Fi
Cowboy says I'm too forgiving.
He's drunk again. He smells of the cheap malt whiskeys they sell down at the harbor and the stench of cigarette smoke and sex clings to him. His speech is slurred, his movements staggering. His eyes are unfocused and his smile wide and vague.
I stand and ask him where he's been. He grins at me, wraps his arms around my waist, and messily kisses me on the cheek. He tells me he's been down at the harbor, drinking with friends. So close to him, the scent of sex is unmistakable and overpowering. I push away from him and ask why he was out so late.
His smile becomes lewd as he replies that he had a little fun. I can feel the tears pricking at the corners of my eyes. He's had "a little fun" nearly every day this week—and never with me. I force back my tears, but he sees them anyway.
He tells me that I shouldn't worry, that he only loves me, and that a guy just needs to get his frustrations out one way or the other. I want to scream and cry and ask him why he never comes to me anymore, but instead I just smile and tell him it's okay, it's natural human behavior.
He grins again, kisses me even more sloppily on the other cheek—it's been months since he kissed me on the lips—runs a hand along my cheek, and tells me goodnight, then staggers off to bed, hiccupping occasionally.
I stand there, watching him walk—well, wobble, really—away. Why do I even bother waiting up anymore? He doesn't even say "I love you" unless he's drunk or under duress. The most I can hope these days for is a fleeting smile and maybe a hand squeeze, if I'm lucky.
Without me, he's just a guy having fun, a guy who's getting his frustrations out. Without me, he's whole. Without him, I'm nothing, just half of a soul, half of what I could have been. Without him, there's no point anymore, just blackness in all directions.
Without him, I'm nothing.
So I forgive him. Every damn time, no matter how badly it hurts. I always say it's okay, even if it really isn't and never will be.
Cowboy says I'm too forgiving.
Maybe I am.
~la fin~
Notes: There we have it, another POV piece from yours truly. If you're curious about the title, it comes from semper fi, the Marines' motto. It's short for semper fideles and means 'always faithful.' I thought it rather fit.