Chapter Four
(Back to Belle and Shawn)
"Get out."
Shawn crossed his arms but did not move. "I just wanted to explain a few things."
Belle shook her head and pointed towards the elevator. "There's nothing to explain, except the meaning of the phrase 'Get Out.' I told you I never wanted to see you again, and I don't."
Belle grabbed her backpack and pushed past Shawn to stick her key in the door.
"Belle... Please... If you ever really loved me, you'll listen to what I have to say."
She paused for a moment and took her key out of the lock. Belle slowly turned to Shawn and crossed her arms over her chest. "I can't believe you. Using the way I feel about you to keep me from walking through this door. I guess you still know what buttons to push."
"I'm sorry... I just... Please hear me out."
Belle nodded and motioned for him to continue. Shawn took a moment to gather his thoughts and then lifted his head to look into her eyes.
"I came here to tell you how sorry I am. I know that I could tell you that a million times and it would never make up for what I did to you. But, I am sorry. If I could go back and change things, I would, but I can't. I wasn't thinking when I made these decisions, and my intentions were good, but I guess I didn't realize what kind of impact they would make on everyone else. When I think about what you must be going through, I feel like I'm dying inside."
Shawn paused and wiped his steadily flowing tears away with the back of his hand. "I love you, Belle... And, I know that you love me. But, I took that love and I threw it away. And that makes me the biggest idiot on the face of the earth."
Belle nodded slowly, her lips pursed together in anger. "Well, you're right. You're right about all of that, but you left a few things out."
"I know..."
Belle shook her head and interrupted him angrily. "No, you don't know. You haven't even paused for a moment and thought about what I have been going through, so don't say that you have. If you had stopped to think about how your actions would affect the people you love, then maybe this would be different right now."
"I didn't know what else to do. Jan was going to have an abortion, and I couldn't let that baby die."
"She manipulated you, Shawn. She used you, and your friendship, to get attention. Don't you ever tell me again that this was the only way, because I know better. I've known your family my entire life, and I know that if you told your parents that your friend was in need, they would have helped Jan no matter what. No questions asked. You didn't have to claim to be the baby's father. You didn't have to lie to me and everyone else."
Shawn looked downward and his tears kept falling. "I'm so sorry... I tried so hard to do the right thing, and it ended up being for nothing. The baby died anyway, and I lost everything... My parents are so angry with me, you hate me, I have no friends, and J.T. is gone... Nothing, I have nothing."
"Shut up, Shawn... Just shut up for a minute." Shawn looked back up at her in surprise and Belle continued, her voice rising with anger. "Don't say anything else, because nothing you can say can fix this. You keep trying to justify your actions to me, but I don't care. You're right, you have lost everything... and maybe that's for the best. Maybe you'll learn a little bit about yourself with all this new alone time you have. I'm trying to feel something for you, pity or sympathy, but I can't feel anything. I love you, Shawn; I can't stop that from being true... But, I hate you too."
"I know you do. And I feel so awful for what I've done."
Belle shook her head and put a hand out to stop him. "Why don't you take a second and think about how awful I feel. Because, all I've heard since this started is how sorry YOU are, and how bad YOU feel. Let me explain a few things to you, Shawn. Let me finally have MY say."
Shawn nodded and motioned for her to continue. Belle took a moment to gather her thoughts; she was not going to let Shawn bring her to tears again. She spoke slowly, chose her words carefully, and made sure to emphasize her anger.
"Let's see, where do I begin? You tell me that you had sex with Jan, and she's having your baby. Do you know how that made me feel? Completely worthless. Like... I'm not good enough for you, I wasn't enough for you. I felt like everything we had was a lie, Shawn, and I thought this happened because of ME. I thought that Jan gave you something that I couldn't, and I blamed myself."
Shawn frowned; her words were clearly getting to him. "But, none of that was true... If anything, I'm one that wasn't good enough for you."
Belle rolled her eyes and huffed in anger. "Whatever... The point is, what you did to me, made me feel like the lowest person on earth. And, then, when I was finally starting to convince myself that it wasn't my fault, and it was safe to believe in love again... You stood in this very same hallway and accused me of killing Jan's baby."
"I'm sorry about that too... I was so confused, I didn't know what to believe."
"Why? Why was this so confusing for you? Why did you even have to make a decision? You have known me my entire life, Shawn... I have never ever hurt someone the way that you accused me of. I've never even hit another person or pushed them. I would have never put Jan or her baby in danger, and if I had thought that they were I would have gotten them help."
Shawn nodded in understanding. "I know... I know that now."
Belle threw her hands up in frustration. "What does it matter NOW? You should have known it then. I have never lied to you, not even a tiny white lie, in all the years that we have known each other. But, you believed and you trusted in Jan. The same Jan who dropped pig's blood on Phillip and Chloe, the same Jan who put a hidden camera in the showers so that she could make money off of Chloe's naked body on the internet. The same Jan who has never done anything but lie for her entire life. This is the person you choose to trust? This is a person you suddenly expect honesty from? Do you even understand how that might make ME feel?"
"I... I don't know what to say to make this better. I don't know what to do. You have to tell me what I can do to fix things."
Belle sighed and her voice grew even louder. "Nothing... You. Can't. Do. Anything. It's not going to go away, and I'm not going to feel better."
The door to Belle's house opened and her father stood in the doorway with one eyebrow raised. "What's going on out here? Your mother and I heard yelling."
Belle pointed towards Shawn and answered. "Nothing, dad. He was just leaving as a matter of fact."
John nodded and looked towards Shawn. "Good, because you're not welcome in my home or anywhere near my daughter. Do you understand?"
Shawn nodded and looked John in the eyes. "Yes, yes sir."
Shawn didn't look towards Belle, he just turned and pressed the button on the elevator. Belle stopped him with the sound of her voice.
"Shawn... Wait a second..."
Shawn turned and looked at her expectantly, and she continued. "I forgot... There are two things I forgot to tell you."
"What? What is it?"
Belle sighed quietly, her expression softening for just a second. "I'm sorry about J.T. I really really am. I'm going to miss him too."
Shawn wiped a tear away and nodded. "Thank you... What's the other thing?"
Belle's body shifted, her posture stiffened and she crossed her arms over her chest and gave him a steely gaze. "Stay away from me. I want to remember the Shawn Brady I used to know. The one that I loved, and trusted. The one that would never lie to me. Or at least I thought so. What you've become... isn't the same person at all. I don't want to talk to you and I don't want to see you again. As far as I'm concerned, you no longer exist to me. I need to move on with my life, and the only way I can do it is to completely forget about you. So, please forget about me too, live your life, be happy and pretend that you never knew me."
Shawn nodded in understanding, and tried to keep himself from crying again. He had done this to himself, and could no longer blame anyone else for his problems. The elevator opened in front of him, and he stepped inside without saying a word to Belle. The doors closed and Belle watched his face disappear behind them.
She managed to smile slightly as he disappeared and quietly whispered to herself. "Goodbye, Shawn..."
Belle turned to look at her father, who had a clear expression of concern on his face. "Belle... Are you alright?"
Belle nodded and hugged her father tightly. "Yeah, daddy... I'm fine. I just did what I had to do. I was so sick of crying all the time over what happened... I had to find a way to end it, so I could try to move on with my life."
John smiled proudly at her. "You're a very strong girl, Izzy B. You make me proud."
Belle smiled back at him in appreciation. "Thank you..."
"Now, come on inside... If I'm not mistaken, it's almost past your bedtime."
Belle grinned and followed her father inside. "Awww... Dad... I'm a little too old to have a bedtime."
Belle headed for the stairs and her father frowned at her. "Please, humor your father for at least a few more months. Pretend like you're still a kid until you go off to college."
Belle nodded and jokingly saluted him. "Sir, yes, sir... I'm off to bed then. Good night, dad."
John laughed softly and bid her good night. "Sleep tight, kiddo."
Belle turned and headed up the stairs to her room, closing the door behind her. She sighed sadly and stood frozen with the doorknob in her hand. Her insides felt cold, and she knew that no matter how many times she said it out loud, she would never be able to forget Shawn. But, she couldn't spend the rest of her life pining for him either.
***
(I started this last week, then went out of town... I'm glad I didn't post it, because I did a bunch of editing when I got back. These are the more angsty chapters; the fun & happy ones are coming soon. Can you tell that I'm just really ticked at Shawn's character right now? Grrrrrrr.)
(Back to Belle and Shawn)
"Get out."
Shawn crossed his arms but did not move. "I just wanted to explain a few things."
Belle shook her head and pointed towards the elevator. "There's nothing to explain, except the meaning of the phrase 'Get Out.' I told you I never wanted to see you again, and I don't."
Belle grabbed her backpack and pushed past Shawn to stick her key in the door.
"Belle... Please... If you ever really loved me, you'll listen to what I have to say."
She paused for a moment and took her key out of the lock. Belle slowly turned to Shawn and crossed her arms over her chest. "I can't believe you. Using the way I feel about you to keep me from walking through this door. I guess you still know what buttons to push."
"I'm sorry... I just... Please hear me out."
Belle nodded and motioned for him to continue. Shawn took a moment to gather his thoughts and then lifted his head to look into her eyes.
"I came here to tell you how sorry I am. I know that I could tell you that a million times and it would never make up for what I did to you. But, I am sorry. If I could go back and change things, I would, but I can't. I wasn't thinking when I made these decisions, and my intentions were good, but I guess I didn't realize what kind of impact they would make on everyone else. When I think about what you must be going through, I feel like I'm dying inside."
Shawn paused and wiped his steadily flowing tears away with the back of his hand. "I love you, Belle... And, I know that you love me. But, I took that love and I threw it away. And that makes me the biggest idiot on the face of the earth."
Belle nodded slowly, her lips pursed together in anger. "Well, you're right. You're right about all of that, but you left a few things out."
"I know..."
Belle shook her head and interrupted him angrily. "No, you don't know. You haven't even paused for a moment and thought about what I have been going through, so don't say that you have. If you had stopped to think about how your actions would affect the people you love, then maybe this would be different right now."
"I didn't know what else to do. Jan was going to have an abortion, and I couldn't let that baby die."
"She manipulated you, Shawn. She used you, and your friendship, to get attention. Don't you ever tell me again that this was the only way, because I know better. I've known your family my entire life, and I know that if you told your parents that your friend was in need, they would have helped Jan no matter what. No questions asked. You didn't have to claim to be the baby's father. You didn't have to lie to me and everyone else."
Shawn looked downward and his tears kept falling. "I'm so sorry... I tried so hard to do the right thing, and it ended up being for nothing. The baby died anyway, and I lost everything... My parents are so angry with me, you hate me, I have no friends, and J.T. is gone... Nothing, I have nothing."
"Shut up, Shawn... Just shut up for a minute." Shawn looked back up at her in surprise and Belle continued, her voice rising with anger. "Don't say anything else, because nothing you can say can fix this. You keep trying to justify your actions to me, but I don't care. You're right, you have lost everything... and maybe that's for the best. Maybe you'll learn a little bit about yourself with all this new alone time you have. I'm trying to feel something for you, pity or sympathy, but I can't feel anything. I love you, Shawn; I can't stop that from being true... But, I hate you too."
"I know you do. And I feel so awful for what I've done."
Belle shook her head and put a hand out to stop him. "Why don't you take a second and think about how awful I feel. Because, all I've heard since this started is how sorry YOU are, and how bad YOU feel. Let me explain a few things to you, Shawn. Let me finally have MY say."
Shawn nodded and motioned for her to continue. Belle took a moment to gather her thoughts; she was not going to let Shawn bring her to tears again. She spoke slowly, chose her words carefully, and made sure to emphasize her anger.
"Let's see, where do I begin? You tell me that you had sex with Jan, and she's having your baby. Do you know how that made me feel? Completely worthless. Like... I'm not good enough for you, I wasn't enough for you. I felt like everything we had was a lie, Shawn, and I thought this happened because of ME. I thought that Jan gave you something that I couldn't, and I blamed myself."
Shawn frowned; her words were clearly getting to him. "But, none of that was true... If anything, I'm one that wasn't good enough for you."
Belle rolled her eyes and huffed in anger. "Whatever... The point is, what you did to me, made me feel like the lowest person on earth. And, then, when I was finally starting to convince myself that it wasn't my fault, and it was safe to believe in love again... You stood in this very same hallway and accused me of killing Jan's baby."
"I'm sorry about that too... I was so confused, I didn't know what to believe."
"Why? Why was this so confusing for you? Why did you even have to make a decision? You have known me my entire life, Shawn... I have never ever hurt someone the way that you accused me of. I've never even hit another person or pushed them. I would have never put Jan or her baby in danger, and if I had thought that they were I would have gotten them help."
Shawn nodded in understanding. "I know... I know that now."
Belle threw her hands up in frustration. "What does it matter NOW? You should have known it then. I have never lied to you, not even a tiny white lie, in all the years that we have known each other. But, you believed and you trusted in Jan. The same Jan who dropped pig's blood on Phillip and Chloe, the same Jan who put a hidden camera in the showers so that she could make money off of Chloe's naked body on the internet. The same Jan who has never done anything but lie for her entire life. This is the person you choose to trust? This is a person you suddenly expect honesty from? Do you even understand how that might make ME feel?"
"I... I don't know what to say to make this better. I don't know what to do. You have to tell me what I can do to fix things."
Belle sighed and her voice grew even louder. "Nothing... You. Can't. Do. Anything. It's not going to go away, and I'm not going to feel better."
The door to Belle's house opened and her father stood in the doorway with one eyebrow raised. "What's going on out here? Your mother and I heard yelling."
Belle pointed towards Shawn and answered. "Nothing, dad. He was just leaving as a matter of fact."
John nodded and looked towards Shawn. "Good, because you're not welcome in my home or anywhere near my daughter. Do you understand?"
Shawn nodded and looked John in the eyes. "Yes, yes sir."
Shawn didn't look towards Belle, he just turned and pressed the button on the elevator. Belle stopped him with the sound of her voice.
"Shawn... Wait a second..."
Shawn turned and looked at her expectantly, and she continued. "I forgot... There are two things I forgot to tell you."
"What? What is it?"
Belle sighed quietly, her expression softening for just a second. "I'm sorry about J.T. I really really am. I'm going to miss him too."
Shawn wiped a tear away and nodded. "Thank you... What's the other thing?"
Belle's body shifted, her posture stiffened and she crossed her arms over her chest and gave him a steely gaze. "Stay away from me. I want to remember the Shawn Brady I used to know. The one that I loved, and trusted. The one that would never lie to me. Or at least I thought so. What you've become... isn't the same person at all. I don't want to talk to you and I don't want to see you again. As far as I'm concerned, you no longer exist to me. I need to move on with my life, and the only way I can do it is to completely forget about you. So, please forget about me too, live your life, be happy and pretend that you never knew me."
Shawn nodded in understanding, and tried to keep himself from crying again. He had done this to himself, and could no longer blame anyone else for his problems. The elevator opened in front of him, and he stepped inside without saying a word to Belle. The doors closed and Belle watched his face disappear behind them.
She managed to smile slightly as he disappeared and quietly whispered to herself. "Goodbye, Shawn..."
Belle turned to look at her father, who had a clear expression of concern on his face. "Belle... Are you alright?"
Belle nodded and hugged her father tightly. "Yeah, daddy... I'm fine. I just did what I had to do. I was so sick of crying all the time over what happened... I had to find a way to end it, so I could try to move on with my life."
John smiled proudly at her. "You're a very strong girl, Izzy B. You make me proud."
Belle smiled back at him in appreciation. "Thank you..."
"Now, come on inside... If I'm not mistaken, it's almost past your bedtime."
Belle grinned and followed her father inside. "Awww... Dad... I'm a little too old to have a bedtime."
Belle headed for the stairs and her father frowned at her. "Please, humor your father for at least a few more months. Pretend like you're still a kid until you go off to college."
Belle nodded and jokingly saluted him. "Sir, yes, sir... I'm off to bed then. Good night, dad."
John laughed softly and bid her good night. "Sleep tight, kiddo."
Belle turned and headed up the stairs to her room, closing the door behind her. She sighed sadly and stood frozen with the doorknob in her hand. Her insides felt cold, and she knew that no matter how many times she said it out loud, she would never be able to forget Shawn. But, she couldn't spend the rest of her life pining for him either.
***
(I started this last week, then went out of town... I'm glad I didn't post it, because I did a bunch of editing when I got back. These are the more angsty chapters; the fun & happy ones are coming soon. Can you tell that I'm just really ticked at Shawn's character right now? Grrrrrrr.)
