Author's Notes: I made a few alterations to the two previous chapters, including dates at the top so it is easier to follow the story. We've jumped forward in this chapter, the next one will jump back again.

Oh and the song at the end, I really didnt want to use any song lyrics in this fic but this one fit this chapter and the story in general so well I couldnt leave it out. It's 'Country Feedback# by R.E.M.

Summary: Carter needs to talk


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Chapter 3 - Old Ground

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May 2002

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John Carter stood outside for a few moments, pondering over whether to enter or not. It had been a while since the last time he had come here, and he hadn't much to say then. What was so different now? Well he was going to be a father for one.

Taking a look around the gardens he spotted a lonely bench some way off. He still had plenty of time, so he decided to collect his thoughts. He walked the paths absentmindedly, listening to his feet scuffing along the gravel, and tightening his scarf when the bitter night wind tried to make him change his mind. He didn't know what had made him come here, after going so long without even thinking about it all of a sudden he realised that he needed to talk. He didn't want to be fussed over, he didn't want people suggesting things or telling him what to do. He just wanted to talk, and all he wanted was someone who would listen.

He sat down on the bench and took his gloves off. Looking around and taking in the surroundings he remembered what he liked so much about this place. It seemed so 'otherworldly' so detached from the huge mess that his life had become. A mish-mash of choices to make and choices to worry about. Whether they were right or wrong. Right here on this bench in the middle of nowhere he felt like he didn't have a care in the world, which was far from the truth.

He saw a few more people strolling around, some he recognised, and others he didn't. His eye seemed to stick on the couples, walking around hand in hand or with protective arms around each other. He felt all the more small and petty. It wasn't the best attitude to have at a time like this, but he was comfortable with it in this place. Nowhere else could he admit to being so disconnected.

Standing up once again, he put on his gloves before making his way back, determined to enter this time. He would still be early, but that would give him time to prepare what he was going to say. It ran through his head over and over again, the events of the last five months condensed into a few seconds. When looked at in that way it seemed all the more puzzling.

He walked into the church and smiled at the woman standing at the door. He dropped a few pennies into the collection plate and carried on walking down a small side walkway, briefly looking through the main doors to see the main building of the church. A few 'lost souls' sitting alone on pews with their heads bowed and their hands entwined, whispering their hopes and fears. It felt like the perfect place to sit and talk, but he needed the human touch. He needed people who understood what he had been through and what he was going through. He needed people who would offer nothing but support, and that was why he came here.

He continued up the walkway until he came to a lone door at the end. Turning the knob he looked around apprehensively, unable to see anyone inside. Small, cramped pews were empty, facing a podium elevated by a wooden platform. Again he felt the urge to turn and leave again, go over his problems in his head, never really saying what he wanted to say.

He opened the door fully and stepped inside, removing the doubt from his brain, as well as the arrogance that was always there, telling him that he could deal with anything that was thrown at him on his own. He had learned to ignore that part of his thoughts, because it had landed him in hot water on more than one occasion, almost costing him his life.

At the end of the room, just beyond the podium there was a small table with a coffee machine resting on it. Carter felt relieved that there was someone else there, for some reason he needed to see someone, anyone, before the rest of the group arrived. A small side door lying hidden against the far wall shook briefly and opened, revealing a man carrying two jugs of milk and a jar of sugar. The figure didn't notice John until he had put the items down on the table.

"Dr. Carter?" the man smiled warmly, "this is a pleasant surprise, we were starting to get worried."

"Hi Pete," Carter replied, "It's been awhile."

"About five months to be exact."

"Yeah I'm sorry... I uh, had a lot of problems."

"All the more reason to keep coming Dr. Carter."

"Yeah I know, it's just been a little hectic that's all."

"Really?... You want to talk about it."

"Maybe later."

"Sure..."

Carter looked around the room again briefly before taking a seat, waiting for the rest of the group to arrive. Gradually various members filed in and took a seat, a few of them recognised and greeted him. He had been a constant presence in this room for many months, then he disappeared. Many of them figured he had a superiority complex, thinking that he had been clean for a period of time so he didn't need to keep going to meetings, but that was far from the truth. He was being so constricted by what had been happening he couldn't find the time nor bring himself to go in.

The routines that he had missed for the last five months were dealt with and it soon came to the time where people stood up to share. Share their fears, doubts and achievements. His brain was still running through what had to be said when a woman, who he did not recognise, stood up quickly and took her place at the podium. She took her time starting, taking a sip of a glass of water that rested beside her, and then clearing her throat. She was an alcoholic, sober for four months after her husband and eldest daughter had forced her into rehab. It turned out she started drinking after her father passed away, and it soon became, in her words, "an ever-present force," that had a hold over her. Carter slipped into deep thought about whether he could share or not, doubt overcoming him.

When he snapped out of his musings a man was standing at the podium in tears. Pete was standing next to him with an arm round his shoulders, telling him that it was ok. The man slowly regained his composure and continued to talk about how alcohol had cost him his job, his girlfriend, and his son. The man sniffed loudly and made his way back to his seat. The podium remained empty for a few seconds and John felt himself stand up and walk slowly over to it. He took a sip of water and stepped up onto the wooden platform.

"Well, it's tough to know where to begin. I've had so many things happen to me over the last few years it's hard to find a place to start from.

"I've been clean for well over a year now and it's easy for me to not think about shooting. It's just that my life has become so hard that my mind comes up with all kinds of doubts and fears. Not about me or my past, I'm worried about the future, what is going to happen. The last five months have gone so quickly that I hadn't realised I so desperately needed to talk, and that I genuinely needed help.

"It's strange I say that the last five months have gone so quickly because it seems like more has happened in those few months than what has happened in my whole life. That's probably a lie, but what has happened so far in my life has not been as significant to me as what has happened recently. It's strangely overwhelming.

"Just before Christmas a friend that I had feelings for for a long time said that she wanted something to happen between us. At first I told her that she wasn't ready for a relationship, and we both said some horrible things. In the end she left me standing by the river and walked off. At first I was angry with her, but I never figured out why. I realised that it was me, I was the one being difficult. I kept putting up these barriers that prevented us from ever really knowing what was going to happen or how we really felt for each other. I felt really bad for what I said, because I was lying, I was lying to her as well as myself... We ended up spending the night together, we got so caught up in our feelings for each other we couldn't control what we were doing.

"The next morning I had doubts, I have no idea why. I do know that those doubts wrecked everything and those doubts still plague me now. We got into an argument over something that I said, something that I didn't mean and something I didn't understand. I know now why she got so angry, I was thinking that I knew everything about her and what had happened to her. Needless to say, we both got angry and I said something that I should never have said. It was a pathetic, childish remark and every time I stop to think about what I said it sends a shiver down my spine. I will never forgive myself for hurting her so much.

"For a long time we ignored each other, it was a horrible time for me. I Had to live with the knowledge that I had wrecked something special because I couldn't control my temper in the heat of the moment. I never plucked up the courage to say I was sorry, I hardly ever even spoke to her. I was just so afraid that she wouldn't forgive me. I could never bring myself to apologise, and when I look at it that way I really don't understand it.

"Then one day she phoned me and said we needed to talk. By this time I had become involved with another woman... Anyway we met up and started talking, and it didn't take us long to start arguing again. I hadn't told her that I was dating another woman and we argued about it... and then she told me she was pregnant... It just blew my whole world away right there. Nothing has ever been the same.

"...It... I just couldn't figure out what was going on and... and it felt like I was choking, so many big decisions to make but I had no clue about what I was going to do or what I wanted. I was struggling for air and... I couldn't see a way out without people getting hurt.

"I don't know how many times I have become so afraid that I feel like I'm all alone. It's just... It's just that I don't know what to do, and I don't know what is expected of me. I don't know what she expects of me. It's too hard right now... there are far too many questions with no answers. It's going to be a struggle, but I have to figure out what the answers are..."

John sighed heavily and took a sip of water before heading back to his seat. It had been a long time since he last shared, and he forgot how emotional it could make you. He sat hunched over and rubbed his forehead with his hand, feeling an incoming headache. He wiped away the tears that had formed in his eyes and listened politely to the rest of the people sharing.

As the meeting drew to a close, Carter saw Pete looking at him from his place next to the table. When everyone had risen from their seats Carter walked over to the table and began to make himself a cup of coffee. Pete stood next to him.

"Wow..."

Carter smiled wryly, "yeah I know. I told you it's been hectic."

"You should've come here sooner Dr. Carter. It took a lot to get that all off your chest."

"I know," Carter sipped on his coffee, "but it felt good."

"It's always good to talk."

"Yeah," Carter nodded, "Well I think I'd better be going," he turned and started to head for the door.

"Dr. Carter!" Carter turned around, "Don't make it another five months before we see you again."

"Ok."

As he walked out of the church Carter didn't feel any closer to putting everything in perspective, but he did feel like he had become less constricted by what had happened. He left with the questions that had brought him there at the forefront of his mind...

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This flower is scorched
This film is on
On a maddening loop.
These clothes,
These clothes don't fit us right
I'm to blame
It's all the same
It's all the same

You come to me with a bone in your hand
You come to me with your hair curled tight
You come to me with positions
You come to me with excuses
Ducked out in a row
You wear me out
You wear me out

We've been through fake-a-breakdown
Self hurt
Plastics, collections
Self help, self pain,
EST, psychics, fuck all
I was central
I had control
I lost my head
I need this
I need this
A paper weight, junk garage
Winter rain, a honey pot
Crazy, all the lovers have been tagged.
A hotline, a wanted ad
It's crazy what you could've had
It's crazy what you could've had
It's crazy what you could've had
I need this
I need this