(A/N Elves are going to be really OOC in this and upcoming chapters because it's easier to torture Paullina that way, mwahahahahahaha. Also, I was never really satisfied with this chapter, but I've tweaked and embellished it a few times. Hope it doesn't fall short of your expectations Angel- chan.)

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The Story With No Title

No One Expects the Elvish Inquisition [1]





"Good evening Paul." Elrond looked rather grim and Paullina felt a chill in the pit of her stomach.

"Good evening." Paullina stood waiting.

"Please sit." Elrond motioned to a chair. This chair was curiously placed in the middle of the room, a rather vulnerable position, but having no choice she sat down. 'This is not good' Elrond stood a pace or so in front of her, the other occupants of the room were spread out either sitting or standing. All eyes were on her.

"Paul you've been summoned here to discus your behavior today, most notably at the bath."

"And what of my behavior at the bath?"

"It was most confusing and we would like to know why you acted in that way?"

'Now I'm getting pissed' "What? Is it strange to be incensed by having my bath and privacy invaded?" She glared hard at Elrond then Liriel, who sat near the fireplace.

Elrond looked at the other elves then turned back to Paullina. "And afterward?"

"I know, I know. Running around less than half dressed was markedly…disruptive, but I was very angry and did not mean to disturb anyone…" Her voice trailed off because Elrond was shaking her head. "What?"

"Paul I was not referring to that. I was speaking of a more recent incident. With the Lady Liriel…in your chamber."

Paullina raised an eyebrow. 'Where is this heading?' "What of it?"

Liriel finally stirred and got to her feet. "You refused me!"

"And you're surprised because?"

"Well, look at me." Liriel stood there looking quite confident in her looks and charms. Paullina had to admit that Liriel was quite beautiful, but what elf wasn't? To the average observer Paul was a regular male, but Paullina was still Paullina and she was most definitely female.

'Why me?' "Liriel, wouldn't my behavior at the bath indicate to you that I was not pleased with nor receptive of your advances?"

"But Paul, if you were upset that I invaded your privacy why did you bound naked out of the bath?"

Paullina rolled her eyes back. "Because I did not care. I was having a good day and you disrupted my harmony. That is why I was angry."

"But why?"

Paullina was quite tired of this. She closed her eyes and leaned her head back.

"You're hiding something." Paullina looked up at this accusation. 'DUH!' "Paul, if you have a wife back home please just tell me."

"No, I have no wife." Paullina was having a hard time holding back her laughter. 'Poor Liriel'

"What then? A betrothed, love, lover, tell me!"

"No, none."

Elrond finally intervened. "Paul, this refusal amazes me. You have nothing tying you to another yet you reject Liriel. She is a virtuous and beautiful maiden who is quite devoted to you. I think you should reconsider."

After this many of the previously silent members of the inquisition voiced their agreement and for the next ten minutes she had to hear them banter back and forth why accepting Liriel was the best thing "he" could do and how rejecting her was cruel and quite stupid. Paullina stared at them dumbstruck slowly loosing her patience.

"Stop it!" Paullina jumped to her feet and all conversation stopped. "What is with you people? As far as I know elves never force others to marry, whether against their will or heart. Talk about acting out of character. Why are you trying to force Liriel on me?" Paullina was gesticulating wildly throughout her little speech throwing all the elves for a loop.

Coming out of his shock first Elrond spoke. "But Paul have you not heard us? It is a perfect match. If you would only agree I would bless the union and you could be wed."

"Why are you rushing this?" She closed her eyes and tried to control her temper. 'Don't loose your temper, calm down. An Elrond with a broken nose would be a very pissed and dangerous Elrond'

"You are a mortal and Liriel wishes to spend as much time she can with you."

"Elrond, my being a mortal is the biggest reason why I'm refusing her." 'That and I'm a WOMAN! They're driving me nuts I can't take this much longer. Maybe I should tell them. No, they won't believe you and they'll lock you away and question you for hours. Just keep on refusing'

"Paul, you have no feelings for me then?" Liriel walked forward looking rather forlorn.

"No, other than what I'm feeling now and none of them are pleasant."

This incited another barrage of arguments on Liriel's behalf. She wished she could spout her favorite South Park line, "Screw you guys, I'm going home", but she had no home to return to. She ended up throwing her hands up in disgust and stomping to the door and making a loud exit.

The elves stopped talking and looked from one to another. One would think Liriel would break down and cry or at least mope or get angry, but she was remarkably resilient and determined and despite Paullina's never ending refusals Liriel had not given up all hope.

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[1] Kudos for Camilla Sandman for the inspiration behind the name of this chapter. At the time it was not apparent to me how I came up with the title, but it is obvious now that I did because of the Orkish Inquisition in Camilla's most glorious and far superior fanfiction, The Official Fanfiction University of Middle-earth. If you have not read it I highly recommend it