Chakotay sat in sickbay with dark circles under his eyes. Kathryn had, had a relapse of what ever had been wrong with her and ever since the doctor had finished stabilizing her, he was right there by her side. Seconds turned to minutes and minutes turned to hours. And the whole time he sat there holding her hand. "COMMANDER!" It was the doctor. "Not again." Chakotay mumbled under his breath. The EMH looked like he was going to explode. 'If only holograms could'. He thought. "COMMANDER!" the voice repeated itself. Chakotay forced a wan smile. "Yes Doctor?" The Doctor shook his head and waved his finger. "Don't smile at me Commander! You're not fooling anyone." The Doctor sighed and lowered his voice and softened his tone. "Commander, I." The doctor stopped, he wasn't that good at easing the kind of pain that you couldn't fix with a tricorder but the Commander needed it. "Commander, everyone has been hit hard by what has happened to the Captain. Not only are you her first officer but her friend." The doctor wrung his hands and searched for the words to say. "And I know that it pains you to see her this way. But rest assured that I am trying my best to find out what's wrong." In a bold attempt the Doctor walked over to Chakotay and placed his hand on his shoulder. "All though it may seem that your proper place is here right now, its not. Your proper place is in your quarters getting some rest so that when its time for your shift you'll be able to try your best to fill her shoes. It's probably impossible but out of all the people on this crew I think you've come closest. That's exactly why you're her first officer, because she trusts you to do all you can for your crew, her crew." The doctor held out his hand in a truce almost more than helping Chakotay but a strong act of kindness. Chakotay took his hand and eventually came to his feet. "Thank you Doctor." The Doctor smiled. "Anytime Commander, anytime." Chakotay walked out of sickbay after looking back a few times. He yawned and decided that maybe he needed the rest.

(=/\=)

Chakotay sat on the bridge a thousand light years away. But truthfully it was the sullen look on his face that gave him away. Most of the officers on the bridge felt the same way although they tried to hide it. Tom who had been feeling horrible too allowed the behavior to continue but after a while but he couldn't handle it, especially from the Commander who had looked the saddest of them all. Tom knew he wasn't suppose to, but he left his post to talk to the Commander. Tom approached him and knelt down. Tuvok shot Tom a few threatening looks but decided that maybe it was in the Commander's best interests. "Commander, I couldn't help but see you sitting over here looking so. lonely." Tom tried again. "Commander, I'd like to think of you as my friend and I hope you feel the same way. But when friends have problems they . talk to another friend about it." The Commander stared at Tom long and hard before he got up and beckoned him into to Kathryn's ready room. Chakotay took a seat at one side of the desk and motioned for Tom to sit on the opposite side. Chakotay looked out the port window for a while, while he searched for his voice, after realizing what he was doing; sitting in her chair looking out her window he found it. "You know, last night when the doctor kicked me out of sickbay he gave me more of a goodbye speech on The Captain's behalf then a reassurance that she'd be okay in the morning when I returned." Tom winced, was it really that bad? "And to be honest Tom, it scares me. It scares the hell out of me." Tom finally felt in total all that the crew had been feeling this morning, the feeling of emptiness that nothing could fill. Tom tried to speak. "I.I." Chakotay smiled. "Feel the same way but you can't explain it?" Tom nodded. "She'll make it through, she always does. She's a fighter Chakotay, you picked a fighter." Chakotay had caught the last part of the sentence but decided that maybe he was right. "Tom I would like to." "The Doctor to Chakotay." Chakotay's heart fell "I would like you to come down to sickbay its concerning the Captain." "On my way." Chakotay looked at Tom. "What if." Tom shook his head. "You gotta have faith." Chakotay and Tom exchanged smiles. Tom rested his feet on the desk and sat with his hands behind his head. Tom spoke again.

"Oh and commander, you're welcome." Chakotay waved it off and stepped on to the bridge. "Tuvok you have the bridge, if anyone needs to reach me I'll be in sickbay." "Aye sir." "Lieutenant Paris, please return to your post." The Vulcan stood to take his seat in the Commander's chair "Tuvok do I have to?" "Lieutenant!" "Coming, coming." Chakotay chuckled softly as he headed for sickbay.

(=/\=)

As soon as he got off the turbo lift he started running down the hall. He didn't know what he was running into but he knew he had to get there. He barged into the room. What he saw was frightening. The Kathryn that he had left the night before the one that he though would never wake up was wide-awake and very alert. She was huddled in a corner mumbling to herself. He felt like crying, he knew something was wrong and he couldn't even beginning to think about what might happen if she was. Chakotay approached the Doctor. He cleared his throat yet his voice still cracked. "What's wrong with her Doctor." The doctor sighed deeply. "I have some good news and some bad. I've found out what's wrong with her and I know how to cure it but." "Go on." "I'm not exactly sure on how to cure her." "Doctor I'm confused? You just said you've found a cure but then again you don't have it?" The doctor took a deep breath. "I've found what had been ailing her. I found this sort of microchip in her brain. It has a Cardassian insignia on it. it's Cardassian technology." Chakotay punched the wall in anger. "Cardassians, always the source of my problems." The doctor sympathized with the former Maquis Captain "The chip seems to be an early prototype of the PC, Pain Chip if you will. It's implanted into the cerebral cortex and simulates pain. Removing the chip would be easy, but I'm afraid that it might damage her mentally. If my calculations are correct, the jolts of pain are programmed to occur at night. And after awhile she seemed to have it under control. But this has been happening for years. It wasn't until a few weeks ago when it really started to get serious." "How long would years be?" Chakotay really didn't want to hear the answer but he had to know how much she had suffered. "Twenty give or take some years." Chakotay didn't know what to say. "What can we do." The doctor gestured towards his office. Chakotay nodded silently and followed the doctor behind the glass "Well I called you down here for a purpose, the reason I can't remove the chip is because it has damaged her memories of that time. I was wondering if you could help her in two ways. Maybe if we can get those memories to surface we can conquer that part of the problem." the Doctor paused but Chakotay urged him on. "Go on." "I need you to relive those memories with her. Not like a mind meld but something more along the lines of listening to a storyteller." Chakotay nodded. "Don't agree to it just yet Commander, I haven't finished. The only time this window would be open is at night, which I'm guessing is appropriate knowing the Cardassians. You would lose a lot of sleep. And you would have to be with her at all times during the night. I asked you here because you're the captains friend and your also a spiritual healer. Although I'm programmed not to believe in such things I feel that she needs it. Somewhere in there she's bent. But you are also the commander of this ship." "I don't care." "There's more, I can not treat her for this. It would all be mental and I can't fix those kinds of problems. Believe me the pain would be real, but it wouldn't be physical and I'm not sure if you can deal with that." Chakotay shook his head in frustration "Doctor I don't understand, wouldn't her body be relieved to end the torment." The doctor furrowed his brow. "She's an addict. Pain is her drug and she's addicted to it. Having it just snatched away is hard. You may not understand now but if you are willing to do this you'll understand later." Chakotay nodded. "I'll do it." The Doctor nodded back in understanding. The doctor sighed. "You both are free to go." Chakotay walked over to Kathryn and offered his hand. "Come on Captain, it looks like we'll be spending the night in my quarters." Kathryn laughed. "I wish I was a captain, me handle a whole ship. I'm just out of academy. I knew Admiral Paris liked me a lot but it would take me more than two years to become a Captain." Chakotay turned to face the doctor the doctor closed his eyes and nodded seeing how torn up Chakotay was he intervened. "Ensign Janeway, although you will be spending the days with me you're going to have to spend your nights with this man." She smiled and sized him up not that she wouldn't mind. He did seem old for her age but he was still cute. "Excuse me doctor but I seem to be hearing you wrong." Chakotay sighed, same old Kathryn. "No Ensign, as wrong as it may sound you've heard right." "Why would I . not to be rude. but why would I stay in his quarters? He's not female obviously so it wouldn't make sense for me to. share quarters with him." Chakotay couldn't help but laugh, she sounded like a young teenager. "And we're obviously not involved, I mean not to complement you too much but I would remember someone like you." Chakotay blushed, as gratifying as the compliment were, they still stung. "Well Ensign he'll assist in the healing of your illness, your problem with the Cardassians." Kathryn shuttered. "If I ever met one I would remember." The doctor shook his head, he had forgotten. "Come on Kathryn I think its time for you to turn in." She looked perplexed. "How do you know my first name?" 'Think Chakotay think.' "Well. I . uh I. Knew you father." The doctor glared at him, not knew, know! "Uh I mean I've met your father on occasion and he talks of you often, especially Admiral Paris he's very proud to be called your mentor." 'There you go.' The doctor smiled. "Well Ensign I wish you a pleasant night." Chakotay frowned; it was going to be everything but that. "Ensign, would you mind waiting outside as me and the doctor discuss something in private?" "No not at all." She waited for him to finish her sentence. "Commander." Kathryn blushed; she had been talking to a Commander LIKE THAT? She quickly exited the foreign sickbay and waited like she was told.

(=/\=)

"Doctor you seemed to have left that out." "It's not that bad commander." "Not that bad?!?!" "It only happens during the day I'm guessing it's a way of bring back the memories." "She doesn't remember anything about me she doesn't remember that she." "Ha, not like she ever admitted it to you because we all know you're too scared, so she doesn't remember but it's not like you're missing anything. Besides I told you it would hurt." The Doctor's words stung they seemed to be talking about one subject yet a totally different one at the same time. Chakotay stood there watching him. "Commander if you have nothing to say to me then I suggest that you don't keep Ensign Janeway waiting any longer." Chakotay stormed out of sickbay cursing under his breath. "Is there something wrong Commander?" Those words hurt too, they sounded like they came from his Kathryn but they didn't roll off of her tongue as easily. "No, it's nothing. Lets just go to bed." Kathryn snorted behind him. "ENSIGN" He roared, he wasn't in the mood for it, so this is how frustrating it was for her. He was beginning to hate himself. "Sorry sir." "I'm sorry I lost my temper, lets just go." He started down the corridor and she followed him step for step like any good Ensign would do, and it was that, that annoyed him.



A/N: I don't know if my chapter made any sense but I had to get the explanation thingy off my back so I could do some more interesting stuff so if you had doubt in this chapter your not alone but I promise the next on will be good. Though I do like the ensign Janeway twist, its kind of like what they say about kids. We're there to torment our parents like they have years before. I CAN'T SPELL so don't hate me.