The Threshold of Darkness and Light

Chapter 20

She picked up her feet with each step, hearing the gravel crunch under her. Despite the fact that Kina hadn't been there for nearly a year and it was dark as midnight, her feet knew the path to the graveyard as though she had just been there the day before. In fact, the day before she had a gravestone put in place next to her mothers for John, but she couldn't bring herself to go there. But here she was, walking down that dirt pathway. Kina had walked along this pathway for years and she had walked down it many, many times. She decided to come visit them early in the morning, when the sun was beginning to rise but wasn't quite there yet. And then the familiar tune found it's way to Kina's lips. Every step the words flowed into her mind again and again. She always sang some kind of song when she was going there. Then the words softly tumbled out of her mouth.

~*~

As my tears keep overflowing one after another,

I can't see your last smile through their blur

Please don't go, please don't go... Stay here

Light bursts through the sky.

Even this insignificant me

Loved you more than anyone, with all my soul

Thank you for all of

The precious feelings

You've given to me

~*~

The cherry blossoms had begun to bloom, as they always did around this time of year. The silken pink petals angelically fluttered towards the ground, being tossed and turned by the wind. Blown this way and that. Kina was almost there. Soft footfalls echoed through the grove that she had just entered. Three gravestones were in front of her. All the grave markers were sandy. She dusted them all off as she sat down next to them, in the shade of a nearby tree. She paused for a second, wondering what there was to tell her family. Something deep within Kina nagged at her, something that she had meant to say every time she talked to them, but never did. "Mom, Dad, John...I really miss you."

~*~



Please don't forget

You're not alone.

Even if we're apart, we can still carry on hand-in-hand.

With my first loss I realized there could be great sorrow

Even if something lapses away, something will

Live once again.

When you gave me a smile as we parted, it was

Your message for me

To truly live with all my heart

~*~

"Hi again everybody. I brought you all some flowers." Kina tenderly set down three bouquets of brightly colored daisies, lilies, roses, and more. "How are you all doing? I'm doing ok...everyone is taking great care of me. But they are really worried about me, I can tell. I don't want them to be worried, I feel like I'm being such a burden. I said that to Yue and he told me to never think that way. I'm sorry I couldn't save you John..." Kina stopped herself, pausing for a moment. She sat in silence for what seemed like an hour, just watching the graves as the world moved on around her.

~*~

I just know that we'll see each other someday

If we're together,

Even if we're far apart, we can gaze in each other's eyes

Let's bet everything on all our hopes and dreams

~*~

"I'm becoming happy gradually, which makes me even more fearful of having that happiness shattered. I'm thinking, "I wonder how long this happiness will last?" I can't plunge myself 100% into feeling happy...I'm always around 10% nervous. I'm afraid if I let myself get back my usual personality things will be ruined again. It seems like everything is against me. But this isn't a pity party and I know if you all could talk, you'd be yelling at me. Nothing is all "happiness" and "joy". When you're alone, you feel sadder... And you're nervous... And you come to know a lot of other feelings too. I feel alone without you guys but I have Yue, Nuriko, Hotohori and Shui! Then I have Shiva and Zion and Nicholas. I'm very lucky but I do miss you three very much. It's just not always the same. I...I wrote this yesterday when I had some free time....I'm going to read it to you....it's a poem..." Kina pulled out a sheet of crumpled paper and began to read out loud.

"On the graves these flowers lie,

Pretty yellow petals lined side by side.

As far as I can see, row by row,

Straight onward down, as far as they'll go.

Hundreds of breathless bodies below the ground,

Seen by piles of graves and sand, mound by mound,

And hidden here within the earth,

Lies my pain so deep one can't know the hurt.

My whole family and life lie beneath my feet,

Buried far from the reach of my grasp.

Each rested spirit meaning a thousand thoughts to me,

Each one having a tender memory to cast.

Beside that stone, lies my mother

Who was the happiest, most wonderful person.

My cheery caretaker, optimistic and full of smiles,

Now lies under the ground.

I grew up with my brother, he's buried over there,

His mixed up ways were always for a right reason,

Even though they weren't always fair

My father lies next to my mother dear

He had the golden heart of a bear

But I'm sorry, I can't see anymore - Not even a trace.

For my tears have claimed me as I glance on and on,

And see that they don't end, these graves I look upon.

Stretching on out to infinity's end,

Leaving me without a single piece of precious family.

Without my prideful father nor caring mother,

Without even the earnest smiles of my big brother.

Not a soul left here to see me cry,

Knowing that I'm alone no matter how hard I try.

"I miss you…"

I whisper as sorrow rages through,

And in the silence I wish that they only knew.

If only they knew my deepest desire,

The desire to defy

The limits of my earthly life,

And be with those who forever lie.

Be with those who stay row by row,

Onwards down as far as they'll go.

Be forever with those lined side by side,

Always there by the graves on which these flowers lie."

She finished the poem, tears blurring her vision. The ink on the paper was now smudged from a gentle rain that began to drizzle down on Kina, soaking her cloths. "I've got a wonderful life and it's all thanks to you! One day we'll all meet and be a family again. Everybody sends their love. I've got to be on my way now, Shiva is expecting me to show up with some fast food for her. Mom, Dad, treat John tenderly and with love as you always do, he deserves it. I won't let your sacrifice be in vain John...I won't...! Until next time, good-bye...You all will always be right here." Kina pointed to her heart. With a quick smile Kina stood up. She kissed her fingertips and then touched each one of the marble graves. The sun was now overhead, telling Kina she had been there for a few hours. Kina took one last long glance over her shoulder as she turned back to where she came from. She began to sprint down the dirt pathway, away from the cold stones that were now littered with colorful flowers. Her tears blended in with the rain.

~*~

Kina was now wandering the city. She knew they'd be mad at her for being late and that they'd be worried. And that they'd yell at her when she finally arrived at the hospital to visit Shiva but right now, Kina couldn't bring herself to face them. The guilt and regret of her actions kept eating away at her heart, bit by bit. It was turning her bitter and cold and to be frank, it scared her. Moments when she'd normally smile, they didn't make her smile, they only made her frown or just do nothing. The cold bit at her skin, making it go numb and tingle, just like her heart. How long had it been? Seconds? Minutes? Hours? She didn't know and she didn't care. A freezing wind whipped her hair around like a red explosion. Ever since her parents died, there had been an empty hole within her. She had worked so hard to fill it up and suddenly, it was ripped brutally open again. She could not spend a day without hurting. She could not find the strength to eat, wandering aimlessly on the streets instead, or crying herself to sleep. Her brother had meant so much to her, even if they fought so much and her parents had taught her so much. And now they all were gone. Forever. "I feel so cold." Kina found herself leaning against the brick wall of a dark alley. Her body slid down, crumpling into a broken pile of shivering flesh. The tears flowed, they hadn't for a while and yet here they arrived. Her friends had taken her to the movies, out to eat, anything to cheer her up. But she couldn't enjoy the movie, it was happy and she was sad. "I try to go about my business but it just isn't the same. Everything has become so hard. I know you're here with me John, in my heart. I try to tell myself it'll all be all right. But I feel so dead inside. I hope the angels will sing for you John...sometimes I try so hard to understand the things you do, but why should I question you? I should stand up strong and feel the pain. But the tears always start to fall and I doubt myself." The raindrops fell into her hair, the crystal droplets of water trickling down her face. She struggled to pull herself back up, hidden by the darkness of night. "I want to feel just like before, before the rain came inside and tore me apart. It made me cry until I'd drown. I want to give all my love to my friends, to Yue and Shui." She clenched her fist, a look of determination passing over her face. "All I have I'll give to you Yue...I'm smiling for you only, trying for you solely, praying for you only, no more crying! I want to hear your laugh again. If it's true what people say, there is still beauty in each day, we'll find comfort in each others strengths." A genuine smile lit up Kina's face as she turned, racing towards the hospital in the raining darkness.

"KINA!!!" She heard a voice behind her scream. Kina stopped, slowly turning around to be bombarded with a tight embrace.

"Where have you been!?!" Yue scolded her. "We were so worried!!" He froze when he saw the streaked tear marks that blended in with her wet face. "We're soaked! You might get sick! Come on!"

"I'm so sorry Yue! I went to the grave and then I couldn't bring myself to go see you all..." Kina sniffed as she held onto Yue's arm tightly.

"Hey darling, it's ok. I understand, I just wish you had told me where you were. We'll always be here for you Kina, and you should know that. We all love you." Yue wrapped his arm around her, bringing her close against him. "You're shivering. Let's go home."

Kina smiled and closed her eyes, snuggling her head against his shoulder. Before she knew what was happening, Yue lifted her up. "I'll carry you home. You just go to sleep." He whispered to her. Kina flashed him a tender look and soon she was sound asleep.

Black.

Black is the color of the night sky.

Rain.

Rain is the symbol of giving new life and taking it away. Kina's brother would always be there, haunting her heart along with her parents...but she could think of them when the rains came, there to wash her tears and make her smile. For now, she would let her heart fly, hope, and love...on the wings of an angel.