TITLE: the Correspondences
Section 2
SUMMARY: Buffy & Angel write letters to each. Can they solve their problems through words?
RATING: PG13
PAIRING: Buffy/Angel
SPOILERS: general up until season 4
FEEDBACK: PLEASE! It means SOOOO much! PLEASE PLEASE!
DISCLAIMER: Joss Whedon owns the characters. Lines from Romeo & Juliet by William Shakespeare. Lyrics from the songs by: the Sunday's ("Wild Horses"), Janet Jackson ("Again"), Garth Brooks ("She's Every Woman" & "The Dance").
DISTRIBUTION: Organized Insanity (http://www.geocities.com/crazyevildru/index.htm), otherwise ask me
-the Correspondences-
6
ONE DAY LATER
"Willow?"
"What's up Buffy?"
"You think it would be bad form to break up with Riley?"
"WHAT? Buffy, you just accepted his proposal, you can't break up with him."
"Why not?" She asked her most trusted friend.
"Why not? Because, that's why. I don't know why, why do you want to?"
"Will, I feel like I rushed, and if I am going to get married, I don't want to settle for second best, I want to find someone who loves me as much I love him, and I don't think this is it."
"Buffy, I'm going to say this for your own good and you need to listen, okay?"
"Okay."
"It's been five years Buffy. If you're waiting for Angel to change his mind and come running back, it's not going to happen. You can't be together and he knows that, and deep inside you know that too. There is no way to change that, you have to move on and I thought you had. Riley loves you and I believe you know in your heart what to do. Listen."
"Willow, this has nothing to do with Angel. This has to do with me. I know I can't have Angel, I got that, but why should I settle for the first guy I met? How do I know there isn't something better out there? Don't I owe it to myself to find out?"
"I guess. What are you going to say to Riley?"
"I don't know Will, I don't know. Maybe I just need some time. I'll ask him for some time. Put the engagement on hold for a while, I don't know."
"I'll be behind you whatever you decide Buffy, know that."
"I do."
"How'd patrolling go?"
"So many demons, six last night, and three vampires. What's going on?"
"What did Giles say?"
"He said he was looking into it. But I'm going to get going, Riley and I are meeting and I want to talk to him."
"Later Buffy."
"Bye Will, thanks."
TWO DAYS LATER
She got home late; there was another letter on her desk. She was eager to read it, although she hadn't been expecting a response from him.
My love-
I can remember one night; I must have been seven or eight, when my mother was putting me to sleep. I asked her why she put up with my father. I was young, but I knew what went on, how he hit her, how he yelled at her, and she told me that she loved him. I asked her this several times throughout my life and always got the same answer. I often wonder if she felt she had a duty to love him and was too scared to move on or if she truly did love him. I think sometimes we, people, get confused with what they feel inside and they think should be.
I never wanted you to doubt my love for you Buffy. I'm sorry if for one second you did. Everything I did, I did it for you. Right or wrong, I wanted you to have something I didn't, a normal life, happiness, and a world without having to worry about demons. This world may only be inside your bedroom with him, but at least you have something. Even when we were alone Buffy, a demon was watching you, and you shouldn't have to live like that.
Perhaps I was being too selfish. I didn't want to watch you die, since inevitably that's what would happen, whether it be in four years or forty. I have seen and been the cause of many deaths and still I cannot imagine watching the love of my life die. I have had limited experience with love and friendship, I finally now have felt both. My love for you, and my friendship with Cordelia, Doyle and Wesley. I had to watch Doyle die, he died, so I could live and there has not been a day that goes by we don't think of him. That was painful enough, but you would think after all the death I've caused, one more wouldn't hurt so much. I can't even imagine what losing you would feel like, surely it will kill me, or give me the strength the walk into the sun.
It killed me a thousand times over to leave you Buffy. It still kills me, and there will always be a place for you in my heart, please don't ever doubt that, for without you, my heart is empty, my soul, my redemption have no meaning. Your love is what makes me worthy, without it there would be no point to me. Everything about me is so completely you, and without that I am lost, but this is what I wanted. So please, be married, have children, be happy and know what we have both sacrificed for it.
Eternally yours,
Angel
7
THREE DAYS LATER
She had been soul searching and wondering what she wanted. She wished she knew. He should be getting the second of her letters to leave her hand soon. She wondered how he would react, what he would say, what he would do. She was sitting in the Bronze when a familiar song came on.
//Childhood living is easy to do
The things that you wanted I bought them for you
Graceless lady
You know who I am
You know I can't let you
Just slide through my hands
Wild horses, couldn't drag me away
Wild horses, couldn't drag me away
I watched you suffer, a dull, aching pain
And now you decided to show me the same
No sweeping exits or off-stage lines
Can make me feel bitter or treat you unkind
Wild horses, couldn't drag me away
Wild horses, couldn't drag me away
Faith has been broken
Tears must be cried
Let's do some living
After we die
Wild horses, couldn't drag me away
Wild horses, couldn't drag me away
Wild, wild horses, we'll ride them someday
Wild, wild horses, we'll ride them someday//
She was out the door before the last chord ended.
He sat reading over her words for the third time.
Angel, my love-
Perhaps I do have something normal with him, something more normal anyway, but is normal a feeling of emptiness? He can't possibly make me feel as complete as you ever did, even when we were just holding hands Angel, I felt at peace. At home.
Your soul is what makes you worthy, the fact that you care, the fact that you would sacrifice yourself for me, that's what makes you worthy, what gives you redemption. You should never doubt that about yourself, you always did, and it killed me inside to hear you talk of yourself like you didn't matter. You do matter, to me, to Cordelia, Wesley and obviously your life mattered to Doyle. It is not just I that makes you worthy, it is everyone who loves you, and everyone you love.
The demon inside you is what brought you to me. For that I can never be free of him, neither can you for that matter, but if he was not there Angel, you would have been long gone before I was even a consideration. He is one of the reasons why you are you, and I am so completely in love with you. Everything that happened to both of us, made us who we were, made us two people who could love each other. If you wish to change that, we may never have been and as I said before I would never trade that for anything. A life without knowing you, would be no life I would want. And if I had it to do all over again, I would do everything exactly the same.
I have no idea what is happening here. I have felt for five years, emptiness inside, but reading your letters, I feel like I am falling in love all over again. We have changed, I admit that, but I wonder if we could ever find that peace once more. Don't we owe it to ourselves to try? I will always be yours Angel, I meant that. Every part of me is so completely in love with you, my heart, my soul, my mind, my body, my everything. I can't imagine that part every changing.
Eternally yours,
Buffy
He put the letter down and ran out the door.
ONE DAY LATER
She was sure he would be there, he should be. She entered the office and remembered that he lived downstairs. She walked down the stairs. "Angel?" She said.
She walked around the rooms. "Angel?" He was not here and her heart sank. She sat on the bed and read her letters over again. She wondered where he went. She got up and began her walk back to reality.
He knew she was staying at home and he sat on the roof outside her window waiting, but she didn't come home all night. He winced at the thought that she was with him all night. Day was coming and he went back to the car, he was too late. It was all for the best anyway.
8
THE NEXT DAY
//I heard from a friend today,
And she said you were in town
Suddenly the memories came back to me in my mind
How can I be strong I've asked myself
Time and time I've said
That I'll never fall in love with you again
A wounded heart you gave,
My soul you took away
Good intentions you had many,
I know you did
I come from a place that hurts,
God knows how I've cried
And I never want to return
Never fall again
Making love to you felt so good
And oh so right
How can I be strong I've asked myself
Time and time I've said
That I'll never fall in love with you again//
He got back late that night feeling emptier than ever before. He wanted to curl up in bed forever and never wake up. He was dying inside once again. He walked downstairs and threw his coat on the chair. He put his keys on the table and thought he was hallucinating, that smell, where was it coming from? He must be crazy. He had imagined her there a hundred times, but it had never been this vivid. He took off his shirt and went into the bedroom.
"Angel!"
"Buffy."
//So here we are alone again,
Didn't think I'd come to this
And to know it all began
With just a little kiss
I've come too close to happiness
To have it swept away
Don't think I can take the pain
No never fall again//
"What are you doing here?"
"I had to come Angel." She was sprawled out on the bed; she was so beautiful, even more than he remembered. "I couldn't leave it with the letters, I had to come. Where were you?"
"I went to Sunnydale."
"Great minds huh?"
"I guess." He sat on the edge of the bed looking at her.
"You don't have to stay that far away Angel, I don't bite." He cracked a smile. "Was that a smile I saw? You don't have to hide it Angel, you should do it more often."
"I don't have much to smile about usually. Cordelia's jokes are usually cracks at me."
"Angel..." she sat up, "I wasn't sure if I should come, but I had to see." He looked down at her hands.
"Is that the ring?"
"Oh, yes it is."
"May I?" She held out her hand to him and he took it, both shivered at the contact. "It's beautiful, a diamond, what you should have."
"I don't know, I was never one for the whole gold and diamond thing, I'd prefer an emerald." She smiled. "So, I told him that I needed some time, I told him maybe, not yes, not no, just maybe. But I don't know, everything inside me is screaming to tell him no."
"You should do what your gut tells you to do. Guts are usually right on the money."
"You think?"
"Absolutely." He said.
"Angel, I had to come. We can't write the things we wrote in the letters and not find out if we can make it work, not at least see. Part of me didn't want to come, because I was afraid of the answer, but the rest of me screamed at me to come and find out. If only just to hold your hand, if only just to say goodbye."
"You sound so grown up Buffy, you look so grown up, you're a woman, not a child. It's shocking really, I guess I still think of you as that teenager I once knew."
"I know, but I'm so much more than that now."
"I can see that, I can feel it in the letters, your tone of voice, your handwriting."
"I know, things have changed a lot. Not to be corny, but the more they change, the more things stay the same."
"I know."
"Angel, we can't write those things in the letters and then walk away."
"I know, but how can we not?"
//Kinda late in the game
And my heart in your hands
Don't you stand and then tell me
You love me
Then leave again//
"I don't know, but we can talk about later. You're probably tired." She went to get up.
"No, you stay here, I'll be on the couch." He went to stand up and she caught his hand.
"Angel... stay here with me."
"Buffy..."
"I know, but just hold me tonight, like we'll never be apart again. Can you do that?"
"I can." He lay down next to her and she snuggled into him and placed her hands on his chest and he wrapped his arms around her. "I can."
// 'Cause I'm falling in love with you again
Hold me, hold me
Don't ever let go
Say it just one time
Say you love me
God knows I do love you again//
9
THAT MORNING
It was dark inside when she woke up, obviously it would be. She began to squirm and his fingers moved lightly on her arm. "Morning." She said.
"Morning, sleep well?"
"For the first time in five years, yes."
"Good. Are you hungry?"
"A little, but I'm more of an orange juice and coffee person in the morning now."
"Oh, you happen to be in luck, cause I have both of those things."
"Must be my lucky day." They both got up. He had already framed the picture she sent him; it was right next to the bed, along with her senior picture and one of her, Willow and Cordelia at the prom. "This is like a shrine to things Sunnydale Angel." He looked back.
"Yeah, well, I like to keep my women close, something nice to wake up to in the morning, or afternoon."
"Right, this is early for you, you want to go back to bed?"
"No, I'm good. Been sleeping less lately not that I ever really slept anyway. I guess I'm one of those people that can run on five hours, even when I was young, I'd be up with the sun, my mom said I had way too much energy."
"What did you do at five in the morning?" She sat down at the table as he got coffee started.
"Well, when I was younger, I'd go get the bread from the baker, when I was older I went the bar, and when I was even older, I'd be getting dressed so I'd be out of her house before she woke up."
"Who?"
"Any girl I was with."
"Oh. I didn't know that."
"There's a lot you don't know about me." He said sitting down handing her orange juice.
"Okay Angel, tell me something else I don't know." He leaned back in the chair.
"Okay, something else... okay. This one time, when I was like ten, my dad and I went fishing early one morning, and I caught this fish, it must have been like two feet long. I freaked out because it was flapping around, so I threw it back in the water."
"Scared of fish?"
"Actually yes, from that day on, I never ate fish again."
"Interesting."
"What about you Buffy? Tell me something I don't know."
"Okay... oh, this one time, I went to my grandmothers house and we were going to bake cookies, I was nine I think. We were going to make chocolate chip cookies and she thought it would be a good idea to put some peanut butter in it too, so we mixed the dough, put in the chip, and when we put the peanut butter in, it made this thick paste stuff. It was gross, but we threw the whole lump in a cake pan and stuffed in the oven. When we took it out, it was all gooey and melty, but it was the best mistake I ever ate." She laughed at her own memory.
He watched her eyes light up as she told the story and he fell in love with her twenty times over. "Interesting."
"Yeah, my gram and I always baked stuff, most came out okay, but this one time, she was tired, so she thought she would let me make biscuits for dinner, what a mistake that was. They were flat little burnt pancakes when I was done with them, plus I set off the fire alarm." He laughed. "Now your turn."
"Okay... my sister and I used to go, when I was 14, down to the pier and watch the ships coming in from America. We'd sit, and we'd watch and try to guess what was on them, like if it was corn or tobacco... she liked to make up stories about the men on the boats. Then we'd go to the beach and lay back and look at the clouds. We'd find the pictures in them and make up stories to go with them. Then we'd go home and my dad would hit me for something or another."
"Angel, I'm sorry."
"For what?"
"For what your dad did to you or to your mom, it wasn't right."
"You know I spent my entire life trying to find peace with him. I hated him and I hated my mom for letting him hurt us, we were just kids. He may have had a reason when I was older, I was lazy, but when I was ten? There was no reason. I killed a lot of people and regret it, but I can't say I'm all too torn up about killing him. I get that times were different back then, I totally understand that, there was nothing my mother could do, but he could have. God I almost think I did my sister a favor."
"Why?"
"Because I heard the things he did to my mother, I shudder to think what he did to my sister when I was getting drunk."
"What was she like?"
"Bri?"
"Bri?" She asked.
"Short for Briana, Bri was beautiful and smart, she was so smart, she learned to read all on her own you know, well I helped a little. She liked reading, I got books for her from my friends and I bought her this book, I actually have it, her favorite book, Romeo and Juliet. She read it so many times, she had it memorized. I'd watch her read it and every time she read it, she'd find more she loved about it. She was amazing. I miss her."
"I wish I could have seen her, I bet she was gorgeous."
"Why do you say that?"
"Well, I know it's been a while, but you're not that horrid to look at, hell even all vampy you have definite attractive qualities, so I bet it runs in the family."
"You think?"
"Oh yeah."
"Well, you can see a picture of her, give me a minute, keep an eye on the coffee."
It was so nice to be sharing this with Buffy; things he'd only shared with himself for two and half centuries. He rummaged through the chest and finally just decided this was something he could share with her. "Hey! Come here!"
"What?" She walked to him. "What's that?"
"My past. I want to share this with you Buffy."
"I want to see." He lifted a notebook out of the bottom. "What's that?"
"Drawings of mine." He flipped to the front of the book; she fleetingly saw red on the pages. "This is what I working on the morning before I... before I was changed, before I died."
"It's beautiful, is this your sister?"
"Yes, it is."
"She's beautiful, more so than I imagined. You should get this framed Angel, then you can her up too."
"No."
"Why?"
"I killed her Buffy, that's the last imagine I have of my sister."
"It doesn't have to be, you didn't do that, the demon did, you wouldn't have. The man that I'm talking to now would not have done those things."
"Buffy, you can't possibly understand what it feels like."
"No I can't, I can't even imagine it Angel. Surely the worst thing in the world I could think of wouldn't even come close to what you deal with every day. I can't say I envy you Angel, but I admire you, you are so strong." She put her hand on his forearm and he turned to her. Before he knew what was happening, she had pressed her lips to his and they were entranced in a kiss. She broke away and sat down on the floor. "Show me more." She took the notebook from him and started flipping the pages.
"NO!" He grabbed it away from her. "No."
"Angel, show me your world." He flinched. He had said that once, and it had brought him to do the terrible things he did. "Angel, I want to see. I'm ready." He handed her the notebook and watched as she flipped through the drawings. "These are really good Angel."
"They're of dead bodies Buffy, people I killed."
"I know, still doesn't mean they aren't good. You're a really good artist. You could give up this whole atonement thing and be a starving artist." She smiled and touched his cheek. "I know, I'll be serious, but seriously these are really good."
"I have more, here." He handed the others to her. "These are all from before, the last one in that book is the gypsy girl."
She flipped to that page. "Wow, she was pretty."
"Not exceedingly so, but yes. And that next one is the old lady that placed the curse on me. It's funny how certain moments just freeze in time."
"Are there any more?"
"Yes a couple. I don't have many from the time I came to the US until when I went to Sunnydale, not much inspiration." He handed her three more.
"Oh my god. How did you know about this?" She asked, pointing to herself with a lollipop outside her school in LA with Merrick. This was the day she fought her first vampire.
"I was there."
"What?"
"Whistler took me there to show me you Buffy. That's when I fell in love with you, and maybe that's why I always felt I needed to protect you, cause the first images of you I have in my head are of a scared little girl, who'd never heard the word vampire with any considerable thought or reality."
"Explains a lot."
"How so?"
"Why you always make decisions without me, like a father, instead of as a lover, as an equal. Will I always be that little girl to you Angel?"
"Perhaps so Buffy, perhaps so. The only decision I really left up to you was whether you wanted to make love or not Buffy, and look how that turned out. I should have known better. I can remember being outside, and feeling the change coming, it hurt so much, and all I could think of was how much I didn't want to hurt you."
"Funny, that's what was going through my mind when I rammed the sword through your gut. That must have been the worst moment of my life. I was ready to send Angelus, but not you, never you."
"Buffy, it was you who saved me from Hell. It was your love that brought me back, our connection that kept me whole, that made me endure. Not that I didn't deserve everything I got and more, they did nothing to me that I didn't do to everyone I met over the course of a hundred and fifty years."
"Still, I couldn't even think straight after that. I left; I came to LA, ironic huh? Whenever we need to run from our past, we pick the same city."
"I guess." He was quiet. "Buffy, I shouldn't have sent that letter, I didn't want this. I didn't want impose on you when nothing has changed."
"Don't do that to me, don't play these games Angel. You were honest with me for once in those letters and you want me, you want to make it work, I know you do. You can't lie to me this time, I won't take it. We owe it to ourselves to try. We do. We can make it work."
"Buffy, no matter how you slice it, you are still human and I'm not, you're going to age and I'm not, there's no way you can change that."
She continued flipping through the notebooks and saw a series of pictures from when they had made love, exquisite pictures, detailed pictures of her, and of them together. She longed to be that close once more. Then she came to a series of pictures of her sleeping, and fighting. "When are these from?"
"I was always watching you Buffy, evil or not, I can't seem to stay away from you."
"Creepy."
"Tell my alterego about that."
She opened the next notebook and saw herself and Angel on the table in his apartment, and in his bed. He had them in the shower, and he had her tattoo on her back, he hadn't seen it, she hadn't had it when they were together. "Angel?"
"What?"
"How did you know about that?"
"What?"
"My tattoo."
"What?" He hadn't meant for her to see that notebook. "Hmm? Oh that, I don't know, used my imagination I suppose. Why do you ask?"
"Because I have that on my shoulder blade, and I got it right before Thanksgiving of freshman year of college, you wouldn't have known about it." How could he get out this? "And you have quite the imagination, the kitchen table Angel? Little daring aren't we?"
"Buffy, give me that." He tried to get it away from her before she looked anymore. "Buffy..."
She kept flipping, and it seemed that these were way too detailed to be imagination. Behind everyone was a clock reading nine o'clock and hearts. They were different from the other drawings, no longing, no sadness, just the two of them happy.
She noticed a cut on his arm, and a couple dark areas, possibly bruises in the pictures. "Angel?"
"Buffy, please, give it back to me." She jumped up from him as she found the last page and read what he had written over a picture of them.
"My only love sprung from my only hate"
Two star crossed lovers, destined to be together,
Created and destroyed by the times they've spent apart
Given a chance at happiness
And given misery
One destined to remember
One to forget
Can their love survive
the true test of time?
"Angel?"
"What?"
"What does this mean?"
"Buffy, it's nothing, I was just fooling around." She noticed another page at the end with writing but he grabbed it from her this time. "Coffee?"
"Sure."
10
THAT AFTERNOON
"Hey boss?" Cordelia said walking downstairs. "You okay?"
"Cordelia!"
"Buffy?" She said.
"Hi." She stood up and walked over to give Cordy a hug. "Good to see you."
"Buffy?" She said.
"Cordelia, do you want some coffee, I'm making some." Angel said.
"Well, nice to see you're dressed, what are you doing here Buffy? Or rather, who are you doing here?"
"Relax, no broken curses Cordelia, I just had to come."
"I hear congratulations are in order, when's the big day?"
"I don't know yet. I've still yet to answer him for sure."
"Oh, by the way Willow's email sounded, it sounded for sure." Cordelia sat down.
"Well, it was, when I told Willow, but now, it's kind of up in the air."
"So when are you going back to Sunnydale?"
"I have to tomorrow, in the morning, I have a speech to give in the evening."
"A speech?" Cordelia asked.
"Yes, I graduated from college, I'm making a presentation to this group of people, and if I do well I might have a job. I'd get to travel the world I think."
"What about Slaying?"
"I've thought about it, but the council can just send another Slayer. And the Initiative does take care of a good portion of the demons and bloodsuckers so... I have to act like a human."
"What's the job?"
"It's a public relations thing, that's what I decided to do, I'm good at talking, and I'm very persuasive, so I'm hoping it goes well. The firm is based out of LA actually, but they have gatherings in Sunnydale. Most likely I'd be moved to New York, if all goes well."
"That's great Buffy, do you wear a suit and everything?"
"Yes, very professional like, not like jeans and a sweater for demon hunting."
"Cool, I'd love to see that." Cordelia said.
"Well, actually I may have to do some gala thing here in a few weeks, if I get the job, that's the first project they said they'd want me to do if I do well on this. So you may just get your chance, they handle all these artists and things, and I'd be like a PR person for certain clients."
"Awesome! So what are you doing tonight?"
"I don't know Cordy I guess..."
"Actually, we have plans tonight Buffy." Angel said.
"We do?"
"Well, you came to LA, least you can do is let me buy you dinner."
"Okay, it's a date." Buffy said. "Where are we going?"
"You'll see."
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