winks to Ravin* which we all know Van is deathly allergic to, so after you are done with Censored me. We could go and kill Van.
Ravin- I like. Now on to Bachelorette number Two. Some of my personal hobbies include trying to kill Van and get lucky with Reiss. What are some of your hobbies.
Bachelorette #Two- I enjoy taking care of my organoid and Van bashing. I find that his stupid, optimistic attitude gets on my nerves. I think he sucks and is a complete idiot. I mean flying papayas? I am trying to devise a way to kill Van by way of torture.
Ravin starts to smile- Maybe this won't be so bad after all. Bachelorette number three. I see you as being a twenty dollar hooker in ten years, what do you see doing in twenty years? What kind of question was that?
Factoid- Payback for hanging my bear.
Ravin- ?'.';
Bachelorette #3- I see you as either the ruler of the world, or Van's lackey hobo who comes around every Friday looking for some and can't afford it.
Ravin- Screw you!
Bachelorette #3- Twenty dollars.
Factoid- Now that Ravin has met all the contestants, the selection process can begin right after these commercial breaks.
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Is there nothing good on TV? Only ugly, stupid shows?
*Shows a picture of Van on the TV*
Well then I have the thing for you. Ravin: The Documentary. This educational documentary is on the life of every one's favorite person- Ravin! It's the perfect history project. No one cares about the idiot Van!
*Shows a girl boring the history class to death about Van*
Do your history project on RAVIN! Every one loves him! The class will go wild over your project. Your teacher will give you an A or you can get your Ravin-Clone to kill her.
*Shows the girl with an A and thumbs up sign*
Commercial girl- Thanks Ravin: The Documentary. I was a gay loser who liked Van, but now I am a popular woman who all the guys are chasing after. The movie turned my whole life around. Thanks a lot. *Gives the thumb up sign*
Fast Voice- Ravin- Clone sold separately. Buy Ravin: The Documentary today because no one cares about the loser Van. Has a bio on Ravin and idiosyncrasies and people. And never seen footage of him beating up on Van in a bar. Buy Ravin: The Documentary on DVD for $55.89 and VHS for $44.78. Sold at all major retailers. Ravin: The Documentary is a registered trademark of Ravin\Andrea Motion pictures. Brainwashing may occur, but does not institute money back.
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Factoid- Welcome back everyone to Zoids Dating Show broadcasted on channel 19 every weekday at 5:30. Now we are back with Ravin and the three gorgeous bachelorettes. Ravin which bachelorette do you like so far.
Ravin- *looks back and sees some guy holding a bazooka to Shadow's head* Well, it is still kinda early in the game, but so far I must say my fav is Bachelorette #1. I think #3 is somewhat of a wise a$$, but she could be fun.
Factoid- Well isn't that just informative. Now back to the questions, because I wanta go home and do my boy….summer assignments.
Ravin- This is for all of the bachelorettes: Describe to me your idea of a perfect date.
Bachelorette #1- Well I must say that my idea of a perfect date is taking in a French movie, going to an Italian restaurant, hunting down and killing Van, and going to my bachelorette pad and doing each other…'s summer assignments.
Ravin- *smiles* Bachelorette #2?
Bachelorette #2- I would have to say getting into our zoids with our organoids and killing Van. Then making out at a zoid thru movie.
Ravin- *smiles* Bachelorette #3?
Bachelorette #3- I would have to say that my idea of a perfect date would include jumping into your zoid, burning down the local high school, and taking in a movie. I would save Van killing to at least our second date. Either that or make it an anniversary thing.
Ravin- *smiling* The last question is for all three of the sexy bachelorettes again: If you could be any zoid in the world, what would it be?
Bachelorette #1- I would be a Shadow of my former self without you in my be…I mean heart.
Ravin-*smiles even bigger* Bachelorette #2?
Bachelorette #2- I would be a Hellcat, because after I am done with you, you will NEED to go to hell just to cool down.
Ravin-*smiles even bigger* Bachelorette #3?
Bachelorette #3- I would be a Liger, because I like it rrrrougghhhh.
Factoid- Ravin will pick the girl of his dreams when we come back from this commercial break.
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Are you tired of boring, ugly people? Well with the new Ravin drinks and bars, you will have the urge to beat them up.
*shows kids beating up Van* Not only will you beat up stupid, ugly people who are annoying, you will become a beautiful, smart, and talented person. *Camera focuses on Ravin*
Ugly, stupid *Camera focuses on Van*
Smart, intelligent, talented, and a hunk *Camera focuses on Ravin*
You decide.
Fast voice- Results may vary from person to person. Death upon ingestion of the aforementioned products is not proper cause for money back. Keep out of the reach of Van and other optimistic people. Product also double as a clean burning energy source. This products and other products manufactured at Ravin\Andrea Manufactures is not tested on animals, but Van and other perky people.
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Do you hate Van? If so, you should vote Ravin on July 18. Ravin, who would want a better guy to run the world?
*Shows Ravin reading some bill, signing it, and giving a thumbs up sign*
Look at how picturesque he is for the job. Or would you rather have some deformed idiot running the world?
*Shows Van dripping papaya juice on the world treaty*
Ravin- If you elect me I will personally make sure there is a Ban on people like Van!
*Shows Shadow eating Van*
Fast Voice- This add is paid for by the friends of Elect Ravin\Shadow for World Domination. Remember a vote for Ravin is a vote for the death of Van. All funds received from Elect Ravin\Shadow for World Domination goes directly to Ravin\Andrea Corporation. Remember vote the right way, Vote Ravin. If it is found out you voted for someone else, Shadow will make a personal visit to your house to ea…persuade you of your error.
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Factoid- We are back to Zoids Dating Show. Now Ravin will chose the bachelorette of his dreams.
Ravin- While Bachelorette #1 was entertaining and sounded fun, I just don't feel the energy between us. Bachelorette #2 was also fun, but I don't think I am ready for her. So I guess my only choice -considering I have already done Reiss, and I owe Kala a new mattress- is Bachelorette #3!
The audience screams, claps, etc wildly.
Factoid- Ravin and Andrea will enjoy a first date of rampaging and pillaging. *Sniffs* Its so romantic. Well that's all for today. See yall next week!
The audience screams, claps, etc wildly as Ravin and Andrea, followed by Factoid leave.
Fast Voice- This show is paid for by Ravin\Andrea Broadcasting Network. All participants will receive Ravin- Clone Kit and a Van to take their anger out on. Well that's all.
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Author's Notes: NO, I do not use drugs. I am just a Ravin fan, a strange one. Hope you people liked it. Feel free to flame if ya wanta, its no skin off my back. I could also use some ideas and contestants for other characters. I am open to Nething. Please review. I know this is kinda crappy, but it was either this or my Spanish summer assignment. Summer assignments are the work of the devil. And I wrote this in a hurry, so I know it is full of mistakes and what-not. Well that's all I can think of now.
Btw: Bet you can't guess who I am. I hope Kala isn't too mad at me for using her character, Kala. As always, I luv Ravin, ppl who review, my stories, and Ravin. See ya.