Vengeful Nightmares
Chapter 15
Hoggle stood by the window in his room while Sarah busied herself elsewhere, though what she was up to exactly he didn't know. Since awakening they had all had the opportunity for a quick wash, though Sarah seemed to wish for a change of clothes. Hoggle, who was too sheepish to admit that he only owned seven sets of clothing which he rotated during the week, had kept silent. He was watching a small group of children play in the snow, an activity he had no memory of doing and one that he had no desire to ever attempt. It was cold and wet, and had a nasty habit of seeping into one's boots.
The dwarf sighed and rested his arms on the sill. The searing agony he had felt the night before had subsided to a dull ache, but it was still there, eating away at him like an icy parasite. He would almost have welcomed last night's tearful convulsions over this hollow cold. Almost. Didymus saw me too…He saw how weak I am. Idiot! Stupid!
A lump rose in his throat, and he swallowed it back. No, I won' do it again! No. No more cryin' fer you, Hoggle. Couldn't be helped last night, but it can now! So you just stop it! He held his breath and focused on the horizon. The tears came anyway, but he had succeeded in staying calm. He nodded to himself. That's fine…just not that other.
He froze. Someone was approaching the door. Hastily he wiped his eyes and gave his head a shake, and just in time. It was Sarah, and he felt a surge of relief that it was not that fae woman.
"It's almost that time." she told him. Her face was drawn and tired as she came up beside him. "Somethin' wrong?" he asked.
She sighed, and nodded wearily. "I have less than a week to get to the city of the fae and back, and it's too far for us to walk."
Hoggle just looked at her, knowing that she was leading up to something.
"Shiva told me that I can make it in a day if I take cougar form and run, but the rest of you won't be able to keep up." She held up a hand to stop his protests, and continued, "I can carry one of you on my back. Not Ludo, he'll definitely have to stay behind, but I can carry either you or Didymus. I can't carry both of you, and I haven't told Didymus yet. I'm not sure what I should do."
"I ain't stayin' here." Hoggle said flatly.
"But Hoggle, after everything that's happened…" she stopped abruptly, recognizing the look he was giving her; it was the look of a caged animal, both fearful and volatile.
"All the more reason fer me not ta stay here." He argued, gripping the sill and looking down at the laughing, shrieking children. "I knows what yer worried about, Sarah, but I'm fine. Or, rather, I will be when I leave this hell hole. You see those kids, Sarah? he pointed.
"Yes."
"Take a closer look at them two right there."
Sarah leaned forward so that her nose was almost touching the glass, her breath causing the window to fog. She looked at the children that Hoggle had pointed to, and stared. One of the children, a little boy, had a split lip and a black eye. The other one, a girl, had similar marks on her face and neck. "They could have gotten them playing." She said quickly, but Hoggle shook his head.
"Them's new bruises, Sarah, and they had them when they got here." He looked up and touched his own cheek as if feeling the pain of old bruises. "I envy you, Sarah. You had it easy, and I'm glad fer ya, but I woulda killed to grow up in your home. You…You think I was the only dwarf kid to get beat up on? Ha!" He turned away and put his hand on the frosty glass.
They were silent for a while, and Hoggle turned his back on the playing children. Sarah thought carefully for a moment, and decided to ask the question that had been on her mind for some time. "Hoggle…don't get mad, but…how old were you when you left home?"
The dwarf shrugged and looked to his left; Sarah was at his right. "Thirteen." He mumbled, and continued to look away from her.
"You were only thirteen?" she asked in a small, strained voice. He turned so that his back was to her and his left fist rested on the windowsill. His shoulders began to quiver as he tried vainly to choke back tears.
Sarah felt a stab of guilt as she reached out to rub his back. "I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to upset you."
Hoggle, unable to speak, gave his head a fierce shake.
"You want me to leave?" she asked quietly, and he shook his head again. Swallowing hard, he rubbed his eyes and drew a long breath.
"Sorry." he said, "Just…just too many things in my head right now. Some of it I don't know if I kin rightly believe. It…it wasn't you, Sarah. I…" he looked down at his hands, which were twisting knots in his shirttail. "I was…damn it!"
"What?"
"I wasn't done when you came in…I was too 'shamed ta let you see." he swiped at his eyes again, cursing under his breath. Sarah could see his neck reddening with his embarrassment, and her heart turned over painfully.
"Hoggle…after all that's happened, you're entitled. I'd be embarrassed too, but there's really nothing wrong with it. I'm sorry I interrupted."
"Aw, hell." He swore. "Interrupt me. This ain't the time. There's still stuff to do." He turned, and though his face bore the evidence of his grief, his eyes were determined. "We gonna do it, or what?"
Sarah smiled, and quickly hugged him before he could protest.
* * *
It was harder to leave the others behind than Sarah and Hoggle had thought it would be. After much argument Didymus conceded that Sarah was right, that Hoggle should be allowed to go, and kissed her hand in farewell. Ludo lifted her off the ground in a bear hug, and purred mournfully.
"Ludo love Sarah. Come back to Ludo, Did-mus." he said earnestly, setting her down.
"I love you too, big guy. Take care."
Hoggle hung back and watched the exchange with a sinking heart. He didn't realize what it meant until the fox approached him. Didymus, usually so straight-backed and military, surprised him by taking his hand and giving it a hearty shake. "Farewell, Sir Hoggle. When this is done I shall buy thee a tankard of the finest ale, and you shall tell me what I missed, eh?" he said, and Hoggle noticed with some amusement that he had said 'you' and 'shall' instead of 'thou' and 'shalt'.
"Sounds good to me, but just tell me one thing. I ain't no knight, so why do ya insist on callin' me 'Sir' Hoggle?"
"Why, because thou art knightly in spirit if not by title. The same be true for my brother Ludo, who is neither a knight nor my brother by blood. Titles are given and some may be taken from thee, but character is inborn and thine alone." Didymus replied.
"Oh." Hoggle nodded, not quite knowing how to respond to that.
Didymus smiled, an odd expression on his canine face, and said in a low voice, "Be brave, sir. I know thou art grieved, but the time for weeping is passed. Lady Sarah is strong, to be sure, but she is also young and new to our world. You must be her rock now, just as she was yours. And do not judge her for where her heart might lead her."
Hoggle shuddered. "I hope it doesn't."
"As do I, my brother, but 'tis not for us to decide." He clapped Hoggle on the shoulder, and moved off to tend to Ambrosious.
Now Hoggle knew why his heart was sinking. The group was breaking up, and he had grown used to their company. Ludo gave Hoggle a pat on the back that would have sent him tumbling into a snow drift if Sarah hadn't caught him.
"Whoops! You okay?"
"Yeah."
"Ready to go?" she asked.
"Uh-huh."
"Okay, hold on." She said, holding out her hand. He took it, and steeled himself against what he knew was coming. Shiva had told him that she would transport them to just beyond the Dwarven Kingdom, and Hoggle appreciated Sarah's offer to hold hands. He knew it wasn't necessary, but they were both leery of transport spells. Sarah simply wasn't used to being in one place one second and in another place the next, but she didn't suffer the brief vertigo and nausea that Hoggle had always suffered. The first time he was transported, he had told Sarah earlier that morning, he had ruined a new pair of shoes. Sarah had in turn told him to remind her not to drive him anywhere. He had frowned in confusion, and clamped his mouth shut.
Hoggle closed his eyes, and felt his breakfast rising in his throat. No, not now! He swallowed hard, and the sensation quickly passed.
"You're crushing my hand." Sarah informed him, and he let go with a mumbled apology.
"Are you certain of the way?" asked Shiva, who stood with them.
"Yeah. I have the map in my pack. My pack! What'll happen to it when I transform?" she asked suddenly. Shiva reassured her, saying that it would change with her and become a part of her, like her clothes.
"You can also talk to Hoggle by way of telepathy while in your animal form. Try it now."
Sarah drew her head back slightly, and looked down at Hoggle. "Can you hear me?"
Hoggle jumped, though he had known what to expect. "Loud'n clear, just tone it down a bit."
"Sorry." she winced. She could imagine the headache she had just given him. Hoggle picked up on what she was thinking; she hadn't quite severed the connection.
"S'okay, it just lasted a second."
Sarah's eyes lost focus, and her form began to meld and shift. Hoggle couldn't watch directly; it made him dizzy. When she was done he asked, "Does it hurt?"
"No." she told him, her thoughts carefully muted, "You just feel your sense of balance shifting, and…something like the pins and needles you get when your foot falls asleep."
Hoggle took an involuntary step back as her strange, feline eyes seemed to bore into him. He backed into Shiva, who steadied him firmly. "Don't be afraid. You know she's still Sarah."
"I know that!" he snapped gruffly, shaking her off. Then, flushing red, he muttered, "Sorry. I just…"
"You don't trust me." she finished gently.
He shook his head. "I can't. I want to, but…"
"You can't, because I'm a fae. Don't apologize. Our reputation is not good. You must be on your guard in the city of my people." This was for both of them. "Sarah may be accepted, but do not allow yourselves to be separated. Share the same rooms, if you need to stay that long. Do not volunteer more than what is necessary. The only one you may trust openly is my sister Allisande, she of the red light. Ask for her by name, if you feel you can do so safely, but make sure it is her."
"How will we know?" asked Sarah.
"Ask her to transform. She is the only one of us to take the form of a she-bear."
"Oh boy…" Hoggle shivered. Sarah, who stood behind him while he stared up at Shiva, rested her massive chin on his shoulder. She purred briefly, and this time he was comforted by that loud rumble. He forced a laugh, and leaned away. "Leave off, yer tickling me!"
"It's good to hear you laugh." She sent to him as she crouched down to allow him to get on her back.
"Well, that's nice of you to say." He replied with gleeful sarcasm as he scrambled up. "Pop always told me I brayed like a jackass."
Sarah made a frightening noise, but somehow Hoggle knew that that was what passed for laughter in this form. "You do."
He tweaked one of her ears, and snapped with equal amusement, "Mouse-eater!"
Sarah glanced mischievously over her left shoulder, and licked her chops.
"Ah! Don't even…" he held up one finger, and tapped her on the nose. "Teeth to yourself!"
"Ready?"
"Yes."
Shiva, who had been watching them with some amusement, pointed out the direction and said goodbye. Then, just like that, she was gone.
"Should I start out slow?" Sarah asked.
"That's okay, just try not to throw me off." He said with more certainty than he felt. "Um…what should I hold onto?"
"I've had some riding experience. You're supposed to grip with your knees. As for what to hold onto…I guess my shoulders or neck would be okay, just try not to choke me."
"Mm-hmm." He followed her directions and tried not to tremble. "Go ahead."
Sarah began to trot down the beaten path, the snow feeling delicious beneath her heavily padded paws. If she had been a horse she might have made him nauseous with all the bouncing and jouncing that came with a trot, but as a cougar she provided as smooth a ride as he could have asked for. Gradually she picked up speed, and though the wind tore at Hoggle's coat and made him shut his eyes he was in no danger of falling off. She felt him begin to relax, and sensed that he was actually beginning to enjoy himself.
As Sarah leaped over a fallen tree, Hoggle felt his heart leap within him. Sudden, fierce joy bubbled within him as his spirits rose, and his prior sadness was forced to the sidelines. No, he wasn't a coward! Not at all. He felt brave, strong, ready to face anything! Though he knew that feeling wouldn't last he reveled in it, savoring it and trying to hold on to it for as long as he could. Sarah had given this to him, and no one, not even Jareth, could take this away from him.
