Author's Notes: This chapter takes place straight after the meeting in chapter 3. I could've done it in a normal sequence, but that would be too boring ;)
Summary: Carter thinks about what has happened to him
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 7 - The Boy With The Thorn In His Side
****
May 2002
****
As he walked out of the church Carter didn't feel any closer to putting everything in perspective, but he did feel like he had become less constricted by what had happened. He left with the questions that had brought him there at the forefront of his mind... Walking through the park that surrounded the church he made his way back to the bench he had found before, just so he could think about what Abby had said and how it had affected him. He sat down and stretched his arms and legs, resting his elbows on the back of the bench.
He felt bad, he felt bad because at a time where Abby needed him more than anything he walked out and left her. He couldn't imagine how she felt when the door closed, leaving her alone to ponder how what she had said had affected him and why he got so angry. He wasn't even sure why he was shouting at her, accusing her of everything he could think of. Saying those horrible, horrible things. He wouldn't be surprised if when he got back the lock had been changed.
He sat at the bench for a while, just thinking about how much had changed over the last few months. Especially since Abby moved in with him. They were getting on so well that even some of the nurses were asking him if the two of them had set a date for the wedding. He smiled fondly, remembering the day she moved in, smiling at the fact that he had tried to clean his room to make it more comfortable for her but failed miserably. Even though she was five months pregnant at the time she cleaned up the room, made it spotless. He was in awe of her that day, and wondered how he could possibly take care of her.
He had managed though, gradually learning how to cook more complicated dishes than cheese on toast, learning how to clean a room properly, even how to do his own laundry. Abby showed him everything, and when he was finally 'trained up,' as she put it, he took control, letting her relax and have the mood-swings and the cravings and the sore feet that pregnant women were supposed to have. He was looking after her, looking after all of them, and it felt fantastic. It felt like they were a family.
He got up from the bench and started to walk. He had no idea where, but he knew he wasn't ready to go back to the apartment yet. Not without some answers. He had to know what he thought, what he wanted and what he was going to say, and until he figured out what those things were he wasn't going to go back. He crossed the cool wet grass and slipped out of the gate silently, taking quick sideways glances at some of the gravestones dotted around him. Stepping out onto the street felt like stepping off a boat onto the beach, strangely reassuring. He was finding his feet.
He walked quickly, even though he wasn't in a hurry. It felt like he had been out for hours. The streets, normally bursting with life and crammed with rushing feet, were empty. He stopped and looked around slowly, being so alone and out in the open, especially after being with people who cared, left him confused and vulnerable. He started walking again at a brisker pace, watching his shadow move and shift under the street lamps. One lamp was flickering and the flashing image of his silhouette quickly snapped him back to reality, and he again looked around only to be met with shadows. Strange that the night could make him so paranoid.
He crossed the road and cut through a small alleyway. The light played tricks with his eyesight and he could not make out the sleeping forms of homeless people who took up every corner that could generate any kind of warmth. He hadn't noticed how cold it was, but the thought made him shiver. He heard noises up ahead, but when he lifted his head to look, he was met with nothing but darkness. The end of the alleyway was a long way off, and he wondered what possessed him to walk this way. He looked back at the way he came and turned back towards the dim glow of the street lamps.
Once back out into the open he felt a whole lot safer, and his face flushed red at the embarrassment of his cowardice. He thought about how scared Abby must have been to discover that she was pregnant, after what happened the first time. She had an abortion and the relationship she had with the baby's father, her husband, deteriorated afterwards. How could she have felt after finding out that she was pregnant again? Scared, but she pulled through it. She approached him, he didn't know what to do, and she pulled through it. She managed to carry on, not knowing what the father of her baby was going to do, or even whether he was going to be a factor in her life. His face turned red again, although this time it was because of the fact that he had walked out on her because he was afraid. How big a coward was he?
He looked up to see that he was sitting on a wall across the street from his apartment building. He stared at his window for what seemed like an eternity, hoping, preying for some sort of movement or a flicker from the curtains. Instead there was stillness. A cool red light surrounded the window, no shadows moved across it, no sign that she was there, no sign that she could forgive him. He stood up and walked forward two steps, but he couldn't bring himself to go back and face her. He thought about how he would sound, his bumbling apology, tears streaking down his face, and her... standing stone-faced, saying nothing but telling him everything. Get out John, leave. Leave and never come back.
He jogged away from the road and continued his run across the small park that was conveniently close to his apartment. He felt a lonely tear stumble down his nose and hang on to the tip, before swaying and dropping down into his coat. He took a deep breath as he ran, hoping that nothing more would come but he felt them. He felt them moving down his face in their droves. His ego said he was sweating, his brain said he was crying. It was far too cold to sweat.
When he finally stopped running to dry his eyes he looked back at his apartment to see a small grey square with squares of light popping up randomly. He blinked a few times and the image cleared. He looked for where his square of light should have been but he couldn't find the shards of red light. He hung his head sadly, that was it... she had left him. It was only a matter of time. He didn't want to run back to stop her, it wasn't worth it. Nothing he could say would do anything other than make her walk faster. He went to look at his watch, but he couldn't bring himself to do that either. He felt the ground coming closer toward him and he crouched down heavily. He could hear the sound of his own sobs piercing through the arm that covered his face. The sound was cracked, disjointed... never ending.
By the time he lifted his head he was soaked through. A light drizzle had started out of nowhere and quickly evolved into a torrent. Carter, not noticing, was now in danger of catching pneumonia. The marks his tears had left were now washed away under a hail of raindrops. He stood up slowly and felt the water running through his hair and down the back of his neck. He took a step back towards the apartment and felt the rain that had got inside the sole of his shoe squelch under the pressure of his foot. If he didn't go back now he was going to freeze to death. Even though he had this thought in mind, he walked slowly across the grass, grimacing as the water inside his shoes made uncomfortable noises. He got to the edge of the park and stepping over the wall that separated it from the street, once again stopped to look up at his now empty apartment. No light came from his window, no signs of life. He knew why. It was because there was nothing there, nothing but an empty pizza box and the remnants of Abby's ice cream.
He climbed the stairs slowly, and jumped up the final three, stretching out and yawning as the routine had dictated. He rubbed the bridge of his nose and sighed loudly, fumbling in his pocket for his keys before placing them in the lock. He turned it slowly and the door swung open. Carter felt his heart leap into his mouth.
Abby had fallen asleep on the couch, a tissue balled up in her hand. The lamp light on the desk near her had been switched off, and the landing light bathed in across her face. God, she was beautiful. The shock of that realisation took over his relief that she was still there. He thought about walking away, leaving drips of water behind him, a trail, a message to her that he tried but he just couldn't face her after what he said. Instead he took a step inside and, as gently as he could, closed the door behind him. Predictably, as the door clicked Abby stirred and sat up. He watched her eyes adjust to the light, he watched her look at him.
Her hand moved slowly for the switch on the lamplight, and they blinked as the yellow glow stung their eyes. Carter willed himself to move, but he couldn't, the water dripping down from his clothes was forming a small puddle on the floor. Abby made to stand up but stayed sitting, her eyes squinting but wearing a confused look.
She licked her lips slowly, "John..." Anything that either of them had to say was cut short by the looks on both their faces. Abby was staring in shock, unable to take in what she was seeing. Carter was about ready to crack. He was pursing his lips together in a pitiful attempt to stop himself crying and his eyes... his eyes cut into her. The sadness embedded in them made her approach him cautiously. Every step she took made Carter come closer to breaking. When she was standing right in front of him he closed his eyes tightly and felt the tear trace the corner of his eyes before dropping into the rain puddle below him. He looked up at her as she pulled him into an embrace. He finally let go, sobbing loudly into her shoulder, "I'm sorry... I'm so sorry Abby," his words slightly muffled. Nothing could sound more sincere.
He held on to her for dear life, fearing that if he let go she would walk away from him. He was shivering as he ran his fingers up her back slowly, from both the cold and the way he was feeling. He had buried his feelings long ago, for the sake of their baby, but the thought of losing her was too much. Everything he had thought, said, and felt was flying through his head as he cried into her shoulder. He heard himself rambling, all the things he had put aside were flying out. He was afraid, even more afraid than he was before now that he had everything to lose.
Abby didn't say anything while John was mumbling at her, stroking her gently with his fingers which was sending shivers up her spine. She had thought about what she could say to him if he came back, but it turned out that she didn't need to explain herself anymore. Carter understood it all, or even if he didn't he was prepared to not let it get in the way of their child, their relationship. That was what mattered most. She heard every word of what he said, every plea for forgiveness, every declaration of love. As the three little words came out of his mouth his sobs grew louder and she held him closer.
They stayed that way for what seemed like hours, Carter crying, Abby holding him. Once John's sobbing had ceased they moved closer together and danced slowly, even though no music was playing. Slowly and surely, their lips pressed against each other. Everything coming down to that one moment, then they fell asleep in each other's arms.
Summary: Carter thinks about what has happened to him
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 7 - The Boy With The Thorn In His Side
****
May 2002
****
As he walked out of the church Carter didn't feel any closer to putting everything in perspective, but he did feel like he had become less constricted by what had happened. He left with the questions that had brought him there at the forefront of his mind... Walking through the park that surrounded the church he made his way back to the bench he had found before, just so he could think about what Abby had said and how it had affected him. He sat down and stretched his arms and legs, resting his elbows on the back of the bench.
He felt bad, he felt bad because at a time where Abby needed him more than anything he walked out and left her. He couldn't imagine how she felt when the door closed, leaving her alone to ponder how what she had said had affected him and why he got so angry. He wasn't even sure why he was shouting at her, accusing her of everything he could think of. Saying those horrible, horrible things. He wouldn't be surprised if when he got back the lock had been changed.
He sat at the bench for a while, just thinking about how much had changed over the last few months. Especially since Abby moved in with him. They were getting on so well that even some of the nurses were asking him if the two of them had set a date for the wedding. He smiled fondly, remembering the day she moved in, smiling at the fact that he had tried to clean his room to make it more comfortable for her but failed miserably. Even though she was five months pregnant at the time she cleaned up the room, made it spotless. He was in awe of her that day, and wondered how he could possibly take care of her.
He had managed though, gradually learning how to cook more complicated dishes than cheese on toast, learning how to clean a room properly, even how to do his own laundry. Abby showed him everything, and when he was finally 'trained up,' as she put it, he took control, letting her relax and have the mood-swings and the cravings and the sore feet that pregnant women were supposed to have. He was looking after her, looking after all of them, and it felt fantastic. It felt like they were a family.
He got up from the bench and started to walk. He had no idea where, but he knew he wasn't ready to go back to the apartment yet. Not without some answers. He had to know what he thought, what he wanted and what he was going to say, and until he figured out what those things were he wasn't going to go back. He crossed the cool wet grass and slipped out of the gate silently, taking quick sideways glances at some of the gravestones dotted around him. Stepping out onto the street felt like stepping off a boat onto the beach, strangely reassuring. He was finding his feet.
He walked quickly, even though he wasn't in a hurry. It felt like he had been out for hours. The streets, normally bursting with life and crammed with rushing feet, were empty. He stopped and looked around slowly, being so alone and out in the open, especially after being with people who cared, left him confused and vulnerable. He started walking again at a brisker pace, watching his shadow move and shift under the street lamps. One lamp was flickering and the flashing image of his silhouette quickly snapped him back to reality, and he again looked around only to be met with shadows. Strange that the night could make him so paranoid.
He crossed the road and cut through a small alleyway. The light played tricks with his eyesight and he could not make out the sleeping forms of homeless people who took up every corner that could generate any kind of warmth. He hadn't noticed how cold it was, but the thought made him shiver. He heard noises up ahead, but when he lifted his head to look, he was met with nothing but darkness. The end of the alleyway was a long way off, and he wondered what possessed him to walk this way. He looked back at the way he came and turned back towards the dim glow of the street lamps.
Once back out into the open he felt a whole lot safer, and his face flushed red at the embarrassment of his cowardice. He thought about how scared Abby must have been to discover that she was pregnant, after what happened the first time. She had an abortion and the relationship she had with the baby's father, her husband, deteriorated afterwards. How could she have felt after finding out that she was pregnant again? Scared, but she pulled through it. She approached him, he didn't know what to do, and she pulled through it. She managed to carry on, not knowing what the father of her baby was going to do, or even whether he was going to be a factor in her life. His face turned red again, although this time it was because of the fact that he had walked out on her because he was afraid. How big a coward was he?
He looked up to see that he was sitting on a wall across the street from his apartment building. He stared at his window for what seemed like an eternity, hoping, preying for some sort of movement or a flicker from the curtains. Instead there was stillness. A cool red light surrounded the window, no shadows moved across it, no sign that she was there, no sign that she could forgive him. He stood up and walked forward two steps, but he couldn't bring himself to go back and face her. He thought about how he would sound, his bumbling apology, tears streaking down his face, and her... standing stone-faced, saying nothing but telling him everything. Get out John, leave. Leave and never come back.
He jogged away from the road and continued his run across the small park that was conveniently close to his apartment. He felt a lonely tear stumble down his nose and hang on to the tip, before swaying and dropping down into his coat. He took a deep breath as he ran, hoping that nothing more would come but he felt them. He felt them moving down his face in their droves. His ego said he was sweating, his brain said he was crying. It was far too cold to sweat.
When he finally stopped running to dry his eyes he looked back at his apartment to see a small grey square with squares of light popping up randomly. He blinked a few times and the image cleared. He looked for where his square of light should have been but he couldn't find the shards of red light. He hung his head sadly, that was it... she had left him. It was only a matter of time. He didn't want to run back to stop her, it wasn't worth it. Nothing he could say would do anything other than make her walk faster. He went to look at his watch, but he couldn't bring himself to do that either. He felt the ground coming closer toward him and he crouched down heavily. He could hear the sound of his own sobs piercing through the arm that covered his face. The sound was cracked, disjointed... never ending.
By the time he lifted his head he was soaked through. A light drizzle had started out of nowhere and quickly evolved into a torrent. Carter, not noticing, was now in danger of catching pneumonia. The marks his tears had left were now washed away under a hail of raindrops. He stood up slowly and felt the water running through his hair and down the back of his neck. He took a step back towards the apartment and felt the rain that had got inside the sole of his shoe squelch under the pressure of his foot. If he didn't go back now he was going to freeze to death. Even though he had this thought in mind, he walked slowly across the grass, grimacing as the water inside his shoes made uncomfortable noises. He got to the edge of the park and stepping over the wall that separated it from the street, once again stopped to look up at his now empty apartment. No light came from his window, no signs of life. He knew why. It was because there was nothing there, nothing but an empty pizza box and the remnants of Abby's ice cream.
He climbed the stairs slowly, and jumped up the final three, stretching out and yawning as the routine had dictated. He rubbed the bridge of his nose and sighed loudly, fumbling in his pocket for his keys before placing them in the lock. He turned it slowly and the door swung open. Carter felt his heart leap into his mouth.
Abby had fallen asleep on the couch, a tissue balled up in her hand. The lamp light on the desk near her had been switched off, and the landing light bathed in across her face. God, she was beautiful. The shock of that realisation took over his relief that she was still there. He thought about walking away, leaving drips of water behind him, a trail, a message to her that he tried but he just couldn't face her after what he said. Instead he took a step inside and, as gently as he could, closed the door behind him. Predictably, as the door clicked Abby stirred and sat up. He watched her eyes adjust to the light, he watched her look at him.
Her hand moved slowly for the switch on the lamplight, and they blinked as the yellow glow stung their eyes. Carter willed himself to move, but he couldn't, the water dripping down from his clothes was forming a small puddle on the floor. Abby made to stand up but stayed sitting, her eyes squinting but wearing a confused look.
She licked her lips slowly, "John..." Anything that either of them had to say was cut short by the looks on both their faces. Abby was staring in shock, unable to take in what she was seeing. Carter was about ready to crack. He was pursing his lips together in a pitiful attempt to stop himself crying and his eyes... his eyes cut into her. The sadness embedded in them made her approach him cautiously. Every step she took made Carter come closer to breaking. When she was standing right in front of him he closed his eyes tightly and felt the tear trace the corner of his eyes before dropping into the rain puddle below him. He looked up at her as she pulled him into an embrace. He finally let go, sobbing loudly into her shoulder, "I'm sorry... I'm so sorry Abby," his words slightly muffled. Nothing could sound more sincere.
He held on to her for dear life, fearing that if he let go she would walk away from him. He was shivering as he ran his fingers up her back slowly, from both the cold and the way he was feeling. He had buried his feelings long ago, for the sake of their baby, but the thought of losing her was too much. Everything he had thought, said, and felt was flying through his head as he cried into her shoulder. He heard himself rambling, all the things he had put aside were flying out. He was afraid, even more afraid than he was before now that he had everything to lose.
Abby didn't say anything while John was mumbling at her, stroking her gently with his fingers which was sending shivers up her spine. She had thought about what she could say to him if he came back, but it turned out that she didn't need to explain herself anymore. Carter understood it all, or even if he didn't he was prepared to not let it get in the way of their child, their relationship. That was what mattered most. She heard every word of what he said, every plea for forgiveness, every declaration of love. As the three little words came out of his mouth his sobs grew louder and she held him closer.
They stayed that way for what seemed like hours, Carter crying, Abby holding him. Once John's sobbing had ceased they moved closer together and danced slowly, even though no music was playing. Slowly and surely, their lips pressed against each other. Everything coming down to that one moment, then they fell asleep in each other's arms.
